Update From Yesterday

So, my birthday turned out decent. Nobody knew about it, that I know of, so that was good. Also, my classes weren't terrible, they just dragged on all day. However, yesterday is a success in my book and I am very glad I didn't make a big deal about turning 19. That number bothers me, because I just got used to writing 18 on stuff... Oh well.

The crush I have is still there despite the various ways I have tried to lose these "feelings". Feelings is such a gross word. Anyway, I still have not decided what I am going to do about it and I am still waiting on the L-rd to direct my decision.

School is back in full swing even though my brain is still stuck on break, but I am getting through the week and enjoying the lack of homework I have to complete thanks to my hard effort over break!

Daily Thanksgiving from yesterday: Nobody knew about my birthday (except my family). It rained here. Saturday I may be going on a hike that I am very excited about, which is good because I usually don't get excited about hikes or physical activities at all.

More to come about today later.


How are you doing today?

My Apologies

I would like to apologize for the following bad news. It seems as though this day may be a tough one to get through, so please bear with me.

1) I didn't get the RA job. This was probably a good thing because G-d would have let me have it if He needed to me to have the job. Likely, it would have been too much on my plate. However, my plans are now shot. I don't know where I'm going to live next year or what to do about paying for school. So that's stressing me out in addition to the second item on my list...

2) Now, don't tell anyone, but it is the anniversary of the evacuation of my mother's uterus. Ya, that's right, it's my birthday. I don't know if I have shared this with you, but I don't like my birthday. The day is fine, I like being born in April, but I don't like the responsibility that the day usually brings. So, I keep it a well-guarded secret. For everyone else who has a birthday today, Happy Birthday. I hope it goes well for you and that you enjoy your day.

3) ... I know there is more, but I can't remember what it is right now, so I will check in later with you guys.

My Mind Won't Shut Up!!!

Normally I do not even like to say shut up, to me it is a "four-letter word". In this case, however, I think it is appropriate. I can't sleep well. I take magnesium, which usually helps me fall asleep and sleep peacefully through the night, but my mind won't turn off anymore. Last night, I stayed up until about 11 p.m. (very unusual for me now) working on anatomy (which was getting it done early! Also very unusual). By the time I fell asleep it was close to midnight or later. Then I woke up at about 6 a.m. and could not fall back asleep even though I usually sleep through a couple snooze cycles.

Yesterday in psych we learned about Freud's theories about anxiety and I fit to a "T" in the neurotic anxiety category. I have tried to change by focusing on positives, doing my daily thanksgivings, stopping myself from being sooooooo cynical and I am hanging out with my friends much more. With all of these things I figured my stress would go down and I would stop worrying about every little thing, especially before it happened. Unfortunately, my little experiment did not go as planned. Now I am sleepless, staying up to think about the guy I have developed a thing for, I worry about how awful I am as a CNA and now my poor grades are creeping into my head as well. I also believe my depression is coming back, with reinforcement. Folks, I am not sure what to do...

Let's change the subject though, this Debbie Downer thing is getting me worked up just a little bit. I went out to lunch yesterday with my mentor. She is only a year ahead of me but she gives me faith counseling and nursing school advice. At the end of lunch she asked me if there were any guys in my life which was so weird because she knows I don't understand the whole cute guy, attraction, dating thing. But it was nice to share with someone who was excited for me to be reciprocating "feelings" (I hate that word, it makes me want to cast up my breakfast) for this guy. I told her I wasn't ready to date and didn't plan on dating until junior year. To this she quickly rebuked my need to plan (and worry) about my entire life before I have even gotten anywhere. I think she is right. I cannot plan everything because, ultimately, G-d is in control of all things. I have little to nothing to do with how my life plays out, He already knows what happens and how the story ends. On the other hand, I don't want to date anyone that is not looking for marriage and is not totally in love with G-d first and foremost. Getting my heart broken is something I desperately want to avoid and I figured that by praying that I don't date anyone until my husband comes along, I would avoid the whole breakup mess. Breaking up would just cast me into a deeper depression than I would know how to handle and it breaks friends up. Again my neurotic anxiety is surfacing. Funny how that works, huh?

Daily Thanksgiving: Today I am thankful I got to have lunch with my friend yesterday. I was able to pass my chem test, with just a C, but it was a high C (78%). Next time, I plan to study much more and work towards an A in anatomy and chemistry because I really need to raise my grades. I am thankful for the fact that G-d holds me in His hands and never lets me go. I know that He is with me even in my darkest hour, and I seem to have a lot of those. He has also protected me from so many boys that would have been so very bad for me and he gives me wisdom, and sometimes ignorance, in order to preserve me.

"Bless the L-rd, oh my soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul. I'll worship Your holy name." (It's from a song and seemed fitting.)