It's about time!

I figured I would try to stop my negativity from coming through so heavily and let you know the fun I have been having this summer!

I volunteered at a local rodeo which wasn't super fun, but I did get to watch bits and pieces throughout and there was a dance afterwards that I went to. The first night we went dancing I went with my buddy (Big Red) who is very much a city girl and happy to be. That's cool, I don't judge. I ended up convincing my new Roommate (I need to find her a nickname).

OH MAN! We were standing watching the dancing and a cowboy came over and asked to dance with me!!! No, I don't know how to dance. I was forthcoming with this information and he told me it was no big deal, he would teach me. <3 I was being twirled and guided and the smile on my face never left. Unfortunately, I did not get his number but he was just a sweet guy that was dancing with all the wallflowers.

A couple of days ago Roommate took me to ride her new horses and now I NEED one. No joke. I NEED a horse more than I need air. Well, maybe not that much. I am so excited she has horses though because that means that I can ride them too! We also went to the county fair out where she lives and watch another rodeo. Then we got to talk to her guy friends that she introduced me to about 5 years ago when we first met and it turns out they live down the road from us in the city. I knew they went to my university because they would come by and visit with me when I was working my IT job. Anywho, they are a hoot and I'm so excited for this coming year.

Have y'all ever heard of sugar gliders? There was a table at the fair with a guy selling them. They're kinda strange looking, but really cute. They love to cuddle and fly. Just watch...

Roommate and I saw them and decided we really wanted one. They were grossly overpriced at the fair so we started shopping around with some of her friends that have them. Well, one of their family friends heard that we wanted one and he bought it for her/us! So, now we have one of these little critters. She and I are kind of a dangerous mix because we both love animals... but we live in an apartment... I'll give y'all a whole bio about Roomie another day.

Oooh! I got to go camping with my family and extended family. Three days of nothing was absolutely beautiful. We got to make s'mores, I ate way more than I should have but hey, it was my vacation.

All Day School

I forgot how tough it was to sit through class all day! I am taking a summer/interim course that condenses a whole semester into a week and I keep almost falling asleep in class because I get so bored. The internet doesn't even work in the class so I keep nodding off during lecture and it's nearly impossible to keep my eyes open. The morning is worse than the afternoon for some reason, but I'm now done with about 4-5 weeks (out of 15) of the course! I love these condensed courses. Just get it all done with all together so that I don't have to mess with it anymore when I have so many other classes during the normal semester.

If you have to option to take a condensed course or a semester course, do the condensed. It is tough and intense, but you study as you go and the teachers are usually more inclined to grade easier and have slightly easier tests because it is so much work in such a short time.

By the time I get home I'm exhausted, my brain is fried, I'm starving and I just want to veg. I was more productive today though! For all of you procrastinators out there, not procrastinating is actually easier than it seems. I came home, cooked, watched a little t.v., and then started studying. It's not that bad, you just have to eat some carbs (I like apples and peanut butter) for brain fuel, and then dig into studying! It's be over before you know it as long as you stay focused. I think my major problem staying focused was the fact that I usually eat the wrong things and then I want to snack the whole time I should be studying so I start munching. Before you know it, I have gained 10 pounds in a week because I should be studying for a test but I get bored ad begin to eat. So, eat carbs (brain food) and some protein with a little fiber (to keep you full) and study, study, study. It's really helped me, today anyway.

Now that I'm done, I'm kinda really want to go to the county fair with my guy friends. I think I'm a little low on testosterone... I can't fix that this week, though. I have a mid-term Wednesday and a final on Friday. This means you'll likely hear from me a whole lot this week, unless I can fix my procrastination/binge eating cycle... We'll see.

Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the first day of class and I'm close to a quarter of the way done! My family reunion is on Saturday and I get to see my favorite people EVER in my favorite place! I am getting better with cutting down on procrastination. I get to go to sleep now.

On a completely random note, I was recently informed that I am introspective. I guess it makes sense. I don't really see it because I'm constantly listening to my own, non-ending thoughts. I had a revelation the other day, but I kinda forget it right now. Once I remember it and have it "well worded" (as good as it gets from me, anyway), I will share it with you. It will probably seem like common sense to you, but it was profoundly powerful when G-d gave me the revelation so maybe it can help someone.

Job Hunt

I've been looking for another job, hopefully in a hospital, but I'm not getting any bites yet. I would really like to work somewhere that would pay me more and where I could get some experience in the hospital. Unfortunately, I went for an interview 2 weeks ago and they still haven't called me back. On the bright side, positions in the NICU opened up! The job would be a unit secretary of the unit and so I have applied for that position like 6 times, no joke! I just want to do something else besides working in a nursing home. I absolutely love my patients, but I'm burn out at this place. I don't make much but they require us to do so many extra little things since our residents have such severe behaviors. I want the residents to be safe and to be as comfortable and engaged as possible, but the administrators change so frequently that they don't necessarily know what is really going on with the residents.

I suppose I am largely to blame for getting burnt out. Trying to work 50+ hours a week on top of taking microbiology in a condensed, intense course was not a wise choice. Maybe when I get my two weeks of summer in between my week-long course and my actual fall nursing classes I can work a 3-4 doubles and then take the rest of the time off to go camping, swimming, fishing, muddin', etc. For some reason I keep thinking that this summer wouldn't have been so bad if I could have just worked and not had the stress of school, but I would have been burnt out still working so much. A major positive, however, is that I have made loads of friends at work and I am getting way faster at toileting, feeding, bathing, dressing, vitals, and everything else a CNA does! So, being so exhausted is not completely a terrible thing because I don't feel so lost anymore and work is now just work instead of being this awful beast that I dreaded with all of my being.

I got a 88% on my last test in micro too! I can't remember if I had already told you about that or not yet, so here it is. I cut down on my hours and actually studied for this last test and G-d gave me an amazing grade. Plus, I finally got a textbook so I can finally study for the course instead of guessing... I would have been making much better grades if I would have had the book the whole time, but you life and learn I suppose.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go swimming with my friend and we had a nice afternoon hanging out. I got a really good grade and I'm getting somewhere around a B in micro. G-d provided me with a great apartment that I am loving more and more each day. I got to see my brother yesterday and he got a job down here so he should be coming back down to stay here shortly! My boys (my guy friends from school) are moving in to the complex (the same apartment complex as me) at the end of this month. That means that I will have all of my boys to protect me and I can protect them, once I get my shotgun... Anywho, I have to go to work tomorrow, but then I have the rest of the week off until Thursday and I hope to get a lot accomplished on my days off but I also pray that the days I go to work will be nonstressful, good, calm, easy days. I have friends at work!

This May Be a Book

No, I'm not writing a book on purpose, but this post may be really long because I have had so much going on lately so I will write a shorter version and expound below for those who would rather not read my latest novel...

1) I got an apartment in an interesting complex because of my new/previous neighbors... It's good though.

2) Work is getting better.

3) My brother finally got into my university so he will be moving down with me.

4) My mom wants to move me in on Sunday, but I will be working until 3 so I don't know how that will go.

5) I was going to go see my kids (the children I babysit), but the little boy got sick. I really wanted to see them, but I'm behind in school so maybe G-d just wanted me to stay home a study a little more today.

6) Another boy asked me out...

Explainations:

1) Now, apartment shopping did not go as planned. My mom followed me down to the town my university is in (about an hour - an hour and a half drive) so that we could go look at some apartments in hopes of signing a lease and getting moved in soon. We went to one complex I had seen online and she did not like it at all. So then I took her to another complex that I really liked, she didn't. So, we went driving and exploring and found a few more. One was way too expensive and the other she loved. Turns out that the one she really likes is the one that my guy friends are moving into also! This is good because I will have them and my brother in case anything ever happens. This may not be so good because I am now in nursing school and the guys all like to hang out a lot. I have no time. Since time is such a difficult thing for me to come by, but they seem to have loads of time on their hands, I end up feeling like a bad guy for having to say no all the time because they don't like being told that I cannot do anything ever because I am bound and determined to get really good grades and become a nurse at some point, hopefully in the near future. Only G-d knows how this will end up working out. Until then, I am just relieved I got an apartment.


Since I explained that, let's talk about how nice it is! It feels really small. It's only 900-somethin' square feet, but it's better than the ones I had originally liked. It comes with a washer and dryer for no additional cost... inside of the apartment! So, I will not have to use laundry facilities because I have it in my apartment. My brother and I both have our own rooms and our own bathrooms. This will be so nice for getting ready in the morning because we will be riding together each day to save money on parking passes. We have a fireplace and a porch. We have a kitchen with plenty of counter space for making challah. Our dining room area is a lot bigger than I had expected and the living room is a decent size. So, even though it feels small now, once we put our furniture in, it will likely start to feel homier and it will be very good. Plus, it's on the second (top) floor. It is on the corner of a building and it's the very last building of the complex. So, we have tons of parking, no one banging on the floor above us, only one person directly next to us, and we have a view of the mountains. Praise the L-rd! He answered all of my requests in addition to providing me an apartment and money to pay the rent! It would have been sufficient to just let us have an apartment that I can afford, but He threw in all the things I wanted and lots of things I didn't even now I wanted!

2) Do y'all remember how miserable I used to be at work? Did I ever tell you about it? That was more of a rhetorical question because I can't remember and I'm talking to myself and then writing it down... Anywho, I used to hate work because I am slow, never know what I'm doing, and I felt like a failure most of the time because I would make the other CNA's get behind. Plus, I don't ever really feel like anyone likes me, so that played into my dislike of work a lot too. For the past month or so, however, I have been working a little more than full time hours and I have been making lots of money for my apartment. Since I'm working so much, I am getting a little faster and I made friends! I think they may actually agree that we are friends too because I'm not always the one to instigate the conversations, they come and talk to me just to see how life is really going. Then, they even share their life happenings, many of which are hard and require trust in order to tell me their situations.  So, I now don't mind work so much and I don't feel like a failure at work as often! This may sound odd, but it's good news.

3) He found out yesterday! I was wondering if he would actually get in because it is so close to the time when I need to move down there and he needs to get classes and he wasn't sure if he would be able to come with me. But, right after we signed the lease and he went back up to our hometown (he came down with my mom yesterday to look at apartments), he called the school and they told him he got in! Now I don't have to find a new roommate and I will get to live with my best friend, my brother. He drives me nuts, we drive each other nuts, but we also know how to live to together and we are actually pretty good together. Plus, it will be safer living with him than it would be if I were to live with another girl.

4) This is just a case of my parents loving me so much that they want to rush me into my apartment so that I don't have to drive an hour and a half both ways every day while I live at home. I left my friends house for a little while because I am homesick and I did something very stupid which is still a sore subject. I will tell you guys all about it another day though, once the sting has worn off. So, hopefully I can find a replacement for Sunday so that I don't have to miss moving into my apartment and so that my family doesn't have to do it all themselves because that's not fair for them!

5) This one is self-explanatory really. I haven't seen these kids in a really long time, since my birthday in the beginning of April actually, so I was going to go see them today. Unfortunately, the little boy puked, so his mom texted me and told me I could come if I wanted to, but she would understand if I didn't want to. I think this is actually a blessing in disguise. I feel so bad that he is not feeling well, especially because he is a toddler and toddlers do not take illness well. On the other hand, it is really good because I was stressing out about school because I am a bit behind of where I should be right now. So, now I will get caught up and I can go see them another time real soon. We may even be able to go to the pool instead of me having to leave early from the visit because I have to go to school the same day.

6) Now, this totally blindsided me and it's kind of a long story so hang with me. The girl I was staying with lives in a forest in the town I go to university in. There was a fire near her house and her and her mom were evacuated from their house which means I got evacuated too. We went and stayed at their friends house. At this house, the son had the whole basement to himself. He has a little living room with couches, a bathroom and his bed. So the three of us crashed in his basement while he went and stayed at his grandparents house because they were out of town anyway. I stayed there 4 days without ever meeting him, even though I was sleeping in his bed, using his bathroom, and getting to know his mom. He would come over for dinner every day, but I was working late and he always left before I arrived at his house so our paths never crossed. One day, I didn't have to work late so I actually ate dinner with them. We were all sitting in the living room eating because we were glued to the t.v. and all of a sudden they lifted the evacuation zone so that we could get back in! He and his friend (who also lives at their house) came with us to help us move back in and to make sure everything was safe. Then he texted my friend and asked her for my number. That was such a surprise. I thought he was cute, but since I'm refusing to date my other guy friend, I knew nothing could happen. Plus, I was certain that he did not like me back because I am just not the kind of girl guys typically ask out randomly. So she told me the whole situation, asked if she could give him my number and then he started texting me. We had only talked for a couple hours while we were waiting for the barricades to be lifted and I was so shocked when she told me the whole story.

So, he and I started texting for a couple days, just getting to know each other. He asked if I had a boyfriend and also asked what I look for in a guy. Haha, this poor kid doesn't know me at all! I kept it friendly and told him I don't know what I look for in a guy because I'm waiting for G-d to show me who I'm supposed to be with. Then he asked my friend and I to the movies with him and his friend. I declined because us girls do not have free time and we are not looking to date. He kept it friendly for a couple more days, then he asked me to dinner. Ahhhhhh! I don't know what to do with that. I've never been on a real date and that sounds like it's pretty close to a real date. I told him I couldn't but offered to go to coffee instead. He accepted and we talked for a solid hour and a half, but it only felt like 10 minutes.

I have yet to tell him that I'm not looking to get a boyfriend and I don't think he will like my boundaries if we ever were anything more than friends because we have very different morals. Those differences though will probably keep me from allowing this to become more than friends though.

But, he like muddin', hunting, fishing, working on engines, racing, and so many other things that I find so much fun! He is very masculine with dark hair, dark eyes, a souped up truck, and he is kind of a country boy that is stuck living in the city. He wants to be an EMT but he already has an Associate's degree in diesel mechanics and he is really smart. I have a think for country boys with souped up trucks and dark eyes... This doesn't seem like it can work though because he is Catholic, which is good because he is a believer, but our beliefs are very different. So, maybe G-d wants us to get married down the road, but for right now it seems like I am getting a "no-go" from the L-rd as far as dating is concerned.

After we went to coffee though, he hasn't texted me. It's been two days... I always wondered why it was such a big deal of who texts first after a "date" (I don't really consider this coffee meeting an actual date). I'm starting to understand it a little more though. If I text him, then I am not sure if he really likes me or not. If he texts me, then he may think that I am not interested in putting in the effort to text him. In my opinion, the guy should be in control. He should text/call first after a date. He needs to show the girl that he is interested in her and she has to be responsible to tell the guy that she is/isn't interested in furthering the relationship with him. I'm super traditional and old-fashioned though.

So, I am flattered that he thought I was cute and worth while because I still see myself as the chubby kid in class that thought she was ugly because she always hung out with really pretty girls who got asked out (since first or second grade on). Also, he thought I was attractive when I thought he was attractive too. I had a little crush on him from the time he went home that night from helping us back in all through work the next day but I doubted that anything would come of it because I was a mess, I said stupid things, and I'm not one of those pretty girls that guys usually ask out. I know that I am beautifully made, and very intricately designed, but I have a hard time believing that guys thing I'm pretty. This boy told my friend he thought I was gorgeous. That's a flat out lie and probably a line to get her to give him my number. Whatever, I had a small dose of confidence for a few days, especially since he said I was gorgeous even though my hair was up and a total wreck, my face was breaking out, and I was stressed because of work, school, and being homeless from the evacuation (their house is fine, I just felt homeless because I was displaced from living with my friend and it felt like I was living out of my car).

Now, I also feel guilty for even going to coffee with this guy because I have another guy that has a thing for me. I was not made for anything like this, I am not used to it, and I do not know how people even try to date two people at one time. I'm not even dating either one of them but I feels like I am in two separate relationships.

End of story for now.

It's Simple Really

Walking back from chem today, I started thinking to myself about anatomy and how simple it really is, as long as you have someone making the information understandable and relatable. Nearly everything in life is simple, once you break it down. Mountains are just rocks, the ocean is kinda just a HUGE lake, college is school (of coarse). Dating is hanging out with a friend, getting to know them better. It's also like an extended interview to see if you would want to live with that person, attached in a covenant for the rest of your lives. Marriage is simply the before mentioned covenant and an extended sleep-over. Babysitting is playing house... with real live kids. "Liking" someone is the initial stage of dating, obviously. And I'm sure you can come up with more examples that are way better. Life is simple.

When life begins to get complicated is when we insert ourselves, our feelings, our desires and our pasts into the basic plan of life and the related events. As we step into a new phase of life, we often begin to over-think or under-think. We may be unable to let go of our past while others forget about their past and live the same events over and over. Sometimes we are scared of what is up ahead so we take a detour and remain in our same location. Others of us take all the leaps they can and may be better or worse for the wear. It all depends on who you are as a person. Personally speaking, I am an over-thinker, unable to let go of my past who takes the detours to remain in my present state (most of the time) all because of fear. Sometimes I do under-think, take leaps and forget my past so I relive some troubles. Do I regret this? No. No matter what, G-d brings me through the obstacles, the seasons of learning and the foolish mistakes I make. Because of these things, who I am most of the time and who I am when I try spontaneity (btw, it's not a good look on me), G-d uses it all to mold me into who He needs me to be. I am grateful that the past is behind me and that my future is ahead. I am even more thankful that G-d is in my past, He is with me now, and He will be always beside me in the future. Because of Him, my life is relatively simple... until I insert myself into the life events without taking a second glance at what He would like me to do.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful I did not fall asleep during chem today, I nearly did because I went to bed at 1 a.m. only to get up a 8 a.m. This daylight savings time deal is really handy for letting me have a quiet day at work, but when it comes to my motivation after being so sleep deprived, I'm not a fan. I am thankful for my family who called me last night. I love talking to them and it is so nice to be reminded that they are thinking of me as I think of them. Last night, I talked with my dad (because everyone else was asleep by then) and it was so good to hear his voice. I am such a daddy's girl. (The song All-American Girl by Carrie Underwood is quite similar to my life. So is Who I Am by Jessica Andrews.)

Random Sidebar: It's the strangest thing, but my guy friends keep talking about their kids and getting married. I am still at a point in my life where I cannot even comprehend the fact that I no longer live with my parents, but the guys are planning how many kids, what genders they want when, thinking about their wife during pregnancy, etc. I am just dumbfounded by their complete honesty and the level of thought they have put into their future families. I am also astounded by the fact that they would share these things with me. I have had dreams of being pregnant, but they usually come after watching my midwifery documentaries. Man, if only I had that contraction machine so I could watch them go through labor... maybe then they would not be planning to have 6 children without having talked with their future wives first. Gosh, that little rant turned weird quickly...

Major Problems, HELP!

So, y'all know my stories about guys asking me out... over texts so far. These guys always do this stuff and just plumb blindside me! Well, seeing as you guys all know me so well, I need some help. It seems as though another guys is starting to develop a crush on me. Again, it's one of my super close guy friends and I just don't know what to do. I was doing fine, I was finally content being single and I am convinced I do not want a boyfriend until I am at least a junior or senior and no marriage until I graduate. Now, out of the blue, my friend started being sweet to me. Lets just go over what happened tonight:

So he asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him. This is not unusual because we live on campus and a bunch of us often text and plan meals together, so I thought it was just going to be a normal night. Turns out, he only asked me. Then at dinner, he asked what I was doing before he came over and got me, I told him I was working on chemistry. He responded with: "I think we have some chemistry goin' on right here!" It was in a joking voice, but something seems different. Then he came over to my room and hung out for awhile, which doesn't happen often, but is not super strange.

Please tell me I am just reading too much into this. He keeps giving me hugs, which is actually really strange because he knows I hate hugs, but he says he is trying to melt my heart. Oh gosh, I can't do this! He knows my stories about the guys that have asked me out over text and asked me if he asked me out in person what I would say. I told him I didn't know and changed the subject really fast. Guys, I can't lose another friend this way. What is it that I'm doing wrong to ruin all of these friendships because they develop a crush? Maybe I need to get some medicine to stop my pheromones or something.

On the plus side, it seems like we may have a snow day tomorrow... AT COLLEGE!!! It's like a blizzard outside and I have heard forecasts of snow from 3-9 inches, but we are already at 3 inches and it is coming down so thick that I cannot hardly see lights 30-50 yards away, though they would normally be super clear.

Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that G-d has saved my heart and myself from getting too hurt and for keeping me from boyfriend relationships. I am also thankful for the snow. Snow reminds me of the way G-d washes all our sins away and starts again with a fresh slate. When the snow melts, the dirt just drains off with the water and the earth is "cleaner" than it was before with each snow storm. I am also thankful for G-d's provisions and answer to prayers, He will show me what to do. Funny how this is the biggest dilemma I am currently faced with even though I am taking A&P, chem, and psych (3 sciences) and I am trying to get into nursing school. But, Ad-nai is faithful, and so very kind and He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He is my love, He is my husband and the only one I will ever be able to fully rely on.