Beautiful Shabbat

Y'all, I actually rested today! I read Torah portion in bed, then stayed in bed all day long. That's over exaggerated, I left bed to use the bathroom and to get food or water, but besides that I stayed in bed. I got to nap and watch some movies and shows and it was just beautiful to be able to not worry about anything.

I also got my grade back from my last anatomy lab test... drumroll... G-d gave me a 94%!!! If only I would have studied harder for my other lab tests, then I wouldn't be looking at getting a B in anatomy, but I was foolish. Anyway, praise the L-rd for giving me my first A on an anatomy lab test this semester. That good grade gave me motivation to get started studying for chem (after sunset of course) which is why I am up at 11:30 writing this post instead of sleeping like I ought to do.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful for Shabbat, this beautiful day of rest G-d has given us because He knows life gets busy and He wants us to make time for Him and time for rest. I am still not keeping Shabbat like I should, but I will get there. I got to take a nap! Yesterday I also packed a lot of my room and now it's really empty, but it felt good to get something productive done without having to continue studying. G-d gave me an excellent grade on my last anatomy lab test and I was totally expecting a low B or C!

Day of Study

Today was supposed to be my day to study, but it wasn't very successful. I only completed my paper which took about 6 hours even though I only needed to write two paragraphs. But that's my fault, I kept messing around. Oh well.

Shabbat Shalom! This is my final Sabbath that I have to spend at school and that makes me so very happy. I am very thankful for this day of rest especially in finals week. Unfortunately, I am often confused as to what I should do when I have loads of schoolwork that I need to complete but am supposed to rest on the Sabbath.

Tonight at school they are having this silly run where you donate the clothes - all but your underwear - and then go for a run with hundreds of other students... IN YOUR UNDERWEAR! This is obviously not something I am going to take part in because my guy swim trunks and short sleeve surf shirt is not even modest enough for me, let alone nothing but my skivvies! I hope all the students have fun. But just started raining... Golly, it's probably sick that I think it's hilarious for us to get rain just as everyone is getting undressed together, but I do find it entertaining that they are now nearly naked and about to get soaked. It's not even a warm rain, it's actually getting chilly out.

Daily Thanksgiving: I turned in my last English paper early, which is so out of character for me. It is now Shabbat and I have a day of rest before crunch time hits me like a train for finals. I don't have to work on Sunday so I can actually study for my chem and psych finals that take place on Monday. Also, I am very thankful that G-d gave me two days between my first two finals and my anatomy final. Plus, the anatomy final will have some reproductive questions on it and I love the reproductive system!!! I am almost done with freshman year and it feels so good. I can't believe I only have tests and then I am done. It seems like I was just moving in, then I was just changing rooms and then here I am packing up to leave. I have matured though and G-d has taught me a lot in this short amount of time. Now I wish I would have started blogging at the beginning of my schooling journey instead of half way into my first year, but it is what it is and as I think of stories I will share, because there are lots of lessons to be learned from this silly - sometimes foolish - girl.

Rejuvinated

Shabbat Shalom!

Today I went to shul (congregation), for the first time in a month and it was so good. G-d let the worship team sing some of my all-time favorite songs and I found out that I will be done with school by their Shavuot celebration so I get to dance with the dance team!!! I have missed dancing so much, and I didn't even do it all that much. But for some reason, it gets out in physical form what I want to do when worshiping. I can't really explain it, but oh how I love to dance! Only Davidic dancing, not slow dancing or prom dancing or anything, only the stuff for worship. Do me a favor and look up Davidic dancing or messianic worship dancing, or something about Hebrew dances or anything like that. Truly, if more churches danced the way David did, I think we would be better at expressing ourselves and our love for G-d because it doesn't matter what we look like, so long as we are giving G-d praise with every fiber, cell, atom of our being. Also, every since I saw Prince of Egypt by Dreamworks, I wanted to dance like they danced at that dinner party. Now I do! You have no idea how excited I was when I first went to our congregation and realized I could potentially dance like they danced.

Anyway, it was an excellent Shabbat. G-d made a lot of stuff a whole lot  clearer, I am on my way to getting right with Him and I pray that He will handle my life. Lately, I have been trying to figure life out which always gets me into trouble. I need to rely solely on Him, because when I do, He allows everything else to fall into place and He even improves my grades when I focus on Him and not necessarily on school. Foolish me, I had to try to drive the car of my life again. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to fully relinquish all of my life for the rest of my life, without trying to take control of stuff again, because I'm human. By the time He is in full control, I will likely be home with Him. But, for right now, I have Shalom. This peace that I have not felt in such a long time, and joy; both came over me today in worship and it was like a cold drink of water on a scorching hot day. A cool, sweet breeze in the midst of hot, muggy weather. My worries are at rest tonight and my brain is free for the first time in months. Life is never too much for G-d to handle and He performs miracles, some that we don't even see, every day. He is to incredible, gracious, holy, mighty and gentle.

Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to go to shul and dance today. I found out I get to be home for Shavuot (more on what that is to come). G-d provides me with the desires of my heart like dancing, the songs I love, and so much more. He has given me peace and rest from the worries and anxiety I bring on myself. He is so great and merciful and amazing. I had a wonderful day. Also, he brought me home safe and He brought me back to school safely!

Apartment Hunting

This is a difficult job because it is so time consuming. While it is exciting, it is also a tedious and exhausting process, but hopefully we will find a great apartment and get to move in this summer! It's kind of frustrating though because really nice places pop up in my search and I can't wait until I can afford a nicer place, but that will not be for a very, very long time. Probably like 8 years... Thank you loans and student debt!

I am so excited though. I will get to have a shotgun of my very own in my room and I will be a big girl living without parental ties. Right now I have everything that I can't use at school at home with my parents, but after this summer, that will no longer be the case. Too bad I can't just live with them because I would have good food and no rent or bills to pay, but that just won't work right now. Maybe I can live with them while I am completing my Midwife courses!

Anyway, Shabbat Shalom! I hope y'all have a good day of rest and I hope you actually get to rest and thank G-d for this beautiful day.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's Shabbat! I get to rest and relax and do a whole lot of nothing after my very busy, stressful week.

Update from Yesterday

Yesterday was fairly uneventful. I studied a bit, procrastinated a lot, stressed over my next week of a million tests, a quiz and a paper. Then I went to eat with my mom and brother. When I got back, I played football with my friends, and even a bunch of friends I haven't hung out with since last semester but I miss them so badly.

By the way, mema didn't end up coming yesterday. She had a tough day at work and was exhausted so she didn't want to drive the 8 hours to get here. I was really bummed, but I want her to be able to rest when she needs it. Also, I need her to be well-rested before she makes that long trip so she doesn't crash. So it was just my mom and my brother who came down to see me. We went out to dinner and had a great time. I so miss my brother. Lately he has been not so nice to me, likely because he is 17 and getting a large dose of testosterone. By the way, I do not approve of this sudden change guys tend to have because they can be nice one day and totally cruel and mean the next... Anyway, he was more like how I remember him being when we were super close, so that was awesome. My mom is just amazing always. I was wanting to talk to her about my problems, but my brother was there, so I ended up calling her once I knew she had made it home from the hour and a half drive to get to me. The L-rd gave her words to say. She knows me so well because G-d knows me so well and I believe she listens to G-d. Her wisdom was so soothing and comforting because when my mentors are telling me to go against my strong boundaries (even though they are women of the same faith as me), my mom understands my boundaries and my ways of protecting my heart. She also knows how bad it hurts to not have those boundaries, which is also why I developed the strange and seemingly silly ones that I did.

Her story: She came from an abusive family. Once she got out, she made her way. She went to beauty school to have a better paying job than some others. She apprenticed for a really long time. Then she started going to school for nursing. The school had originally denied her, but she convinced them to let her in on probation. At this school, prereques were two years and clinicals were two years. She got done with the first two years and got accepted into clinicals (proving she was a good choice by fighting to get in), then she got pregnant with me and had to drop out before she started clinicals. She probably could have gone to school with me being an infant, but she didn't want me to have substandard care and she didn't want to leave me. To this day, she is still a hairdresser. My father and my mom married at the end of the month I was born in and they are still married to this day. But before she had me, she had been through so many dating relationships and some were even abusive because she didn't know she could have boundaries.

Now her story is a part of me. I am finishing nursing school to complete her dreams and to convince her to go back to school with me. Her story saddens me because it seems like it's my fault she could not finish. She wanted to be a nurse so that she could travel the world with missionaries and spread the love of Jesus (she was Christian then, which isn't really different than what we are now, but I just wanted to explain the name choice here...). I know that she can do it. I also know that it was in G-d's plans for life to turn out this way. Also, I know that the thought that this was my fault is from the Adversary (Satan).

So, to avoid any of this for me, I installed boundaries. Carefully thought through and discussed with Abba (means Father), the Creator of myself and everything, ever. These boundaries seem outlandish and too complicated, but G-d can make anything happen and if He has chosen a man for me, then that man will have to be talking to G-d in order to figure out how to get to my heart. Until then (if that should ever happen), G-d holds my heart completely. Even once I am married, G-d will hold my heart and all of my love because He loved me first and He is the only one who will never let me down.


Daily Thanksgiving: I have strengthened my resolve to do what I figured needed to be done. G-d has given me clarity. Through my mom, G-d gave me strong, solid words of wisdom as to how I should handle this mess I have gotten myself into. Yesterday, I got to spend time with my mom and brother, friends I have not seen in a really long time, and also with my friends I hang out with a lot. Guys, I have loads of friends! True friends that care about me, not about what I can do for them. My mema is safe at home. I studied yesterday. I got a couple new shirts... Most of all I have Shalom (peace) in my heart. Also, I have started getting right with G-d. He opened up our communication line that I had packed with things of this world, and He is talking to me loud and clear (metaphorically speaking, I don't really here an audible voice because I would pee my pants...)

Crazy Weekend

First of all, Shabbat Shalom!

I'm shaking up this arrangement from the normal way I write my posts because I have so much to say, so there is a list highlighting what I am talking about and explanations. This is so you don't have to read the whole thing, if you don't want, because I write a lot!

Daily Thanksgivings:
1) I completed the full set of stairs (a ridiculous hike)
2) met an OB/GYN who is going to let me shadow her!
3) have a job 
4) made new friends and got to do some "team" bonding
5) my friends and I played hide-and-seek
6) I got to teach my friend how to drive my stick-shift

As a suddenly ambitious and newly social person, I decided to go on a hike today. Mind you, this was not a typical strolling through the woods type of hike. This was nearly a million steps, going up the side of a mountain which is about a mile up. I went in a group of about 7 (including me) and I was the last one up, but I made it! Also, it took me two hours and my friends had to wait at the top for a long time... the one person that made it up the fastest waited an hour for me. But he is a beast! Two of my girlfriends were with him and I have no clue how they managed that. But some people make it up in under 20 minutes! How on earth can anyone do that?! Anyway, I had some awesome guys that stayed behind and waited while I moved at a glacial pace. One guy is a really close friend and the other one was an acquaintance, but this whole ordeal was an excellent team bonding experience. If anyone has a chance to climb a million and three stares, do it. I'm super out of shape and almost turned around half way up the hike, but I had great friends and the good kind of peer pressure to reach the top of this ridiculous flight of stairs.

Now, on Friday, I went to a networking banquet at school for people who are pre-health (pre-med, pre-vet, pre-physical therapy, pre-dentistry, etc.). You probably know that I am a nursing student, and that wasn't technically allowed... but my friend asked me to go with her so we fudged and said I was interested in  pre-physicians assistant, seeing as they don't have any category for nursing or Midwifery. Anyway, there were only 1-2 doctors out of the 18 or so guests who are professionals in one of the medical fields mentioned above. One of the doctors was an OB/GYN. She was so nice! She started as a CNA, then got her BSN (RN), then went to med school and is now a doctor. I am so beyond stoked, after talking to her, to become a midwife you have no idea. Some doctors aren't even super cool with midwifes, but she was excited I was going down that road. Even though there were 3-4 other girls talking to her with me, she kept turning the conversation back to me. Guys, she even said she would let me watch a live, vaginal birth and even a c-section!!! I'm not even in clinicals yet and she is going to let me shadow her and watch these things. I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am and how happy I am that I snuck into that banquet. G-d is totally putting people in my path and He is encouraging me in the most surprising and excellent ways.

Tomorrow, I go back to work for the first time in 2 weekends and three weeks. I am super nervous and scared, but I'm praying that it goes well. At least I don't have to wear a mask tomorrow! That's a plus.

For those of you who are in college or have gone to college, you probably know that college students act like little kids again. We (some of us, me included) play outside on almost a daily basis, play silly pool games and we do all sorts of other things that we had probably not done since the second grade. Regardless, we have a blast! Hide-and-seek was so much fun last night, then we played pickle (aka sardines) which is like the opposite of hide-and-seek. But it was a blast playing on campus! We are supposed to be adults but hat is definitely not how we act sometimes. One friend even hid so well that we were all looking for him for nearly an hour. That's crazy! Thankfully we had phones so we were texting him the whole time, but goodness!

After the crazy hike today, I also taught my friend how to drive my stick-shift car. He did so amazingly well. He didn't stall at all except for one time when he was trying to start out in 1st gear on a hill, which is really hard to do when you first start out. I am so proud of him, he did such a great job!!!

So, that was my weekend... How was yours?

The Return of Cynicism

Y'all, I don't know if it is a mineral imbalance, or a hormonal imbalance, or just general mental problems but my cynicism is returning with a vengeance! For a few months I have been more hopeful than normal, I have tolerated romantic movies and country music fairly well, but not any longer. Maybe it is because I quit watching and listening to all of those things cold-turkey, or maybe my depression is returning. So many things could be causing this, but it is quite unfortunate and quite annoying that I cannot control my own thinking.

For those of you that do not know what cynicism (because I did not know until a few weeks ago, even though several people have told me I am cynical), here is the definition according to www.thefreedictionary.com: " An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others."

What caused me to be this way in the first place? I am not sure. Maybe it was all of the people whom I trusted as friends that turned out to not be my friend. It could be from me learning that I cannot trust people for anything, no matter the circumstance. Perhaps I am just paranoid, though it seems there should be a cause... I am just not sure. So, in the meantime, I am working on it. Does anyone else struggle with general distrust of EVERYONE? Do you have any tips for me?

Moving on: I went to an RA meeting/group observance thing today. It was kind of strange because they split us up into big groups of 16 or so, then observe us as we work together in a group to accomplish tasks. This requires a significant amount of ability to be heard and to speak up. Haha, I do not necessarily have these qualities. I do have good ideas, I am just not so good at knowing when others will stop talking so I can share them because I was taught to not talk over people because it is rude. L-rd willing, my proper manners will not get in the way of an RA job. But, again, that depends on whether G-d wants me to be an RA or not.

Daily Thanksgiving: The RA meeting thing ended 3 hours early, just like I had prayed for it to end! It's crazy the ways G-d answers prayers! Absolutely amazing. I got to spend time with my friends just being able to do nothing but talk and watch silly YouTube videos. I love Shabbat. Than reminds me... Shabbat Shalom!

Lazy Day

Shabbat Shalom! Well, it's the end of Shabbat, but doesn't hurt to say it.

Today was beautiful. It feels like spring even though we just had a blizzard a few days ago and they are calling for another one tonight. It doesn't look like it will snow, and I sure hope it doesn't because I have work at 6:30 tomorrow morning. Even with the beautiful weather, I stayed in my dorm room and relaxed all day. Read the Torah, Haftarah and Brit Haddasha portions this morning, then relaxed. I cannot imagine life without Sabbath anymore. It is truly a day when I am able to renew my strength for the coming week. For those of you who do not have a true day of rest, seriously consider taking it up. It was commanded as a day to restore and rejuvenate us, why not obey G-d and benefit from the blessing of Shabbat?

Update on my friend: He may be upset with me now, or I may be over-thinking everything. Nothing happened, we were just texting and I sent something that was improperly worded, but when I apologized, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about... I don't know what's going on. But it has made me think and rethink my plans for marriage and dating. These plans are super conservative and old-fashioned. I want my future boyfriend to ask my dad before he takes me on a date or even asks me out. He also must be friend first. I want to wait to have our first kiss at our wedding. I do not want to ever date anyone that is not serious about G-d. My future boyfriend/husband truly has to be in love with G-d before he can even think about me. I want him to go to G-d for everything, and be more in love with Ad-nai than he is with me. I do not want to start dating until junior year at the earliest and I don't plan to get married until I am graduated from college. These conditions/desires are just the tip of the iceberg. they may seem unrealistic and absurd, but these are things I believe have been pressed upon my heard by Ha-Shem (look up the meaning of this name for G-d, it's really cool!). These are ways to insure the purity and safety of my heart. They are also to ensure that the man I end up dating and possibly marrying, is the one that G-d has chosen for me.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's short and sweet today... I am thankful for Shabbat and G-d's protection over every part of me, especially my heart.

Two Tests, One Week

Shabbat Shalom! I know it is the end of Shabbat (Sabbath), but I have not gotten to say that to anyone this Shabbat and that is one of my favorite things to do. I seriously look forward to that all week, that's how exciting my life is. Any-who...

In college, it just so happens that every class has a test has to be taken within the same week as every other test, that's just how it works. So I had two tests this week, both for A&P with only 2-4 hours to study for each one. This is because I got notification of my room change Monday and you only get 48 hours to move everything. G-d kept me from failing them completely though. I got a B on the lecture exam and a C on the lab practical, which really bums me out. Next week, I get to take 2 more tests! (That was sarcasm, it doesn't translate through writing very well.) At least they are for classes I understand, psych and chem. Well, I think I understand them, until I get my test and grades back.

In brighter news, I went to a Rotic party. Ya, sounds weird right? It was so fun! They named it Rotic because it is romantic without the "man". Only girls were invited, many of us single, and all of us got to be goofy and girly together. We decorated cupcakes and watched a movie. So, even though I despise Valentine's Day (it would take too long to explain here), I had a blast at this VD themed party with amazing girls. We even passed out Valentine's like we were back in grade school!

Daily Thanksgiving: Today I am thankful for Shabbat. I love that I relax, don't work, don't study, don't buy stuff. I just sleep and take it easy. This is such an amazing change from the craziness of the entire week that I don't know how I ever lived without observing it. I am also thankful for the amazing friends G-d has put into my life. Finally I am meeting people that share many of my same quirks. I have never met so may genuinely kind people before. This is so refreshing after the problems with my roommates and other girls in the past. These girls get me! They crochet, knit, watch the same redneck t.v. shows I do, they were raised in the same way I was and they have lived lives so much like mine it's kinda scary. I am also very thankful for you. Yes, you. I do not know who you are, but you have been put on earth for a reason and you have stumbled across this blog for a reason.