Senior Year of Nursing School

Folks, I have made it to my senior year of nursing school! I figured it would be a rough road but had no idea what kind of bumps I'd experience. Turns out school was the easier part, and it is still nursing boot camp. Seriously, nursing school is hard but so worth it.

This semester I am taking:

• Med/Surg "Capstone" (my fourth [and FINAL!] med/surg rotation)

• Community Health

• Jewish Philosophy

• Epidemic of Sexual Assault (It focuses on forensic nursing. I worry about this one because it is an entire course about rape and sexual assault. I can always drop it and I've always wanted to learn more about forensic nursing so I guess we'll see how the first couple of weeks go. I plan on emailing my professor to let her know that I have a personal history so that she can advise me to continue on or go ahead and drop the course.)

So, four classes. 2 have clinicals, one is on main campus (the nursing school is banished to the end of campus away from the normal people...), and one online class (the sexual assault one). We shall see how I do with 18 credits, my hospital night CNA job, and now a boyfriend/fiance in the mix. At least he works on the oil rigs and is gone for 1.5-2 months at a time and only home for 2 weeks in between those hitches (time he's away working).

I remember joking to my friends saying I would be okay with a boyfriend or husband that was home for a couple days and then gone for a few months. In marriage, that will be very difficult. While I am in school, this is highly advantageous for me because we have 30 minute phone dates each night and sporadic texting throughout the day and I have time to study and do what I need to do for school. Praise the L-rd! We will see how this juggling act goes; it may be a complete disaster or G-d may give me the strength and ability to make it work, we shall see.

Fiance surprised me by coming home early Friday. He has had a really difficult hitch. Cliff notes of the past 5-6 weeks for him include: a fellow employee almost killing my man by leaving him on an oil rig with no protection during a lightning storm, that guy then stole the company truck when he was fired for almost killing my man, there was an explosion and fiance saved two guys' lives by running back towards the fire to grab them, now he is being sued by the government for saving lives because it went against safety protocol. There were other delightful little gems in there too, but those are the major highlights.

Anyway, he found my roommate on Facebook and started trying to plan how he could surprise me when he came home. He told me he would show up at any time over the next few days, this was on Wednesday I think. I was freaking out! My roommate was a few states away until Thursday because she was visiting her boyfriend and I had been living in my same pajamas for a few days and slept nearly 18 hours a day most days. What if he came home and my hair was a mess and I didn't even have time to brush my teeth? Oh no! Once roommate got back (new roommate by the way, not the one from last year), we had a night to decompress from her trip and get our little routine started. I mentioned that he had spilled the beans that he might be surprising me and that he had said he might have Facebooked her. She said he had but that she wasn't going to tell me anything.

He texted me later Thursday night and told me he wouldn't be coming home that weekend like he thought because his boss wanted him to stay, but that he would be back next weekend. He apologized up and down all night (he worked night shift that hitch). I told him I understood and not to worry about it. I was thinking, "No big deal, he'll be back next weekend and I have a week to get school figured out before he comes home. Okay, we will make this work."

Friday, roommate and I woke up. She and I had planned to go to campus to get parking passes and textbooks before the mad rush of students would crowd campus this coming Monday. She also said she wanted to take me to lunch for taking such good care of her dog while she was gone for two weeks visiting her family and boyfriend. That wasn't a problem for me because she only had me pay half the rent for August in return for watching her dog and I took her dog up to my parent's house so that her dog and my dog could play. There is also a dog door which makes taking care of a dog really simple, as opposed to going for walks every 2 hours because we live in an apartment. So really, I got the better end of the deal. Anyway, she suggested a really expensive restaurant that fiance loves but had told me he wouldn't take me to yet because it is so pricey and it needs to wait until a special occasion. So I knew something was fishy there. I told her she already paid me for watching her dog and that going to lunch there was too expensive so I suggested we find another place to go. She insisted that "we have to go there." She is not a pushy person, so that was clue number two. When we were heading out she mentioned that she had a piano lesson (she teaches piano) in the area so it would be perfect for her to go to lunch there so that she wouldn't have to drive all the way back across town to go home. I asked her if I needed to drive separate so that I could go home after lunch and she told me not to worry about it. Clue #3. I decided not to push because I was already putting pieces together. When we got there and nobody else we knew was there, I brought up me needing a ride again. I asked her how I was going to get home? She said she would drive me home (across town). I mentioned that she had said she didn't want to because she had a lesson near the restaurant. She started blushing and told me to stop asking questions and that it would be alright. I win! I figured it out. So, about 15-20 minutes go by while my mind is racing but I try to keep the conversation going with her about how fiance had told me he wasn't coming home and she looked so sad because I was sad. Then I asked about her trip and we decided to go up to the salad bar and get ourselves some food. I got so distracted getting food and talking for the next 10 minutes that he came up behind me and gave me a hug and I had totally forgotten I was hoping he would come! It was a wonderful surprise and a great lunch. Roommate likes him and says he reminds her of her boyfriend.

She's a really sweet girl who found a guy with a good heart but ridiculously rough edges too. We find solace knowing each other's similar guy troubles because we are similar and our guys are similar. Yet, we both love our men, no matter how crazy they make us sometimes because we see the good in them and we see them trying to be sweet and tender for us.

Tonight the L-rd is giving my heart peace. I am anxious about tomorrow, but the troubles that plague my brain about the events that have happened this summer are set aside. He has taken them. Oftentimes He has to take them back from me daily, but it is getting easier to relinquish them each day. Forgiveness is also a daily battle that is getting easier each day. I am to a place where I believe that ExBoyfriend just made a mistake and I didn't fight hard enough to let him know I wasn't happy with what was going on. ExRoommate and I made mistakes that made us both sad and I am very sorry for that. The words that were spoken by the girls freshman year, my brother, ExRoommate's mom, and countless others over the years were just mistakes. It's all about each of us learning. That is what life is, right? Learning to let G-d have control of who we are and allowing Him to teach us how to model ourselves after His heart? I don't know, I don't know what life is. Right now I'm resigned to what it has become and I hope and pray that there is something more meaningful. I yearn for the day when the L-rd will tell me there was a bigger purpose to me going through this last summer and other people being able to be told that their life struggles (which are far greater than my own) have purpose and meaning. Who knows though? Only the Good L-rd knows and so I will keep my hope in Him and start getting my eyes and feet trained back to His path because I got a bit sidetracked and turned around.

My Skeleton Has Scars

Today's post is a really hard one to share. It is not happy, not even a little bit. These are my raw thoughts. My heart has crumbled, it has blown away. Who I was a few months ago is not even able to be revived, she's gone. Instead, the skeleton left behind is in pain, it is broken, and it has no option but to hang on to the grain of hope that someday something will come of this. Someday I pray there is beauty from these ashes because right now I'm not seeing it as a possibility. So here is my post:

Today the urge feels a bit stronger than I am. It started about nine years ago, maybe ten years now. For a while I just gave in. I tried to go with it because I am not strong enough to fight it.  I did what it wanted. Between scars, pills, anger, and the like, I went with each wave.

At some point I stopped. Well, I went to camp. I was forced to go to camp. I despised church camp and the church I went with.  The fights between my mom and I grew as she continued to make me go to church and also the extra activities that came up along the way. Great. Each one physically pained me. I went to church each Sunday and Wednesday for months, fighting back tears of rage and doing my best to avoid talking to anyone. I was pretty good at it too, people stopped trying to talk with me and they let me serve with the children because that was the only place I seemed even slightly happy.

Today the memories and the thoughts are piling up. Three sessions of therapy did nothing. I was classified a “crisis”. Yes, they flat out told me I was a crisis case. Awesome. Counseling didn’t do anything. I spent hours in an office saying whatever happened to pop into my head. I do not like talking. I do not like babbling. Therapy was all about babbling. My counselor called back yesterday to set up another appointment. It didn’t seem like a good use of money so the appointment was declined and she took me off the list.

A month after it happened, I met my current boyfriend when I was out dancing. I was sitting on a stool watching everyone else dance by, jealous that nobody asked me to dance. That wasn’t new to me though, it was just confirmation of the things I’ve been able to accept years ago. He came and asked for a dance. I said ok. We had small talk during the dance like names, occupations, where we are from. It was great. After the song I walked off the floor and he tried to start up a conversation. Actually, he stood there and didn’t say much while I tried to keep up the conversation so I would seem rude. After about 10 minutes I got bored and told him to have a good night and come ask me to dance later, if he wanted to. He said okay and I walked off. I rejoined my friend that I had come there with and we talked for about a half hour. He returned and asked for my number. Being an idiot and super excited a boy asked for my number, I gave it to him. He waited two days to text me. I was convinced he forgot about me, after all, he had forgotten my name when he came back to ask for my number. Red flag.

We’ve been dating three months. We got engaged a month ago. I know, engaged after a couple months of dating, I must be crazy. I am.

How did I get engaged so quickly? I’ve been making poor choices. One such poor choice was going out dancing with my boyfriend and a huge group of my friends. I’ve done it before and managed to stay safe. I know my limit of four drinks and I stick to it. The boyfriend and I had had a fight earlier that day about sex. He wanted it, said he needed it, and I wanted to wait for marriage. We’ve had this fight dozens of times and we never reach a common conclusion. He hears what he wants, I cave because he begs and pleads and whines. That’s how I got into a rough situation a few months ago, same exact formula. I had plans to stay at my brother’s apartment that night. Boyfriend wanted me to stay at a hotel with him but I told him no. He kept bringing me drinks. He knew my limit too. He surpassed it by several drinks. Joke’s on him, I ended up blackout drunk and threw up in his truck, several times. He took me to a hotel, telling my friends that he would take care of me, and he did.

I woke up the next morning naked, next to him. He tells me I started the sex. He had stripped me down to get me showered off, so naturally he stripped down too. Then he says he tried to put me to bed but I climbed on top of him and started having sex with him. That sounds nothing like me and I don’t remember much of the night. I was the crazy prude who didn’t want to kiss anyone until she could kiss her husband on her wedding day when the Rabbi told him to kiss the bride. I was the girl who didn’t want to hold hands until she was engaged. I was the girl who wanted to date for at least a year and then be engaged for at least a year before getting married. My life isn’t supposed to be like this!

We fought about that night. I tried to break up with him. He knew how I felt about sex before marriage. He is twice my size and he was in his right mind. He was the one who had brought me drinks. He knew my past and he had heard my story. He saw tears streaming down my face when I finally verbalized what had happened with the last one. He promised he would take care of me. After my 30 minute break-up speech, he talked me into staying with him. He told me I am amazing. I told him I am used goods and he told me that it wasn’t his fault; I was the one who started it.

I believe him. That makes me question the first one. Maybe I’m just some girl who wants to be the victim so that she doesn’t have to own up to her own mistakes.

At my grandfather’s funeral, I learned that my dad had been married before my mom. I was about six. The next few years revealed that they got married after I was born, because I was born. Neither of them have been happy married; it doesn’t take an adult to see that. They got married because of me. If I had not been born, they wouldn’t have been stuck with each other.

If I had not gone to the small town dance New Year’s Eve, maybe I would have a completely different life right now. Maybe I would be whole, maybe I would be pure, and maybe I would still have a future. The “maybe game” does nothing but give me panic attacks these days. I used to be able to play it and imagine a life with a loving husband, children, animals, land, and a career that I love. All surrounded by my family and his family and all of us get along great and everyone is happy to see each other when we visit.

Today I am resigned. If I marry this man I am engaged to, I pray it is a happy marriage, but I do not want children anymore. If he leaves me, I will be strong enough to make it in life on my own. I will not subject another person to being in a relationship with me. The man that I have prayed for deserves someone that is whole and pure and lovely. The woman I strived to be is dead. So today, I am tired.

I am tired of the mask I wear when people ask me about my first breakup. My family knows the guy and his family well, they all live in a small town together. I ran into his mom when I was doing clinicals at a local hospital and she informed me he told her we broke up because I was planning on going to Texas to work when I graduated. That makes the breakup my fault instead of his because it was easier for him to explain it that way instead of telling his family the truth.

My dad doesn’t know why we broke up. He told my mom that I am just being dramatic. I probably am.

My brother told me that people go through things that are much worse than what I’ve gone through so I need to just get over it. I do.

My mom told me I need to stop being alone with boys because bad things keep happening. She’s probably right because both of these bad situations have been my fault.

My mentor told me I was silly when I told her I wanted to wait for my first kiss until my wedding day. Then she questioned if I was sleeping with my first boyfriend when he raped me. That shows she believes it was my fault, because it probably was.

My friends tell me I need to break up with my current boyfriend/fiancé. They don’t think I can run my own life or make my own decisions.

Boyfriend thinks I don’t give enough to him. He says he changed his whole life for me because he saw me and fell in love. He says I haven’t changed anything for him. I told him he doesn’t have to stay and he says he does because he loves me. This is fight #7364 about me not putting out. He gets mad I am going to have too much time taken up with class, clinicals, homework, and work which will leave me no time with him. However, he thinks I should be spending every night with him, otherwise I’m the one tearing us apart. I probably don’t submit enough, I’ve already slept with him and who needs to be a nurse anyway. I just need to work on time management.

The urge to just slip away and no longer be here is getting stronger. I’m being pulled limb from limb, drowning, burning alive, and suffocating under the weight of this life. Yes, there are so many ways I could make my life easier, for now I feel like the L-rd is telling me to sit still and let things happen as they happen.

And the Plot Thickens

For about two months now, I have been barely surviving. Mid April I was sexually assaulted/raped by my first ever "real" boyfriend. School and life went on while I felt I was stuck. I still feel stuck and like I'm just going through the motions.

About a month ago I met a new boy who I thought was great. Things are turning with him...

About two weeks ago I got a breakup sounding text with an ultimatum from Roommate telling me that she "couldn't live like this". She was talking about me. When I asked her what was going on and we talked it all out, turns out she's been making a lot of assumptions about what I was doing. Her mom called me and chewed me out for about 12 minutes. Then Roommate and I talked the next day. Stories are not adding up and the mom said really hurtful things. Keep in mind, Roommate's mom is the one who introduced me to Rapist and now she is mad at me for the time I was in a relationship with me. Does that make any sense? NO! They are getting mad at me for not changing and fixing my behavior for the past five months but they haven't been telling me anything until one time so how I was supposed to know I was doing anything wrong? Plus, they say I've changed. I have changed, rape does that to a person. I am also not taking nonesense from people anymore. I'm sick of getting walked all over and being expected to just take it. I was playing wife to Roommate (cooking her dinner, doing little errands for her, helping with family projects like gutting a basement, etc.). So yes, I've changed because she wasn't returning the favor. How was I supposed to know that was something I'd get yelled at because she expected me to be a spouse while getting nothing in return. WE'RE NOT MARRIED! We were roommates who's goal was to split living expenses so we can hopefully survive college. The relationship was not supposed to be a one-way street of me bending over backwards when I have my own life that I need to deal with. She's mad about me not making dinner? I'm mad about not being respected and having to answer to her for everything I do while she can do what she wants whenever she wants. Long story short, after the text, she stopped texting for about a week while I was with Mema shadowing in the NICU again. I scrambled to find a new roommate because the original one obviously didn't want to live with me anymore. When I got back, that's when Roommate's mom called me to see what was going on because Roommate wasn't answering any of the serious texts I was texting her even though they were all apologies and wondering what was going wrong. When I told the mom that I had found another roommate she got all angry and started yelling at me because now she was going to have to pay the other half of her daughter's bills. Well lady, you don't really have to. Plus, she's the one who decided she didn't want to live with me, I offered but she wants to live alone. I just took it though. I'm learning to be an adult and it sucks because some adults don't even know how to adult.

Wednesday I got in my first car accident after a really, really rough night at work. Dad yelled at me when he found out when I was hoping for just a little support or even a "are you okay". So, I may or may not have back-sassed him just a little bit in hopes that I was standing up for myself. I think I was. New Boyfriend drove 2 hours to come up to where I crashed so that he could tow my car to my dad's mechanic shop. Next day I went to a super sketchy part of town and pulled the parts of a wrecked version of my car all by myself. Now there were lots of miracles in this whole ordeal. The car I hit was not damaged and the guy was so sweet about everything (he was probably a dad/grandpa). My car had minimal damage, it looked bad, but I was able to help my dad and we fixed it with the help of his body work friend. The car I found at a scrap yard to pull parts from was the exact same color and car as my own and it was even in better condition. Not only that, but it had shown up the day before so I was almost the first one to get parts from it. Praise the L-rd! There's no way His hand is not on this, guiding me through, even though I messed up. I didn't even cry at the crash, nor did I feel I needed to. I worked my way through all my problems and the car is nearly back to working order we just have to finish putting the radiator in it and I'll be able to drive it again.

Friday I went to the local amusement park with New Boyfriend and a couple of his friends (Boyfriend from now on, previous Boyfriend will now be referred to as ExBF). When he got to the door to pick me up, he asked me to change because he didn't like that I was wearing my long boy's shorts as a swim suit. I told him he could go alone if he didn't want me wearing that because I wasn't going to change. He said no, let's go, so we did. At the park we left most valuables in the car and took my backpack with just a few things in it. I almost brought my wallet but they told me to leave it in the car. I accidentally packed my phone. After a few water rides, we went back to where we had left the backpack and they got their cigarettes. I don't smoke, but they do. We did one more ride and weren't gone for more than 30 minutes but the backpack was gone when we got back. It was in a heavy traffic area with a bunch of other backpacks around so I don't know why/how they targeted mine. We went to lost and found, nothing. I realized after a couple hours that my phone was in there and not in the car. That is bumming me out the most. I had a couple pictures of myself after my SANE (rape) exam because my nurse was so sweet and had given me a snoopy band-aid that made me feel a little better. Silly, I know. But that picture was a symbol of strength for me because I sought help after a really traumatic event. I also had some other pictures on there that I wanted because they were of my crunched car from two days before, a couple of my boyfriend that I liked, and just other pictures. Plus, I feel violated all over again because someone has access to all of that info. I mean, they probably wiped the phone without looking through it, but come on! Do I really need more stuff going wrong in my life? Even after the backpack was stolen and I was grumpy, I pushed that aside so the others could hopefully have fun. They were upset too because they had their military ID's in it and some cash. But boyfriend and I had a couple fights. He texted me yesterday once I got a my old phone working with my same number (because the stolen phone was only a couple months old) and he told me sorry. I just don't understand why he does not nice things and then apologizes for it the next day but when he notices I'm mad the day he makes me angry, he acts like I'm being dramatic. I'm done hiding my feelings and my hurt. I tell him straight out that he's being mean. I feel like such a girl for getting mad at him, I've never been like this, but I'm sick of being a doormat and someone that others can yell at and still expect me to take it with a smile and then do whatever they want to do. I'm not Burger King, you can't have it your way with me. Yes, I will compromise and talk things through, but I'm not compromising my beliefs or myself anymore.

To top it all off, both parents come to me with their marriage problems. They always have. I don't know how I became the family therapist, but it's been like this since I was about 5-6. Except then, the marriage was much happier. Now, they are both talking about how they don't know how they can stay together. That's fine, if they want to live on their own, that's ok. I'm an adult, that isn't going to cause me great harm like it would have when I was a kid. Plus, I've seen them both very unhappy for a very long time. However, when they make personal attacks on the other one, I can get mad at mom and tell her to fix it. She will apologize and move on. Dad, not so much. I hate personal attacks.

Life would be hard enough dealing with a breakup, but it's not just a breakup. My world is crumbling down around me, my relationships are burning without me knowing how or why, events in my life keep making me question whether I can survive anymore. Yesterday I lost it. My mom and I had just gone to get my old phone reactivated and I broke after weeks and weeks of just plugging along. I vented to her about ExBF, Boyfriend, ex-Roommate, the wreck, the theft, my phone, the fight with dad, their marriage problems, and probably some other stuff that I can't remember right now. I just wanted a simple life. I just wanted to graduate, wait to kiss a boy until my wedding day, maybe have a few kids if the L-rd allowed me to get married to a simple and sweet man, and have minimal drama. Well, that is not the outcome of my life. I've had more drama than I can deal with in a lifetime all packed into about two month's time and there is more in my past that I still have to deal with.

My flashbacks had gone away, I thought I was doing better. Nope. Flashbacks have come back and they are even about Country Boy, not just ExBF now.

I don't know how to live anymore. I would never do anything to end my own life, but I'm ready to never leave my bed again. I don't want to go out, I don't want to put on this fake smile, I don't want the memories/the hurt/the pain anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm so over everything. G-d remains constant in my life and I know I've fallen away from Him. I'm not outside His reach, in fact, I'm still in His hands, but how do I go on? Breathing is hard, I don't have the energy to do anything, I'm not hungry anymore, and I have little will to do anything. I don't think life should be this hard and yet I know others are going through more and they still find joy and happiness in the midst of their terrible circumstances. So why then, can I not handle these little things?

Where has the time gone?!

My only final was completed last Monday. I'm so sorry I did not update you guys, life has been all sorts of crazy busy lately. So, I will take it one bit at a time.

Grades: 2 A's and 1 B for this last semester which is pretty good! The final in my class ended up being a test that nobody did well on so the teacher made it only 1% of our entire grade so I got to keep my A in the class. Oh my goodness, praise the L-rd! I had gone out dancing the night before instead of studying and I actually met a guy.

On the subject of that guy, he asked me to dance. I agreed. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. He proceeded to text me after the stupid, customary 2-day waiting period and we've kinda hit it off. So, after spending most of the last week with him, he's my boyfriend. Super early and I'm not sure how compatible we are together, but he got the sexual assault/rape information out of me and he's been really supportive and sweet. Thus far we've been going full-throttle, and I told him that, and he's agreed to slow it down a bit. Right now he's in another state because he travels with his job for 2 months and then he comes back for breaks of 2-3 weeks. In that time we'll be able to talk and see if this is something that will work out or not. It's concerning that we met each other at a bar... and I don't trust anyone, especially not now... but there's something about him and I don't know what it is. I guess we will see. His name is Redneck BF (R BF for short).

Counseling went okay. We talked a little bit about coping strategies for me but the best one so far is distraction. As long as I stay really busy and go out a lot, I don't seem to have issues. However, when I sit still for too long or stay up too late, that's when I start having troubles. I feel like I'm going crazy though, I had to learn mindfulness exercises and they help when I'm in the office but not so much in the real world.

I worked last night for the first time since the incident. I had a 2 hour long anxiety attack and could only rock myself back and forth while telling myself that "I am okay". It seemed like I was doing better, but the night shift and the vast amounts of dark space with near silence is not conducive to avoiding the thought of what happened and what I wish could have happened. Alas, work + minimal sleep today after work = a very tired girl who believes she may be able to have a decent night's rest tonight. Well, L-rd willing, of course.

I hope all y'all are doing well in your respective places in the world.

Never Thought I Would Be Here

Since the break-up, SANE exam, and various other stressful events that have recently taken place in my life, I have been encouraged to start seeing a counselor. I went for the first day today and it was more of a "screening" to see what therapist that would fit my needs the best.

I was classified as a crisis.

Due to this, I have bypassed the wait list and will have at least 6 sessions before I am re-evaluated to determine if I need more intensive therapy or if I have been making enough progress.

I am now in therapy.

My nursing school also has drives for supplies, food, and toiletries for different organizations and causes. Recently, they started a drive for toiletries for the local sexual assault organization that I had been talking with for counseling and help through this whole process of the SANE exam and various other issues related to the assault.

I cannot escape this and the memories and flashbacks!

I opened up my Facebook today and was met with a video titled: "This Man Logged On To Facebook And His Rapist Appeared Under 'People You May Know'" Granted, I was already friends with EXboyfriend, but I cannot outrun this event that happened in my life.

For the past several days, I have spent my time coloring in children's coloring books and watching Veggie Tales. I spent $60 to buy all three seasons of Veggie Tales from Amazon... but that's beside the point.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Shock of the Week

For my last week of clinicals, the census was ridiculously low on my clinical floor. I'm talking 11 patients between two nurses and many of those patients were going to get discharged throughout the day. Crazy low! So, my clinical group, all three of us, were placed on a different floor.

The day was going really well. I got to hang a bunch of IV stuff, give some shots, see chest tubes, and do all sorts of fun stuff with an excellent nurse. I made it to the end of the day and walked to the other end of the extremely large unit. Guess who I run into! EXboyfriend's mom... She was super sweet and I asked what she was doing there. We chatted for a little bit and I asked if EXboyfriend had told her we had broken up. She said that he had and that when I get a job opportunity, I just have to take it. She said he was bummed about it but she encouraged me to go where work was. I was so confused! After she left, I texted him to let him know I had seen her and to ask him what he was telling people as far as the reason we had broken up. He blamed it on my decision to move to another state after graduation because I already have a job pretty much lined up at Mema's hospital. He asked if I was ma about the story. I told him that I'm not upset with the story because it keeps it simple and I can roll with that, even though it is an absolute lie.

Meanwhile, it is killing me that he doesn't even know the hoops I have had to jump through, the no eating, the nausea, the ER visit, the ER bill, the contraception pill, the nightmares, and everything else that I am having to go through. Yes, I have support from friends, Mom, and my brother ended up guessing what EXbf had done because I sorta let a little something slip when I had been drinking a little bit and he was my designated driver... I am also signed up for counseling... Anyway, EXbf knows nothing of my misery because he couldn't keep it in his pants and keep his promise to me. I just want to tell him, I just want him to hear the pain in my voice, the anger that he stole my future, me crying on the other end of the phone. Even all of this would do the whole process of my grief and pain no justice, but then he would know and I wouldn't be bearing this burden in complete secret while he is simply upset that I broke up with him. I'm not only going through a breakup, I'm dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault and I will be stuck with that for the rest of my life.

I had been doing okay, and then I saw his mom.

Just a Little Story

There was once a girl who was a little lonely and hoping for a boy to come along that she could marry, but she was independent and mostly happy alone.

One day, she decided to go to a dance out in the country with her roommate, roommate's family, and some of her own family as well.

She hadn't danced with anyone all night until a boy came up and asked her. He asked for her number and they eventually began dating.

Her family liked him and his family liked her. This was her first boyfriend but he had had several past relationships. She was worried about his vast level of experience, but stayed with him because he seemed sweet. Two months into the relationship, something wasn't right.

 They were hanging out one weekend and he took it too far. She repeatedly told him no and to stop, but he did not.

She broke up with him.

She was so ashamed but G-d told her that what she experienced was not her fault, she did what was legally required and he should have stopped.

She went to the ER for a sane exam a few days later. The nurses were very sweet and she found support and reassurance.

They told her it was not her fault. She learned she is not pregnant and she was fully examined to ensure no physical trauma was present.

Though she must now deal with this brokeness for the rest of her life and she will now have to explain it to her future husband, she has faith the L-rd redeems and brings beauty from the ashes. She's not okay, but she will be okay again one day.