Out of Touch

I apologize to you all for being out of touch for so long. I am currently living with some friends in the country and I do not have access to internet until I come into town for class, which is only two nights a week.

So far, microbiology is a blast... I've only been through one class session and one lab though. Does it get tougher? My professor seems really smart and fairly, which is an excellent combination for me! I have already made friends in my class and in lab! It's crazy to think back to when I started college and my heart would race and I would get so anxious just seeing my school. Now, I am making pals in the first few minutes of being in class. Figuring out an entirely new, and very different campus, is very difficult though, let me tell you. I only got lost 4 times in the first 20 minutes of being here and I still don't know where to park. Fortunately, I had gotten to campus 3 hours before my class and wasn't late to lecture or lab.

I was talking with one of the ladies that I'm staying with though, and she asked why I didn't have a boyfriend. I explained it to her and she totally understood because her daughter has the same issue: we are focused exclusively on school right now. So, it was the first time that I had been reaffirmed-and not judged-for choosing to not be tethered to another human at this point in my life. What a breath of fresh air. Why do we even have to get married anyway? I know that it is all for reproducing, but is that the whole point of life? Surely this can't be it. It seems strange that life would simply occur just for people to get married, have children, and carry on human life. I know that we are here to give G-d glory, but I am still struggling with the purpose of everything. If we are just here to procreate, why go to school? School is only here to increase knowledge in order to give you a better chance of getting a job. You get a job to make money. You make money to support yourself and offspring (if you have them). So, what's the point of it all? Life is so simple, but in the midst of all this simplicity, everything gets so very complicated.

More to come later.

Daily Thanksgiving: I have wonderful friends to stay with. I enjoy my class and I am actually looking forward to all of the curriculum. The HESI is on Tuesday and so I am almost done stressing about getting into nursing school (for just a little bit).

Dreamin'

Do y'all ever have dreams you wish would not end because they are so fun or something you really wanted to happen? I hate those dreams because I wake up sad that they are not real life. Ok, that was harsh. I actually really like those dreams and I only have a slight dissappointment that they are not real. But for me, it is like watching a love story. You get so involved in what is happening in the movie (or the dream) and then by the time you get back to real life, it is not nearly as exciting or anything like you would have wanted. I believe that the romantic movies, books, songs and ideals that we are being bombarded with (or at least offered) are resulting in unrealistic expectations and ideas when it comes to dating and marriage. I know, this is like the 50th post I have done about this topic, but it's really frustrating to me. If I could choose, I want to go back in time to the late 1800's. At this time, modesty was a requirement for all, food was home-grown, and boys had to ask your parents before they could even court (date) you at all. In that system, the parents were able to consider the boy's parents, his history, schooling, age and so on. Then the parents of the girl used their fully developed prefrontal cortex in order to make an educated decision as to whether or not to let the girl even try to make a relationship work. I know, there were arranged marriages and not everyone was happy. But, dating was not a thing of the heart, it was thought through, discussed and considered by many viewpoints. Ideally, this method would save a lot of heartache because there is little chance for the girl or boy to date 25 people by the time they are 18.

Perhaps, I should just make myself stop dreaming... Just like I can make myself avoid chick-flicks, romance novels, country music and so forth. I could just make myself stop dreaming and day-dreaming to avoid my own mental role-playing games of what I wish would happen. Of course, this is likely impossible, so off to the drawing board I go in hopes of becoming less cynical and depressed over stuff that has not happened.

Daily Thanksgiving: I get to teach my friend how to drive stick-shift today and I have all day to clean and study! That really is a thanksgiving because I don't have school thrown in the mix. Also, HESI studying is not as bad as I thought it would be, it is just tedious and I don't take the HESI for a few more months but I am getting started early which should help me out a little.

One of Those Days

Today is just one of those weird kind of days. The simplicity theme has been running through my head, I had two anatomy tests, went to a school function (so out of the ordinary for me), and it got weirder but I don't know why it seems weird. My tests were so hard! I was not expecting these types of tests. My teacher is changing it up from what he had been doing all year long, until now, and I think I may have bombed it. My lab anatomy test was not so bad, but I did not know the material enough for the test despite the 6-8 hours I spent studying with my friend and talking through everything. Oh this class may just kill my nursing college career before I even get into the program! The school function was like a Ms. United States or something, but just for our school. I went to support my friend who, unfortunately, got let go after the first round. My friends were saying it was because there were really strong sorority ties with most of the contestants and she is not in a sorority, but I am not sure.

Do you ever have those days were everything just seems a little off? Do you ever have those days were you are like: "Golly, I look so adorable today!"? Or do you have the days where it's a wonder people look at you in the face at all? Well, it is one of the "I can't believe I have friends with the way I dress and look" kind of days for me. It's a wonder guys ever even look at me as more than a friend because I never wear make-up, dress cute, or do anything that typical girls do to get attention from guys. I'm not even looking for guys' attention. Really, I'm not.

That brings me to my next though... Everyone seems to be pairing up. What's up with that? For some reason it seems that by the time the snow stops and spring is around the corner couples start popping up all over the place. A few of my friends have crushes on others and do not plan on telling their crush about it until summer which is very wise and I appreciate them keeping the group drama free for awhile longer. But more of my friends are in budding relationships and I had no idea when they began because they just sprout up over night and I get sooooooooo confused. What is it about spring? This situation is not good for my cynicism at all. It is coming back in full swing like cancer eating away at my life. That may have seemed dramatic, but it doesn't even fully describe the craziness going on in my head and heart right now.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that two of my tests are done. I had a great day, weird, but good. I got to spend a lot of time with my friends and even though my friends did not win the contest, we still had a lot of group bonding over preparation for the competition. Most of all, I am glad this day is done and the L-rd has preserved me for another day. He keeps me safe and steady in the palm of His hand.

It's Simple Really

Walking back from chem today, I started thinking to myself about anatomy and how simple it really is, as long as you have someone making the information understandable and relatable. Nearly everything in life is simple, once you break it down. Mountains are just rocks, the ocean is kinda just a HUGE lake, college is school (of coarse). Dating is hanging out with a friend, getting to know them better. It's also like an extended interview to see if you would want to live with that person, attached in a covenant for the rest of your lives. Marriage is simply the before mentioned covenant and an extended sleep-over. Babysitting is playing house... with real live kids. "Liking" someone is the initial stage of dating, obviously. And I'm sure you can come up with more examples that are way better. Life is simple.

When life begins to get complicated is when we insert ourselves, our feelings, our desires and our pasts into the basic plan of life and the related events. As we step into a new phase of life, we often begin to over-think or under-think. We may be unable to let go of our past while others forget about their past and live the same events over and over. Sometimes we are scared of what is up ahead so we take a detour and remain in our same location. Others of us take all the leaps they can and may be better or worse for the wear. It all depends on who you are as a person. Personally speaking, I am an over-thinker, unable to let go of my past who takes the detours to remain in my present state (most of the time) all because of fear. Sometimes I do under-think, take leaps and forget my past so I relive some troubles. Do I regret this? No. No matter what, G-d brings me through the obstacles, the seasons of learning and the foolish mistakes I make. Because of these things, who I am most of the time and who I am when I try spontaneity (btw, it's not a good look on me), G-d uses it all to mold me into who He needs me to be. I am grateful that the past is behind me and that my future is ahead. I am even more thankful that G-d is in my past, He is with me now, and He will be always beside me in the future. Because of Him, my life is relatively simple... until I insert myself into the life events without taking a second glance at what He would like me to do.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful I did not fall asleep during chem today, I nearly did because I went to bed at 1 a.m. only to get up a 8 a.m. This daylight savings time deal is really handy for letting me have a quiet day at work, but when it comes to my motivation after being so sleep deprived, I'm not a fan. I am thankful for my family who called me last night. I love talking to them and it is so nice to be reminded that they are thinking of me as I think of them. Last night, I talked with my dad (because everyone else was asleep by then) and it was so good to hear his voice. I am such a daddy's girl. (The song All-American Girl by Carrie Underwood is quite similar to my life. So is Who I Am by Jessica Andrews.)

Random Sidebar: It's the strangest thing, but my guy friends keep talking about their kids and getting married. I am still at a point in my life where I cannot even comprehend the fact that I no longer live with my parents, but the guys are planning how many kids, what genders they want when, thinking about their wife during pregnancy, etc. I am just dumbfounded by their complete honesty and the level of thought they have put into their future families. I am also astounded by the fact that they would share these things with me. I have had dreams of being pregnant, but they usually come after watching my midwifery documentaries. Man, if only I had that contraction machine so I could watch them go through labor... maybe then they would not be planning to have 6 children without having talked with their future wives first. Gosh, that little rant turned weird quickly...