Serious Struggles = Breakdown on Phone with Mother

Guys I was having a rough 24 hours yesterday. Actually, it all happened in about 18 hours, but whatever.

About a week and a half ago (on a Friday) I get a call to say that I don't have to work Sunday. They call me back the following Friday to say, "Hey, you have to come in now." Nobody asked if I had plans or studying or anything else going on since they gave me the day off. So, naturally, I steamed about it for a few days and went in anyway. Work was fine but I was the only float for all 4 courts so I was bounced around pretty heavily all night. Then, I got to go home. By the time I walked into my apartment door it was 10 p.m. and I had loads of homework to do.

Now, let me remind you that the facility recently changed their key policy from allowing every employee to have their own set of keys, to now requiring you to check keys out because they took them away from us. Why? A power trip by a whole set of new managers. As part of this policy, if you forget to check your keys back in and put them in the box, you have to drive all the way back to work to return to them before you get written up.

Guess what I found in my pocket as I was taking off my shoes at home? You guessed it you smart person! I found my keys. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I think I probably would have punch a hole in the wall because I was livid. Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. I was mad at myself for being so stupid for not returning my keys and I was even angrier at the facility and manager who thought this stupid policy would be a good idea.

So, a 30 minuted drive there and back later, I had cooled off slightly. G-d, in His infinite love and kindness, allowed me to hit all green lights even when other cars were waiting at intersections and nobody was traveling the way I was. He allowed me to be irrationally angry at a situation that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things and even helped me to cool down. He also kept me from the millions of cops that I saw because I was speeding a bit due to the rage boiling over inside of me. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by how G-d's worked in my life than I was that night.

After about 3 hours of homework, I woke up asleep at my computer. 5 hours later, I'm being woken up by about 12 alarms distributed throughout my room to ensure that I do, in fact, wake up and don't sleep through them. Went to class, no big deal.

Then, at my IT job, everything that could go wrong did. I rode on the elevator to the wrong floor while trying to take a computer to a teacher. That computer didn't work so I called my partner but accidentally ended up calling my boss. I ran upstairs, grabbed another one, took the stupid elevator again and went to the wrong floor, AGAIN! At some point I had to reimage a computer. Each time, it takes 30 minutes, and I had to do it twice because I thought I did it wrong. After talking to my partner, he confirmed it. (It turns out that computer was just broken too, so that made me feel a little bit better, but it was a whole day after that incident.)

So, after all of that nonesense, I went home and called my mom instead of going to the gym. We talked about my dating policies because I have recently been reconsidering my kissing thing but I don't know if that's just because I'm listening to country music or if it's because G-d is testing me or maybe He didn't even encourage me to make that policy. I don't know. So, we talked about her experiences and I asked questions I never thought I would ask ever, let alone to my mom... At some point I broke down and she encouraged me to have a boyfriend "just because they're fun and it would help you to understand more social cues." Seriously, that's what she said. We all know I'm not developed past a 5th grade social status, but I don't know that jumping into a random relationship would help that any.

The reason that came up though, is because I had breakfast with my best friend. This best friend is the same one that asked me out last year. I hadn't seen him in several months and when I did it was weird because he and my other friend were unpleased with each other so then I felt like I was running interference. But my crush that had been so difficult to get over suddenly hit me like a train at dinner. It was so weird. Plus, the waitress thought we were dating so she only gave us one ticket and he paid for me and that was really weird for me. So I brought all that to my mom and that made me start crying because I don't know what's happening. When I don't know what's happening in my own head/heart, I freak out and seriously question all of my life decisions.

Lately, G-d keeps showing me blog posts and random articles through Facebook, or some really unexpected places, about dating through a G-dly person's perspective. One such article can be found here. I strongly suggest that you read it because I thought I was some independent, strong-willed girl that didn't listen to Hollywood's fairy tales and the silliness that Disney movies try to feed us about "love". Turns out that I'm influenced heavily and it is not allowing me to hear G-d's voice about what He wants for me as a person that can potentially date. For now, I'm throwing out all of my past rules and I'm starting from scratch with what I pray is G-d's voice, ONLY. I guess we'll see where that leads because I'm totally in the dark. Also, it's making me freak out a bit more, but it's not as unsettling because I know G-d is in control and I'm not holding on for dear life. It's a faith exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I went to the gym a lot last week and got down to 5 pound lost total so far. This week, however, is not fairing so well with the exercising establishment because I'm plumb exhausted and a bit lazy this week. Hopefully I will find some motivation to go to the gym again. I'm getting better at distance running for longer times and also faster running. It makes me feel to much better to go do something that makes me sweat and gets my anxiousness out in a more productive way that causing me heart palpitations and mild panic attacks.

I think that's all I have for now. I should probably go study...

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d totally understands me even in my irrational anger. He is changing me for the better and stretching me in ways I didn't think were possible. I've lost 5 pounds and feel a bit better about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to run a whole mile in under 8 minute.

Good News

Y'all, I have some good news... I got an 86% on my chem test and I did not fail it! Bad news is I will probably only be able to pass the class with a B and not an A, but I didn't fail my test and I will, L-rd willing, pass this class.

I am so ready to be done with school, it's exhausting being stressed out all the time! On the bright side, I was so frustrated with school, life, and my poor life-decisions that I decided to go to the gym. That lead to an hour and a half on the treadmill. Now, I still only walk, I didn't run today or do the elliptical, but I'm getting better every time I go to the gym. I just have to tackle the elliptical and then the stair stepper, then I should be on track to continue working out.

Tomorrow I get to go home to celebrate my parents 19th wedding anniversary. They got married a few weeks after I was born which is why their anniversary is so close to my birthday and also why there is a similarity in the numbers... But they have stayed together for a long time, especially for people who hardly knew each other when they got married. That's the funny thing about life though, you never really know anyone, plus they are always changing anyway so you will never fully know anyone.

Guys, did you watch Duck Dynasty? Tonight's season finale was hilarious! I love that show so much! These guys remind me of my dad's friends, and the parties they used to throw, and me hanging out with their sons, getting into mischief. I was just another one of the guys, but a girl... We had a blast though. Anyway, watch the show and laugh a lot because it releases endorphins or something and cuts down on stress hormones. I feel better from my tough week. Only a little better, but it's better all the same.


Daily Thanksgiving: I got a B on my chem test so I didn't fail it. I got to watch Duck Dynasty. My tests are over, until finals week. I got a few opportunities to house sit this summer, down close the the community college I'm going to for micro so I can save on rent. I made my back-up schedule for next fall. G-d is allowing me to get good grades. While they may not be the A's I'm hoping for, He is still providing for me to get good grades even though I have not been studying like I should have been. I am very thankful to be a child of the One True G-d and He provides for me in ways I could not even imagine.

Continuation

I tried to find a word different than update because it seems I use that word ("update") in a lot of my blog titles... so I chose continuation, but it doesn't really make sense...

Anywho, I haven't done a whole lot with my day. I went to English without my completed paper, but my teacher didn't seem to care. Then I had chem lab and I got so embarrassed! So my lab partner and I are always the last people because we are always messing around and talking. Then my lab instructor came over to see if we were doing alright and they started joking around about how funny it would be if I ever cursed anybody out or yelled at them because I have a fairly high-pitched, soft voice. I turned all sorts of red! Then I got redder because I was embarrassed that I was blushing which made the whole situation worse. Whatever, it was pretty funny. Now I am the Hulk with an anger problem in chem lab... Haha, at least we have a good time.

Also, I got to work-out today!!! I ran for a whole 5 minutes and burned about 250 calories by running that little bit and walking. That's not bad. I know it takes a whole lot more calorie burning to actually lose weight, but I just do cardio to burn energy so I can sleep better and do something besides sit in my room. Maybe tomorrow I will conquer the stair stepper, or probably an elliptical first because stairs kill and I need to climb 2600+ stairs to start to train for the stair hike. That's a lot of stairs! But, I have rarely had goals that I actually go through on, but I really want to do this so that I am not the slowest person who keeps their whole group waiting for an hour. It's also good because I used to be the chubby kid in class. I was called fat repeatedly by different groups of kids in different grades and schools. Now, for the first time I am comfortable (kind of) with where I am and I am finally starting to enjoy exercise, not as a weight loss campaign that I get on a month before the pool opens, but as something that makes me feel good. Nobody is pushing me but myself and if I want to run, I run. If I just want to talk, that's all I do. This is a big step for me because I usually resist exercise because I was forced onto diets as an elementary and middle school student because I hated the way I looked. G-d is showing me the beauty in my curves and He is also teaching me to eat healthy to keep this body healthy because it is His body, I just rent it while I'm here on earth.

Daily Thanksgiving: All my tests are done for this week and I am now on the weekend! I got a volunteer opportunity with a faith-based medical clinic and I will get to work, hopefully, as a CNA in a clinical setting! I got to work-out and I ran today. Also, I probably could have run longer than 5 minutes which is big for me because I don't run (normally). G-d is showing me the beauty in this body he created. I have an amazing lab partner and a great chem lab instructor. Regardless of the cold weather that has come in and the bad feelings about my tests, I am having a great week. I have Shalom and joy, true joy that only comes from the Father. Tomorrow I get to go apartment shopping with my old roommate who is going to be my roommate again next year! I get to live with the girl that I got along with when I was in my dorm suite (before I moved out).

Uneventful Day

Truly, today was uneventful. I had a quiz in chem that I got a C on, which I am not happy about. Then, psych was funny, but it doesn't seem like it was overly difficult or stressful. Also, I worked out again today! When I "workout" I really just mean I walked on the treadmill for awhile. Today it was 30 minutes and I walked close to 45 minutes Monday. Hopefully these short periods of exercise help or do something good for me.

I have been super distracted lately and not able to keep much focus on anything. I really need to buckle down and start working harder because I already have B's in 2 of my 4 classes and that is so NOT okay. I have A's in the other two so far, but I need to work and keep them A's. These bad grades that I have been getting are so discouraging. I know that I am not working hard enough or smart enough, but once I get into a hole with bad grades, it seems impossible to get out of it to raise my grades again. Thus, starting an ugly cycle of worse and worse grades.

Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was hilarious, chem was kinda easy, I didn't fail my quiz, I hung out a lot with my friends, and I worked out! Though I had some stuff that was weighing heavy on my mind, it seems like today was a good day overall.

By the way, today, I told one of my friends that my birthday was yesterday... the story remains to be continued. We will see if he keeps his promise of not telling anyone about it.

Also, I am starting to think that this dating thing may not be such a difficult thing to do. It's just a lot of talking and hanging out, getting to know each other, right? Maybe some hugs, or kisses (but not for me in my relationships). Perhaps some crisis, meeting the parents and other life events. But for the most part, it seems like a friendship that is more exclusive and it is acceptable to be a pair of people with secrets together and a mutual understanding of what each other think and believe. There is a good chance I am getting this totally wrong, but from my observations, that is a simplistic idea of what dating is. Guys, I really need some input as to what is going on!!!

April 1st = Success

Today, I was suprised that no pranks were pulled on me or my friends (that I knew of). Seeing as we are in college, there was definitely potential to have a disastrous day, but it was uneventful. Maybe that was because it was the first day back to school and everyone was tired from their spring break adventures. Anyway, it was a success because it was a good first day back and no catastrophes!

Off to the gym tonight. I gained 5 pounds from being home for 1 week, count it... 1! That's pretty sad. I didn't even eat junk food, I just ate a bunch of leftovers. Oh well, it will likely come off in a week because I can't eat much at the cafeteria except for fries and salad, so not to worry. Also, I have decided that I want to have a toned body for the summer this year. Most of my life I have been slightly overweight, enough to make me uncomfortable, but I don't want that to be the case anymore so I have to change it. If I make it to my desired fitness level, I will not wear a bikini still, because it is so not modest enough for me, so I will continue to wear my tankini... under guy swim trunks and my surf shirt. Even that barely hides me enough for comfort and the shorts go slightly past my knees and the shirt has sleeves half way down my arms. Seriously, if I could swim in sweatpants and a long-sleeve shirt, and not look super silly and if the material didn't cling to my body when I got out, I totally would!

Moving on, I have no homework. It's the craziest thing but I actually did work over spring break. Shhh, don't tell anyone. But I think I should start working ahead from now on because this is pretty nice, not having to do tons of homework for the classes the next day. Plus, now I have time for the gym.

By the way, Pinterest is dangerous for me. I go through the fitness section and I'm all pickin' out workouts thinking, "Ya, I can do this!". Then, when I have time, I don't do any of them... I wish I was better at working out, but I am working to fix this so that it is not just a wish. Folks, I don't know how to motivate myself. Looking at pictures of skinny, fit people doesn't work, it just makes me sad. Bribing myself doesn't work, I just give up and decide I didn't want the bribe. Same thing when I try to get friends to bribe me... Seeing my swimsuit doesn't motivate me because I just got a bathing suit that works for me, but when I am trying on bathing suits I just get depressed and start crying, leading me into a dark place for the next week or two. I tell ya, it seems so much sends me into a depression. I really do try to control it, and I try to take steps to manage or fix what is making me depressed, but sometimes I just can't hold it off. Does anyone have any advice? Besides sending me to a mental hospital or locking me away... Seriously though, I think, maybe, I should get checked out. Back to my motivation problem. Does anyone have advice for motivation? Any advice at all would really help, with any of my posts because I am pretty sure I come off as being a huge sack of crazy rolled into a 5'7", slightly chubby package.

Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was cancelled, I am done with most of my homework and reading for this week and April Fool's Day didn't involve pranks! This was a good day. And I get to work out, which I am excited for, making the day even better.