I was doing well being here in Small Town. I was beginning to make friends, look forward to things other than work and support group, and I'm even beginning to get my house unpacked. Yes, I have been living in Small Town for about 6 months and I have only unpacked the things that I use...
The closer we get to Thanksgiving, the more I'm missing my Mom. I miss Dad and Brother too, but I'm so close to my Mom. I was going about a week or two without talking to any of my family members, but about a month ago, phone calls to Mom starting coming on nearly every day or two. That's usually about the time I knew it was time to go visit home or have Mom come have lunch with me in College Town.
After calling Dad yesterday and learning that he wasn't able to come down to visit for Thanksgiving, I tried calling Mom but she didn't answer. I called Brother today, twice, but he's still not answering. Seeing as he just got a new girlfriend and his track record for doing family things when he has friends and their families... I'm thinking the odds of him coming down are pretty slim as well.
*sigh*
So, I'm excited for Mom to come down and to also see my other Home State family who are hoping to come down to visit Mema. I hope they get to come down. Somehow, youngest uncle keeps missing family functions with an explanation that he has to work. Mema has recently mentioned that she is not particularly pleased with him at the moment. She also made some comments about exboyfriend that made me think that the rumor has finally reached the family about him getting talked to by the police and probably arrested under sexual assault charges, that were dropped.
I don't know what's going on. Oh the joys of having a family who talks about nothing with the people going through things, but gossip and speculations spread like wildfire. Along with the gossip, comes believing and siding with non-family members, depending on the story that gets told and from whom they hear said tale. Thus resulting in family splitting, rifts, and silent treatments.
The pull for me to find a guy and settle down is not strengthened by current circumstances... if that tells you anything...
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Don't Tell Me What I Believe
It's a well-known joke in my family that I got three doses of stubbornness. One from my mom, one from my dad, and one from my mema. I have a hard head and a lot of opinions. My brain is constantly going and I analyze just about everything I hear and see in order to try to figure out how the world around me works and how I fit in within that world.
Recently I met a guy. He is studying history in an attempt to eventually get a PhD in Old Testament theology or something. We get into some discussions about beliefs, but it often stops at a fairly shallow level in order to avoid offending the other party. He makes sly remarks now and again about Messianic beliefs, and I normally bite my tongue and let him go on. 1) because I'm not great at defending my beliefs, even though I have poured hours and hours into researching and figuring out what I believe and 2) because I don't want to step on toes. I have very strong beliefs that do not commonly match up with other people's beliefs, but that doesn't mean I think anyone else should believe this way just because I do. I don't want to change anyone's beliefs, that's not my job. I may be wrong, they may be wrong. Maybe we're all wrong! Who knows?!
Regardless, this guy also started saying some things about how midwives "take over the role the husband should be playing during the birthing process" and so he doesn't believe they should be used and a doctor's management of labor/birth is a better plan. OOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! Son, you did not just say that! Oh child, yes he did.
After a week or two of me holding my tongue and gently reminding him over and over that I want to be a midwife. He said it again. This time, since I had been contemplating what I would say the next time he uttered those despicable words, I had an answer. First, I asked where he got his info. Then I added in my own experience and the research I had found. We had a nice little discussion and he now says he doesn't think they would be that bad to use. Maybe he was just trying to not get in a bigger discussion, but I sure hope I was actually able to change his view on midwifes because they are not in the business of "taking over" the husband's role. Nurse-midwives are essentially the nurse practitioner version of an OB/GYN but they do not perform the cesareans themselves. Mostly, nurse-midwives manage women for well-woman visits, healthy/low-risk pregnancies and births, as well as birth control and other woman's health areas. OB/GYNs are versed in the high-risk and complicated pregnancies and births. It's not that either is better than the other, I think there are just different times to use each along with pro's and con's of both.
Now, getting back to theological discussions, he keeps making remarks as if he knows all about what Messianic's believe. I can tell you right now that most of what he tells me about what Messianic's supposedly believe are not things that I have heard of Messianic's actually believing... I don't know where he's getting his info, but I think that if you are going to discuss beliefs with somebody you should maybe ask them what they believe instead of talking like you know their position... Maybe that's just me...
Still, he doesn't degrade me the way ex-fiance did or even the way ex-boyfriend did. It's weird being able to be heard and also being able to actually talk during a discussion because we're both actually discussing things instead of one person (him, a.k.a. ex-fiance) yelling at the other (me). So, even though I'm infuriated with the process and the way in which he (new guy) thinks he knows it all, he still seems to at least give me a moment to explain my side, when I get the gumption to be able to share my side because I'm still used to remaining shut down talking to people.
I don't feel like we're compatible for marriage or dating, but it's still nice to be able to work on my discussion/debate skills and work on being able to stand up for my beliefs while knowing how to walk away, if the need should so arise.
I'm fully aware that my beliefs are really weird and that I'm too damn stubborn on most issues. I get it. However, if everybody stood for nothing, would anyone on the earth be able to have convictions and would we get anything done? Our passions are what make us unique and valuable. My odd thoughts on the way the Bible is written and how the world works gives me different insights into what is needed on earth than my neighbor might have. With these different beliefs and views, we (the people of the world) have a chance at finding creative solutions to the troubles we encounter in our every day lives. Right?
I dream of the miraculous. I'm not talking walking on water, turning water into wine, or any of the other amazing things talked of in the Bible. My desire of a personal miracle is simply to be blessed with a guy why is so incredibly good to me and the kids we could potentially have. Kind, sweet, gentle but strong, able to provide, and somebody who not only respects my beliefs but believes similarly so that we are not constantly fighting. How hard would that be? Somebody to support my dreams and career goals while also having goals and a strong career of his own. However, of course, I would want him home for supper and able to get off for children's events and to be there for sports and whatnot. Somebody who knows how to take care of cattle, livestock, and horses and who could allow us to have land with all sorts of animals and horses. Ideally, this guy is super smart, but kind and humble and still goofy/silly/easy-going, especially when I need him to help me relax. I want somebody who believes in the traditional roles that I believe in and see in the Bible so that I can focus on serving him, as a wife, and he works with me to set up a great household for ourselves and kids. I want someone to inspire, and spoil, and love on, and encourage, and grow old with. Somebody that knows I love him and who loves me right back so that we never have to question it with each other. I want a best friend, a leader, a supporter, and somebody that is somehow excited and comforted to find me, of all people.
My list goes on. I know the Good L-rd performs miracles every day, I'm simply asking that maybe, if it be His will, that I be blessed with an amazing guy that allows me to know that G-d is willing to allow amazing things in my life so that I forget the evilness of ex-bf and ex-fiance.
Recently I met a guy. He is studying history in an attempt to eventually get a PhD in Old Testament theology or something. We get into some discussions about beliefs, but it often stops at a fairly shallow level in order to avoid offending the other party. He makes sly remarks now and again about Messianic beliefs, and I normally bite my tongue and let him go on. 1) because I'm not great at defending my beliefs, even though I have poured hours and hours into researching and figuring out what I believe and 2) because I don't want to step on toes. I have very strong beliefs that do not commonly match up with other people's beliefs, but that doesn't mean I think anyone else should believe this way just because I do. I don't want to change anyone's beliefs, that's not my job. I may be wrong, they may be wrong. Maybe we're all wrong! Who knows?!
Regardless, this guy also started saying some things about how midwives "take over the role the husband should be playing during the birthing process" and so he doesn't believe they should be used and a doctor's management of labor/birth is a better plan. OOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! Son, you did not just say that! Oh child, yes he did.
After a week or two of me holding my tongue and gently reminding him over and over that I want to be a midwife. He said it again. This time, since I had been contemplating what I would say the next time he uttered those despicable words, I had an answer. First, I asked where he got his info. Then I added in my own experience and the research I had found. We had a nice little discussion and he now says he doesn't think they would be that bad to use. Maybe he was just trying to not get in a bigger discussion, but I sure hope I was actually able to change his view on midwifes because they are not in the business of "taking over" the husband's role. Nurse-midwives are essentially the nurse practitioner version of an OB/GYN but they do not perform the cesareans themselves. Mostly, nurse-midwives manage women for well-woman visits, healthy/low-risk pregnancies and births, as well as birth control and other woman's health areas. OB/GYNs are versed in the high-risk and complicated pregnancies and births. It's not that either is better than the other, I think there are just different times to use each along with pro's and con's of both.
Now, getting back to theological discussions, he keeps making remarks as if he knows all about what Messianic's believe. I can tell you right now that most of what he tells me about what Messianic's supposedly believe are not things that I have heard of Messianic's actually believing... I don't know where he's getting his info, but I think that if you are going to discuss beliefs with somebody you should maybe ask them what they believe instead of talking like you know their position... Maybe that's just me...
Still, he doesn't degrade me the way ex-fiance did or even the way ex-boyfriend did. It's weird being able to be heard and also being able to actually talk during a discussion because we're both actually discussing things instead of one person (him, a.k.a. ex-fiance) yelling at the other (me). So, even though I'm infuriated with the process and the way in which he (new guy) thinks he knows it all, he still seems to at least give me a moment to explain my side, when I get the gumption to be able to share my side because I'm still used to remaining shut down talking to people.
I don't feel like we're compatible for marriage or dating, but it's still nice to be able to work on my discussion/debate skills and work on being able to stand up for my beliefs while knowing how to walk away, if the need should so arise.
I'm fully aware that my beliefs are really weird and that I'm too damn stubborn on most issues. I get it. However, if everybody stood for nothing, would anyone on the earth be able to have convictions and would we get anything done? Our passions are what make us unique and valuable. My odd thoughts on the way the Bible is written and how the world works gives me different insights into what is needed on earth than my neighbor might have. With these different beliefs and views, we (the people of the world) have a chance at finding creative solutions to the troubles we encounter in our every day lives. Right?
I dream of the miraculous. I'm not talking walking on water, turning water into wine, or any of the other amazing things talked of in the Bible. My desire of a personal miracle is simply to be blessed with a guy why is so incredibly good to me and the kids we could potentially have. Kind, sweet, gentle but strong, able to provide, and somebody who not only respects my beliefs but believes similarly so that we are not constantly fighting. How hard would that be? Somebody to support my dreams and career goals while also having goals and a strong career of his own. However, of course, I would want him home for supper and able to get off for children's events and to be there for sports and whatnot. Somebody who knows how to take care of cattle, livestock, and horses and who could allow us to have land with all sorts of animals and horses. Ideally, this guy is super smart, but kind and humble and still goofy/silly/easy-going, especially when I need him to help me relax. I want somebody who believes in the traditional roles that I believe in and see in the Bible so that I can focus on serving him, as a wife, and he works with me to set up a great household for ourselves and kids. I want someone to inspire, and spoil, and love on, and encourage, and grow old with. Somebody that knows I love him and who loves me right back so that we never have to question it with each other. I want a best friend, a leader, a supporter, and somebody that is somehow excited and comforted to find me, of all people.
My list goes on. I know the Good L-rd performs miracles every day, I'm simply asking that maybe, if it be His will, that I be blessed with an amazing guy that allows me to know that G-d is willing to allow amazing things in my life so that I forget the evilness of ex-bf and ex-fiance.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Understanding Marriage
This is one of the best articles I have read explaining marriage. Actually, I found a bunch on this one particular website. Plus, it numbered and bolded the reasons for marriage in one of the articles! I love this because not only does it make it easier for me to skim, it also helps you (should you choose to read these) to skim and not read entire articles! I figured this would likely help you guys because I am long-winded and I really want all of the info to be shared without you, my friends, to have to read entire textbooks worth of writing spread across several sites. (Wow, that was kinda a run-on... Sorry!)
Read these articles if you would like more info on the point of marriage. I put them in order of most relevant to my previous points to stuff that I thought was just interesting or other good points...
1) What's the point of marriage?
2) 5 Reasons Marriage Cynics Are Wrong (surprisingly, I am not cynical about any of these 5 things...)
3) What It Really Means to Say 'I Do'
4) 3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married
5) You Never Marry the Right Person (I know this one sounds disheartening, just trust me and try reading it)
Also, on a completely unrelated note, my mom called. We talked for a little over 1 hour and 39 minutes. I am in a considerably better mood and I didn't even explain my recent struggles. G-d truly blessed me with a strong, hilarious, and totally understanding mom. I love her and I love my dad. I am a daddy's girl, in the best sense, meaning I love working on cars, hangin' with the boys, and setting stuff on fire. I also enjoy throwing footballs, baseballs, and learning about cars/sports/anything anyone is willing to teach me. I'm so very grateful for my parents and their very different personalities.
Read these articles if you would like more info on the point of marriage. I put them in order of most relevant to my previous points to stuff that I thought was just interesting or other good points...
1) What's the point of marriage?
2) 5 Reasons Marriage Cynics Are Wrong (surprisingly, I am not cynical about any of these 5 things...)
3) What It Really Means to Say 'I Do'
4) 3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married
5) You Never Marry the Right Person (I know this one sounds disheartening, just trust me and try reading it)
Also, on a completely unrelated note, my mom called. We talked for a little over 1 hour and 39 minutes. I am in a considerably better mood and I didn't even explain my recent struggles. G-d truly blessed me with a strong, hilarious, and totally understanding mom. I love her and I love my dad. I am a daddy's girl, in the best sense, meaning I love working on cars, hangin' with the boys, and setting stuff on fire. I also enjoy throwing footballs, baseballs, and learning about cars/sports/anything anyone is willing to teach me. I'm so very grateful for my parents and their very different personalities.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Marriage Study
As a follow-up to my "Personal News" post, I did a word study on marriage. Did it clarify anything about the purpose of marriage? No, not even a little bit. I have noticed, however, that G-d is bringing this topic up in all aspects of my life though. It's kinda strange, but it is also how I know that He is talking to me and He is laying it on my heart. I kinda wish I understood why I need to know so much about this subject, but that is still very unclear.
After independent study and a few Google searches, I have arrived at the point that marriage mainly does 3 things:
Forgive the minor meltdown there, live just isn't what I thought it would be. Do you ever have that experience? You know, something that you thought would be so cool isn't actually all that you thought it would be? I think I am doing that with marriage. I know that was the truth for getting into nursing school, getting my first car, buying my own computer, having a boy like me for the first time, etc. etc. etc. Nothing makes me as happy as I think it is going to make me. On the other hand, the only thing that truly makes me happy is G-d and then He makes me more happy than I ever expected. It makes me wish that I never would have watched t.v. ever, because then I would be able to experience life for myself without having these preconceived notions that something will be so great when it actually isn't in real life.
So, will I have regrets when I get married because I am thinking marriage will be some great thing? I'm not making it out to be a Cinderella story. Let's be real, that's not even my cup of tea. But will I be disappointed with what married life really is? I just want a friend that will be with me for a really long time. Lately, I have seen too many marriages end after 10-25 years because one spouse starts cheating, or they are abusive to the other, or someone's midlife crisis just gets control of them so they split. Will that be my story? Will I have to bear that burden? Would I even be able to survive?
Marriage is so much more than what they show in the movies and on t.v. I'm not even married and I am skeptical that it is something that I would be strong enough to do. Is this G-d telling me that I will never be married or is this Him getting me ready for the harsh reality that marriage is not all fun and games?
After independent study and a few Google searches, I have arrived at the point that marriage mainly does 3 things:
- Provides community (more stable environment for child rearing, friendship, strength, love*, etc)
- Allows for safe procreation (because who doesn't want little mini-me's running around? Having kids is like doing experiments to see what characteristics of each parent they get! I know that sounds bad, but I hope you admit that it is pretty cool seeing this thing grow in you/your wife and then you get to meet the kid and watch them grow up...)
- It is a metaphor of Yeshua's love for His people (Jews and Gentiles alike who trust in Him)
Forgive the minor meltdown there, live just isn't what I thought it would be. Do you ever have that experience? You know, something that you thought would be so cool isn't actually all that you thought it would be? I think I am doing that with marriage. I know that was the truth for getting into nursing school, getting my first car, buying my own computer, having a boy like me for the first time, etc. etc. etc. Nothing makes me as happy as I think it is going to make me. On the other hand, the only thing that truly makes me happy is G-d and then He makes me more happy than I ever expected. It makes me wish that I never would have watched t.v. ever, because then I would be able to experience life for myself without having these preconceived notions that something will be so great when it actually isn't in real life.
So, will I have regrets when I get married because I am thinking marriage will be some great thing? I'm not making it out to be a Cinderella story. Let's be real, that's not even my cup of tea. But will I be disappointed with what married life really is? I just want a friend that will be with me for a really long time. Lately, I have seen too many marriages end after 10-25 years because one spouse starts cheating, or they are abusive to the other, or someone's midlife crisis just gets control of them so they split. Will that be my story? Will I have to bear that burden? Would I even be able to survive?
Marriage is so much more than what they show in the movies and on t.v. I'm not even married and I am skeptical that it is something that I would be strong enough to do. Is this G-d telling me that I will never be married or is this Him getting me ready for the harsh reality that marriage is not all fun and games?
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Be Women/Men of Integrity
I recently read a blog post from a mom who was going on about young ladies posting inappropriate things on Facebook and YouTube. I encourage you to read it here. I love her explaining her reasons why she blocks certain people and why it is inappropriate to post half-naked pictures on Facebook. In order to help everyone remain pure in heart and mind, we all have to work together. Just trust me and read this post, she inspires me to parent like her.
Disclaimer: I'm not blaming girls for posting improper pictures and I'm not blaming boys for looking/encouraging said pictures. I think both genders have something to do with the whole problem but we can all work for fix it and to encourage purity.
Disclaimer: I'm not blaming girls for posting improper pictures and I'm not blaming boys for looking/encouraging said pictures. I think both genders have something to do with the whole problem but we can all work for fix it and to encourage purity.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
My Life with a Nurse: A Man's Perspective - Nursing Humor / Share Jokes
My Life with a Nurse: A Man's Perspective - Nursing Humor / Share Jokes
Read this, seriously. I love it! I grew up thinking that guys are all tough, but nurses are tough! Even in college, I have friends with mixed majors and they cannot even stand me talking about my older population of residents.
I hope my future boyfriend/husband understands what he is getting into because I like a good, gross story. I love to tell those stories even more to someone who can appreciate it like I can.
So, read this whether you are a nurse, nursing student, medical professional/student, or anyone who knows a nurse (trust me, all of you know at least one nurse, even if you don't realize it yet).
Read this, seriously. I love it! I grew up thinking that guys are all tough, but nurses are tough! Even in college, I have friends with mixed majors and they cannot even stand me talking about my older population of residents.
I hope my future boyfriend/husband understands what he is getting into because I like a good, gross story. I love to tell those stories even more to someone who can appreciate it like I can.
So, read this whether you are a nurse, nursing student, medical professional/student, or anyone who knows a nurse (trust me, all of you know at least one nurse, even if you don't realize it yet).
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Successful Day
After receiving the call from work at about 3 this morning, I slept in nice and late (for me). I studied a bit, spent some time with my brother, watched another episode of my favorite show and then went to work. Now, work was good and bad. The good part was that I only had to work 5 1/2 hours. The bad part was that everyone was so uncooperative! Goodness, it took me 30-45 minutes to help change one lady into her pajamas and she only let me change her pants. Plus, she asks "huh?" after everything that you say even though she can hear just fine. It's like an automated response to everything. Man, I was getting so frustrated having to repeat everything and having the most nonsensical conversation I think I have ever had in my life. Guys, I don't know how much longer I can stay at this job. For my first CNA job I think it's gone pretty well but I am so burnt out at this place. They pay way less than hospitals or even other facilities but they are having us work with one of the most difficult populations (in my opinion). I have had so many days pleading with G-d to let me have a unit secretary job in the hospital or just any CNA job in the hospital. I would love to work in labor and delivery or in the NICU. I have even applied to tons of those positions because they are open in the hospitals right now but no one is calling me back. Oh well, G-d knows where I am supposed to be and for how long. If I knew how long I would be here I would either crawl into a hole and wait for death (not really, I'm being way overly dramatic) or I would cease productivity for my remaining days at work. I guess that's why G-d doesn't tell us His time frame for things, huh?
I was thinking about that on my way to work today. He allowed me to get into nursing school. Just a couple months ago I was asking for Him to tell me if I would get in or not. If He would have told me He would get me in, I probably wouldn't have worked so hard to pass the HESI with such a good score and I probably wouldn't have tried for all A's this last year. So, if He were to tell me when I would meet my husband and where, I would stop living and trusting Him to bring my husband and I together. Likewise, if I knew any of His future plans for me, and the time that He would fulfill those plans, I would stop doing anything because I know that His plans would be carried out. This is frustrating for me because I am nosy and like to have everything planned and understood. However, this is also very good because G-d is teaching me faith, trust, hope (which I really struggle with), patience, thanksgiving, and so many other lessons. For now, I will just have to let go of my frustration and learn to go with His flow. Someday I will be able to look back glad that life had all of the surprises He meant for me to experience.
Daily Thanksgiving: I do not have to work again until Sunday and work was not so bad that I outright quit... not yet. G-d keeps surprises for us so that we can learn a whole plethora of lessons with each of His provisions and blessings. Today I set up an interview for a job on campus for my work-study program. I interview on Friday and we will see if G-d wants me to work 2 jobs this next year. G-d is in control of life, which I am so grateful for because I mess mine up all the time and I'm not even the boss!
I was thinking about that on my way to work today. He allowed me to get into nursing school. Just a couple months ago I was asking for Him to tell me if I would get in or not. If He would have told me He would get me in, I probably wouldn't have worked so hard to pass the HESI with such a good score and I probably wouldn't have tried for all A's this last year. So, if He were to tell me when I would meet my husband and where, I would stop living and trusting Him to bring my husband and I together. Likewise, if I knew any of His future plans for me, and the time that He would fulfill those plans, I would stop doing anything because I know that His plans would be carried out. This is frustrating for me because I am nosy and like to have everything planned and understood. However, this is also very good because G-d is teaching me faith, trust, hope (which I really struggle with), patience, thanksgiving, and so many other lessons. For now, I will just have to let go of my frustration and learn to go with His flow. Someday I will be able to look back glad that life had all of the surprises He meant for me to experience.
Daily Thanksgiving: I do not have to work again until Sunday and work was not so bad that I outright quit... not yet. G-d keeps surprises for us so that we can learn a whole plethora of lessons with each of His provisions and blessings. Today I set up an interview for a job on campus for my work-study program. I interview on Friday and we will see if G-d wants me to work 2 jobs this next year. G-d is in control of life, which I am so grateful for because I mess mine up all the time and I'm not even the boss!
Friday, July 19, 2013
Why?
Lately I have had so many people question my every move.
"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
"Why have you never dated anyone?"
"Why did you move in with your brother?"
"Why are you broke?"
"Why, why, why, why, why?"
My reply: Why is it any of your business and why do you care?
Of course, I never really questioned them, but I kinda wanted to. I am just a very private person and I don't mind sharing about myself, but I don't even know why I do everything so I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else.
For the past couple weeks I have been mulling over my future in my head again and again. Why kind of nurse will I be? When/where will I meet my husband? Will I get a CNA job in a hospital? How will school be? Will I make tons of friends or just be one of those people who everyone considers a friend but is actually very lonely because she doesn't get close to anyone? (I already am like that.) Where will I live when I graduate? How will the next few years turn out for myself and my brother? Will we live peacefully together or will we kill each other? What is even going on?!
I desperately need to get out of my head and just let G-d control my life. He controls our lives whether we give Him reign or not, but life is way easier if we are not fighting tooth and nail for our silly desires and our plans because G-d always has what we want and need in His plans for our life.
Daily Thanksgiving: My mema came into town and I get to see her tomorrow! I also get to volunteer tomorrow, which I love to do. I got 140/120 on my micro unknown organism project and I got 80% on my vocab test from Wednesday. So far, living with my brother has been great and he got a really good financial aid award which means that we will not be overly stressed for money this year!!! I am so relieved I can't even explain it.
"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
"Why have you never dated anyone?"
"Why did you move in with your brother?"
"Why are you broke?"
"Why, why, why, why, why?"
My reply: Why is it any of your business and why do you care?
Of course, I never really questioned them, but I kinda wanted to. I am just a very private person and I don't mind sharing about myself, but I don't even know why I do everything so I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else.
For the past couple weeks I have been mulling over my future in my head again and again. Why kind of nurse will I be? When/where will I meet my husband? Will I get a CNA job in a hospital? How will school be? Will I make tons of friends or just be one of those people who everyone considers a friend but is actually very lonely because she doesn't get close to anyone? (I already am like that.) Where will I live when I graduate? How will the next few years turn out for myself and my brother? Will we live peacefully together or will we kill each other? What is even going on?!
I desperately need to get out of my head and just let G-d control my life. He controls our lives whether we give Him reign or not, but life is way easier if we are not fighting tooth and nail for our silly desires and our plans because G-d always has what we want and need in His plans for our life.
Daily Thanksgiving: My mema came into town and I get to see her tomorrow! I also get to volunteer tomorrow, which I love to do. I got 140/120 on my micro unknown organism project and I got 80% on my vocab test from Wednesday. So far, living with my brother has been great and he got a really good financial aid award which means that we will not be overly stressed for money this year!!! I am so relieved I can't even explain it.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Dating Promises
My friend recently went to a Christian youth conference where they made a list of promises about what they will/won't do while dating. I think this is an excellent idea! I would like to share mine with you. Feel free to add to it or cut things out. You can tell me if I am being completely irrational or if I am not being strict enough. I would like input, if you have any, because I haven't dated anyone, ever, so these are based on ideal circumstances and not totally on experience.
This is just a short list, but I think it gets down to the core of what I need from a relationship. G-d knows who He has chosen for me, if I will indeed date/marry, but these are rules that I feel are G-d inspired to protect me and potential suitors. (I know I use a lot of weird vocabulary like suitors, pursuing me, etc. I'm an old soul with very traditional views and an old-fashioned vocabulary.)
I encourage you to make your own list and keep adding to it as you think about dating/marriage. If I had been keeping all of these promises to myself and G-d my heart would not be so heavy right now and I would know that I had done everything possible to protect my heart for my husband. Life also would have been much easier for me... Unfortunately, I gave in and now I have a lot of regrets. From now on, however, I will be keeping these promises to the best of my ability in order to maintain my integrity, my innocence, and my pure heart.
- I promise to communicate. I want him to know my boundaries and I want to know his. I will work on telling him, and others, what I need, what I want, what I like/don't like, etc.
- I promise to not hang out alone. I have already broken this promise several times but no more!
- I promise to not kiss anyone until my wedding day, and I will only ever kiss my husband.
- I promise to hear him out when he needs/wants something, if he gets jealous, if he wants me to start/stop something. I may not comply with his requests, but we will talk it over and I will explain why I will/won't/can't do something.
- I promise to conduct myself in such a manner that I would not be ashamed of the conversation or activities taking place should my parents, family, friends, children (adopted and future) find out or walk in on us.
- I promise to hold him accountable to promises, convictions, and problems I witness or hear about. I will not consider him guilty if a rumor should begin, but I will ask him about it and take his word.
- I promise to do my best to maintain a holy relationship through dating, engagement, and marriage with him.
- I promise to stay honest, even if the truth will hurt him. I will try my best to not intentionally hurt him or anyone who happens to be pursuing me. However, I do not want to string anyone along simply because I do not want to hurt them. Stringing them along will hurt them (and myself) more than it would if I am just honest in the beginning.
- I promise to love G-d more than I love my boyfriend/husband or anyone else.
- I promise to do my best to find a man that loves G-d more than he loves me or anyone else.
This is just a short list, but I think it gets down to the core of what I need from a relationship. G-d knows who He has chosen for me, if I will indeed date/marry, but these are rules that I feel are G-d inspired to protect me and potential suitors. (I know I use a lot of weird vocabulary like suitors, pursuing me, etc. I'm an old soul with very traditional views and an old-fashioned vocabulary.)
I encourage you to make your own list and keep adding to it as you think about dating/marriage. If I had been keeping all of these promises to myself and G-d my heart would not be so heavy right now and I would know that I had done everything possible to protect my heart for my husband. Life also would have been much easier for me... Unfortunately, I gave in and now I have a lot of regrets. From now on, however, I will be keeping these promises to the best of my ability in order to maintain my integrity, my innocence, and my pure heart.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Future Husband
Yesterday I worked a double at work (15 hours) and my favorite evening LPN and my favorite CNA's worked too! All of the residents were really tired too so they all went to bed early. This left me in a position I've never been in before... I was finished with my duties 2 hours early... AS THE FLOAT! That never happens, especially to me. But I put more people to bed than I am required to, I finished all of my work and then some. So, I got to chat with my pals. The LPN is the girl trying to set me up with her brother and she is in cahoots with one of my favorite CNA's that worked last night. They kept asking me silly questions then would freak out when I gave them my answers.
LPN: "Do you like cats?"
Me: "I'm allergic to cats, so not really." (Readers, I don't have anything against them, their are adorable but I can't do anything about allergies so please don't be offended by this answer.)
LPN: "*gasp* He doesn't like cats! What about dogs?"
Me: "I like dogs."
LPN: "What kind? Do you like dobermans?"
Me: "I love dobermans, I was planning on getting one anyway once I get a house with a yard."
LPN: *Goes nuts gasping, smiling, almost having a stroke with excitement*
Me: *Thinks to self: 'She is really getting way over-excited! Her brother will probably not even really "like" me, especially not enough to marry me'*
That conversation carried on for about an hour or so. Her and a couple other CNA's just kept asking questions about me, silly question, and they convinced themselves we would be perfect for each other. I'm not saying that G-d couldn't bring me my husband this way, but let's be honest, it's not necessarily realistic to be planning on marriage from this. Plus, she would want me to be a missionary dater (someone to date someone else in order to help the second person improve their life, find G-d, etc). I will not do that because it would all go away once we break up. Plus, if they changed their life for me instead of for G-d and for themselves, then it's not necessarily real. It would likely be an act that would cause strife, resentment, and a host of other ill-feelings towards the entire situation, G-d, me, and his sister.
This whole ordeal has gotten me to thinking about what I want in a husband and the absolute foremost thing I need is for him to love G-d more than anyone or anything, including more than me or our children or his family. G-d is most important because marriage is only for this life, it doesn't transfer into eternity. G-d created us for eternity, for Himself. If He chooses to bless us with a companion for our life here then so be it. If not, we are still His and our relationship is the only thing that will last for eternity. So, he has to love G-d more than anyone or anything and he has to have this love and connection with Him before I ever meet him. I don't want this passion for G-d to be on my account because I would have no way of knowing if it is all an act for me or not. Truly, I will never really know if it's real because I cannot know his heart for certain, but I trust that the L-rd will reveal the truth before we marry and likely before we start dating.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have friends at work! I keep having to think about dating but G-d is showing me that marriage may be a possibility in my future because I had really been struggling with thoughts that I am unmarryable (I think I just made that word up but you know what I mean). I have the next 3 days off to study, do homework, get caught up and ahead in micro. I have a coffee date with my nursing school mentor/G-d adviser today. I get to volunteer tomorrow night. Work went really well yesterday. I have an apartment! I don't have to drive 2 hours each way everyday. It's rainy today, which I absolutely love. G-d is reassuring me in this journey of life. He is correcting me and leading me.
LPN: "Do you like cats?"
Me: "I'm allergic to cats, so not really." (Readers, I don't have anything against them, their are adorable but I can't do anything about allergies so please don't be offended by this answer.)
LPN: "*gasp* He doesn't like cats! What about dogs?"
Me: "I like dogs."
LPN: "What kind? Do you like dobermans?"
Me: "I love dobermans, I was planning on getting one anyway once I get a house with a yard."
LPN: *Goes nuts gasping, smiling, almost having a stroke with excitement*
Me: *Thinks to self: 'She is really getting way over-excited! Her brother will probably not even really "like" me, especially not enough to marry me'*
That conversation carried on for about an hour or so. Her and a couple other CNA's just kept asking questions about me, silly question, and they convinced themselves we would be perfect for each other. I'm not saying that G-d couldn't bring me my husband this way, but let's be honest, it's not necessarily realistic to be planning on marriage from this. Plus, she would want me to be a missionary dater (someone to date someone else in order to help the second person improve their life, find G-d, etc). I will not do that because it would all go away once we break up. Plus, if they changed their life for me instead of for G-d and for themselves, then it's not necessarily real. It would likely be an act that would cause strife, resentment, and a host of other ill-feelings towards the entire situation, G-d, me, and his sister.
This whole ordeal has gotten me to thinking about what I want in a husband and the absolute foremost thing I need is for him to love G-d more than anyone or anything, including more than me or our children or his family. G-d is most important because marriage is only for this life, it doesn't transfer into eternity. G-d created us for eternity, for Himself. If He chooses to bless us with a companion for our life here then so be it. If not, we are still His and our relationship is the only thing that will last for eternity. So, he has to love G-d more than anyone or anything and he has to have this love and connection with Him before I ever meet him. I don't want this passion for G-d to be on my account because I would have no way of knowing if it is all an act for me or not. Truly, I will never really know if it's real because I cannot know his heart for certain, but I trust that the L-rd will reveal the truth before we marry and likely before we start dating.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have friends at work! I keep having to think about dating but G-d is showing me that marriage may be a possibility in my future because I had really been struggling with thoughts that I am unmarryable (I think I just made that word up but you know what I mean). I have the next 3 days off to study, do homework, get caught up and ahead in micro. I have a coffee date with my nursing school mentor/G-d adviser today. I get to volunteer tomorrow night. Work went really well yesterday. I have an apartment! I don't have to drive 2 hours each way everyday. It's rainy today, which I absolutely love. G-d is reassuring me in this journey of life. He is correcting me and leading me.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Funny Quotes
Here are some things people have said to me lately that made me laugh just a bit:
"Coffee is better than sex!" (A new resident when asked if he wanted coffee with lunch)
"Don't call me mister. Call me lover, call me sexy, call me anything but mister." (Same resident when I was walking him to his room to get a jacket. I didn't call him mister, ever...)
"You are sexy!" (A lady resident to me because she heard t.v. infomercial say sexy. This one made me blush!)
"What does you future husband look like?" (A resident out of the clear blue sky when I asked if she wanted lunch. Ironically, it was after one of my pregnancy dreams and I was thinking about my country boy at the time. Very odd timing!)
"My goodness, she is so tall!" (A group of lady residents as I was walking away. I feel like a giant at work because the staff and residents are all shorter than me but I'm only 5'6"!)
"Are you pregnant?" (Female resident to a male CNA. It made no sense but I was sitting with 3-4 other CNA's and we were all in stitches from this one!)
There are some other gems but I can't think of them right now. I think this will be a new on-going post though because I am laughing all the time at funny things people are saying everywhere I go.
"Coffee is better than sex!" (A new resident when asked if he wanted coffee with lunch)
"Don't call me mister. Call me lover, call me sexy, call me anything but mister." (Same resident when I was walking him to his room to get a jacket. I didn't call him mister, ever...)
"You are sexy!" (A lady resident to me because she heard t.v. infomercial say sexy. This one made me blush!)
"What does you future husband look like?" (A resident out of the clear blue sky when I asked if she wanted lunch. Ironically, it was after one of my pregnancy dreams and I was thinking about my country boy at the time. Very odd timing!)
"My goodness, she is so tall!" (A group of lady residents as I was walking away. I feel like a giant at work because the staff and residents are all shorter than me but I'm only 5'6"!)
"Are you pregnant?" (Female resident to a male CNA. It made no sense but I was sitting with 3-4 other CNA's and we were all in stitches from this one!)
There are some other gems but I can't think of them right now. I think this will be a new on-going post though because I am laughing all the time at funny things people are saying everywhere I go.
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