Chicago

I recently got the opportunity to go with Big Red (a very petite little redhead) and Beauty to Chicago. They are friends from nursing school that have now moved away from College Town and we decided to go be adventurous.

For those that may/may not know, I love the Divergent series and the Hunger Games series. These movies had just released their first movies when I was newly going through the after effects of my first sexual assault from exboyfriend and the problems following Country Boy's suicide.

At first, I could not handle these movies. They are intense. Divergent has a scene where Tris is attacked by 3 guys who attempt to throw her into this cavern to her death. Tris also experiences the aftermath of a friend committing suicide.

After a couple of tries of watching the movies (yes, it took me multiple times of watching a few minutes at a time before I could get through the movies. However, once I got through them, I began to watch them over and over. I felt comforted by them, but could not peg why such dark movies meant so much to me and were able to comfort me so well.

After months and months of thinking about it, I came to this conclusion: I felt like Tris and Katniss.

They were experiencing constant war; I was fighting an epic battle of my own. They were outcasts with something to fight for; I too felt like an outcast with things to do in my life and something to fight for. They experienced much heartache, trauma, and flashbacks; sound familiar to anything I have written about? These young women survived, against all odds, terrible circumstances. I survived a friend's suicide, multiple sexual assaults/rapes, self harm, suicide attempts, domestic violence, loss of friends, college (against all odds, and nursing school was difficult without the addition of my PTSD), and yet I continued on.

When Big Red first suggested taking a trip, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to spend the money and go be triggered for a solid 4 days with no relief (as I knew would happen). I didn't want to do anything. It was proposed in one of my seasons of depression and exhaustion. Working two jobs, navigating the ups and downs associated with getting into counseling again, and struggling with friendships that had had their ups and downs that I still haven't fully healed from.

Eventually I agreed to go. One night I got this sudden wander lust and one of my bucket list destinations just so happened to be Chicago. Big Red had suggested 2 places and I immediately jumped on the "Chicago train". As we proceeded to plan, buy tickets, and get things in order, I realized (slowly) that Chicago is where the Divergent stories took place!

We started picking places we wanted to go and I chose the John Hancock Building (360 Chicago now) and the Navy Pier. The Pier is where Tris dominated capture the flag by climbing up the ferris wheel and Tris ziplines with the Dauntless Born initiates from the top of the John Hancock building (I think, don't quote me on that). Whatever, the John Hancock building had AMAZING views of the Pier and the rest of Chicago, especially at night, which is when we went.

My mom had often described her college experience as a very "romantic" time in her life. She came from a family that did not go to college, where she grew up without food most days. When she went to college, she was so excited and in unbelief that she had made it that far.

I never understood that feeling, until I got to Chicago. It felt like coming home. Not because I'm from there, or because I had ever been there, but it seemed like a place that had provided a backdrop to a story that got me through so many rough times. Basically, I'm secretly super sentimental and I was processing how far I had come from the time I first started attempting to watch Divergent and the Hunger Games Series to get to the point where I am now.

I did not share this reason for wanting to go to the Navy Pier, or Chicago for that matter, until my last night there with my friends. There was a time that I relied on them too much for support in my immediate post-trauma period, and I ended up overwhelming Beauty. When I had originally told Big Red what had happened to me, she cried in the middle of the mall as strangers strolled by and stared at us. Big Red does not cry, and I made her cry. Because of these experiences, I felt like I needed to avoid telling people my story. I didn't want to burden anyone with this overwhelming, crushing pain. It broke my heart to feel like I had hurt others because I shared my story with them. Looking back, I told Beauty far too much and "word vomited" my pain onto her. As far as Big Red goes, she was simply hurt because I had been hurt so horrifically and she was joining with me to feel that pain. She was mourning the injustices forced upon me. I didn't break her, she was validating how unfair it was for anyone, let alone her friend, to have to go through that. Especially from my first ever boyfriends.

I am now learning to be vulnerable and to share, without over-sharing. By sharing my reasoning for wanting to go to Chicago and see the Navy Pier after they had already agreed to go, they were able to share in my gratefulness and growth. They joined in my gladness because they had walked the most raw parts of my journey with me.

I can see G-d moving in my life friends. It's been awhile since I had been able to see it, but He's showing up so clearly I'm often dumbfounded.

Moving On

Y'all, I woke up at about 0600 this morning with the thought that I only have 3 days living in Home State before I move...

All of a sudden, I couldn't sleep anymore.

Folks, it is summer and I just graduated from college. I should be sleeping in! Regardless, having blinds in my mom's RV (where I'm presently living with her) that do not keep sun out definitely contribute to the natural decline in melatonin once sunlight begins invading the bedroom. Thanks science! Haha, just kidding.

The past couple of weeks, I've been trying to get my NCLEX testing scheduled down there, got a house, working on getting my paperwork for my new NICU job completed and to who it goes to, and tying up various loose ends.

Well, the government takes awhile after they get the info via snail mail from my school. It doesn't help that I'm going to another state. I'm strapped for cash because I haven't worked since Christmas. I've been ridiculously antsy the past few weeks with nothing scheduled to do. I need to start working!

Oh L-rd, let the paperwork get done way faster than it normally would! Help me to get in and start working so that I can get a paycheck! L-rd, please provide for me so that I can pay m bills and get my responsibilities taken care of!!!

My mom recently reminded me that everything He does or doesn't do is an opportunity to build faith. He gives us desires in our heart, then fulfills them to show us that it was Him working the whole time.

Sometimes, He lets us look at houses for 3 days straight, in order to show us how bad it could be, before He finally provides a wonderful house with an amazing landlord team at the very last minute!

Sometimes, He allows us to be at the end of our funds and the end of our rope to show that He provides everything and that He allowed us to have enough funds to make it to our present situation. Granted, that can sometimes be misconstrued, but G-d gave me enough funds through school to be able to live comfortably and not have to work the final semester while I was going through counseling and getting finished with school! I am so very grateful for that because I don't think I could have finished school while working and dealing with the things counseling brought up.

G-d provided me with the perfect counselor for me, that was great with working with me where I was as I continued to heal. I was blessed with someone who did not make me rehash the same memories over and over, but allowed me to talk about them as I needed, while focusing on coping skills and rational thinking.

I was blessed with friendships that grew and faded over time, as was needed for me at any specific point in time.

The L-rd is orchestrating and leading my life. I get into trouble when I start trying to get Him to go my way, but He hasn't given up on me yet.

So, I move on Friday/Saturday. Dad borrowed a stock trailer and truck from my uncle and he and my mom will help me pack it up, drive there (across 2-3 states), then unload and get settled. Things that used to stress me or that would have stressed me before are no longer a huge deal. I was blessed by many family friends with gifts of $100 each, and one lady prayerfully decided to gift me with $500. When I opened the card and saw the check, I thought it was too much! Looking at my money situation right now... it looks like it is going to be just the right amount. And it left me floored.

If you so feel compelled, pray with me for blessings in my new adventures...

 L-rd, I need protection, favor, speedy government paper processing, and I could really use some funds! Thank you L-rd for your incredible blessings and for allowing me to be able to start seeing the many "little" miracles that show me you are still very real and very present in my life. I am constantly amazed at the ways you work on a daily basis and show me that you are still trying to lead and help me. Baruch HaShem

It's a Happy New Year Indeed!

Let me tell you a story about my New Year's Eve. It was so fun!

We decided to go out to Roommate's mom's house after I had worked to night. No big deal because I got to sleep for a couple of hours in between.

We headed out to her place around 5 with no big complications. There was a small dinner at her mom's house before we all headed to the dance. So, it was Roommate, her mom, the step-dad (he's is so cool, I just love him to pieces!), Roommate's cousin, and two of that kid's cousins on the other side of his family tree (just roll with it). Oh, plus me. Already we have a recipe for a great night because these people are so fun.

We get to the dance about an hour after it began with a different one of Roommate's cousins because we had to jump over to the next town to get soda. That's how small this town is, there isn't a gas station or grocery store for at least 9 miles down the road.

The dance is fun and we're all just hanging out in a big circle in the back with my uncle and aunt and some other people I've never met before.

At midnight Roommate agreed that we would start a new single girl tradition of giving each other high-fives because we have nobody to kiss (and I avoid kisses like the plague, but for very different reasons!) A little while later a guy comes up and asks me to dance. He is such a good dancer! He asked for my number after the first dance and then we danced a few more songs. Also, he smells really good even after dancing for hours before finally asking me onto the floor. That's a super great bonus!

So, excellent night right? We closed the city hall down, which is where the dance was at, around 2 a.m. I was so tired I was begging to go home but I got talked into going to another party. I was told we would only be there for 30 minutes. That was a lie. We left around 4 a.m.! However, the party was super fun. I didn't drink when I was there but I won three games of beer pong in a row! Every time the other team got the ball in a cup and it was my turn to drink I would pour it into a different cup and they didn't even notice! Ya, they were way too far gone. I feel like a cheater but... I wasn't about to get sick or do something silly just because I had been drinking. Hey, the guy was there and we won a game together! I need to come up with a name for him...

Fast-forward to about 0400 today and he finally texted me! I thought he had forgotten about me or didn't actually care that he got my number. Well, turns out he remembered me and we are going on a date tomorrow (tonight because it is now 0138). I'm too excited to sleep and I even took all my herbs to help with sleep, plus magnesium, plus melatonin...

Bonus #2! Roommate gets to come with me and it's going to be a group date because I was really nervous it would just be the two of us. Phew! I won't have to sustain a conversation the entire night by myself. We are going to go to dinner and bowling and though I am okay at beer pong, I am terrible at bowling so hopefully he doesn't dislike me just because we lose. I already warned him but nobody ever understands the severity of my badness until they experience it for themselves first-hand. Ah well, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe he'll even get a better nickname for this blog!

Daily Thanksgiving: Roommate gets to come with me on my first date and I had a blast dancing on New Year's Eve! Most importantly, G-d brought me through 2014. I think this was one of my roughest, if not the roughest year of my life so far but G-d allowed me to survive. He brought me through! I pray that 2015 goes much better for me and all of you out there. Happy New Year!

I think I will try to give a synopsis of my 2014 tomorrow, if I remember. I'll also let you know how the night goes with him and then maybe I'll tell you a bit more about him. Teaser: he's pretty cute and he seems to have his life together fairly well. He's a really good dancer and so far he's super sweet while also being able to be upfront instead of beating around the bush. He also instigated the whole thing and asked me out after only meeting me once instead of hoping I would ask him after months of only texting each other. All things I was looking and hoping for so we'll see! Pray for safety for both of our hearts, his understanding of my weird boundaries, and fun, lots of fun.

Homecoming Weekend

This is my second post of the day because I had quite a busy weekend.

It started off freezing cold because apparently the place I live can't smoothly transition between seasons, it just kind of kicks in and out for awhile until people get used to it and then it starts changing again. So, we were supposed to go ride horses but ended up calling that off to stay home and bake some delicious zucchini bread and brownies. Dude, my roommate can bake and cook like a pro! Maybe I could learn how to cook well for my future husband (hopefully a cowboy but we'll see...)

Then we watched a movie. By we I mean her while I fell asleep on the couch because I had worked the night before. I got about 30 minutes in before my 12-year-old cousin came home from school. He lives across the street from her, but really he kinda lives at her house too because that kid is so social! My dad and his two brothers all got that social gene and passed it to their sons, but I got none of it. Seriously, I am about as social as a cactus.

Then it was time for the high school volleyball game! I miss playing volleyball even though I wasn't super great at it. This high school was the one my dad and his brothers went to. Well, technically, they tore his down a couple of years ago and built a new one, but some of his teachers still work there. It's weird going places that my dad and grandparents used to go and feeling that sense of past, but not actually being able to have that as my past too. Since I can't go back in time, I figure I will just live vicariously through my cousins and Roommate's cousins as they go through high school there. I can't experience everything, but I'm starting to get a taste of what my dad got to do.

Later we went to a bonfire and the football game was the next day. It was so fun! The more I go out there, the more jealous I get that I wasn't able to grow up out there where my cousins get to live and experience because they get the life that my grandparents and uncles got and especially what my dad got.

On the plus side, I got to chill with my two uncles a whole bunch this weekend and even got to drive on of my uncle's trucks in the town parade! Ya, it was pretty cool.

Just before coming back home to the city we had to go round up a steer that had gotten loose. He managed to get into a field with a a whole bunch of other cows and a bull. Dude, I tore my jeans-my only pair of jeans and they were actually really cute and sparkly on the pockets-climbing over the barbed wire, electric fence. Then we had to walk around the whole herd to get them into a smaller pen in order to then trailer the single steer because he was a little crazy and doesn't like doing anything alone. The bull I mentioned before was staring me down the whole time. My Roommate and her cousin warned me to try to run if he started charging at me, but that did little to calm my nerves at being sized up by a huge animal with loads of testosterone and a couple of horns! Due to the way guys work, we ended up working harder than we should have because they refused to listen to us girls and also did not fully think the whole plan through before implementing it. Needless to say, we finally got the steer separated and life went on.

Now I really want cattle. I wanted cattle before, but now I need them just like I now need  horses and goats and sheep and chickens and every other type of animal I can get my hands on. Hopefully someday I can get some land, critters, and a cowboy who actually can teach me how to care for such animals. Until then, I will take all the exposure I can get with them. I pray I do not find myself on the business end of a bulls horns though, I don't need that much experience.

The Great Debate: Does this sound like flirting?

A few nights ago we decided to keep Roommate's dog (a chihuahua) at our apartment for a couple of nights to see how it would work out if we decide to pay the pet rent and keep her with us. Her mom had driven into town to see us, which is about a 45 minute drive from their country home to where we met. We were not expecting to keep the puppy with us but we both love critters and were missing the joy dogs bring.

Long story short, we needed some supplies for the dog. So, on the way home we stopped by the local Walgreens and picked up a can of dog food and a dish brush. Now, the brush was for the sugar glider's cage so we could clean it easier.

Anywho, we bring our items to the cashier and he just looks at us and asks, "Really? A dish brush and a can of dog food?" That's all he said.

I responded, "It's been a weird day..." At which time my roommate and I both giggled a little to keep from exploding in laughter and looked at each other.

Now, Roommate's mom thinks he was flirting. I, however, think he may have been high or something. But, if that was his attempt at flirting, he needs to work on that because I totally did not get it!*

*Note: It's beside the point that I don't know what flirting is...

Pregnant and Coping

Guys, I think I'm pregnant. I've been nauseous, moody, and all sorts of discombobulated for the past couple of months. Except it's physically impossible for me to be expecting because I know how babies are made and I didn't do that. I don't even hold hands with boys... So maybe I'm just stressed?

Next week is finals. I am coping by laying on the couch with my favorite blanket and watching children's movies (today's viewing is Croods). It's a wonder I am allowed to live on my own and take care of other people's loved ones seeing as I act like a 3-year-old any time I get stressed, sad, or otherwise not happy or at least normal.

In other news, I taught my pall how to drive stick today. Let's name her Pretty Princess. So, PP is one of the other girls in my nursing program and we met last year through Best Friend in the dorms. She is hilarious and stupid gorgeous. Like, I'm jealous that she is so charismatic, thin, gorgeous, and smart. But, hey, I'm blessed that I met her and that we found Big Red on the first day because we make quite the trio. BR was also with us as we were practicing starting and stopping in the parking lot outside of our nursing school. Oh man, it was so hilarious! All three of us yelling jokes and names at each other and just having a good time with it. I needed this so bad and it was awesome therapy.

I got a little carried away with pictures so enjoy this never-ending stream of pictures/memes I found on Google!