Well, That's Embarassing!

I apologize for yet another post about this pre-relationship thing going on, but it's consuming all of my thinking and I have to let it out and "talk" it out because I have three tests coming up that I cannot focus enough to study for.

So my guy friend told his roommate and my close friend. We are calling the Roommate B and my close girl friend Z. For the sake of easier writing, my guy friend will be P. Are we good? Anyway, so P told B and Z, without my knowledge, about our talk and confessions yesterday. This apparently made for some knowing looks and giggles because I say stupid things. We were talking about just random stuff, like sleeping, and I waited for a few other people to finish up their talking then decided that I should contribute to the conversation. BIG MISTAKE! B and Z exchanged knowing glances and smiled, likely giggling quietly to themselves at my foolish choice of speaking times. How embarrassing! I didn't even mean it the way they took it, but that's the price of talking about "feelings"... I think I better go lie down before I stress myself out too much over all the stupid things I'm fixin' to say. I had also better figure out how to go back to not talking... EVER. I used to never talk, I don't know what happened to me.

Today went well though. I can't pay attention during class, but I actually got to sleep in a little bit today so that was nice. I also studied for another hour and a half with a good friend who is in all of my classes. She is so awesome and chill and I am so glad G-d brought her into my life.

Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't say anything stupider than what I did at breakfast. Also, now I know who to watch what I say around because I guarantee I am going to be at the butt of a huge amount of jokes. It's cool though, I've been at the butt of jokes most of my life... (That wasn't supposed to sound like self-pity or sad, it's just a funny fact about yours truly.) I have studied quite a bit and I know most of the models that will be on my test. After this week, I only have to worry about finals and the HESI, but I will get a slight break before madness descends on my life, a very short break. Guys, Monday is done and G-d allowed me to survive!!! He will get me through this life. Everything threatens to break me, but I know that He will allow me to survive as long as He sees fit, then I get to go home and not worry about being so foolish, awkward and ridiculously bad at being around anything/anyone but rocks. I like rocks, except for when they decide to attack me, which actually happens a lot... Probably because I talk to them too much...

See!?! My brain does not work right now and I have to study!!!!!!!!!!!

Update From Yesterday

So, my birthday turned out decent. Nobody knew about it, that I know of, so that was good. Also, my classes weren't terrible, they just dragged on all day. However, yesterday is a success in my book and I am very glad I didn't make a big deal about turning 19. That number bothers me, because I just got used to writing 18 on stuff... Oh well.

The crush I have is still there despite the various ways I have tried to lose these "feelings". Feelings is such a gross word. Anyway, I still have not decided what I am going to do about it and I am still waiting on the L-rd to direct my decision.

School is back in full swing even though my brain is still stuck on break, but I am getting through the week and enjoying the lack of homework I have to complete thanks to my hard effort over break!

Daily Thanksgiving from yesterday: Nobody knew about my birthday (except my family). It rained here. Saturday I may be going on a hike that I am very excited about, which is good because I usually don't get excited about hikes or physical activities at all.

More to come about today later.


How are you doing today?

The Irony

Have you ever had life experiences where all you can think is "that's ironic!"? Most of my life is that way. A while ago a guy I had had a crush on for four or five years started dating a girl that I don't believe liked me much. We were all from the same small little church and it's just weird that of all the people that they could have started dating, they choose each other. Just like it's odd that my best friend, C, from middle school started dating one of my friends after I didn't share in his romantic understanding of our relationship. Now he is married, with a kid, that could have been me... And while I still love him as a very dear friend, I am glad it was not me that he married and I am even more glad he did not break my heart. I also find it slightly ironic that I now live in a town my family has despised all my life because my dad grew up near here. I did not want to come to this town, but now that I am here, it's not so bad. There are plenty of other examples of my life's irony, but I shan't bore you too much today.

In other news, I found an entire section of my university's library devoted to nursing, midwifery, obstetrics and all the stuff I want to do!!! Guys you have no idea how excited I was when I found it. I almost screamed and cried for joy at the sight of those beautiful books explaining the processes of labor and delivery and such like material. Well, not really, but my heart did get happy that my school has this section of books. Now I can go and learn on my own about material way above the actual material I need to know currently.

Spring break is three days away and I have so much I have to do. I have a paper due on thursday, I took my Chem test today and break is going to be spent reading research books for my next paper and studying. Unfortunately, HESI studying will be focused on during my spring break. Then Anatomy, Chem and Psych studying... school never ends. But when I come back there will only be 6 weeks separating me from no longer being a college freshman.

Have any of you heard of/listened to Francesca Battistelli? If you haven't, you should look her up. I love her voice and most of her music is upbeat and about normal, everyday life. It has become my Pandora station of choice during homework, leading to procrastination, but I love her music.

Do you have any fun plans for spring break?

Daily Thanksgiving: I am finished with my chem test, my anatomy tests, my psych test and on Thursday I will be done with my English paper. I am so close to being on spring break I can taste it and I do actually get to spend time with my friends for some of the time. I am so very thankful that I get to go home for spring break because I haven't been home for about a month, which is a very long time for me.

Turnaround

I'm sorry to start on a negative note, but my day was terrible. For some reason I had the bright idea to work on a Friday along with my normal Sunday shift. Note to self: NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!! First of all, I was on the behavior unit which means there are a bunch of people who do not speak English or they wander or they need a lot of attention. Second, the CNA working with me was having a life crisis and was not there for the majority of the day. Needless to say, one new girl with 15-16 residents - who require a lot more work than two people can handle - was not a good situation. I am totally fine with people needing to be gone to talk or take care of business or whatever, but I need someone else there with me! I was just a bit frazzled.

This story ends well I promise...

Anyway, I come home and was expecting to go play outside. Yes, I am a college student who goes to play outside with her friends (for the third consecutive night in a row). But they were not playing outside, so I texted my friend. Somehow I end up going to a friend's room and asked him for a hug because I had such a bad day. He thinks I'm nuts because I always fight it when he tries to give me a hug because I do not like being touched or close to people. So he gives me a hug (and will not stop talking about it with everyone because it is so out of my character) and I feel better. I actually feel great! We got a big group of friends together and played volleyball outside and I got to chatter on about all the random stuff that popped into my head. This too is uncommon for me, usually I am super quiet. So my day ended well.

I don't know what is happening to me though! I lived in a suite with three other girls and always wanted to be alone. Then, when I moved, I was totally content only seeing my friends for meals, well, just for dinner. Now, all of a sudden, I crave human interaction on a very steady basis. This is driving me nuts because I don't get anything done! I guess I am just going to have to develop a balance between almost living with my friends and getting schoolwork done when I don't have to work. Gosh, this is going to be tough...

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friend's hug, volleyball, a warm day without direct sun contact making playing ball easier, the CNA's that worked with me today, the fact that I have a job (a CNA job), and for my car.

Shabbat Shalom everyone! I even said it at the right time this time!!!

Oh golly, I forgot to tell you I made a new friend at work. He is studying to be a pastor and working in the food service area of the facility. We met at orientation and he is super nice. It's a wonder I make friends with how timid and awkward I am, but G-d provides companionship regardless of how silly I am.

Weird Week

When comparing my week with friends, we discovered that most (if not all) people I talked to had a weird week and no one can explain or understand why it seemed weird. I totally don't understand it at all. Alas, this week is over though! Please forgive me if "alas" is not the proper word there, I am trying to expand my vocabulary and cannot seem to make my new words fit into the proper places, but hey, I am trying.

Have you watched Duck Dynasty? Yes, that was a rather abrupt topic change, but I am exhausted and also made the mistake of drinking two sweet teas from Chick-fil-a. Me, the girl who can hardly handle the sugar in a sucker because it makes me hyper, had TWO sweet teas. All of that sugar is making me crazy! I bet there is caffeine in the tea too to add to my sudden odd hyperness even though I am also very sleepy and ready for bed. Anyway, back to Duck Dynasty, it is hilarious! I love the episode where Willie's daughter starts dating this new boy so the Willie and his dad or his brother take the kid hunting and try to intimidate him. I would love if my dad did that! I think it would be hilarious and it would also test the kid's motive a bit more, but it may also be considered threatening so that may not be so good. But definitely watch the show, it's good to release pent up stress hormones and laugh at these hilarious guys.

I had a great day though! We played football again and made more new friends. Then we went to Chick-fil-a, my favorite fast food place (because I do not eat much fast food) instead of the on campus cafeteria. I did not have any tests today and English went by surprisingly fast which is awesome because I love my teacher, but I get so lost in the discussions our class has that I zone out 74.3% of the time. By then, the teacher is calling on me for input and I look like a fool because I don't understand what's going on. I am a science major. I like math. I LOVE complex problems when there is a definate way to get to the solution. English is not my forte because you have to think outside the box. I don't do "outside the box" because my brain does not function that way. I am very left-brained.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends, this beautiful weather that is sticking around, the weekend, a B on one of my anatomy tests, an awesome chem lab partner, Chick-fil-a, and for football. Even though I had a strange week and took three tests, I had a great time. It's that simple, I am thankful for life.

Oh, and it turns out I did get sunburned yesterday, it just didn't show up until today... I can't remember if I had already written about my sunburn because I am having a really hard time with remembering things today. I was talking with a friend during football and we were comparing our days. I asked her when she went to lunch, which she proceeded to tell me about. About 10 minutes into that conversation, we realized - at the same time - that we had gone to lunch together! I don't know what's up but it is driving me nuts because everyone I talk to is exhausted but antsy to do something, and no one can seem to remember anything today. Plus, everyone has the giggles for no reason. We will just be sitting around laughing because everyone else is laughing but no one knows what we are laughing at. Maybe we were drugged... Doubt it. But what is going on? At least it is providing a bunch of laughs in the meantime so it's not so bad.

Eye Contact

I have written twice already today, with this being my third post, but I just keep thinking about stuff. Maybe this is making up for all the days I missed over my extended weekend.

Any-who, I have thinking about eye contact more and more because of interviews, friendships and so on. Why is eye contact so uncomfortable? The other person cannot really see deep into your soul. Emotions are played out on the face and through body language, not just through eyes. Eyes, are simple really, just a cornea, lens, retina and some goo in-between layers. That's it! Not much to eyes.

Why is it, then, that it is foreign to make eye contact for so many? I am first on the list, by the way, of people who despise it. For some reason, eye contact usually makes me blush. Even with my parents, brother, close friends, anyone really. I get squirmy and self conscious. Lately, however, I have become more comfortable with a few people and can actually look into their eyes and perceive an unspoken understanding. Not with very many people, mind you, but there are one or two who I actually find comfort in locking gazes with. The weirdest thing, though, is they actually know more of my story, my full story. I would have thought that with them knowing my shady past, the most intimate details of my life, I would be more self-conscious around them. Therefore, I would likely shy away from their glance. Quite the opposite is happening, however, and I am pleasantly surprised! I do not plan on sharing my story with many others, but just a few close friends can know (plus you guys, but I'm anonymous).

Do you have a theory as to why eye contact is so unnerving? Why is it easier to look into someone's eyes when they know more about you than most of your closest friends?