Today was devoted to studying for my anatomy final. I do think I'm starting to understand the material a little bit better, and now I am wishing I would have studied the way I did today for my last three tests... Hopefully, this makes it so that I can take educated guesses on the question I don't know about, so that I can get a good grade. L-rd willing I will get a good grade because I know I can't do it on my own. G-d kept me focused for a really long time today. Every once in a while I would watch YouTube videos, or check my 17 emails (not really, I have 1 personal one, 2 for two different schools and one for work) and my phone. Besides those breaks, I kept my phone on silent and, for the most part, stayed studying! That never happens with me, so I know it was a G-d thing.
I am so ready to be done though. It seems like the days leading up to test are the worst because you don't know what it's going to be like. Then you get to the test and it's totally not as hard as you expected. Even when you don't know the material, typically you know that you covered it in class at some point. However, there are those tests where the teacher was using the wrong book to write the test because they are asking questions about Shakespeare when you studied for a geology test because the test is in geology... That didn't really happen to me, but I think it would be funny, after the initial shock of how ridiculous it is subsided.
I still feel like a complete failure at friendship. This is probably going to be a constant thing or the rest of my life though, so I'll just get used to it. I will work on being a better friend, but no matter what I do I always come up short. That's where G-d meets us though, so I know I'm not alone and I'm not out of reach. Why do I constantly find myself in a struggle with friends? Problems always have to do with me though because if they do something that would normally offend someone, I ignore it. Unless, of course, they are offending another one of my friends, then I kindly step in and ask them to not speak poorly of my other friend. But for any other circumstance that would hurt someone, I overlook it or don't even notice it. So, the problem in my friendships is me. I keep doing stuff to hurt people or to make them sad at me. Yes, I said sad at me, not mad.
Folks, I really need to find the problem with me because I don't like hurting and offending other people. The more I have thought about my friendships and relationships of any kind, the more I notice that I keep people at arm's length and then I go off and find a corner to live in. With my roommates, I didn't talk to them when I was offended. Then they got offended and stopped talking to me. So, what do I do? I go and get my very own dorm room where I don't live with anyone else. What happens when guys begin to show interest? I talk to them for awhile, then I pull away. Eventually, I pull away so much that I end up under a rock. I should just stay under my rock and not talk to people because that gets me into trouble...
Do you have any advice? Any stories? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d kept me focused and I was quite productive today. Also, I think I'm starting to understand the material for my last final on Thursday. 1 more test and then I am no longer a freshman!!! I packed most of my stuff and it all fits into 4 tubs so far. I should only have a microwave, fridge, those tubs and a duffel bag to leave college with. Things are beginning to get better with my old roommates. I am not uncomfortable around them and they waived at me through the window! I think that's a good thing. We also got rain today which I love. One of my favorite experiences is afternoon rainstorms after a hot, sunny, summer day. To me, it is such a beautiful feeling, I can't really explain it.
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