I stumbled upon this blog, and it hits close to home. This young lady lost her husband in a car wreck that she was present during.
Her post about Job is something that I very much relate to. I did not lose a husband, but the thoughts of suffering, grief, pain, and the roller coaster that is present after trauma is very much in line with revelations that were made to me in the aftermath of my traumas. I remember reading Job after I broke up with exfiance. Of all the times I had read it before my two years of hellish life events, I never understood how Job could continue to love the L-rd, how he could be so grief stricken one moment, and yet defend the L-rd. Having lived through the shit I've somehow survived, it somehow makes a little bit more sense now. I've been to the place where I was in so much pain I was praying the L-rd just end my suffering. Let's be real, I still have a few days like that here and there. I have been to the point of not caring, of being so broken and hopeless that I was sure life couldn't get worse, and then it did. Yet, I believe the L-rd brought me through. I have no idea why. Why this was my lot in life and why certain people experience things while others don't.
However, I have met so many people that simply don't understand how to be empathetic. They sing worship songs about suffering, sadness, loneliness, and pain, but it means something different to them than it does to me. I know this because of how they talk about the songs and also because I used to be there. The songs about suffering and loss used to remind me of wanting a boyfriend, losing belongings, or otherwise being sad that I was not handed all of my wants and desires on a silver platter. Now, having been through the events that put me here today, these songs remind me of the horrors I have endured and how I am still standing. Songs of salvation, forgiveness, love, and redemption bring me still that sting of intense pain (and typically a lot of tears), but also a sweeter peace than I knew before. I know the L-rd in ways I never thought imaginable and through it all, I feel like I know who I am just a little bit better. I praise the L-rd that many people do not understand this shift I am talking of, and I don't hold it against anyone because I don't want anyone to have to suffer in order to understand what I feel. But I am so very glad that despite the evils done to me, there is some hope and some type of silver lining to the brokenness and struggle of my life.
Please visit Ms. Murri's blog here and her other one here (though it only has a couple of posts). She's a great writer and doesn't ramble on like some people we know *cough, cough, wink, wink (me...)*
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Struggle of This New Nurse
As my orientation season begins to wrap up, I can't help but think about how I felt when I started, and also how I'm not sure I can do it on my own. So far I can get the basics down, but there is always someone watching me and right next to me.
When I need another syringe, they are right there supervising and will run and get it. They are there to answer my millions of questions, without me ever having to leave the baby's bedside. They help one mom breastfeed as I assess and situate the next baby on my assignment list. They make milk, give baths, and do all of the cares that I cannot seem to fit into my work list because I am still slow in the tasks I do as I begin to figure out my muscle memory and routines. They help remind me when I have a med to give, I need to look at labs, and they help me be able to talk to the providers (NNP and neonatalogists) so that I do not get eaten alive just yet.
As I begin to get down the basics, I'm finding more and more that I am so far from knowing how to be a nurse on my own. Orientation for me ends at the end of September. I finished my last day shift orientation yesterday and I begin night shift orientation on Sunday...
To say "the struggle is real" is an understatement.
As I go about learning the ins and outs of a "typical" day, I have found some serious things I struggle with:
So, here I am, about to be pushed off a cliff. Time to see if I will sink or swim.
When I need another syringe, they are right there supervising and will run and get it. They are there to answer my millions of questions, without me ever having to leave the baby's bedside. They help one mom breastfeed as I assess and situate the next baby on my assignment list. They make milk, give baths, and do all of the cares that I cannot seem to fit into my work list because I am still slow in the tasks I do as I begin to figure out my muscle memory and routines. They help remind me when I have a med to give, I need to look at labs, and they help me be able to talk to the providers (NNP and neonatalogists) so that I do not get eaten alive just yet.
As I begin to get down the basics, I'm finding more and more that I am so far from knowing how to be a nurse on my own. Orientation for me ends at the end of September. I finished my last day shift orientation yesterday and I begin night shift orientation on Sunday...
To say "the struggle is real" is an understatement.
As I go about learning the ins and outs of a "typical" day, I have found some serious things I struggle with:
- Breastfeeding. I don't have children. I don't know what it is like to breastfeed. I try to learn what I can from the nurses I am precepting under, but I feel terribly unqualified. When parents and grandparents of the babies ask if I have kids, I have to shamefully respond that I do not. That is followed with them asking how old I am and how much schooling I have left... Apparently the make-up I decided to start wearing so parents wouldn't be freaked out with how young I am, isn't working at all.
- Families. The baby's families scare me. For every sweet, loving, adoring, easy family, there is an equally "different" family just down the hall. The kind of family that tells you they were a NICU nurse at the hospital I work at, but after further investigation you learn they were in the float pool and only floated the NICU one night to act as our unit secretary because we were severely short-staffed. There are families where we worry if the parents are on too many pain killers because they are falling asleep holding their 3 pound baby and asking the same question over and over. There are the families that we wonder about the safety of the mom because the dad is overbearing and there are signs of domestic violence. Parents who don't seem interested in the child. Women who tell the staff they will be adopting a baby that is in our NICU, throw a fit when they are not allowed to see said baby because we have no paperwork to say they will be the kid's guardian, and then we find out later there was never a plan for this lady to ever be involved in the care of the kid. Now, many of these situations are simply the stories from the nurses I've worked with, but I have experienced some of them between the few hospitals I worked at in Home State and now Small Town Hospital. Parents/family members scare me! They blame us for what has happened to the baby even when the kid would have died if we didn't come help. They get upset with us for a positive drug screen in a 2 hour old infant, but I know we aren't the ones doing drugs through the pregnancy... I get that many of them are scare, and coping (though not always effectively coping), and they are in a situation that was unexpected and stressful. I get that. But I need serious practice with the parents and family members.
- Time management. As soon as I feel like I get caught up, a kid pukes, poops, pees, or the family comes in and puts me right back to being behind. Through in a child needing a bath and bed change and I don't know how I will ever do it without having my preceptor there to help me out.
- Remembering all of the "little" things. Little things like checking the med list for the babies every time I do an assessment so that I'm not late with antibiotics. Knowing how to give certain medications... Knowing who to ask for, how to ask, and what to do when I am needing a certain supply. Remembering the normal vital ranges and care tasks for babies when I am still so used to adult numbers and cares.
- Staying out of the cliques. Now, this one is a little different for me because I already have a target on my back. My grandmother (Mema) works in the NICU at my hospital. She has been there for years and years and years. My great aunt (Mema's sister) is the DON of the floor containing the NICU, L&D, the women's med/surg specialty floor, newborn nursery, and other various similar care departments. She is also the one who does the hiring and runs the meetings... So, you can see how many of the girls on the floor could be concerned and upset with me working there. Throw in the fact that night-shift NICU crew is known throughout the hospital for being ridiculously "cliquey" and I already starting with a handful of major disadvantages. So, while I need to work on time-management and all of these other things so that I can be "on-time" with all of the tasks I need to do, I am so very grateful that I am slow and always having something to do to stay busy because it keeps me from even being in a place where I could have downtime to have to talk with the girls. Maybe, by the time I get to a place where I am okay at being a NICU nurse, I will be so used to being busy that I will remain out of the clique scene all-together and nobody will ever know that there is another way for it to be.
So, here I am, about to be pushed off a cliff. Time to see if I will sink or swim.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Don't Tell Me What I Believe
It's a well-known joke in my family that I got three doses of stubbornness. One from my mom, one from my dad, and one from my mema. I have a hard head and a lot of opinions. My brain is constantly going and I analyze just about everything I hear and see in order to try to figure out how the world around me works and how I fit in within that world.
Recently I met a guy. He is studying history in an attempt to eventually get a PhD in Old Testament theology or something. We get into some discussions about beliefs, but it often stops at a fairly shallow level in order to avoid offending the other party. He makes sly remarks now and again about Messianic beliefs, and I normally bite my tongue and let him go on. 1) because I'm not great at defending my beliefs, even though I have poured hours and hours into researching and figuring out what I believe and 2) because I don't want to step on toes. I have very strong beliefs that do not commonly match up with other people's beliefs, but that doesn't mean I think anyone else should believe this way just because I do. I don't want to change anyone's beliefs, that's not my job. I may be wrong, they may be wrong. Maybe we're all wrong! Who knows?!
Regardless, this guy also started saying some things about how midwives "take over the role the husband should be playing during the birthing process" and so he doesn't believe they should be used and a doctor's management of labor/birth is a better plan. OOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! Son, you did not just say that! Oh child, yes he did.
After a week or two of me holding my tongue and gently reminding him over and over that I want to be a midwife. He said it again. This time, since I had been contemplating what I would say the next time he uttered those despicable words, I had an answer. First, I asked where he got his info. Then I added in my own experience and the research I had found. We had a nice little discussion and he now says he doesn't think they would be that bad to use. Maybe he was just trying to not get in a bigger discussion, but I sure hope I was actually able to change his view on midwifes because they are not in the business of "taking over" the husband's role. Nurse-midwives are essentially the nurse practitioner version of an OB/GYN but they do not perform the cesareans themselves. Mostly, nurse-midwives manage women for well-woman visits, healthy/low-risk pregnancies and births, as well as birth control and other woman's health areas. OB/GYNs are versed in the high-risk and complicated pregnancies and births. It's not that either is better than the other, I think there are just different times to use each along with pro's and con's of both.
Now, getting back to theological discussions, he keeps making remarks as if he knows all about what Messianic's believe. I can tell you right now that most of what he tells me about what Messianic's supposedly believe are not things that I have heard of Messianic's actually believing... I don't know where he's getting his info, but I think that if you are going to discuss beliefs with somebody you should maybe ask them what they believe instead of talking like you know their position... Maybe that's just me...
Still, he doesn't degrade me the way ex-fiance did or even the way ex-boyfriend did. It's weird being able to be heard and also being able to actually talk during a discussion because we're both actually discussing things instead of one person (him, a.k.a. ex-fiance) yelling at the other (me). So, even though I'm infuriated with the process and the way in which he (new guy) thinks he knows it all, he still seems to at least give me a moment to explain my side, when I get the gumption to be able to share my side because I'm still used to remaining shut down talking to people.
I don't feel like we're compatible for marriage or dating, but it's still nice to be able to work on my discussion/debate skills and work on being able to stand up for my beliefs while knowing how to walk away, if the need should so arise.
I'm fully aware that my beliefs are really weird and that I'm too damn stubborn on most issues. I get it. However, if everybody stood for nothing, would anyone on the earth be able to have convictions and would we get anything done? Our passions are what make us unique and valuable. My odd thoughts on the way the Bible is written and how the world works gives me different insights into what is needed on earth than my neighbor might have. With these different beliefs and views, we (the people of the world) have a chance at finding creative solutions to the troubles we encounter in our every day lives. Right?
I dream of the miraculous. I'm not talking walking on water, turning water into wine, or any of the other amazing things talked of in the Bible. My desire of a personal miracle is simply to be blessed with a guy why is so incredibly good to me and the kids we could potentially have. Kind, sweet, gentle but strong, able to provide, and somebody who not only respects my beliefs but believes similarly so that we are not constantly fighting. How hard would that be? Somebody to support my dreams and career goals while also having goals and a strong career of his own. However, of course, I would want him home for supper and able to get off for children's events and to be there for sports and whatnot. Somebody who knows how to take care of cattle, livestock, and horses and who could allow us to have land with all sorts of animals and horses. Ideally, this guy is super smart, but kind and humble and still goofy/silly/easy-going, especially when I need him to help me relax. I want somebody who believes in the traditional roles that I believe in and see in the Bible so that I can focus on serving him, as a wife, and he works with me to set up a great household for ourselves and kids. I want someone to inspire, and spoil, and love on, and encourage, and grow old with. Somebody that knows I love him and who loves me right back so that we never have to question it with each other. I want a best friend, a leader, a supporter, and somebody that is somehow excited and comforted to find me, of all people.
My list goes on. I know the Good L-rd performs miracles every day, I'm simply asking that maybe, if it be His will, that I be blessed with an amazing guy that allows me to know that G-d is willing to allow amazing things in my life so that I forget the evilness of ex-bf and ex-fiance.
Recently I met a guy. He is studying history in an attempt to eventually get a PhD in Old Testament theology or something. We get into some discussions about beliefs, but it often stops at a fairly shallow level in order to avoid offending the other party. He makes sly remarks now and again about Messianic beliefs, and I normally bite my tongue and let him go on. 1) because I'm not great at defending my beliefs, even though I have poured hours and hours into researching and figuring out what I believe and 2) because I don't want to step on toes. I have very strong beliefs that do not commonly match up with other people's beliefs, but that doesn't mean I think anyone else should believe this way just because I do. I don't want to change anyone's beliefs, that's not my job. I may be wrong, they may be wrong. Maybe we're all wrong! Who knows?!
Regardless, this guy also started saying some things about how midwives "take over the role the husband should be playing during the birthing process" and so he doesn't believe they should be used and a doctor's management of labor/birth is a better plan. OOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! Son, you did not just say that! Oh child, yes he did.
After a week or two of me holding my tongue and gently reminding him over and over that I want to be a midwife. He said it again. This time, since I had been contemplating what I would say the next time he uttered those despicable words, I had an answer. First, I asked where he got his info. Then I added in my own experience and the research I had found. We had a nice little discussion and he now says he doesn't think they would be that bad to use. Maybe he was just trying to not get in a bigger discussion, but I sure hope I was actually able to change his view on midwifes because they are not in the business of "taking over" the husband's role. Nurse-midwives are essentially the nurse practitioner version of an OB/GYN but they do not perform the cesareans themselves. Mostly, nurse-midwives manage women for well-woman visits, healthy/low-risk pregnancies and births, as well as birth control and other woman's health areas. OB/GYNs are versed in the high-risk and complicated pregnancies and births. It's not that either is better than the other, I think there are just different times to use each along with pro's and con's of both.
Now, getting back to theological discussions, he keeps making remarks as if he knows all about what Messianic's believe. I can tell you right now that most of what he tells me about what Messianic's supposedly believe are not things that I have heard of Messianic's actually believing... I don't know where he's getting his info, but I think that if you are going to discuss beliefs with somebody you should maybe ask them what they believe instead of talking like you know their position... Maybe that's just me...
Still, he doesn't degrade me the way ex-fiance did or even the way ex-boyfriend did. It's weird being able to be heard and also being able to actually talk during a discussion because we're both actually discussing things instead of one person (him, a.k.a. ex-fiance) yelling at the other (me). So, even though I'm infuriated with the process and the way in which he (new guy) thinks he knows it all, he still seems to at least give me a moment to explain my side, when I get the gumption to be able to share my side because I'm still used to remaining shut down talking to people.
I don't feel like we're compatible for marriage or dating, but it's still nice to be able to work on my discussion/debate skills and work on being able to stand up for my beliefs while knowing how to walk away, if the need should so arise.
I'm fully aware that my beliefs are really weird and that I'm too damn stubborn on most issues. I get it. However, if everybody stood for nothing, would anyone on the earth be able to have convictions and would we get anything done? Our passions are what make us unique and valuable. My odd thoughts on the way the Bible is written and how the world works gives me different insights into what is needed on earth than my neighbor might have. With these different beliefs and views, we (the people of the world) have a chance at finding creative solutions to the troubles we encounter in our every day lives. Right?
I dream of the miraculous. I'm not talking walking on water, turning water into wine, or any of the other amazing things talked of in the Bible. My desire of a personal miracle is simply to be blessed with a guy why is so incredibly good to me and the kids we could potentially have. Kind, sweet, gentle but strong, able to provide, and somebody who not only respects my beliefs but believes similarly so that we are not constantly fighting. How hard would that be? Somebody to support my dreams and career goals while also having goals and a strong career of his own. However, of course, I would want him home for supper and able to get off for children's events and to be there for sports and whatnot. Somebody who knows how to take care of cattle, livestock, and horses and who could allow us to have land with all sorts of animals and horses. Ideally, this guy is super smart, but kind and humble and still goofy/silly/easy-going, especially when I need him to help me relax. I want somebody who believes in the traditional roles that I believe in and see in the Bible so that I can focus on serving him, as a wife, and he works with me to set up a great household for ourselves and kids. I want someone to inspire, and spoil, and love on, and encourage, and grow old with. Somebody that knows I love him and who loves me right back so that we never have to question it with each other. I want a best friend, a leader, a supporter, and somebody that is somehow excited and comforted to find me, of all people.
My list goes on. I know the Good L-rd performs miracles every day, I'm simply asking that maybe, if it be His will, that I be blessed with an amazing guy that allows me to know that G-d is willing to allow amazing things in my life so that I forget the evilness of ex-bf and ex-fiance.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
New to the NICU
I have been with the same preceptor for several weeks now, but I requested a change so that I would be able to see how the other nurses go about organizing their day and also so I could get some chances to work with the vent babies and see all that I could while I'm still on orientation.
So, I got put with a different nurse on Tuesday, after rocking it with my original preceptor on Monday. Guys, on Tuesday the original lady said she missed me because I was starting to do so well! She also mentioned she missed me because she was having to do actual work that day... Not certain if that tells you anything about preceptor-ship or not but my teachers keep disappearing throughout the days they have me...
Any who, I ran a little bit late on Tuesday, the times that I waited for my lady to come help, but when I got to do what I knew I needed to do, I did just fine! She came and found me finishing up my second assessment (on time, mind you) and she helped me by making milk for the next shift while I charted! She told me she was going to be my assistant for the day and let me try to be the nurse and hey, I did it! We even got in a bath for one kid and put the other one on a nasal cannula instead of a CPAP device. Well, she changed over the CPAP to cannula with a respiratory therapist while I started on the first baby. The vent babies now scare me a little less, and I think I can hopefully start to care for two babies pretty consistently now. I know I kept their beeping down to a minimum because I actually stayed with the kids all day instead of remaining in the nurses station where the beeping gets insanely loud with all the babies going off at the same time.
What have I learned? I learned to do what I need to do without waiting for my preceptor. If they are nowhere to be found and I can start on some kind of task, then I just need to go ahead and do that. I learned this in nursing school too. I avoided my instructors all the day long! and had much easier days than the students who went to the instructor instead of their primary nurses. Hahaha, don't learn from me kids, I just need a lot more independence to learn than many of my friends seemed to choose. Keeping away from my preceptors and instructors ensure for me that they are not meddling in my work. If I know what I need to do, I can take their advice after I'm done (as long as it is safe for me to do so, I ask questions when I'm not sure and scared about hurting somebody, don't get me wrong). However, for routine things not involving needles, IVs, transporting, changing machines, or other safety issues, I do what I know I need to do without waiting for them because I'd still be waiting there for help, and it's been four days.
I've certainly had my days of feeling completely worthless. Even now, I miss a lot of things, but going from a very "on the ball" nurse to one who is great at teaching and letting me fix my own mistakes with no ridicule, I'm glad I asked for a change. Yes, I was just starting to get to the point where I knew my original preceptor and could anticipate all that she wanted me to do. But every once in a while, she would remember something I miss that I never learned and I would get in trouble for not knowing to do it. With my new nurse, I learned about vents, changing from CPAP for a nasal cannula for a baby, and also how to care for micro premies. She is more gracious when I get behind and has a "go-with-the-flow" attitude that reminds me a lot of my mom. She lets me figure out what I missed on my own and while I attempt to be more strict on myself and I try to imitate my original preceptors nursing ability much more closely, I connect and learn better from my preceptor now who lets me try to figure it out on my own and doesn't make me feel bad for missing things.
So, I got put with a different nurse on Tuesday, after rocking it with my original preceptor on Monday. Guys, on Tuesday the original lady said she missed me because I was starting to do so well! She also mentioned she missed me because she was having to do actual work that day... Not certain if that tells you anything about preceptor-ship or not but my teachers keep disappearing throughout the days they have me...
Any who, I ran a little bit late on Tuesday, the times that I waited for my lady to come help, but when I got to do what I knew I needed to do, I did just fine! She came and found me finishing up my second assessment (on time, mind you) and she helped me by making milk for the next shift while I charted! She told me she was going to be my assistant for the day and let me try to be the nurse and hey, I did it! We even got in a bath for one kid and put the other one on a nasal cannula instead of a CPAP device. Well, she changed over the CPAP to cannula with a respiratory therapist while I started on the first baby. The vent babies now scare me a little less, and I think I can hopefully start to care for two babies pretty consistently now. I know I kept their beeping down to a minimum because I actually stayed with the kids all day instead of remaining in the nurses station where the beeping gets insanely loud with all the babies going off at the same time.
What have I learned? I learned to do what I need to do without waiting for my preceptor. If they are nowhere to be found and I can start on some kind of task, then I just need to go ahead and do that. I learned this in nursing school too. I avoided my instructors all the day long! and had much easier days than the students who went to the instructor instead of their primary nurses. Hahaha, don't learn from me kids, I just need a lot more independence to learn than many of my friends seemed to choose. Keeping away from my preceptors and instructors ensure for me that they are not meddling in my work. If I know what I need to do, I can take their advice after I'm done (as long as it is safe for me to do so, I ask questions when I'm not sure and scared about hurting somebody, don't get me wrong). However, for routine things not involving needles, IVs, transporting, changing machines, or other safety issues, I do what I know I need to do without waiting for them because I'd still be waiting there for help, and it's been four days.
I've certainly had my days of feeling completely worthless. Even now, I miss a lot of things, but going from a very "on the ball" nurse to one who is great at teaching and letting me fix my own mistakes with no ridicule, I'm glad I asked for a change. Yes, I was just starting to get to the point where I knew my original preceptor and could anticipate all that she wanted me to do. But every once in a while, she would remember something I miss that I never learned and I would get in trouble for not knowing to do it. With my new nurse, I learned about vents, changing from CPAP for a nasal cannula for a baby, and also how to care for micro premies. She is more gracious when I get behind and has a "go-with-the-flow" attitude that reminds me a lot of my mom. She lets me figure out what I missed on my own and while I attempt to be more strict on myself and I try to imitate my original preceptors nursing ability much more closely, I connect and learn better from my preceptor now who lets me try to figure it out on my own and doesn't make me feel bad for missing things.
Search for a Greater Meaning
When I look around, I see a lot of people going about with their daily life. They get a few years down the road, and look around realizing that they spent a good chunk of their life in a haze. They were so busy, so caught up, and so exhausted that they just survived in their day-to-day life.
Meanwhile, I look at dolphins swimming in their little herds (I don't know the fancy name for their groups... school? pack? family? whatever) and they seem so content and engaged in their play. They're just playing! They swim together, swimming with waves and jumping over the waves, and going about their business.
Dogs live to have their people come home (if their people are nice or at least not beating them.) Even still, they remain joyful, excited, loving, engaged, and wholly pure. Even after a dog has been abused it's entire life, there is hope that, with the right person to love on them unconditionally, their broken hearts can be mended. Or there are those strays who wander around small towns making friends with all of the locals and find joy in running their rounds each day and then napping in the shade of a tree.
These creatures are so sure and positive of their life. They are engaged and don't watch time go by. Yet, they seem to know they have a higher purpose. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this and I'm over thinking everything. Actually, there's a good chance that is happening. However, from what I observe, they have a higher purpose in the simple daily life they live. They have found purpose in the hundreds of small things they do in a day.
I told my counselor (a few months ago when I was in counseling) that one of my goals (in a little exercise we did) was to find purpose and meaning for my life. She told me to focus on the "here and now" because I was still in crisis mode. She also mentioned that many times people don't necessarily discover the higher purpose of their life, while here on earth because it's something people have been thinking about and searching for over thousands, millions?, of years.
Still, there is some pull to discover why it is that I'm here. I'm so sick of the day-to-day nonsense of adulthood. The business and technology that takes over each day. The fickle emotions that cause me to ride this awful roller coaster (I'm pretty certain I'm out of my little manic season and headed back down). There's got to be more. More than graduating college, working, finding a nice companion to hopefully not beat me the rest of my days, having children, and finding myself suddenly on my death bed with a whole life full of memories that nobody will get to inherit. Those memories will end with me. There has to be some reason that I was kept alive through the various things that should have killed me.
Perhaps someday some light will be shed on this for me. If not, I guess it's a noble quest to figure it out.
Meanwhile, I look at dolphins swimming in their little herds (I don't know the fancy name for their groups... school? pack? family? whatever) and they seem so content and engaged in their play. They're just playing! They swim together, swimming with waves and jumping over the waves, and going about their business.
Dogs live to have their people come home (if their people are nice or at least not beating them.) Even still, they remain joyful, excited, loving, engaged, and wholly pure. Even after a dog has been abused it's entire life, there is hope that, with the right person to love on them unconditionally, their broken hearts can be mended. Or there are those strays who wander around small towns making friends with all of the locals and find joy in running their rounds each day and then napping in the shade of a tree.
These creatures are so sure and positive of their life. They are engaged and don't watch time go by. Yet, they seem to know they have a higher purpose. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this and I'm over thinking everything. Actually, there's a good chance that is happening. However, from what I observe, they have a higher purpose in the simple daily life they live. They have found purpose in the hundreds of small things they do in a day.
I told my counselor (a few months ago when I was in counseling) that one of my goals (in a little exercise we did) was to find purpose and meaning for my life. She told me to focus on the "here and now" because I was still in crisis mode. She also mentioned that many times people don't necessarily discover the higher purpose of their life, while here on earth because it's something people have been thinking about and searching for over thousands, millions?, of years.
Still, there is some pull to discover why it is that I'm here. I'm so sick of the day-to-day nonsense of adulthood. The business and technology that takes over each day. The fickle emotions that cause me to ride this awful roller coaster (I'm pretty certain I'm out of my little manic season and headed back down). There's got to be more. More than graduating college, working, finding a nice companion to hopefully not beat me the rest of my days, having children, and finding myself suddenly on my death bed with a whole life full of memories that nobody will get to inherit. Those memories will end with me. There has to be some reason that I was kept alive through the various things that should have killed me.
Perhaps someday some light will be shed on this for me. If not, I guess it's a noble quest to figure it out.
Monday, August 22, 2016
A Little Exciting News
So, in the midst of what feels like a continual life storm at this point... I have a few points of good news!
1) I fixed my dryer yesterday. All by myself! I woke up Friday, trying to throw my scrub pants into the dryer really quick because I had washed them for work. Well, the dryer was sounding like it was working, but it was not tumbling. Great. I proceeded to dry my pants, with a hair dryer, and went to work with wet pants. Have you ever done that? Oh my gosh, wet pants are AWFUL!!!
Oh well, I called my dad on Saturday, told him what was going on and that I thought the belt had broken. He agreed that's what it sounded like. So, I took my dryer apart Sunday in hopes that I would fix it and not make it worse. Turns out the belt had simply slipped off the tension spring instead of breaking completely. Praise the L-rd!
2) I took care of 2 babies successfully, mostly on my own, for two days now! I was really struggling because i had 2 days of feeling like I had just been put through the wringer and criticized for everything even though I had gotten no instruction on how to do things... That was frustrating. Well, whatever. I shook it off and went back for another day. Friday and today (Monday) ended up turning out really well! I know two babies don't sound like much, but I'm finally getting to the point where I forget less and less during my assessments and during the day. I'm beginning to remember the various nuances and strange rules that occur in the NICU. And I am starting to find my newbie groove while simultaneously keeping most poop and urine off of the baby's bedding. Yay! (Guys, I had an incident involving projectile shit in an isolette. Add in a flailing baby and you can just imagine the art work created. While walking away from that baby's room about 30 minutes after the incident, I found a lovely, long, brown streak going down the length of my forearm. *sigh* The struggle.
3) Last, but not least, I PASSED THE NCLEX!!! Do y'all know what that means? That means I am a Real/Registered/Redneck Nurse. In case you missed it, that is three was to define the term of R.N. and they ALL describe me! I'm now a Real Nurse (maybe a baby or adolescent nurse, but I'm a real nurse), I am a Registered Nurse (of course, that's what the hospital and Board of Nursing call me), and I'm also a Redneck Nurse (as described my my nursing class and those who know me best). Guys, I am so very glad and excited to be done!
As you may know, I've been working as a graduate nurse and have been signing my name at work (as necessary) as BedpanAlley, GN. Well, today I got to sign it BedpanAlley, RN! AND I got a new badge changing the GN to RN!!! So, so, so excited and relieved.
Well, seeing as I have to go to work again tomorrow, which means I get up at 0430 (unless I want to smell good which means I need to wake up at 0400...). Anyway, I better hit the hay. As it is, I'll be getting maybe 5 hours of sleep.
Goodnight y'all!
BedpanAlley, RN, BSN
1) I fixed my dryer yesterday. All by myself! I woke up Friday, trying to throw my scrub pants into the dryer really quick because I had washed them for work. Well, the dryer was sounding like it was working, but it was not tumbling. Great. I proceeded to dry my pants, with a hair dryer, and went to work with wet pants. Have you ever done that? Oh my gosh, wet pants are AWFUL!!!
Oh well, I called my dad on Saturday, told him what was going on and that I thought the belt had broken. He agreed that's what it sounded like. So, I took my dryer apart Sunday in hopes that I would fix it and not make it worse. Turns out the belt had simply slipped off the tension spring instead of breaking completely. Praise the L-rd!
2) I took care of 2 babies successfully, mostly on my own, for two days now! I was really struggling because i had 2 days of feeling like I had just been put through the wringer and criticized for everything even though I had gotten no instruction on how to do things... That was frustrating. Well, whatever. I shook it off and went back for another day. Friday and today (Monday) ended up turning out really well! I know two babies don't sound like much, but I'm finally getting to the point where I forget less and less during my assessments and during the day. I'm beginning to remember the various nuances and strange rules that occur in the NICU. And I am starting to find my newbie groove while simultaneously keeping most poop and urine off of the baby's bedding. Yay! (Guys, I had an incident involving projectile shit in an isolette. Add in a flailing baby and you can just imagine the art work created. While walking away from that baby's room about 30 minutes after the incident, I found a lovely, long, brown streak going down the length of my forearm. *sigh* The struggle.
3) Last, but not least, I PASSED THE NCLEX!!! Do y'all know what that means? That means I am a Real/Registered/Redneck Nurse. In case you missed it, that is three was to define the term of R.N. and they ALL describe me! I'm now a Real Nurse (maybe a baby or adolescent nurse, but I'm a real nurse), I am a Registered Nurse (of course, that's what the hospital and Board of Nursing call me), and I'm also a Redneck Nurse (as described my my nursing class and those who know me best). Guys, I am so very glad and excited to be done!
As you may know, I've been working as a graduate nurse and have been signing my name at work (as necessary) as BedpanAlley, GN. Well, today I got to sign it BedpanAlley, RN! AND I got a new badge changing the GN to RN!!! So, so, so excited and relieved.
Well, seeing as I have to go to work again tomorrow, which means I get up at 0430 (unless I want to smell good which means I need to wake up at 0400...). Anyway, I better hit the hay. As it is, I'll be getting maybe 5 hours of sleep.
Goodnight y'all!
BedpanAlley, RN, BSN
Monday, August 8, 2016
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