Finals Week Is Upon Us

Many of you out there are aware that it is finals week. Whether you are in school currently or not, it's all over my Facebook and I hope I'm not the only one. Due to this dreadful week, I have good news and bad news. Ready?

Bad:
I got a 76% on my pharmacology math final. That is because I did it mostly by hand and I'm sure my math was incorrect. So, I get a B- for that class. Moral of the story: before taking a math exam, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PENCILS AND CALCULATOR IN BACKPACK/BAG!!! They were conveniently situated on my bedside table at home when I arrived at the final. Terrible, terrible day. I hate getting a bad grade when I knew the material but forgot my tools at home. Totally my bad, but it suck all the same.

I was unable to bring my Patho grade up beyond a B-. Again, my bad for slacking the first part of the semester.

Basic assessment class finishes with a B- due to unknown circumstances. Really, I had no idea what was going on in that course and we were not tested on anything that we were taught... I have good news about this class later.

I'm an all around grump for being mere fractions of percentages away from a straight up B but couldn't break through. That's so frustrating!

Good:
While I am disappointed with my Basic Assessment class overall, I did get a 90% on the final and a 99% on my final assessment evaluation! The teacher originally marked me as 100% because I think she likes me for some reason, but I admitted that I forgot one part so she took a point back. Still, I am so very pleased with that grade!!!

I got a B in Pharmacology! A 92% on my final made sure that I not only passed but I got a B instead of a C or that dreaded B-! Praise the L-rd for getting me through that class and giving me a gracious teacher that pretty much gave us a play-by-play study guide so we could rock the final. Plus, she let us use our books on the test before this. G-d certainly had his hand on my in that class because that was my most difficult one.

In my Foundations course, we have a final worth 10% of our overall grade, but even if I don't take it, I can get a solid B. I may not even show up tomorrow. Well, maybe I ought to, just so I know that I worked to try to get at least one A this semester. Sheesh, it's so disappointing to know that I will never be a 4.0 student EVER in my nursing school career, but hey, by the grace of G-d I may just graduate and pass the NCLEX. That, plus a caring heart and maybe a couple other things, will allow me to pursue my dream to become a full-fledged nurse. Mainly, that's what I want. The OCD side of me, though, wanted a 4.0. Unfortunately, that didn't even happen my first semester... Oh well.

Finally, I PASSED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF NURSING SCHOOL!!! Most people say it gets slightly easier after this because we are building on this first semester knowledge. I sure hope so.

Thanksgiving is Coming! And so is Channukah!!!

First of all, I have heard that there is no official spelling of Hanukkah so people go nuts with it. Therefore, I thought this was appropriate. It also made me have a laughing spell on one of my bad days.

Along that line, I found this list

• Chanuka
• Chanukah
• Chanukkah
• Channukah
• Hanukah
• Hannukah
• Hanukkah
• Hanuka
• Hanukka
• Hanaka
• Haneka
• Hanika
• Khanukkah

Will they ever have an official spelling and make life easier on us? Or will they allow those of us that cannot spell anyway continue to struggle with the self consciousness of no specific answer? Likely the latter because it's been probably centuries and still nothing.

I got off subject there but Hanuka/Chanuka/Hanicka/etc. begins Wednesday night and the first full day is on Thanksgiving! That makes me happy because last year is started during finals week and I didn't get to be with my family, I could not have fire/candles in the dorms, and I was stressed with a bunch of tests.

Also, on Friday, I took my open book Pharm test after being thoroughly frightened about my well-being in that class. Praise the L-rd, I estimate about an 88% plus/minus a few points because there are some questions that my professor still has to grade and there are some she was saying she was going to throw out. L-rd willing, he will give me a high enough grade on our last test so that I can pass the class and get on with my life!

On Friday, I went out with one of my gal friends to a new hunting store in our area. It was fun and I ran into my friend that I stayed with over the summer. Country boy grew up with her and that is why we stayed at his house during the fire. I confessed that he had been texting me and I gave her the background of how I thought he was playing me and another girl. She informed me that he was doing some unsavory things with girls lately. Since she has told me that, I have been racking my brain with various scenarios where I "go off" on him, but I have decided that 1) I'm not strong/brave enough to do that, 2) it would not be respectful, and 3) he would likely yell back at me (over text) while not learning anything or changing anything for the next girl(s). I have, however, decided to trust the Holy Spirit in His warnings to me to not go out with him, not even as friends. I will break this off and find some what to tell him no gently but while still letting him know why. This will be tough.

 I'm not really going to shoot him or hurt him in anyway, these just seemed fitting and they give me encouragement.


Well, I better go listen to my patho lecture. Right now I'm slacking and totally zoning out during patho. C'mon folks! (Not you, the college schedule deciders.) It's two days before Thanksgiving break, why do we even have class?!

There's No Winning In Nursing School

Between stress, lack of time, constant studying, and teachers who are fresh out of school themselves, there is essentially no winning in nursing school.

I've heard that the first semester is the hardest and I pray that this is true! I studied for a long time for patho and G-d blessed me with an 86%. That's pretty good, but it used to be enough studying to get an A. I studied for about 8 hours for my basic health exam, which our professor did not prepare us for at all because she is still a really new teacher and makes her tests right before we take them (so she has no way of knowing what to teach us), and I got a 73%.

Now, I'll admit, I did not study as hard as I needed to. That's on me. However, I am so tired from all of these teachers experimenting on us and not teaching anything that they test on. Seriously! This particular teacher does not like lectures so she keeps them under 20 minutes (well, she tries). The rest of class is spent doing group projects and having us "teach" our fellow classmates what is in the book. It is NOT working, at all!!! She doesn't put any of the useful information in the power points and she doesn't write the test until a few days before we have to take it. I'm trying to have grace and stick up for her with my fellow frustrated classmates, but I'm getting so overwhelmed and frustrated. Plus, she teaches two classes that I'm taking and we have a comprehensive exam in both. Her exams are notoriously known for taking the most abstract, random information from the books that no one knows because it's based on a total of 3 words, and she tests on that tiny little blurb. It's not even a blurb! It's 3 tiny words that barely make a phrase and that's what she tests on. Even with an open book test, there would be no way to pass these exams.

My friends warned me about this test, they said it was rough. They were right. They also said that, even with the book and notes, the pharm test is ridiculous. I'm so overwhelmed and nervous I can't even function properly. I don't know how I'm going to get through this nonsense just to make it to clinicals. Right now, I am very worried that I will not pass pharm or basic health. These are not supposed to be easy classes, but so many R.N.'s have laughed in my face and told me that these are some of the easiest classes because it's just wrote (is this the correct word?) memorization. Well, both of these classes have brand new teachers who haven't fully gotten their teaching legs yet and I'm not super great at memorization. Guys, what if I get a terrible grade, like anything below an 86%, and I don't get enough on the final so then I don't pass the course? Then what?

"Cast your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

This is my motto...

"Don't fear, because I am with you; don't be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will surely help you; I will hold you with my righteous strong hand." Isaiah 41:10

I know I've heard this one a lot...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

This is probably one of the most commonly used verses. I get it, don't worry...



Still, even with these verses, I have such a hard time living by them and giving my worry to G-d. How to I just give it up and not worry about stuff? How do you hand it over and let "tomorrow worry about tomorrow?"

Guys, I think I'm having a panic attack.

Can someone explain this to me? Will G-d get me into clinicals with my cohort or will I be held back a semester?

I'm not doing well today. It started off okay but quickly took a turn for the worse. I think I'm going to set up an appointment with the school counseling center tomorrow because this is getting to where I can't control it again.

That brings up a whole new issue. Does going to a psychiatrist/counselor mean that I'm taking my depression/anxiety into my own hands instead of releasing it fully to G-d? Or, is this preparing me and using the resources He has supplied me with? Ahhhh! my attack is getting worse just because now I'm confused. I think I better go try to sleep it off and face tomorrow when I get to tomorrow.

Lost My Motivation...

Let's start off with some good news: My pharmacology teacher, after weeks of saying we would not be able to do it, sent out an email this morning saying that we could use our books on our upcoming test!!! My heart swelled and I am so relieved because I need at least a B, but I'm hoping for an A. Praise the L-rd! He answered my prayer to let us use our books.

Today I texted country boy first because I figured I would see if he would keep the conversation going. Not so much. He has asked me if we can hang out though...

I took my patho test and felt better than I've ever felt about one of these tests before. That also scares me, though, because sometimes that means that I made silly mistakes and didn't do as well as I had hoped. I'll let you guys know how I did when the scores are posted.



Well, I should be studying for my other two tests (of 3) I have this week. I had 5.5 hours today to study. I read Gathering Blue instead. (You should look into reading that book, btw. It is part of a 4 book "series." They don't really go fully together, but they are very interesting. They are written by Lois Lowry and the series starts with The Giver.) Now, I have a few more hours to study yet I'm watching t.v., texting country boy, and now writing this post. Folks, I lost my motivation.

I'm going to go look for it...

Study Break

Hey guys! I haven't been on here for what seems like a really long time. I have been studying and trying to figure out life. School is going somewhat better, but not by much.

Friday I went in to meet with my pharmacology teacher. That didn't really help at all. I'm so frustrated in that class and I'm so scared I'm not going to pass! I really need for G-d to allow me to remember everything I need to know for the next two tests so that I can get A's on them, or at least B's to pass the class.

In happier news, I got 100% on my pop quiz in Patho and I got a 90% on my other scheduled quiz for that same class. Praise the L-rd! Normally I get D's or F's on both of these types of quizzes, but G-d gave me good grades on these two and it brought my grade up considerably. That was a weight off.

Also, on Friday, I went out to coffee with my mentor. She confessed that she has been struggling with depression and I was able to tell her about my history and current bout with it. Then, in church this weekend, the pastor talked about depression! G-d must have needed me to hear about it or something because He usually has echoing lessons when He really needs me to get it. Well, I think I got it. Also, I feel like I've gotten somewhat "healed" of my current state of depression. It's only been 2.5 days, but I'm lighter and able to think more clearly. We will see when the pressures of life start to increase again, but for now I'm feeling a little better.

Country boy hadn't texted me for about a week and a half and then texted me tonight. Why tonight? I have three tests coming up this week, 1 of which I have to get a B on in order to pass and the other ones I'm feeling better about but still have so much to study! I've decided to not text him back unless he keeps the conversation going because I don't have the time, patience, or energy for this nonsense. Curious about tonight's conversation?

Him: "Hey"

Me: "Hey how's life?"

Him: "Decent, watching the game"

Seriously? Seriously. That's it. That is all that was written and that is likely how it will stay. This is a new boundary for me because normally I will keep asking questions. I will dig for conversation and try to be as polite as possible to keep being able to let us have something to talk about. Not tonight! I am not going to be some person's "texting buddy" if they have nothing to say. I have tried to start the conversation with him many times and he is still disinterested so I'm not doing it any longer.  This is so silly for so many reasons. 1) We don't really know each other over texting or in "real" life. 2) We don't have much to talk about. 3) He always seems disinterested and does not contribute to the conversation or the continuation of said conversation. Therefore, I am done. I will give him the short answers he gives me and that will be the end of it. Maybe one day I will have the guts to ask him what we are doing and why. Today, however, it has taken a significant amount of guts and self determination to ignore the text because the conversation hit a dead end.

Tonight I also went out to study with my friends for our patho test tomorrow. After that, I'm even more scared about the patho exam. Normally I do okay just studying on my own and I think I need to go back to that for patho because they over think everything. They are preparing for a test that is way harder than our professor usually gives us and it confused the day lights out of my. So, for patho, I will continue to study alone.

Daily Thanksgiving: Sleep is coming soon. G-d gave me good grades in patho last week. I am learning to set my boundaries and I'm excited to finally practice having my say and standing up for myself. Also, I will be able to stand up for myself in a less threatening manner because I never see country boy, we only text each other. I am motivated to start studying for pharm and have started partially. I have also been studying for patho for about a week and a half as apposed to the normal day or two of cramming and it seems to be paying off. My depression may be subsiding. I received prayer and now have someone I can talk to about it because I didn't know who to talk to before. G-d answered my prayer to have someone to confess my depression to and someone who would understand me and be able to pray with me. That was huge.

Goin' Out With My Boots On

Well, I went out last night, with my boots on. Unfortunately, they are not Western boots not work boots (like in the song). They were just plain, black boots. But I went out last night with a bunch of my friends from last year. We were celebrating one of their birthdays and so we all met at a brewery. No, none of us are old enough to drink, but they have really good food and they make their own cream soda and root beer which, I was told, is delicious. Normally, when I go out with a large group of friends, I sit at end, but not at the foot or head of the table. Last night I sat smack dab in the middle and had so much fun! I don't think I've laughed so hard in months. Plus, they understand me. They know my quirks, they get excited when I get excited about something I'm sharing, and they understand my weird story telling, and they love me anyway. They also know that I don't like gossiping so they refrain from in even though there was some drama last night between my guy friends and the girl that used to like one of them. I've told you about it. The girl showed up at dinner and the boys came and I was scared she hadn't gotten invited. Then I was scared that it would be awkward. I didn't feel the tension, but I may have just been so happy to see everyone I didn't pay attention. Whatever, we got through the night.

Long story short, I prayed for more friends. G-d gave me a night out with my old friends. I feel much better now.

Also, I have a Pharm test today. I've been studying here and there all week, but still don't think I've really gotten anywhere. Oy, this is frustrating. It seems like I do so much work, but then I don't know any of the material or drugs. Then I take the test and get bad grades but I don't know how to get better grades. I have to bring up my Pharm and Patho grades because I am scared I'm going to flunk out of this program in the first semester. I wouldn't be able to handle myself if I did.

Well, I had been feeling like I was finally getting this nursing school thing down, I don't anymore. I was thinking that my feelings of overwhelming, impending doom was barreling towards me were beginning to go away. They aren't, I had just misplaced them but have recently rediscovered that they have gotten stronger. My episodes of random "bad" days where nothing really goes wrong but it all feels bad, were subsiding. Those, too, have come back in full force. Ugh! How do I go on in school if I can hardly make it through each day? Should I go talk to my professors? Can/will they even help?

I guess I will go talk to them. Even if it doesn't help, at least I will go down fighting.

I still need more friends and more nights like last night.


In other news, I got to palpate edema in my friends legs because she had been standing all day (she is the friend I met in the dorms last year who is now in the nursing program with me. We're pretty tight now.) I also got to help our waitress who has an ear infection and my friends introduced me and the other nursing student as nursing students last night. It was a pretty proud moment even though I still don't "feel" like a student nurse. So, that was the cherry on top of last nights momentary bliss.

Call-offs

Today we had a no-call, no show. Guess who it was! Ya, it was the girl that was supposed to be my partner. Praise the L-rd that the night shift girl had all pts up, except for 4-5 that I helped get up. I also got to work with one of the nicest, fastest girls that we have, so that made the day better.

For all of you, whether you are in the medical field or not, do you have people that insist on treating you like you have no clue of what's going on? I understand when people are giving me advice, tips, and letting me know what I missed. However, there are always nurses that talk to me like I have no idea what's going on and it makes me a little upset. It makes me think that I'm incompetent or something, because they correct my every move and jump in to take care of my residents even though I could have totally handled it. I am also quite tired of people calling off because they tend to not be sick, they just didn't want to come in or they forgot. I know, sometimes people really do mess up and forget to come in, or the schedule is messed up, or they get sick. I get that. But last night we had 4 call off's. Folks, our facility has a maximum of 10 cna's at any one given time during the day or evening shift so to have 4 call-offs is crazy because we are missing half of our staff.

So, before you call in "sick" to work, 1) make sure that you're really sick, contagious, and darn near incapable of any level of functioning due to some bacterial or viral invader. 2) if you aren't really sick, make sure that your unwillingness to come in isn't going to cause any undue stress on your fellow employees because the truth will come out and it will spread among us faster than wildfire. I don't know how info spreads so fast when none of the cna's really work with each other, but there is a ridiculous amount of knowledge/rumors spread through minimal contact between the employees. 3) don't be suprised when you have a terrible day because someone decides to call off and leave you alone with 16 residents that require 24/7 attention. It's brutal and a very cruel punishment.

That's all the venting I have about work. I put in my "2 months" unofficial notice and applied to over 10 jobs with the nearby hospitals. The more I go to my current CNA job, the less I am able to tolerate all of the residents, the families, and the nurses yelling at me constantly. Nobody seems to realize that they can do the simple things they ask me to do. Nor do they realize that I am one person, who is bottom of the food chain, and I am responsible for 16 other people at any given time. I don't get paid enough for the abuse inflicted upon me by residents, let alone the families and management.

Halloween is quickly approaching. With it comes the couples costumes, scary shows, horror films, and evil looking decorations and masks. I don't tolerate this season well, especially now that I am an adult. I thought it would have gotten easier with time, but no...

Daily Thanksgiving: Work is done for today and I only have one more shift next week before two weeks off. I am actually studying... a week before my pharm test instead of the day before or the day of! I'm praying that G-d let's the info get soaked into my brain so that I can get an A because I'm putting a lot of work into studying this time (besides the little break I'm taking to write this.) Today without country music was easier. I have my days, but today was a better day breaking that addiction. I get to go to bed soon and I don't have to be a CNA tomorrow!

Good night y'all. Ttyl. I hope you sleep well and I hope life is going well. If not, praise G-d and learn from it. If it is, praise G-d and enjoy the peace because, let's face it, peace hardly lasts for long in this life. :)

Not much happenin'

I bought Pitch Perfect. If you haven't seen it, definitely consider watching it because I find it hilarious! Especially the really quiet girl because she always says the funniest things. My favorite is when she says, "I set fires to feel joy," to a boy and he says, "that's adorable!" I love that part because I like fire and everyone always looks at me weird when I say that. I like controlled fires and not destructive fire so candles and bonfires.

Unfortunately, there is a love story tied into the main storyline... The guy is pretty darn cute and the girl that he is diggin' is really pretty and she looks just like one of my friends. In fact, she likes music and works in the radio station just like my friend! It's wild.

Last night my parents called to talk to my brother and I. For some reason, I found myself confessing to my mom that I need more friends, hopefully people that are more like me yet not in the nursing program. Before that confession, I didn't even really realize that I needed more friends. However, I was home, on a Friday night, by 7:45 p.m. Guys, I'm doing college wrong because I don't even get invited out and I have no one to invite out so that we can do things together. My mom told me to go join a club or two. 1) I'm pretty lame for being a sophomore and having to ask my mom how to make friends... 2) I don't have the time between two jobs, time that I try to study, and class times. 3) I don't really have any skills, talents, or real hobbies that have been turned into clubs. So, that's cool. Any ideas?

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go to church today and we had baptisms! I work tomorrow and next week Sunday and then I have the chance to not sign up for more shifts so I can take a break from that job because I dread going into work now. My friend suggested a new way to study for pharm that may very well help me! I really hope that it helps me because I do not want to flunk out of nursing school, nor do I want to have to take this class again because that would be highly unfortunate. My hair is curly! It's always been kinda curly, but it's a weird curl. Recently, I found Herbal Essence's curling moose and gel. Ya, it works. I love my curly hair and I've gotten so many compliments. I finally purchased Pitch Perfect. I'm able to hear from G-d again.  I was walking away from Him, which is probably what was causing much of my depression, because He has always been my go-to. Over the past few months, I've become more dependent on myself instead of relying on Him and so I lost His voice (usually consisting of Him bringing up topics in my life and giving me scriptures that allow me to "see" what He wants me to know from Him.) So, I've recently gotten His voice back, slowly but surely. I keep getting verses that are concerning, but L-rd willing, He will reveal what He means so that I'm not here freaking out. I'm really hoping that it isn't bad like it seems like they are...

Meanwhile, boys are becoming more attractive and I'm becoming increasingly concerned. Girls, I don't know how you handle this because I'm getting more and more distracted and I find myself daydreaming and glimpsing at cute guys all day. Is it because I'm surrounded by girls constantly? Is it because my brain is finally maturing to the level that everyone else my age is already at?

Guys, I have been studying you for sometime. Recently, this question popped into my head: What makes you like a girl in the first place? It seems like many guys go after girls that are pretty and typically at their "level" of attractiveness. After they find a pretty girl, then they start to pursue her and get to know her. Sometimes they go after friends but that seems to happen after they have been rejected by several other girls that they have unsuccessfully tried to pursue. Can any guys out there explain some of this to me? If you are willing to enlighten me on this matter, you can private message/email me and I would so appreciate it!

Pharmacology Frustrations

Pharmacology is destroying me!  I know that it is a lot of work, but I don't think I can rise to the occasion and survive in this class. I am pretty sure I just got a D on my last test. How am I supposed to memorize every MOA, dosage, side effect, implication, teaching point, drug category, and everything else about every single drug ever created and currently used?

I get into this dangerous mindset of frustration with my teacher because this is her first year teaching and last year's teacher was amazing. Last year, students could use notes and books to do their quizzes and tests. The teacher taught so that the students understood what they needed to know and I have heard that lectures were full of interesting stories to help students remember the drugs.

This year, we get out after an hour (the class is scheduled for three) because our teacher just reads the power points. We are taking quizzes every week that most people report to be failing. Then, her tests seem to come out of nowhere because she is taking the questions from the test banks that come with the book. Maybe it's just because I'm not great at memorizing and I get frustrated when I get bad grades. I know that bad grades are my fault because I should have studied more. Still, I very much dislike that I hear all these great things about pharm last year from my friends who had last year's teacher and now I have to have a teacher who doesn't know what she's doing and so she is asking so much of us that really seems unreasonable.

New teachers are frustrating for me. I had a new A&P teacher last year who said one thing and did another. This year, my Pharm teacher does the same thing. Neither one knows what they are doing when they are teaching the class. Also, one of my teachers that teaches 2 other classes was new last year and is still trying things out. She too says one thing in class and does something entirely different. It doesn't seem like I'm getting the quality education that I am paying for and it doesn't seem like I'm learning the way I need to be learning. New teachers required the students to teach them how to teach us. This is so frustrating because the teachers feel like they know what they are doing because they got the Master's or Doctorate Degree. That's not how it works.

For those of you who are nurses out there or who are going through nursing school, how do you study for pharmacology? What did your teacher do that helped/hindered your learning? How do I survive this class?

Sorry for the meltdown rant. I don't know how I am ever going to get through this semester because this is ridiculous! It also seems like this whole post negates what I said about talking nice about people. I'm a hypocrite... I considered not posting this, but it's real and I don't want to seem "holier than thou" because I do get frustrated with people. I get irrationally angry and I vent.

Today is not one of my good days. It didn't start well and it's getting worse due to my bad grade on the test and the fact that I have to go to Pharm today. Days like this make me wish that 1) I could be a nurse already, 2) I would have been able to go through this program last year or preferably the year before, 3) I had a boyfriend, and 4) that I was smarter and better at studying. My stomach hurts from all the worrying and I keep bursting out in tears for no reason. The life has been sucked out of me and hopelessness is now a constant state of mind. I don't know what to do and I just want to shut down.

Overloaded = Emotional Meltdown

You know how last week was awful for me? That terribleness couldn't be fit into just one week so it is spilling out into this week as well! Joy.

Recap of last week: Patho pop quiz: 50%. BHA pop quiz: 0% (because I was late to class) then I retook it to receive a whopping 20%. Pharm Math and Foundations of Nursing went off without a hitch. Then, Pharmacology... I had to take a test in that class that got me a 76%. Finally, one last Patho quiz: 63%. I know, why did I have to take 2 Patho quizzes in one week? I have no clue! But in addition to those two "fun" quizzes, I also had an exam today. Man, this lady loves piling on all the quizzes and exams onto a weeks calendar, doesn't she? Good news about the exam, G-d gave me an 81% (higher than the class average, finally!) after only studying for about 8 hours. I was so nervous but G-d gave me an amazing grade, considering my sleep deprivation and lack of preparation, and He brought my total class grade from a D to a 79%! Hey, that's almost a B, folks, which turns out to be a really good grade from this teacher because she is tough and Patho is rough!

Today, on a totally unrelated note, I keep running into my friends from the past. I ran into one of my closest guy friends from last year. We've kept in touch so it wasn't weird to see him, it was actually nice to be able to have something be "normal" again. Then I was sitting outside when a guy from a party I went to freshman year of high school saw me and came to say hey. I didn't really know him, but we had Psych last semester. He's really nice, a pre-med student, and he lives in the town my uncle lives in (where my dad grew up). Him and the friend he was with (who I met for the first time today) both volunteer with my uncle for the volunteer fire department. It's weird when people know my family and I get referred to as, "so-and-so's niece/daughter/granddaughter/etc." Don't you feel strange when people introduce you or remember you as someone's sister/brother, daughter/son, grandkid, etc? Then, I saw one of my other guy friends from last year. We sat and talked for awhile, but I really need to work on my conversation skills. What do people ever talk about? What is the point of small talk? It seems like such a waste of time and energy...

Anyone else having meltdowns/psychotic breaks/crying fits?

Short Story

Okay, I know I'm ridiculously wordy and I think that is because I don't know what info to include in stories and what to leave out. So, I am going to try to make this a short post/story today. Ready?

My week: Pop quiz in Patho and in BHA. Got 50% on Patho pop quiz and 20% on BHA's. Pharm test and Patho quiz due today, both online. Study for 3 days. Pharm test completed with at least 6 wrong (more to be graded by prof.), lowest figured grade is C. Patho quiz = 19/30. I QUIT!!! What was I thinking?

Studying Abroad?

I recently received an email from my university offering a get-together for those students who want to study abroad. I never thought of myself as someone who wanted to go see the world because I am much too scared of people/travel/kidnappers/murderers/life, but lately I have been wanting to move to Switzerland, New Zealand, Australia, Ireland, Iceland, or some other country once I graduate nursing school, of course. Being a midwife in another country appeals to me because there are so many places that are pro-midwife and don't require stupid immunizations. Now, I know there is a big push for immunizations because they stop disease and prevent unnecessary death and everything, but I don't agree with it being mandatory for everyone. I really don't agree with the preservatives, ingredients, and the excessive amounts of vaccines they are shoving down our throats. I want to go somewhere where the citizens are wanting to live healthier lives, they are encouraged to take health into their own hands using homeopathic remedies instead of chemicals for every sniffle and spot they find whether it is harmful or not. I want to deliver babies in a fashion that resembles the beauty of the old-school method that doesn't require a C-Section or doctors bullying their patients into drugs and surgeries for normal labor and delivery. I need an island by myself because this dream I have is likely unrealistic and I don't know what I'm thinking...

Anyway, I would really love to study in Ireland, New Zealand, Switzerland, or Israel for a summer. Unfortunately, they have no nursing studies, but I could try to go under pre-health and get an internship somewhere. Also, there are no available studies in Israel that I could find! They weren't even on the list, but Hebrew and Jewish studies were on the list. Maybe I will just have to go there on a missions trip instead. The bigger problem with this whole idea) bigger than my fear of everything) is the lack of funding. Not only do I have to find enough money to go on the trip and pay for all related expenses to that, I would need to save up enough money for double my trip time for bills back at home and missed work days. That, my friends, is something they don't tell you you have to save for with these things. So, it possible doubles my fundraising needs just to go somewhere else to attend school for a month. Good news is that it would be about 7-9 credits for 4-6 weeks of school. Is that worth it though? I can take 2 of the week-long interim classes and receive 6 credits for cheaper expenses and less risk of getting kidnapped in a strange country... However, I don't get to see the world. Do I really even want to see the world? My whole thing with traveling is this: Why spend thousands of dollars to go somewhere in the world to look at a tower, temple, museum, etc. when there are pictures and virtual tours? If I go on vacation or travel, I want to go somewhere with a beach; really tasty, kosher, lactose-free food; and super nice people that, at the very least, understand/speak basic English or will teach me their language. I need the traveling to/from that location to be safe and I actually need a really strong, tall, protective husband before I am even comfortable going anywhere else in the world. I saw Taken, and let's be real, I won't survive if I get kidnapped, I'm not strong enough.

School is overwhelming. Pharmacology is kicking my bum and I'm only on the second week of it. However, I believe that G-d will get me through so that I never have to take it again, so long as I work hard and trust Him to fill in all my gaps.

Daily Thanksgiving: work went really well today and I got to answer a lot of questions. It was a slight confidence boost for my IT job. I get to go to church tomorrow night at a college group which I am super excited about. G-d may allow me to study abroad, which would be really fun and exciting and totally out of my norm.