A Little Exciting News

So, in the midst of what feels like a continual life storm at this point... I have a few points of good news!

1) I fixed my dryer yesterday. All by myself! I woke up Friday, trying to throw my scrub pants into the dryer really quick because I had washed them for work. Well, the dryer was sounding like it was working, but it was not tumbling. Great. I proceeded to dry my pants, with a hair dryer, and went to work with wet pants. Have you ever done that? Oh my gosh, wet pants are AWFUL!!!

Oh well, I called my dad on Saturday, told him what was going on and that I thought the belt had broken. He agreed that's what it sounded like. So, I took my dryer apart Sunday in hopes that I would fix it and not make it worse. Turns out the belt had simply slipped off the tension spring instead of breaking completely. Praise the L-rd!

2) I took care of 2 babies successfully, mostly on my own, for two days now! I was really struggling because i had 2 days of feeling like I had just been put through the wringer and criticized for everything even though I had gotten no instruction on how to do things... That was frustrating. Well, whatever. I shook it off and went back for another day. Friday and today (Monday) ended up turning out really well! I know two babies don't sound like much, but I'm finally getting to the point where I forget less and less during my assessments and during the day. I'm beginning to remember the various nuances and strange rules that occur in the NICU. And I am starting to find my newbie groove while simultaneously keeping most poop and urine off of the baby's bedding. Yay! (Guys, I had an incident involving projectile shit in an isolette. Add in a flailing baby and you can just imagine the art work created. While walking away from that baby's room about 30 minutes after the incident, I found a lovely, long, brown streak going down the length of my forearm. *sigh* The struggle.

3) Last, but not least, I PASSED THE NCLEX!!! Do y'all know what that means? That means I am a Real/Registered/Redneck Nurse. In case you missed it, that is three was to define the term of R.N. and they ALL describe me! I'm now a Real Nurse (maybe a baby or adolescent nurse, but I'm a real nurse), I am a Registered Nurse (of course, that's what the hospital and Board of Nursing call me), and I'm also a Redneck Nurse (as described my my nursing class and those who know me best). Guys, I am so very glad and excited to be done!

As you may know, I've been working as a graduate nurse and have been signing my name at work (as necessary) as BedpanAlley, GN. Well, today I got to sign it BedpanAlley, RN! AND I got a new badge changing the GN to RN!!! So, so, so excited and relieved.



Well, seeing as I have to go to work again tomorrow, which means I get up at 0430 (unless I want to smell good which means I need to wake up at 0400...). Anyway, I better hit the hay. As it is, I'll be getting maybe 5 hours of sleep.

Goodnight y'all!
BedpanAlley, RN, BSN

Looming Deadlines...

It's nearly 11 p.m. here and I'm supposed to be getting up at 5 a.m. for work tomorrow...

I can't sleep because I've been trying to take NCLEX practice tests and start studying because I'm scheduled to take my NCLEX on Friday.

It occurred to me today, while at my "cousin's" kid's 1st birthday party, that I'm taking the NCLEX this week. Then I started thinking about how little I've studied because of work, moving, exhaustion, depression flare-ups, and general PTSD bullshit coming back. C'est la vie, non?

Anyway, I also started considering pushing it back another week or two to give myself some legit time to study. I don't know what to do. Do I just get it over with and hope that the 54% average on practice tests gets me on the passing side of the NCLEX scale? Or, do I try to attempt another shot at studying more?

They say that by passing nursing school, you should have most/all of the info needed to pass this damn test, but being on this end of taking the silly thing, I'm not sure how much I believe that. 54% is a pretty abysmal score to get on anything, let alone a $200 test. I guess I'll see how the rest of the week goes and if I need to, I'll change the date by Wednesday so that I don't lose said $200...

Goodnight y'all

Great News!

So, if you've been following my journey through the Board of Nursing thus far, you would know that I hadn't gotten my permit... hadn't...

I got it yesterday!

I checked the website, out of the blue, and all of a sudden it looked much different than it had any other time I checked it. I looked closer and it was because my permit had been posted!

My HR lady was so excited when I called her! Her enthusiasm matched mine and that was a great thing to hear. She transferred me over to the education director and she was even more excited! They asked if I was okay starting in the middle of the week, or if I wanted to wait until a new week started. I told them, "I've been waiting months to be able to work, so the sooner the better!" the HR lady really seemed to like that answer ;)

Anyway, I go to work on Thursday (tomorrow) but it's mostly just paperwork. Then Monday is hospital orientation, but I'm hoping to be able to work a couple days in between but we'll see.

Off to try to be productive and study for the NCLEX. Maybe I'll just take another nap.

Oh the beach!

Y'all, I just got back last night from a 2 week vacation and it was amazing! Sorry about the extended radio silence. A week at the beach and a week (split into two little pieces) of visiting with my family that lives in the south. Oh man, they are funny and boy can they cook.

We drove home to Home State and got in at about 0400 time there. I could have been dropped off at my new home, but I wanted to go back to get my dog. So, mom let me come to Home State, pick up the puppy (she's about 9 now) and then mom drove puppy and I back to Small Town yesterday. Actually, I drove but she was there. She just left here for Home State about an hour ago. I miss her terribly already...

Paperwork finally went through and I got to register for my NCLEX! *screams silently in head* I'm terrified. This is scary!!! What if I fail? Then I have to pay to take it again and my nursing permit will be revoked so I will be out of work until I pass it. Oh goodness, how could I handle that? How could I handle another thing wrong, I still feel like I'm on a constant teeter-totter and could fall into a pit that I'll never be able to get out of. I feel like I could drown at any moment and just not take another breath because of sheer exhaustion of surviving. Anyway, since the paperwork is in and I registered for the NCLEX, it'll take up to 10 business days from the day they processed it for me to get my permit so I can start working. Hopefully it happens sooner than that because I'd really like to begin working. Mema says they have babies again which is good for me but scary for the poor parents. It's one of those double-edged swords that makes nursing difficult.

So, it's just me a Puppy figuring out how to live in Small Town and getting our schedules back in order. Praise the L-rd for His timing and His provisions. I'm just barely making it, with loans from my parents and my one credit card nearly maxed out (and hardly any money in the bank). Money is tighter right now than it was when I was in college! Ah well, I'm hoping everything will get settled here shortly.

So Beyond Frustrated

In this, the modern day where people can communicate across the world via email in a matter of seconds, New State decided that it still wants to operate in the Stone Ages.

About a month ago, I completed all steps on New State's board of nursing website in order to be able to get my attestation to test (go-ahead to schedule my NCLEX) and the one bit I had to have the school send, I talked to the lady and had her send it.

Fast forward to two weeks ago...

I received my copy of the school's paper (it's a form from the university letting the board of nursing know that I have, in fact, graduated the accredited nursing program) which was sent to me the same time it was sent to the board of nursing. I got it a couple days later and figured the board of nursing probably received it at about that time as well. The website says I have to wait 10 business days for it to be processed.

Fast forward to last friday...

I called the board of nursing and waited on hold for an hour!!! This wait simply allowed me to talk to a girl telling me to wait a couple more days until the 10 days had happened because they "probably received it, but haven't put it in the system yet". Okay, fine.

Fast forward to this Tuesday...

I checked online, as I had for the past two weeks, but still nothing had come through. Okay, maybe day #10 was too soon, I'll wait another day.

Wednesday...

Nothing.

Jump to today (Thursday)...

I called three times and was hung up on by the automated answering service because the call lines were "too busy at this time." What?! That's ridiculous! Why are there not more people employed here? I have to talk to somebody and figure this out. I've got a job that is waiting on me, no money, bills to pay. Now I have credit card debt, and no income because I'm waiting on the damn state to process a piece of paper...

I called a fourth time and it finally went through. Waited 20 minutes on hold while looking on the website for another number, any number, to get me through to a different phone line.



That's when I found it. I found a number to a specific person's phone line and when I called, he picked up right away! After about a 5 minute explanation of my current situation, mentioning the fact I had waited about 15 business days when the website says only 10, and I have a job waiting, the gentleman gave me about 10 excuses. One of them being that the department that processes graduates is currently "understaffed" and only 1-2 people working there on any given day. I remained kind and calm but in my head I was wondering why on earth they don't hire more people for that damn job. I get that 1-2 people are processing ALL of the paperwork for ALL of the applications that come through their state, but they know that graduations happen at least 2 times a year. You guys know this, why are you not banning vacations and hiring more people for these seasons so that the massive influx in paperwork doesn't make you get backed up all damn year? And why, oh why, are we still processing papers instead of emails??? Guys, we can make this easier for everybody if you'd just change things up a little bit and think things through better. Good heavens!

Whatever, he continued on (without me saying a word) and told me that he was sorry for the wait and that he would take my name, number, and a description of the problem down to that department and have them get in touch with me.

An hour later I received a call, from a girl down in the processing department, telling me that she couldn't find the letter/envelope/MY PAPERWORK.

Oh my gosh, I'm gonna lose it. I've been waiting for 3 fucking weeks and somewhere along this medieval process, I'm the one that got lost. Why when I have all my ducks in a row, I bust my butt to have everything on my end complete and I have a job waiting on me, does the process breakdown and cause me a boatload of extra stress that's completely unnecessary. I'm one of 2 people, out of about 60 nursing students who graduated in my class, who has not scheduled or been approved to take the NCLEX. The other girl is waiting, on purpose, because she doesn't have the money at this particular time. The other students don't all have jobs yet, but they've already taken and passed their NCLEX. Why did my form get lost? Why am I having to wait???

And what makes it even better, I emailed the only lady at my school that is able to send of that paper and she is on vacation until the 28th of June (about 4-5 days away). So, it'll take at least a week, probably more because she has a lot of emails backing up while she's gone, before she even gets my email. Then another few days to get the form situated and sent via snail mail. From then it'll take about a week to get to New State's board of nursing where I get to wait another 10+ business days for it to be processed.

At that rate, I'll be jobless for another month. I have no money. My parent's don't have $2000 to lend me for my July bills and I don't know what the hell to do. The board won't accept the copy that came to me from the school because their copy has to come "straight from the school." It can't be faxed or emailed because the board of nursing requires that the form be embossed with the nursing school's stamp in raised stampage form.

I'm so irritated. I don't know what to do or how to fix this because everything is literally out of my control. All I can do is wait on other people who seem to be taking their sweet time. I told the board and the lady at my school that I already have a job and I'm only waiting on them but that doesn't seem to help. Hell, at this rate I will fly back to Home State, pick up the sealed envelope myself, fly back down to New State and hand deliver the damn thing and watch them put it in the system that very moment JUST SO I CAN START WORKING! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

You may be thinking, "Bedpan Alley, maybe G-d is working this out for a particular reason! Maybe He is working on your patience! Maybe He is trying to get you to trust Him to provide and He does everything in His own time for His glory!!!" Yes, dear reader, I understand all of these things. Someday soon, I pray that I will get to update you all with excellent news saying that everything is situated and I get to start working. For the time being, I'm frustrated and angry that I was the one to fall through the cracks. I'm losing my mind from the stress of not being able to work for 1) I'm so excited to begin my job taking care of babies, 2) to have something to do with my time, 3) socialization, 4) money to pay my bills, and 5) to have something to do with my time!!! I don't handle extended periods of down-time well and I haven't worked since Christmas of 2015. Guys, it's June of 2016, and almost July. That's nearly 7 months without work and at least 2 months without even having school.

Guys, pray with me for a miracle here. I need it.

Life As a New Grad Nurse...???

There are seasons in my life where everything seems to be going wrong. When I say "wrong" I mean, life suffocates me and it's all I can do to crawl to the bathroom in the event that I have to pee. I spend days in bed sleeping, don't need to eat, drinking something like water only happens to get down the pills, and I am paralyzed.

There are other seasons, where, for the first time in a very long time, I will have weeks of good days and I may be excited about life for awhile. Times when I see the fruition of the L-rd's work and I suddenly believe that life will work out and cooperate for a bit.

Then, there are days like today... My short bit of life right before and following graduation were wonderful. I was full of hope, some anxiety but it was more nervous excitement than true anxiety, I was able to smile, I felt lighter, I was graduating nursing school! I had a job! I was moving to Small Town and I'm getting away from the town that has produced nothing but pain for me the past year or two. I was leaving the boys that destroyed my sense of self and I would not have to worry about seeing their trucks on the road any longer. I don't have to worry about seeing them at a bar or when I go out to supper with friends. I don't have to be concerned that I'll bump into one of their friends when I go out bowling or to the grocery store. There was a light at the end of my deep, dark, looooooooong tunnel and I was nearing it!

I am nearer to the light, but it's gotten a bit dim today. I haven't started work and I've been down here for nearly two weeks. I've been graduated from nursing school for over a month and still no money coming in. Without work, I haven't been able to meet new people. A highlight in my day involves going to the grocery store across the street because they help every single customer out to their car so I get to talk to the person that helps me out. This is my socialization. I've spent time with my Mema and other family who is down here, but everyone seems to be so busy! They keep asking me how my license is coming and it's irritating to only be able to say that I'm still waiting on the board of nursing for the state. I JUST WANT TO START WORKING!!!

I go on vacation in about a week and a half and really want to work before I go on that vacation.



Through nursing school, everyone tells you how scary it is to wait to take the NCLEX. They tell you how scary it is waiting for the results. They tell you how hard the first year of nursing is, but they explain that it will still be rewarding and exciting.

Nobody tells you about the month or two in between nursing school and the NCLEX/working where life seems to stand still. It's a struggle if you do have a job because you are now college educated, working your college job... Or, you might be like me, who took a semester off of work for various reasons, and now you're waiting on the governmental agency to get their shit together so that you can begin your life!!! I'm going nuts!

Thing is, I've had so many friends text me disappointed about not having a job yet, not being able to work, being scared about how they will pay their bills, worried that they aren't good enough to be a nurse because the local hospitals won't hire them because of the mass influx in new grads, and we're all terrified. Nobody told us about this season of self-doubt, depression, anxiousness, feelings of failure, frustration at the system, and disappointment in ourselves for even feeling these things.

Most of us are having a terribly difficult time. I slept until 12:30 p.m. today and haven't left my bed yet because I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel needed, I don't have friends to be able to see, I don't have money to be able to go do anything, and I can't see a purpose to get dressed or complete any task. Couple that with my nightmare I had last night (I'll tell you about it in my next post) and the flashbacks that are coming back in full force, I'm struggling. Now, I'm not as bad as I have been. This is the point where I can still turn my depressive episode around. All I have to do is find the energy and desire.

Moving On

Y'all, I woke up at about 0600 this morning with the thought that I only have 3 days living in Home State before I move...

All of a sudden, I couldn't sleep anymore.

Folks, it is summer and I just graduated from college. I should be sleeping in! Regardless, having blinds in my mom's RV (where I'm presently living with her) that do not keep sun out definitely contribute to the natural decline in melatonin once sunlight begins invading the bedroom. Thanks science! Haha, just kidding.

The past couple of weeks, I've been trying to get my NCLEX testing scheduled down there, got a house, working on getting my paperwork for my new NICU job completed and to who it goes to, and tying up various loose ends.

Well, the government takes awhile after they get the info via snail mail from my school. It doesn't help that I'm going to another state. I'm strapped for cash because I haven't worked since Christmas. I've been ridiculously antsy the past few weeks with nothing scheduled to do. I need to start working!

Oh L-rd, let the paperwork get done way faster than it normally would! Help me to get in and start working so that I can get a paycheck! L-rd, please provide for me so that I can pay m bills and get my responsibilities taken care of!!!

My mom recently reminded me that everything He does or doesn't do is an opportunity to build faith. He gives us desires in our heart, then fulfills them to show us that it was Him working the whole time.

Sometimes, He lets us look at houses for 3 days straight, in order to show us how bad it could be, before He finally provides a wonderful house with an amazing landlord team at the very last minute!

Sometimes, He allows us to be at the end of our funds and the end of our rope to show that He provides everything and that He allowed us to have enough funds to make it to our present situation. Granted, that can sometimes be misconstrued, but G-d gave me enough funds through school to be able to live comfortably and not have to work the final semester while I was going through counseling and getting finished with school! I am so very grateful for that because I don't think I could have finished school while working and dealing with the things counseling brought up.

G-d provided me with the perfect counselor for me, that was great with working with me where I was as I continued to heal. I was blessed with someone who did not make me rehash the same memories over and over, but allowed me to talk about them as I needed, while focusing on coping skills and rational thinking.

I was blessed with friendships that grew and faded over time, as was needed for me at any specific point in time.

The L-rd is orchestrating and leading my life. I get into trouble when I start trying to get Him to go my way, but He hasn't given up on me yet.

So, I move on Friday/Saturday. Dad borrowed a stock trailer and truck from my uncle and he and my mom will help me pack it up, drive there (across 2-3 states), then unload and get settled. Things that used to stress me or that would have stressed me before are no longer a huge deal. I was blessed by many family friends with gifts of $100 each, and one lady prayerfully decided to gift me with $500. When I opened the card and saw the check, I thought it was too much! Looking at my money situation right now... it looks like it is going to be just the right amount. And it left me floored.

If you so feel compelled, pray with me for blessings in my new adventures...

 L-rd, I need protection, favor, speedy government paper processing, and I could really use some funds! Thank you L-rd for your incredible blessings and for allowing me to be able to start seeing the many "little" miracles that show me you are still very real and very present in my life. I am constantly amazed at the ways you work on a daily basis and show me that you are still trying to lead and help me. Baruch HaShem

I thought it would be different...

Well guys, I just finished my last final of nursing school. You wanna know something? I passed! That means I graduate on Friday and I have the opportunity to sit for the NCLEX to see if I get to be a registered nurse or not.

I thought it would be different. I thought I would be so excited, celebrating with my many friends, and I figured I would have a better plan. I thought this was supposed to be a happy affair.

Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop frustrated with my lack of support, my family split, my dreams of a family crushed, regret over my past (guys and friends) encompassing me, stress over legal matters drowning me, and I'm living in an RV with my mom because my roomie "kicked" me out a week and a half early. I'm overwhelmed at the amount of seemingly bad circumstances I have been faced with, still knowing that other people face worse lives than mine.

I "graduated" counseling yesterday. We call it that because I used to tell my counselor that I was graduating a bunch of things all at the same time so we might as well call it graduating from counseling too. She approved and thought it was cute. Well, I fell like after yesterday, I hit new rough waters and now I need her back. Finishing counseling is supposed to be a good thing, but now it left me feeling like I'm not actually ready to face life on my own again just yet. I guess I'll try it for a couple weeks/months and then decide if I need to find another counselor once I move.

Graduation is supposed to be a happy time, but you know what? It's okay if it's a little sad or frustrating for you. It's sad and frustrating for me too.