Update from Yesterday

Yesterday was fairly uneventful. I studied a bit, procrastinated a lot, stressed over my next week of a million tests, a quiz and a paper. Then I went to eat with my mom and brother. When I got back, I played football with my friends, and even a bunch of friends I haven't hung out with since last semester but I miss them so badly.

By the way, mema didn't end up coming yesterday. She had a tough day at work and was exhausted so she didn't want to drive the 8 hours to get here. I was really bummed, but I want her to be able to rest when she needs it. Also, I need her to be well-rested before she makes that long trip so she doesn't crash. So it was just my mom and my brother who came down to see me. We went out to dinner and had a great time. I so miss my brother. Lately he has been not so nice to me, likely because he is 17 and getting a large dose of testosterone. By the way, I do not approve of this sudden change guys tend to have because they can be nice one day and totally cruel and mean the next... Anyway, he was more like how I remember him being when we were super close, so that was awesome. My mom is just amazing always. I was wanting to talk to her about my problems, but my brother was there, so I ended up calling her once I knew she had made it home from the hour and a half drive to get to me. The L-rd gave her words to say. She knows me so well because G-d knows me so well and I believe she listens to G-d. Her wisdom was so soothing and comforting because when my mentors are telling me to go against my strong boundaries (even though they are women of the same faith as me), my mom understands my boundaries and my ways of protecting my heart. She also knows how bad it hurts to not have those boundaries, which is also why I developed the strange and seemingly silly ones that I did.

Her story: She came from an abusive family. Once she got out, she made her way. She went to beauty school to have a better paying job than some others. She apprenticed for a really long time. Then she started going to school for nursing. The school had originally denied her, but she convinced them to let her in on probation. At this school, prereques were two years and clinicals were two years. She got done with the first two years and got accepted into clinicals (proving she was a good choice by fighting to get in), then she got pregnant with me and had to drop out before she started clinicals. She probably could have gone to school with me being an infant, but she didn't want me to have substandard care and she didn't want to leave me. To this day, she is still a hairdresser. My father and my mom married at the end of the month I was born in and they are still married to this day. But before she had me, she had been through so many dating relationships and some were even abusive because she didn't know she could have boundaries.

Now her story is a part of me. I am finishing nursing school to complete her dreams and to convince her to go back to school with me. Her story saddens me because it seems like it's my fault she could not finish. She wanted to be a nurse so that she could travel the world with missionaries and spread the love of Jesus (she was Christian then, which isn't really different than what we are now, but I just wanted to explain the name choice here...). I know that she can do it. I also know that it was in G-d's plans for life to turn out this way. Also, I know that the thought that this was my fault is from the Adversary (Satan).

So, to avoid any of this for me, I installed boundaries. Carefully thought through and discussed with Abba (means Father), the Creator of myself and everything, ever. These boundaries seem outlandish and too complicated, but G-d can make anything happen and if He has chosen a man for me, then that man will have to be talking to G-d in order to figure out how to get to my heart. Until then (if that should ever happen), G-d holds my heart completely. Even once I am married, G-d will hold my heart and all of my love because He loved me first and He is the only one who will never let me down.


Daily Thanksgiving: I have strengthened my resolve to do what I figured needed to be done. G-d has given me clarity. Through my mom, G-d gave me strong, solid words of wisdom as to how I should handle this mess I have gotten myself into. Yesterday, I got to spend time with my mom and brother, friends I have not seen in a really long time, and also with my friends I hang out with a lot. Guys, I have loads of friends! True friends that care about me, not about what I can do for them. My mema is safe at home. I studied yesterday. I got a couple new shirts... Most of all I have Shalom (peace) in my heart. Also, I have started getting right with G-d. He opened up our communication line that I had packed with things of this world, and He is talking to me loud and clear (metaphorically speaking, I don't really here an audible voice because I would pee my pants...)