Don't Tell Me What I Believe

It's a well-known joke in my family that I got three doses of stubbornness. One from my mom, one from my dad, and one from my mema. I have a hard head and a lot of opinions. My brain is constantly going and I analyze just about everything I hear and see in order to try to figure out how the world around me works and how I fit in within that world.

Recently I met a guy. He is studying history in an attempt to eventually get a PhD in Old Testament theology or something. We get into some discussions about beliefs, but it often stops at a fairly shallow level in order to avoid offending the other party. He makes sly remarks now and again about Messianic beliefs, and I normally bite my tongue and let him go on. 1) because I'm not great at defending my beliefs, even though I have poured hours and hours into researching and figuring out what I believe and 2) because I don't want to step on toes. I have very strong beliefs that do not commonly match up with other people's beliefs, but that doesn't mean I think anyone else should believe this way just because I do. I don't want to change anyone's beliefs, that's not my job. I may be wrong, they may be wrong. Maybe we're all wrong! Who knows?!

Regardless, this guy also started saying some things about how midwives "take over the role the husband should be playing during the birthing process" and so he doesn't believe they should be used and a doctor's management of labor/birth is a better plan. OOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!  Son, you did not just say that! Oh child, yes he did.

After a week or two of me holding my tongue and gently reminding him over and over that I want to be a midwife. He said it again. This time, since I had been contemplating what I would say the next time he uttered those despicable words, I had an answer. First, I asked where he got his info. Then I added in my own experience and the research I had found. We had a nice little discussion and he now says he doesn't think they would be that bad to use. Maybe he was just trying to not get in a bigger discussion, but I sure hope I was actually able to change his view on midwifes because they are not in the business of "taking over" the husband's role. Nurse-midwives are essentially the nurse practitioner version of an OB/GYN but they do not perform the cesareans themselves. Mostly, nurse-midwives manage women for well-woman visits, healthy/low-risk pregnancies and births, as well as birth control and other woman's health areas. OB/GYNs are versed in the high-risk and complicated pregnancies and births. It's not that either is better than the other, I think there are just different times to use each along with pro's and con's of both.

Now, getting back to theological discussions, he keeps making remarks as if he knows all about what Messianic's believe. I can tell you right now that most of what he tells me about what Messianic's supposedly believe are not things that I have heard of Messianic's actually believing... I don't know where he's getting his info, but I think that if you are going to discuss beliefs with somebody you should maybe ask them what they believe instead of talking like you know their position... Maybe that's just me...

Still, he doesn't degrade me the way ex-fiance did or even the way ex-boyfriend did. It's weird being able to be heard and also being able to actually talk during a discussion because we're both actually discussing things instead of one person (him, a.k.a. ex-fiance) yelling at the other (me). So, even though I'm infuriated with the process and the way in which he (new guy) thinks he knows it all, he still seems to at least give me a moment to explain my side, when I get the gumption to be able to share my side because I'm still used to remaining shut down talking to people.

I don't feel like we're compatible for marriage or dating, but it's still nice to be able to work on my discussion/debate skills and work on being able to stand up for my beliefs while knowing how to walk away, if the need should so arise.

I'm fully aware that my beliefs are really weird and that I'm too damn stubborn on most issues. I get it. However, if everybody stood for nothing, would anyone on the earth be able to have convictions and would we get anything done? Our passions are what make us unique and valuable. My odd thoughts on the way the Bible is written and how the world works gives me different insights into what is needed on earth than my neighbor might have. With these different beliefs and views, we (the people of the world) have a chance at finding creative solutions to the troubles we encounter in our every day lives. Right?

I dream of the miraculous. I'm not talking walking on water, turning water into wine, or any of the other amazing things talked of in the Bible. My desire of a personal miracle is simply to be blessed with a guy why is so incredibly good to me and the kids we could potentially have. Kind, sweet, gentle but strong, able to provide, and somebody who not only respects my beliefs but believes similarly so that we are not constantly fighting. How hard would that be? Somebody to support my dreams and career goals while also having goals and a strong career of his own. However, of course, I would want him home for supper and able to get off for children's events and to be there for sports and whatnot. Somebody who knows how to take care of cattle, livestock, and horses and who could allow us to have land with all sorts of animals and horses. Ideally, this guy is super smart, but kind and humble and still goofy/silly/easy-going, especially when I need him to help me relax. I want somebody who believes in the traditional roles that I believe in and see in the Bible so that I can focus on serving him, as a wife, and he works with me to set up a great household for ourselves and kids. I want someone to inspire, and spoil, and love on, and encourage, and grow old with. Somebody that knows I love him and who loves me right back so that we never have to question it with each other. I want a best friend, a leader, a supporter, and somebody that is somehow excited and comforted to find me, of all people.

My list goes on. I know the Good L-rd performs miracles every day, I'm simply asking that maybe, if it be His will, that I be blessed with an amazing guy that allows me to know that G-d is willing to allow amazing things in my life so that I forget the evilness of ex-bf and ex-fiance.

IT on pause

Today was my last day working my IT job for the summer and possibly forever. It is so surreal that I have finished my second year of college (well, one more final tomorrow) and I am finished with one school-year of working as an IT person. Not quite sure if it is good or bad yet, we shall see.

In light of it being my last day, I would like to tell y'all a funny story. Well, it's kinda funny... for me...

One of my friends that works IT with me asked me to a party this Friday. He was telling me how great it would be and it's all in his apartment complex. I said "no" just flat out. There was a smile on my face but I told him no. He and his friend continued on about how fun it would be and yada, yada, yada. Then he asked if I was single. He has a girlfriend so he wasn't asking for himself. Turns out he has a friend who is Messianic who was going to be at the party and my friend was absolutely convinced I needed to go so that I could possibly meet this fellow. I told them no because I am ridiculously awkward and I was planning on getting my tongue pierced so I would be unable to speak. Then they tried for 10 minutes trying to convince me that I am not awkward because I wear cowboy boots to school and they don't know anybody in cowboy boots that are awkward... Yikes, these boys just haven't spent enough time with me. That and they are both really charismatic which means they could have a conversation with a rock and the rock would talk back and none of the conversation would be awkward.

My mom laughed at that story for like 5 minutes...

Happy Finals Week everyone. Finish strong! I believe in you.

Maybe you're just confused...

Full moon = craziness at work for the entire week! It was made worse by the fact that I worked 3 scheduled doubles and another single shift. Then they called me in for another single shift (bringing the total up to a whopping 8 shifts in 1 week) but I was the only CNA when there are usually 3... Needless to say I was livid, grouchy, and I am currently burnt out at this job.

Good news, though, there is an opening for the mother baby floor at a local hospital (the one that hired me the same time I got hired at this old folks' home) and it's PRN too! The only down side is that their orientation is a week long and I have school that I cannot miss. So, I will call them about it and apply in November so that I can hopefully do the orientation over winter break and get set up in the hospital!

A thing that I have recently noticed about nurses, however, is that many of them (us) have diarrhea of the mouth. This means that we say really stupid things and have to remove our foot from our oral orifices on numerous occasions each day. I have also recently discovered that I have a relatively thin skin and can get easily offended when someone questions my intelligence. What brought about this discovery? Oh, years of being questioned and targeted as people's mission in churches when I discussed my questions concerning doctrines of the church that I do not see as being congruent or found in the Bible. What brought it up recently? My charge nurse telling me that I'm confused about my belief system because I believe in Jesus but don't celebrate the Jesus holidays (Christian holidays). I made the mistake of telling people at work (only when they ask) that I celebrate the "Jewish" holidays that Yeshua (Jesus) celebrated instead of celebrating the Christian holidays like Easter and Christmas.

My little spiel begins with asking all of you to please not assume that I took the change lightly. Going from celebrating Christian holidays all my life to doing the Biblical ("Jewish") holidays was not a change that occurred spontaneously. I don't do anything spontaneously, at all! I resist change, I research all areas of life that I don't understand, and I am too scared of life and possible consequences of any action to even leave my house most days or have any human interaction. (I believe that may have been a run-on... I am very sorry. I tend to have run-on's in my rants.) So, for someone to tell me that I am confused and laugh in my face in front of fellow employees/friends when that person is the one asking me questions about what I believe is unacceptable. Don't tell me what I know and what I don't. Don't tell me that I don't know something that I have actually researched for years on end. Oh man, you can tell me a lot of stuff, but don't tell me what to do with my life and don't tell me that I don't know my own beliefs.

Now I am working on forgiveness... I think this came about from asking G-d to teach me to forgive and to be more compassionate and patient. If you ask for these things, which you should because it's good to be working on these things with G-d, but be ready for a rough life for the next few weeks/months. Man alive! This simple little request has made my summer very trying indeed!

In completely unrelated news, I went to church today. It was really short, only an hour and a half! I am used to being at congregation for 5-7 hours because I get there way early to help set-up, then leave really late after everything is cleaned and put away. I don't know if I will continue to go there because I was actually meaning to go to another church but got confused so I improvised and tried a different one. Long story short, it was an okay service, but I am going to go the the one I originally was going to go to because my mentor recommended it and it is supposed to have a pretty good worship service Friday nights. 

School starts Monday and I already have homework due the first day of class. 'Nough said.

Short and Sweet

Folks, I'm going to keep this short and sweet and just do my daily thanksgivings in this post.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am alive. I'm passing my classes with at least a B. I got to talk to my parents (and have a little cry, but don't worry about that). G-d's allowing me to have fun and He is also teaching me a lot about others and even more about myself. I am so very thankful for the ability and opportunity to go to college and have it be so close to home. I am the daughter of THE King, THE Creator, and THE One TRUE G-d (all names for the same G-d). He protects me and loves me despite my foolishness and He forgives me for my many shortcomings when I ask for forgiveness. He loves me enough to discipline me and also He loves me enough to let me make mistakes that He fixes in the end. He holds my heart. He holds my past, present, and future and He will never leave me, nor will He forsake me. He is my G-d, my Abba (Father), and I am not worthy of His love or grace or provisions.

Fantastic!

Guys, today my chem lab partner knew what Messianic meant and even supplied the word!!! You have no idea how excited that made me. Plus, she is pretty much the funniest person I've ever met and we have so much fun in lab together. Today, we made soap and detergent. That may sound boring, but it was so incredible hilarious and fun I can't contain my joy over lab, I really can't.

Then we played baseball and football outside and so all the vitamin D has me on a bit of a high.

Tonight I am going to the gym.

Tomorrow I don't have school!

So, this has pretty much been a fantastic day. I love it!

Also, this guy that I kinda sorta have a thing for is showing that he probably kinda has a thing for me too. Okay, that was really not supposed to sound dirty, so please do not take it as a dirty sentence :)

Daily Thanksgiving: Class went by quickly, I had solid quality time with so many friends lately (each one-on-one), I am making friends, lab was amazingly fun, we played outside, and no school tomorrow.

March of Remembrance

By the way, I wanted to inform everyone of an amazing opportunity to participate in the March of Remembrance. There are marches taking place all over the country and even some international marches as well.

What is it? This is a march remembering the Holocaust and all of the lives lost at that time. It is a time to honor all of those who were killed during that horrific event and also to show support for those who still live to talk about it. Also, it is a vow, in a way, that we will not let another Holocaust happen again. Yes, genocide is still very real and happens every day, but we as believers need to stand up and fight for those being murdered. So check out this website and see if there is a march close enough that you can participate in it!

This march is also very important at this time of year when we remember the Passover story and how G-d always delivers His people from bondage and suffering. While there may be a season that such suffering does take place, He provides a way out in His perfect timing. To G-d be the glory!

Also, this march is for Orthodox Jews, Reform Jews, Messianic believers, Christians and everyone! You do not have to claim a certain religion or belief system to participate, this is a great opportunity to learn about what happened and how to remember and prevent the Holocaust from ever happening again. So come out no matter what you believe and remember with us.