Job Hunt

I've been looking for another job, hopefully in a hospital, but I'm not getting any bites yet. I would really like to work somewhere that would pay me more and where I could get some experience in the hospital. Unfortunately, I went for an interview 2 weeks ago and they still haven't called me back. On the bright side, positions in the NICU opened up! The job would be a unit secretary of the unit and so I have applied for that position like 6 times, no joke! I just want to do something else besides working in a nursing home. I absolutely love my patients, but I'm burn out at this place. I don't make much but they require us to do so many extra little things since our residents have such severe behaviors. I want the residents to be safe and to be as comfortable and engaged as possible, but the administrators change so frequently that they don't necessarily know what is really going on with the residents.

I suppose I am largely to blame for getting burnt out. Trying to work 50+ hours a week on top of taking microbiology in a condensed, intense course was not a wise choice. Maybe when I get my two weeks of summer in between my week-long course and my actual fall nursing classes I can work a 3-4 doubles and then take the rest of the time off to go camping, swimming, fishing, muddin', etc. For some reason I keep thinking that this summer wouldn't have been so bad if I could have just worked and not had the stress of school, but I would have been burnt out still working so much. A major positive, however, is that I have made loads of friends at work and I am getting way faster at toileting, feeding, bathing, dressing, vitals, and everything else a CNA does! So, being so exhausted is not completely a terrible thing because I don't feel so lost anymore and work is now just work instead of being this awful beast that I dreaded with all of my being.

I got a 88% on my last test in micro too! I can't remember if I had already told you about that or not yet, so here it is. I cut down on my hours and actually studied for this last test and G-d gave me an amazing grade. Plus, I finally got a textbook so I can finally study for the course instead of guessing... I would have been making much better grades if I would have had the book the whole time, but you life and learn I suppose.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go swimming with my friend and we had a nice afternoon hanging out. I got a really good grade and I'm getting somewhere around a B in micro. G-d provided me with a great apartment that I am loving more and more each day. I got to see my brother yesterday and he got a job down here so he should be coming back down to stay here shortly! My boys (my guy friends from school) are moving in to the complex (the same apartment complex as me) at the end of this month. That means that I will have all of my boys to protect me and I can protect them, once I get my shotgun... Anywho, I have to go to work tomorrow, but then I have the rest of the week off until Thursday and I hope to get a lot accomplished on my days off but I also pray that the days I go to work will be nonstressful, good, calm, easy days. I have friends at work!

Worst Friend Ever

Folks, I'm talking about me. In the last week, I have made a friend cry and ruined another friendship. I don't know why I suck at life, but I do. I'm terrible with people! What was I thinking making friends and talking? Dumbest decision I've had in a long time, and maybe ever in my life. Man alive! What is wrong with me? I never used to make people cry, never. And friends have been mad at me before, but this one hurts more than it did before. So far they are both still talking to me, but I still failed them.

I have a confession, I wanted to learn how to speak my mind so that people don't keep walking all over me, but if this is what results, I don't want any part of it! It's not even like I have a thick skin either, but I didn't think I was mean. Now, I'm thinking I am so very mean and I'm seriously considering why people even befriend me in the first place.

Then, I start thinking about why I befriend others. I make friends because I know what it is to be uncomfortable on the sidelines watching everyone else socialize and have fun. So, I rope other people in a help them to make connections until they don't need me anymore. Then, the connections that we had slowly fade into nothing more than a smile in the halls. Fortunately for me, I am now comfortable on the sidelines with no one else to sit with or talk to, but if there is someone, I will interact with them.

Subsequently, I started thinking about my friends. I do have friends, and they are often very kind to hang out with me because I am crazy. Y'all know, you read my thoughts in this blog. Anyway, I have never really felt connected to anyone. Even when I have a bunch of friends, and loads of stuff to do with them, I always feel lonely. So, what's wrong with me? We weren't made to be of the world, we are merely in it to fulfill G-d's plans, but I feel all alone when surrounded by seas of people. Even when I let someone know my secrets and my deeper, crazier thoughts, I never really feel connected or close to anyone. Now, the bonds I used to have with my parents and brother are even dwindling. Is it just part of growing up? If it is, then why have I always been so lonely, all my life. I know G-d is always with me, but I've been screwing up with Him and I haven't been working on that relationship and everything is falling apart!!!

So, my conclusion is: I suck at life.

Continuation

I tried to find a word different than update because it seems I use that word ("update") in a lot of my blog titles... so I chose continuation, but it doesn't really make sense...

Anywho, I haven't done a whole lot with my day. I went to English without my completed paper, but my teacher didn't seem to care. Then I had chem lab and I got so embarrassed! So my lab partner and I are always the last people because we are always messing around and talking. Then my lab instructor came over to see if we were doing alright and they started joking around about how funny it would be if I ever cursed anybody out or yelled at them because I have a fairly high-pitched, soft voice. I turned all sorts of red! Then I got redder because I was embarrassed that I was blushing which made the whole situation worse. Whatever, it was pretty funny. Now I am the Hulk with an anger problem in chem lab... Haha, at least we have a good time.

Also, I got to work-out today!!! I ran for a whole 5 minutes and burned about 250 calories by running that little bit and walking. That's not bad. I know it takes a whole lot more calorie burning to actually lose weight, but I just do cardio to burn energy so I can sleep better and do something besides sit in my room. Maybe tomorrow I will conquer the stair stepper, or probably an elliptical first because stairs kill and I need to climb 2600+ stairs to start to train for the stair hike. That's a lot of stairs! But, I have rarely had goals that I actually go through on, but I really want to do this so that I am not the slowest person who keeps their whole group waiting for an hour. It's also good because I used to be the chubby kid in class. I was called fat repeatedly by different groups of kids in different grades and schools. Now, for the first time I am comfortable (kind of) with where I am and I am finally starting to enjoy exercise, not as a weight loss campaign that I get on a month before the pool opens, but as something that makes me feel good. Nobody is pushing me but myself and if I want to run, I run. If I just want to talk, that's all I do. This is a big step for me because I usually resist exercise because I was forced onto diets as an elementary and middle school student because I hated the way I looked. G-d is showing me the beauty in my curves and He is also teaching me to eat healthy to keep this body healthy because it is His body, I just rent it while I'm here on earth.

Daily Thanksgiving: All my tests are done for this week and I am now on the weekend! I got a volunteer opportunity with a faith-based medical clinic and I will get to work, hopefully, as a CNA in a clinical setting! I got to work-out and I ran today. Also, I probably could have run longer than 5 minutes which is big for me because I don't run (normally). G-d is showing me the beauty in this body he created. I have an amazing lab partner and a great chem lab instructor. Regardless of the cold weather that has come in and the bad feelings about my tests, I am having a great week. I have Shalom and joy, true joy that only comes from the Father. Tomorrow I get to go apartment shopping with my old roommate who is going to be my roommate again next year! I get to live with the girl that I got along with when I was in my dorm suite (before I moved out).