Update From Yesterday

So, my birthday turned out decent. Nobody knew about it, that I know of, so that was good. Also, my classes weren't terrible, they just dragged on all day. However, yesterday is a success in my book and I am very glad I didn't make a big deal about turning 19. That number bothers me, because I just got used to writing 18 on stuff... Oh well.

The crush I have is still there despite the various ways I have tried to lose these "feelings". Feelings is such a gross word. Anyway, I still have not decided what I am going to do about it and I am still waiting on the L-rd to direct my decision.

School is back in full swing even though my brain is still stuck on break, but I am getting through the week and enjoying the lack of homework I have to complete thanks to my hard effort over break!

Daily Thanksgiving from yesterday: Nobody knew about my birthday (except my family). It rained here. Saturday I may be going on a hike that I am very excited about, which is good because I usually don't get excited about hikes or physical activities at all.

More to come about today later.


How are you doing today?

Dreamin'

Do y'all ever have dreams you wish would not end because they are so fun or something you really wanted to happen? I hate those dreams because I wake up sad that they are not real life. Ok, that was harsh. I actually really like those dreams and I only have a slight dissappointment that they are not real. But for me, it is like watching a love story. You get so involved in what is happening in the movie (or the dream) and then by the time you get back to real life, it is not nearly as exciting or anything like you would have wanted. I believe that the romantic movies, books, songs and ideals that we are being bombarded with (or at least offered) are resulting in unrealistic expectations and ideas when it comes to dating and marriage. I know, this is like the 50th post I have done about this topic, but it's really frustrating to me. If I could choose, I want to go back in time to the late 1800's. At this time, modesty was a requirement for all, food was home-grown, and boys had to ask your parents before they could even court (date) you at all. In that system, the parents were able to consider the boy's parents, his history, schooling, age and so on. Then the parents of the girl used their fully developed prefrontal cortex in order to make an educated decision as to whether or not to let the girl even try to make a relationship work. I know, there were arranged marriages and not everyone was happy. But, dating was not a thing of the heart, it was thought through, discussed and considered by many viewpoints. Ideally, this method would save a lot of heartache because there is little chance for the girl or boy to date 25 people by the time they are 18.

Perhaps, I should just make myself stop dreaming... Just like I can make myself avoid chick-flicks, romance novels, country music and so forth. I could just make myself stop dreaming and day-dreaming to avoid my own mental role-playing games of what I wish would happen. Of course, this is likely impossible, so off to the drawing board I go in hopes of becoming less cynical and depressed over stuff that has not happened.

Daily Thanksgiving: I get to teach my friend how to drive stick-shift today and I have all day to clean and study! That really is a thanksgiving because I don't have school thrown in the mix. Also, HESI studying is not as bad as I thought it would be, it is just tedious and I don't take the HESI for a few more months but I am getting started early which should help me out a little.

Spring Break!

I should have updated you all yesterday once I got out of lab that I was now on my spring break, but I was hanging out with my friends. So, I am now officially on spring break! To start off the festivities, I stayed up until 1:30 last night watching t.v., but I also did my laundry and hung out with my friend until about 10:30.

I am so excited to go home today, unfortunately I have to stay until at least 2 or so because of my RA interview. I do not like interviews, they make me uncomfortable and stress me out. If I do interviews, I would want it to be at a coffee shop, where we can get a coffee and sit and get to know each other because it seems that people are more themselves when they are not sitting in a chair alone being questioned by a panel of strangers. Anyway, after my interview, I have to wait for my friend to get off work, then we are going to his new house until the traffic subsides a bit. Fridays are awful for traffic from my campus to the city I live in. A typical hour drive turns into a 2-3 hour drive because people won't get out of the fast lane and were not taught how to properly utilize highways. Plus, the highway is mostly a two lane highway (in each direction), when it really needs to be closer to three or four because of the large influx in population. But, it is what it is, and I really enjoy cranking up my radio and jamming out for an 1+ hours.

Not having homework (except for editing and submitting a paper) is so nice! I miss high school because homework had an end to it after just a couple of hours. In college, not so much. No matter how long or how hard you work, there is always more that can be done. Whether it is reading for the next class period, or studying, or writing your papers, or even actual homework, there is never an end.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's spring break and life is nice right now. I loved hanging out with my friend last night and I finally made the move to delete my Facebook account to avoid the awkwardness from my ex-roommates. This is gonna be a good week... once I can get through my interview.

Coffee Date

So I had a "coffee date" with my good friend (who is a girl). At said date, I told her about my guy. She knows the guy, but I didn't tell her who it really is. It is nice to be able to gush about a guy to another girl because she understands me. She also gushed about her crush and we helped each other through. I will tell you, having a crush is really a nuisance. I cannot sleep, I cannot concentrate on my studies, and I cannot focus in class because he is always on my mind. Unfortunately, I am unable to put certain thoughts on hold or push them from my mind.

In other news, I got a 94% on my psych test! Also, spring break is one more day of classes away. Then I have to stay on campus Friday for my RA interview, unfortunately, but it gives me more time to be able to actually relax with my friends. I'm so excited for spring break I can't even tell you!!!

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for coffee dates, amazing friends, Life cereal when the cafeteria food is bad (which is 99.9% of the time), and for my beautiful computer that I get to crank out my English paper on tonight. Ya, the paper is due tomorrow and has to be 6 pages... I have to learn to not procrastinate. Also, I am glad that it is not sunny and nice enough to play outside today because I would likely not write my paper if it was nice enough to play outside.

Falling Fast

Have you ever had those times when you can't fall asleep because your brain won't shut up? I'm having a season of this, but it's not fully unwelcome. Somehow I even wake up and I'm not super exhausted because I wake up thinking about what I fell asleep thinking about. Which, by the way, is not something... it's someone. All of my efforts to not fall for anyone, not even a crush, until junior year is not working so well. While that sucks, it still makes me happy to think about him and hang out with him. I can't explain it, but I can look into his eyes and be comfortable. He knows most of my faults, he knows my quirks, he knows my past, yet he is comfy. I don't shy away from his help, in fact he is one of the only people I actually ask for help from. His arms hold a peace and he knows how to get me to laugh when I am really down. He doesn't push my boundaries as other guys have when they showed interest in me and that is huge for me. While he does not know I may be having a bad day, he knows how to turn my day around. What is this?

Here I am, gushing like a little girl about a guy. It makes want to gag and dance all at the same time. Feelings are not something I like, but, in the words of The Band Perry, "he is hip to my heart". If this is something more than just a crush, I know we are in the beginning stages, but it seems that this is what people look for. Ideally you are supposed to marry your best friend right? This is so different from my crushes in the past, this is not awkward, it's not going past my boundaries, he does not pressure me or put me down. He jokes with me, makes me want to be kinder and improve myself so I am congruent with G-d's desires for how people should act. I want to be more outgoing and share everything about my day with him. I constantly want to let him know what's going on and hang out with him. This seems like how a true life-long relationship would/should start. Weirder still than all of my fears of relationships is my lack of fear now.

Times like this make me want to know if it is a waste of time to be so focused on a person. I want to know if I will ever get married. I want to meet my husband and start to get to know him. I want to know how G-d has planned my life and what life will be like. I do not want to be spending so much time thinking about boys (which I do not do often) if I am never going to get married because I could be focusing on school or something else. At the same time, I know G-d reveals all things on His time and it is fun to have the surprise of what G-d is bringing into my life. Still, I am frustrated not knowing if I am wasting my time because I cannot focus on anything. I think I may be falling for this boy, just a little...