The Passing of a Friend

Do y'all remember Country Boy? He comes up quite frequently in my posts because he confuses me. He gets me all sorts of excited for his attention but bugs me at the same time because I crave his attention.

Well, turns out he passed away about two weeks ago.

I'm in shock.

I don't know what to do. This is the first time I can remember a friend dying. I keep going through anger, sadness, questioning, doubt that this really happened, then I'm jolted back to believing that this is reality and not some movie that I can stop and rewind. I feel a lot of guilt. Guilt because I could have texted him. I've been thinking about him for about a month now which usually means that he is about to text me. I fought with the idea of texting him first, but I decided it was a bad idea. Then I start playing the what-if game. What if I had texted him way back a couple of weeks ago when I had wanted to to see how he was? What if I had actually gone to hang out with him the couple of times he invited me somewhere, especially the last time that was about 2-4 weeks ago? What if I had been sending him snap chats when I learned that he had added me on it? What if I had not just said "no thanks" the last time he asked me out and instead said "I'm sorry but I just got a boyfriend and he's a little jealous" or "I think I'm just going to stay in this weekend, but maybe we could go shooting some time"? What if, what if, what if...

He was supposed to turn 20 this Friday. I had been waiting to text him until his birthday. It was taking all I could muster to wait until then. 

I suspected he had depression. I figured that's why he had a tendency to talk to a lot of girls and why he seemed to always have a girlfriend. See, his dad died last year a little after Valentine's Day. He really loved his dad and the father's death happened really unexpectedly due to a heart attack or something. It was a traumatic way to see his dad die because by the time the ambulance arrived at their house, nothing could be done. He talked about how his best friend and his sister were dating and then broke up. When that happened he lost his best friend (they used to see each other every day) and he said he didn't have any other real friends. He had gotten into a car wreck a few months back and had some really bad pain from that. He told me about how he had gotten into marijuana back in high school and how he had gotten into trouble for doing other stuff and all of this lead him to getting kicked out of high school. He then went to a high school program for troubled teens that allowed them to finish their high school career while also doing college work. He ended up graduating high school and getting an Associate's degree at the same time. He had recently started a new job that he liked significantly more than his previous one at a retail store and he was going back to school to get more certifications and maybe even a degree in mechanical engineering. He turned his life around and he seemed to be doing great.

After he told me a little about his past, I told him I thought it was great that he was so young and yet had gotten so much done. He brushed it off out of either humility or disbelief that he was actually being genuinely complimented on his accomplishments. I have a feeling it was the latter.

He had offered to take me hunting this fall. I had gotten really excited and almost went right out and bought head-to-toe camo. He had said I was gorgeous. He wanted to hang out with me and had asked me out but agreed to be just friends for awhile. We talked about needles and sterile fields and he ribbed me about how I thought learning sterile field was cool in college but he had learned it in high school. We almost took an EMT class together because we both thought it would be amazing to be EMT's. He told me he thought I was smart and funny and, did I mention, gorgeous? That was after he met me for the first time and I was a wreck because I had just gotten off of work and he was helping us get back into my friend's house after the whole evacuation ordeal.

I've been informed that his death was likely self-inflicted.

I could have helped. I could have texted or talked to him on Facebook or Snap Chatted him. He could have texted me! I would have driven right to him and talked him through his troubles. He could have called! I would have prayed with him and talked him through the struggles. He could have reached out. I could have shared my story of near suicides and my season of severe depression. I could have let him know that there is help and people can listen to him so that he doesn't have to bear the weight of life alone.

How do I process this? How do I not go over the past month repeatedly until it is fixed and he is back with us and this is all just a bad dream that I will wake up from? How do I keep myself from being eaten alive by the guilt and the what-if's? How do I handle the first death of a friend? Not just any death, but a suicide? How do I not blame myself for not talking to him when I thought of him? What am I supposed to do?

Short Story

Okay, I know I'm ridiculously wordy and I think that is because I don't know what info to include in stories and what to leave out. So, I am going to try to make this a short post/story today. Ready?

My week: Pop quiz in Patho and in BHA. Got 50% on Patho pop quiz and 20% on BHA's. Pharm test and Patho quiz due today, both online. Study for 3 days. Pharm test completed with at least 6 wrong (more to be graded by prof.), lowest figured grade is C. Patho quiz = 19/30. I QUIT!!! What was I thinking?

C'est la vie...

I woke up and the day started like a normal day for me. Got ready and was fixin' to head out the door with my brother when he realized he couldn't find his wallet. We looked around for a bit but still could not find it so we decided I should drive. At this point, we are approximately 5-10 minutes behind schedule. I drop him off and as I am driving to my part of campus, I get pulled over.

"Ma'am, do you know what the campus speed limit is?"

"No, sir, I do not"

"It's 15 and you were going 25 when I clocked you. License, registration, and proof of insurance please."

Awesome! My first speeding ticket, I'm already late, and now I can't even find the car's registration because my brother is a pack rat and puts everything in weird places. It's only 9:30 and my day already sucks!

"Ma'am, I'll let you off with a warning because we haven't had to pull you over before but just know that for going 10 mph over the speed limit, your ticket would have been $100"

"I'm so sorry officer, thank you very much"

I walk into class 15 minutes late to find that there was an unannounced quiz. I go up to talk to the teacher who just says "sorry." I got back to my seat and wait for lecture to begin while trying to hold back the tears. With me, it has to be really bad for me to start tearing up in class, but I never cry if I can help it. Fortunately, I didn't cry. All through class, my brother had been texting me. I had turned my phone on silent so I didn't hear anything at all. I check my phone over our short break and 5 new texts and a phone call all from my brother. I wanted to explain what had happened so that he would realize that his problem of having to wait 2 hours was not as bad as all of my angering tragedies, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed calm, texted him to wait until my class was over and then I would take him home. He replied snottily and I felt like going off on him, but I remained calm still.

Class is over, so I head outside. I find my brother in the backseat because he had a bad day too.  His bad day merely consisted of getting a 70% on a quiz, having to walk down to my part of campus, and then sitting in a hot car even though he definitely could have gone inside to where it is air conditioned. Guys, I STILL didn't go off on him! I calmly explained my morning: being late, getting pulled over, and getting a 0 on a quiz I didn't know we had because he would not just leave when I asked him to.

After lunch, I needed to pick up a penlight for my next class which is BHA lab. I left the house underestimating how long it would take to secure such an item. By this time I was 5 minutes late and I didn't have the parking pass that my brother and I share because I forgot it! So, I go to metered parking but I don't have any quarters. I drive around 3-4 times looking for a parking spot in the neighborhood close to the school and finally find one. A brisk walk up a large hill with flip-flops and I make it to lab sweating, out of breath, and 15 minutes late. Oy vey! I almost just didn't even go because I was so angry and frantic.

My professor for lab just happens to be the professor I have for the lecture I went to earlier in the day. She came over to me, and my heart started pumping so hard and fast. She leaned over and whispered, "You can come into my office tomorrow and retake that quiz." Let me tell you, those were such sweet words along with the cop just letting me off with a warning. I wasn't even worried about the quiz anymore, I didn't care at that point because it was already definitive for me, I missed the quiz and I'll just take a zero. I was also sure that I was going to get a ticket today. Instead, G-d had different plans for me with both of those. He gave the cop and my professor grace for me and allowed my day to be awful, but completely within His control. It was definitely a lesson in time management, anger, forgiveness, grace, and trust.

I would really like to go to bed now because I'm exhausted from having such a stressful day, but I have a million things due tomorrow so I had better get to work. C'est la vie, non? (FYI: "non" is how you spell and say "no" in French, it is pronounced just like our "no")

Marriage Study

As a follow-up to my "Personal News" post, I did a word study on marriage. Did it clarify anything about the purpose of marriage? No, not even a little bit. I have noticed, however, that G-d is bringing this topic up in all aspects of my life though. It's kinda strange, but it is also how I know that He is talking to me and He is laying it on my heart. I kinda wish I understood why I need to know so much about this subject, but that is still very unclear.

After independent study and a few Google searches, I have arrived at the point that marriage mainly does 3 things:

1. Provides community (more stable environment for child rearing, friendship, strength, love*, etc)
2. Allows for safe procreation (because who doesn't want little mini-me's running around? Having kids is like doing experiments to see what characteristics of each parent they get! I know that sounds bad, but I hope you admit that it is pretty cool seeing this thing grow in you/your wife and then you get to meet the kid and watch them grow up...)
3. It is a metaphor of Yeshua's love for His people (Jews and Gentiles alike who trust in Him)

Why? I still do not know and I likely will never fully understand. Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it is right for me. I don't know that I am stable enough to be in a relationship or if I could weather life with another person. How do I know if the guy that dates me fore years and then proposes is the right person for me? Will there be regrets? Will we drive each other up the wall for the first few years or will we be that couple that is in Honeymoon phase for the first decade. Will I survive if he dies first? How will marriage affect my career? If I get married out of nursing school, should I go straight into midwifery school or should I wait and get settled as a nurse in case we have children? If I do wait on becoming a CNM, when would be the best time to go back to school? Where will we live? Will my parents be able to live long enough to see their grandkids? Will my puppy be able to meet them? (She is my current baby, but she's close to 8 or 9 right now...) Where will we live? Should we move to a state that does not require the stupid flu vaccine? Should we move to another country that is more CNM friendly? Ahhhhh! What does the future hold?

Forgive the minor meltdown there, live just isn't what I thought it would be. Do you ever have that experience? You know, something that you thought would be so cool isn't actually all that you thought it would be? I think I am doing that with marriage. I know that was the truth for getting into nursing school, getting my first car, buying my own computer, having a boy like me for the first time, etc. etc. etc. Nothing makes me as happy as I think it is going to make me. On the other hand, the only thing that truly makes me happy is G-d and then He makes me more happy than I ever expected. It makes me wish that I never would have watched t.v. ever, because then I would be able to experience life for myself without having these preconceived notions that something will be so great when it actually isn't in real life.

So, will I have regrets when I get married because I am thinking marriage will be some great thing? I'm not making it out to be a Cinderella story. Let's be real, that's not even my cup of tea. But will I be disappointed with what married life really is? I just want a friend that will be with me for a really long time. Lately, I have seen too many marriages end after 10-25 years because one spouse starts cheating, or they are abusive to the other, or someone's midlife crisis just gets control of them so they split. Will that be my story? Will I have to bear that burden? Would I even be able to survive?

Marriage is so much more than what they show in the movies and on t.v. I'm not even married and I am skeptical that it is something that I would be strong enough to do. Is this G-d telling me that I will never be married or is this Him getting me ready for the harsh reality that marriage is not all fun and games?
 

Return of My Cynicism

I just researched "cynic" just to see if I was spelling it right, but I found this definition on Google: "Cynicism, in its original form, refers to the beliefs of an ancient school of Greek philosophers known as the Cynics. Their philosophy was that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with Nature."

Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):

1. Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
2. Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.

I am under the influence of both of these ways of thought.

Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.

Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?

Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?

My Apologies

I would like to apologize for the following bad news. It seems as though this day may be a tough one to get through, so please bear with me.

1) I didn't get the RA job. This was probably a good thing because G-d would have let me have it if He needed to me to have the job. Likely, it would have been too much on my plate. However, my plans are now shot. I don't know where I'm going to live next year or what to do about paying for school. So that's stressing me out in addition to the second item on my list...

2) Now, don't tell anyone, but it is the anniversary of the evacuation of my mother's uterus. Ya, that's right, it's my birthday. I don't know if I have shared this with you, but I don't like my birthday. The day is fine, I like being born in April, but I don't like the responsibility that the day usually brings. So, I keep it a well-guarded secret. For everyone else who has a birthday today, Happy Birthday. I hope it goes well for you and that you enjoy your day.

3) ... I know there is more, but I can't remember what it is right now, so I will check in later with you guys.

Bad Grades!

I got a C on my chem test from this morning... Technically its a 78% and I got 6 points of extra credit but this is so not good. My grades are awful right now, I really have to start studying more and longer because this is depressing. Seriously depressing.