Completely Fed Up

Do y'all ever have those days were you are just fed up with everything? You don't want to work, or go to school, or have friends or even breath...

Ya, I'm having one of those months.

I love my friends. I like my job and I'm very grateful I have employment. I am truly thankful for the opportunity to go to college to further my career and I am also very grateful that G-d allows me to continue breathing. Today, I am just having a tough time. Maybe it's the mid-April snow storm or the fact that I have a billion, potentially life-changing decisions to make. Or it could just be that my brain's chemistry is off, especially today, causing this extreme discombobulation that is accompanying my demeanor. I don't know what it is, but it's bummin' me out! Also, it could likely be attributed to the fact that I got B's on every test I had last week, after I thought I had worked really hard to get better grades, because I was not being self-disciplined enough to stop hanging out with friends... On second thought, it could be that last one that is making me want to give up, not only at school, but at life because honestly, I don't know what I'm doing with my life!

I just want to know what my purpose on this planet is. I know we are here to give G-d glory and to allow His plans to go through, but do I have a bigger purpose? Some people "cure" diseases or save lives. Others make the world a better place by giving orphans a home and providing meals for those who don't have food. Yet others do other stuff that has some significant impact on the world and the general well-being of others. As for me, I don't do anything. I am just a student, quiet and shy. Timid and I used to be decent at school, but that is not necessarily the case any longer. I have friends that get to know me on the surface as I delve deeper into who they are, only to be deserted a few months or years down the road for someone else. I have been a best friend to countless others while I am still very lonely, and without a mate, myself. I am a daughter and sister. I am the oldest grandchild on my dad's side and just one of a bunch on my mom's side. I am a CNA who makes too many mistakes to count, and I'm almost surprised they haven't talked to me or fired me yet for making the other CNA's late all the time in their daily schedules. I was an unnoticeable cashier but now I stick with my life-long dilemma of no one remembering my name, or even my face.

It's times like these when I wonder what is going on? Why are we here? Do I even have a bigger purpose or am I just a space-filler? Does anybody get me or am I just an undetectable island? Will there ever be a friend that gives me what I give to them? I don't need much, just someone to hear me when I can't find anyone. I need someone who will sit with me when I just need to know someone else is there. I need someone to be silly with, but who I can also pour my heart out to as they make sense of the mess within me. I need a wise mentor who is also looking for advice from me.

I need to be needed... understood... accepted... nurtured... loved.