No Rest for the Weary

Class this morning went well. Nothing really new. I called my brother to come pick me up but his car died so I walked a mile... in flip flops... in snow flurries. I should have worn proper foot wear but I was late and wasn't expecting my extra little trek, nor was I expecting SNOW this early in the month! Got home, changed for lab and ate a little lunch. Go to lab, practice my assessment midterm. I don't think I did great even though my teacher said I did "perfect." She's nice, I like her. Mannequins, not so much, especially when they talk and I cannot find either radial pulse or the blood pressure sounds. I promise I know how to take blood pressure! Get home, drink a large cup of coffee with delicious creamer, eat some early dinner, and get to studying for the test due tonight. While my computer was turning on, I decided to lay down and wrap up in a blanket because I've been frozen since I got up this morning. 2 hours later I wake up slightly disoriented. Apparently my brother came in while I was asleep and had a conversation with me where I was slightly grouchy with him for turning on the lights. I remember about 5 seconds of said conversation, but it seemed like a dream. This is an issue. I normally don't sleep walk unless I'm beyond exhausted or extremely stressed out. I am both at this point in time so that explains it. Good thing I didn't sleep walk, I was just sleep talking.

Today was a struggle, but my mood is continually improving. Hopefully this St. John's Wort is working and it's not just a placebo effect that's going to drop off suddenly leaving me in a bigger mess than before. Maybe this boyfriend thing is being perpetuated by my self medication with this herb? Interesting. I doubt it, but I've noticed that when I get less stressed about life and school, I tend to start wanting a boyfriend because I have the notion that I can handle another major time-sucker in my life at the moment. That's probably a bad idea, huh?

I'll keep y'all updated on my status with this SJW supplement. So far I don't seem to have any adverse effects besides the whole boy conundrum.

Daily Thanksgiving: Life sucks and then it's over. Someday nursing school will be done and life will commence! Until that day, G-d is making me stronger even if it doesn't feel like it.

Better Ending

I had two tests this week: Pharmacology and my Pharm Math midterm.

Pharm: 70% Not great but G-d gave me a better score than I was expecting. I need to bring my average up though to an average above 74% for all tests otherwise I fail the class.

Pharm Math: 82%. This is terrible! It was all easy math and some simple conversion. I labeled my answers when they weren't pre-labeled and I showed all my work. I don't know how I got a B- but I probably just made a bunch of dumb mistakes. Nursing school always catches me off-guard.


I went home to see my parents this weekend. It was really nice to eat a Shabbat dinner with them and we talked for hours! It's amazing how much changes in a month and a half when I am not there to hear about it every night.

I emailed my bosses at my current nursing home job about possibly transferring to the hospital as a CNA. I just got an amazing recommendation letter from one of them and it made me feel really good. Hopefully G-d provides me with a new job that pays better and at a place where I can learn more about actual nursing instead of just the CNA side of it. We'll see.

Pinterest has currently caught most of my attention. Presently I am planning for all sorts of fun things like my perfect dates, cute outfits and make-up for said dates, adorable hairstyles, and my wedding. This is not a good idea. Between Pinterest and country music, I can tell that I am going to bottom out really bad soon. I even started watching love stories because I hope that it will be me. This is completely irrational because love stories are totally made up and that kind of stuff doesn't happen to girls like me. Still, I am finding it difficult to stay away from these things so that I can focus on school and real life. I just want a cowboy boyfriend that has all 573 characteristics that I have written down to love me, and start dating me right now, and then marry me after we're both finished with college. Is that too much to ask? I'm pretty sure my plan is not G-d's plan, but I keep asking Him for it anyway... His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways are higher than my ways. He has a plan for my life which may or may not include a beau or husband, but my sinful heart is desiring a boy. How foolish is that?! Is it just me or do others of you have these kind of silly desires that don't seem to match what G-d wants for you but you can't let go of them? If you can let go of them, how do you?

I need some seriously professional help.

Good news: My Mocha latte is kicking in and I hope to get some homework/studying done today!

Bad news: The guy made it wrong because I asked for it to be made with soy but he used whole milk... I'm lactose intolerant... Boy, I wish my body made the right enzymes so that I can eat the Italian and French food that I'm always craving. My grandparents are Cajun, Italian, French, and a few other things, but most of our bloodlines come from places that use a lot of dairy products. My family is all pretty much okay with everything, except for me. I can't seem to eat anything anymore. h well, it's a good motivator to eat salads, plain chicken, and generally healthy food. Throw in some Chick-fil-a every once in a while and I am set.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go home. I got to see my puppy and my parents. My mother is a fantastic Italian cook and we got so much good food! G-d got us back to our apartment safely despite the crazy drivers, ridiculous amount of construction, and general crazy driving skills I possess. I'm learning how to do my make-up (normally I wear 0 make-up or just cover up when my face is breaking out) and I feel a little bit pretty even though beauty "comes from the inside". I believe that it does, but it's so cliche and sometimes it's good to feel pretty on the outside too. My grades are somewhat decent. I have a clean room! (This makes my brother happier than it makes me, but it's good to have a happy roommate.)
 
Off to do some school work. Have a good rest of your weekend!

Foolish Choice

I got invited out tonight! Ya, I was kinda excited and skeptical too. It was just an invitation for my brother and I to go out to dinner at a local wing place so I figured it would be alright. Little did I know that there were other people coming too. They were all nice and friendly, but I am too stinkin' awkward around groups larger than 2. Really, I'm too awkward around anyone but myself... Anyway, I wasn't uncomfortable, but I said probably 10 words the whole night. Fortunately, other people find stuff to talk about all the time so I didn't have to worry about it too bad. I just don't know why I put myself in these situation. The others were also drinking and cursing. They only had a beer, maybe a beer an a half per person. As far as I could tell, they were of age but I don't really know. Drinking doesn't make me uncomfortable, per se, I just never know what to do. Has anyone else noticed that when in college, waiters/waitresses assume you are of age if you have some type of university paraphernalia with you? They typically i.d. before you get alcohol, but it's kinda weird to say that you are not old enough yet. Maybe that's just me.

Folks, I need to get funny and I need to work on my people skills. I promise I'm fine when it's at work. I could find the most random things to say when I'm working to make customers/patients more comfortable. When I am out in the real world, however, I become mute and really observant.

At dinner, it seemed like one of the guys kept looking at me. I'm just making this up right?

Then, as I was driving off, two of the guys that were at dinner were following me on their motorcycles. We stopped at a red light and I get a little nervous/over excited when people I know are behind me. Anyway, I blasted around the left turn and since I was going too fast, I underestimated how sharp the left turn was. I didn't hit anyone, but I veered into the lane of the person turning left beside me. Now I feel foolish because I suck at driving. I'm a girl, though, so can I just blame my poor driving abilities on the extra X chromosome?  Most girls aren't bad drivers though...

Ugh, people drive me crazy and it's mainly my fault.

In other news, I learned how to use an opthalmascope and an otoscope. I got to look into people's eyeballs and ears today! It's more exciting than it sound, but not really.

Someone give me advise on how to stop being weird around people! I wish I were more charismatic and way less foolish, but I'm not. Instead of learning how to be around people, I was busy becoming wise. Was this a mistake?

Incredible Words of Encouragement

I went out to dinner the other night with a dear friend and my mentor. She also just happens to be the lady that I babysit for. My goodness she is such a blessing!

She takes time out of her ridiculously busy schedule to ask me to dinner and sit talking with me for 2 hours. Not to mention, the drive to come to this dinner is 30 minutes from her home. Never have I really had someone speak over my life like she has. She encourages me, makes me cry with her kindness, and lets me know when I'm being silly and need to not do something. For someone who does not trust easily, I very much trust her (as much as I can trust a person) and I feel I would do anything for her. In fact, I almost postponed going to college so that I could stay at her house and help her with her 4 amazing kids through a very difficult journey for their family. If you don't have someone like this in your life, you need to start praying for them now! G-d speaks straight to my heart through her so much I can't even tell you. I don't even mention things in my life and somehow He tells her and she brings it up and talks me through it. She is my mentor, a very dear friend and someone I aspire to be like when I grow up.

Something she has recently brought to my attention is the fact that I don't trust anyone/anything, I worry (even more than I thought, surprising, I know!), and I am at my best when I am serving (as observed by others, not just me).

The trust thing was new for me. It encompasses why I refuse the flu shot. I don't trust that this silly vaccine, that comes out every year, is supposed to do me any good. In fact, there is some data suggesting that it is actually harmful. So, what's the truth? I don't want to get it, but my G-d is bigger than anyone trying to harm me, so if it is required, is it worth it to just get the stupid shot? If it is meant for harm, G-d can make it completely unharmful. Even knowing this, is it okay to submit and accept the vaccine just to get a different job in a hospital? I would only do it until I can move somewhere else that is still allowing us to make our decisions freely and not bullying us into injecting toxins and "inactive" viruses into our arms or snuffing said "inactive" viruses up our nose in the name of health. This is America after all, but less and less is able to be up to us... Still, I understand that I chose this profession and that means possibly accepting all of the terms of the job, including this flu shot. I'm still at a fork in this road. I have no clue what to do because I hate to back down after fighting so hard to not get the shot. Not because of pride, just because I don't trust that this vaccine is in my best interest. More on this later...

In other news, school starts in a week and this week is packed for me! I work 7 shifts (3 doubles and an evening shift) at my CNA job and I also begin my new IT job on campus this week. I also have to order books and pray that they come in before I have to start my classes because I was thinking I would get my financial aid refund check this last Friday but that didn't happen... So, I'm freaking out about rent, books, and the millions of other things I have to do this week to get ready for this next crazy semester of school.

Overstretched?

So, I applied for a work-study job because I was awarded a work-study scholarship. I don't really need the job because I was just going to take out loans so that I would not be over stretched. I don't even know why I applied. I don't know why I interviewed. I really don't know why I accepted...

It will only be 10-15 hours a week. Probably usually at night and Thursday I have the whole day off, so maybe I can fit a big shift in on Thursday. Was this a huge mistake though? I will still be working my other job. I was going to work doubles on Sundays, but I think I am going to go down to working nights because that way the work is easier and I have a few hours to study while I'm still getting paid. It seems to be slightly less stress for me than the mornings are. Plus, I think better in the morning so I can study and do homework in the morning and then continue to study once everyone is in bed at night.

Am I nuts for doing this? I wish my brother would have gotten the position. It's an IT job. I am decent at technology, but technology hates me. It's a "joke" with my friends and I, but I'm pretty sure all technology is out to get me... I guess I can try it for a semester and then let it go or continue it next semester. We'll see. I'm excited to have a job that does not include wiping butts. I'm also really glad that they chose me because I thought I did terribly in the interview! Plus, the last 3-4 interviews I went on, I didn't get the job or I got the job and then they took it back (that was super downer because it was a hospital job).

School is going well this week. We were so early today that the professor dismissed us almost 4 hours early! I don't know how we went so fast because it seemed like a million people asked questions. Now, I am all for learning and better understanding, but some questions can be written down and asked after class. This is especially the case when they involve a 15 minute story about your great-great-grandpa's nieces, best friend's health condition in order to get to the question that has nothing to do with the story, nor does it have anything to do with our current subject.

I love people, I really do... sometimes.

Daily Thanksgiving: I'm half way done with the semester's work and we got out super early today. I didn't fall asleep in class (though I was nodding off for about an hour and a half during lecture).  I got a job that I'm pretty excited about and I don't have to work with people very much because I'm just an IT person, not customer service! Plus, I don't have to feed, dress, shower, or wipe poop during the whole shift when I work there. It's also on campus and they start off with a base pay of at least $9.21 or something (base pay for me as a CNA is $10, that's ridiculous!)

I'm still thinking about boys and craving a boyfriend for no reason. Why is it that I want to be attached to a guy when they usually end up driving me absolutely nuts? I'm insane for wanting this, especially now that I will have 2 jobs and nursing school to keep up with. I tried to not mention this, and technically I could still delete this, but it's eating me alive. I want a friend, a true friend. Why am I not able to rely on G-d to fill that void the way I used to be able to? A guy is not supposed to take G-d's role. I am getting so lonely. I need to find a church/congregation so that I can go worship and learn about G-d. I so miss getting "fed" at church. Time to man up and find a place. No more procrastinating! I need this loneliness to go away and it won't go away with the company of a boy and I probably won't find a boy with the minimal time I spend outside of class, school, and in my apartment (completely unattractive, might I add because I love staying in pajamas and I don't have cute clothing style anyway). I need G-d to be back in His rightful place first on that list again because life without Him is not working.