A lot of people start the new year saying this. It's usually bullshit. The new changes (like exercising more, taking people for granted less, etc, etc) typically don't last long. There will be a couple weeks of solid effort because the person goes back to their normal habits. That's okay. We're all here and we are who we are. So, it's good to start new years off with good intentions, even if those good intentions don't last until February or whatever your second month of the year happens to be.
Since the beginning of this year, I have been fighting to remain alone. EXfiance keeps texting and calling (only calls occasionally) asking me how "we" can "fix" us. I tell him time and time again that "we" do not get to get "fixed" anymore. I tried fixing us when we were still a thing and he didn't think that was important because he didn't think I would actually walk away. Well, buddy, too bad for you that I'm stronger than you thought I was.
He told me he's gonna go get counseling because I've been pestering him about getting counseling for a long time now. We'll see if he actually goes consistently, or if this is another lie. Regardless, I'm not getting back together with him. I'm sick of getting dragged through mud, tar, broken glass, gravel, and a whole host of bacteria just to be left on the side of the road naked and mostly dead (metaphorically).
My job ended on Christmas. My relationship ended a couple days before that. 2016 was a year to start clean. I'm not doing typical New Year's resolutions, I'm just working to help myself right now.
I started exercising with Bikini Body Mommy again, but only lasted two days.
I have gained 10-15 lbs since the break-up.
However, on a very positive note, I got an appointment to start counseling again. This time I am going through an organization that specializes in domestic abuse (I don't think this applies to me) and rape (this part does apply to me). I talked with my counselor today and she told me the first day involves paperwork for about 30 minutes and then we go right into a session. I'm hoping it doesn't take three sessions of babbling to get me to a point where we are actually working on anything.
I find myself wishing the L-rd would punish these guys for what they did. Damn, if that means it was my fault then punish me. But if it wasn't me, then I want them to understand that what they did was wrong. I don't believe in karma or in seeking revenge. The Bible, however, says that G-d deals justly and gives good to those who are good and bad to those who are bad. I've gotten a lot of bad being with the not-so-good guys in my life. Things are starting to get better but it's taking a lot of time.
Mostly, I want to know that not pressing charges was an okay thing to do. I need to know that if I happened to get up in front of a jury and they heard my side and the guys' sides, that the jury would let me know that it wasn't my fault. I also want apologies.
I want them, the guys, to tell me that they're sorry for what happened. Not sorry that I broke up with them or got mad. No, sorry that I have to deal with the nightmares, panic attacks, pieces of my family that they left behind, the knowledge that I will never get to go to my marriage bed pure. Most of all, I want them to understand how hard it is to live with the fact that these fuckers couldn't keep their dicks to themselves and caused this much damage to the point where I don't want to live anymore. I want them to understand that. It's not just an "oops my penis entered your body, my bad" kind of a situation. This is a, "you couldn't control yourself or see past your own desires at one point in time and now I want to die" kind of a situation. I want them to understand that what may seem like a little mistake to them is something that causes so much pain in others. I bear the brunt of it, but now my mom, brother, and a few friends have to share in the knowledge that a very sweet girl was stupid enough to have this done to her twice.
I know that multiple rapes are not very scarce. I am not saying other girls are stupid for getting raped twice. I'm saying that I feel stupid for allowing it to happen twice to me because I could have prevented it.
I want to know that the L-rd has better things in store and that He says that I'm clean. I want my memories of these two guys erased and the pain to be no more. I want to not have to live this life anymore.
I'm so very tired.
If you guys remember, I met Exboyfriend last year on New Year's Day right around 2 a.m. at a New Year's Eve dance. Funny to think that so much shit has happened to one person in a year. Other people go through more, but it's just something I watch from the sidelines. It's something else entirely to go through this personally.
So, for all of you starting new years out there, I know I'm a little late but I hope you guys have a good 2016. I pray that you guys have healthy years, full of love and laughter. I want you guys to find joy in your every day life and have some fun with those you love. Make time for friends and family. If you don't feel good, take a few days to rest and get yourself better. Keep up on you so that the rest of us can enjoy time with you when you're feeling better. Many of you have struggled with health issues, personal problems, and a whole host of troubles this last year; I'm right there with you. Don't think I don't remember you guys and your sufferings too (if you told them to me or wrote them in your blogs), I'm just reliving my troubles again. Sorry about that.
Blessings guys.
Friday, January 15, 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Life Lessons Learned
I was reading my devotions and praying the other night, when the L-rd gave me an epiphany: closed doors, missed chances, failed relationships, opportunities that go awry, and all the other things that don't go our way in life are actually the L-rd guiding us. Through these things, He also shows us how bad a situation could be so that we learn from that, then He typically gives us what He had planned for us all along. By letting us see the bad before giving us good, He lets us understand why we need to be grateful for all that happens to us.
Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my brother until I had finished 4th grade and he had finished 3rd in a very small, 2-bedroom apartment. My mom used to pray with us on the way to school each day and ask the L-rd that He would keep our family from becoming complacent and taking our blessings for granted. We lived in an apartment while both of my parents worked several jobs so that they could send us to a Christian school and pay our tuition. We ended up moving into a house where my brother and I got our own rooms and then we had to go to a public school. That made me appreciate the house much more and being blessed to be able to go to a Christian school for several years. Thank you L-rd for these things!
At the beginning of this last summer, my old roommate told me she didn't want to live with me, but gave me no explanation and didn't talk to me while I was in another state with Mema. So, I scrambled, looking for an apartment on short notice. I was used to paying about $700-$750 a month for my rent and bills. I texted my current roommate and she offered to let me live with her and she told me she was freaking out about finding someone but that I texted and asked about it at the exact perfect time. After praying about wanting to pay about $500, she asked how much I was willing to pay. I told her about $700 was typical for me so I could do the $700. She came back and said she could only afford $500 and her parents were okay with both of us paying that little while they picked up the rest of the bills! Oh my gosh! So, even though I had a huge falling out with ex-roommate and her family, the L-rd blessed me and showed me that they are not company that I should have been keeping anyway. This falling out happened just after I broke up with EXboyfriend because he had raped me... so it's way better this way. That is only visible in hindsight though, I was devastated at the time!
I had a NICU job opportunity as a CNA awhile ago and my initial plans didn't match up with their needs so they passed on me, but then my plans changed to something that would have totally worked out for them. However, it was too late by that point. Shortly after that, I got my job as a CNA in the float pool. G-d allowed me to see real-life what we were learning about in class each time I went to work and allowed me to get better grades and a better understanding by these hands-on experiences. I also got to meet so many nurses on each floor and I feel like the most popular person when I show up to work because I have so many people stopping me and saying high to me at school, clinicals, and at work because of this job. I love it!
My relationships ending have shown me that I am worth much more than what I typically settle for with people. I pray that the L-rd has someone for me who is sweet, patient, forgiving, able to be a voice of reason for me, and able to handle my many hypomanic and depressive cycles... That's the true test. He needs to be accepted by my family and friends and not push my boundaries like every guy has tried to before.
Here's to hoping for and expecting the L-rd to work absolutely incredible miracles in my life after I ran myself deep into the ground with too many mistakes to count and too much brokenness to measure. Here's to thanking the L-rd for Divine Interventions in my life, even when things seem to be going well, because He can see past people's fake facades and their attempts at manipulating me. Praise the L-rd for keeping me!
What are you grateful for? What things in your life have not ended up how you wanted/expected, only for the L-rd to show you something so much better? What are you asking Him for today? More importantly, what are you thanking Him for?
Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my brother until I had finished 4th grade and he had finished 3rd in a very small, 2-bedroom apartment. My mom used to pray with us on the way to school each day and ask the L-rd that He would keep our family from becoming complacent and taking our blessings for granted. We lived in an apartment while both of my parents worked several jobs so that they could send us to a Christian school and pay our tuition. We ended up moving into a house where my brother and I got our own rooms and then we had to go to a public school. That made me appreciate the house much more and being blessed to be able to go to a Christian school for several years. Thank you L-rd for these things!
At the beginning of this last summer, my old roommate told me she didn't want to live with me, but gave me no explanation and didn't talk to me while I was in another state with Mema. So, I scrambled, looking for an apartment on short notice. I was used to paying about $700-$750 a month for my rent and bills. I texted my current roommate and she offered to let me live with her and she told me she was freaking out about finding someone but that I texted and asked about it at the exact perfect time. After praying about wanting to pay about $500, she asked how much I was willing to pay. I told her about $700 was typical for me so I could do the $700. She came back and said she could only afford $500 and her parents were okay with both of us paying that little while they picked up the rest of the bills! Oh my gosh! So, even though I had a huge falling out with ex-roommate and her family, the L-rd blessed me and showed me that they are not company that I should have been keeping anyway. This falling out happened just after I broke up with EXboyfriend because he had raped me... so it's way better this way. That is only visible in hindsight though, I was devastated at the time!
I had a NICU job opportunity as a CNA awhile ago and my initial plans didn't match up with their needs so they passed on me, but then my plans changed to something that would have totally worked out for them. However, it was too late by that point. Shortly after that, I got my job as a CNA in the float pool. G-d allowed me to see real-life what we were learning about in class each time I went to work and allowed me to get better grades and a better understanding by these hands-on experiences. I also got to meet so many nurses on each floor and I feel like the most popular person when I show up to work because I have so many people stopping me and saying high to me at school, clinicals, and at work because of this job. I love it!
My relationships ending have shown me that I am worth much more than what I typically settle for with people. I pray that the L-rd has someone for me who is sweet, patient, forgiving, able to be a voice of reason for me, and able to handle my many hypomanic and depressive cycles... That's the true test. He needs to be accepted by my family and friends and not push my boundaries like every guy has tried to before.
Here's to hoping for and expecting the L-rd to work absolutely incredible miracles in my life after I ran myself deep into the ground with too many mistakes to count and too much brokenness to measure. Here's to thanking the L-rd for Divine Interventions in my life, even when things seem to be going well, because He can see past people's fake facades and their attempts at manipulating me. Praise the L-rd for keeping me!
What are you grateful for? What things in your life have not ended up how you wanted/expected, only for the L-rd to show you something so much better? What are you asking Him for today? More importantly, what are you thanking Him for?
Worst Part About Break-ups
Seeing as this is the second official break-up I've had from a guy, kinda my third (if you count the kid I "dated" for three weeks by avoiding him the entire time). However, the worst parts about a break-up for me are 1) missing the guy's family, 2) having so much left unsaid and so many questions unanswered, 3) missing the guy's company, and 4) being angry about what they did/didn't do. Now, they are all fairly equal in my brain, but I go through cycles where each one seems more prominent at any given time.
1) I miss their families terribly. Trial-run's mom loved me. Country Boy's mom (even though we didn't date) loved me. Exboyfriend's whole entire immediate and extended family loved me. Exfiance's mom absolutely adored me and even took me shopping. Unfortunately for me, I loved all of these people too! Breaking up with the guy automatically breaks me off from being loved by their families, but I almost miss their families more than I miss the guy because I felt so wanted and accepted into another person's life. Their families thought I was good for the guys and their families typically hadn't liked other girls they had brought home and so they were somehow surprised that they liked me when I was brought around. I miss that and the relationships I had developed with the family members. I loved that when the guy and I were fake arguing in front of them, the family members usually took my side. Haha, they were all jokes, but some of the fake arguments had roots in discussions where I had supported my side and the guy didn't understand until his family took my side.
2) This is the worst. Since Country Boy died, I obviously have so much left unsaid to him.
When I broke up with Exboyfriend, I only told him that what he did was not okay. I wish I could have told him that what he did was rape and that he absolutely needs to not do that to anyone else. I wish I could let him know how badly I'm messed up because of that, but I don't want to mess him up or make him feel guilty. I'm scared that could lead to another suicide like Country Boy.
With Exfiance, I have been terrible. I have been yelling at him over text and questioning everything. He told me the other day that he was sick and tired of me questioning what he's told me. I apologized for taking my anger out on him and being a bitch. It's not like I was harassing him, but he would text me and that would always end up with me picking a fight because I'm ridiculously angry at him for lying to me and hurting me for so long. I'm mad at myself for believing and defending him.
The other night, when I was up at 0200 the night before my class because I can't sleep lately, I wrote a text and decided not to send it because I didn't want to hurt him more than I have. I don't believe in revenge or hurting people just because they hurt me. However, since I couldn't tell him, I figured I would put it here so that I get it out. So, here it is: "I hate that I no longer get to be around your mom or your family in *other state* because I absolutely loved them. I hate that I have to get over the fact that the future I built in my head with you was all bullshit and will never happen. It makes me angry that I can't stop myself from wanting to talk to you, even though our relationship was based on lies and it wasn't ever really a healthy relationship by an means. I hate that my siled treatment doesn't last more than a few hours or a day with you. I hate that I haven't been able to sleep in days, even though I need to so that I can maybe escapre the constant noise and self-doubt in my head. I'm so angry at you and I hate that you made me cry. But, sometimes I hate that I can't cry because I'm out of tears and my heart moved on a long time ago. I hate that I'm so angry and that as soon as I had started feeling better from him (exboyfriend) and started trusting you, you found me and now I'm even worse than I was before. I hate yelling at you but I feel like I need to tell you these things. I hate having flashbacks of you, and him (exbf), and Country Boy every single stupid day. Several times an hour, in fact. I hate that I feel like there's nothing else for me to live for because I am completely convinced that I will never be happy, or be able to escape what has happened, for the rest of my life."
I know, I sound like such a bitch! That's why I didn't send it. This would have caused so much pain and damage to him. So, I never sent the text and I never will.
3) I miss their company. I miss all of them. Country Boy died way too early and he made me angry, but that was not reason for him to take his life and I still feel like it was at least partially my fault that he killed himself. Trial-run guy was my best friend for most of freshman year and a good chunk of sophomore year, but we don't talk much anymore and I miss his friendship and the way he would laugh at what I thought was funny, even if they were icky nursing stories or stiff he didn't understand. I miss exboyfriend for his calm demeanor and the way he showed me off to his friends and he was so proud to dance with me. I also miss the small-town life I got with him. I miss exfiance for the way we texted and called each other frequently. I would tell all of them about my day and what I was excited or upset about. I miss that sharing and having someone to talk to. I miss looking forward to hanging out with any of them and feeling special when we had a date planned. If only the best of each of them could be synthesized into one guy, I think we could work. That's unrealistic though.
4) Despite the good, I'm still angry with each of them. I'm angry with them for expecting sex from me. I hate that it was so easy for them to push me aside when they didn't "feel" like being with me or they found something more fun to do on a day we had plans. I'm angry at Country Boy for killing himself. I'm angry at my actual two boyfriends for abusing and assaulting me. I hate that they all made me love them for different reasons and then pushed me away slowly but surely and then they blame me for the break up.
I hate that I miss them. I strongly dislike that this is my history and the life I have to deal with. I hate that regardless of what happens in this life, I know that someone else has it worse. That makes me feel shallow, insignificant, and weak. I despise feeling that I'm not good enough. It breaks my heart daily that I still love all of them, even though I have been terribly hurt. I don't understand why I remain alive and keep waking up each morning. Why are break-ups so incredibly difficult? Why is this the path I walk? I'm terrified that I am the one to blame for all of my problems.
Still, I know the L-rd provides and cares for me.
This is the biggest mystery to me of all.
1) I miss their families terribly. Trial-run's mom loved me. Country Boy's mom (even though we didn't date) loved me. Exboyfriend's whole entire immediate and extended family loved me. Exfiance's mom absolutely adored me and even took me shopping. Unfortunately for me, I loved all of these people too! Breaking up with the guy automatically breaks me off from being loved by their families, but I almost miss their families more than I miss the guy because I felt so wanted and accepted into another person's life. Their families thought I was good for the guys and their families typically hadn't liked other girls they had brought home and so they were somehow surprised that they liked me when I was brought around. I miss that and the relationships I had developed with the family members. I loved that when the guy and I were fake arguing in front of them, the family members usually took my side. Haha, they were all jokes, but some of the fake arguments had roots in discussions where I had supported my side and the guy didn't understand until his family took my side.
2) This is the worst. Since Country Boy died, I obviously have so much left unsaid to him.
When I broke up with Exboyfriend, I only told him that what he did was not okay. I wish I could have told him that what he did was rape and that he absolutely needs to not do that to anyone else. I wish I could let him know how badly I'm messed up because of that, but I don't want to mess him up or make him feel guilty. I'm scared that could lead to another suicide like Country Boy.
With Exfiance, I have been terrible. I have been yelling at him over text and questioning everything. He told me the other day that he was sick and tired of me questioning what he's told me. I apologized for taking my anger out on him and being a bitch. It's not like I was harassing him, but he would text me and that would always end up with me picking a fight because I'm ridiculously angry at him for lying to me and hurting me for so long. I'm mad at myself for believing and defending him.
The other night, when I was up at 0200 the night before my class because I can't sleep lately, I wrote a text and decided not to send it because I didn't want to hurt him more than I have. I don't believe in revenge or hurting people just because they hurt me. However, since I couldn't tell him, I figured I would put it here so that I get it out. So, here it is: "I hate that I no longer get to be around your mom or your family in *other state* because I absolutely loved them. I hate that I have to get over the fact that the future I built in my head with you was all bullshit and will never happen. It makes me angry that I can't stop myself from wanting to talk to you, even though our relationship was based on lies and it wasn't ever really a healthy relationship by an means. I hate that my siled treatment doesn't last more than a few hours or a day with you. I hate that I haven't been able to sleep in days, even though I need to so that I can maybe escapre the constant noise and self-doubt in my head. I'm so angry at you and I hate that you made me cry. But, sometimes I hate that I can't cry because I'm out of tears and my heart moved on a long time ago. I hate that I'm so angry and that as soon as I had started feeling better from him (exboyfriend) and started trusting you, you found me and now I'm even worse than I was before. I hate yelling at you but I feel like I need to tell you these things. I hate having flashbacks of you, and him (exbf), and Country Boy every single stupid day. Several times an hour, in fact. I hate that I feel like there's nothing else for me to live for because I am completely convinced that I will never be happy, or be able to escape what has happened, for the rest of my life."
I know, I sound like such a bitch! That's why I didn't send it. This would have caused so much pain and damage to him. So, I never sent the text and I never will.
3) I miss their company. I miss all of them. Country Boy died way too early and he made me angry, but that was not reason for him to take his life and I still feel like it was at least partially my fault that he killed himself. Trial-run guy was my best friend for most of freshman year and a good chunk of sophomore year, but we don't talk much anymore and I miss his friendship and the way he would laugh at what I thought was funny, even if they were icky nursing stories or stiff he didn't understand. I miss exboyfriend for his calm demeanor and the way he showed me off to his friends and he was so proud to dance with me. I also miss the small-town life I got with him. I miss exfiance for the way we texted and called each other frequently. I would tell all of them about my day and what I was excited or upset about. I miss that sharing and having someone to talk to. I miss looking forward to hanging out with any of them and feeling special when we had a date planned. If only the best of each of them could be synthesized into one guy, I think we could work. That's unrealistic though.
4) Despite the good, I'm still angry with each of them. I'm angry with them for expecting sex from me. I hate that it was so easy for them to push me aside when they didn't "feel" like being with me or they found something more fun to do on a day we had plans. I'm angry at Country Boy for killing himself. I'm angry at my actual two boyfriends for abusing and assaulting me. I hate that they all made me love them for different reasons and then pushed me away slowly but surely and then they blame me for the break up.
I hate that I miss them. I strongly dislike that this is my history and the life I have to deal with. I hate that regardless of what happens in this life, I know that someone else has it worse. That makes me feel shallow, insignificant, and weak. I despise feeling that I'm not good enough. It breaks my heart daily that I still love all of them, even though I have been terribly hurt. I don't understand why I remain alive and keep waking up each morning. Why are break-ups so incredibly difficult? Why is this the path I walk? I'm terrified that I am the one to blame for all of my problems.
Still, I know the L-rd provides and cares for me.
This is the biggest mystery to me of all.
Monday, January 4, 2016
I'm Over It, So It's Over
*****Warning: improper language and graphic stories follow. Proceed with caution!*****
I broke up with fiance... again.
Yes, we did just get "engaged" for the third(?) time, and he just had a birthday. However, when you are over it, you are over it. I, if you haven't guessed, am over it. But wait! It gets better.
For months now I have been probing fiance about different subjects. Some stuff he will give straight answers to, some he will not. In fact, most of his past remains in the dark for me because he won't talk to me about it. He says it brings back bad memories. Well, no shit. For a lot of people, the past brings up bad memories, but the fact that you told me your wife died on date #2 and you refuse more and more to talk about her anymore is worrisome. Plus, I think you're lying about her being dead. I think you just had a tough break up and that was it. I don't believe she is actually dead because your story keeps changing and I found a girl on Facebook with her same fucking name and she is still posting as of New Year's Eve, but she was supposed to have died in 2013. Ya, okay buddy.
I broke up with him the day after his real birthday and a few days after his birthday dinner/public proposal (a.k.a. proposal #3). This also happened to be the day before Exboyfriend's birthday and a few days before Christmas. So, he was having a shitty Christmas week.
Despite having broken up with him then, we talked nearly every day through texting and also calls to each other each night or every other night. I didn't want this, but he keeps going on an on about how he can't live without me. Bullshit.
He ended up spending New Year's Eve with me, then New Year's Day and the night after. 2 nights and about 2.5 days together. We were doing well. He took me out to eat and he actually talked to me instead of being on his phone like he normally had been while we had been dating. He was being sweeter. But as New Year's Eve night went on, he went from not kissing me (as I had requested) and keeping his hands to designated "safe" areas on my body, to kissing me whenever the hell he felt like it and allowing his hands to wander again. In mere fucking hours people!
He keeps telling me he's changed and that he's trying to keep me happy, but it's all bullshit. There's no frickin' way he's actually changing because he reverts back to not respecting me nor my body within minutes of seeing me in person. He tells me it's just because I turn him on and then he's not responsible for his actions. So what? I'm supposed to live with being continually raped and assaulted for the rest of my fucking life? HELL NO! I will not be treated that way.
While he was over, he told me we "had sex 14 times". Funny thing is, I don't recall consenting to those. A few of the times he coerced me and yelled at me until I gave in. The rest of the times he took off my pants, even though I told him no repeatedly, then he played with himself and played with me and then he would get on top saying he wouldn't go in. Then he would proceed to invade me body because he "couldn't control himself". Alright fucker, maybe I can't control my fingers calling the fucking police and getting you arrested. Oops, wouldn't that be a shame?
I've tried to break up with him 4 times now. The first time he yelled at me and asked if that was really what I wanted, especially after he had just handed over $9000 for an engagement ring. The second time was when I asked for a break and he said that means breaking up but then we agreed to not speak for about a month or two and then he broke that within about 6 hours. The next time, we broke up, we still talked and he went out drinking three nights in a row. Typically driving to my place to "talk" after he was black out drunk and definitely not in a safe mental capacity to be driving. Then we got back together on day 3-4 with him promising to be better and work on us. This time, I'm fucking over it.
You know what he told me yesterday? The first ring was fake. I had called him out on it the first time I tried to break up with him. I told him it had CZ stamped on the inside (for cubic zirconium, which is a fake diamond). He told me that the guy at the jewelry store must have lied to him then because he had paid $9000. I asked where he got it from and he told me a jewelry store downtown next to 7-11 (gas station). Curious, I called around asking if anyone had sold to fiance. None of them had. Red flag! However, I ignored it and didn't press the matter further with fiance so as to not piss him off. That ring was then stolen when he was up at work, but he didn't seem too upset about it. He had it in his truck because he was going to get it resized, so he said. He had had my ring for about 4-5 months though, saying the whole time he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Whatever.
When he proposed at his birthday dinner, however, it was with a different ring. This time, he made a point to keep it in a box with the name of the jewelry store's name on it and showed me the online ad for it. Yesterday, after I asked him what the real deal with the different rings were, he finally told me the truth. Apparently he wanted to marry me right away because he supposedly loved me so much then. However, he found a ring for $9000 and couldn't afford it right then. So, he went to fucking Walmart and bought a $200 fake ring in hopes that he could trade it out for a real one once he got the money to afford the one he wanted to get me. He said I "deserve the biggest rock in the world but he didn't have the money at the time and he didn't think I would notice." Well asshole, date someone dumber than me then! Unfortunately for you, I am significantly smarter than I look and I pay attention to details.
I yelled at him for nearly 20 minutes last night telling him that he should have been honest about everything upfront, he should have saved money to buy me a decent ring instead of half-assing it and getting me a fake one while he throws thousands down to buy himself a new truck and all the trimmings to make it look cool. I also yelled at him for manipulating me with that fake fucking ring telling me it cost thousands of dollars when it absolutely didn't, then he brought that up when we fought after the first break-up attempt. He manipulated me the entire 8 months and I'm letting him have it now. I'm no longer holding back because I have been shaken and devastated by the way he just walked all over me, ruined me, took advantage of me and used my body however he wanted to. I'm angry that I didn't have the strength to walk away the first time I wanted to because then it would have only been a couple of time of abuse/assault/rape instead of now 14 or more times.
Wow, I'm such an idiot. I knew that something as wrong, but I was bound and determined to give him a chance and try to make it work because I believed the best in him. All that did for me is run me into the ground, get me taken advantage of so many times I can't recall the last 8 months because I have blocked them from memory, and it ruined my plans of any kind of a happy life. Because of him and Exboyfriend, I have no desire to date, get married, or have children because nothing good has ever come from dating for me. Plus, I have seen nothing good come out of marriage in any of the relationships I am around.
I have a theory that the assholes (male or female) of the world have detectors and find the decent, or even wonderful, people of the world and they decide to take over the good people and enslave them in marriage. This burns out many of the good people and make the assholes look and feel like there is little to nothing wrong with them because they found love so they must be a catch. Now, is this true for everyone? Not likely. Am I jaded and cynical and ridiculously pissed off? Absolutely. Right now, life is the hardest it's been for me probably ever.
I had dreams of finding a guy, dating without kissing. Getting married and going into my marriage as a virgin. I had dreams of having children. Being a nurse while also raising children at home. Then proceeding on to a very happy life. All of my plans were destroyed in an instant. Exboyfriend and Exfiance both got kisses from me. Both attempted to steal my virginity and I think they have. I do not want to get married. I definitely don't want children because I'm terrified that what happened to me will happen to them. I see no happiness in the foreseeable future for me. Yes, G-d knows what will happen in my life, but if I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want someone who was so stupid as to fall into getting raped by two guys. Not only that, the first guy raped me twice in a weekend because I was too dumb to leave when I had originally wanted to. Then the second guy raped me too many times to count and I just stayed with him hoping that he actually loved me and we would eventually work it out. I am a complete fucking moron and should not be desired by anyone. I have been ruined and crushed beyond human repair. If the L-rd repairs me, it's going to damn near require an entirely new inner me, a whole new body, and a complete memory wipe.
I'm so over it. I have never been so angry at myself or anyone else in my life. I told him to stop talking to me for at least a month, but I'm fixing to block his number and block him on Facebook so that he won't be able to reach me ever again. If I need to, I'm about ready to get a fucking restraining order if I ever see him show up at my house.
Best thing yet, I have dealt with all of these things on my own for months because my friends and family have been pushed away by him and I was too stupid to see that. So, now I'm completely on my own and so very angry.
In the midst of my anger last night, about 20 minutes after fiance confessed about the stupid ring lies he told me, I heard a whisper in my heart to forgive. I got a few moments of peace after that, but I couldn't sleep last night and my anger has returned fresh this morning and stuck around me all day. I don't know how I'll survive this.
I broke up with fiance... again.
Yes, we did just get "engaged" for the third(?) time, and he just had a birthday. However, when you are over it, you are over it. I, if you haven't guessed, am over it. But wait! It gets better.
For months now I have been probing fiance about different subjects. Some stuff he will give straight answers to, some he will not. In fact, most of his past remains in the dark for me because he won't talk to me about it. He says it brings back bad memories. Well, no shit. For a lot of people, the past brings up bad memories, but the fact that you told me your wife died on date #2 and you refuse more and more to talk about her anymore is worrisome. Plus, I think you're lying about her being dead. I think you just had a tough break up and that was it. I don't believe she is actually dead because your story keeps changing and I found a girl on Facebook with her same fucking name and she is still posting as of New Year's Eve, but she was supposed to have died in 2013. Ya, okay buddy.
I broke up with him the day after his real birthday and a few days after his birthday dinner/public proposal (a.k.a. proposal #3). This also happened to be the day before Exboyfriend's birthday and a few days before Christmas. So, he was having a shitty Christmas week.
Despite having broken up with him then, we talked nearly every day through texting and also calls to each other each night or every other night. I didn't want this, but he keeps going on an on about how he can't live without me. Bullshit.
He ended up spending New Year's Eve with me, then New Year's Day and the night after. 2 nights and about 2.5 days together. We were doing well. He took me out to eat and he actually talked to me instead of being on his phone like he normally had been while we had been dating. He was being sweeter. But as New Year's Eve night went on, he went from not kissing me (as I had requested) and keeping his hands to designated "safe" areas on my body, to kissing me whenever the hell he felt like it and allowing his hands to wander again. In mere fucking hours people!
He keeps telling me he's changed and that he's trying to keep me happy, but it's all bullshit. There's no frickin' way he's actually changing because he reverts back to not respecting me nor my body within minutes of seeing me in person. He tells me it's just because I turn him on and then he's not responsible for his actions. So what? I'm supposed to live with being continually raped and assaulted for the rest of my fucking life? HELL NO! I will not be treated that way.
While he was over, he told me we "had sex 14 times". Funny thing is, I don't recall consenting to those. A few of the times he coerced me and yelled at me until I gave in. The rest of the times he took off my pants, even though I told him no repeatedly, then he played with himself and played with me and then he would get on top saying he wouldn't go in. Then he would proceed to invade me body because he "couldn't control himself". Alright fucker, maybe I can't control my fingers calling the fucking police and getting you arrested. Oops, wouldn't that be a shame?
I've tried to break up with him 4 times now. The first time he yelled at me and asked if that was really what I wanted, especially after he had just handed over $9000 for an engagement ring. The second time was when I asked for a break and he said that means breaking up but then we agreed to not speak for about a month or two and then he broke that within about 6 hours. The next time, we broke up, we still talked and he went out drinking three nights in a row. Typically driving to my place to "talk" after he was black out drunk and definitely not in a safe mental capacity to be driving. Then we got back together on day 3-4 with him promising to be better and work on us. This time, I'm fucking over it.
You know what he told me yesterday? The first ring was fake. I had called him out on it the first time I tried to break up with him. I told him it had CZ stamped on the inside (for cubic zirconium, which is a fake diamond). He told me that the guy at the jewelry store must have lied to him then because he had paid $9000. I asked where he got it from and he told me a jewelry store downtown next to 7-11 (gas station). Curious, I called around asking if anyone had sold to fiance. None of them had. Red flag! However, I ignored it and didn't press the matter further with fiance so as to not piss him off. That ring was then stolen when he was up at work, but he didn't seem too upset about it. He had it in his truck because he was going to get it resized, so he said. He had had my ring for about 4-5 months though, saying the whole time he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Whatever.
When he proposed at his birthday dinner, however, it was with a different ring. This time, he made a point to keep it in a box with the name of the jewelry store's name on it and showed me the online ad for it. Yesterday, after I asked him what the real deal with the different rings were, he finally told me the truth. Apparently he wanted to marry me right away because he supposedly loved me so much then. However, he found a ring for $9000 and couldn't afford it right then. So, he went to fucking Walmart and bought a $200 fake ring in hopes that he could trade it out for a real one once he got the money to afford the one he wanted to get me. He said I "deserve the biggest rock in the world but he didn't have the money at the time and he didn't think I would notice." Well asshole, date someone dumber than me then! Unfortunately for you, I am significantly smarter than I look and I pay attention to details.
I yelled at him for nearly 20 minutes last night telling him that he should have been honest about everything upfront, he should have saved money to buy me a decent ring instead of half-assing it and getting me a fake one while he throws thousands down to buy himself a new truck and all the trimmings to make it look cool. I also yelled at him for manipulating me with that fake fucking ring telling me it cost thousands of dollars when it absolutely didn't, then he brought that up when we fought after the first break-up attempt. He manipulated me the entire 8 months and I'm letting him have it now. I'm no longer holding back because I have been shaken and devastated by the way he just walked all over me, ruined me, took advantage of me and used my body however he wanted to. I'm angry that I didn't have the strength to walk away the first time I wanted to because then it would have only been a couple of time of abuse/assault/rape instead of now 14 or more times.
Wow, I'm such an idiot. I knew that something as wrong, but I was bound and determined to give him a chance and try to make it work because I believed the best in him. All that did for me is run me into the ground, get me taken advantage of so many times I can't recall the last 8 months because I have blocked them from memory, and it ruined my plans of any kind of a happy life. Because of him and Exboyfriend, I have no desire to date, get married, or have children because nothing good has ever come from dating for me. Plus, I have seen nothing good come out of marriage in any of the relationships I am around.
I have a theory that the assholes (male or female) of the world have detectors and find the decent, or even wonderful, people of the world and they decide to take over the good people and enslave them in marriage. This burns out many of the good people and make the assholes look and feel like there is little to nothing wrong with them because they found love so they must be a catch. Now, is this true for everyone? Not likely. Am I jaded and cynical and ridiculously pissed off? Absolutely. Right now, life is the hardest it's been for me probably ever.
I had dreams of finding a guy, dating without kissing. Getting married and going into my marriage as a virgin. I had dreams of having children. Being a nurse while also raising children at home. Then proceeding on to a very happy life. All of my plans were destroyed in an instant. Exboyfriend and Exfiance both got kisses from me. Both attempted to steal my virginity and I think they have. I do not want to get married. I definitely don't want children because I'm terrified that what happened to me will happen to them. I see no happiness in the foreseeable future for me. Yes, G-d knows what will happen in my life, but if I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want someone who was so stupid as to fall into getting raped by two guys. Not only that, the first guy raped me twice in a weekend because I was too dumb to leave when I had originally wanted to. Then the second guy raped me too many times to count and I just stayed with him hoping that he actually loved me and we would eventually work it out. I am a complete fucking moron and should not be desired by anyone. I have been ruined and crushed beyond human repair. If the L-rd repairs me, it's going to damn near require an entirely new inner me, a whole new body, and a complete memory wipe.
I'm so over it. I have never been so angry at myself or anyone else in my life. I told him to stop talking to me for at least a month, but I'm fixing to block his number and block him on Facebook so that he won't be able to reach me ever again. If I need to, I'm about ready to get a fucking restraining order if I ever see him show up at my house.
Best thing yet, I have dealt with all of these things on my own for months because my friends and family have been pushed away by him and I was too stupid to see that. So, now I'm completely on my own and so very angry.
In the midst of my anger last night, about 20 minutes after fiance confessed about the stupid ring lies he told me, I heard a whisper in my heart to forgive. I got a few moments of peace after that, but I couldn't sleep last night and my anger has returned fresh this morning and stuck around me all day. I don't know how I'll survive this.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Lies Are Building
I don't know if you guys remember or not, but when fiance asked me to marry him the first time, he didn't ask my dad for permission first. This was one thing I asked him to do because I feel it shows respect to my dad to ask for my hand. Fast-forward about 5-6 months and he finally asked my dad Thursday night.
Now, dad has unmedicated and unofficially diagnosed bipolar disorder (type 2) as evidence by my DSM-V book and the fact that a lot of his side of the family has it. I'm talking most everyone has it. Anyway, fiance called my dad telling him he wanted to meet up to talk. Dad immediately called me and flipped the fuck out! Sorry for the bad language, there is a lot of anger in my heart. Yes, I still believe in the L-rd and I'm sure he's not happy with my language but I digress and I'm terribly sorry for the bad words. Anyway, dad told him he could marry me.
Next day, dad called and started yelling at me again. He went on and on while I sat crying silently on the other end. My mom called during my "talk" with him and I called her back when he was done. Mom was so great about calming me down, telling me to ignore dad and just get ready and be happy for the special night with fiance. I proceeded to yell and vent about my entire family being bat shit crazy for another 45 minutes. I know I'm not supposed to call people that are mentally ill crazy, even if I am too, but they are. I don't call others, well I really try not to call others crazy because I know these are things they can't help. But honestly, my family and I really need to get on some meds and get this shit sorted out because I'm sick of having nobody on my side because they are all so consumed in their feelings and they leave and stop talking to people when they get mad at the dumbest things. Dad could have told fiance his true feelings. Instead, he told fiance yes and yelled at me because he regretted that decision.
That night, I had a birthday dinner planned for the fiance. We went to a nice dinner. I had gone dress shopping with his mom so that I could find a really pretty dress to wear for him. I did my hair and make up and I was looking really good. Fiance talked to the staff at the restaurant and planned for them to come and sing happy birthday to him, but instead of just that, he was planning to ask me again to marry him in public.
I said yes and he gave me a new ring because the other one got stolen.
The past few days have consisted of me going home to my parent's house where my dad proceeded to ignore me and refuse to talk to my mom or I. They are now planning to separate in the spring because dad thinks life would be better without us because apparently my brother and I stress him out too much. Fiance and I are fighting because of what he told dad when he went up to talk with him. Fiance thinks it's bullshit that I told him that my dad has been yelling at my mom and I for the past few days when dad told fiance he could ask me to marry him. I think it's bullshit too but what do I do? Fiance says the only time he wants to dump me is when my family is being a pain in he ass and not wanting us to get married. Right now, I don't even really want to get married. I'm over this nonsense.
To make it better, I asked about his "dead" wife. He won't give me any straight answers about when she died or where she is buried and I'm angry that he gets so defensive when I do ask because I think that means he might be lying. I went through his Facebook the other day because it was his birthday and I was just looking at the birthday wished. Then, posts started getting more interesting. He told me he's only had one girlfriend besides his wife and me. When I was going through his page, he kept talking about other girlfriends, like 3-4 by name and others without naming them directly. The girl he also said was dead has been posting on her Facebook page up until the end of November of this year. He told me she's been dead for at least 2-3 years. So, I plan on asking him where she is buried, when she died, and what her last name was. The pictures of her that he showed me look an awful lot like this other girl that I found that is alive. I sent a message to her without any specifics in it yet, to see if she would even be willing to talk to me about him. So, we will see. I tried to talk to him when he was over at my place last night but he told me he just doesn't like talking about it. However, I do better asking him over the phone for some reason, then I can have a paper with all of my questions on it too to help guide me. Then, if he's lying, I plan on sending the ring back in the mail and never talking to him again. Whether I take legal pursuit for the other bad things he's done to me or not will remain unknown for right now. I plan on talking to his other "girlfriends" to see why they broke up with him and what happened in their relationships to see if we may all need to ban together for legal action.
So, that is how I went from happiness to complete and utter disparity and anger in a matter of minutes.
Now, dad has unmedicated and unofficially diagnosed bipolar disorder (type 2) as evidence by my DSM-V book and the fact that a lot of his side of the family has it. I'm talking most everyone has it. Anyway, fiance called my dad telling him he wanted to meet up to talk. Dad immediately called me and flipped the fuck out! Sorry for the bad language, there is a lot of anger in my heart. Yes, I still believe in the L-rd and I'm sure he's not happy with my language but I digress and I'm terribly sorry for the bad words. Anyway, dad told him he could marry me.
Next day, dad called and started yelling at me again. He went on and on while I sat crying silently on the other end. My mom called during my "talk" with him and I called her back when he was done. Mom was so great about calming me down, telling me to ignore dad and just get ready and be happy for the special night with fiance. I proceeded to yell and vent about my entire family being bat shit crazy for another 45 minutes. I know I'm not supposed to call people that are mentally ill crazy, even if I am too, but they are. I don't call others, well I really try not to call others crazy because I know these are things they can't help. But honestly, my family and I really need to get on some meds and get this shit sorted out because I'm sick of having nobody on my side because they are all so consumed in their feelings and they leave and stop talking to people when they get mad at the dumbest things. Dad could have told fiance his true feelings. Instead, he told fiance yes and yelled at me because he regretted that decision.
That night, I had a birthday dinner planned for the fiance. We went to a nice dinner. I had gone dress shopping with his mom so that I could find a really pretty dress to wear for him. I did my hair and make up and I was looking really good. Fiance talked to the staff at the restaurant and planned for them to come and sing happy birthday to him, but instead of just that, he was planning to ask me again to marry him in public.
I said yes and he gave me a new ring because the other one got stolen.
The past few days have consisted of me going home to my parent's house where my dad proceeded to ignore me and refuse to talk to my mom or I. They are now planning to separate in the spring because dad thinks life would be better without us because apparently my brother and I stress him out too much. Fiance and I are fighting because of what he told dad when he went up to talk with him. Fiance thinks it's bullshit that I told him that my dad has been yelling at my mom and I for the past few days when dad told fiance he could ask me to marry him. I think it's bullshit too but what do I do? Fiance says the only time he wants to dump me is when my family is being a pain in he ass and not wanting us to get married. Right now, I don't even really want to get married. I'm over this nonsense.
To make it better, I asked about his "dead" wife. He won't give me any straight answers about when she died or where she is buried and I'm angry that he gets so defensive when I do ask because I think that means he might be lying. I went through his Facebook the other day because it was his birthday and I was just looking at the birthday wished. Then, posts started getting more interesting. He told me he's only had one girlfriend besides his wife and me. When I was going through his page, he kept talking about other girlfriends, like 3-4 by name and others without naming them directly. The girl he also said was dead has been posting on her Facebook page up until the end of November of this year. He told me she's been dead for at least 2-3 years. So, I plan on asking him where she is buried, when she died, and what her last name was. The pictures of her that he showed me look an awful lot like this other girl that I found that is alive. I sent a message to her without any specifics in it yet, to see if she would even be willing to talk to me about him. So, we will see. I tried to talk to him when he was over at my place last night but he told me he just doesn't like talking about it. However, I do better asking him over the phone for some reason, then I can have a paper with all of my questions on it too to help guide me. Then, if he's lying, I plan on sending the ring back in the mail and never talking to him again. Whether I take legal pursuit for the other bad things he's done to me or not will remain unknown for right now. I plan on talking to his other "girlfriends" to see why they broke up with him and what happened in their relationships to see if we may all need to ban together for legal action.
So, that is how I went from happiness to complete and utter disparity and anger in a matter of minutes.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Wedding of a Friend
A friend of mine got married today to a really sweet girl. He is from my Messianic Congregation and I don't know how he met her, but she's been attending the congregation for awhile now too.
I truly hope they have a great life and I pray that their marriage is blessed.
With all the well wishes, I can't help but grieve the dreams of mine that were dashed. Little did I know my life would change so drastically in a year. It was New Year's Day at about 0100 in the morning that I met exboyfriend. I didn't know he would take my first kiss. I didn't know that my world would be shattered. I didn't know that my dreams of any type of a Happily Ever After would go up in flames just a few short months later.
I truly do try to be happy for my friends who get to live in their happy little fairy tales while I am getting beat to death by the reality of the turn my life took because a guy that I was introduced to along the way refused to keep his hands and other appendages to himself. I thought it was bad watching friends get married when I was single. This is so much worse.
I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I am a very grounded person and I have no illusions that married life will be unicorns and rainbows like many of my friends tend to believe. So, why then was this the path that I have to walk? Why is it that I was given this burden? Why is my dream of a simple life burnt to the ground when all I've ever tried to do is be kind and try to follow the L-rd.
I'm slipping from Him lately. It's hard to see His light at the end of the tunnel when there are so many goblins and trolls along my journey to get to Him.
I miss who I used to be. I wish I would have never met him and I wish my life was the way it was a year ago. If it was, I know I could survive. Right now, it's dicey to know if I'll wake up in the morning or not.
I truly hope they have a great life and I pray that their marriage is blessed.
With all the well wishes, I can't help but grieve the dreams of mine that were dashed. Little did I know my life would change so drastically in a year. It was New Year's Day at about 0100 in the morning that I met exboyfriend. I didn't know he would take my first kiss. I didn't know that my world would be shattered. I didn't know that my dreams of any type of a Happily Ever After would go up in flames just a few short months later.
I truly do try to be happy for my friends who get to live in their happy little fairy tales while I am getting beat to death by the reality of the turn my life took because a guy that I was introduced to along the way refused to keep his hands and other appendages to himself. I thought it was bad watching friends get married when I was single. This is so much worse.
I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I am a very grounded person and I have no illusions that married life will be unicorns and rainbows like many of my friends tend to believe. So, why then was this the path that I have to walk? Why is it that I was given this burden? Why is my dream of a simple life burnt to the ground when all I've ever tried to do is be kind and try to follow the L-rd.
I'm slipping from Him lately. It's hard to see His light at the end of the tunnel when there are so many goblins and trolls along my journey to get to Him.
I miss who I used to be. I wish I would have never met him and I wish my life was the way it was a year ago. If it was, I know I could survive. Right now, it's dicey to know if I'll wake up in the morning or not.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Application for Graduation is IN!!!
Folks, I got an email today explaining how to apply for graduation! Yay! I'm almost done with this hell that is nursing school. Right now I'm excited. Someday soon, I will be sad I didn't do more during college.
So, I am conflicted with how to feel.
Therefore, I'll focus on the happiness. I'm nearly done with nursing school and I am on track to finish college with a degree in just a few months. Praise the L-rd for bringing me through all the days I was certain I should drop out.
ALMOST DONE!
So, I am conflicted with how to feel.
Therefore, I'll focus on the happiness. I'm nearly done with nursing school and I am on track to finish college with a degree in just a few months. Praise the L-rd for bringing me through all the days I was certain I should drop out.
ALMOST DONE!
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