Picture Book Post

 I added pictures so that you don't have to read all of my stuff if you don't want to. Also, I enjoy pictures so maybe they make this more fun for you guys...

Much love,
BedpanAlley



Do you guys remember how excited I was to get into nursing school?

That has not necessarily changes, but it's so much harder than I ever expected. I find myself wondering if I will ever get decent grades again. I find myself questioning if I will even pass the first semester!

It's a terrible cycle I've gotten into. I go to class, maybe work, then I come home to "study." Unfortunately, my brother does not seem to have as much homework, so he turns on the t.v. I inevidably get into the show he is watching because I do my homework in our living room. Next thing I know, it's 10:42 p.m. and I haven't done a thing all day!

I can't seem to focus even without the t.v. on though. Somehow I can start to work or study, but my mind begins to wander. Several hours into my fantasizing, I am again well past bedtime with little to show for my efforts of sitting down to study.

How do you all find ways to focus? Is this meaning that I'm just lazy? Are there ways for me to beat this procrastination/lack of concentration/studying struggle?

Oy, this is frustrating.

Also, my desire for a boyfriend has come back... It's like shingles! I had a mild case of it before (relating my minor desire for a boyfriend to chickenpox here). Now, with all of this stress and undesirable effects and ridiculousness with school and work, it has erupted into a severe, almost life-threatening, case of the shingles (or a stupidly severe case of wanting a boyfriend).

How do I stop this nonsense? Do I need to get some injection that stops estrogen production? Should I start taking testosterone? Is there a way to trick myself into not wanting this type of relationship?

I learned today in basic health assessment that young adults are in a development phase of intimacy vs. isolation. I don't even know what that means but I am quite isolated but I desperately want people, or at least someone, that I can talk to. I want someone to listen to me and be able to understand my weird thought processes. This craving for someone to be able to look at me, hear my random tangent thoughts, and totally understand my whole thought process would be incredible. It doesn't seem like I'm asking for the world, I just want a friend, possibly a boyfriend, who could see all of my crazy and truly not think I'm crazy. Someone to relate to, listen to, laugh with, go shopping with, go shooting/fishing/mudding with, would be a miracle.

However, if this is why I want a boyfriend, is that wrong? I still don't understand marriage, or dating, or flirting for that matter! How do I expect to be able to even handle a relationship. Plus, I have a really hard time talking about feelings because there is no clear cut way to do it, nor is there any rhyme or reason to it. In the past, every time I've talked about relationships with a potential suitor, I get so scared and I shut down because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I hate hurting feelings.

Also, how do I know that when we start actually going out I won't stop liking him? So far, when I've like guys and they admit to liking me, I stop liking them once they ask me out or admit their feelings for me. Is this because I knew more about who they really are once they start liking me back? Or am I just incapable of liking people who like me? I think I'm broken. Scratch that, I'm human. All humans are broken somehow. I just seem to be a little more 'off' than normal.

What's wrong with me? How do I enjoy being single? I don't know how to be single! That's ironic because I have NEVER, ever, ever, ever, had a boyfriend. EVER!!! Why do I not know how to be single and enjoy it?

HAHAHAHAHAH!!! For me, this is a big ol' lie. For some, perhaps its feasible... I guess. Me? not even a little bit.


Good news: my head feels slightly better from the other day because I found some words for my confusion. Bad news: since talking this out, I now have an exponentially increased amount of thoughts that are not expressible. If I never post again, it's because I spontaneously combusted from school stress and getting lost in my own thoughts that have no words. Therefore they are not even real thoughts, just stuff in my brain.

Folks, if you're reading this. Please help me!!! I'm losing my mind because all aspects of my life are falling apart.

HUGE Mistake

So, country summer boy has not texted me again since the other night. I feel like a booty call but we haven't ever actually done anything other than text and 1 coffee meeting.

That wasn't even the mistake.

I made the fool move to share the fact that I wanted a boyfriend for about a month (a couple months ago) with my nursing school friend. Also included in this silly confession was the fact that I didn't think guys were cute until sometime this summer. Since revealing this little shameful tidbit about myself, I have come to the realization that I am developmentally delayed in the social/emotional/people/life arena. These realizations keep happening to me as I spout out random information to my friends. THIS IS AN ISSUE!!!

I learned that I have major trust issues at dinner with my friend. I have discovered that I have delayed attraction understandings. Not to mention all of my other spontaneous revelations that have occurred throughout my life.

I've also learned that G-d protects me and my heart. He also allows me to get over my silly desires to have a boyfriend when I don't need a boyfriend right now. Then I ruin it, by thinking about it again, but then He fixes my mind again. Somewhere this cycle ends, right? Preferably sometime during my single life and not just when I finally do meet a guy and get married.

Life is so frustrating right now and I can't even explain these thoughts that are in my head and that makes me even more frustrated. I think I'm going to burst into flame because I am frustrated and can't figure out how to express myself. Oh, life. Why must it be so confusing and messy and hard?







There is still more that I want to say... but I still cannot put it into words. Therefore, this post ends here...

Several Rants, So I Broke Them Up

Folks, I have so much to say it's ridiculous. In order to decrease confusion r/t my long-windedness, I have decided to makes several posts, each labeled with their main topic. That way, you can easily navigate the page and not read my whole entire weeks novel just to get past what you weren't interested in, to get to what you were...

I apologize for today because this blog has turned into more of a diary as apposed to an actually helpful nursing blog. I'm hoping that useful stuff will happen to me regarding nursing school soon, starting next semester, but this semester is all about theory and YAWN!

So, the formatting on my actual blog may be kinda strange. Don't pay attention to the times it says that the posts were posted because I am trying to put this one first, which requires me to do some finagling with the times. Also, I love the word finagling.

Let's get this party started! A lot happened to me this week...

#1: Boy Drama

Do y'all remember the boy who I met over the summer due to me being evacuated for the fire?

I slept in his bed before I ever even met him. He wasn't there, but sleeping in anyone's bed, or even seeing their bedroom, is something I consider very intimate (not that kind of intimate, but it's their personal space where they express themselves however they want. Therefore, it gives a window into some of their hidden areas of their life. That makes it very personal and intimate.

Anyway, after he asked me out (over text, not good to do BTW), we decided that we could be "just friends" because I was on my no dating kick. Still am, actually, and this whole mess is partly the reason. After he said we could just get to know each other as pals, he got a girlfriend and announced it on Facebook the VERY NEXT DAY! Guys, 1) don't be working on two girls at the same time just in case one shuts you down. The other(s) will find out because we are not stupid. 2) If you are going to be foolish and play with a few girl's hearts by "pursuing" them but don't actually care who you start going out with, don't friend both/all of them and then announce a relationship with another girl. That shows that you were playing us and it shuts down any chance of you with us in the future.

*Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, condone deceitful or secretive behavior. I just want people to be mindful of how their actions and words can affect others. Mostly, I want people to think before they talk and before they do anything, ever.

I blocked him on Facebook and deleted his number from my phone after that little mess. No contact between the two of us for 4 months. I thought it was over and I had finally pushed it from my mind and the sting did not hurt so bad any longer.

Wednesday night I get a text from an unknown number, "Hey."

I replied, thinking it was him, but not being entirely certain. But, I'm sure you can guess who it was. Yes, you're so smart! It was the summer boy. We talked for a bit, but he still didn't seem interested in me. I don't understand if that's just how he is, or if he got bored and had no one else to talk to so then I'm a last resort. It doesn't make any sense.

Anyway, I told him I was going to get a haircut yesterday and he asked for a picture of me... What?!

First, I hate taking pictures anyway and I really don't like seeing myself in pictures afterwards. Secondly, I don't understand why he wanted a picture because we are not dating, we are only really acquaintances so he has no need for a photo of me. Lastly, guys are visual creatures. I don't need to be stuck in the head of some guy for who-knows-what (yes, I assume the worst).

When I refused he said, "Ok... that's fine." Like he was disappointed or something. You know what's bad? I actually considered sending him a picture despite my discomfort and besides my better judgement. I had a 45 minute waffling period where I discussed it with G-d. I almost caved on my boundaries AGAIN!

Praise the L-rd, I finally decided to stick to my guns and not be pressured by some silly boy to do something that I felt uncomfortable about. Every inch you give them, they will take a mile or more. So, don't give them even a centimeter. Stand your ground and if they pressure you to do anything outside of your comfort level, especially when it goes against your beliefs, then they weren't worth the time or heartache anyway. That's guaranteed.

#2: Cabela's

For those of you who like the southern/country way of living, or if you like hunting/fishing/shooting/bows/etc, or if you like Duck Dynasty (because it's pretty much the best show EVER). Y'all need to find a Cabela's and go to it. I don't care how long you have to drive. I don't care if you have to get a passport to go see it. I don't care if the cheapest way to get there would be to fly a private jet, then take a taxi, then hitchhike. Get yourself on down to a Cabela's.

I was a kid in a candy shop! They had Duck Dynasty everything. They had pink everything. They also have a lot of really sweet guys that talked to me about guns and didn't act like I'm a fool for being a girl but wanting a shotgun, a hand gun, and several other hunting tools. As of yet, I still have not gone hunting. I simply need someone (preferably a cute boy) who likes it (and who is good at it, and who also hopefully likes me and knows me very well) to take me. Presently, I do not have such a person. Therefore, I must work on my gun collection now in order to prepare for such a wonderful guy. Plus, it is one of the few types of collections that allow for practical use, loads of fun, and also a means of foodstuffs. It's a wonderful collection/hobby. Plus, girls typically look super cool and gorgeous when they can protect themselves against any intruder and can also handle the burden of shooting and killing a living critter.

That's hard for me because I have been trying to nurse things back to health for so long. I used to be able to fish and bait the hook with worms with no problems. One summer, all of a sudden I could no longer stand the though of repeatedly stabbing those poor little helpless, innocent worms just to thrown them really fast through the air (on a hook) to then drown them while waiting for a fish to come and consume it. Then you have to deal with killing the fish in a painful fashion in order to reel it back towards you and then let it die slowly.

I used to be able to fish. That doesn't happen so much anymore.

What makes me think I can kill a beautiful, majestic deer or an elk? I don't know. But I want to be able to know that I can survive if I ever get lost in the woods. If I can't kill for food, I will die anyway. If I can't kill for protection (from cougars, and other scary animals) then I will die painfully myself anyway. There seems to be no winning. So, I have put it in my mind that I would like to learn to hunt in order to learn basic survival techniques in case I do ever get lost in the woods. It means leaving all of my nursing brain at home and finding a way to get my mind over causing harm to these incredible creatures.

Anyway, Cabela's is now one of my favorite stores in all of my history. Maybe one day, I can go back and actually spend money there for some of their cute clothes or on a pretty pink fishing pole or something. Someday, it will happen. Until then, I'm a happy girl.

#3: Flirting

I went to Cabela's last night with my mom. In the whole 30 minutes that we walked around that store, we must have had 7 guys (employees) come up and ask us if we needed help. Great customer service! I hate when you have to go seek out help and the employees don't want to talk to you and they seem rude. So, I was becoming more and more pleased with the store because they have cool stuff, great customer service, Duck Dynasty stuff is everywhere (and in pink versions too!!!), and the guys selling guns took me seriously when I talked about getting a gun. That never happens to me. Also, I had just gotten my hair done and my makeup was done, so I was looking fairly decent. That has not happened in several weeks (unless I'm going out). So, it was a great night.

As we were walking back to the car my mom says, "That guy was flirting with you."

Me: "No he wasn't, he was selling me on a gun."

Mom: "That's probably why we keep getting asked if we need help so often tonight. You are so cute!"

Me: "..."


Folks, hopefully you know me by now, but I am kind of good at school but my people skills are lacking. I don't even know what flirting is!

So, I asked my mom what flirting is, when we got back in the car. She didn't answer me. That gave me no choice. I needed an answer and decided to consult my favorite source: Google.

After several hours of research, I still have no idea what flirting is. There is no formula, there is no absolute sign, there is no light that says that someone is flirting or that they are just being helpful. Therefore my understanding of dating fundamentals is still -8239885628473204873. Yes, I made it a quantitative amount on a scale from 1-10. I am in the negatives and a pretty deep negative, if you ask me but I was being conservative.

I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT FLIRTING IS!!!

This sucks. People have been leaning over to me saying, "Oh, he's flirting with you!" or something to that effect. I blush because 1) it sounds dirty to me and 2) I am embarrassed that I don't know what it is and 3) I'm embarrassed that it is happening to me and they called me out on it.

What is flirting? How do guys do it? More importantly, how do I avoid doing it? Do you have any ways of knowing that it's happening? Is it more of a guesstimating thing to be able to "read" into what is flirtatious and what is just genuine kindness? Is it inconvenient/embarrassing/unnecessary for anyone else?

Am I the only one that has no idea of what's going on?

Goin' Out With My Boots On

Well, I went out last night, with my boots on. Unfortunately, they are not Western boots not work boots (like in the song). They were just plain, black boots. But I went out last night with a bunch of my friends from last year. We were celebrating one of their birthdays and so we all met at a brewery. No, none of us are old enough to drink, but they have really good food and they make their own cream soda and root beer which, I was told, is delicious. Normally, when I go out with a large group of friends, I sit at end, but not at the foot or head of the table. Last night I sat smack dab in the middle and had so much fun! I don't think I've laughed so hard in months. Plus, they understand me. They know my quirks, they get excited when I get excited about something I'm sharing, and they understand my weird story telling, and they love me anyway. They also know that I don't like gossiping so they refrain from in even though there was some drama last night between my guy friends and the girl that used to like one of them. I've told you about it. The girl showed up at dinner and the boys came and I was scared she hadn't gotten invited. Then I was scared that it would be awkward. I didn't feel the tension, but I may have just been so happy to see everyone I didn't pay attention. Whatever, we got through the night.

Long story short, I prayed for more friends. G-d gave me a night out with my old friends. I feel much better now.

Also, I have a Pharm test today. I've been studying here and there all week, but still don't think I've really gotten anywhere. Oy, this is frustrating. It seems like I do so much work, but then I don't know any of the material or drugs. Then I take the test and get bad grades but I don't know how to get better grades. I have to bring up my Pharm and Patho grades because I am scared I'm going to flunk out of this program in the first semester. I wouldn't be able to handle myself if I did.

Well, I had been feeling like I was finally getting this nursing school thing down, I don't anymore. I was thinking that my feelings of overwhelming, impending doom was barreling towards me were beginning to go away. They aren't, I had just misplaced them but have recently rediscovered that they have gotten stronger. My episodes of random "bad" days where nothing really goes wrong but it all feels bad, were subsiding. Those, too, have come back in full force. Ugh! How do I go on in school if I can hardly make it through each day? Should I go talk to my professors? Can/will they even help?

I guess I will go talk to them. Even if it doesn't help, at least I will go down fighting.

I still need more friends and more nights like last night.


In other news, I got to palpate edema in my friends legs because she had been standing all day (she is the friend I met in the dorms last year who is now in the nursing program with me. We're pretty tight now.) I also got to help our waitress who has an ear infection and my friends introduced me and the other nursing student as nursing students last night. It was a pretty proud moment even though I still don't "feel" like a student nurse. So, that was the cherry on top of last nights momentary bliss.