Pregnant and Coping

Guys, I think I'm pregnant. I've been nauseous, moody, and all sorts of discombobulated for the past couple of months. Except it's physically impossible for me to be expecting because I know how babies are made and I didn't do that. I don't even hold hands with boys... So maybe I'm just stressed?

Next week is finals. I am coping by laying on the couch with my favorite blanket and watching children's movies (today's viewing is Croods). It's a wonder I am allowed to live on my own and take care of other people's loved ones seeing as I act like a 3-year-old any time I get stressed, sad, or otherwise not happy or at least normal.

In other news, I taught my pall how to drive stick today. Let's name her Pretty Princess. So, PP is one of the other girls in my nursing program and we met last year through Best Friend in the dorms. She is hilarious and stupid gorgeous. Like, I'm jealous that she is so charismatic, thin, gorgeous, and smart. But, hey, I'm blessed that I met her and that we found Big Red on the first day because we make quite the trio. BR was also with us as we were practicing starting and stopping in the parking lot outside of our nursing school. Oh man, it was so hilarious! All three of us yelling jokes and names at each other and just having a good time with it. I needed this so bad and it was awesome therapy.

I got a little carried away with pictures so enjoy this never-ending stream of pictures/memes I found on Google!

Shiftin' Gears

I'm going to start with a confession. Several really, but the main one is that I like to shift really fast in my manual car when I am stressed. For some reason it helps me blow off some steam. I don't go fast enough that I get a "fast driving award" (my uncle's name for a speeding ticket), I just shift faster than all of the automatic cars next to me and I feel like a boss!

So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.

Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.

I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!

Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...

Bad Driver, That's Me...

There is a good chance that you have heard that women are terrible drivers. This is not completely true and it is not a complete lie. When my friend and I went apartment shopping, I was the designated driver, and it was not a great experience for her, as I have recently been informed of, in front of a huge group of my friends. I was the butt of nearly 10 minutes worth of jokes, but I just laughed along. They were pretty funny, and somewhat true, but that doesn't mean they didn't hurt just a little and I was embarrassed. Now, I can refuse to drive people, because I'm a bad driver...

Just to give you an idea of how bad, let's review the points she brought up, and a couple she failed to mention:

1. I almost ran a stop sign. (I was looking at apartment complexes and just missed the little red sign. Fortunately, she pointed it out and I stopped with no problem.)
2. According to her, I ran into a little column that sticks out in random parking spaces in our university's parking garage. (My story: I did not run into it, I tapped it, with my car, because I was not sure how long my car was, but it was a minor tap!)
3. She failed to mention that I slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light even though she told me to just go through it.
4. Also, I drive a stick shift, and I am not a smooth shifter (she didn't say this).

So, clearly I am a terrible driver. I am actually aware that I am not a good driver, it just sucks to be made fun of in front of all my friends... But hey, it's cool, whatever. I get made fun of for lots of stuff. Then I change the behavior or practice, then I'm not so bad. I guess, this will have to be one of those times where I just practice and get better so that I cannot be mocked anymore. Even though it stings, I think this may be beneficial, because at least someone is honest with me so that I can make others more comfortable.


Also, I have noticed that I do the "..." thing a lot. I really am fond of it and I would put it in a lot more, but I figure I overuse it. How can you not though? It's like one of my favorite things!

Crazy Weekend

First of all, Shabbat Shalom!

I'm shaking up this arrangement from the normal way I write my posts because I have so much to say, so there is a list highlighting what I am talking about and explanations. This is so you don't have to read the whole thing, if you don't want, because I write a lot!

Daily Thanksgivings:
1) I completed the full set of stairs (a ridiculous hike)
2) met an OB/GYN who is going to let me shadow her!
3) have a job 
4) made new friends and got to do some "team" bonding
5) my friends and I played hide-and-seek
6) I got to teach my friend how to drive my stick-shift

As a suddenly ambitious and newly social person, I decided to go on a hike today. Mind you, this was not a typical strolling through the woods type of hike. This was nearly a million steps, going up the side of a mountain which is about a mile up. I went in a group of about 7 (including me) and I was the last one up, but I made it! Also, it took me two hours and my friends had to wait at the top for a long time... the one person that made it up the fastest waited an hour for me. But he is a beast! Two of my girlfriends were with him and I have no clue how they managed that. But some people make it up in under 20 minutes! How on earth can anyone do that?! Anyway, I had some awesome guys that stayed behind and waited while I moved at a glacial pace. One guy is a really close friend and the other one was an acquaintance, but this whole ordeal was an excellent team bonding experience. If anyone has a chance to climb a million and three stares, do it. I'm super out of shape and almost turned around half way up the hike, but I had great friends and the good kind of peer pressure to reach the top of this ridiculous flight of stairs.

Now, on Friday, I went to a networking banquet at school for people who are pre-health (pre-med, pre-vet, pre-physical therapy, pre-dentistry, etc.). You probably know that I am a nursing student, and that wasn't technically allowed... but my friend asked me to go with her so we fudged and said I was interested in  pre-physicians assistant, seeing as they don't have any category for nursing or Midwifery. Anyway, there were only 1-2 doctors out of the 18 or so guests who are professionals in one of the medical fields mentioned above. One of the doctors was an OB/GYN. She was so nice! She started as a CNA, then got her BSN (RN), then went to med school and is now a doctor. I am so beyond stoked, after talking to her, to become a midwife you have no idea. Some doctors aren't even super cool with midwifes, but she was excited I was going down that road. Even though there were 3-4 other girls talking to her with me, she kept turning the conversation back to me. Guys, she even said she would let me watch a live, vaginal birth and even a c-section!!! I'm not even in clinicals yet and she is going to let me shadow her and watch these things. I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am and how happy I am that I snuck into that banquet. G-d is totally putting people in my path and He is encouraging me in the most surprising and excellent ways.

Tomorrow, I go back to work for the first time in 2 weekends and three weeks. I am super nervous and scared, but I'm praying that it goes well. At least I don't have to wear a mask tomorrow! That's a plus.

For those of you who are in college or have gone to college, you probably know that college students act like little kids again. We (some of us, me included) play outside on almost a daily basis, play silly pool games and we do all sorts of other things that we had probably not done since the second grade. Regardless, we have a blast! Hide-and-seek was so much fun last night, then we played pickle (aka sardines) which is like the opposite of hide-and-seek. But it was a blast playing on campus! We are supposed to be adults but hat is definitely not how we act sometimes. One friend even hid so well that we were all looking for him for nearly an hour. That's crazy! Thankfully we had phones so we were texting him the whole time, but goodness!

After the crazy hike today, I also taught my friend how to drive my stick-shift car. He did so amazingly well. He didn't stall at all except for one time when he was trying to start out in 1st gear on a hill, which is really hard to do when you first start out. I am so proud of him, he did such a great job!!!

So, that was my weekend... How was yours?

Dreamin'

Do y'all ever have dreams you wish would not end because they are so fun or something you really wanted to happen? I hate those dreams because I wake up sad that they are not real life. Ok, that was harsh. I actually really like those dreams and I only have a slight dissappointment that they are not real. But for me, it is like watching a love story. You get so involved in what is happening in the movie (or the dream) and then by the time you get back to real life, it is not nearly as exciting or anything like you would have wanted. I believe that the romantic movies, books, songs and ideals that we are being bombarded with (or at least offered) are resulting in unrealistic expectations and ideas when it comes to dating and marriage. I know, this is like the 50th post I have done about this topic, but it's really frustrating to me. If I could choose, I want to go back in time to the late 1800's. At this time, modesty was a requirement for all, food was home-grown, and boys had to ask your parents before they could even court (date) you at all. In that system, the parents were able to consider the boy's parents, his history, schooling, age and so on. Then the parents of the girl used their fully developed prefrontal cortex in order to make an educated decision as to whether or not to let the girl even try to make a relationship work. I know, there were arranged marriages and not everyone was happy. But, dating was not a thing of the heart, it was thought through, discussed and considered by many viewpoints. Ideally, this method would save a lot of heartache because there is little chance for the girl or boy to date 25 people by the time they are 18.

Perhaps, I should just make myself stop dreaming... Just like I can make myself avoid chick-flicks, romance novels, country music and so forth. I could just make myself stop dreaming and day-dreaming to avoid my own mental role-playing games of what I wish would happen. Of course, this is likely impossible, so off to the drawing board I go in hopes of becoming less cynical and depressed over stuff that has not happened.

Daily Thanksgiving: I get to teach my friend how to drive stick-shift today and I have all day to clean and study! That really is a thanksgiving because I don't have school thrown in the mix. Also, HESI studying is not as bad as I thought it would be, it is just tedious and I don't take the HESI for a few more months but I am getting started early which should help me out a little.