Advice to the Older Me

I got an idea from another blog I read and I have decided to write advice to the older me. This advice focuses on my dreams right now and why I want to be a nurse so badly.

1. Mom and Mema: Remember, you are not doing this entirely for yourself, you are walking in the shoes of your family. You are completing what your mom was unable to complete to share your joy with her when you graduate.
2. Babies! Whether you become a NICU nurse or L&D nurse upon graduation, remember the sweet babies you will get to care for and share the beginning of their lives with.
3. The stress you feel over getting a B is unnecessary. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not even close. You passed all of your courses freshman year when so many thought you wouldn't.
4. It is okay to cry. One of the hardest things to admit, but it reduces stress hormones. We both know you have an over-abundance of stress, so just shed a few tears and move on.
5. Continue to learn from your mistakes and keep taking advice-wise advice, of course.
6. Always be working on remaining humble. When you do something wrong, ask how to make it better next time. Then make it better the next time.
7. Remember, you started out as a CNA. You were a really slow CNA. Keep chesed for all of the CNA's, EMT's, new nurses, doctors, patients, and everyone else in the world. 
8. If someone doesn't treat you right: 1) Assume they could be having a bad day and continue to be kind. Do not talk about others behind their backs, but you can compliment others whether to their face or to others around them. 2)  If they continue to not treat you right, STILL BE NICE! However, you can tell them that you will not help them or ask them to stop talking disrespectfully. DO NOT talk about them behind their backs. If others are, defend them, regardless of what that person did to you.
9. Don't become anti-social. I know you have tendencies to do so, but get a dog and some friends!
10. Read the Bible everyday. Learn to care from how Ad-nai and Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) first cared for us. Wash your disciples feet (metaphorically, but can be literally too!). 
11. Breathe. Relax when you can. Enjoy life. Don't stress about stuff you can't fix. When you can fix something, work the problem out in your head and take care of it.
12. Remember, G-d's plan for your life is infinitely better than your plan for your life. Just trust Him and stop giving the reigns, then taking them back right away!

 Feel free to add anything, I would love more advice for the future nurse me!

Awkward Encounter

In life, there are glorious moments when you put your foot right in you mouth and say something ridiculously foolish. I tend to have those moment several times a day...

This morning on my way to breakfast, I went by to pick up my friend because her dorm room is on the way to the cafeteria. We were talking about another friend, because I was asking for advice, and guess who comes around the corner? Yes, it was the friend we were talking about. The friend I was with just so happened to use the other friends name in a question that can be greatly misconstrued for taking place in a very nasty, gossipy conversation. I assure you, it was not, but I do believe she heard the question and her name because the friend we had mentioned was within ear shot and she was not her usual perky self at breakfast. Why am I so terrible at life? I don't want to bring it up with her on the off-chance that she did not hear anything, but I also do not want it to eat at her.

So, here I am not knowing what to do, yet again.

Folks, this is why I don't talk. Even when I don't talk much and I explain problems to a friend, somehow that information gets out to the world, causing me a lot of problems because I opened my mouth in the first place. I should take a vow of silence, move to the forest and not come into contact with anyone ever again, because I just end up making a fool of myself and hurting everyone.

G-d told us that the things we do in secret will be exposed, right? (Obviously that was paraphrased, but please correct be if I'm wrong.)

Friday, Friday, Gotta Get Down On Friday!

*The title should be said/sung to the tune of the Friday song

No, I'm not a fan of the song, but it popped into my head when I was trying to decide a title for today's post so there it is.

Not much happened today. I didn't have class so I slept in (until 6:30 this morning), got breakfast with my friend which grew into a 6 person party. I studied, hung out, studied, went to EI (stands for extra instruction, some new thing my A&P teacher is trying out). Came back to my dorm and ... wait for it... studied. Yet, in all of the studying, it does not feel like I accomplished much of anything. Does anyone else ever feel that way? It is quite an unfortunate feeling really, but it's my fault. At least I am beginning to work toward studying smarter and not harder.

By the way, my friends just turned me onto a great way to take notes so that you study as you go through the week. If you use legal notepads, then transfer and organize your notes into an actual notebook, you read over them and focus on them more than just putting them into a notebook and forgetting about them. I am sure most of you already knew that trick, but I thought it was nifty and I wish I would have known about it sooner!

On the friend front: I am learning that I do not pay great attention to my friends personal and dating lives outside of the time I already spend with them. One friend has been in a budding relationship for a few weeks and I just found out today. Of course, this goes hand-in-hand with my anti-gossip policy that has been newly established, but it is not gossip if I talk to the actual person to find out what is going on in their lives, is it? That is just being friendly and caring about them as an entire person with their own individual life. Also, my friend that may like me probably won't reveal it for awhile. G-d is answering my prayer for that so I can breathe easy and relax... as far as that is concerned. As far as my other stresses, they are still coming but G-d is teaching me to focus on today and not the future worries of my life and the world.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so grateful for G-d putting great friends into my life that make me laugh constantly. I truly do love them so very much, even though they curse and do stuff just to get me to react, I really enjoy handing out with them. Plus, everyone seems to poke at my buttons because there is a lot of stuff that I react to and I think it's funny anyway. I love that my friends are comfortable enough with me to poke fun at me, and I am able to TRY to poke fun at them. Unfortunately, I am not so good at teasing because I am a slow thinker, but they are good sports and laugh anyway at my many failed attempts. I am thankful for a day to study and the opportunity to finally make it to an EI session for anatomy.

What to do...

So, since I am working on not gossiping, am I able to talk to you about my friends and family? For instance, when I was talking about the guys that have asked me out, and my friend who may have a "thing" for me. Am I able to talk about that kinda stuff?

I really need some input on this because I do not know what to do. Most likely, you do not know who I am talking about, and I do not use names so it's not like you can go back to whoever I am talking about or start rumors. However, I am still giving you the run-down of my life which includes the juicy little tidbits that happen to me throughout the day. The definition of gossip I got from Google is: "Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true." All of these reports are true, I experienced them firsthand but that does not mean these subjects are okay from G-d's point of view.. I really need to read up on what the Bible says about gossip and pray about it so that I can make a Biblical stand on what I talk about and what I keep to myself. More to come soon...

On a different note, I turned in my Intent to Apply form for nursing school! It's kinda silly you have to turn in a form saying you are planning on applying because they will know when you apply. It also makes sense though so they can get you file set-up and make sure you are doing everything you need to be doing. My school usually has a couple hundred students apply to the nursing program each semester (you can apply in the spring for fall, or fall for spring). The problem is, there are only about 30-40 clinical spots each year. That makes me nervous. Well, it should, but I have this overwhelming peace about it. That doesn't mean I am certain I will get into this program, though I sure do hope I do! I simply have peace because I know that whatever happens, G-d has ultimate control and He will allow what is best for me to happen. Thus, His plans prevail and all the glory will be to His name. The whole system is beautiful really.

Also, I get to go home tomorrow! It's my mom's birthday this weekend and I am going home to make her some dinner, bake some challah (try it, it's good), and relax with my family and my dog. I cannot wait!

*When you try challah, make sure it is a sweet kind and homemade if possibly so that you can add honey and/or sugar to it yourself. The kind they have at Einstein's is mini, and absolutely adorable, but it's not usually sweet. Also, try the cinnamon raisin kind that is typically made for Rosh Hashannah, it is absolutely delicious!*

Test Results

In college, tests usually end up being scheduled all in the same week or two. I don't really know why this is, but it is a pattern I have discovered. Last week and the week before just happened to be my testing weeks. As you may know, I got a C on my A&P Lab test, a B on my A&P Lecture, a B on my Chem test and I finally got my grade back for psych... I got 104% with no extra credit offered!!! It wasn't even a typo, the teacher just decided that 6 questions were not properly worded, so she gave the entire class (of nearly 400, I think) 12 extra points. This was my first A of the semester (even without the extra points) on a test and it felt really good. Somehow, it doesn't seem as though I deserve it because I did not study nearly enough for the test, and the whole thing is multiple choice. But I am so very glad with the results because my other grades were really getting me down. This is a start, not a great one, but it's not nearly as bad as it could have been. Now, just to finish off the week... I have psych left today since I went to Chem this morning. Then I have A&P, English and Chem lab tomorrow. 11.5 weeks remaining in the semester, out of 18 (including spring break and finals week). We are making head-way guys!

My struggle to nicer talk update: I am struggling with this not because I gossip, but because I let others "vent" and gossip to me. I am also not to the point where I have stopped my sarcastic remarks to my friends. Everyone knows it is all fun and games, and most of us use sarcasm, but I don't want to be speaking anything but life to my friends. This may be a really difficult habit to break because we have morphed as a friend group to really shy and timid people, to being super comfortable with each other so we can poke fun at each others faults or shortcomings. While this may be fun, it is not right for me to do as a believer in Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) because we are called to be children of light. In order to do this, we must be respectful and build each other up, speaking life over them, complimenting them, pulling them aside to talk about shortcomings that may affect the person/group, etc. When I started doing daily thanksgivings, it was really hard, I did not normally look for the good in life because I saw so much "going wrong". But once I got into the habit of looking for thanksgivings, I became more positive and happy. This was a crazy transformation because I struggle(d) with depression. Of coarse, I still have seasons of depression, but it is usually because I am not following the L-rd's plans, or I am rebelling in some way. Perhaps speaking life over my friends, and everyone else, will bring some sort of positive effect for them and maybe even for myself. I still need an accountability partner though... Maybe if I am accountable to all of you, it will work even better! Congratulations, you are all now helping me to live a more Messiah-like life! Don't be afraid to tell me when I am not speaking properly about others. Just be honest. Honesty seems even easier when you cannot see me and I cannot see you doesn't it?

I also want to start talking more positively. My friends compared me to the "grumpy cat" that usually has a frown and says some negative (yet funny) comment about most everything that is enjoyable. I know I complain quite a bit, even though it's not nearly as much as I used to. This is unacceptable for me to do. G-d blesses me with so much, how is it that my friends do not see the joy that comes from my relationship with Ad-nai? Obviously, I am living improperly, because my friends should see the love and excitement I have for G-d. I should be known for this joy and love, not for my depression, negative remarks, and sarcasm. I want to be known for being kind, gentle, loving, gracious, thankful, enjoyable, and positive. This has to change and I plan on allowing G-d to work with me on it.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got an amazing grade on my first psych test. I am also thankful I paid off my balance from moving to a more expensive dorm room. G-d took care of both of those because I definitely could have managed extra cash or more than 100% on a test (that does not offer extra credit points). Today, I am feeling so blessed and at peace. I know I am blessed everyday, today is just one of those times I am able to really notice every single blessing and the overwhelming Shalom (peace and many other meanings, you should look it up) encompassing me like a hug. I am also thankful that G-d is pointing out my flaws. He disciplines and works on those He loves, as long as they are willing, right? Maybe I am learning how to listen to His whispers in my life, teaching me to live properly for Him. I sure hope so because I do not like living improperly especially when my friends know I am a believer. I want to make sure my life reflects His beauty in all aspects. I am thankful for His correction.

Permission to Speak

Does anyone else have days when you wish you weren't aloud to speak because what you say is just kinda random and out of place? I have that kind of day nearly every day. I think it's because I zone out, or cannot hear someone during the conversation. I then proceed to "add" to the conversation, but end up looking like a fool because what I say is totally off topic and random. Sometimes, I think it would be nice if I had a muzzle and was not allowed to talk without a review board looking over every word I plan to say before a sound is uttered from my lips. By the time the statement is processed, it would still be off topic because the conversation would have moved on by then... I am just a slow thinker, which comes in really unfortunate when I try to be witty or when I am trying to make my argument face-to-face with someone because I think of what to say hours or even days later. When I bring up the conversation again, they look at me like I'm nuts and they probably wonder why they are my friend in the first place. Whatever, I make myself laugh and I know I could have won the argument!

Recently I watched a sermon on YouTube from a Messianic Rabbi. He was talking about gossip, slanderous speech, and other things I am very guilty of (including listening to music that is not of G-d, which came out of no-where but was something G-d was already talking to me about).  Most of these things had to do with the need to control our tongue, it was very interesting and touched my heart profoundly. Isn't it crazy how Ad-nai impressing things upon our hearts, then goes on to reinforce His message in a bunch of seemingly unrelated ways. That's when I know He is talking to me most times, because the same lesson and solution keep coming up in most/all aspects of my life. This controlling my tongue thing is really tough. I have made it a point to try to not slander people, and I have been really working on that for a couple years. But I have learned I still gossip and contribute to the gossiping nature in others, even just by letting them vent. While they are venting, however, there may be some personal attacks or other things said that are not life-promoting words. When this happens, and I do not speak life about the person being gossiped or talked about, it is causing damage to them because of the power in words. This power reaches beyond the emotional hurt someone may feel when the news gets back to them, it really seems to be a way Satan spreads his mischief in this world. So, I need accountability partners. If you comment or email me, I can give you the link to the video I watched, it was really powerful. But I need help. I need to be able to be told when I am talking poorly about others. Even talking about my residents and the CNA's that help train me with anything less of complete respect is wrong of me to do. I should be speaking life about them and over them. We should be speaking life about everyone and if there is no life or good things to be said... then nothing should be said at all. So, is there anyone out there willing to help keep me accountable for my speech?

Daily Thanksgiving: Today got warmer. I had an easy day and I also got to spend time with my friends. Nothing big, but even when we do not see anything "big" happen in our lives, G-d is still working miracles, He just hasn't shown them to us yet. I also got to go to lunch with my nursing mentor, who is also my mentor for youth group/Bible study here on campus. I don't know what to call it, but it is like youth group. I am so thankful for her kindness. It is not easy to be friends with me sometimes, just because I am not great at keeping conversations going (though I really do try) and I need more time alone than the average person, so people think I am antisocial. Friends really do make me happy, I just need smaller, less frequent doses than most other people. But she has really been persistent and G-d is teaching me so much through her, not just about nursing school or my relationship with Him. He is teaching me how to branch out and show who He is in more aspects of my life.