First Solo Night

Y'all, I had my first solo night as a NICU RN the other night! I survived it!!! But folks, it was frickin' rough.

Even with them knowing I am a brand-new nurse and had been on orientation the night before... they gave me 3 of the "easier" babies, all with things I have not had to deal with yet with a preceptor and HAD NO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO HANDLE ON MY OWN.

I was talking with a girl who was helping me out, and she asked how my night was going, 2 hours into the shift. I told her good, then explained to her I was given an 8:30 feeder and two 9 o'clock feeders. She legit looked at me and said, "get used to getting terrible assignments for awhile, it happens to everyone."

In a joking matter I laughed and asked, "is it like hazing the new kid?" with a smile and a slight look of fear... to which she responded, "yeah, a little."

Now, I get trying to get me new experiences, and giving me easy babies. Okay, I get it. But if you look at the feeding schedule and avoid giving all of the other, experienced nurses babies that all need to feed at the same time, why the fuck would you give a brand-new nurse all babies that need attention at the same time her first night by herself? Seriously.

For those of you who don't know, feeding times in the NICU are important. Those are the times when you do assessments, get labs, bath, and care for the kid, then feed them. The feeding is supposed to start at their designated feeding time and all cares should be completed before then.

My 8:30 was a kid that was needing to room-in with the parents so that if the parents had any issues during that process, they would have help literally across the hall.

One of my 9:00 feeders was brand new that day, and a train-wreck because not all of her admission labs had been done upon admission, then the NP decided later in the day (like 5 hours later) that hey, maybe getting blood cultures and the other normal admission labs should be collected, just in case. So, day-shift nurse left those for me to do... Now, I'm getting better at regular labs where you just do a heal stick an milk their little foot. The blood culture labs require an IV stick, leaving the catheter in the vein, then aspirating blood drop by drop into a 10 mL syringe to ensure that it is not contaminated with the bacteria from the skin. This is a super scary way to draw labs, and mighty tedious. However, baby veins are so little that you can't just use a butterfly needle or draw blood the way one can on adults or even children. Yes, drawing labs this way is as irritating and tedious as it sounds. Add in the fact that I haven't gotten an IV stick since the very first one I placed on day 2 of orientation, and it stresses me out to no end.

My other 9:00 feeder is truly a feeder-grower. His parents know how to do all cares and he eats really fast. He knows what he's doing and, honestly, I'm not entirely certain why he isn't able to go home yet. But hey, I'm new, so they must be keeping him around for something.

On top of normal cares, me freaking out, and work needing to be completed, we have to get baby weights on night shift. In order to do so, all 20-30 babies are weighed using 1 of 2 scales, unless they happen to be so small that they have a bed with a bed scale.

I had just finished my first assessment when ALL of the parents showed up for ALL of my kids. I needed to do a bunch of paperwork and teaching for the parents who needed to room-in, then get them over to their hospital room for the night. One dad came in with his mom to hold his daughter for the first time since her early birth from emergency c-sections (the kid I still needed to draw labs on...), and the other parents for my second 9:00 feeding showed up and started in on cares and feeding for that baby.

Meanwhile, the charge nurse is asking where I'm at, I had time to only poke my head into each baby's room before I got caught up in the new kids room with a very nervous but sweet dad. The parents waiting to be able to room-in were working on feeding their kid, but ended up having to wait 30 minutes after he was done eating in order for me to get back to help them. And, my sweet parents for my last baby's feeding took care of everything except for weighing their baby, which I put off until the last feeding.

The charge nurse found me, and seemed to get mildly upset with the fact that I wasn't able to be in all three rooms at the same time, but started to help me with delegation and getting other nurses to help with the rooming-in training and whatnot.

Looking back on it now, I can see that feeding the newbie kid should have waited a little bit and I should have gotten labs drawn on the kid when I had a little bit of time before parents showed up. However, I have seen the super-experienced nurses have tons of days like that and I think I handled it pretty fuckin' well. I taught the new dad a lot, and answered all of his questions. I let the parents that knew what they were doing get time with their baby and kept checking in on them instead of just disappearing, and I was able to find a time to sneak away from patient's in order to ask for help. Plus, I was given a difficult assignment that even the day nurse, who has been a NICU nurse for like 15 years, changed as soon as she got in and got report. Now I know I can ask to change it.

I survived my first solo night as a NICU RN. I got done everything I needed to get done, though some was a little bit late. I got a kid a bath, who was in desperate need to be bathed, and he gave me good-smelling baby snuggles with each feeding. I offered help when I had the time, and worked my ass off all night. I organized the beds, talked with all of the parents, and did all that I could, while fending for myself. I was a difficult night and some newbie mistakes were made, but people helped me and went to bat for me once they determined I am willing of their time and effort. I thanked people up one side and down the other to make sure they know I am appreciative of their help. I left in the morning feeling tired, and a little bit defeated, but now that I think back on it, I did an amazing job for a brand-new nurse with only 2 weeks of night time orientation and 12 weeks over-all orientation.

There will be many nights where I will feel way worse because of everything getting crazy busy and hectic all at the same time. There will be days I mess up really bad and need someone to bail me out. There will be difficult parents, babies who are not wanting to fight to live anymore, and times where I feel like a complete failure. For me, I have only had one job where I left and didn't care what happened at work: IT. Working IT left me dreading going to work and counting down the minutes until I left. When I was a cashier in high school, I was so invested in my work that I was constantly trying to improve and do better than I was the day before. In being a CNA, both in the Alzheimer's facility and as a patient sitter in the hospital, I left each day either elated and accomplished or feeling sad/defeated/frustrated/upset. Leaving clinicals was a similar experience for me.

My upset/defeated days come from thinking I could have done something vastly different to lead to a much better outcome than what happened. This can be from interactions with patients, their family, nurses, or any number of the medical staff. It might come from a day when I have no help and the full fuckin' moon is up along with every person with some sore of behavioral issue (both temporary and chronic), or it may come from a day where I am perpetually behind because of something happening at the beginning of the shift.

My happy days come from knowing I did as much as I could. Or from a patient/family member telling me how much I helped them that day. Occasionally, it'll come from a nurse or doctor letting me know how much I helped and how much my presence was required and useful that day (did not happen but once in my 3 years of CNA experience and I didn't believe it when the nurses would tell me that during clinicals because I know I slowed them down). It also came when I had just an amazing learning or teaching experience, like getting to scrub in and assist with a surgery on my first OB clinical night!

For me, I could not handle going to a job where I didn't have emotional connection and attachment to my work. Yes, my heart and emotions are constantly on a roller coaster but, let's be real, I'm on a roller coaster all the time anyway with my bipolar episodes *ba-dum-ts* (that was supposed to be the drum and cymbal sound for when people make a joke). Ha, I made a joke.

You know what, it's true though. My whole heart has been in everything I do, even working IT, and I wouldn't have it any other way. People can tell when you're just there for money or if you actually care about what is happening. I pray my heart stays tender, that I never lose my sense of wonder, and that I am able to continually learn how to be better and care more efficiently so that everyone can feel how much I truly care for them. I never want to get a hard and jaded heart. This means I will have to endure many heartaches and a lot of pain, but I cannot imagine working for 30 years and not feeling anything for my patients or caring about people by the time I retire.


Moral of story for this post: I survived. My babies survived (thought one tried to die on me). And, to top it all off, I was one of the first ones to leave even thought I was able to keep up with all of my work and even help others with their work (as much as possible). I figured I would have been one of the last to leave and super behind all night. Woohoo!

IT on pause

Today was my last day working my IT job for the summer and possibly forever. It is so surreal that I have finished my second year of college (well, one more final tomorrow) and I am finished with one school-year of working as an IT person. Not quite sure if it is good or bad yet, we shall see.

In light of it being my last day, I would like to tell y'all a funny story. Well, it's kinda funny... for me...

One of my friends that works IT with me asked me to a party this Friday. He was telling me how great it would be and it's all in his apartment complex. I said "no" just flat out. There was a smile on my face but I told him no. He and his friend continued on about how fun it would be and yada, yada, yada. Then he asked if I was single. He has a girlfriend so he wasn't asking for himself. Turns out he has a friend who is Messianic who was going to be at the party and my friend was absolutely convinced I needed to go so that I could possibly meet this fellow. I told them no because I am ridiculously awkward and I was planning on getting my tongue pierced so I would be unable to speak. Then they tried for 10 minutes trying to convince me that I am not awkward because I wear cowboy boots to school and they don't know anybody in cowboy boots that are awkward... Yikes, these boys just haven't spent enough time with me. That and they are both really charismatic which means they could have a conversation with a rock and the rock would talk back and none of the conversation would be awkward.

My mom laughed at that story for like 5 minutes...

Happy Finals Week everyone. Finish strong! I believe in you.

Applause!

I am terrible with technology yet I work in IT...

Normally on Mondays I have stories of how terrible I did at my IT job because I always seem to make a fool of myself on Mondays. Why? I don't know. Today, however, I actually did well! I got a call from a classroom that I get frequent calls from for a simple problem that I have explained how to solve multiple times. Anyway, I got TWO calls from that room today because I solved the problem and then it came back up. Whatever, I went back to the room to fix the problem. After doing all that I could, it still wouldn't work. The professor and students were asking if there was another room they could use since the computer was not working. I said I had a computer I could bring in, in the worst case scenario but I wanted to try one of their laptops first. Their laptop worked as a bandaid and the whole class broke out into applause! I have been in classes where we applaud the IT tech for fixing the solution but I am terrible with computers and never expected to be on the receiving end. I didn't even fully fix the problem!!! Needless to say, it pretty much made my day.

After work and school I went to the grocery store and the guy at the deli remembered my order! He helps me nearly every week so I'm sure it was bound to happen but it made me feel special.

So, after the near break down during the death and dying lectures, I had a fantastic day. Praise the L-rd for little breaks of sunshine in our gloomy seasons.

NICU Job

A couple weeks ago I had an interview for a CNA position in the NICU at one of our local hospitals. I told y'all that I didn't get the job as evidence by an email I received just after I found out about Country Boy's passing... That was a struggle.

Monday morning, I was fixin' to call them back to see if they had any advice for how I could improve my interviewing skills. I was certain that I had bombed the interview because they went from all smiles and nice tones to more of a interrogation-like mode. Super freaky, let me tell you. It all happened once they started asking about my schedule and how long a semester is and stuff like that.

So, I left the interview feeling defeated. Monday, while I was at my IT job, I get a voicemail. My phone didn't ring all day, but then there was a voicemail message. It was the assistant manager of the NICU calling me back asking to speak to me about how the interview went...

Do I need to mention my light headedness, heart palpitations, sweaty palms, shakiness, and all around feeling of impending doom? When I called her back she was so sweet but straight to the point. She told me that it was a hard decision between me and another person but went with the other girl due to scheduling. HOWEVER, she mentioned that I did well in the interview and hopes that she has a position opening up in the summer and she asked if she could call me in case that happens! She then proceeded to tell me that she loved my enthusiasm and the hospital is fixin' to start a training program for new grads wanting to work in the NICU and she thought I would be a fantastic candidate if I still want to be in the NICU upon graduation.

I was speechless. I had been so upset all week and weekend after finding out about Country Boy, me not getting the job, breaking up with Best Friend, and the million other things in my life that just had me drowning in emotional crisis and self pity. I'm sure y'all know that I do not handle emotional troubles well. So, I had been angry at G-d for several days for not letting me save Country Boy, then for not letting me get my "dream job," and then for all the other silly things I recognized as being not good in my life. Even with all that, G-d was working in ways that I could not see. When I thought my world was falling apart, He was orchestrating everything perfectly. Whether I get the NICU job or not, He allows me to find favor with Him and with the people I come into contact with.

I was telling a guy at my IT job that I had an interview with the NICU the other day. He didn't know what that was so I explained that it was the ICU for itty bitty babies. He then proceeded to ask if I was baby crazy. Ummmmmm, not in the way that most girls my age are. I am definately not ready to have one of my own. I am perfectly fine taking care of them for awhile and then going home to a house full of quiet. Ya, I'd like offspring of my own someday, but that'll have to wait on G-d's timing.

The same guys also asked if I was engaged. Oh man, I can't even hold down a relationship based on friendship, how on earth can I handle an engagement? Well, it's not his fault, I wear my purity ring on my left hand ring finger. I also wear my old purity ring on my right middle finger because I lost a bunch of weight and so I had to shuffle my rings around so they would fit. Needless to say, we had a beautiful awkward silence totally brought on by him. That is rare because I didn't cause it!!!

Well, let's finish this school year strong. Only about a month left and I am ready for summer. I can't be the only one to be overdue for a summer vacation, right? Check out my Pinterest to see what I have planned for the summer and there is more to come. I need some sleep. Good night, folks.

Chronicles of a Terribly Awkward Girl

Does anyone else suffer from foot-in-mouth disease? It's a chronic condition that I have developed and I have many, many acute exacerbations. If only there was a treatment for it... medication... a padded room... a handler... complete solitude... SOMETHING!

Let's just start with today's incident.

At 0700 I arrive at my nursing school in order to finish my 10 page paper and print off a few articles before class at 0830. The way that my university is set up, the nursing school is set way at the edge of campus, away from the rest of the normal class buildings. Why? I don't know. We should be close to the cute mechanical engineering guys. That's a story for another day though.

My paper got turned in and class went fine. After class, I get a short break for lunch and then I go to my IT job. Upon walking into my IT job desk, I start up a conversation with the gentleman that worked the shift before mine. I mentioned that there is a student IT down in the nursing school computer lab that was not there before. A few more things are said and just as my IT boss (the real boss) walked in I ask, "how can I get that job." A chuckle behind me that can only come from him brings on an extreme heat in my face and I'm sure I turned bright red. He explained that they aren't really IT advisers. Instead, they are employed by the nursing school department. He mentioned that the job is probably easier and the student adviser down there doesn't stay there for the whole time that the computer lab is open, yada, yada, yada. After his whole explanation (said all while slightly giggling to himself) of the job, he just looked at me with a smile on his face. More heat and more red on me. Stupid blood vessel dilation in response to embarrassment. They say blushing is supposed to be an endearing trait because it suggests that the person is honest and innocent.

Let's just talk about this for a second. I am in no mood to be messed with, belittled, or otherwise made uncomfortable. There is very little that I can handle in addition to the other tragedies that have occured in the two weeks since I've turned 20. I told y'all bad things happen on birthdays. Unfortunately, my birthdays have gone from specialty of the day being forgotten about when I was in elementary school, to being called into the principal's office (middle school), and now to a friend committing suicide (college). There were other scarring events mixed throughout, but these gems are the special few examples I can share today.

Yes, this whole foot-in-mouth awkwardness was brought on by me. One precipitating factor of this condition is having a big, fat pie-hole. It is ever present and always in overdrive for me. This is so beyond frustrating. No matter how many conversations I have with my IT boss, or how much I try to avoid talking, I always end up saying stupid things around him. Sometimes it is because I don't know what I am doing because I had no training for this job. Occasionally it is because words escape me on most days and so I cannot describe what I need to have happen with the computer or whatever is happening at that particular point. On most other occasions, it is just because I say stupid things at an above average rate for someone of my age, stature, and developmental stage.

So, for now, I have to figure out a way to get out of my head and keep my sanity for the next few weeks until school is done. Maybe then I can focus on grieving for my dead friend and perhaps get some much needed rest. I haven't had a full-on summer break without any schooling for about 1.75 years and I am extremely overdue.

Does anyone else feel any little bit of my pain? No, just me? That's cool. If y'all find a nice little rock for me to climb under, give me the coordinates because I am so over this season of my life. IT'S ONLY BEEN 2 STINKIN' WEEKS SINCE I TURNED 20!!!

Serious Struggles = Breakdown on Phone with Mother

Guys I was having a rough 24 hours yesterday. Actually, it all happened in about 18 hours, but whatever.

About a week and a half ago (on a Friday) I get a call to say that I don't have to work Sunday. They call me back the following Friday to say, "Hey, you have to come in now." Nobody asked if I had plans or studying or anything else going on since they gave me the day off. So, naturally, I steamed about it for a few days and went in anyway. Work was fine but I was the only float for all 4 courts so I was bounced around pretty heavily all night. Then, I got to go home. By the time I walked into my apartment door it was 10 p.m. and I had loads of homework to do.

Now, let me remind you that the facility recently changed their key policy from allowing every employee to have their own set of keys, to now requiring you to check keys out because they took them away from us. Why? A power trip by a whole set of new managers. As part of this policy, if you forget to check your keys back in and put them in the box, you have to drive all the way back to work to return to them before you get written up.

Guess what I found in my pocket as I was taking off my shoes at home? You guessed it you smart person! I found my keys. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I think I probably would have punch a hole in the wall because I was livid. Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. I was mad at myself for being so stupid for not returning my keys and I was even angrier at the facility and manager who thought this stupid policy would be a good idea.

So, a 30 minuted drive there and back later, I had cooled off slightly. G-d, in His infinite love and kindness, allowed me to hit all green lights even when other cars were waiting at intersections and nobody was traveling the way I was. He allowed me to be irrationally angry at a situation that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things and even helped me to cool down. He also kept me from the millions of cops that I saw because I was speeding a bit due to the rage boiling over inside of me. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by how G-d's worked in my life than I was that night.

After about 3 hours of homework, I woke up asleep at my computer. 5 hours later, I'm being woken up by about 12 alarms distributed throughout my room to ensure that I do, in fact, wake up and don't sleep through them. Went to class, no big deal.

Then, at my IT job, everything that could go wrong did. I rode on the elevator to the wrong floor while trying to take a computer to a teacher. That computer didn't work so I called my partner but accidentally ended up calling my boss. I ran upstairs, grabbed another one, took the stupid elevator again and went to the wrong floor, AGAIN! At some point I had to reimage a computer. Each time, it takes 30 minutes, and I had to do it twice because I thought I did it wrong. After talking to my partner, he confirmed it. (It turns out that computer was just broken too, so that made me feel a little bit better, but it was a whole day after that incident.)

So, after all of that nonesense, I went home and called my mom instead of going to the gym. We talked about my dating policies because I have recently been reconsidering my kissing thing but I don't know if that's just because I'm listening to country music or if it's because G-d is testing me or maybe He didn't even encourage me to make that policy. I don't know. So, we talked about her experiences and I asked questions I never thought I would ask ever, let alone to my mom... At some point I broke down and she encouraged me to have a boyfriend "just because they're fun and it would help you to understand more social cues." Seriously, that's what she said. We all know I'm not developed past a 5th grade social status, but I don't know that jumping into a random relationship would help that any.

The reason that came up though, is because I had breakfast with my best friend. This best friend is the same one that asked me out last year. I hadn't seen him in several months and when I did it was weird because he and my other friend were unpleased with each other so then I felt like I was running interference. But my crush that had been so difficult to get over suddenly hit me like a train at dinner. It was so weird. Plus, the waitress thought we were dating so she only gave us one ticket and he paid for me and that was really weird for me. So I brought all that to my mom and that made me start crying because I don't know what's happening. When I don't know what's happening in my own head/heart, I freak out and seriously question all of my life decisions.

Lately, G-d keeps showing me blog posts and random articles through Facebook, or some really unexpected places, about dating through a G-dly person's perspective. One such article can be found here. I strongly suggest that you read it because I thought I was some independent, strong-willed girl that didn't listen to Hollywood's fairy tales and the silliness that Disney movies try to feed us about "love". Turns out that I'm influenced heavily and it is not allowing me to hear G-d's voice about what He wants for me as a person that can potentially date. For now, I'm throwing out all of my past rules and I'm starting from scratch with what I pray is G-d's voice, ONLY. I guess we'll see where that leads because I'm totally in the dark. Also, it's making me freak out a bit more, but it's not as unsettling because I know G-d is in control and I'm not holding on for dear life. It's a faith exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I went to the gym a lot last week and got down to 5 pound lost total so far. This week, however, is not fairing so well with the exercising establishment because I'm plumb exhausted and a bit lazy this week. Hopefully I will find some motivation to go to the gym again. I'm getting better at distance running for longer times and also faster running. It makes me feel to much better to go do something that makes me sweat and gets my anxiousness out in a more productive way that causing me heart palpitations and mild panic attacks.

I think that's all I have for now. I should probably go study...

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d totally understands me even in my irrational anger. He is changing me for the better and stretching me in ways I didn't think were possible. I've lost 5 pounds and feel a bit better about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to run a whole mile in under 8 minute.

Crazy Couple of Weeks

School started back 2 weeks ago. This semester seems to be going well, so far. Eventually I will be starting my clinicals which require about 3x the work of all the classes I have right now combined. Not only are clinicals more work all around, but they require ALL the work to be done the night before getting up at 4 in the morning! Yikes. But, for now, I'm just enjoying being caught up and ahead in all of my classes. Also, I'm enjoying have 100% in a few of my classes. These perfect grades won't last long at all, but it's nice to enjoy them while they're here!

Would you believe me if I told you Country Boy texted me again? He did. Little sucker is trying to pull me in and wants to hang out. Darn it! I'm even considering inviting him to dinner with me and a huge group of my friends just to get him off my back, but that's probably a bad idea because my best friend (who also asked me out last year) is likely coming. These past few months I've been waiting and praying for him to text me so that I could give him a piece of my mind and now my ornery words have eluded me.

On a positive note, he (my best friend) has decided to heed my advice to date other girls until we decide if we need to reassess our friendship as a dating relationship. He didn't tell me he had a girlfriend this summer, I had to find out through another one of our friends, but I sure hope it's true. My source told me they only dated for a little bit then broke up, but he's not just waiting for me. Him waiting for me was making me really anxious, so this is good!

My friends have offered to get me vodka, beer, and the like... Temptation is getting pretty strong but I'm bound and determined to not give in. It's rough though. How is it that I'm getting all of the middle/high school coming of age issues in college? Dating, attraction, drinking, drugs, etc. I'm glad I'm strong and not highly influenced by these people but DANG!

Church was great last week. I hadn't been in about a month and a half and didn't realize how much I missed getting to sing to G-d and be in a place where people are focused on Him. It is beautiful.

My IT job decided to "promote" me. That doesn't involve a pay raise, it just means that they put me in a more difficult area of campus. I thought that would be great. Turns out that they give you no training. Instead, they let you try to figure out the computer problems with entire classes of students staring at you... Super awkward! I though public speaking was bad but this takes the cake.

I haven't been to my CNA job in almost a month and don't plan on going back to work there for any more than 1 day a month.



So, those are my life highlights from the past few weeks.

OH! I forgot to tell you that I am currently learning how to line dance. I learned the Watermelon Crawl, the Tush Push, and how to 2-Step. I would love to learn as many as I can though because there are tons of line dances. Who knew?

* Note: The lady in this picture is a nurse who teaches line dancing in Colorado, I think. Look for her here to see her videos on YouTube if you would like to join me in the pursuit of obtaining dancing skills.

Daily Thanksgiving: Have y'all been practicing your own daily thanksgivings? School is going well so far and my teachers seem to be really prepared and interesting. Clinicals start this semester! I'm gaining wisdom about my own dating life even though it's very difficult. I'm learning a lot about IT and my stress from the CNA job is minimal because I barely go there. I have a church to go to and live in a free country where I can worship freely. That is a huge blessing in and of itself.

I'm Back

It seems as though I've been neglecting this blog for quite sometime now! For some reason, it almost feels like I haven't been on in a few years, but it's only been a month at most.

Well, my life has been hectic. School let out the week before Christmas. So, I went from finals week, straight into an insane amount of work. I worked Christmas Eve night, then a double on Christmas, and finished it out with a "float" shift the next day. I was run ragged all three days, but I made close to $500 in just those 4 shifts because of overtime and holiday pay. Then, I kept booking myself for doubles on Sundays and I have my IT job every Monday and Tuesday of break. Needless to say, I am tired and ready for life to slow down. Will it? Not likely. However, I gave my last two IT shifts away and today is the last day I had signed up for my CNA job so I will be off all next week!

Did anyone else work on Christmas? Was it crazy? Mine was. Praise the L-rd I don't celebrate Christmas anymore because I would have been even grumpier than I already was. My day started out behind because one of the overnight people called in to QUIT when she was already 30 minutes late for her shift on Christmas Eve. So the next day, nobody was up or dressed because the girl they got to cover, refused to change or dress anyone. Thanks. As we were still rushing around to get people ready after breakfast had come and gone, the power went out. Super! Thankfully, it came on about 20 minutes later and didn't stay off for the 5 hours it had last time it went out. That was a really bad day. Nonetheless, we worked through it. Families were calling in from 6 a.m. on asking for their loved one to be dressed a certain way and ready by a certain time. Did the residents agree to this? Of course not. Did the families come at the expected times? Never. It was a minor dilemma though because most family members were in such a good mood due to the fact it was Christmas that they got their loved ones dressed themselves. That's the good thing about family coming in, the resident won't cooperate for us, but they will do anything for a familiar face. By the time my second shift rolled around, half of our patients were out with families and the other half were in food comas scattered about the common area. We got them into bed, my partner was super chill and allowed us to go slow and take our time instead of rushing everywhere to get the people to sleep and my day ended better than expected.

IT was so slow the first two weeks of school that I cleaned almost every class room that has computers in them. Then, this week, we got our new shipment of computers in. They are cool and extremely heavy. So heavy, in fact, that I hurt my back and could hardly walk. It was an injury that started at my CNA job and was exacerbated by IT. Worker's comp and injuries on the job are a HUGE hassle and I had no idea they got so complicated when working two jobs back-to-back. I'll fill you in more when I go talk to my manager today.

This next semester is exciting though! I start clinicals and have Health Promotion as well as Developmental Psych and Sociology (online). We will see how this goes! I love psychology and I'm excited to have two classes not entirely centered around nursing. Let me tell you, it's nice to meet people with different majors than nursing, especially when you are surrounded by the same 40 nursing students for 4 months straight. Maybe I'll meet some new friends! I desperatly need more in my life than nursing because I may start to get burnt out soon and I'm not even an RN yet. How sad would that be?

IT Job Has Never Been Better

So, are y'all familiar with my sudden realization of guys that happened this summer? Well, if not, I have been living life so simply, not understanding what my girl friends meant when they thoughts guys were cute. For the first 19 years of my life, I was gloriously ignorant of male beauty. *Note, I do not objectify them, I just appreciate their dark eyes and the fact that they seem to be down to earth.* Anyway, I must have hit my head or something this summer because now I'm seeing guys I think are cute EVERYWHERE!

*I just thought this picture was funny. It has hardly anything to do with the following post besides mentioning country boys...*

Folks, this is a huge inconvenience. It gets really bad when I'm at my IT job (which is sitting in the library until a student has a question) when I should be studying, but I start watching these handsome guys walking by and I get absolutely nothing done all day.

So, today at work I must have had 3-5 guys come and ask for my help. Well, they had minor problems and I didn't even have to leave my desk to help them. Regardless, they were stinkin' cute and they were wearing Carhartt, Wranglers, and camo to boot! They were also wearing boots but I figured that went without saying. They smiled at me and talked to me like I knew what I was doing and they said please and thank you. I know these are simple things, but this is getting bad. For some reason, I find myself really attracted to country boys. I'm fairly country myself, but there are more to boys than their dress. However, most guys don't dare roll with the country fashion if they aren't actually country boys. Now, this is becoming a more popular "style" but us girls can see straight through them silly city boys.

I'm kinda stereotyping here, but all the boys I've met from the country tend to be well-mannered, polite, kind, and most are not players (minus Country Boy). I'm sure I'm wrong on some of these accounts, but they are my kind of people. I need some mud on my shoes, red dirt decorating my car, and people who know how to hunt/fish/have a proper bonfire! One last thing: SWEET TEA! I need others who can make it right and who like it. I've found so many people who don't like it and I die a little inside each time they say that.

This is just because I found it cute and wanted pictures in this post:

Moral of story: I think my hormones have finally reached my brain, and I mean that in the least technical sense possible because I know that's not how hormones work. Also, being a girl has become hugely inconvenient because I can no longer just be this independent, single person who just so happens to be a girl, I am now learning about attraction. Ugh, somebody pray for me!

Middle-of-Semester Blahs

What a drag the middle of the semester is. Between midterms, projects, and tired teachers, I'm fried. Plus we are having super cold weather here and the sun seems to be always hiding whether I get up before sunrise or go to bed far after it sets. I need some vitamin D!

An interesting thing happened today. Keep in mind that I fight the flu vaccine like nobody's business, except for this year and the next two years due to clinicals. I still want to fight it but I'm not willing to get kicked out of nursing school. So, they have me up against a rock and a hard place and I'm letting them bully me. I'm disappointing myself. Anywho, the manager of my CNA job sent us an article that stated that vaccines are bad and should not be taken because of the aluminum and mercury in them!!! *facepalm* This is the same lady that gets all up in my grill for refusing vaccines on religious grounds. I read this email while at my library IT job and I almost started screaming and punching walls. I texted my mom about it and later called her because this is nonsense. People, if you are in management and you are enforcing something as controversial as flu shots, use some common sense and don't send out an article saying that they are bad. Duh! Man alive, I'm still rialed up about it. That may or may not have been exacerbated by the double espresso mocha coffee I had earlier and the Red Bull I just downed... Doesn't matter though. Yes, I know I get to be a bit much when I get frustrated but I hate when people try to shove something on you and then take it back or provide you with reasons why you shouldn't have done it. Generally I just dislike people telling me what to do if they aren't G-d Himself.

I suppose I'm a bit of a hothead and I need to just calm down and respect those in charge like the Bible says to do. We aren't supposed to roll over and just take what the leaders say though! We can fight and ask them why they want us to do stuff. My goodness, I am just having a hard time coping with this one. I'll post the article later...

What would you do, or what do you do, when your managers/leaders do stuff like this? Do you just suck it up and not think much about it? Do you ask them why they released an article like that for us to read if it contradicts what thy say to us? Do you get angry? Does it even matter?

I'm a fighter. When someone is pushing something on me I won't just take it. I want to know why, how, when, and anything else about it before I accept the change. Even then I am resistant to it. Maybe that's just because I like for things to stay the same all the time. Perhaps it's because I've been burnt far too many times to count by people that were supposed to have my best interest in mind and by people I thought I could trust.

That was my day... How was yours?

Daily Thanksgiving: The teacher that most of the people in my class doesn't like 1) is kind to me, 2) knows my name, 3) has extended grace to me several times. I'm not a teachers pet, but I do talk to her and explain my situation. I like that she knows my name because no teachers ever seem to remember my name, not even when I was in high school. It's likely because I typically don't talk much to teachers or in class, so I'm okay with them not knowing me. However, it's nice to be heard and known sometimes. I am also making loads of friends in the nursing program and I'm starting to remember names!

Tech Support, this is BedpanAlley...

I got to work in one of our academic buildings today after my shift in the library because someone was sick. Guys, I LOVED it! Let's start off by mentioning that I opened as IT support in the library this morning. We had a power surge a few hours after opening and that causes a surprising amount of problems for computers and technology campus-wide. In the library I had a lot of trouble shooting and I thought I broke one of the printers that cost a billion dollars (I'm exaggerating here). It turns out that I didn't, it just needed to be shown who is boss. Well, I just restarted it... After that shift, I went over to our main IT help desk in one of the nearby academic buildings. They were still fixing a lot of problems by the time I left at 4:30 p.m. However, I learned a ton and I got a walkie talkie over there. I missed having a radio from my cashiering job, they really are fun and convenient.

So, my day went really well and I like my boss even more because every time I would ask a question over the radio, he would meet me there without even asking for his help just to make sure that I had help should I need it. He is super nice, nicer than any of my bosses from any previous job. Well, that's not counting the lady I babysit for, or any of the families I have babysat for really because I love them all like they were my own family. I hope I get more training in that IT position so that I can be there next semester. That's how they usually do it, but I just get so excited for it to actually come and I get so excited to learn all this new, great stuff. After days like today, I feel so much smarter but I also realize how much I didn't know and how much there still is to learn. Perhaps someday I can be one of the student managers. Until then, I am content working in the slow-paced library and learning little baby bits over time because if I had many more days like today, my brain may explode from the huge increase in knowledge from class and from work!

That brings me to something I discovered today: I am really strange to those just getting to know me. I had heard it before but never understood the magnitude of my strangeness before today. My boss' wife is a NICU nurse at a local hospital that I had a CNA position offer for so he knows some of the nursing stuff, not much, but a little I think. He asked me how classes were and, being the crazy person that I am, I started telling him about how much fun I had reconstituting the fake powdered medicine in one of my classes and also went on about how I love playing with needles and vials of "medicine." My coworker was also in on the conversation and those two guys just smiled and looked at me like I needed to be locked up and given huge amounts of crazy pills. Maybe it's because my face lights up and I start talking really fast because I'm excited about it, or maybe it's the fact that I told them I love playing with needles. I don't know. I do know, however, that I get this look a lot. I can't help it that I share stuff that excited me about school and I want people to share what they are excited about too. I love when things finally pertain to my career choice and I think it's neat that I can love going to class because of the little things like this that make my week. Perhaps I do need to keep the fact that I love needles on the DL, but for right now, I just can't manage keeping that inside. I bet telling them that I get my blood drawn just to watch the needle go into my arm and to see the blood that used to be inside of me was most likely a tad much. But hey, at least I'm genuine, honest, and excited to be going into nursing. I don't want to be a nurse for the money, 3 work days a week, or for the ability to travel the country for a huge increase in pay. No, I want to be a nurse to care for the sick, injured, and dying in order to help them through this stage in their life with as much dignity and comfort as possible. I want to be a way for G-d's healing and love to reach those who are hurting and in need.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got training for one of the higher IT level positions. I learned a ton and had really nice teachers that called me for help and were patient when I didn't know what to do. I was paired with an amazing student manager who is a great teacher and explained everything with great amounts of grace and patience. (Are you noticing a pattern with the patience?) G-d revealed to me that I am crazy, but it's a good kind of crazy that will give me the purpose I need to continue on as a nurse. I have amazing bosses at my new IT job! That's a big one with me. My mom is also coming down tomorrow for a quick little visit before I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow (more on that later.) We are getting so much rain here it's not even funny. I love the rain though! However, we had several fires this year and a few last year which is causing a lot of problems now that it is raining. So, if we could get prayer that no more people be killed and that no damage is done to the houses in the burn scars, that would be great!




BTW, the title is how we answer the phone. I know I wouldn't have known that so I'm just trying to help you guys out. :)

Studying Abroad?

I recently received an email from my university offering a get-together for those students who want to study abroad. I never thought of myself as someone who wanted to go see the world because I am much too scared of people/travel/kidnappers/murderers/life, but lately I have been wanting to move to Switzerland, New Zealand, Australia, Ireland, Iceland, or some other country once I graduate nursing school, of course. Being a midwife in another country appeals to me because there are so many places that are pro-midwife and don't require stupid immunizations. Now, I know there is a big push for immunizations because they stop disease and prevent unnecessary death and everything, but I don't agree with it being mandatory for everyone. I really don't agree with the preservatives, ingredients, and the excessive amounts of vaccines they are shoving down our throats. I want to go somewhere where the citizens are wanting to live healthier lives, they are encouraged to take health into their own hands using homeopathic remedies instead of chemicals for every sniffle and spot they find whether it is harmful or not. I want to deliver babies in a fashion that resembles the beauty of the old-school method that doesn't require a C-Section or doctors bullying their patients into drugs and surgeries for normal labor and delivery. I need an island by myself because this dream I have is likely unrealistic and I don't know what I'm thinking...

Anyway, I would really love to study in Ireland, New Zealand, Switzerland, or Israel for a summer. Unfortunately, they have no nursing studies, but I could try to go under pre-health and get an internship somewhere. Also, there are no available studies in Israel that I could find! They weren't even on the list, but Hebrew and Jewish studies were on the list. Maybe I will just have to go there on a missions trip instead. The bigger problem with this whole idea) bigger than my fear of everything) is the lack of funding. Not only do I have to find enough money to go on the trip and pay for all related expenses to that, I would need to save up enough money for double my trip time for bills back at home and missed work days. That, my friends, is something they don't tell you you have to save for with these things. So, it possible doubles my fundraising needs just to go somewhere else to attend school for a month. Good news is that it would be about 7-9 credits for 4-6 weeks of school. Is that worth it though? I can take 2 of the week-long interim classes and receive 6 credits for cheaper expenses and less risk of getting kidnapped in a strange country... However, I don't get to see the world. Do I really even want to see the world? My whole thing with traveling is this: Why spend thousands of dollars to go somewhere in the world to look at a tower, temple, museum, etc. when there are pictures and virtual tours? If I go on vacation or travel, I want to go somewhere with a beach; really tasty, kosher, lactose-free food; and super nice people that, at the very least, understand/speak basic English or will teach me their language. I need the traveling to/from that location to be safe and I actually need a really strong, tall, protective husband before I am even comfortable going anywhere else in the world. I saw Taken, and let's be real, I won't survive if I get kidnapped, I'm not strong enough.

School is overwhelming. Pharmacology is kicking my bum and I'm only on the second week of it. However, I believe that G-d will get me through so that I never have to take it again, so long as I work hard and trust Him to fill in all my gaps.

Daily Thanksgiving: work went really well today and I got to answer a lot of questions. It was a slight confidence boost for my IT job. I get to go to church tomorrow night at a college group which I am super excited about. G-d may allow me to study abroad, which would be really fun and exciting and totally out of my norm.

First Day of Nursing School: Successful and Complete!

Last night was stressful, I tell ya. Let me give you some background into my anxiety about today's scheduling...

Yesterday, on my way home from my CNA job, I remembered that I have a new nursing student orientation meeting today after my first/only class of the day. This would not be a problem if I did not have to be at my on-campus IT job 10 minutes after my class lets out. Anyway, I emailed my boss yesterday (Sunday) to ask him if it would be okay if I went to the meeting and I apologized up and down for not telling him sooner but I totally expected him to be upset or give me a guilt trip or something. Instead, I got the nicest email saying that I could go ahead and stay at the meeting and just come into work as soon as it was possible after the meeting! After so many bosses give me guilt trips and everything for stupid things that aren't even my fault, it is so nice to have a boss be okay with my school schedule. I love my new IT job by the way. I sit in the library and monitor the tons of printers we have to make sure that they have toner and paper, but it is all monitored through the computer. So, I don't have to leave the help desk unless something is wrong or if a student/person needs some help. With all of that down time, I have the freedom and opportunity to study or do anything else I need to do during that time, all the while getting paid nearly as much (78 cents less, to be exact) as my high stress, high demand, back-breaking, and mentally taxing CNA job with the geriatric population. How crazy is that?! Plus, I learned that my boss' wife is a NICU nurse at a local hospital. She works on the level III NICU floor (which I don't think I can handle) and I want to be a NICU nurse before getting my Midwife certification.

Anywho, today worked out just fine. I got to go to the nursing school meeting and work went well. My first day is completed and it was a success. My brother also had a good first day and we kinda almost have this carpooling schedule down, or close to coordinated. I'm praying that this week continues to go well and that nursing school is more fun than I am imagining it will be. I am also praying for better grades than the professors make it seem like we will be able to receive... Everything is in the L-rd's hands and I have to trust Him to make me a nurse or lead me down whatever path He has chosen for me. That's scary, but totally necessary.

Random thought: I recently bought some new music as a treat for working 3 doubles, a single, and picking up an additional single (in which I filled the role of 3 CNA's for a couple hours and fought back nasty, nasty anger at the situation) in one week. Getting back from that sidetrack, however, I found a new song that kinda got me thinking. Does it ever seem like G-d is giving you messages through music, friends, common occurrences, etc? This song felt like one of G-d's messages. The song is "Haven't Even Kissed" by Moriah Peters. I like her music, it's fun and filled with messages about G-d. This song, in particular, is one that resonated with me because of my few months of guy "troubles". They probably aren't really troubles, but my mind is perceiving these experiences as negative. So, the song gives me hope and calms my bitter, self-pity because self-pity is a slap in the face to G-d. When we have our pity parties, we might as well tell G-d that we don't believe that He holds our past, present, and future. It is us throwing a fit and convincing ourselves that we somehow deserve more just because we are spoiled brats who are used to getting everything we want or at least hoping to get everything we have ever wanted. How lame is that?! It's awful! Every good thing in our lives comes from the L-rd and we have the audacity to tell G-d that He isn't providing what we want when we want it so our life is not good. I'm sure it even gets worse than that most days. Moral of the story, listen to the song or read the lyrics. If you're like me in my radical dating boundaries, then perhaps it will give you hope and snap you out of any wedding cycle (my made up word, look up my post "Return of My Cynicism" or click the label to take you to the post for the background to this made-up problem) like ruts you may find yourselves in, it certainly helped me a bit.

Daily Thanksgiving: I started legit nursing school today and it was a success! My new boss is super chill and my job is even relaxing compared to being a CNA.

Over Halfway!

I took my "midterm" today for my week-long class and I got a 89%. It seems that I can't break past this B ceiling of test grades lately, but I am very grateful that G-d got me this good grade! I was fearing that I would have done much worse, but there is a really good chance that G-d can get me an A in this class! That would be so nice.

I got my schedule for my 2nd job today and I work Thursday morning (I don't have any class Thursday which is perfect!) for a few hours and then I work Monday afternoon right after my Monday morning class. Hopefully I will be able to study during these shifts, but I'm kinda doubting it. I am just very glad that I do not have to work until midnight because they are open at 7:30 nearly every morning and they don't close until midnight most nights. I don't know why because we are just IT but I'm kinda excited for this job. I go and meet my new boss and another new hire that I will likely be working with. I am so glad that I only have to work 2 extra days a week and I really hope that my grades stay good this year. I am going to try really hard to stay on top of my school work, but I tried that the last 3 semesters of college (all of my college career) and it hasn't really worked completely yet. So, this extra job will either be extra motivation or it will completely sink me and I will have to quit before next semester... We shall see. I am getting better at not procrastinating. It's a slow, painful process, but G-d's bringing me along.




*Disclosure: the following rant may contain content that may make some people uncomfortable because it has to do with the spiritual realm and evil works that we are all currently witnesses to.*

In the meantime, I am trying to finish my homework and studying for my week-long class but my brother is playing this atrocious zombie game. Ugh! It's absolutely disgusting and I can handle barf, poop, bodily fluids, birth, surgery, and bones being sawed! This is just a video game but it is probably one of the most evil things I have ever seen. I am so appalled by the new popular fascination with the "living dead", vampires, ware-wolfs, witches, goblins, warlocks, and demons. Folks, these things are from the Adversary (Satan). Don't kid yourself. Teen girls falling in love with vampires that are hundreds of years old because he is "immortal" is not from G-d. Ware-wolfs and zombies are not holy, in fact, they are very evil. They aren't even original, these themes have been seen before... IN THE BIBLE!!! We are warned about things like these, but they weren't make-believe then and they aren't now. Read Genesis 6:1-8. Nothing is new under the sun and these things that have suddenly grown in popularity should not be taken lightly. Don't play these games, watch the movies, read the books, entertain the ideas, or buy into these lies. If you have, it's not too late, but you have to get rid of the materials and start praying. Get out of it and get it out of your house. Invite G-d in, don't entertain evil because that is just inviting the Adversary. I want to destroy my t.v. and break my brother's game because this zombie game makes me sick to my stomach because it is so full of evil and I am very sensitive to things like this. G-d gave me an extreme sensitivity to Himself and the spiritual stuff going on. That's right, all of the vampire, witch, magic, zombie stuff that is going on is not just man-made, it all has it's roots in the spiritual realm.

Moral of story: think about what you expose yourself to and what you allow your family to be exposed to. Things aren't as they appear and a simple "love" story could have a deeper, very evil meaning.

*End of Rant. The rest of my post is clean.*




Daily Thanksgiving: I got an 89% on my test! I work excellent days this next year and I got another job with IT! I am over halfway through my class and probably closer to 3/4 through it. 1 more day of lectures and 1 day of study/testing and then I am finished. I volunteer to babysit children with special needs on Friday with a bunch of my fellow nursing students of all classes (sophomore, junior, senior classes) and I am very excited! Nursing school starts in 18 days. G-d keeps giving us rain which is such a beautiful thing after all of the fires my state has had already this summer. G-d protected my friends house from any damage from the fire (when we were evacuated). G-d totally convicted me last night of my current overall heart status with James 3-4. Oh golly, He gives me just what I need all the time. Even though it is kinda hard to hear, it's the tough love that let's me know that He is still willing to shape me and fix me to be who He needs me to be. He has also given me more strength to get over this wedding cycle that I have been going through lately (it was slightly self-induced due to the 3 guys who were kinda in my life).

I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna go to bed. Read James 3-4, hopefully it can help you wherever you are in life. Let G-d convict you because we have to be broken before we can be reshaped by Him. It's like muscles. You have to over-work them so they rip (microscopically, a large muscle tear is a serious problem and you should get that looked at...), but G-d created our bodies so that when they are repaired they get bigger and stronger!