Last night I wrote about how exfiance hadn't texted me in a couple days and I was thinking maybe he finally got the message. Well, when I woke up this morning (at 0600 because of puppy jumping on my bed and waking me up after I had gone to bed around 0200) I realized that when I went to dinner with Best Friend a couple nights ago, he blocked exfiance's number in my phone.
He did it because when I talk about exfiance, Best Friend gets angry. He's mad that I'm hurt and he asked if he could have prevented it better by talking to me more in the past few years or doing something else. It was the "what-if" game that I'm so good at playing in my own head, but when other's play it I let them know they are ridiculous and time machines don't exist. His eyes got misty when I would talk about exboyfriend and exfiance or when he thought about what happened.
Anyway, dinner with Best Friend was really good. We ate and then went to get ice cream across the street and visited a candy shop next door to the ice cream. I just don't understand how, after everything, we are still so easy together and talk about everything. He's got a girlfriend and I'm legit happy for him. We still care so much about each other but we don't try to make anything happen because we're fine just being friends. I asked him how his girlfriend was okay with our dinner night because the guys I dated would have been texting me the whole time wondering who I was with, where, when I would be back. They would want me to text me when I left, when I got home, and every 30 seconds to let them know an exact play-by-play of my activities and the actions of those around me. She was completely cool with it.
We even talked about why we split. We both agreed that it was for the better and he didn't try to make me feel bad. We made jokes and discussed the ins and outs of why we weren't right, but he still wishes that he could have saved me back then or that he could fix the current situation. It's a solid friendship and we pick up where we left off even after several years of being apart. He's a huge blessing.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Friday, January 29, 2016
A Little Bit Stronger
This is a song title by Sara Evans about her journey towards getting to the downhill point of a break up. She is finally getting out of bed and getting ready so that she can go get on with her "normal" life. Well, this kind of describes me, but I am getting stronger. Thank you Nurse Dee for pointing it out to me in the comment I got to read today!
So do you guys remember how I had a friend go off on me after class last week in person and over text because I'm a bad friend? Well, she asked me to hang out this weekend. I was giving her short answers because I didn't want to talk, especially not to particular people at that moment. Well, she called me out for being short with her and asked if I was okay and if we were "okay". I think she presently regrets asking that...
I proceeded to ask her if she has gone to Beauty about what I was lectured on because she kept saying she was bothered by Beauty and I. So, why would she not go to Beauty and instead take it out on me? I explained that I understand where she was coming from, but that I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down because I'm going through really personal stuff right now. I told her that I try my best to put aside my own problems to be able to "be there" for friends when they are lonely, hurt, happy, or whatever else may come up, but that I need to focus on me right now. Work is also something that I had to plan in the equation and so even though she makes plans, that doesn't mean I can always shift everything around in order to hang out with people. My side was not heard or solicited and I felt completely attacked when I hadn't been deserving of that because I work really hard to be a good friend but I was getting picked on for missing one or two events she planned.
I got 5 novel length texts in response explaining to me why I was the target of this explosion. There was a "sorry, but..." which means that the apology is not legitimately an apology. She is saying sorry because she thinks that's what I want to hear, but she isn't really sorry for what she did. She's sorry that I called her out on being so rude to someone who is not really surviving right now. She's sorry I'm upset and don't want to hang out with her for awhile or maybe ever. She's sorry that she is stressed now because I'm not going to continue to back down to her the way I have for her and many of my other friends in the past. I'm over it.
I told her I forgive her, but that I need some time because I'm really hurt. I don't say "it's okay" when others apologize because what she did wasn't okay. However, I feel like telling her that I "forgive her but that I'm still hurt and need time for me" shows her that I'm not holding a grudge, what she did wasn't okay, and I now need to heal from the damage she caused.
I explained that Beauty invited me to the mall because she knew I was having a hard day and probably needed to vent and process things out loud with someone while also having a distraction available if need be. I told her I didn't want to talk about my troubles (because she is usually one to try to dig for the scoop) and that she also knows more than most people in my life (by accident... but she doesn't know it was an accident).
She concluded by telling me she doesn't believe I actually forgave her.
Well, okay. I really did forgive her. That's why I'm happier and lighter right now. I'm not stressing because this shit is on her now. I spoke my peace. I let her know she hurt me and that what she did was absolutely not okay, especially to someone in my current shoes, even though she only knows about exboyfriend and has no idea what exfiance did to me. She does know, however, fiance and I broke up. Even if a friend was going through just a simple break up, you give them SPACE!!!
C'MON PEOPLE! This is a common sense thing. Why do people think that common courtesy goes out the window when it comes to ME going through things?
Is it because I don't act all down and depressed when I'm with friends? Am I not being dramatic enough? Do they expect me to talk about everything and tell the whole world the deeply painful and incredibly intimate details of my completely broken life? What the fuck do these people want from me?
I deal with things privately and put on a face, as best I can, when I go out in public. That was how I was raised and it suits me well because I don't like people in my business. My friends may see that I'm slightly less enthusiastic and more reserved, but they don't understand me at all. They don't know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and that my focus and counseling homework right now is just to drink water and make sure I eat every day. In fact, they don't know I'm in counseling. Not knowing the details of my life is not their fault, I choose to keep these things to myself. It makes life easier for me, believe it or not.
Regardless, you just don't treat people the way I have been treated, despite whether they are going through anything difficult in life or not. Really, that is the basis of my frustration. Even though this friend doesn't know my full story, she does know that exboyfriend messed me up really bad and she knows he raped me. So, yelling at me for hours and hours is inexcusable. Plus, she told me she went off on me even though she's frustrated with Beauty. Again, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! Take up your frustrations with her or figure out some other way to deal with your own shit. You don't dump it on your friend who is moments from death at every turn she takes in life.
Yes, I forgave her, but I don't have to keep her close just because I forgave her. Forgiveness sets me free (the person who was hurt) way more than it sets the offender (the friend) free.
I forgave exboyfriend. That doesn't mean you will ever see me hang out with him, but I am free from the burden on holding a grudge against him because I am letting that go so that G-d can deal with him however He sees fit. I forgave exfiance. That doesn't mean I am going to get back together with him. I forgave Country Boy. He's dead so that was also mostly for me. I forgave Roommate from last year from her and her family attacking me. I forgave my freshman year dorm roommates. I forgive lots of people. However, you will not see me with many of these people because they are toxic leeches on the tapestry of my life. Recently, my tapestry seems to be imploding and spontaneously combusting, but you still won't see them coming along in my story any longer.
This friend has met the end of her role in my story. I will still be nice to her, but I'm over bending over backwards to make sure she is happy with her social life when my physical body is riding the line between shutting down and creeping along.
Yet, the end of the story of the aforementioned people brings in a new freshness, excitement, joy, and freedom in my life. I feel like my story is beginning a new chapter. Between "telling" this friend off and telling exfiance to back off and leave me alone for the final time (hopefully) today. I'm all about trying to create boundaries. I've also sternly discussed my struggle with my brother and dad not making me priority in any way in their lives while I'm expected to drop everything for them and also listen to their incredibly long lectures about how I suck. All of these people have something in common: they all dump on me for what they get frustrated with in their relationships with other people in their life. They all take it out on me. Guess what! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! That, my friends, is glorious. Explaining this to my friend, Dad, Brother, and exfiance is just the first baby step towards better, stronger, actually existing boundaries in my life.
I started reading Boudaries, by the way.
I'm so excited to tell my Counselor on Tuesday about everything that I've been doing this week! My homework was to drink more water, continue to eat, and take it easy because of my lack of sleep. We discussed how frustrated I got when my friend went off on me. I discussed what I had wanted to say and she asked why I didn't tell her those things. Well, it wasn't even my homework but I told her those things!!! It was completely with the help of my new Roomie. She proofread my texts to make sure I was being as objective as possible and also to make sure I was being clear enough and not beating around the bush. Yay New Roomie!
YAY ME!!!!! I have been eating better, drinking way more water, sleeping slightly better... kinda... sometimes... and I told people when they hurt me (which was a bonus).
So do you guys remember how I had a friend go off on me after class last week in person and over text because I'm a bad friend? Well, she asked me to hang out this weekend. I was giving her short answers because I didn't want to talk, especially not to particular people at that moment. Well, she called me out for being short with her and asked if I was okay and if we were "okay". I think she presently regrets asking that...
I proceeded to ask her if she has gone to Beauty about what I was lectured on because she kept saying she was bothered by Beauty and I. So, why would she not go to Beauty and instead take it out on me? I explained that I understand where she was coming from, but that I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down because I'm going through really personal stuff right now. I told her that I try my best to put aside my own problems to be able to "be there" for friends when they are lonely, hurt, happy, or whatever else may come up, but that I need to focus on me right now. Work is also something that I had to plan in the equation and so even though she makes plans, that doesn't mean I can always shift everything around in order to hang out with people. My side was not heard or solicited and I felt completely attacked when I hadn't been deserving of that because I work really hard to be a good friend but I was getting picked on for missing one or two events she planned.
I got 5 novel length texts in response explaining to me why I was the target of this explosion. There was a "sorry, but..." which means that the apology is not legitimately an apology. She is saying sorry because she thinks that's what I want to hear, but she isn't really sorry for what she did. She's sorry that I called her out on being so rude to someone who is not really surviving right now. She's sorry I'm upset and don't want to hang out with her for awhile or maybe ever. She's sorry that she is stressed now because I'm not going to continue to back down to her the way I have for her and many of my other friends in the past. I'm over it.
I told her I forgive her, but that I need some time because I'm really hurt. I don't say "it's okay" when others apologize because what she did wasn't okay. However, I feel like telling her that I "forgive her but that I'm still hurt and need time for me" shows her that I'm not holding a grudge, what she did wasn't okay, and I now need to heal from the damage she caused.
I explained that Beauty invited me to the mall because she knew I was having a hard day and probably needed to vent and process things out loud with someone while also having a distraction available if need be. I told her I didn't want to talk about my troubles (because she is usually one to try to dig for the scoop) and that she also knows more than most people in my life (by accident... but she doesn't know it was an accident).
She concluded by telling me she doesn't believe I actually forgave her.
Well, okay. I really did forgive her. That's why I'm happier and lighter right now. I'm not stressing because this shit is on her now. I spoke my peace. I let her know she hurt me and that what she did was absolutely not okay, especially to someone in my current shoes, even though she only knows about exboyfriend and has no idea what exfiance did to me. She does know, however, fiance and I broke up. Even if a friend was going through just a simple break up, you give them SPACE!!!
C'MON PEOPLE! This is a common sense thing. Why do people think that common courtesy goes out the window when it comes to ME going through things?
Is it because I don't act all down and depressed when I'm with friends? Am I not being dramatic enough? Do they expect me to talk about everything and tell the whole world the deeply painful and incredibly intimate details of my completely broken life? What the fuck do these people want from me?
I deal with things privately and put on a face, as best I can, when I go out in public. That was how I was raised and it suits me well because I don't like people in my business. My friends may see that I'm slightly less enthusiastic and more reserved, but they don't understand me at all. They don't know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and that my focus and counseling homework right now is just to drink water and make sure I eat every day. In fact, they don't know I'm in counseling. Not knowing the details of my life is not their fault, I choose to keep these things to myself. It makes life easier for me, believe it or not.
Regardless, you just don't treat people the way I have been treated, despite whether they are going through anything difficult in life or not. Really, that is the basis of my frustration. Even though this friend doesn't know my full story, she does know that exboyfriend messed me up really bad and she knows he raped me. So, yelling at me for hours and hours is inexcusable. Plus, she told me she went off on me even though she's frustrated with Beauty. Again, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! Take up your frustrations with her or figure out some other way to deal with your own shit. You don't dump it on your friend who is moments from death at every turn she takes in life.
Yes, I forgave her, but I don't have to keep her close just because I forgave her. Forgiveness sets me free (the person who was hurt) way more than it sets the offender (the friend) free.
I forgave exboyfriend. That doesn't mean you will ever see me hang out with him, but I am free from the burden on holding a grudge against him because I am letting that go so that G-d can deal with him however He sees fit. I forgave exfiance. That doesn't mean I am going to get back together with him. I forgave Country Boy. He's dead so that was also mostly for me. I forgave Roommate from last year from her and her family attacking me. I forgave my freshman year dorm roommates. I forgive lots of people. However, you will not see me with many of these people because they are toxic leeches on the tapestry of my life. Recently, my tapestry seems to be imploding and spontaneously combusting, but you still won't see them coming along in my story any longer.
This friend has met the end of her role in my story. I will still be nice to her, but I'm over bending over backwards to make sure she is happy with her social life when my physical body is riding the line between shutting down and creeping along.
Yet, the end of the story of the aforementioned people brings in a new freshness, excitement, joy, and freedom in my life. I feel like my story is beginning a new chapter. Between "telling" this friend off and telling exfiance to back off and leave me alone for the final time (hopefully) today. I'm all about trying to create boundaries. I've also sternly discussed my struggle with my brother and dad not making me priority in any way in their lives while I'm expected to drop everything for them and also listen to their incredibly long lectures about how I suck. All of these people have something in common: they all dump on me for what they get frustrated with in their relationships with other people in their life. They all take it out on me. Guess what! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! That, my friends, is glorious. Explaining this to my friend, Dad, Brother, and exfiance is just the first baby step towards better, stronger, actually existing boundaries in my life.
I started reading Boudaries, by the way.
I'm so excited to tell my Counselor on Tuesday about everything that I've been doing this week! My homework was to drink more water, continue to eat, and take it easy because of my lack of sleep. We discussed how frustrated I got when my friend went off on me. I discussed what I had wanted to say and she asked why I didn't tell her those things. Well, it wasn't even my homework but I told her those things!!! It was completely with the help of my new Roomie. She proofread my texts to make sure I was being as objective as possible and also to make sure I was being clear enough and not beating around the bush. Yay New Roomie!
YAY ME!!!!! I have been eating better, drinking way more water, sleeping slightly better... kinda... sometimes... and I told people when they hurt me (which was a bonus).
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Selfish by Choice
School started last week but these first two weeks are all sorts of janky. My typical schedule for classes and life will not begin until next Monday but I'm totally okay with that.
I had counseling again yesterday. She told me I'm not strong enough to go over the really hard stuff yet, so we started working on coping strategies... That's solid. I kept losing my mind between last week's session and yesterday but it turns out that the coping techniques I was accidentally using through the week are actually legit coping techniques that are taught in counseling. Walking/sitting outside, warm/cold water, etc. I begin coloring at my next session.
I told my counselor how hard my first OB class was with the birthing videos. I had also nearly started crying during my skills lab for OB because we had to do vaginal exams to check dilation and that is apparently a HUGE trigger for me, along with damn near everything else. With this in mind, I was advised to take a semester off. I told her that is not an option because I want to be done with nursing school and I want to graduate with my friends. Once she realized that I am not going to budge on this, we made a plan for me to start going twice a weeks (in a couple weeks because she is crazy busy with her life too!). Then, we'll spend a lot of time working on coping methods so that I can get through OB and then begin to work on my tough stuff before I graduate and move and she graduates.
I guess we'll see where that gets us.
Exfiance texts me after my sessions asking what we talked about in my session. I normally keep it pretty under wraps when I was with my last counselor and then also with my new one. Yesterday, I was just not having his bullshit at all. He asked what we talked about and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He told me he hates when I keep stuff from him. Well, Fucker, you lost that privalage when you decided to lie to me all the time, disregard my refusal for you to use my body however the hell you felt like using it, and I took it away when I broke up with you. Alright? So no, you do not get to make me feel guilty if you think I might be keeping stuff from you. I am because we are no longer together and you kept everything from me! Don't give me this shit.
So, after not talking with him yesterday, he texted me today to ask if I would "finally tell him why I was mad yesterday." I wasn't mad yesterday, I just didn't want to talk about it with him because it's not of his fucking business. It never should have been because I have trauma that is only my business that he doesn't need to know about. He can support me working through it without forcing me to tell him every damn detail. I told him something along those lines and reminded him of all the lies and information he kept from me and all of the double standards he kept for what I was supposed to do/tell him as opposed to what he did/told me. He didn't like that but I'm learning to stand up for myself. It's starting with him and my family then I will work on my friends. I'm sick of taking shit and I'm so over worrying about everyone else when NOBODY concerns themselves with what I may need/want/etc.
Therefore, I'm working on being intentionally selfish for a season.
I had counseling again yesterday. She told me I'm not strong enough to go over the really hard stuff yet, so we started working on coping strategies... That's solid. I kept losing my mind between last week's session and yesterday but it turns out that the coping techniques I was accidentally using through the week are actually legit coping techniques that are taught in counseling. Walking/sitting outside, warm/cold water, etc. I begin coloring at my next session.
I told my counselor how hard my first OB class was with the birthing videos. I had also nearly started crying during my skills lab for OB because we had to do vaginal exams to check dilation and that is apparently a HUGE trigger for me, along with damn near everything else. With this in mind, I was advised to take a semester off. I told her that is not an option because I want to be done with nursing school and I want to graduate with my friends. Once she realized that I am not going to budge on this, we made a plan for me to start going twice a weeks (in a couple weeks because she is crazy busy with her life too!). Then, we'll spend a lot of time working on coping methods so that I can get through OB and then begin to work on my tough stuff before I graduate and move and she graduates.
I guess we'll see where that gets us.
Exfiance texts me after my sessions asking what we talked about in my session. I normally keep it pretty under wraps when I was with my last counselor and then also with my new one. Yesterday, I was just not having his bullshit at all. He asked what we talked about and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He told me he hates when I keep stuff from him. Well, Fucker, you lost that privalage when you decided to lie to me all the time, disregard my refusal for you to use my body however the hell you felt like using it, and I took it away when I broke up with you. Alright? So no, you do not get to make me feel guilty if you think I might be keeping stuff from you. I am because we are no longer together and you kept everything from me! Don't give me this shit.
So, after not talking with him yesterday, he texted me today to ask if I would "finally tell him why I was mad yesterday." I wasn't mad yesterday, I just didn't want to talk about it with him because it's not of his fucking business. It never should have been because I have trauma that is only my business that he doesn't need to know about. He can support me working through it without forcing me to tell him every damn detail. I told him something along those lines and reminded him of all the lies and information he kept from me and all of the double standards he kept for what I was supposed to do/tell him as opposed to what he did/told me. He didn't like that but I'm learning to stand up for myself. It's starting with him and my family then I will work on my friends. I'm sick of taking shit and I'm so over worrying about everyone else when NOBODY concerns themselves with what I may need/want/etc.
Therefore, I'm working on being intentionally selfish for a season.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Acceptance
Turns out Country Boy was cremated, but then buried. So, when I went right after his death in 2014, I could have visited him. However, they told me he had just gotten cremated and that they were sorry. Whatever, not a huge deal. Exfiance called again because I told him he didn't have a grave. Turns out he does. His ashes were buried near his dad's and the rest of his family that had passed away already.
When I called to see where he was, the lady told me to come into the office when I arrived and she would give me a map. So I went in and got the map. I wondered around in the area he was supposed to be for nearly 20 minutes and couldn't find him. So, I sat at an unmarked plot wondering if he had a headstone because they hadn't gotten one for his dad for about a year after he died because the wife just couldn't handle making it that official. After sitting for another 15 minutes and feeling stupid because my mind was wondering and wondering how they buried couples... I decided I should leave. As I was walking back to my car, I looked down and finally found his headstone.
It wasn't where I was told to go, the map kinda lied. As soon as I saw it my stomach dropped and tears flooded my eyes. I sat at his grave for over an hour thinking about him, his dad, his mom and sister who were now left with no guys from their family. I yelled at him for leaving me and not taking me with him. I told him we could have gone together if he would have taken me for a car ride. I apologized to him for being mean and I apologized because I believe I may have said the last thing that caused him to go over the edge and finally go through with it.
I was supposed to have hung out with him a couple days before he died but I cancelled because my other friends cancelled on me and I was "going out" with Best Friend at the time but didn't want to tell Country Boy. So, when CB asked if I wanted to hang out since I was cancelled on, I said "no thanks". That was it. That was the last time I talked to him and he died a few days later. I know he was struggling with his dad being gone and he seemed to have severe depression. He had moved out of his mom's house because of too many memories of his dad. He moved out to where my uncle and Exboyfriend live (also where exfiance lives, coincidentally enough) with his aunt and uncle because he loved the country. Well, that was it.
I had wanted to text him those few days and I had urges to, but I never did because he usually ignored my texts when I texted first. I don't know if he didn't want to talk to me, he was trying to make it seem like he was busy, or if he really was busy. I spent so many months waiting for him to text me. He would contact me, talk with me for a couple days, then go completely radio silent for several weeks. That was hard for me to live with. I was sick of getting my hopes up and checking my phone every 5 seconds because I was waiting for him to talk to me again. However, I should have texted him those days. I was waiting for his birthday. I found out a week after my 20th birthday and a few days before his that he died. Nobody told me, I just found his obituary online.
I told exfiance (Jacob) that he was not allowed to tell me that being sad that CB died was selfish. I'm allowed to be angry and sad and cry because I am grieving still. It's been almost two years and I still think about him almost every day. I still see him in the faces of a lot of actors and people I run into on a daily basis. I see his truck occasionally and I remember him when I do some of the stuff he used to like to do. Jacob finally told me okay that I'm allowed to cry and I guess he didn't realize I blamed myself (I didn't need his permission but he needs to not tell people how to feel!). I talked with him last night and told him the story at the beginning of this post. I thought I had told him all this but he said he didn't know before that I blamed myself. After that he understood why I'm angry and sad and cry so much. He said I should be understanding about why the kid killed himself, but I told him that I'm going to feel how I feel. I understand he was going through rough stuff and had depression before but it was getting worse now that his dad had died unexpectedly, but I'm sure there was much more going on. I'm not apologizing for that anymore and I'm not pushing it away so that I can be strong for other people. Now it's my time to sort out my head because there is too much all mixed up in there right now.
The hour I spent at CB's grave was good. It was healing. I felt stuff that I haven't felt in a long time and I was able to cry. I don't know why, but I've been needing to very for a long time but the tears won't come. I feel so numb and just there but not present. It's weird to me to want to cry and also weird that I cannot. Yesterday I did. I yelled and apologized and just sat in remembrance. I also said sorry for not coming sooner. Someone left a cigarette on his grave. It was unlit so I know it was on purpose. I know he wouldn't want flowers so a cigarette made a lot of sense. He wasn't even 20 yet. I have a feeling I'll probably go there a lot in the next few months when I need a place to think. I used to drive up into the woods and think of him often, but it somehow feels better to imagine him being there and able to hear me.
I had this thought about a song I haven't heard since I was a child. Since I was so little, I knew it was a sad song but I never understood it. At the grave I just had "Whiskey Lullaby" playing over and over in my head. Why is it helping me feel better? I have no clue. I have played it nearly a hundred times since the visit and it helps me more and more each time.
I don't know why I keep getting songs popping up in my head. I don't know if the L-rd is putting them there or if my brain is making connections or spazzing out or what. But these songs are helping me little by little.
When I called to see where he was, the lady told me to come into the office when I arrived and she would give me a map. So I went in and got the map. I wondered around in the area he was supposed to be for nearly 20 minutes and couldn't find him. So, I sat at an unmarked plot wondering if he had a headstone because they hadn't gotten one for his dad for about a year after he died because the wife just couldn't handle making it that official. After sitting for another 15 minutes and feeling stupid because my mind was wondering and wondering how they buried couples... I decided I should leave. As I was walking back to my car, I looked down and finally found his headstone.
It wasn't where I was told to go, the map kinda lied. As soon as I saw it my stomach dropped and tears flooded my eyes. I sat at his grave for over an hour thinking about him, his dad, his mom and sister who were now left with no guys from their family. I yelled at him for leaving me and not taking me with him. I told him we could have gone together if he would have taken me for a car ride. I apologized to him for being mean and I apologized because I believe I may have said the last thing that caused him to go over the edge and finally go through with it.
I was supposed to have hung out with him a couple days before he died but I cancelled because my other friends cancelled on me and I was "going out" with Best Friend at the time but didn't want to tell Country Boy. So, when CB asked if I wanted to hang out since I was cancelled on, I said "no thanks". That was it. That was the last time I talked to him and he died a few days later. I know he was struggling with his dad being gone and he seemed to have severe depression. He had moved out of his mom's house because of too many memories of his dad. He moved out to where my uncle and Exboyfriend live (also where exfiance lives, coincidentally enough) with his aunt and uncle because he loved the country. Well, that was it.
I had wanted to text him those few days and I had urges to, but I never did because he usually ignored my texts when I texted first. I don't know if he didn't want to talk to me, he was trying to make it seem like he was busy, or if he really was busy. I spent so many months waiting for him to text me. He would contact me, talk with me for a couple days, then go completely radio silent for several weeks. That was hard for me to live with. I was sick of getting my hopes up and checking my phone every 5 seconds because I was waiting for him to talk to me again. However, I should have texted him those days. I was waiting for his birthday. I found out a week after my 20th birthday and a few days before his that he died. Nobody told me, I just found his obituary online.
I told exfiance (Jacob) that he was not allowed to tell me that being sad that CB died was selfish. I'm allowed to be angry and sad and cry because I am grieving still. It's been almost two years and I still think about him almost every day. I still see him in the faces of a lot of actors and people I run into on a daily basis. I see his truck occasionally and I remember him when I do some of the stuff he used to like to do. Jacob finally told me okay that I'm allowed to cry and I guess he didn't realize I blamed myself (I didn't need his permission but he needs to not tell people how to feel!). I talked with him last night and told him the story at the beginning of this post. I thought I had told him all this but he said he didn't know before that I blamed myself. After that he understood why I'm angry and sad and cry so much. He said I should be understanding about why the kid killed himself, but I told him that I'm going to feel how I feel. I understand he was going through rough stuff and had depression before but it was getting worse now that his dad had died unexpectedly, but I'm sure there was much more going on. I'm not apologizing for that anymore and I'm not pushing it away so that I can be strong for other people. Now it's my time to sort out my head because there is too much all mixed up in there right now.
The hour I spent at CB's grave was good. It was healing. I felt stuff that I haven't felt in a long time and I was able to cry. I don't know why, but I've been needing to very for a long time but the tears won't come. I feel so numb and just there but not present. It's weird to me to want to cry and also weird that I cannot. Yesterday I did. I yelled and apologized and just sat in remembrance. I also said sorry for not coming sooner. Someone left a cigarette on his grave. It was unlit so I know it was on purpose. I know he wouldn't want flowers so a cigarette made a lot of sense. He wasn't even 20 yet. I have a feeling I'll probably go there a lot in the next few months when I need a place to think. I used to drive up into the woods and think of him often, but it somehow feels better to imagine him being there and able to hear me.
I had this thought about a song I haven't heard since I was a child. Since I was so little, I knew it was a sad song but I never understood it. At the grave I just had "Whiskey Lullaby" playing over and over in my head. Why is it helping me feel better? I have no clue. I have played it nearly a hundred times since the visit and it helps me more and more each time.
"Whiskey Lullaby"
She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night
[1st Chorus]
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
(Sing lullaby)
The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night
[2nd Chorus]
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night
[1st Chorus]
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
(Sing lullaby)
The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night
[2nd Chorus]
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby
I don't know why I keep getting songs popping up in my head. I don't know if the L-rd is putting them there or if my brain is making connections or spazzing out or what. But these songs are helping me little by little.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Rebound
As you guys know, exfiance and I still talk. Since that's kind of a long name, let's call him Jacob (no, that's not his actual name). Yesterday, he went to counseling because we had a bet, he lost it, and his forfeit was to go to counseling. I believe he needed to go when he was a child but he just never did. He had trauma growing up, similar to what happened to me but also vastly different. Regardless, trauma needs counseling most of the time and he certainly does.
I guess he and his counselor talked about me and why the two of us broke up. Jacob ended up calling me last night and telling me that he believes I was never really "in love" with him because he was just a rebound and distraction from my first rape. It has occurred to me that he may have been a rebound, but I had feelings for him. However, when he continually lied to me, that's when the love dwindled away because I had been loving him for the lies, not for him actually showing me his past scars. I think he may have started as a rebound, but I developed true love for him. Having him tell me he didn't think I ever loved him hurt. It hurt a lot.
While we were going out, there were times that he would compare me to his dead wife. He would say she was pretty, but I think you're prettier. Or he would tell me what she did to calm him down or what she did that he liked. Little things they developed like a counting game with squeezing each other's hands just to let the other one know they were there and thinking about them regardless of whether they were driving, fighting, whatever. At one point, he told me he loved me probably more than his wife. I didn't think much of it and I highly doubted it, but it stuck in my mind. Last night, he told me he didn't love me nearly as much as he had loved his wife. He covered it up by saying they grew up together, knew each other for way longer, and went through much more together than he and I had. Okay, this makes sense, I guess but it hurt to hear it. I mean, who says that? I would suspect he would love her more, but you don't say that to someone! Especially someone who is barely surviving and doesn't feel loved by anyone right now, especially friends or guys.
We keep talking and venting about our counseling sessions. I don't know why, but we do. In fact, we're having deeper conversations than we did when we were dating. It's really frustrating, actually. Anywho, he asked how I have been doing. I told him the following story:
Yesterday, I started my OB class and I have been excited about this class since I started college! I absolutely love watching births and seeing pregnant women and babies and everything that has to do with moms and babies. We started watching a birth in class (a video) and my eyes started tearing up. These weren't happy tears at a baby being born, these were tears of pain because the woman had her feet in stirrups and it reminded me of my SANE exam.
The next birth video was in a birthing center and my eyes teared up again and they almost spilled over. The video ended and I watched the wall for most of it because I was on the verge of sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I was hyperventilating, my heart was pounding, I was sad that I don't believe I will ever have babies, and I'm disappointed I was having so many troubles in a class that I have so been looking forward to forever! I want to be a midwife for goodness sake!!!
Whew, so that video ended and I kinda kept my composure. Lecture continued and we watched a third video towards the end. This was a water birth at home. About a minute into the video, my eye were filled with tears, I was having all the symptoms that I had in the second video and the tears started spilling. I jumped from my seat (which was in the back right next to the door, thank the L-rd) and I nearly ran to the bathroom. I got in there and there were other people. I washed my hands to make it seem like I was okay, but I absolutely wasn't. Then, all of a sudden, Beauty comes walking out of a stall. I dried my hands, looked up and said "hey! it's you!" The concern on her face was evident, she asked if I was okay. I said I was fine, booked it out of that bathroom and speed walked to the bathroom in the back of the building. Oh my goodness, I lost it! I was in a stall, sitting on the toilet, trying to keep my sobs as silent as possible and cried for about 5 minutes. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking, I was losing my mind and it was terrifying! I waited for the other girls to leave, emmerged from my sanctuary and washed my hands, splashed cold water on my face a few times, and composed myself enough to go back to class. I zoned out for the rest of class just so that my body could sit there to keep my friends from wondering if I was okay.
On the phone with Jacob (exfiance) later that night, I explained all of this to him. He was kinda sweet about it and the most important thing is he listens to my rambling about my lack of coping with life right now. He asked me a few questions and we got to a point where I was explaining that I haven't been sleeping more than a couple hours each night because I can't fall asleep and I keep having flashbacks about him, exboyfriend and Country Boy. We discussed Country Boy's suicide and Jacob told me that I shouldn't be sad about him committing suicide. He said that me being sad and crying about it is selfish. I know it's selfish, but at the same time I need to be able to cope with what happened because it affected me terribly. You don't tell people not to cry or be sad if something happened in their life or they had a friend/family member die! You just don't do that!!! I ended up getting really mad, but Jacob just kept talking and I kept crying.
He ended by reverting to saying that I never loved him. He said he's not mad because he knows I have been in "survival mode" (according to my counselor because of the severe PTSD). He says he's proud of me for getting good grades and continuing with school even though my brain isn't functioning properly and barely surviving right now. He told me he thinks I'm a "badass bitch" because I keep on going even though most people would be staying in bed all the time and they would have given up a long time ago. He's proud of me for not killing myself and for not cutting in a few weeks. He says he's proud of me for getting help and for dealing with all of the troubles in my life without telling people about them.
I think that's one of the hardest things to do. If you have a broken leg or some reason to get surgery, people understand you taking time to recover and build yourself back up. They usually respect your privacy and the fact you need space. They are also more likely to want to help you with food, cleaning, groceries, etc because they know you may need help. The thing with rape is, you can't tell everyone. Well, you could, but it's likely to cause you more problems than it is to help you at all. I have chosen to tell a couple friends for support, but the vast majority of the people in my life (most of my friends, bosses, professors/instructors, patients, extended family, and even my dad) have no idea what's wrong with me. They see that I'm changing, withdrawing, sad, grumpy, and all around not being myself, but they don't know why. So, they tell me to suck it up and then get angry when they are not top priority on my list. But what am I supposed to do? I was burned out with all of the needy people in my life before any of this bad stuff happened. What am I supposed to do now that it is all I can do to wake up in the morning and consider getting out of bed?
We went on to talk about one of Jacob's friends from back in the day passing away this week. He tarted talking about a bunch of other friends that had died through his life, including his "father figure" who he really looked up to. Turns out, the father figure guy had a nephew that had committed suicide about the same time Country Boy did. They both also had the same name. We realized this all for the first time last night. Jacob had helped his father figure get the kid down from his noose once he was found. So Jacob asked for a picture of Country Boy to see if it was the same kid. He was freaking out last night saying it was so creepy and weirding him out that my friend that died might have been the same guy that he helped get down after the other kid's suicide. After I sent him the picture today, he said they weren't the same kid. It's a little bit of a relief.
Jacob also found out that Country Boy ended up being buried. About a month after he had died, I went to the place where his funeral was held (after clinical that day and I was in my whites), but they told me he had been cremated. Well, turns out Jacob called the funeral home and he was told Country Boy had been buried there. Okay, looks like I'm going there to see his grave tomorrow.
Jacob and I closed the conversation with him saying he'd pray that I would be able to sleep at a decent time last night. He called back like 2 minutes later saying: "Hey, I know this is going to sound weird, these aren't my words and I don't know what I'm saying, but do you remember the guy that you told me about? You know, the one that Satan made a bet with G-d that the guy wouldn't stay good, so G-d allowed him to be tested by Satan just to see if he would stay good?"
Me: "Job?"
Him: "Yeah! Well, while I was praying, I got this feeling that you are that guy. You are being tested. Now, this is going to sound really weird and I don't understand the words, but you are supposed to stand fast with your religion. Don't give up and keep doing what you're doing"
Me: "Okay, I'll try to keep my faith."
That was it. He doesn't talk like that ever. He's been reading a devotional book he got from me based off of the Love Dare book, but it's the year-long one. It still has challenges each week, but it also has a lesson and verse for each day. I'm surprised he's still doing it. I'm even more surprised he's gone to counseling and says he's going to keep going. We'll see. I don't foresee us getting back together, ever. I feel like the L-rd told me that he will change, but I won't see the fruits of this (my) labor but the story ends well for him. I hope it ends well for me too, but I guess we'll see.
Well, y'all keep on keepin' on. Stick with the faith and know that the L-rd is working, even if you feel like your whole life is going up in smoke. G-d is working on a billion things for every one thing He lets you have a glimpse of. I believe that's true for me too. Blessings guys.
P.S.
His prayer, along with mine, actually worked. Maybe it was psychological, but I think the L-rd helped me a lot. I fell asleep within about 10 minutes of hanging up from the second phone call.
I guess he and his counselor talked about me and why the two of us broke up. Jacob ended up calling me last night and telling me that he believes I was never really "in love" with him because he was just a rebound and distraction from my first rape. It has occurred to me that he may have been a rebound, but I had feelings for him. However, when he continually lied to me, that's when the love dwindled away because I had been loving him for the lies, not for him actually showing me his past scars. I think he may have started as a rebound, but I developed true love for him. Having him tell me he didn't think I ever loved him hurt. It hurt a lot.
While we were going out, there were times that he would compare me to his dead wife. He would say she was pretty, but I think you're prettier. Or he would tell me what she did to calm him down or what she did that he liked. Little things they developed like a counting game with squeezing each other's hands just to let the other one know they were there and thinking about them regardless of whether they were driving, fighting, whatever. At one point, he told me he loved me probably more than his wife. I didn't think much of it and I highly doubted it, but it stuck in my mind. Last night, he told me he didn't love me nearly as much as he had loved his wife. He covered it up by saying they grew up together, knew each other for way longer, and went through much more together than he and I had. Okay, this makes sense, I guess but it hurt to hear it. I mean, who says that? I would suspect he would love her more, but you don't say that to someone! Especially someone who is barely surviving and doesn't feel loved by anyone right now, especially friends or guys.
We keep talking and venting about our counseling sessions. I don't know why, but we do. In fact, we're having deeper conversations than we did when we were dating. It's really frustrating, actually. Anywho, he asked how I have been doing. I told him the following story:
Yesterday, I started my OB class and I have been excited about this class since I started college! I absolutely love watching births and seeing pregnant women and babies and everything that has to do with moms and babies. We started watching a birth in class (a video) and my eyes started tearing up. These weren't happy tears at a baby being born, these were tears of pain because the woman had her feet in stirrups and it reminded me of my SANE exam.
The next birth video was in a birthing center and my eyes teared up again and they almost spilled over. The video ended and I watched the wall for most of it because I was on the verge of sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I was hyperventilating, my heart was pounding, I was sad that I don't believe I will ever have babies, and I'm disappointed I was having so many troubles in a class that I have so been looking forward to forever! I want to be a midwife for goodness sake!!!
Whew, so that video ended and I kinda kept my composure. Lecture continued and we watched a third video towards the end. This was a water birth at home. About a minute into the video, my eye were filled with tears, I was having all the symptoms that I had in the second video and the tears started spilling. I jumped from my seat (which was in the back right next to the door, thank the L-rd) and I nearly ran to the bathroom. I got in there and there were other people. I washed my hands to make it seem like I was okay, but I absolutely wasn't. Then, all of a sudden, Beauty comes walking out of a stall. I dried my hands, looked up and said "hey! it's you!" The concern on her face was evident, she asked if I was okay. I said I was fine, booked it out of that bathroom and speed walked to the bathroom in the back of the building. Oh my goodness, I lost it! I was in a stall, sitting on the toilet, trying to keep my sobs as silent as possible and cried for about 5 minutes. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking, I was losing my mind and it was terrifying! I waited for the other girls to leave, emmerged from my sanctuary and washed my hands, splashed cold water on my face a few times, and composed myself enough to go back to class. I zoned out for the rest of class just so that my body could sit there to keep my friends from wondering if I was okay.
On the phone with Jacob (exfiance) later that night, I explained all of this to him. He was kinda sweet about it and the most important thing is he listens to my rambling about my lack of coping with life right now. He asked me a few questions and we got to a point where I was explaining that I haven't been sleeping more than a couple hours each night because I can't fall asleep and I keep having flashbacks about him, exboyfriend and Country Boy. We discussed Country Boy's suicide and Jacob told me that I shouldn't be sad about him committing suicide. He said that me being sad and crying about it is selfish. I know it's selfish, but at the same time I need to be able to cope with what happened because it affected me terribly. You don't tell people not to cry or be sad if something happened in their life or they had a friend/family member die! You just don't do that!!! I ended up getting really mad, but Jacob just kept talking and I kept crying.
He ended by reverting to saying that I never loved him. He said he's not mad because he knows I have been in "survival mode" (according to my counselor because of the severe PTSD). He says he's proud of me for getting good grades and continuing with school even though my brain isn't functioning properly and barely surviving right now. He told me he thinks I'm a "badass bitch" because I keep on going even though most people would be staying in bed all the time and they would have given up a long time ago. He's proud of me for not killing myself and for not cutting in a few weeks. He says he's proud of me for getting help and for dealing with all of the troubles in my life without telling people about them.
I think that's one of the hardest things to do. If you have a broken leg or some reason to get surgery, people understand you taking time to recover and build yourself back up. They usually respect your privacy and the fact you need space. They are also more likely to want to help you with food, cleaning, groceries, etc because they know you may need help. The thing with rape is, you can't tell everyone. Well, you could, but it's likely to cause you more problems than it is to help you at all. I have chosen to tell a couple friends for support, but the vast majority of the people in my life (most of my friends, bosses, professors/instructors, patients, extended family, and even my dad) have no idea what's wrong with me. They see that I'm changing, withdrawing, sad, grumpy, and all around not being myself, but they don't know why. So, they tell me to suck it up and then get angry when they are not top priority on my list. But what am I supposed to do? I was burned out with all of the needy people in my life before any of this bad stuff happened. What am I supposed to do now that it is all I can do to wake up in the morning and consider getting out of bed?
We went on to talk about one of Jacob's friends from back in the day passing away this week. He tarted talking about a bunch of other friends that had died through his life, including his "father figure" who he really looked up to. Turns out, the father figure guy had a nephew that had committed suicide about the same time Country Boy did. They both also had the same name. We realized this all for the first time last night. Jacob had helped his father figure get the kid down from his noose once he was found. So Jacob asked for a picture of Country Boy to see if it was the same kid. He was freaking out last night saying it was so creepy and weirding him out that my friend that died might have been the same guy that he helped get down after the other kid's suicide. After I sent him the picture today, he said they weren't the same kid. It's a little bit of a relief.
Jacob also found out that Country Boy ended up being buried. About a month after he had died, I went to the place where his funeral was held (after clinical that day and I was in my whites), but they told me he had been cremated. Well, turns out Jacob called the funeral home and he was told Country Boy had been buried there. Okay, looks like I'm going there to see his grave tomorrow.
Jacob and I closed the conversation with him saying he'd pray that I would be able to sleep at a decent time last night. He called back like 2 minutes later saying: "Hey, I know this is going to sound weird, these aren't my words and I don't know what I'm saying, but do you remember the guy that you told me about? You know, the one that Satan made a bet with G-d that the guy wouldn't stay good, so G-d allowed him to be tested by Satan just to see if he would stay good?"
Me: "Job?"
Him: "Yeah! Well, while I was praying, I got this feeling that you are that guy. You are being tested. Now, this is going to sound really weird and I don't understand the words, but you are supposed to stand fast with your religion. Don't give up and keep doing what you're doing"
Me: "Okay, I'll try to keep my faith."
That was it. He doesn't talk like that ever. He's been reading a devotional book he got from me based off of the Love Dare book, but it's the year-long one. It still has challenges each week, but it also has a lesson and verse for each day. I'm surprised he's still doing it. I'm even more surprised he's gone to counseling and says he's going to keep going. We'll see. I don't foresee us getting back together, ever. I feel like the L-rd told me that he will change, but I won't see the fruits of this (my) labor but the story ends well for him. I hope it ends well for me too, but I guess we'll see.
Well, y'all keep on keepin' on. Stick with the faith and know that the L-rd is working, even if you feel like your whole life is going up in smoke. G-d is working on a billion things for every one thing He lets you have a glimpse of. I believe that's true for me too. Blessings guys.
P.S.
His prayer, along with mine, actually worked. Maybe it was psychological, but I think the L-rd helped me a lot. I fell asleep within about 10 minutes of hanging up from the second phone call.
Shameful Secrets
I regret to inform you guys that I like a Justin Bieber song... I swear, I listen to country and christian most times but I was hanging out at my Brother's job and he put on a song called "Love Yourself". I fell in love with the song because it's a decent message and reminded me of the break up with exfiance. I asked Brother who it was by and he dropped the news like the world was ending because he knew I would be upset by it. Regardless, it's a pretty solid song and I've listened to it about 900 times today.
I was helping Roomie cook supper and started playing it. When I play it then I feel the need to sing or hum along. I thought I was really being quiet but she said I have a good singing voice and it made me so happy! She teaches piano, knows how to sing on key (which I absolutely do not) and she learned guitar but doesn't like it because it hurts her fingers. I happen to like calluses on my fingers and so I'm still aspiring to learn piano and guitar and then maybe convince myself to get some singing lessons with someone... someday?... maybe...
I am happy today. It's been a really long time since I've been just okay and today I got the feeling back. I was supposed to be doing homework but my friend is a foster mom for a 10 week-old black lab puppy so I may have dropped by her house to assist in the foster parenting of the little guy. Oh my goodness, oxytocin overload! And it is absolutely wonderful. Oh, the friend is Big Red.
Big Red is really good at keeping her boundaries (which are very different from mine). She is great at speaking her mind, communicating, and also knowing how to say things so that they are clear but not really hard for the other person to accept. So, I had her ready the messages between the friend that was being not nice to me. Actually, let's name her because I keep talking about her. Ummm, let's call her Jersey.
Okay, so, Jersey is the friend who "yelled" at me in person and over text after the first day of class because Beauty and I went to the mall. I told you guys about the whole falling out/me finally standing up for myself thing that went down yesterday. As it goes with most drama in girl circles, as I am finding out recently, drama between two friends quickly gets discussed with all members of the group by al parties involved directly. From there, the outlying friends that get a take on the drama from the parties involved then attempt to play middle-man to decrease drama and attempt to save friendships. So, Beauty is trying to get Jersey to calm down and she is trying to tell me that Jersey is upset because I didn't tell her that yelling at me is okay when she "apologized". Side note, it's not an apology if you say "sorry, but..." I thought that would be common sense, but apologies aren't really something that people do anymore. I do, but I belong in the 1800's.
Anyway, Big Red read all of the messages to and from Jersey and I. I told her to be honest if I was being unreasonable, mean, a bitch, etc. I trust Big Red to be straight with me because she always is. She doesn't beat around the bush or candy coat it. She also has no problem calling people out when they are being weird or mean or anything.
After reading everything, she told me that I was okay and I worded my side tastefully, reasonably, and kindly. She told me Jersey is over-reacting and she supports my decision to cut Jersey from my immediate friend group. I'll still be nice to her and sit near her in class. Hell, I'll even invite her to stuff when I invite all of our friends. However, I will no longer be making a huge effort to make it to her events, nor will I be sharing any type of personal information with her anymore. You also better believe I'm deleting her off of Facebook once I graduate and move away. She is someone who gets a kick out of Facebook stalking others and I am not okay with that. I don't really share anything on there anyway, but she has a knack of reading into what is posted or liked and then she makes up stories that she believes as fact and she begins rumors and troubles...
So, I am happy today.
Exfiance hasn't messaged me today. He hasn't spoken to me since yesterday morning, in fact. Maybe he finally got the message that we're not getting back together and I'm sick of playing his games? The other part of me is scared he would commit suicide just to get back at me. I'm terrified that I would have to live with his blood on my head. I'm almost certain I couldn't handle another suicide being my fault.
That does honestly terrify me. However, I'm still happy today. I'm making boundaries, enforcing them, and liberating myself.
...but then there's Bieber and I am not coping with liking his song very well... it'll be okay guys, this is just a phase and it's just one song. Right? I hope!!!
I was helping Roomie cook supper and started playing it. When I play it then I feel the need to sing or hum along. I thought I was really being quiet but she said I have a good singing voice and it made me so happy! She teaches piano, knows how to sing on key (which I absolutely do not) and she learned guitar but doesn't like it because it hurts her fingers. I happen to like calluses on my fingers and so I'm still aspiring to learn piano and guitar and then maybe convince myself to get some singing lessons with someone... someday?... maybe...
I am happy today. It's been a really long time since I've been just okay and today I got the feeling back. I was supposed to be doing homework but my friend is a foster mom for a 10 week-old black lab puppy so I may have dropped by her house to assist in the foster parenting of the little guy. Oh my goodness, oxytocin overload! And it is absolutely wonderful. Oh, the friend is Big Red.
Big Red is really good at keeping her boundaries (which are very different from mine). She is great at speaking her mind, communicating, and also knowing how to say things so that they are clear but not really hard for the other person to accept. So, I had her ready the messages between the friend that was being not nice to me. Actually, let's name her because I keep talking about her. Ummm, let's call her Jersey.
Okay, so, Jersey is the friend who "yelled" at me in person and over text after the first day of class because Beauty and I went to the mall. I told you guys about the whole falling out/me finally standing up for myself thing that went down yesterday. As it goes with most drama in girl circles, as I am finding out recently, drama between two friends quickly gets discussed with all members of the group by al parties involved directly. From there, the outlying friends that get a take on the drama from the parties involved then attempt to play middle-man to decrease drama and attempt to save friendships. So, Beauty is trying to get Jersey to calm down and she is trying to tell me that Jersey is upset because I didn't tell her that yelling at me is okay when she "apologized". Side note, it's not an apology if you say "sorry, but..." I thought that would be common sense, but apologies aren't really something that people do anymore. I do, but I belong in the 1800's.
Anyway, Big Red read all of the messages to and from Jersey and I. I told her to be honest if I was being unreasonable, mean, a bitch, etc. I trust Big Red to be straight with me because she always is. She doesn't beat around the bush or candy coat it. She also has no problem calling people out when they are being weird or mean or anything.
After reading everything, she told me that I was okay and I worded my side tastefully, reasonably, and kindly. She told me Jersey is over-reacting and she supports my decision to cut Jersey from my immediate friend group. I'll still be nice to her and sit near her in class. Hell, I'll even invite her to stuff when I invite all of our friends. However, I will no longer be making a huge effort to make it to her events, nor will I be sharing any type of personal information with her anymore. You also better believe I'm deleting her off of Facebook once I graduate and move away. She is someone who gets a kick out of Facebook stalking others and I am not okay with that. I don't really share anything on there anyway, but she has a knack of reading into what is posted or liked and then she makes up stories that she believes as fact and she begins rumors and troubles...
So, I am happy today.
Exfiance hasn't messaged me today. He hasn't spoken to me since yesterday morning, in fact. Maybe he finally got the message that we're not getting back together and I'm sick of playing his games? The other part of me is scared he would commit suicide just to get back at me. I'm terrified that I would have to live with his blood on my head. I'm almost certain I couldn't handle another suicide being my fault.
That does honestly terrify me. However, I'm still happy today. I'm making boundaries, enforcing them, and liberating myself.
...but then there's Bieber and I am not coping with liking his song very well... it'll be okay guys, this is just a phase and it's just one song. Right? I hope!!!
"Love Yourself"
(Justin Bieber)
For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh girl for goodness sake
You think I'm crying, oh my oh, well I ain't
And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
But when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
And tried to make me forget where I came from
And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
For all the times that you've made me feel small
I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all
Had never felt so low when I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh girl for goodness sake
You think I'm crying, oh my oh, well I ain't
And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
But when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
And tried to make me forget where I came from
And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
For all the times that you've made me feel small
I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all
Had never felt so low when I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
All Complaints
Guys, it feels like I just complain on here a lot. I'm terribly sorry. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to even think about reading all of my posts that talk about pretty much the same thing each time.
With that said, I need to vent terribly.
Today, I got "yelled" at by a friend because she feels she is neglected. I went to the mall with Beauty after counseling yesterday because I needed to be around someone who knew my whole story. Well, some of it. This friend, we'll call her Jersey, heard about it and became extremely jealous. She started making snide comments to me after class, in a very passive aggressive turning straight up aggressive manner after class today.
Jersey knows the part of the story where I broke up with Exboyfriend because he raped me. She doesn't understand how bad it was, but I spilled it to her one day when I had been drinking at her house. In fact, Exfiance was there. Haha, that's kinda funny in a twisted way that doesn't make sense if I think about it in any kid of a logical sense.
Anyway, she is angry at Beauty and I because she feels like she plans everything and when Beauty or I plan anything she thinks she's not invited. Thing is, I don't do much. I go to Jersey's parties or get togethers when I can because I want to support her. Beauty and I don't plan things, we just spontaneously get together if one of us is having a bad day, we're bored, or we need help. That's it.
Jersey yelled at me after class for about 10 minutes. I tried to explain myself and she wasn't having any of it. Then she continued to yell at me over about 8 texts. I kept wanting to write pages and pages worth of stuff to explain myself to her, but I decided sweet responses would be better. No. Nothing will be better for her. I said sorry, even though it's not my fault and I invite her to whatever happens to occur in my life. She yelled at me for not being able to go to her birthday and then again for not going to the second attempt at her birthday. I don't know what I did or had going on, but maybe I'm just a flake. I don't know! I don't even know when the hell her birthday is!
I can tell you I'm sick of taking shit from others. You're mad that friends aren't hanging out with you all the time? Okay, then go fucking fix it! Go find new friends! Ask your friends out! Do something about it! I am not taking this bullshit anymore. It takes everything within me to wake up and get out of bed, especially to go to class or eat; I'm not super concerned with ensuring that all of my friends have a fulfilled social life. That's not my fucking job.
She doesn't give a shit that other people have things going on in their life. She doesn't care that my main goal right now is just to survive and not take the bottle of pills that tempts me each night, or take the razor to my skin to calm my mind down for 5 second. She doesn't understand what it's like to not sleep for weeks because of the insomnia and nightmares. She doesn't get what it's like to avoid over half of the city that I live in and take extra long routes to get places, just so that I can prevent panic attacks and severe flashbacks. SHE DOESN'T FUCKING GET IT! NOR DOES SHE CARE. Why is this? It's because she's mad she doesn't get to hang out with us all of the time.
Before class started, she invited me to her house to watch football (American football) this weekend. I told her I would think about it but why the hell would I go after she just went off on me for shit that's not my fault? Honestly, what was she thinking? I invite her to things when I do them. I understand feeling burnt out because you feel like you're the one doing all the planning. Hell, I felt like that when we first met. I made all sorts of plans the first two and a half years of nursing school. She even flaked on a lot of them by backing out last minute. Now, for the past year, she feels like she's the only one making plans. She's the only one with a house, but it's a 30 minute drive for anyone to be able to get there. There's always drama and still I go whenever I can to support her. Do the plans I made get brought up? Does she understand I'm one of 2-3 people that actually goes to her stuff? Does she consider that other people have their lives imploding in around them? No. No to all of these points.
I'm over it. I swear, if she tries to start yelling at me again I will have it out with her. She needs to understand I don't have time to be dealing with crap from anyone else, but I seem to be the one everyone chooses to dump on. I'm sick of taking shit from Brother, Dad, Mom, exroommate and her mother, exboyfriend, exfiance, and the billion other people that seem to see the "kick me" sign on my ass that I am apparently blind to. You fuck with me? You're gonna get the horns because I am absolutely tired of everyone assuming they can treat me this way. She may be the first one I go off on but you better believe this is just the beginning. I'm so over it.
With that said, I need to vent terribly.
Today, I got "yelled" at by a friend because she feels she is neglected. I went to the mall with Beauty after counseling yesterday because I needed to be around someone who knew my whole story. Well, some of it. This friend, we'll call her Jersey, heard about it and became extremely jealous. She started making snide comments to me after class, in a very passive aggressive turning straight up aggressive manner after class today.
Jersey knows the part of the story where I broke up with Exboyfriend because he raped me. She doesn't understand how bad it was, but I spilled it to her one day when I had been drinking at her house. In fact, Exfiance was there. Haha, that's kinda funny in a twisted way that doesn't make sense if I think about it in any kid of a logical sense.
Anyway, she is angry at Beauty and I because she feels like she plans everything and when Beauty or I plan anything she thinks she's not invited. Thing is, I don't do much. I go to Jersey's parties or get togethers when I can because I want to support her. Beauty and I don't plan things, we just spontaneously get together if one of us is having a bad day, we're bored, or we need help. That's it.
Jersey yelled at me after class for about 10 minutes. I tried to explain myself and she wasn't having any of it. Then she continued to yell at me over about 8 texts. I kept wanting to write pages and pages worth of stuff to explain myself to her, but I decided sweet responses would be better. No. Nothing will be better for her. I said sorry, even though it's not my fault and I invite her to whatever happens to occur in my life. She yelled at me for not being able to go to her birthday and then again for not going to the second attempt at her birthday. I don't know what I did or had going on, but maybe I'm just a flake. I don't know! I don't even know when the hell her birthday is!
I can tell you I'm sick of taking shit from others. You're mad that friends aren't hanging out with you all the time? Okay, then go fucking fix it! Go find new friends! Ask your friends out! Do something about it! I am not taking this bullshit anymore. It takes everything within me to wake up and get out of bed, especially to go to class or eat; I'm not super concerned with ensuring that all of my friends have a fulfilled social life. That's not my fucking job.
She doesn't give a shit that other people have things going on in their life. She doesn't care that my main goal right now is just to survive and not take the bottle of pills that tempts me each night, or take the razor to my skin to calm my mind down for 5 second. She doesn't understand what it's like to not sleep for weeks because of the insomnia and nightmares. She doesn't get what it's like to avoid over half of the city that I live in and take extra long routes to get places, just so that I can prevent panic attacks and severe flashbacks. SHE DOESN'T FUCKING GET IT! NOR DOES SHE CARE. Why is this? It's because she's mad she doesn't get to hang out with us all of the time.
Before class started, she invited me to her house to watch football (American football) this weekend. I told her I would think about it but why the hell would I go after she just went off on me for shit that's not my fault? Honestly, what was she thinking? I invite her to things when I do them. I understand feeling burnt out because you feel like you're the one doing all the planning. Hell, I felt like that when we first met. I made all sorts of plans the first two and a half years of nursing school. She even flaked on a lot of them by backing out last minute. Now, for the past year, she feels like she's the only one making plans. She's the only one with a house, but it's a 30 minute drive for anyone to be able to get there. There's always drama and still I go whenever I can to support her. Do the plans I made get brought up? Does she understand I'm one of 2-3 people that actually goes to her stuff? Does she consider that other people have their lives imploding in around them? No. No to all of these points.
I'm over it. I swear, if she tries to start yelling at me again I will have it out with her. She needs to understand I don't have time to be dealing with crap from anyone else, but I seem to be the one everyone chooses to dump on. I'm sick of taking shit from Brother, Dad, Mom, exroommate and her mother, exboyfriend, exfiance, and the billion other people that seem to see the "kick me" sign on my ass that I am apparently blind to. You fuck with me? You're gonna get the horns because I am absolutely tired of everyone assuming they can treat me this way. She may be the first one I go off on but you better believe this is just the beginning. I'm so over it.
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