Presentation Done!

I hate talking in front of people. Public speaking is worse for me than taking a pop quiz, I just hate it. Today, I had to give a ten minute presentation on my paper for English. It went alright, not great, but I wasn't super nervous because G-d calmed my nerves a little bit. But, now it is done which means that besides homework, I only have: 3 finals, 2 lab tests, and a 10-12 page paper standing between me and my week-long summer break!

I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.

In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.

Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.

So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.

Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...

Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!

Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.

Uneventful Day

Truly, today was uneventful. I had a quiz in chem that I got a C on, which I am not happy about. Then, psych was funny, but it doesn't seem like it was overly difficult or stressful. Also, I worked out again today! When I "workout" I really just mean I walked on the treadmill for awhile. Today it was 30 minutes and I walked close to 45 minutes Monday. Hopefully these short periods of exercise help or do something good for me.

I have been super distracted lately and not able to keep much focus on anything. I really need to buckle down and start working harder because I already have B's in 2 of my 4 classes and that is so NOT okay. I have A's in the other two so far, but I need to work and keep them A's. These bad grades that I have been getting are so discouraging. I know that I am not working hard enough or smart enough, but once I get into a hole with bad grades, it seems impossible to get out of it to raise my grades again. Thus, starting an ugly cycle of worse and worse grades.

Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was hilarious, chem was kinda easy, I didn't fail my quiz, I hung out a lot with my friends, and I worked out! Though I had some stuff that was weighing heavy on my mind, it seems like today was a good day overall.

By the way, today, I told one of my friends that my birthday was yesterday... the story remains to be continued. We will see if he keeps his promise of not telling anyone about it.

Also, I am starting to think that this dating thing may not be such a difficult thing to do. It's just a lot of talking and hanging out, getting to know each other, right? Maybe some hugs, or kisses (but not for me in my relationships). Perhaps some crisis, meeting the parents and other life events. But for the most part, it seems like a friendship that is more exclusive and it is acceptable to be a pair of people with secrets together and a mutual understanding of what each other think and believe. There is a good chance I am getting this totally wrong, but from my observations, that is a simplistic idea of what dating is. Guys, I really need some input as to what is going on!!!

Falling Fast

Have you ever had those times when you can't fall asleep because your brain won't shut up? I'm having a season of this, but it's not fully unwelcome. Somehow I even wake up and I'm not super exhausted because I wake up thinking about what I fell asleep thinking about. Which, by the way, is not something... it's someone. All of my efforts to not fall for anyone, not even a crush, until junior year is not working so well. While that sucks, it still makes me happy to think about him and hang out with him. I can't explain it, but I can look into his eyes and be comfortable. He knows most of my faults, he knows my quirks, he knows my past, yet he is comfy. I don't shy away from his help, in fact he is one of the only people I actually ask for help from. His arms hold a peace and he knows how to get me to laugh when I am really down. He doesn't push my boundaries as other guys have when they showed interest in me and that is huge for me. While he does not know I may be having a bad day, he knows how to turn my day around. What is this?

Here I am, gushing like a little girl about a guy. It makes want to gag and dance all at the same time. Feelings are not something I like, but, in the words of The Band Perry, "he is hip to my heart". If this is something more than just a crush, I know we are in the beginning stages, but it seems that this is what people look for. Ideally you are supposed to marry your best friend right? This is so different from my crushes in the past, this is not awkward, it's not going past my boundaries, he does not pressure me or put me down. He jokes with me, makes me want to be kinder and improve myself so I am congruent with G-d's desires for how people should act. I want to be more outgoing and share everything about my day with him. I constantly want to let him know what's going on and hang out with him. This seems like how a true life-long relationship would/should start. Weirder still than all of my fears of relationships is my lack of fear now.

Times like this make me want to know if it is a waste of time to be so focused on a person. I want to know if I will ever get married. I want to meet my husband and start to get to know him. I want to know how G-d has planned my life and what life will be like. I do not want to be spending so much time thinking about boys (which I do not do often) if I am never going to get married because I could be focusing on school or something else. At the same time, I know G-d reveals all things on His time and it is fun to have the surprise of what G-d is bringing into my life. Still, I am frustrated not knowing if I am wasting my time because I cannot focus on anything. I think I may be falling for this boy, just a little...

Turnaround

I'm sorry to start on a negative note, but my day was terrible. For some reason I had the bright idea to work on a Friday along with my normal Sunday shift. Note to self: NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!! First of all, I was on the behavior unit which means there are a bunch of people who do not speak English or they wander or they need a lot of attention. Second, the CNA working with me was having a life crisis and was not there for the majority of the day. Needless to say, one new girl with 15-16 residents - who require a lot more work than two people can handle - was not a good situation. I am totally fine with people needing to be gone to talk or take care of business or whatever, but I need someone else there with me! I was just a bit frazzled.

This story ends well I promise...

Anyway, I come home and was expecting to go play outside. Yes, I am a college student who goes to play outside with her friends (for the third consecutive night in a row). But they were not playing outside, so I texted my friend. Somehow I end up going to a friend's room and asked him for a hug because I had such a bad day. He thinks I'm nuts because I always fight it when he tries to give me a hug because I do not like being touched or close to people. So he gives me a hug (and will not stop talking about it with everyone because it is so out of my character) and I feel better. I actually feel great! We got a big group of friends together and played volleyball outside and I got to chatter on about all the random stuff that popped into my head. This too is uncommon for me, usually I am super quiet. So my day ended well.

I don't know what is happening to me though! I lived in a suite with three other girls and always wanted to be alone. Then, when I moved, I was totally content only seeing my friends for meals, well, just for dinner. Now, all of a sudden, I crave human interaction on a very steady basis. This is driving me nuts because I don't get anything done! I guess I am just going to have to develop a balance between almost living with my friends and getting schoolwork done when I don't have to work. Gosh, this is going to be tough...

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friend's hug, volleyball, a warm day without direct sun contact making playing ball easier, the CNA's that worked with me today, the fact that I have a job (a CNA job), and for my car.

Shabbat Shalom everyone! I even said it at the right time this time!!!

Oh golly, I forgot to tell you I made a new friend at work. He is studying to be a pastor and working in the food service area of the facility. We met at orientation and he is super nice. It's a wonder I make friends with how timid and awkward I am, but G-d provides companionship regardless of how silly I am.