So, for those of you who have read my past posts, you know I was kinda into this guy, who might kinda be into me. If you know this, you likely also know that I was fighting with myself as to what I ought to do about it. Well, I did the wrong thing because it felt good... it doesn't "feel" good anymore. (No, I did not sleep with him, I did not kiss him. My boundaries do include no hugs unless they are side hugs. Also, no laying in the same bed together cuddling. The last two things, the hugs and laying in the same bed, I did allow him to do.) It's not even a big deal, I just have been leading him on in a way by letting him come over a lot. We have spent probably around four hours together every night (except for maybe 2) in the past two weeks since I've gotten back from break. Then, last night I started to get back to being closer with G-d, and everything has changed. I realized that this isn't right when He gave me Proverbs 4:23 to read. I shouldn't be letting this boy push my boundaries, and I should not be leading him on because it will break his heart also leading to my broken heart. Strange how so much pain can come from just having a crush on someone and then calling it off. We aren't even dating and I know this is going to hurt. He has been one of my closest friends since I've started school here and if I have to tell him no, he's probably going to be really sad. And since he is sad, I will be super sad because I hate telling people bad news. It affects me almost more than it affects the person because I don't handle guilt very well.
So, I have come back to the conclusion that I cannot date until junior year, maybe. Still, that depends on if G-d even ever wants me to get married. The boys that have liked me so far are getting closer and closer to the kind of guy that I envisioned for myself, but who's to say that is the type of man G-d wants for me. Or if there even is someone He has picked for me. I don't know what the future holds, all I know is that this newly strengthened resolve is giving me motivation for today and is helping me to get closer to the Creator. Actually, I even have a peace about this whole thing. For week I have been contemplating throwing some boundaries out the window, like dating before junior year. But now, I am a little more sure that I will just have to wait. I trust the L-rd wholly because only He knows what the future holds for any of us. He is my rock, and He has my heart.
That's another thing, I've been thinking about values and how important they are in relationships, especially romantic (I hate that word as much as I hate "feelings") relationships. Lately a few of my friends have had to say no to boys who have been interested in them, simply because they have different values. We are not to be "unequally yoked" with people who do not believe the same as we do. (This does not mean you cannot be friends with them, because how are they to see the Light if they are not exposed to people who have the Light? It simply means we should not date or marry them because they will have very different values and expectations of the relationship.) How can a relationship work if the foundations of the people in the relationship are completely different? For me, my faith is really important. Also, I love G-d above anyone or anything else, EVER. So, to be contemplating a relationship with someone who does not share the same passion for G-d is a very foolish decision.
Needless to say, I am now trying to figure out how to tell him, should the time come that I have to explain everything. Also, I am trying to figure out how to enforce my boundaries... L-rd willing this whole thing will just blow over and fizzle out, but I don't know how likely that is.
I will try to post again tonight after I spend some time with my Mema, mom, and extended family. My Mema is coming into town today and she is a nurse who is so excited I am going into nursing also. I so respect her and look up to her. She is a woman who has been married and divorced twice because the men did not treat her right. Now, she is independent and I aspire to be like her. She is kind, easy going and a fantastic NICU nurse. Hopefully she won't retire until she can teach me how to be a nurse too!
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