The End of Me

I got a 68% on my Micro test. My professor then adjusted our grades so now I have a 72%, but still! I studied pretty hard for this test but her questions come out of left field. Well, I took the chapter test and the lab practical (I still don't know what I got on the lab practical though). I hope G-d pulls a miracle and gets me an A, but I seriously don't see how that would be possible. I know that G-d could pull a miracle and give me an A if He wanted to though. He parted the sea, brought the dead to life, and did so many things that are not logically possible for us mere humans, so I know that He could change a measily little grade if He wanted to. Truth is, I was such a slacker this semester. Unfortunately my procrastination skills have caught up with me and now I feel stupid because I got 2 D's (now "fixed" to C's in the grade book) in one class. The saddest part is that this is the only class I am taking right now! I should have had time to focus and really learn the material, but did I? No.

So, I am very sad and frustrated with myself. In psychology we learned that when one thing goes wrong, you typically will view more things as going wrong in your life. That is certainly happening with me right now. On top of the stress of me getting bad grades, I am now regretting ever saying that I would go to the movies with country boy. I regret leading the girls at work on by joking with them about my favorite LPN's brother dating me. I regret ruining my relationship with my best friend by telling him I liked him back when he revealed his feelings for me. I regret being so introverted that I push everyone away. I regret ever reading to or responding to my ex-roommates original text from a few days ago. I regret over staying my welcome at my friends house this summer and opening my big fat mouth about one of her secrets in front of the person she was trying to keep the secret from. I regret listening to country music, watching love story shows, and reading romance novels because they all skewed my thoughts from the pure thoughts G-d had kept in my brain. I despise the fact that I want a boyfriend right now. The list goes on for at least another 1749834 paragraphs, but I will spare you the agony of reading about my bad decisions.

Would I change my past? I think I would change some things, but who knows how I would have turned out if I had changed those things? Life is pointless as supported by Ecclesiastes. I love that book! If you haven't read it, read it. It's one of my top 5 favorites of the Bible and it is delightfully cynical and absolutely fantastic! When I first read that book, I couldn't believe that someone so long ago had the same distrust and confusion about the meaning of everything that I did. Of course, logically it makes sense because there is nothing new under the sun. However, I have been called weird by so many people when I tell them what is really going on in my head, it was so nice to have G-d show me that I'm not the biggest freak ever, other people think like me too.

Daily Thanksgiving: I finished my test and I only have 1 test standing in between me and the end of microbiology. I am not a total nutcase who is so completely strange that nobody ever thinks like me about life. I am not defined by my regrets or mistakes. Summer is nearly over which means that nursing school will begin and my life will hopefully regain some type of normalcy and/or slight calmness. Very little, if any, I'm sure. I don't work this Sunday! Having a few boys like me makes me feel like a catch even if I know it won't work out with any of them. I suppose it's okay to feel valuable, wanted, and pretty sometimes. Maybe...