On a very short, completely unrelated note to anything else I normally talk about...
I've been getting a lot of spam emails to an account my exfiance tries to contact me on. What do you think the chances are that he's giving my email out just to fuck with me and make me get a bunch of spam? I don't give out that email anymore.
Some days I wish I would have never met exBF or exfiance. Those fuckers ruined my life, permanently. But you know what? I'm doing my best to rebuild it so that they would never recognize me and they won't be able to find me! I'm living a real-life nightmare.
Never in a million years would I have guessed I would be here, but here I am, doing the best I can with what I've been given. And hey, some would even say I've gone from merely surviving, to learning how to begin thriving.
Y'all keep strong. Life's 100% terminal, though some days that's not helpful.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Moving On
Y'all, I woke up at about 0600 this morning with the thought that I only have 3 days living in Home State before I move...
All of a sudden, I couldn't sleep anymore.
Folks, it is summer and I just graduated from college. I should be sleeping in! Regardless, having blinds in my mom's RV (where I'm presently living with her) that do not keep sun out definitely contribute to the natural decline in melatonin once sunlight begins invading the bedroom. Thanks science! Haha, just kidding.
The past couple of weeks, I've been trying to get my NCLEX testing scheduled down there, got a house, working on getting my paperwork for my new NICU job completed and to who it goes to, and tying up various loose ends.
Well, the government takes awhile after they get the info via snail mail from my school. It doesn't help that I'm going to another state. I'm strapped for cash because I haven't worked since Christmas. I've been ridiculously antsy the past few weeks with nothing scheduled to do. I need to start working!
Oh L-rd, let the paperwork get done way faster than it normally would! Help me to get in and start working so that I can get a paycheck! L-rd, please provide for me so that I can pay m bills and get my responsibilities taken care of!!!
My mom recently reminded me that everything He does or doesn't do is an opportunity to build faith. He gives us desires in our heart, then fulfills them to show us that it was Him working the whole time.
Sometimes, He lets us look at houses for 3 days straight, in order to show us how bad it could be, before He finally provides a wonderful house with an amazing landlord team at the very last minute!
Sometimes, He allows us to be at the end of our funds and the end of our rope to show that He provides everything and that He allowed us to have enough funds to make it to our present situation. Granted, that can sometimes be misconstrued, but G-d gave me enough funds through school to be able to live comfortably and not have to work the final semester while I was going through counseling and getting finished with school! I am so very grateful for that because I don't think I could have finished school while working and dealing with the things counseling brought up.
G-d provided me with the perfect counselor for me, that was great with working with me where I was as I continued to heal. I was blessed with someone who did not make me rehash the same memories over and over, but allowed me to talk about them as I needed, while focusing on coping skills and rational thinking.
I was blessed with friendships that grew and faded over time, as was needed for me at any specific point in time.
The L-rd is orchestrating and leading my life. I get into trouble when I start trying to get Him to go my way, but He hasn't given up on me yet.
So, I move on Friday/Saturday. Dad borrowed a stock trailer and truck from my uncle and he and my mom will help me pack it up, drive there (across 2-3 states), then unload and get settled. Things that used to stress me or that would have stressed me before are no longer a huge deal. I was blessed by many family friends with gifts of $100 each, and one lady prayerfully decided to gift me with $500. When I opened the card and saw the check, I thought it was too much! Looking at my money situation right now... it looks like it is going to be just the right amount. And it left me floored.
If you so feel compelled, pray with me for blessings in my new adventures...
L-rd, I need protection, favor, speedy government paper processing, and I could really use some funds! Thank you L-rd for your incredible blessings and for allowing me to be able to start seeing the many "little" miracles that show me you are still very real and very present in my life. I am constantly amazed at the ways you work on a daily basis and show me that you are still trying to lead and help me. Baruch HaShem
All of a sudden, I couldn't sleep anymore.
Folks, it is summer and I just graduated from college. I should be sleeping in! Regardless, having blinds in my mom's RV (where I'm presently living with her) that do not keep sun out definitely contribute to the natural decline in melatonin once sunlight begins invading the bedroom. Thanks science! Haha, just kidding.
The past couple of weeks, I've been trying to get my NCLEX testing scheduled down there, got a house, working on getting my paperwork for my new NICU job completed and to who it goes to, and tying up various loose ends.
Well, the government takes awhile after they get the info via snail mail from my school. It doesn't help that I'm going to another state. I'm strapped for cash because I haven't worked since Christmas. I've been ridiculously antsy the past few weeks with nothing scheduled to do. I need to start working!
Oh L-rd, let the paperwork get done way faster than it normally would! Help me to get in and start working so that I can get a paycheck! L-rd, please provide for me so that I can pay m bills and get my responsibilities taken care of!!!
My mom recently reminded me that everything He does or doesn't do is an opportunity to build faith. He gives us desires in our heart, then fulfills them to show us that it was Him working the whole time.
Sometimes, He lets us look at houses for 3 days straight, in order to show us how bad it could be, before He finally provides a wonderful house with an amazing landlord team at the very last minute!
Sometimes, He allows us to be at the end of our funds and the end of our rope to show that He provides everything and that He allowed us to have enough funds to make it to our present situation. Granted, that can sometimes be misconstrued, but G-d gave me enough funds through school to be able to live comfortably and not have to work the final semester while I was going through counseling and getting finished with school! I am so very grateful for that because I don't think I could have finished school while working and dealing with the things counseling brought up.
G-d provided me with the perfect counselor for me, that was great with working with me where I was as I continued to heal. I was blessed with someone who did not make me rehash the same memories over and over, but allowed me to talk about them as I needed, while focusing on coping skills and rational thinking.
I was blessed with friendships that grew and faded over time, as was needed for me at any specific point in time.
The L-rd is orchestrating and leading my life. I get into trouble when I start trying to get Him to go my way, but He hasn't given up on me yet.
So, I move on Friday/Saturday. Dad borrowed a stock trailer and truck from my uncle and he and my mom will help me pack it up, drive there (across 2-3 states), then unload and get settled. Things that used to stress me or that would have stressed me before are no longer a huge deal. I was blessed by many family friends with gifts of $100 each, and one lady prayerfully decided to gift me with $500. When I opened the card and saw the check, I thought it was too much! Looking at my money situation right now... it looks like it is going to be just the right amount. And it left me floored.
If you so feel compelled, pray with me for blessings in my new adventures...
L-rd, I need protection, favor, speedy government paper processing, and I could really use some funds! Thank you L-rd for your incredible blessings and for allowing me to be able to start seeing the many "little" miracles that show me you are still very real and very present in my life. I am constantly amazed at the ways you work on a daily basis and show me that you are still trying to lead and help me. Baruch HaShem
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Thing Are Getting Better!
This last weekend, Mom and I traveled down to Small Town (where I recently got hired) in order to find a house. I was highly encouraged over the past few weeks from looking at Craigslist. On Craigslist, there seemed to be no end to the amount of cute little houses, with backyards, that were available for rent at cheap prices!
I come from a place that has a lot of people migrating here, and house prices are skyrocketing! It's getting so bad that a 1 bedroom apartment needs about 2-10 people living in it, just to make the rent. I'm not even talking about the nice ones! Naturally, this is an exaggeration, but it's also, sadly, not too far from the truth.
So, when online searches produced many, many cute little houses for my dog and I, I was stoked! Pictures were beautiful, they are close to the hospital, and my heart was soaring at the thought of being able to start my life out with a house.
As it turns out, those houses were crap. I don't know when the pictures were taken, but I'd imagine they were taken about 15 years ago when the house used to be in decent condition. By the time I got there, windows were broken, the house smelled like a racoon up and died in the living room, and I was warned several times about mice making their home in my home...
I don't know about you, but these are kind of deal breakers.
So, after 3 days of literally driving up and down every single street... I was about to give up. I tried to stay cheery so that my Mema (who was helping us navigate the town) and my Mom would not know that I was getting irritated and I was passed my wit's end. Mema told me she thought I was taking the news rather well, and that I always seemed to look at the bright side of this situation. Little did she know, I was fixin' to pull out my hair because it was so frustrating!
Regardless, my mom and I decided it would be okay to stay one extra day to keep looking, just in case. At about 6 at night, we ran across this cute little house. It was rough looking on the outside and there was no "for rent" sign out front, just a small add in the local paper. We called the number and asked if he would be willing to meet with us. He told us it would be 30 minutes. Well, we were already about an hour and a half from the time Mema had supper ready, but we had called her earlier to tell her to not wait to eat with us and to warn her we would probably be late. She told us to do what we needed to do and that supper would be there for us when we were ready.
I looked to Mom and told her it would be a half hour as I silently shook my head to see what she wanted to do. She was enthusiastically saying that we needed to at least see the inside of the house, just to be absolutely sure that I didn't want to live there.
We waited the 30 minutes and a gentleman pulled up in a nice SUV with a woman in the passenger seat. He greeted us and opened the door...
Y'all, that house was beautiful! Wood floors, 2 bed/2 bath/2 car garage, BIG backyard (for the dog), a storage shed out back, a family room, a living room, massive closets, and... wait for it... a massive southern country kitchen!!!!! There is a little laundry room, central heat/air (big deal for where I'm headed because it gets hella hot mighty early), and it's in excellent shape. I even have rose bushes out front! This was a silent desire I had, because I love fresh flowers in the house and I want to get into gardening because I keep "craving" to do something with my hands on my "bad" days. Plus, there is a Chick-fil-a that I can see from my backyard!!! All I have to do is open the back door, go through my back gate in my fence that leads to a little alley, and I'm right in the Chick-fil-a parking lot! The fence is an extra high privacy fence so make sure I don't have problems with people peeking in, and the house is in a super quiet, super safe neighborhood close to many of the stores and shops I need. It's also only about 10 minutes from the hospital I'll be working at.
So, we let the guy know that we really liked the house. He gave me an application and told me he would call early the next morning. My mom asked for a $100 rent discount, seeing as this rent is about $200 above what I had originally hoped to spend each month. I told him that I could even sign a 2-year lease agreement if that helped, since I would be signing a 2-year employment agreement with the hospital. *I was offered a 1 or 2 year contract, with differing bonuses. My personally requested sign was that the L-rd would allow me to get a rent discount if I were to sign a 2 year lease.*
He called back next day, just as I was about to call him to let him know my mom and I needed to hit the road so that we could make it back home before my mom's clients came in. He said he would meet us at the house to get the deposit and so we hugged Mema, told her bye, then headed over. While signing, I learned that his business partner used to be a pastor and I believe they both go to church together... So I'm hoping this is a good sign that they'll be good landlords! Please L-rd, let them be good landlords!!!
Anyway, I signed the lease and he gave me the keys!
Y'all, I am so beyond stoked. I will have to work extra days in order to ensure that I can save on top of paying my bills and rent, but I think it will be do-able. I'll just work some extra holidays and make sure to sign up for holidays. The NICU down here has no problem giving over time, because they usually have lots of babies, and then seasons of very few babies. However, being a full-timer, I will have priority in making sure I get my hours in when I am scheduled.
It's one of those times in life where I am overwhelmed with the amount of blessings the L-rd has bestowed upon me in such a short amount of time. I knew He was probably going to wait until the last minute to give me a place that my heart was desiring. He tends to wait until the absolute last minute, while letting me go and see what could be, so that I understand how big of a blessing He is actually giving me. Let me tell you, the stress and frustration was so worth it because He worked it all out absolutely perfectly.
I am blessed. I am humbled. I am completely overwhelmed and shocked at the magnificent gloriousness that G-d works in my life every single day.
I'll keep y'all updated.
I come from a place that has a lot of people migrating here, and house prices are skyrocketing! It's getting so bad that a 1 bedroom apartment needs about 2-10 people living in it, just to make the rent. I'm not even talking about the nice ones! Naturally, this is an exaggeration, but it's also, sadly, not too far from the truth.
So, when online searches produced many, many cute little houses for my dog and I, I was stoked! Pictures were beautiful, they are close to the hospital, and my heart was soaring at the thought of being able to start my life out with a house.
As it turns out, those houses were crap. I don't know when the pictures were taken, but I'd imagine they were taken about 15 years ago when the house used to be in decent condition. By the time I got there, windows were broken, the house smelled like a racoon up and died in the living room, and I was warned several times about mice making their home in my home...
I don't know about you, but these are kind of deal breakers.
So, after 3 days of literally driving up and down every single street... I was about to give up. I tried to stay cheery so that my Mema (who was helping us navigate the town) and my Mom would not know that I was getting irritated and I was passed my wit's end. Mema told me she thought I was taking the news rather well, and that I always seemed to look at the bright side of this situation. Little did she know, I was fixin' to pull out my hair because it was so frustrating!
Regardless, my mom and I decided it would be okay to stay one extra day to keep looking, just in case. At about 6 at night, we ran across this cute little house. It was rough looking on the outside and there was no "for rent" sign out front, just a small add in the local paper. We called the number and asked if he would be willing to meet with us. He told us it would be 30 minutes. Well, we were already about an hour and a half from the time Mema had supper ready, but we had called her earlier to tell her to not wait to eat with us and to warn her we would probably be late. She told us to do what we needed to do and that supper would be there for us when we were ready.
I looked to Mom and told her it would be a half hour as I silently shook my head to see what she wanted to do. She was enthusiastically saying that we needed to at least see the inside of the house, just to be absolutely sure that I didn't want to live there.
We waited the 30 minutes and a gentleman pulled up in a nice SUV with a woman in the passenger seat. He greeted us and opened the door...
Y'all, that house was beautiful! Wood floors, 2 bed/2 bath/2 car garage, BIG backyard (for the dog), a storage shed out back, a family room, a living room, massive closets, and... wait for it... a massive southern country kitchen!!!!! There is a little laundry room, central heat/air (big deal for where I'm headed because it gets hella hot mighty early), and it's in excellent shape. I even have rose bushes out front! This was a silent desire I had, because I love fresh flowers in the house and I want to get into gardening because I keep "craving" to do something with my hands on my "bad" days. Plus, there is a Chick-fil-a that I can see from my backyard!!! All I have to do is open the back door, go through my back gate in my fence that leads to a little alley, and I'm right in the Chick-fil-a parking lot! The fence is an extra high privacy fence so make sure I don't have problems with people peeking in, and the house is in a super quiet, super safe neighborhood close to many of the stores and shops I need. It's also only about 10 minutes from the hospital I'll be working at.
So, we let the guy know that we really liked the house. He gave me an application and told me he would call early the next morning. My mom asked for a $100 rent discount, seeing as this rent is about $200 above what I had originally hoped to spend each month. I told him that I could even sign a 2-year lease agreement if that helped, since I would be signing a 2-year employment agreement with the hospital. *I was offered a 1 or 2 year contract, with differing bonuses. My personally requested sign was that the L-rd would allow me to get a rent discount if I were to sign a 2 year lease.*
He called back next day, just as I was about to call him to let him know my mom and I needed to hit the road so that we could make it back home before my mom's clients came in. He said he would meet us at the house to get the deposit and so we hugged Mema, told her bye, then headed over. While signing, I learned that his business partner used to be a pastor and I believe they both go to church together... So I'm hoping this is a good sign that they'll be good landlords! Please L-rd, let them be good landlords!!!
Anyway, I signed the lease and he gave me the keys!
Y'all, I am so beyond stoked. I will have to work extra days in order to ensure that I can save on top of paying my bills and rent, but I think it will be do-able. I'll just work some extra holidays and make sure to sign up for holidays. The NICU down here has no problem giving over time, because they usually have lots of babies, and then seasons of very few babies. However, being a full-timer, I will have priority in making sure I get my hours in when I am scheduled.
It's one of those times in life where I am overwhelmed with the amount of blessings the L-rd has bestowed upon me in such a short amount of time. I knew He was probably going to wait until the last minute to give me a place that my heart was desiring. He tends to wait until the absolute last minute, while letting me go and see what could be, so that I understand how big of a blessing He is actually giving me. Let me tell you, the stress and frustration was so worth it because He worked it all out absolutely perfectly.
I am blessed. I am humbled. I am completely overwhelmed and shocked at the magnificent gloriousness that G-d works in my life every single day.
I'll keep y'all updated.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Graduation Came and Went, but It Turned Out Happy!
My last post was about how I was all sad at school ending. I had just finished my last final and instead of relief or happiness, I was feeling sad. Well, it's okay. Despite how difficult, frustrating, and down-right draining nursing school was, it was kind of my identity and a time of stressful excitement in my life for the past 3-4 years! The end of that is relieving, in some ways, but I've learned it's okay to be mildly sad at the ending because it's the end of a major life era.
Through nursing school/college I've:
I have talked with several of my friends, both nursing and non-nursing, that graduated with me on Friday, and they are having similar mixed feelings about graduation. Many of us are waking up in a panic because we feel we need to be in class, thought we are done now. Others are sad school is over because some of us are moving to other states and we may never see each other again, let alone every day!
Graduation is a happy time, but it's okay to be overwhelmed, sad, anxious, nervous, and a host of other emotions. Being able to feel all of these is part of what makes us human and helps us concrete these huge monuments in our memory bank.
I'll tell you a bit about how my graduation weekend went, though, just in case you were wondering...
Thursday: Pinning went well. My Mom pinned me, but Mema and Brother were able to go up on stage with me. It was a great ceremony and the Nurse's Pledge really got to me. As I was reading it with my classmates, and my family and friends listened to me promise my life for the career of a nurse, I was able to reflect and realize that nursing is my calling. The pledge sounded like it was written for me!
Friday: Graduation was wonderful! My mom's sister and her husband drove down with us. Then Brother and Dad met us at the event center. Everyone loved my cap, except my peds professor (who I've had serious problems with all semester and who mocked it in front of the other professors to my face!). I put RN but instead of "Registered Nurse" I wrote out "Redneck Nurse" and put it on camo back ground. I'm known as the class redneck and so many of my classmates and friends loved it! What's even better is that when my peds professor was mocking my cap, the other professors chimed in and told me how cute it was and how creative I was to come up with that. So, it made me feel a bit better. I got lots of pictures and had a grand ol' time during graduation. The nursing class was in the back of the graduate seating, and many of us were talking and laughing the whole time because getting through 1000+ students all graduating takes a long time! Many nursing students wore their stethoscopes as cords and I even graduated Cum Laude! I was so close to the next highest gpa, but graduating with honors at all was an accomplishment that I am very proud of.
Saturday: This was the day of my party. Many people RSVP'd, so I got food for about 50-60 people and rented a park. Unfortunately, only 3 of my friends, one of my uncles and his family came, and then two sets of family friends came. Well, my Mom, Dad, and Brother came too. It was cold and rainy, so my dad was surprised that anyone came at all, but the people that did come went out of their way to make sure that someone came to celebrate with me, so I was glad for that. I think I should have planned it for a different weekend, because so many people were having parties that day. However, it was disappointing, yet a good time to practice "spinning" the situation to find the silver lining. The spin is: the people that came are all so very dear to my heart, I was glad to be able to spend lots of time with each of them individually instead of being overwhelmed by the amount of people who showed up.
So, it was a good weekend. My favorite day was graduation. I got so many photos with friends. I shared a lot of smiles and hugs. The whole day fell into place and G-d worked out the whole weekend just the way it was supposed to be. I'm so very glad for that.
Ladies and gents, I would like to present to you... ME! I graduated counseling, nursing school, and I am beginning my adult life with a job right out of college. Life will not be easy by any means, though many days I wish it were. However, I know that sometimes the L-rd blesses others through the struggles I have and the L-rd blesses me through different events, both seemingly good and bad events. Life is a journey. It's hard, fund, and every changing. All we can do is hold on for the ride and pray that someday, our life makes a difference and we learn the lessons we are supposed to learn while here on this earth.
I'm approaching this next phase in my life with cautious optimism. I'm terrified, but I see the L-rd working every day. Most days are still a struggle, but I'm not bed-bound anymore. Even today, when it's cold and cloudy and I have nothing I really need to do, I pulled myself out of bed and got my butt to Starbucks. I'm making baby steps in my healing journey and graduating counseling is proving to be a struggle. However, I know that I can go back to counseling at any time, but it is meant to be a temporary crutch as opposed to a new life-long sentence/expense.
I graduated!
Now I'm: BedpanAlley, BSN!
I have to catch myself, I keep calling myself a nursing student instead of a newly graduated baby-nurse... I'll fix that in time. Maybe someday I'll begin to feel like a nurse, but the learning will never end. Good thing I love to learn, right?
Through nursing school/college I've:
- had countless highs and lows
- gained and lost friends
- was encouraged in my calling
- was told I would never get into the program, and then did get in!
- I went through many traumatic events, all in a 2 year time-span
- learned new things about myself
- lost pieces of what I htought was important about me, but gained new insights and strengths
- learned the basics of how to "be a nurse", according to textbooks
- had countless instructors, patients, friends, and family tell me that I was made to be a nurse
- I've cried and laughed with patients
- cuddled babies
- held the hands of people in the dying process
- celebrated "little" things with patients and families of patients
- been able to care for those who nobody else would touch
- and so much more
I have talked with several of my friends, both nursing and non-nursing, that graduated with me on Friday, and they are having similar mixed feelings about graduation. Many of us are waking up in a panic because we feel we need to be in class, thought we are done now. Others are sad school is over because some of us are moving to other states and we may never see each other again, let alone every day!
Graduation is a happy time, but it's okay to be overwhelmed, sad, anxious, nervous, and a host of other emotions. Being able to feel all of these is part of what makes us human and helps us concrete these huge monuments in our memory bank.
I'll tell you a bit about how my graduation weekend went, though, just in case you were wondering...
Thursday: Pinning went well. My Mom pinned me, but Mema and Brother were able to go up on stage with me. It was a great ceremony and the Nurse's Pledge really got to me. As I was reading it with my classmates, and my family and friends listened to me promise my life for the career of a nurse, I was able to reflect and realize that nursing is my calling. The pledge sounded like it was written for me!
Friday: Graduation was wonderful! My mom's sister and her husband drove down with us. Then Brother and Dad met us at the event center. Everyone loved my cap, except my peds professor (who I've had serious problems with all semester and who mocked it in front of the other professors to my face!). I put RN but instead of "Registered Nurse" I wrote out "Redneck Nurse" and put it on camo back ground. I'm known as the class redneck and so many of my classmates and friends loved it! What's even better is that when my peds professor was mocking my cap, the other professors chimed in and told me how cute it was and how creative I was to come up with that. So, it made me feel a bit better. I got lots of pictures and had a grand ol' time during graduation. The nursing class was in the back of the graduate seating, and many of us were talking and laughing the whole time because getting through 1000+ students all graduating takes a long time! Many nursing students wore their stethoscopes as cords and I even graduated Cum Laude! I was so close to the next highest gpa, but graduating with honors at all was an accomplishment that I am very proud of.
Saturday: This was the day of my party. Many people RSVP'd, so I got food for about 50-60 people and rented a park. Unfortunately, only 3 of my friends, one of my uncles and his family came, and then two sets of family friends came. Well, my Mom, Dad, and Brother came too. It was cold and rainy, so my dad was surprised that anyone came at all, but the people that did come went out of their way to make sure that someone came to celebrate with me, so I was glad for that. I think I should have planned it for a different weekend, because so many people were having parties that day. However, it was disappointing, yet a good time to practice "spinning" the situation to find the silver lining. The spin is: the people that came are all so very dear to my heart, I was glad to be able to spend lots of time with each of them individually instead of being overwhelmed by the amount of people who showed up.
So, it was a good weekend. My favorite day was graduation. I got so many photos with friends. I shared a lot of smiles and hugs. The whole day fell into place and G-d worked out the whole weekend just the way it was supposed to be. I'm so very glad for that.
Ladies and gents, I would like to present to you... ME! I graduated counseling, nursing school, and I am beginning my adult life with a job right out of college. Life will not be easy by any means, though many days I wish it were. However, I know that sometimes the L-rd blesses others through the struggles I have and the L-rd blesses me through different events, both seemingly good and bad events. Life is a journey. It's hard, fund, and every changing. All we can do is hold on for the ride and pray that someday, our life makes a difference and we learn the lessons we are supposed to learn while here on this earth.
I'm approaching this next phase in my life with cautious optimism. I'm terrified, but I see the L-rd working every day. Most days are still a struggle, but I'm not bed-bound anymore. Even today, when it's cold and cloudy and I have nothing I really need to do, I pulled myself out of bed and got my butt to Starbucks. I'm making baby steps in my healing journey and graduating counseling is proving to be a struggle. However, I know that I can go back to counseling at any time, but it is meant to be a temporary crutch as opposed to a new life-long sentence/expense.
I graduated!
Now I'm: BedpanAlley, BSN!
I have to catch myself, I keep calling myself a nursing student instead of a newly graduated baby-nurse... I'll fix that in time. Maybe someday I'll begin to feel like a nurse, but the learning will never end. Good thing I love to learn, right?
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
I thought it would be different...
Well guys, I just finished my last final of nursing school. You wanna know something? I passed! That means I graduate on Friday and I have the opportunity to sit for the NCLEX to see if I get to be a registered nurse or not.
I thought it would be different. I thought I would be so excited, celebrating with my many friends, and I figured I would have a better plan. I thought this was supposed to be a happy affair.
Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop frustrated with my lack of support, my family split, my dreams of a family crushed, regret over my past (guys and friends) encompassing me, stress over legal matters drowning me, and I'm living in an RV with my mom because my roomie "kicked" me out a week and a half early. I'm overwhelmed at the amount of seemingly bad circumstances I have been faced with, still knowing that other people face worse lives than mine.
I "graduated" counseling yesterday. We call it that because I used to tell my counselor that I was graduating a bunch of things all at the same time so we might as well call it graduating from counseling too. She approved and thought it was cute. Well, I fell like after yesterday, I hit new rough waters and now I need her back. Finishing counseling is supposed to be a good thing, but now it left me feeling like I'm not actually ready to face life on my own again just yet. I guess I'll try it for a couple weeks/months and then decide if I need to find another counselor once I move.
Graduation is supposed to be a happy time, but you know what? It's okay if it's a little sad or frustrating for you. It's sad and frustrating for me too.
I thought it would be different. I thought I would be so excited, celebrating with my many friends, and I figured I would have a better plan. I thought this was supposed to be a happy affair.
Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop frustrated with my lack of support, my family split, my dreams of a family crushed, regret over my past (guys and friends) encompassing me, stress over legal matters drowning me, and I'm living in an RV with my mom because my roomie "kicked" me out a week and a half early. I'm overwhelmed at the amount of seemingly bad circumstances I have been faced with, still knowing that other people face worse lives than mine.
I "graduated" counseling yesterday. We call it that because I used to tell my counselor that I was graduating a bunch of things all at the same time so we might as well call it graduating from counseling too. She approved and thought it was cute. Well, I fell like after yesterday, I hit new rough waters and now I need her back. Finishing counseling is supposed to be a good thing, but now it left me feeling like I'm not actually ready to face life on my own again just yet. I guess I'll try it for a couple weeks/months and then decide if I need to find another counselor once I move.
Graduation is supposed to be a happy time, but you know what? It's okay if it's a little sad or frustrating for you. It's sad and frustrating for me too.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
The End of a Good Thing
Roomie and I had a fight today.
Let's start off by saying that I am not the easiest person to live with, but I do try to be accommodating. I know that I have weird quirks and depression and that a lot of people don't understand. I thought Roomie understood and was great at helping, but we lost it somewhere along the way.
The apartment we live in used to be occupied by Roomie and Roomie's mother when the mother and father split up for a short time. The dad moved to Hot State and the mother stayed here in Home State.
After months and months of separation, the mother decided to move to Hot State to be with her husband and they worked it out. Yay!
Unfortunately for Roomie, this left her and her family in a bind. She is one of four children, three girls and a boy. The boy was in Hot State with the dad, but the girls had stayed behind with their mom. Eventually, as the mom decided to move with the dad, the other kids decided to follow suit and they all moved at about the same time.
Roomie, however, had to stay behind in Home State because of nursing school because nursing school credits do not transfer. This means she needed someone to help with the bills.
At the same time that her family was deciding this all out, I was sent a text from ex-roommate (the girl I lived with last year) that she didn't want to live with me anymore. Then I got yelled at by her and her mom for not knowing that she was uncomfortable and then I got yelled at for them making plans and now I wouldn't be paying half the bills... whatever, they made the plans without me and honestly, it's their problem. That sounds calloused and rude, but they were some of those people who throw a fit just to see if they'll get free food at restaurants. Then they get free food. Or they throw a fit and yell and people (their "friends") and then their friends do what they want until the friends can't take their shit anymore and slowly fade away from their lives... I left with a hardcore cut to the ties. What 22 year old girl has to have their mother call and yell at their roommate for things the roommate (me) was never aware of because the girl (ex-roommate) never communicated a single thing? Seriously, pull on your big-girl-panties and cut that fucking umbilical cord.
Back to the story...
I texted a bunch of friends while on summer vacation and quickly found a place to live. Roomie was the first to respond and it sounded like a great deal. She could only afford $500 so she said her family was okay with me only paying that much. I offered more money, several times, for bills and cable but she refused it. Okay, then $500 a month it is.
The first couple nights, one of her sisters was still living at the apartment with us because she hadn't yet finished out her time at her job. Fine, I can handle a couple days with somebody else's family. A few weeks later, Roomie's mother comes back to Home State to visit. Roomie specifically told me that her mother would only stay at our apartment a couple nights of the 3 weeks she was visiting Home State. Well, the mother stayed every single night, in our living room, on the floor, except for 2 nights... OF THE ENTIRE 3 FUCKING WEEKS!!! She would get irritated if I had to go to class early and I disturbed her sleep because I was leaving the apartment or getting coffee. I figured that she could stay in Roomie's room as she was supposed to do, but if she wasn't going to do that then it wasn't my fault that her vacation sleep was ruined by my necessity to go to school and clinicals. The mother was at the apartment watching t.v., cooking, doing her laundry, taking baths (daily), and doing as she normally did when she lived there. Fine, whatever.
She eventually left and life ensued with Roomie, it was great. A few weeks (3-4 weeks) go by and Roomie informs me her mother will be coming to visit again. Again, I get told the mother will not be at our apartment much during her three week stay. Again, she was in the apartment, carrying on with her life as though she had never left. She was there all the time, even when Roomie wasn't there. I get that she is from out of town and wanted to come and visit, but having strangers in my house is incredibly uncomfortable. I gritted my teeth and beared it. They kept wondering about me when I slept too much. They worried when I didn't eat family dinners with them or when I told the mom I had already eaten when she decided to cook a meal and her daughter wasn't even home from clinicals for the day.
Another month later and I was informed again that the mother would be coming for another 2-3 weeks stay. I survived the entire stay with the random people coming through and the mother staying at the apartment and going out as she wished. On the last day, Roomie started setting up for a birthday party at our apartment. I asked who's birthday it was and she said it was her mom's and that they were going to have a party for her and they invited a few of her friends and family members to come over and celebrate. Imagine my surprise that I had not been warned about this, but it was occurring at my house! So I asked nicely, if she wouldn't mind telling me in the future when people were planning on coming over. That way, I wouldn't feel like I needed to be locked in my room because I hadn't gotten a shower that day when there are a billion and five complete strangers and Roomie's mom in the apartment at every moment of the day. She agreed and apologized that it must have been strange to come home from school and have an audience when I thought I was going to have the apartment to myself for a short time.
Life went on and it seemed to get better.
The next month was winter break or something, so Roomie went to Hot State and I got some time off from being with people. Towards the end of the break, she had planned to have her boyfriend come in from Cajun Country to visit her. So, I decided that would be a nice time to go visit my family and give Roomie and her boyfriend some quality time together.
Break ended and two weeks into school. She told me her mother and sister were coming to Home State to come and visit their friends and the sister wanted to see her boyfriend. The rule about warning me before random people came over lasted for a solid two days. Pretty soon they were at the apartment all the time and I spent a lot of time sleeping. Honestly, I had just broken up with exfiance, I was depressed, I was tired from school, I was struggling, and I didn't want to deal with more people that I don't know and I'm not comfortable with! During this stay, the mother mentioned to Roomie that she thought I didn't like her. Naturally, this leads Roomie to feel the need to confront me about the situation because heaven forbid that somebody is simply going through a rough patch in life and cannot pretend to be happy to please somebody's family 24/7. I told her that I was just tired and having a hard time. She let it go, for the time, and I started forcing myself to stay awake, even when I was exhausted, simply because they were over and they wanted everyone to smile and say "hi!" every time they came in the door. I can't remember what I told Roomie, but her mother didn't stay at our apartment as much during that stay, until closer to the end of the stay.
I got another month break and here they come again to Home State. This time, I was assured that the mother would stay with her friend the entire time and would only come over to take the dog on walks. Fine. This, again, was a lie. The mom was over all the time. She would come over, watch t.v., use Roomie's car, take naps in the apartment when Roomie wasn't there but I was, and carry on with her baths. This time, I was over it. I was working on school and overwhelmed, so I kept my door shut so I wouldn't have to make small-talk with this strange woman in my apartment before I even got a chance to shower because she would shower and then turn on every hot water appliance in the house and I would have no hot water. I don't like to see people before I get a shower. Also keep in mind, I was dealing with insomnia, severe PTSD, flashbacks, depression, school, and a whole host of other life problems that do not need some overly cheery lady to be the cherry on top.
I get it, having people who are always happy are a joy in life. However, it is also unsustainable and fake to be always happy. One thing that I've learned is that some people who are always "happy", and there are not many in the world, have no ability to handle real-life events. They ignore the bad and put on a false front so that their appearance looks good to the public. In fact, they cause more problems for themselves because they don't allow anything to be anything more than superficial. What kind of life is that?
So, it's great that she is happy. Awesome for her. For me, I was going through a legit life crisis and I was barely surviving each day without 1) cutting or 2) taking my own life. I'm dead serious about that. In fact, there were some days with Roomie's family being here all the time, that I had to cut because there was no other escape. I would then pop about 8-10 benadryl, 2-3 tylenol, and 4 ibuprofen at noon or whenever I got done with class, and I would sleep the whole rest of the day. That was my escape because I had no time alone and no time to just rest without some stranger, either the mom or her sister or her, in my face and trying to continue on with small talk for hours on end. I don't know about you, but small-talk is a huge waste of my time. I have real thoughts and deep seated opinions. I am a girl who does not talk much because most of the talk seems like fluff. But, if I have something to say you better believe I will try to at least say a little bit, but I won't fight to be heard.
Roomie confronted me after her mom left from that visit and told me, again, that her mom had mentioned that she felt like I didn't like her. Oh my gosh lady, it's okay if not everyone likes you. Also, just because someone can't be around you all the time doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means your a little too much to take in for someone who needs a lot of down time. Seriously, grow up. I didn't say that, I just told her that it's not that I don't like her, I was just going through a lot.
I had another month of peace, then her boyfriend came. The boyfriends spring break was the week before ours so she was in class and clinical all week while I was at home (because I didn't have clinical at that time) with him... alone... after severe trauma from two guys. I let it slide, saying that he really had no place to go. I spent a lot of time shopping and dragging out time I had to go to class. I also went and stayed at my parent's house the weekend he originally got there and the weekend at the end of his stay here to give them time. I didn't think it was fair that I was left with him while she went about her life. Why did she not just schedule for him to visit her a different time? Why didn't she just move her schedule around to be with him more? Why is it okay to just let random strangers that I had legitimately never met before stay at my apartment with me? She didn't even introduce him, she let me introduce myself the next day after she picked him up from the airport because she was gone at class. That was ridiculously uncomfortable. The whole week sucked. I can't take a shower, I can't go to the bathroom, I can't cook, I can't do anything without answering to this guy because he's the guest and I feel like I'm supposed to play hostess to him since she's not ever there. Is that fair or am I just being a bitch?
Fast track maybe two weeks, her mom is back. I did my best to stay busy with clinicals, leaving early and staying late to avoid being home when they were awake. Roomie warned me maybe the first two days about random times when her mom would drop by, but mostly it was a one warning system made it acceptable for the mom to stop by whenever she damn well felt like it for the rest of her fucking trip. I survived it, said hi maybe once but I wasn't being overly nice and I didn't come out of my room, but I left the door open to make sure her mom didn't have hurt feelings because apparently I'm just a heartless meanie pants who doesn't care about other people's feelings. That is my own wording, but it was mentioned that they didn't feel comfortable at the apartment because I was not very inviting and welcoming.
That leads us to today. The mother and one of the sisters flew in on Sunday night. This weekend, I came down with a really bad cold or flu or something. I lost my voice (legit) because I cough so much, but the fever only lasted a couple days. Sunday, I was recovering and I slept all day. Roomie came into my room around noon, upset that I wasn't out in the living room talking to her. I told her that I had been sleeping all day because I was sick and I had told her the day before that I was sick. She went out of my room in a bit of a huff and kept to texting me the rest of the day to "warn" me about her mom and sister's plans for their vacation here. I was told, not asked, that they would be spending Sunday night at our place. A couple minutes later that was retracted and I was told they were just going to come over for a few minutes to visit when their flight got in. Great, do what you want.
The next day I was again told, not asked, that her sister would be spending the night, while her sister was here at the apartment. It's not like I could say no, even if it was a bad time for me, because the sister was there. So I told her okay. Roomie told me that they would stay in her room as to "not bother me". Her exact words. I never told her that I was bothered by them. They can keep the door open and do as they wish, I don't care, just give me a heads up if I need to go find another place to live because you're moving your whole family back into our two bedroom apartment. The night came and passed. Next morning I got a text saying that her mom would be "stopping in to take the dog for a walk with the sister, then they would drop the dog off and go about their day." To me, this sounds like the dog will be here when I get home, but no strangers. Right? Next day, I went to counseling, then I walked around 2 different stores for the next three hours to make sure that enough time was given that I would not be impeding on their plans or their "short" visits that ended up lasting a whole fucking 6 hours, consistently.
By the time I got home, there was loud music playing from Roomie's room, and I kept hearing someone. I texted her and asked if she was home. She said "no." I said "okay, I just keep hearing someone in there and I was wondering if it was you." She said "no, it's my sister and I (Roomie) mentioned she was spending the night last night."
By this time, it was about 4 in the afternoon and the earlier text about her mom taking the dog for a walk sounded like her sister and mom would not be here. When Roomie finally got home, she went into her room and closed her door. I heard her and her sister talking in quiet voices, but they sounded angry. Her sister left, then she came into my room and confronted me about it. I didn't yell, but it was hard to keep my voice level between her beginning to get rialed up and me having a hoarse voice right now. She told me it wasn't fair for me to ask her not to see her family. I told her I am glad that she gets to visit with her family and that they are in town, but I didn't feel like it was fair that the family stays at the apartment without Roomie being there and without even a text to tell me she'll be here when I get home. What if I had been so freaked out that I grabbed my gun? Honestly, I had no way of knowing that there would have been someone that is supposed to be there. I told Roomie that too, that my understanding of the texts was this. She said, "well, I told you she was spending the night!" I responded with, "yes, but I didn't know that means she was going to stay the whole next day." She kept saying something like, "do you expect me to just not see my family? Am I not supposed to have them over and I just have to go out and meet them somewhere because you don't want them over?" I told her "no, I just needed a text to know that someone was going to be home. We agreed on this several months ago and I think it was just a miscommunication, but I had no idea she was going to be here."
That sent her into a bit of a rage. She told me I'm hard to live with and that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me because I don't ever want anyone over. She told me that it's not fair that I go into my room when her family comes over because they think I hate them and it's so terrible that I didn't even go out and say hi to them when they got there. I reminded her that I try to at least say hi and be cordial when they come, but that I've been sick the past two times they've been here and I have stuff going on too and I am overwhelmed by them. Blah, blah, blah, she made the swirly motion with her finger while telling me I was making something up. I finally had the mental ability to tell her that that was not a fair thing to tell me because her family was making up the idea that I hate them. She got mad at me trying to keep the "discussion" fair and she told me her family was going to come over because she wants to spend time with them. I told her I didn't think it was fair that her plans kept changing and that left me with no place to live. I was originally supposed to be able to stay here the night after graduation, because I need to be down here the next day for things that are happening. Then she moved the day to me only being able to stay Thursday night, then she said I couldn't even stay there Thursday night because her family was going to pack up the u-haul and there would be no furniture and her family wanted to all (all other 3 siblings, both of her parents, her boyfriend, and herself) stay there Thursday and Friday nights and she suggested I go stay at Brother's apartment or find another place to stay. She got mad at that too.
The "conversation" ended with me telling her I would have my stuff out by Monday. She said that works since I'll be staying with my mom over the weekend to "help" her. That opened up me confessing that I was only going to Denver so that she could spend time with her family without me making them feel uncomfortable. She didn't talk much after that...
She walked away, and went to her room. A few minutes later, as I went back to packing, she went into the kitchen and started slamming doors, banging dishes, shutting cabinets with such force I'm surprised they didn't fall off the hinges. I continued to pack calmly, waiting for the time that I was finally scheduled to leave to go out with my clinical group for dinner and drinks.
The time came and I had a blast. Mid-way through dinner, Roomie sent me a really long text telling me that she thinks it's a good idea for me to move out early and that she will reimburse me for part of the rent I'll be missing because I'm leaving early. She told me that she is going to focus on enjoying her family and that "she is sorry it ended like this." She also reiterated that I'm difficult to live with and that she has given up a lot to make me more "comfortable" and feels that I am basically being unreasonable in requesting her family to not spend so much time there because they technically do not live here anymore and it's my living place too.
Long story short, I'm moving out tomorrow and not even waiting until Monday. I will be making the hour-long commute for the next couple of weeks for the several days that I have class or other obligations. And, I lost another friend. Someone who I thought was close with me, but dropped me when I was unwilling to give in to her other demands. Normally, I and everyone else give into what she wants because she comes to us crying and I know that I, personally, have not been able to avoid my people-pleasing tendencies... until now. I talked with Counselor about boundaries a couple hours before this whole thing went down and I'm not even really upset. I'm stressed, but it's not as bad as it could be. I talked to Best Friend about it and he told me I'm being reasonable in asking to not have her family practically living here every other month. Honestly, in no roommate situation I've ever been in or seen, has it been okay to have your family come and stay and run the household for weeks at a time while their host is not even there most of the time! This was her first experience with a roommate, but I don't think there are realistic expectations for what a roommate situation will actually look like for her. She is moving in with her boyfriend and his best buddy and that guy's girlfriend... She's not only getting 3 new roommates, but she's moving into a house and will have two couples under one roof. I honestly do not see this ending well, but hey, not my life. She asked my opinion, I told her it sounded like a really bad idea and she told me that she was going to go ahead and do it anyway because she thinks the girl is nice. Well, okay, I hope it works out well for you bud, I truly do.
Dear Roomie,
First of all, know that I have no anger, resentment, or malice in my heart towards you. I also know I have a lot to learn about life still, but I've been on my own for 4 years now. You learn a lot when you finally live with people who are not your family, and in a place where your family is not living and at your beck and call. I've learned a lot and I started off really independent before I moved away from my parents.
In your one year with me, actually like 8 months, you've learned some. Just know that though I may be hard to live with because of my depression/PTSD/trauma/bipolar, but there are worse roommates out there, and they are abundant. Not everyone is going to react as well to your many confrontations as I did. Not everyone will shut down when you yell at them and then give in to you because they have little to no mental functioning due to their traumatic pasts. Not everyone will leave you with a hug, when you ask unreasonable things and then kick them out. Not many people will deal with the amount of your family interaction and time of them hanging out in the house without you being there, as I have. I can promise you that.
I'm hard to deal with because of mental illness and a hermit tendency, but I try my best to listen and to try to understand your frustration and the point of why you're upset, friends don't even always do that! I hope you have nothing but good experiences, but from my short time on earth and the statistics classes I had to take in school, I know that that is not even really probable. I pray that some day, you look back and realize that what I was asking was not crazy, nor was it strange. I want you to understand that even though I'm hard to live with, I was actually a decent roommate who tried with my whole heart to make you happy while staying true to myself. I want you to know that you helped me, but that you also could have asked me to stop talking about things. Granted, you did ask me to stop talking about ex-fiance when I didn't break up with him as you requested. I bent over backwards for you and I hope that someday, you'll see that I really did try and that I really wasn't a bad roommate.
Sincerely,
Your Former Roommate
BedpanAlley
Let's start off by saying that I am not the easiest person to live with, but I do try to be accommodating. I know that I have weird quirks and depression and that a lot of people don't understand. I thought Roomie understood and was great at helping, but we lost it somewhere along the way.
The apartment we live in used to be occupied by Roomie and Roomie's mother when the mother and father split up for a short time. The dad moved to Hot State and the mother stayed here in Home State.
After months and months of separation, the mother decided to move to Hot State to be with her husband and they worked it out. Yay!
Unfortunately for Roomie, this left her and her family in a bind. She is one of four children, three girls and a boy. The boy was in Hot State with the dad, but the girls had stayed behind with their mom. Eventually, as the mom decided to move with the dad, the other kids decided to follow suit and they all moved at about the same time.
Roomie, however, had to stay behind in Home State because of nursing school because nursing school credits do not transfer. This means she needed someone to help with the bills.
At the same time that her family was deciding this all out, I was sent a text from ex-roommate (the girl I lived with last year) that she didn't want to live with me anymore. Then I got yelled at by her and her mom for not knowing that she was uncomfortable and then I got yelled at for them making plans and now I wouldn't be paying half the bills... whatever, they made the plans without me and honestly, it's their problem. That sounds calloused and rude, but they were some of those people who throw a fit just to see if they'll get free food at restaurants. Then they get free food. Or they throw a fit and yell and people (their "friends") and then their friends do what they want until the friends can't take their shit anymore and slowly fade away from their lives... I left with a hardcore cut to the ties. What 22 year old girl has to have their mother call and yell at their roommate for things the roommate (me) was never aware of because the girl (ex-roommate) never communicated a single thing? Seriously, pull on your big-girl-panties and cut that fucking umbilical cord.
Back to the story...
I texted a bunch of friends while on summer vacation and quickly found a place to live. Roomie was the first to respond and it sounded like a great deal. She could only afford $500 so she said her family was okay with me only paying that much. I offered more money, several times, for bills and cable but she refused it. Okay, then $500 a month it is.
The first couple nights, one of her sisters was still living at the apartment with us because she hadn't yet finished out her time at her job. Fine, I can handle a couple days with somebody else's family. A few weeks later, Roomie's mother comes back to Home State to visit. Roomie specifically told me that her mother would only stay at our apartment a couple nights of the 3 weeks she was visiting Home State. Well, the mother stayed every single night, in our living room, on the floor, except for 2 nights... OF THE ENTIRE 3 FUCKING WEEKS!!! She would get irritated if I had to go to class early and I disturbed her sleep because I was leaving the apartment or getting coffee. I figured that she could stay in Roomie's room as she was supposed to do, but if she wasn't going to do that then it wasn't my fault that her vacation sleep was ruined by my necessity to go to school and clinicals. The mother was at the apartment watching t.v., cooking, doing her laundry, taking baths (daily), and doing as she normally did when she lived there. Fine, whatever.
She eventually left and life ensued with Roomie, it was great. A few weeks (3-4 weeks) go by and Roomie informs me her mother will be coming to visit again. Again, I get told the mother will not be at our apartment much during her three week stay. Again, she was in the apartment, carrying on with her life as though she had never left. She was there all the time, even when Roomie wasn't there. I get that she is from out of town and wanted to come and visit, but having strangers in my house is incredibly uncomfortable. I gritted my teeth and beared it. They kept wondering about me when I slept too much. They worried when I didn't eat family dinners with them or when I told the mom I had already eaten when she decided to cook a meal and her daughter wasn't even home from clinicals for the day.
Another month later and I was informed again that the mother would be coming for another 2-3 weeks stay. I survived the entire stay with the random people coming through and the mother staying at the apartment and going out as she wished. On the last day, Roomie started setting up for a birthday party at our apartment. I asked who's birthday it was and she said it was her mom's and that they were going to have a party for her and they invited a few of her friends and family members to come over and celebrate. Imagine my surprise that I had not been warned about this, but it was occurring at my house! So I asked nicely, if she wouldn't mind telling me in the future when people were planning on coming over. That way, I wouldn't feel like I needed to be locked in my room because I hadn't gotten a shower that day when there are a billion and five complete strangers and Roomie's mom in the apartment at every moment of the day. She agreed and apologized that it must have been strange to come home from school and have an audience when I thought I was going to have the apartment to myself for a short time.
Life went on and it seemed to get better.
The next month was winter break or something, so Roomie went to Hot State and I got some time off from being with people. Towards the end of the break, she had planned to have her boyfriend come in from Cajun Country to visit her. So, I decided that would be a nice time to go visit my family and give Roomie and her boyfriend some quality time together.
Break ended and two weeks into school. She told me her mother and sister were coming to Home State to come and visit their friends and the sister wanted to see her boyfriend. The rule about warning me before random people came over lasted for a solid two days. Pretty soon they were at the apartment all the time and I spent a lot of time sleeping. Honestly, I had just broken up with exfiance, I was depressed, I was tired from school, I was struggling, and I didn't want to deal with more people that I don't know and I'm not comfortable with! During this stay, the mother mentioned to Roomie that she thought I didn't like her. Naturally, this leads Roomie to feel the need to confront me about the situation because heaven forbid that somebody is simply going through a rough patch in life and cannot pretend to be happy to please somebody's family 24/7. I told her that I was just tired and having a hard time. She let it go, for the time, and I started forcing myself to stay awake, even when I was exhausted, simply because they were over and they wanted everyone to smile and say "hi!" every time they came in the door. I can't remember what I told Roomie, but her mother didn't stay at our apartment as much during that stay, until closer to the end of the stay.
I got another month break and here they come again to Home State. This time, I was assured that the mother would stay with her friend the entire time and would only come over to take the dog on walks. Fine. This, again, was a lie. The mom was over all the time. She would come over, watch t.v., use Roomie's car, take naps in the apartment when Roomie wasn't there but I was, and carry on with her baths. This time, I was over it. I was working on school and overwhelmed, so I kept my door shut so I wouldn't have to make small-talk with this strange woman in my apartment before I even got a chance to shower because she would shower and then turn on every hot water appliance in the house and I would have no hot water. I don't like to see people before I get a shower. Also keep in mind, I was dealing with insomnia, severe PTSD, flashbacks, depression, school, and a whole host of other life problems that do not need some overly cheery lady to be the cherry on top.
I get it, having people who are always happy are a joy in life. However, it is also unsustainable and fake to be always happy. One thing that I've learned is that some people who are always "happy", and there are not many in the world, have no ability to handle real-life events. They ignore the bad and put on a false front so that their appearance looks good to the public. In fact, they cause more problems for themselves because they don't allow anything to be anything more than superficial. What kind of life is that?
So, it's great that she is happy. Awesome for her. For me, I was going through a legit life crisis and I was barely surviving each day without 1) cutting or 2) taking my own life. I'm dead serious about that. In fact, there were some days with Roomie's family being here all the time, that I had to cut because there was no other escape. I would then pop about 8-10 benadryl, 2-3 tylenol, and 4 ibuprofen at noon or whenever I got done with class, and I would sleep the whole rest of the day. That was my escape because I had no time alone and no time to just rest without some stranger, either the mom or her sister or her, in my face and trying to continue on with small talk for hours on end. I don't know about you, but small-talk is a huge waste of my time. I have real thoughts and deep seated opinions. I am a girl who does not talk much because most of the talk seems like fluff. But, if I have something to say you better believe I will try to at least say a little bit, but I won't fight to be heard.
Roomie confronted me after her mom left from that visit and told me, again, that her mom had mentioned that she felt like I didn't like her. Oh my gosh lady, it's okay if not everyone likes you. Also, just because someone can't be around you all the time doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means your a little too much to take in for someone who needs a lot of down time. Seriously, grow up. I didn't say that, I just told her that it's not that I don't like her, I was just going through a lot.
I had another month of peace, then her boyfriend came. The boyfriends spring break was the week before ours so she was in class and clinical all week while I was at home (because I didn't have clinical at that time) with him... alone... after severe trauma from two guys. I let it slide, saying that he really had no place to go. I spent a lot of time shopping and dragging out time I had to go to class. I also went and stayed at my parent's house the weekend he originally got there and the weekend at the end of his stay here to give them time. I didn't think it was fair that I was left with him while she went about her life. Why did she not just schedule for him to visit her a different time? Why didn't she just move her schedule around to be with him more? Why is it okay to just let random strangers that I had legitimately never met before stay at my apartment with me? She didn't even introduce him, she let me introduce myself the next day after she picked him up from the airport because she was gone at class. That was ridiculously uncomfortable. The whole week sucked. I can't take a shower, I can't go to the bathroom, I can't cook, I can't do anything without answering to this guy because he's the guest and I feel like I'm supposed to play hostess to him since she's not ever there. Is that fair or am I just being a bitch?
Fast track maybe two weeks, her mom is back. I did my best to stay busy with clinicals, leaving early and staying late to avoid being home when they were awake. Roomie warned me maybe the first two days about random times when her mom would drop by, but mostly it was a one warning system made it acceptable for the mom to stop by whenever she damn well felt like it for the rest of her fucking trip. I survived it, said hi maybe once but I wasn't being overly nice and I didn't come out of my room, but I left the door open to make sure her mom didn't have hurt feelings because apparently I'm just a heartless meanie pants who doesn't care about other people's feelings. That is my own wording, but it was mentioned that they didn't feel comfortable at the apartment because I was not very inviting and welcoming.
That leads us to today. The mother and one of the sisters flew in on Sunday night. This weekend, I came down with a really bad cold or flu or something. I lost my voice (legit) because I cough so much, but the fever only lasted a couple days. Sunday, I was recovering and I slept all day. Roomie came into my room around noon, upset that I wasn't out in the living room talking to her. I told her that I had been sleeping all day because I was sick and I had told her the day before that I was sick. She went out of my room in a bit of a huff and kept to texting me the rest of the day to "warn" me about her mom and sister's plans for their vacation here. I was told, not asked, that they would be spending Sunday night at our place. A couple minutes later that was retracted and I was told they were just going to come over for a few minutes to visit when their flight got in. Great, do what you want.
The next day I was again told, not asked, that her sister would be spending the night, while her sister was here at the apartment. It's not like I could say no, even if it was a bad time for me, because the sister was there. So I told her okay. Roomie told me that they would stay in her room as to "not bother me". Her exact words. I never told her that I was bothered by them. They can keep the door open and do as they wish, I don't care, just give me a heads up if I need to go find another place to live because you're moving your whole family back into our two bedroom apartment. The night came and passed. Next morning I got a text saying that her mom would be "stopping in to take the dog for a walk with the sister, then they would drop the dog off and go about their day." To me, this sounds like the dog will be here when I get home, but no strangers. Right? Next day, I went to counseling, then I walked around 2 different stores for the next three hours to make sure that enough time was given that I would not be impeding on their plans or their "short" visits that ended up lasting a whole fucking 6 hours, consistently.
By the time I got home, there was loud music playing from Roomie's room, and I kept hearing someone. I texted her and asked if she was home. She said "no." I said "okay, I just keep hearing someone in there and I was wondering if it was you." She said "no, it's my sister and I (Roomie) mentioned she was spending the night last night."
By this time, it was about 4 in the afternoon and the earlier text about her mom taking the dog for a walk sounded like her sister and mom would not be here. When Roomie finally got home, she went into her room and closed her door. I heard her and her sister talking in quiet voices, but they sounded angry. Her sister left, then she came into my room and confronted me about it. I didn't yell, but it was hard to keep my voice level between her beginning to get rialed up and me having a hoarse voice right now. She told me it wasn't fair for me to ask her not to see her family. I told her I am glad that she gets to visit with her family and that they are in town, but I didn't feel like it was fair that the family stays at the apartment without Roomie being there and without even a text to tell me she'll be here when I get home. What if I had been so freaked out that I grabbed my gun? Honestly, I had no way of knowing that there would have been someone that is supposed to be there. I told Roomie that too, that my understanding of the texts was this. She said, "well, I told you she was spending the night!" I responded with, "yes, but I didn't know that means she was going to stay the whole next day." She kept saying something like, "do you expect me to just not see my family? Am I not supposed to have them over and I just have to go out and meet them somewhere because you don't want them over?" I told her "no, I just needed a text to know that someone was going to be home. We agreed on this several months ago and I think it was just a miscommunication, but I had no idea she was going to be here."
That sent her into a bit of a rage. She told me I'm hard to live with and that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me because I don't ever want anyone over. She told me that it's not fair that I go into my room when her family comes over because they think I hate them and it's so terrible that I didn't even go out and say hi to them when they got there. I reminded her that I try to at least say hi and be cordial when they come, but that I've been sick the past two times they've been here and I have stuff going on too and I am overwhelmed by them. Blah, blah, blah, she made the swirly motion with her finger while telling me I was making something up. I finally had the mental ability to tell her that that was not a fair thing to tell me because her family was making up the idea that I hate them. She got mad at me trying to keep the "discussion" fair and she told me her family was going to come over because she wants to spend time with them. I told her I didn't think it was fair that her plans kept changing and that left me with no place to live. I was originally supposed to be able to stay here the night after graduation, because I need to be down here the next day for things that are happening. Then she moved the day to me only being able to stay Thursday night, then she said I couldn't even stay there Thursday night because her family was going to pack up the u-haul and there would be no furniture and her family wanted to all (all other 3 siblings, both of her parents, her boyfriend, and herself) stay there Thursday and Friday nights and she suggested I go stay at Brother's apartment or find another place to stay. She got mad at that too.
The "conversation" ended with me telling her I would have my stuff out by Monday. She said that works since I'll be staying with my mom over the weekend to "help" her. That opened up me confessing that I was only going to Denver so that she could spend time with her family without me making them feel uncomfortable. She didn't talk much after that...
She walked away, and went to her room. A few minutes later, as I went back to packing, she went into the kitchen and started slamming doors, banging dishes, shutting cabinets with such force I'm surprised they didn't fall off the hinges. I continued to pack calmly, waiting for the time that I was finally scheduled to leave to go out with my clinical group for dinner and drinks.
The time came and I had a blast. Mid-way through dinner, Roomie sent me a really long text telling me that she thinks it's a good idea for me to move out early and that she will reimburse me for part of the rent I'll be missing because I'm leaving early. She told me that she is going to focus on enjoying her family and that "she is sorry it ended like this." She also reiterated that I'm difficult to live with and that she has given up a lot to make me more "comfortable" and feels that I am basically being unreasonable in requesting her family to not spend so much time there because they technically do not live here anymore and it's my living place too.
Long story short, I'm moving out tomorrow and not even waiting until Monday. I will be making the hour-long commute for the next couple of weeks for the several days that I have class or other obligations. And, I lost another friend. Someone who I thought was close with me, but dropped me when I was unwilling to give in to her other demands. Normally, I and everyone else give into what she wants because she comes to us crying and I know that I, personally, have not been able to avoid my people-pleasing tendencies... until now. I talked with Counselor about boundaries a couple hours before this whole thing went down and I'm not even really upset. I'm stressed, but it's not as bad as it could be. I talked to Best Friend about it and he told me I'm being reasonable in asking to not have her family practically living here every other month. Honestly, in no roommate situation I've ever been in or seen, has it been okay to have your family come and stay and run the household for weeks at a time while their host is not even there most of the time! This was her first experience with a roommate, but I don't think there are realistic expectations for what a roommate situation will actually look like for her. She is moving in with her boyfriend and his best buddy and that guy's girlfriend... She's not only getting 3 new roommates, but she's moving into a house and will have two couples under one roof. I honestly do not see this ending well, but hey, not my life. She asked my opinion, I told her it sounded like a really bad idea and she told me that she was going to go ahead and do it anyway because she thinks the girl is nice. Well, okay, I hope it works out well for you bud, I truly do.
Dear Roomie,
First of all, know that I have no anger, resentment, or malice in my heart towards you. I also know I have a lot to learn about life still, but I've been on my own for 4 years now. You learn a lot when you finally live with people who are not your family, and in a place where your family is not living and at your beck and call. I've learned a lot and I started off really independent before I moved away from my parents.
In your one year with me, actually like 8 months, you've learned some. Just know that though I may be hard to live with because of my depression/PTSD/trauma/bipolar, but there are worse roommates out there, and they are abundant. Not everyone is going to react as well to your many confrontations as I did. Not everyone will shut down when you yell at them and then give in to you because they have little to no mental functioning due to their traumatic pasts. Not everyone will leave you with a hug, when you ask unreasonable things and then kick them out. Not many people will deal with the amount of your family interaction and time of them hanging out in the house without you being there, as I have. I can promise you that.
I'm hard to deal with because of mental illness and a hermit tendency, but I try my best to listen and to try to understand your frustration and the point of why you're upset, friends don't even always do that! I hope you have nothing but good experiences, but from my short time on earth and the statistics classes I had to take in school, I know that that is not even really probable. I pray that some day, you look back and realize that what I was asking was not crazy, nor was it strange. I want you to understand that even though I'm hard to live with, I was actually a decent roommate who tried with my whole heart to make you happy while staying true to myself. I want you to know that you helped me, but that you also could have asked me to stop talking about things. Granted, you did ask me to stop talking about ex-fiance when I didn't break up with him as you requested. I bent over backwards for you and I hope that someday, you'll see that I really did try and that I really wasn't a bad roommate.
Sincerely,
Your Former Roommate
BedpanAlley
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Overwhelmed, but Not Stressed
This weekend was an odd one. It's the one actual weekend where I can point to on a calendar and show people that my family fell apart. I went back home to help my parents move, this last weekend. They've been talking about separating for years, but they never actually go through with it because they somehow find a need for each other, usually financially.
Well, this time, it actually happened. Mom bought an RV a couple months back and Dad told her he refused to live in it. Long story short, the landlord for their house decided she wanted to now sell the house instead of renting it out anymore, so she gave them 30 days notice. Dad found an apartment and Mom found a place to park her RV.
At first, when I was told about 6 months ago that they were talking about splitting up, I was relieved. I know that this relationship has been hard on both of them, and they only really stayed together for us kids (my brother and I) but that's not fair. As the date approached, I started getting more stressed. Then the anticipation led to fear and all of a sudden I felt like my whole family was going every-which-way and that I would be all alone, in a big ol' world, to fend for myself. *Flip BedpanAlley's panic attack switch...*
It was rough going for me for awhile. After talking with Counselor about it, I ended up realizing that my parent's relationship wasn't the only thing that I was losing. I felt I was losing touch with family, I was losing my home, I am coming to the end of school, I'm losing "friends", I'm moving to another state in a month or two, I'm having to start a new job, and I am on the brink of a complete life turnover. That's intense. I don't know if you've gone through things like this, but man alive is it hard. Plus, I'm "graduating" from counseling, which has been one of only a couple steady relationships that I've ever had in my life. So, lots of bitter-sweet things happening.
Well, since my parents have been living apart for the past 2-3 days, they both call me almost every day to check on me. Granted, that's because I'm sick. However, they both sound happier and lighter. Sure, I'm certain they might be sad, but I think they figured out their feelings awhile ago and dealt with those while still living with each other. Granted, they are only living separately. My Dad went over and helped my Mom hook up her RV at the little park place. Dad is still going to go back to help finish setting her up. Mom is still going to be nice to Dad and probably continue to give him haircuts. The only thing that is different is that they don't live under the same roof or pay bills together anymore. It's super weird, but hey, if it works for them it works for me. They are talking nicer to and about each other and they're keeping nice because they like each other as friends, but can't handle staying together all the time without kid buffers. That's a normal developmental stage, according to some psychologist that I was supposed to learn about in my Pediatric Nursing Class... that I don't pay attention to... because I'm coloring in the back...
So, whatever. It only made me cry a couple times when thinking about it. However, once I think about it even more and look at the good in the situation, it's much easier to see that this is just something that needed to happen and that it was actually a good thing.
People keep snapping at me. Maybe I'm just that irritating or maybe everyone's just stressed. It could be a combination. Honestly, everyone can be irritating if someone is already stressed. The thing about snapping at me is that you can't simply slap a "sorry" on it and make the whole thing better. I shut down when someone yells at me, in any capacity. It's something I've always done and I am working my hardest to get past it, but it may be one of those roadblocks that I never fully get over.
For those of you who love someone or know someone who has been a victim of sexual assault, an abusive (in any sense of the term) relationship, or comes from a tough childhood background, please be extra cognizant of how you treat them. Some of us in this world have been given a lot of people who push us into the ground. In order to survive, our fight or flight has been molded into more of a shelter in place and become as small as possible. Don't mistake this as weakness, understand that this was our survival tool that kept us from more trouble than we had already experienced. We can still take "criticism" and you can still fully express yourself to us, but be gentle. Remember to think about what you actually need to and intend to say, and say it calmly. Make sure not to make personal attacks, but communicate clearly and logically. We need time to process, in many cases, before we can be able to respond. Do not demand an answer right away, because we may not have one for you yet. If you open up the talk as more of a conversation where we can be heard too, things will go smoother. Then, just know that we may be more reserved and quiet for a few days or a few weeks. Be patient with us. Many of us have learned that trying to have our voice heard about issues only causes more problems for us so we have a tendency to avoid conflict and be slow to warm up. Pick your battles. If it is something that is not a huge deal and you can handle it for awhile longer, please do so. Even better, learn to drop it. If it is something that needs to be addressed, address one or two things at a time and don't bombard us with a huge list of things that we do wrong. We'll see that as us being a failure and that you don't like/love us anymore. Trust me, we know what pisses everyone off about us and we do our best to not do those things. Some things are unavoidable and we are flight risks. It doesn't take much to set me off and shut me down for weeks. Something as little as a 3 second snap at me can cause huge problems for weeks that I have to work through.
So please, just be cognizant that some of us have a hard time with communication and with our thinking process. It's not that we're dumb or incapable of discussing things with you, sometimes we just need more time than people who have learned how to be able to discuss or fight for themselves. We haven't necessarily gotten the opportunities to learn how to do that.
Well, this time, it actually happened. Mom bought an RV a couple months back and Dad told her he refused to live in it. Long story short, the landlord for their house decided she wanted to now sell the house instead of renting it out anymore, so she gave them 30 days notice. Dad found an apartment and Mom found a place to park her RV.
At first, when I was told about 6 months ago that they were talking about splitting up, I was relieved. I know that this relationship has been hard on both of them, and they only really stayed together for us kids (my brother and I) but that's not fair. As the date approached, I started getting more stressed. Then the anticipation led to fear and all of a sudden I felt like my whole family was going every-which-way and that I would be all alone, in a big ol' world, to fend for myself. *Flip BedpanAlley's panic attack switch...*
It was rough going for me for awhile. After talking with Counselor about it, I ended up realizing that my parent's relationship wasn't the only thing that I was losing. I felt I was losing touch with family, I was losing my home, I am coming to the end of school, I'm losing "friends", I'm moving to another state in a month or two, I'm having to start a new job, and I am on the brink of a complete life turnover. That's intense. I don't know if you've gone through things like this, but man alive is it hard. Plus, I'm "graduating" from counseling, which has been one of only a couple steady relationships that I've ever had in my life. So, lots of bitter-sweet things happening.
Well, since my parents have been living apart for the past 2-3 days, they both call me almost every day to check on me. Granted, that's because I'm sick. However, they both sound happier and lighter. Sure, I'm certain they might be sad, but I think they figured out their feelings awhile ago and dealt with those while still living with each other. Granted, they are only living separately. My Dad went over and helped my Mom hook up her RV at the little park place. Dad is still going to go back to help finish setting her up. Mom is still going to be nice to Dad and probably continue to give him haircuts. The only thing that is different is that they don't live under the same roof or pay bills together anymore. It's super weird, but hey, if it works for them it works for me. They are talking nicer to and about each other and they're keeping nice because they like each other as friends, but can't handle staying together all the time without kid buffers. That's a normal developmental stage, according to some psychologist that I was supposed to learn about in my Pediatric Nursing Class... that I don't pay attention to... because I'm coloring in the back...
So, whatever. It only made me cry a couple times when thinking about it. However, once I think about it even more and look at the good in the situation, it's much easier to see that this is just something that needed to happen and that it was actually a good thing.
People keep snapping at me. Maybe I'm just that irritating or maybe everyone's just stressed. It could be a combination. Honestly, everyone can be irritating if someone is already stressed. The thing about snapping at me is that you can't simply slap a "sorry" on it and make the whole thing better. I shut down when someone yells at me, in any capacity. It's something I've always done and I am working my hardest to get past it, but it may be one of those roadblocks that I never fully get over.
For those of you who love someone or know someone who has been a victim of sexual assault, an abusive (in any sense of the term) relationship, or comes from a tough childhood background, please be extra cognizant of how you treat them. Some of us in this world have been given a lot of people who push us into the ground. In order to survive, our fight or flight has been molded into more of a shelter in place and become as small as possible. Don't mistake this as weakness, understand that this was our survival tool that kept us from more trouble than we had already experienced. We can still take "criticism" and you can still fully express yourself to us, but be gentle. Remember to think about what you actually need to and intend to say, and say it calmly. Make sure not to make personal attacks, but communicate clearly and logically. We need time to process, in many cases, before we can be able to respond. Do not demand an answer right away, because we may not have one for you yet. If you open up the talk as more of a conversation where we can be heard too, things will go smoother. Then, just know that we may be more reserved and quiet for a few days or a few weeks. Be patient with us. Many of us have learned that trying to have our voice heard about issues only causes more problems for us so we have a tendency to avoid conflict and be slow to warm up. Pick your battles. If it is something that is not a huge deal and you can handle it for awhile longer, please do so. Even better, learn to drop it. If it is something that needs to be addressed, address one or two things at a time and don't bombard us with a huge list of things that we do wrong. We'll see that as us being a failure and that you don't like/love us anymore. Trust me, we know what pisses everyone off about us and we do our best to not do those things. Some things are unavoidable and we are flight risks. It doesn't take much to set me off and shut me down for weeks. Something as little as a 3 second snap at me can cause huge problems for weeks that I have to work through.
So please, just be cognizant that some of us have a hard time with communication and with our thinking process. It's not that we're dumb or incapable of discussing things with you, sometimes we just need more time than people who have learned how to be able to discuss or fight for themselves. We haven't necessarily gotten the opportunities to learn how to do that.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Decisions for My Future
Today I got a call from Big Time Hospital that I have been wanting for months. Unfortunately, I already took a job at Small Town Hospital due to family connections... the HR lady sounded really disappointed. I'm really disappointed.
The pros and cons keep going on and on in my head. The little hospital will provide me with an in already, I have friends and will make many others, I have family in the nearby vicinity, and housing costs vs. pay ratio is in my favor. However, the cons to little town hospital are that the new grad program is not as in depth, our sickest babies get shipped to big town hospital, and family is in the nearby vicinity.
Yes, I know family is in the pros and cons list. The side of the family in this particular state is full of undiagnosed bipolar (type 2) people, who are being treated for depression. This means that they go manic when they are on a new med and then they stop taking said med once they feel like they are on top of the world. Good heavens, family functions are quite the event to be at and witness various people in their varying degrees of bipolar fluctuations!
Anywho, the pros for Big Time Hospital include: better pay, intensive new grad program, higher acuity NICU, bigger town, more attractions in the city, prettier part of the state, closer to the beach, being a part of a major health care system, being farther away from family than a 20 minutes commute (or seeing them at small town hospital for work every day...). Cons include: higher cost of living, bigger town = too many people, these hospitals are in the major city (no country living for me), I have no aquaintances, I don't even have the job yet the call was just to schedule an interview, and I have no family around that would be closer than a 4-6 hour drive.
Now, I talked to the lady and she said I could potentially always just apply there after I have a few years under my belt. I think that will help me secure the basics before learning the more in depth ICU care like long-term vents, and various higher tech stuff. I miss out on the new grad education, but I learn better hands-on anyway. Plus, with my immediate family having fallen apart this weekend (I'll update you in a later post), I think it would be good to have some kind of support to go and talk to. Best part about it, my Mema is part of the care team for the babies so I don't even have to worry about breaking HIPAA rules as long as it is out of the vicinity of others hearing. I can tell her everything and she gets it because she'll be right there next to me. I also have my great-aunt who is the DON (director of nursing) for the floor and I'm going to talk to her about getting some time in Labor and Delivery and cross-training there.
You know, the more I talk this out with you, the better I'm coming to realize that Small Town Hospital is closer to where I need to be. People have a small-town attitude there, and not the hoity-toity nonsense that comes with Big Town. I can go to Big Town to visit, but don't have to stay there. Then, if I decide to be a travel nurse, I could always do an assignment there just to see how it is and then I'll be getting paid more too!
Thanks pal, you helped me turn my minor disappointment into a silver lining. Plus, it's great to know that Big Town Hospital thought highly enough of me to even give me a call for an interview. That means that I didn't get this job just because of family connections. Instead, I got it based on the fact that they actually think I can do it.
Thank you L-rd!
The pros and cons keep going on and on in my head. The little hospital will provide me with an in already, I have friends and will make many others, I have family in the nearby vicinity, and housing costs vs. pay ratio is in my favor. However, the cons to little town hospital are that the new grad program is not as in depth, our sickest babies get shipped to big town hospital, and family is in the nearby vicinity.
Yes, I know family is in the pros and cons list. The side of the family in this particular state is full of undiagnosed bipolar (type 2) people, who are being treated for depression. This means that they go manic when they are on a new med and then they stop taking said med once they feel like they are on top of the world. Good heavens, family functions are quite the event to be at and witness various people in their varying degrees of bipolar fluctuations!
Anywho, the pros for Big Time Hospital include: better pay, intensive new grad program, higher acuity NICU, bigger town, more attractions in the city, prettier part of the state, closer to the beach, being a part of a major health care system, being farther away from family than a 20 minutes commute (or seeing them at small town hospital for work every day...). Cons include: higher cost of living, bigger town = too many people, these hospitals are in the major city (no country living for me), I have no aquaintances, I don't even have the job yet the call was just to schedule an interview, and I have no family around that would be closer than a 4-6 hour drive.
Now, I talked to the lady and she said I could potentially always just apply there after I have a few years under my belt. I think that will help me secure the basics before learning the more in depth ICU care like long-term vents, and various higher tech stuff. I miss out on the new grad education, but I learn better hands-on anyway. Plus, with my immediate family having fallen apart this weekend (I'll update you in a later post), I think it would be good to have some kind of support to go and talk to. Best part about it, my Mema is part of the care team for the babies so I don't even have to worry about breaking HIPAA rules as long as it is out of the vicinity of others hearing. I can tell her everything and she gets it because she'll be right there next to me. I also have my great-aunt who is the DON (director of nursing) for the floor and I'm going to talk to her about getting some time in Labor and Delivery and cross-training there.
You know, the more I talk this out with you, the better I'm coming to realize that Small Town Hospital is closer to where I need to be. People have a small-town attitude there, and not the hoity-toity nonsense that comes with Big Town. I can go to Big Town to visit, but don't have to stay there. Then, if I decide to be a travel nurse, I could always do an assignment there just to see how it is and then I'll be getting paid more too!
Thanks pal, you helped me turn my minor disappointment into a silver lining. Plus, it's great to know that Big Town Hospital thought highly enough of me to even give me a call for an interview. That means that I didn't get this job just because of family connections. Instead, I got it based on the fact that they actually think I can do it.
Thank you L-rd!
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