I was taking a shower today, after running around my house getting everything in it's place, when I started being bombarded with memories. Bad memories.
I started asking G-d, "Why me? What did I do? How is this my lot in life? Why do I have to deal with this? Why did you not just let me die?" etc., etc.
About two questions in, I could feel my heart pounding, breath getting shallow and quick, eyes went into tunnel vision. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I couldn't calm the anger and the hurt. The next 30 minutes consisted of me yelling, praying, sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating, and shaving my legs... all at the same time. How do I manage to be such a great multi-tasker? I have no idea.
I keep thinking about what I want to say, in case my reports ever go to trial. I want to say so much, but I know I will freeze on the stand and my brain will freeze if I begin to draft my victim impact statements now but boy, can I scream everything I need to say when I'm in the shower!
Exboyfriend's town called a couple days ago telling me they had gotten a report from College Town that I had been sexually assaulted (raped) in their town. College town had no jurisdiction in Exboyfriend's town and so it had to be transferred.
I've been dealing with that for a week. At first I was nervous about how this would effect him, then I remembered how much his actions have effected me and my whole life. He forever changed the course of my life with his poor choices that weekend. Oh, I wish I would have kicked him, fought him, and called the cops right then. Unfortunately, I was completely in shock. I was paralyzed and in a daze that whole weekend.
Because of Exboyfriend, I met Exfiance. He didn't introduce me, but I was going out a lot, looking for a good time to get away from the terrors living and replaying themselves in my head constantly.
It's crazy to think that one person can make you hate yourself. They can make you hate your body, your memory, your life, and hate the fact that you wake up each morning to fight another losing battle of a day. They can make you hate yourself enough that you stop feeding your body, you start taking pills, smoking, cutting, or otherwise abusing the very vessel that holds the essence of who you are. One person's choices can make you fight to not pick up the bottle, not down the pills, not pull the trigger, and not crash into a ditch.
So now, I am here. A shell of who I used to be. I can never me back. I can never have the same ability to see the best in people. I can never have the same easy smile and no assumptions that people are only out to hurt me. I can never feel pure, whole, and complete. I can never erase the memories. Who knows if I have some disease that I won't be able to get rid of in addition to the rest of it.
It makes me wonder why we, as a collective people, fight so hard to keep people from suicide. Not saying I would do it, but I understand what it is like for me to not want to wake up another day. Why do we insist on saving those who so clearly see no point in being here on this earth? Why do we call the police if someone is talking about suicide at home/work or place patients on a 72-hour hold at hospitals if they come to us saying they want to die? Why do we put people on antidepressants? Which can potentially make the suicidal ideations worse and help give the people enough energy to go through with the suicide. If people are so miserable with the hand they were dealt or produced for themselves, why are we holding them earth side?
This doesn't mean that I don't support getting professional help and trying to reach out to those having a hard time, but why make people live if they have no quality of life and are sick of being here? There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could have helped Country Boy, but if there was a chance for him to have been able to reach out for help, he didn't extend that plea to me. He had a plan and he carried it out. For him, there was no use in living in a world without his dad. He had too much pain to bear on his own and he couldn't figure out how to share it. Meanwhile, I have a lot of pain (in my own opinion) and even with sharing it, I feel I am constantly drowning. Today, with my panic attack, it showed that my head is no longer staying above the water. The stress of reporting, painful memories, moving, not being able to work, having bills that I cannot pay, and stress I can't even describe is overwhelming me.
It's so hard to surrender your anxieties to the L-rd when your life is stripped from your grasp. It's so hard to ask for help when nobody can hear you from the depths of your chasm. I know I have no control over my life, but I feel like I'm in a car with a sleeping, drunk driver and the car is swerving on it's own. However, the ride sucks so badly I hope it crashes soon so that the drive will come to an end, I don't even care about making it to wherever I thought we were headed.
Friday, June 24, 2016
Thursday, June 23, 2016
So Beyond Frustrated
In this, the modern day where people can communicate across the world via email in a matter of seconds, New State decided that it still wants to operate in the Stone Ages.
About a month ago, I completed all steps on New State's board of nursing website in order to be able to get my attestation to test (go-ahead to schedule my NCLEX) and the one bit I had to have the school send, I talked to the lady and had her send it.
Fast forward to two weeks ago...
I received my copy of the school's paper (it's a form from the university letting the board of nursing know that I have, in fact, graduated the accredited nursing program) which was sent to me the same time it was sent to the board of nursing. I got it a couple days later and figured the board of nursing probably received it at about that time as well. The website says I have to wait 10 business days for it to be processed.
Fast forward to last friday...
I called the board of nursing and waited on hold for an hour!!! This wait simply allowed me to talk to a girl telling me to wait a couple more days until the 10 days had happened because they "probably received it, but haven't put it in the system yet". Okay, fine.
Fast forward to this Tuesday...
I checked online, as I had for the past two weeks, but still nothing had come through. Okay, maybe day #10 was too soon, I'll wait another day.
Wednesday...
Nothing.
Jump to today (Thursday)...
I called three times and was hung up on by the automated answering service because the call lines were "too busy at this time." What?! That's ridiculous! Why are there not more people employed here? I have to talk to somebody and figure this out. I've got a job that is waiting on me, no money, bills to pay. Now I have credit card debt, and no income because I'm waiting on the damn state to process a piece of paper...
I called a fourth time and it finally went through. Waited 20 minutes on hold while looking on the website for another number, any number, to get me through to a different phone line.
That's when I found it. I found a number to a specific person's phone line and when I called, he picked up right away! After about a 5 minute explanation of my current situation, mentioning the fact I had waited about 15 business days when the website says only 10, and I have a job waiting, the gentleman gave me about 10 excuses. One of them being that the department that processes graduates is currently "understaffed" and only 1-2 people working there on any given day. I remained kind and calm but in my head I was wondering why on earth they don't hire more people for that damn job. I get that 1-2 people are processing ALL of the paperwork for ALL of the applications that come through their state, but they know that graduations happen at least 2 times a year. You guys know this, why are you not banning vacations and hiring more people for these seasons so that the massive influx in paperwork doesn't make you get backed up all damn year? And why, oh why, are we still processing papers instead of emails??? Guys, we can make this easier for everybody if you'd just change things up a little bit and think things through better. Good heavens!
Whatever, he continued on (without me saying a word) and told me that he was sorry for the wait and that he would take my name, number, and a description of the problem down to that department and have them get in touch with me.
An hour later I received a call, from a girl down in the processing department, telling me that she couldn't find the letter/envelope/MY PAPERWORK.
Oh my gosh, I'm gonna lose it. I've been waiting for 3 fucking weeks and somewhere along this medieval process, I'm the one that got lost. Why when I have all my ducks in a row, I bust my butt to have everything on my end complete and I have a job waiting on me, does the process breakdown and cause me a boatload of extra stress that's completely unnecessary. I'm one of 2 people, out of about 60 nursing students who graduated in my class, who has not scheduled or been approved to take the NCLEX. The other girl is waiting, on purpose, because she doesn't have the money at this particular time. The other students don't all have jobs yet, but they've already taken and passed their NCLEX. Why did my form get lost? Why am I having to wait???
And what makes it even better, I emailed the only lady at my school that is able to send of that paper and she is on vacation until the 28th of June (about 4-5 days away). So, it'll take at least a week, probably more because she has a lot of emails backing up while she's gone, before she even gets my email. Then another few days to get the form situated and sent via snail mail. From then it'll take about a week to get to New State's board of nursing where I get to wait another 10+ business days for it to be processed.
At that rate, I'll be jobless for another month. I have no money. My parent's don't have $2000 to lend me for my July bills and I don't know what the hell to do. The board won't accept the copy that came to me from the school because their copy has to come "straight from the school." It can't be faxed or emailed because the board of nursing requires that the form be embossed with the nursing school's stamp in raised stampage form.
I'm so irritated. I don't know what to do or how to fix this because everything is literally out of my control. All I can do is wait on other people who seem to be taking their sweet time. I told the board and the lady at my school that I already have a job and I'm only waiting on them but that doesn't seem to help. Hell, at this rate I will fly back to Home State, pick up the sealed envelope myself, fly back down to New State and hand deliver the damn thing and watch them put it in the system that very moment JUST SO I CAN START WORKING! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
You may be thinking, "Bedpan Alley, maybe G-d is working this out for a particular reason! Maybe He is working on your patience! Maybe He is trying to get you to trust Him to provide and He does everything in His own time for His glory!!!" Yes, dear reader, I understand all of these things. Someday soon, I pray that I will get to update you all with excellent news saying that everything is situated and I get to start working. For the time being, I'm frustrated and angry that I was the one to fall through the cracks. I'm losing my mind from the stress of not being able to work for 1) I'm so excited to begin my job taking care of babies, 2) to have something to do with my time, 3) socialization, 4) money to pay my bills, and 5) to have something to do with my time!!! I don't handle extended periods of down-time well and I haven't worked since Christmas of 2015. Guys, it's June of 2016, and almost July. That's nearly 7 months without work and at least 2 months without even having school.
Guys, pray with me for a miracle here. I need it.
About a month ago, I completed all steps on New State's board of nursing website in order to be able to get my attestation to test (go-ahead to schedule my NCLEX) and the one bit I had to have the school send, I talked to the lady and had her send it.
Fast forward to two weeks ago...
I received my copy of the school's paper (it's a form from the university letting the board of nursing know that I have, in fact, graduated the accredited nursing program) which was sent to me the same time it was sent to the board of nursing. I got it a couple days later and figured the board of nursing probably received it at about that time as well. The website says I have to wait 10 business days for it to be processed.
Fast forward to last friday...
I called the board of nursing and waited on hold for an hour!!! This wait simply allowed me to talk to a girl telling me to wait a couple more days until the 10 days had happened because they "probably received it, but haven't put it in the system yet". Okay, fine.
Fast forward to this Tuesday...
I checked online, as I had for the past two weeks, but still nothing had come through. Okay, maybe day #10 was too soon, I'll wait another day.
Wednesday...
Nothing.
Jump to today (Thursday)...
I called three times and was hung up on by the automated answering service because the call lines were "too busy at this time." What?! That's ridiculous! Why are there not more people employed here? I have to talk to somebody and figure this out. I've got a job that is waiting on me, no money, bills to pay. Now I have credit card debt, and no income because I'm waiting on the damn state to process a piece of paper...
I called a fourth time and it finally went through. Waited 20 minutes on hold while looking on the website for another number, any number, to get me through to a different phone line.
That's when I found it. I found a number to a specific person's phone line and when I called, he picked up right away! After about a 5 minute explanation of my current situation, mentioning the fact I had waited about 15 business days when the website says only 10, and I have a job waiting, the gentleman gave me about 10 excuses. One of them being that the department that processes graduates is currently "understaffed" and only 1-2 people working there on any given day. I remained kind and calm but in my head I was wondering why on earth they don't hire more people for that damn job. I get that 1-2 people are processing ALL of the paperwork for ALL of the applications that come through their state, but they know that graduations happen at least 2 times a year. You guys know this, why are you not banning vacations and hiring more people for these seasons so that the massive influx in paperwork doesn't make you get backed up all damn year? And why, oh why, are we still processing papers instead of emails??? Guys, we can make this easier for everybody if you'd just change things up a little bit and think things through better. Good heavens!
Whatever, he continued on (without me saying a word) and told me that he was sorry for the wait and that he would take my name, number, and a description of the problem down to that department and have them get in touch with me.
An hour later I received a call, from a girl down in the processing department, telling me that she couldn't find the letter/envelope/MY PAPERWORK.
Oh my gosh, I'm gonna lose it. I've been waiting for 3 fucking weeks and somewhere along this medieval process, I'm the one that got lost. Why when I have all my ducks in a row, I bust my butt to have everything on my end complete and I have a job waiting on me, does the process breakdown and cause me a boatload of extra stress that's completely unnecessary. I'm one of 2 people, out of about 60 nursing students who graduated in my class, who has not scheduled or been approved to take the NCLEX. The other girl is waiting, on purpose, because she doesn't have the money at this particular time. The other students don't all have jobs yet, but they've already taken and passed their NCLEX. Why did my form get lost? Why am I having to wait???
And what makes it even better, I emailed the only lady at my school that is able to send of that paper and she is on vacation until the 28th of June (about 4-5 days away). So, it'll take at least a week, probably more because she has a lot of emails backing up while she's gone, before she even gets my email. Then another few days to get the form situated and sent via snail mail. From then it'll take about a week to get to New State's board of nursing where I get to wait another 10+ business days for it to be processed.
At that rate, I'll be jobless for another month. I have no money. My parent's don't have $2000 to lend me for my July bills and I don't know what the hell to do. The board won't accept the copy that came to me from the school because their copy has to come "straight from the school." It can't be faxed or emailed because the board of nursing requires that the form be embossed with the nursing school's stamp in raised stampage form.
I'm so irritated. I don't know what to do or how to fix this because everything is literally out of my control. All I can do is wait on other people who seem to be taking their sweet time. I told the board and the lady at my school that I already have a job and I'm only waiting on them but that doesn't seem to help. Hell, at this rate I will fly back to Home State, pick up the sealed envelope myself, fly back down to New State and hand deliver the damn thing and watch them put it in the system that very moment JUST SO I CAN START WORKING! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
You may be thinking, "Bedpan Alley, maybe G-d is working this out for a particular reason! Maybe He is working on your patience! Maybe He is trying to get you to trust Him to provide and He does everything in His own time for His glory!!!" Yes, dear reader, I understand all of these things. Someday soon, I pray that I will get to update you all with excellent news saying that everything is situated and I get to start working. For the time being, I'm frustrated and angry that I was the one to fall through the cracks. I'm losing my mind from the stress of not being able to work for 1) I'm so excited to begin my job taking care of babies, 2) to have something to do with my time, 3) socialization, 4) money to pay my bills, and 5) to have something to do with my time!!! I don't handle extended periods of down-time well and I haven't worked since Christmas of 2015. Guys, it's June of 2016, and almost July. That's nearly 7 months without work and at least 2 months without even having school.
Guys, pray with me for a miracle here. I need it.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Odd Feeling
I've been feeling strange for quite some time now. It's hard to explain, but it's one of those things that you can just sense you, yourself, are "off".
Looking through Facebook tonight, because I have very little to do in Small Town without a current graduate nurse permit... anywho, it occured to me that I have had to train myself to live in the present moment for the last several months. Actually, about a year and a half now. Don't get me wrong, I'm excellent at "tuning out" and dissociating. However, my dreams of the future have been dampened dramatically to trying to focus on the "here and now" so that I can get myself through each new hour that I am left breathing here on this planet.
There are still days I wake up startled from nightmares.
I still have several panic attacks a week/month (on a good month).
My eating and self-care is not nearly where it needs to be.
Flashbacks still occur several times every hour.
I don't like people at the door, it freaks me out.
Even in a different state, the sight of trucks freak me the fuck out. Doesn't matter if they're red, green, purple, neon orange, any color of the damn rainbow; they freak me out... again...
Ragardless, these things have become my new normal. Flashbacks and nightmares and trucks still frighten me to my core, but I am not as notably shaken to everyone else because I've been battling this shit for over a year now.
For a year I haven't been able to dream for my future. I can't think about a time when I'll be completely free of these burdens because that day will never come, until the day I die. The suicidal thoughts have subsided a bit. I've been able to cut down on my self-harm and the way I used to take mass amounts of Benadryl, Tylenol, and Ibuprofen to self-sedate my brain into sleep for a few days. Most days, I am able to get myself something to eat and I'm drinking more water than wine, again.
Still, my hopes for a future are essentially nonexistent at this point. On one level, it's a little nice to not keep getting my hopes up, just to have them crushed year after year. On a deeper level, of me as a 22-year-old young "lady" (quotes because let's be honest, I'm a complete tomboy besides these past few months of ridiculous whiny posts) still wants to be able to dream about G-d providing a husband for me, a white gown and walking down the aisle. Someday having children, continuing on with my nursing education, teaching my children how to live with lots of animals and teaching them about the various things in life. This, teaching them about life, is usually where I shift into reverse and convince myself a future needs to not happen.
Getting to the point in my imagination that there is a husband and there are children is a long, long process. It used to be something to look forward to, ponder, and pray about. Now, it feels like pulling teeth and I find myself begging the Good L-rd to have someone who is patient and kind enough to be able to handle my crap baggage. Then it slows even more because I get to thinking about how being with me would not be fair to a single soul. That's about the time that all past roommates and all the negative comments about how badly I suck start playing through my mind...
Anyway, in the off chance I get to the point where I think about the things to teach my imaginary children, I come to a complete stop when I think about them being any older than an infant. How can I handle them going to a sleep over where I'm not there? What if the friend has older siblings? Are those older siblings supervised? What happens when we have to have the "sex talk"? Do I tell them about what happened to me? Will that cause trauma? Will that make them over-paranoid? When they are in high school/college, will they be able to stay safe from the horrors inflicted upon me? Will I have days where I stay in bed and call my mom or mother-in-law to deal with the kids because I simply can't? How do I explain to them the days when I'm weepy, dissociated, sad, numb, or completely unable to function? How is this fair to kids? How would this be fair to a husband?
How the hell is any of this shit fair to me? I didn't ask for any of these assaults.
A year and a half ago, I was going about life, excited to be a nurse and to see what my future had in store. One absolute shitty year changed it all for me.
I'm still taking my life hour-by-hour, sometimes I work myself up to a day-by-day mentality. Those days, where I'm not living hour-by-hour, are surprisingly my "good" days.
Maybe someday I'll get to a point where I can dream about a future. Maybe, someday, I'll have a future.
June 12 was supposed to be my "wedding day". Haha, that was the date I picked for the wedding of exfiance and I. That day came and went and it was one of the best, most freeing days I've had in a long time. It was a day where I woke up knowing that I dodged a bomb. No, he was not bullet to dodge, he was a fucking bomb!!! I'm by no means completely safe, and I have a long way to go before I am healed, but I am free. Praise the L-rd for that.
Looking through Facebook tonight, because I have very little to do in Small Town without a current graduate nurse permit... anywho, it occured to me that I have had to train myself to live in the present moment for the last several months. Actually, about a year and a half now. Don't get me wrong, I'm excellent at "tuning out" and dissociating. However, my dreams of the future have been dampened dramatically to trying to focus on the "here and now" so that I can get myself through each new hour that I am left breathing here on this planet.
There are still days I wake up startled from nightmares.
I still have several panic attacks a week/month (on a good month).
My eating and self-care is not nearly where it needs to be.
Flashbacks still occur several times every hour.
I don't like people at the door, it freaks me out.
Even in a different state, the sight of trucks freak me the fuck out. Doesn't matter if they're red, green, purple, neon orange, any color of the damn rainbow; they freak me out... again...
Ragardless, these things have become my new normal. Flashbacks and nightmares and trucks still frighten me to my core, but I am not as notably shaken to everyone else because I've been battling this shit for over a year now.
For a year I haven't been able to dream for my future. I can't think about a time when I'll be completely free of these burdens because that day will never come, until the day I die. The suicidal thoughts have subsided a bit. I've been able to cut down on my self-harm and the way I used to take mass amounts of Benadryl, Tylenol, and Ibuprofen to self-sedate my brain into sleep for a few days. Most days, I am able to get myself something to eat and I'm drinking more water than wine, again.
Still, my hopes for a future are essentially nonexistent at this point. On one level, it's a little nice to not keep getting my hopes up, just to have them crushed year after year. On a deeper level, of me as a 22-year-old young "lady" (quotes because let's be honest, I'm a complete tomboy besides these past few months of ridiculous whiny posts) still wants to be able to dream about G-d providing a husband for me, a white gown and walking down the aisle. Someday having children, continuing on with my nursing education, teaching my children how to live with lots of animals and teaching them about the various things in life. This, teaching them about life, is usually where I shift into reverse and convince myself a future needs to not happen.
Getting to the point in my imagination that there is a husband and there are children is a long, long process. It used to be something to look forward to, ponder, and pray about. Now, it feels like pulling teeth and I find myself begging the Good L-rd to have someone who is patient and kind enough to be able to handle my crap baggage. Then it slows even more because I get to thinking about how being with me would not be fair to a single soul. That's about the time that all past roommates and all the negative comments about how badly I suck start playing through my mind...
Anyway, in the off chance I get to the point where I think about the things to teach my imaginary children, I come to a complete stop when I think about them being any older than an infant. How can I handle them going to a sleep over where I'm not there? What if the friend has older siblings? Are those older siblings supervised? What happens when we have to have the "sex talk"? Do I tell them about what happened to me? Will that cause trauma? Will that make them over-paranoid? When they are in high school/college, will they be able to stay safe from the horrors inflicted upon me? Will I have days where I stay in bed and call my mom or mother-in-law to deal with the kids because I simply can't? How do I explain to them the days when I'm weepy, dissociated, sad, numb, or completely unable to function? How is this fair to kids? How would this be fair to a husband?
How the hell is any of this shit fair to me? I didn't ask for any of these assaults.
A year and a half ago, I was going about life, excited to be a nurse and to see what my future had in store. One absolute shitty year changed it all for me.
I'm still taking my life hour-by-hour, sometimes I work myself up to a day-by-day mentality. Those days, where I'm not living hour-by-hour, are surprisingly my "good" days.
Maybe someday I'll get to a point where I can dream about a future. Maybe, someday, I'll have a future.
June 12 was supposed to be my "wedding day". Haha, that was the date I picked for the wedding of exfiance and I. That day came and went and it was one of the best, most freeing days I've had in a long time. It was a day where I woke up knowing that I dodged a bomb. No, he was not bullet to dodge, he was a fucking bomb!!! I'm by no means completely safe, and I have a long way to go before I am healed, but I am free. Praise the L-rd for that.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Doorbells
You may or may not know about my phobia of doorbells and people knocking when I am not expecting them.
I thought this would dissipate when I left Home State, but maybe not.
Somebody just rang my doorbell and I kinda freaked out. I'm hiding in my room, had a mild panic attack when I heard it, and I tip-toed to the front room and waited for them to leave. I probably stood there for a solid 20 minutes before having the guts to peak through the blinds for a window hidden behind some rose bushes. Oh yeah, I have rose bushes at my new place!!!
Anyway, my heart is still racing and I don't know who it was that came over, maybe just some people trying to "spread the Good News" but I don't care. I'm losing my sh!t over someone ringing the damn doorbell because I'm scared it might be him.
It terrifies me to death to think that he would follow me all the way to Small Town because if he was that committed to finding me he's probably committed enough to hating me that he would kill me. Like literally murder me.
Oh I hope he never finds out where I live.
Mom said she was going to get me a surprise house warming gift... I was having a bad day so she decided to tell me what it was! Guess what it is? It's a doorbell that takes a picture of whoever is at your front door, whether they ring the bell or not, and the picture gets sent straight to your phone. That way, I don't have to worry about who is there and if I should answer the door or not. It also allows you to talk to them through a speaker and I can tell the doorbell to not sound, for when I'm sleeping during the day in order to be able to work night shift. I think it's exciting! Very ridiculous, but sometimes recovering from PTSD requires some silly interventions just to make life survivable. I think for most people, a picture-taking-doorbell is unecessary, but for a single woman living by herself in a brand-new town, it is okay. If said woman is also in fear of her life from some psycho who is the incarnation of pure evil... then it's even more okay.
I pray that someday he can change, but some people just can't. Some people are legit evil, all the way through to their toes. They are hell-bent on doing harm in the world and fucking up other people for their own selfish pleasure. What pleasure comes from this, I have not a clue, but it's their motivation for getting up in the morning.
I thought this would dissipate when I left Home State, but maybe not.
Somebody just rang my doorbell and I kinda freaked out. I'm hiding in my room, had a mild panic attack when I heard it, and I tip-toed to the front room and waited for them to leave. I probably stood there for a solid 20 minutes before having the guts to peak through the blinds for a window hidden behind some rose bushes. Oh yeah, I have rose bushes at my new place!!!
Anyway, my heart is still racing and I don't know who it was that came over, maybe just some people trying to "spread the Good News" but I don't care. I'm losing my sh!t over someone ringing the damn doorbell because I'm scared it might be him.
It terrifies me to death to think that he would follow me all the way to Small Town because if he was that committed to finding me he's probably committed enough to hating me that he would kill me. Like literally murder me.
Oh I hope he never finds out where I live.
Mom said she was going to get me a surprise house warming gift... I was having a bad day so she decided to tell me what it was! Guess what it is? It's a doorbell that takes a picture of whoever is at your front door, whether they ring the bell or not, and the picture gets sent straight to your phone. That way, I don't have to worry about who is there and if I should answer the door or not. It also allows you to talk to them through a speaker and I can tell the doorbell to not sound, for when I'm sleeping during the day in order to be able to work night shift. I think it's exciting! Very ridiculous, but sometimes recovering from PTSD requires some silly interventions just to make life survivable. I think for most people, a picture-taking-doorbell is unecessary, but for a single woman living by herself in a brand-new town, it is okay. If said woman is also in fear of her life from some psycho who is the incarnation of pure evil... then it's even more okay.
I pray that someday he can change, but some people just can't. Some people are legit evil, all the way through to their toes. They are hell-bent on doing harm in the world and fucking up other people for their own selfish pleasure. What pleasure comes from this, I have not a clue, but it's their motivation for getting up in the morning.
Bad Dreams
I know that when I am stressed, my depression is exacerbated and nightmares are expected. This is fairly common among all people because dreaming is a way for your brain to process various life circumstances.
That leads us to last night's nightmare...
I was being chased by exfiance and he found out the new place that I live. I managed to stay hidden from him, but he kept coming by my new house, ringing the doorbell, and knocking on all the windows. He followed me in exboyfriend's truck, actually. Why the cross between both assholes? I have no idea. Also, in my dream we were not actually at my new house but I was dreaming that I was living at one of my Uncle's houses in the country... Anyway, I was leaving my house trying to drive away, but that's when he actually saw me. He tracked me down and eventually I was running on foot. I called the cops and they wouldn't answer. I tried to get friends to keep him there so that I could call the cops, but every time I dialed 9-1-1 I pressed the wrong buttons or extra buttons or whatever. I couldn't call the police! He found out I was calling them and so he drove away, but not before he tried to take me with him. My new friends stepped in and saved me, he got frustrated and drove off without me.
Eventually he came back. He kept following me. He told me that I missed him and that he didn't understand why I would try to call the police because I love him. I yelled at him and told him he was pure evil and the only person that I have ever hated in my life. I flipped him off a couple times but he just laughed. He grabbed me in a hug and tried to kiss me.
The dream continued, but I can't remember the rest of it. Then my dad called (in real life) and woke me up so the dream ended.
Ugh, I left Home State in hopes that I would feel safer here. I did up until a couple days ago when I saw a truck awfully similar to his. It wasn't his truck and on second glance didn't even really look like his, but it still freaked me out. I had to do a double take but I was driving and that's not safe.
So, for those of you dealing with trauma, I'm sorry. I pray that you don't have days like this, though I know you probably do. I pray for justice for us, thought justice will never right the wrong that has been done. Most of all, I pray for peace.
In the days after the shooting at the night club in Orlando, I can't help but be sad with an understanding heart of how difficult PTSD is. My heart breaks for those that were killed, but my heart also breaks for those that witnessed it and the families that now how to figure out how to go about living after the evil committed that night. It sucks for those that were killed, but for those of us that are left living after a tragedy like this, it is harder. When you die, I'm not certain you know you are dead. I'm fairly certain you don't feel pain in the same capacity, hopefully not even at all. I don't know, I haven't died yet... Regardless, I know the pain of being one of the ones left to survive. Of course, I only know the pain I've felt and for the families and victims still living, their pain will be different and arguably worse in many respects.
For anyone who has suffered traumatic events or loss: I am sorry for your losses. Losses of loved ones, loss of life, loss of the sense of safety, loss of mental wellness (hopefully only temporary), loss of self (hopefully only temporary).
There was a hostage situation somewhere in Texas and the guy ended up getting shot and killed, as far as I know.
People need to chill out. Stop causing harm to others! Stop killing others! Stop attacking, assaulting, and otherwise fucking up other people's lives! Calm the fuck down. Everyone.
Until later... I pray I'll have good news next time I post.
That leads us to last night's nightmare...
I was being chased by exfiance and he found out the new place that I live. I managed to stay hidden from him, but he kept coming by my new house, ringing the doorbell, and knocking on all the windows. He followed me in exboyfriend's truck, actually. Why the cross between both assholes? I have no idea. Also, in my dream we were not actually at my new house but I was dreaming that I was living at one of my Uncle's houses in the country... Anyway, I was leaving my house trying to drive away, but that's when he actually saw me. He tracked me down and eventually I was running on foot. I called the cops and they wouldn't answer. I tried to get friends to keep him there so that I could call the cops, but every time I dialed 9-1-1 I pressed the wrong buttons or extra buttons or whatever. I couldn't call the police! He found out I was calling them and so he drove away, but not before he tried to take me with him. My new friends stepped in and saved me, he got frustrated and drove off without me.
Eventually he came back. He kept following me. He told me that I missed him and that he didn't understand why I would try to call the police because I love him. I yelled at him and told him he was pure evil and the only person that I have ever hated in my life. I flipped him off a couple times but he just laughed. He grabbed me in a hug and tried to kiss me.
The dream continued, but I can't remember the rest of it. Then my dad called (in real life) and woke me up so the dream ended.
Ugh, I left Home State in hopes that I would feel safer here. I did up until a couple days ago when I saw a truck awfully similar to his. It wasn't his truck and on second glance didn't even really look like his, but it still freaked me out. I had to do a double take but I was driving and that's not safe.
So, for those of you dealing with trauma, I'm sorry. I pray that you don't have days like this, though I know you probably do. I pray for justice for us, thought justice will never right the wrong that has been done. Most of all, I pray for peace.
In the days after the shooting at the night club in Orlando, I can't help but be sad with an understanding heart of how difficult PTSD is. My heart breaks for those that were killed, but my heart also breaks for those that witnessed it and the families that now how to figure out how to go about living after the evil committed that night. It sucks for those that were killed, but for those of us that are left living after a tragedy like this, it is harder. When you die, I'm not certain you know you are dead. I'm fairly certain you don't feel pain in the same capacity, hopefully not even at all. I don't know, I haven't died yet... Regardless, I know the pain of being one of the ones left to survive. Of course, I only know the pain I've felt and for the families and victims still living, their pain will be different and arguably worse in many respects.
For anyone who has suffered traumatic events or loss: I am sorry for your losses. Losses of loved ones, loss of life, loss of the sense of safety, loss of mental wellness (hopefully only temporary), loss of self (hopefully only temporary).
There was a hostage situation somewhere in Texas and the guy ended up getting shot and killed, as far as I know.
People need to chill out. Stop causing harm to others! Stop killing others! Stop attacking, assaulting, and otherwise fucking up other people's lives! Calm the fuck down. Everyone.
Until later... I pray I'll have good news next time I post.
Life As a New Grad Nurse...???
There are seasons in my life where everything seems to be going wrong. When I say "wrong" I mean, life suffocates me and it's all I can do to crawl to the bathroom in the event that I have to pee. I spend days in bed sleeping, don't need to eat, drinking something like water only happens to get down the pills, and I am paralyzed.
There are other seasons, where, for the first time in a very long time, I will have weeks of good days and I may be excited about life for awhile. Times when I see the fruition of the L-rd's work and I suddenly believe that life will work out and cooperate for a bit.
Then, there are days like today... My short bit of life right before and following graduation were wonderful. I was full of hope, some anxiety but it was more nervous excitement than true anxiety, I was able to smile, I felt lighter, I was graduating nursing school! I had a job! I was moving to Small Town and I'm getting away from the town that has produced nothing but pain for me the past year or two. I was leaving the boys that destroyed my sense of self and I would not have to worry about seeing their trucks on the road any longer. I don't have to worry about seeing them at a bar or when I go out to supper with friends. I don't have to be concerned that I'll bump into one of their friends when I go out bowling or to the grocery store. There was a light at the end of my deep, dark, looooooooong tunnel and I was nearing it!
I am nearer to the light, but it's gotten a bit dim today. I haven't started work and I've been down here for nearly two weeks. I've been graduated from nursing school for over a month and still no money coming in. Without work, I haven't been able to meet new people. A highlight in my day involves going to the grocery store across the street because they help every single customer out to their car so I get to talk to the person that helps me out. This is my socialization. I've spent time with my Mema and other family who is down here, but everyone seems to be so busy! They keep asking me how my license is coming and it's irritating to only be able to say that I'm still waiting on the board of nursing for the state. I JUST WANT TO START WORKING!!!
I go on vacation in about a week and a half and really want to work before I go on that vacation.
Through nursing school, everyone tells you how scary it is to wait to take the NCLEX. They tell you how scary it is waiting for the results. They tell you how hard the first year of nursing is, but they explain that it will still be rewarding and exciting.
Nobody tells you about the month or two in between nursing school and the NCLEX/working where life seems to stand still. It's a struggle if you do have a job because you are now college educated, working your college job... Or, you might be like me, who took a semester off of work for various reasons, and now you're waiting on the governmental agency to get their shit together so that you can begin your life!!! I'm going nuts!
Thing is, I've had so many friends text me disappointed about not having a job yet, not being able to work, being scared about how they will pay their bills, worried that they aren't good enough to be a nurse because the local hospitals won't hire them because of the mass influx in new grads, and we're all terrified. Nobody told us about this season of self-doubt, depression, anxiousness, feelings of failure, frustration at the system, and disappointment in ourselves for even feeling these things.
Most of us are having a terribly difficult time. I slept until 12:30 p.m. today and haven't left my bed yet because I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel needed, I don't have friends to be able to see, I don't have money to be able to go do anything, and I can't see a purpose to get dressed or complete any task. Couple that with my nightmare I had last night (I'll tell you about it in my next post) and the flashbacks that are coming back in full force, I'm struggling. Now, I'm not as bad as I have been. This is the point where I can still turn my depressive episode around. All I have to do is find the energy and desire.
There are other seasons, where, for the first time in a very long time, I will have weeks of good days and I may be excited about life for awhile. Times when I see the fruition of the L-rd's work and I suddenly believe that life will work out and cooperate for a bit.
Then, there are days like today... My short bit of life right before and following graduation were wonderful. I was full of hope, some anxiety but it was more nervous excitement than true anxiety, I was able to smile, I felt lighter, I was graduating nursing school! I had a job! I was moving to Small Town and I'm getting away from the town that has produced nothing but pain for me the past year or two. I was leaving the boys that destroyed my sense of self and I would not have to worry about seeing their trucks on the road any longer. I don't have to worry about seeing them at a bar or when I go out to supper with friends. I don't have to be concerned that I'll bump into one of their friends when I go out bowling or to the grocery store. There was a light at the end of my deep, dark, looooooooong tunnel and I was nearing it!
I am nearer to the light, but it's gotten a bit dim today. I haven't started work and I've been down here for nearly two weeks. I've been graduated from nursing school for over a month and still no money coming in. Without work, I haven't been able to meet new people. A highlight in my day involves going to the grocery store across the street because they help every single customer out to their car so I get to talk to the person that helps me out. This is my socialization. I've spent time with my Mema and other family who is down here, but everyone seems to be so busy! They keep asking me how my license is coming and it's irritating to only be able to say that I'm still waiting on the board of nursing for the state. I JUST WANT TO START WORKING!!!
I go on vacation in about a week and a half and really want to work before I go on that vacation.
Through nursing school, everyone tells you how scary it is to wait to take the NCLEX. They tell you how scary it is waiting for the results. They tell you how hard the first year of nursing is, but they explain that it will still be rewarding and exciting.
Nobody tells you about the month or two in between nursing school and the NCLEX/working where life seems to stand still. It's a struggle if you do have a job because you are now college educated, working your college job... Or, you might be like me, who took a semester off of work for various reasons, and now you're waiting on the governmental agency to get their shit together so that you can begin your life!!! I'm going nuts!
Thing is, I've had so many friends text me disappointed about not having a job yet, not being able to work, being scared about how they will pay their bills, worried that they aren't good enough to be a nurse because the local hospitals won't hire them because of the mass influx in new grads, and we're all terrified. Nobody told us about this season of self-doubt, depression, anxiousness, feelings of failure, frustration at the system, and disappointment in ourselves for even feeling these things.
Most of us are having a terribly difficult time. I slept until 12:30 p.m. today and haven't left my bed yet because I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel needed, I don't have friends to be able to see, I don't have money to be able to go do anything, and I can't see a purpose to get dressed or complete any task. Couple that with my nightmare I had last night (I'll tell you about it in my next post) and the flashbacks that are coming back in full force, I'm struggling. Now, I'm not as bad as I have been. This is the point where I can still turn my depressive episode around. All I have to do is find the energy and desire.
Monday, June 13, 2016
Giddy Up and GO!
After nearly two months of no wifi at the places I've been staying, I finally got internet in my new house today!!!
My house is coming along, it's just taking forever.
We got in at 2 a.m. Home time and 3 a.m. Small-Town time. Good heavens, that is way too late after I had woken up at 6 a.m. the day we left! That's about 20 hours up and going and an 8 hour trip on the road!
The house G-d gave me is one of the cleanest, best houses we had seen. In fact, it was the cleanest and nicest house we had found. However, in the time between when I first saw the house and I moved in, little cockroaches had come into the house and there were about 8 lying belly up on the floor in various rooms. *shivers*
I had never seen a real-life cockroach before then. Well, now I have! I sprayed most of the house the next day with ant, spider, roach, flea, and tick killer so now my garage looks like a roach battlefield with little dead guys belly up all over the place. Meanwhile, I can't get over that there were roaches in my house. YUCK!!! To combat this, I am disinfecting every shelf, drawer, and counter space. Then, as if that weren't enough, I got some lavender scented moth balls and I'm keeping all food items in plastic tubs and putting linens in tubs too. I just want to keep bugs away from my stuff. Damn bugs, if they pay rent and stay in the shed outback, then okay, I could deal. However, they think they can live rent free in the house and that just plumb isn't going to work.
I'm still waiting to be able to start working. I'm stir crazy waiting to get to working and I really need the money. I think I have enough to tie me over until I can start working in July, but I would really love to start working before I do on vacation in two weeks. Unfortunately, the nursing board government systems take forever because every newly graduated nurse in the country is turning all of their paperwork at the same. damn. time. So frustrating.
So, I get to start writing more and I have internet to keep me busy. It's weird not having homework to procrastinate from. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore... ah well, I'll figure it out. I'm fixin' to go start working anywhere I can get a job just so that some money is coming in and I have something to do.
My house is coming along, it's just taking forever.
We got in at 2 a.m. Home time and 3 a.m. Small-Town time. Good heavens, that is way too late after I had woken up at 6 a.m. the day we left! That's about 20 hours up and going and an 8 hour trip on the road!
The house G-d gave me is one of the cleanest, best houses we had seen. In fact, it was the cleanest and nicest house we had found. However, in the time between when I first saw the house and I moved in, little cockroaches had come into the house and there were about 8 lying belly up on the floor in various rooms. *shivers*
I had never seen a real-life cockroach before then. Well, now I have! I sprayed most of the house the next day with ant, spider, roach, flea, and tick killer so now my garage looks like a roach battlefield with little dead guys belly up all over the place. Meanwhile, I can't get over that there were roaches in my house. YUCK!!! To combat this, I am disinfecting every shelf, drawer, and counter space. Then, as if that weren't enough, I got some lavender scented moth balls and I'm keeping all food items in plastic tubs and putting linens in tubs too. I just want to keep bugs away from my stuff. Damn bugs, if they pay rent and stay in the shed outback, then okay, I could deal. However, they think they can live rent free in the house and that just plumb isn't going to work.
I'm still waiting to be able to start working. I'm stir crazy waiting to get to working and I really need the money. I think I have enough to tie me over until I can start working in July, but I would really love to start working before I do on vacation in two weeks. Unfortunately, the nursing board government systems take forever because every newly graduated nurse in the country is turning all of their paperwork at the same. damn. time. So frustrating.
So, I get to start writing more and I have internet to keep me busy. It's weird not having homework to procrastinate from. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore... ah well, I'll figure it out. I'm fixin' to go start working anywhere I can get a job just so that some money is coming in and I have something to do.
Friday, June 3, 2016
A year of fighting for a 6 month sentence. That's ridiculous!
For those who have followed my story in any capacity, you've probably read about my terrible 2015. I dated two guys, both of which raped and sexually assaulted me.
Since then, I have gone through counseling, been deemed capable of attempting life on my own again, and been sent into the world with warm wishes from my Counselor.
The struggle with reporting is an internal war. If I don't say anything, then the guys get off spot (scott?) free. They likely don't even know that what they did is a felony, or they know and they don't care. Meanwhile, if I report then I deal with the police officer, detective(s), re-victimization, nay-sayers, judges, jury, and living through hell for another indeterminable amount of time. It's not bad enough that I am constantly reminded every day and every night of what has happened, reporting would make me have to talk about it all with complete strangers.
And, as many of you know, I'm not a wordsmith. However, there are people out there who are.
I recently came across an article in my Facebook feed about a girl who was sexually assaulted and digitally raped (I called mine finger rape at first, back in April/May 2015). Honestly, I am so very grateful for her ability to be able to use words and speak/write so well. Please, do me a favor and read this article, if you are so able. There are lots of triggers and, honestly, if anyone wants to know what a SANE exam is like, she nails it. There is no way to compare sexual assault and rape stories, all of us survivors understand that well. The only thing we can do is feel for each other.
This woman is so incredibly strong, so brave, so gifted with words, and she has been served a great injustice by the sentencing her abuser received. I cannot imagine having my story published for everyone to read. I cannot imagine worrying about friends and family watching the news and seeing my traumatic events played for them and the rest of the nation/world. She has handled it with such courage and grace. Then, instead of trying to forget it and hide it, she is speaking out against what has happened to her.
Back in Biblical times, rapists were stoned to death... I'm just saying...
Since then, I have gone through counseling, been deemed capable of attempting life on my own again, and been sent into the world with warm wishes from my Counselor.
The struggle with reporting is an internal war. If I don't say anything, then the guys get off spot (scott?) free. They likely don't even know that what they did is a felony, or they know and they don't care. Meanwhile, if I report then I deal with the police officer, detective(s), re-victimization, nay-sayers, judges, jury, and living through hell for another indeterminable amount of time. It's not bad enough that I am constantly reminded every day and every night of what has happened, reporting would make me have to talk about it all with complete strangers.
And, as many of you know, I'm not a wordsmith. However, there are people out there who are.
I recently came across an article in my Facebook feed about a girl who was sexually assaulted and digitally raped (I called mine finger rape at first, back in April/May 2015). Honestly, I am so very grateful for her ability to be able to use words and speak/write so well. Please, do me a favor and read this article, if you are so able. There are lots of triggers and, honestly, if anyone wants to know what a SANE exam is like, she nails it. There is no way to compare sexual assault and rape stories, all of us survivors understand that well. The only thing we can do is feel for each other.
This woman is so incredibly strong, so brave, so gifted with words, and she has been served a great injustice by the sentencing her abuser received. I cannot imagine having my story published for everyone to read. I cannot imagine worrying about friends and family watching the news and seeing my traumatic events played for them and the rest of the nation/world. She has handled it with such courage and grace. Then, instead of trying to forget it and hide it, she is speaking out against what has happened to her.
Back in Biblical times, rapists were stoned to death... I'm just saying...
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
No Kiss
I don't believe I told you guys about the one boy I met a few months ago. We've been on three dates, and he asked for a fourth.
Yes, I met him online. I was terrified, as I should have been, to meet him. He offered to make it a group date, but that ended up being too difficult to figure out with everyone's schedules, so we settled for meeting at a huge local hunting/outdoorsman store. Actually, it was Bass Pro, to be exact.
So, just know, I know how dumb it is to meet a guy from the internet. When Roomie put me on the internet dating site, I had had about 3 "Bedpan Alley" strength daiquiris which means about 2-3x the "recommended" alcohol dosage. Don't worry, I'm almost a nurse, it's fine. ;)
I was tipsy and crying about them fuckers I dated for the entirety of 2015. She told me to give her my computer and my phone. Naturally, being that far gone but still coherent, I did as she asked with minimal questioning on my part. She told me it would be fun.
Well, fast forward about 2 days, and it was great amounts of fun! I could say guys were cute (which I still have a hard time processing because I don't understand why they are cute... science help me!). Anyway, guys were saying I was cute too and I was getting tons of matches! I was talking with like 12 guys at one point, and just listening to their stories. Plus, when I didn't like one of them or they were being inappropriate, I could yell at them over the texting thing and it felt great! I didn't blame them for things that the exes did, unless they did them to me too, but then boy howdy! It was one of the most empowering and uplifting things I had done in a long time. Yes, it was based mostly off superficial looks, but I had been convinced my whole life (especially by exfiance) that I was ugly and nobody wanted me. Well, the online dating showed me he was a liar!!! I had loads of guys matching with me, and even more guys liked me but I didn't like them back for some reason so we didn't match. Regardless, these guys thought I was cute, then they learned I like working on cars and they liked that even more! They learned I was a nursing student and oh my goodness, I swear a couple would have proposed right there. Haha, just kidding.
Anyway, back to the guy I actually met. We talked for about a month before I decided to meet him. He's been really cool about understanding that I need to drive myself. He has a beard, drives a truck, and his mom is a DON for one of the local mental hospitals. I know, psych nursing, but hey, I actually really like psych nursing and I think it's impressive she's a DON!
For our last date, we met for breakfast. Interesting date, but I really liked it! We've had weird dates. Well, I picked them... if that tells you anything... The first one, we went to Bass Pro, walked to a dinner place near it, then drove separately to pet puppies at the pet store together because I refuse to get into another guy's car/truck. The second date consisted of meeting for happy hour at a restaurant near my college. Afterwards, we walked over to the costco and wandered around in there because I had had one too many margaritas... Then we hit up the pet store, but there were no pets except for some fish and a variety of rodents. The third was lunch at Chick-fil-a, then he helped me go pick out decorations for my graduation cap at a fabric store. Yeah, I was shocked a guy would volunteer to go with me to that too! Then, our final one was just breakfast at this really cute diner with a cabin theme and little bear figures everywhere. Adorable!
At the end of our final date, he gave me the normal hug. We had discussed at the beginning that before he ever went for my hand or went in for a hug, or touched me at all (even on the shoulder), he just has to ask me if that's okay first so that I don't freak out. Then he asked, "should I ask before I kiss you?" To which I responded, "yes, please." and he accepted that. He opened my door and I sat down but we were still talking. He then asked, "do you ever get the feeling you want to do something, but if you do it it might be the wrong thing to do?" I told him I didn't. He then leaned in and tried to kiss me! Oh no! That poor kid, he didn't believe me when I told him I was messed up and probably a bad idea. Well, I slammed my head back and tucked my chin so that he couldn't reach me. He asked, "do you want to?" I shook my head no and he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. Then he said sorry and I said it was okay. That was it. He apologized a bunch more over text and I told him not to worry about it and I thanked him for respecting my no. Then, I gave a short and sweet explanation as to why I didn't kiss him and why I was so appreciative. I think this made him feel a little bit bad, but when similar things happened with the exes, they just pulled me closer and forced a kiss. So many of our kisses were forced.
Crazy the things that come to mind after a relationship ends and the gravity of the situation finally hits you. Well, I know how hard it hits me. It's crazy that a forced kiss can be considered sexual assault. Yet, in my mind, it doesn't seem "that bad" because of the unspeakable things they both forced on me. Strange how my scale of seriousness has changed so much after my traumas.
Someday I pray to find my Boaz. Maybe I'm meant to remain alone and care for those who don't have parents, family, or friends. I don't know. I pray for a Boaz, but for the time being, it's easy to be single. Hey, I even get baby snuggles without going through pregnancy, without having to be married, and without having to take them home!!! I get to care for babies and teach them how to eat and get them ready to go home and I will get to get paid for it. Praise you L-rd for giving me the desires you've placed in my heart.
Yes, I met him online. I was terrified, as I should have been, to meet him. He offered to make it a group date, but that ended up being too difficult to figure out with everyone's schedules, so we settled for meeting at a huge local hunting/outdoorsman store. Actually, it was Bass Pro, to be exact.
So, just know, I know how dumb it is to meet a guy from the internet. When Roomie put me on the internet dating site, I had had about 3 "Bedpan Alley" strength daiquiris which means about 2-3x the "recommended" alcohol dosage. Don't worry, I'm almost a nurse, it's fine. ;)
I was tipsy and crying about them fuckers I dated for the entirety of 2015. She told me to give her my computer and my phone. Naturally, being that far gone but still coherent, I did as she asked with minimal questioning on my part. She told me it would be fun.
Well, fast forward about 2 days, and it was great amounts of fun! I could say guys were cute (which I still have a hard time processing because I don't understand why they are cute... science help me!). Anyway, guys were saying I was cute too and I was getting tons of matches! I was talking with like 12 guys at one point, and just listening to their stories. Plus, when I didn't like one of them or they were being inappropriate, I could yell at them over the texting thing and it felt great! I didn't blame them for things that the exes did, unless they did them to me too, but then boy howdy! It was one of the most empowering and uplifting things I had done in a long time. Yes, it was based mostly off superficial looks, but I had been convinced my whole life (especially by exfiance) that I was ugly and nobody wanted me. Well, the online dating showed me he was a liar!!! I had loads of guys matching with me, and even more guys liked me but I didn't like them back for some reason so we didn't match. Regardless, these guys thought I was cute, then they learned I like working on cars and they liked that even more! They learned I was a nursing student and oh my goodness, I swear a couple would have proposed right there. Haha, just kidding.
Anyway, back to the guy I actually met. We talked for about a month before I decided to meet him. He's been really cool about understanding that I need to drive myself. He has a beard, drives a truck, and his mom is a DON for one of the local mental hospitals. I know, psych nursing, but hey, I actually really like psych nursing and I think it's impressive she's a DON!
For our last date, we met for breakfast. Interesting date, but I really liked it! We've had weird dates. Well, I picked them... if that tells you anything... The first one, we went to Bass Pro, walked to a dinner place near it, then drove separately to pet puppies at the pet store together because I refuse to get into another guy's car/truck. The second date consisted of meeting for happy hour at a restaurant near my college. Afterwards, we walked over to the costco and wandered around in there because I had had one too many margaritas... Then we hit up the pet store, but there were no pets except for some fish and a variety of rodents. The third was lunch at Chick-fil-a, then he helped me go pick out decorations for my graduation cap at a fabric store. Yeah, I was shocked a guy would volunteer to go with me to that too! Then, our final one was just breakfast at this really cute diner with a cabin theme and little bear figures everywhere. Adorable!
At the end of our final date, he gave me the normal hug. We had discussed at the beginning that before he ever went for my hand or went in for a hug, or touched me at all (even on the shoulder), he just has to ask me if that's okay first so that I don't freak out. Then he asked, "should I ask before I kiss you?" To which I responded, "yes, please." and he accepted that. He opened my door and I sat down but we were still talking. He then asked, "do you ever get the feeling you want to do something, but if you do it it might be the wrong thing to do?" I told him I didn't. He then leaned in and tried to kiss me! Oh no! That poor kid, he didn't believe me when I told him I was messed up and probably a bad idea. Well, I slammed my head back and tucked my chin so that he couldn't reach me. He asked, "do you want to?" I shook my head no and he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. Then he said sorry and I said it was okay. That was it. He apologized a bunch more over text and I told him not to worry about it and I thanked him for respecting my no. Then, I gave a short and sweet explanation as to why I didn't kiss him and why I was so appreciative. I think this made him feel a little bit bad, but when similar things happened with the exes, they just pulled me closer and forced a kiss. So many of our kisses were forced.
Crazy the things that come to mind after a relationship ends and the gravity of the situation finally hits you. Well, I know how hard it hits me. It's crazy that a forced kiss can be considered sexual assault. Yet, in my mind, it doesn't seem "that bad" because of the unspeakable things they both forced on me. Strange how my scale of seriousness has changed so much after my traumas.
Someday I pray to find my Boaz. Maybe I'm meant to remain alone and care for those who don't have parents, family, or friends. I don't know. I pray for a Boaz, but for the time being, it's easy to be single. Hey, I even get baby snuggles without going through pregnancy, without having to be married, and without having to take them home!!! I get to care for babies and teach them how to eat and get them ready to go home and I will get to get paid for it. Praise you L-rd for giving me the desires you've placed in my heart.
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