This year, while at college, my brother and I decided to live in an apartment together. Wise idea? It seemed like it at the time, but it's turning out to be more difficult than I expected. We are constantly "stepping on each other's toes" because he is trying to figure out how to be an adult living on his own (away from parents) while I am further maturing from my year alone last year. Needless to say, he thinks I'm bossy and I find him to be showing signs of a VERY immature prefrontal cortex. He thinks he needs a motorcycle, he assumes that I don't need to be picked up at a certain time, he makes me late for class, he wouldn't listen to me about getting a schedule that is more condusive to my schedule because we are sharing a parking pass, and he is quite certain that he is right about everything and calls me condescending a lot. Yes, I have days where I think I'm right all the time, but it's because I am right. ;) If I'm wrong then I admit to it.
What brought this rage on today? I got to wait outside for him for over an hour even though I only have an hour to go home, eat a little something, then come back to school for BHA lab after grabbing my equipment and changing. What did he decide to do today? Go to the mall. He works there, so he went to go talk to his manager, but it's 20 minutes away (when there is no traffic). He texted me, during class, asking when I get out. I told him 12.
At 12:07, I get a text asking, "So you're going to the library to study right?" Where did he ever get that from?! I never told him that and he admitted that I never told him that. I told him I needed to be picked up and he said he would be right there.
At 12:31 he texts me saying that he is just now leaving. Ya, I thought he already had. Remaining calm, I text him "ok." 12:56 he pulls up. I jump in and he says a quick, insincere sorry, and we rush off towards home.
1:07 I get into class. I'm late but today the instructor wasn't in lab because we were doing our midterms so she was in the sim lab with students. I was livid and flustered all during lab because of that nonsense. I didn't yell at him, though I wanted to. He asked if I was mad because I'm hardly ever stone-cold quiet, especially when I'm mad, but I just said, "Let's talk about it after I get home from class." That scared him. He said that made him nervous and it made the whole situation worse, I'm assuming it made him just feel worse because it didn't make him angry. Goal accomplished with that!
I think doing this quiet thing when I'm mad is going to be my new thing. I don't smile at jokes, I use short and bland responses, and I make the other person wait several hours for me to "cool off" before we discuss what happened and how to fix it. Sometimes it's just nice to scare someone so that they think twice before doing stupid things again. Yep, this will be my new thing.
Also, I got 100% on my midterm for BHA! Unfortunately, it only goes into the gradebook as a pass/fail... But it's nice to finally get a good grade (my first and likely last) in nursing school. I was so happy I almost hugged my professor. She probably would have been alright with that, but we stuck with a high-five instead. I think I'll frame it and possibly post a pic later.
While I was in the sim lab doing my midterm, my classmates took a hilarious photo of one of them giving birth!!! Gosh, I'm so sad I missed it because 1) it's hilarious, 2) I want a picture in my whites because I think they are adorable, 3) I just want to have fun but I always seem to miss it! Oh well, maybe another time?
Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't yell at my brother and I discovered a more effective way to scare him and get my point across. I got to wear my whites! I got 100% on something in nursing school. I made it through another day which is all I can hope for anymore. I got to go to the mall with my friend.
In other news, I don't think the St. John's Wort is helping or working. My overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, helplessness, and desire to quit everything and climb into a hole are slightly better, but it's still a battle every day. Maybe I'm getting burnt out? I don't know.
I went to the mall with my friend over the weekend to get our make-up done and to spend some time with her. It was nice to finally be able to talk to someone and tell them this new thing with me actually finding guys attractive and to be able to vent about how inconvenient it is. That didn't seem to help because then we just started talking about dream dates, what we think we need/want in guys, and how our past crushes didn't fit that. Also, I talked her through a friend break up. This is a bit of a long story, but this girl friend is the one who I was super close with last year. She and I were really close with the two guy friends (one of them liked me and she was crushing on the other one pretty hard.) So, she and the guy that liked me would talk about me and the guy she liked. Does this make sense so far? Anyway, the guys decided that they didn't want to hang out with her anymore recently, because they are being silly. So, she was trying to get to the bottom of it. They were being frightfully rude and hurtful, and the two guys "friend broke-up" with my girl friend. I am still friends with all three. Still, friend drama stresses me out like nobody's business!!!
I decided retail therapy would help me so I went and dropped $100 at Target getting things I "needed" and then buyer's remorse hit me like a semi when I walked in my door. Typical me. I need a stress outlet because I keep making foolish decisions and I'm constantly overwhelmed...
C'est la vie, non?
Showing posts with label c'est la vie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label c'est la vie. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Overloaded = Emotional Meltdown
You know how last week was awful for me? That terribleness couldn't be fit into just one week so it is spilling out into this week as well! Joy.
Recap of last week: Patho pop quiz: 50%. BHA pop quiz: 0% (because I was late to class) then I retook it to receive a whopping 20%. Pharm Math and Foundations of Nursing went off without a hitch. Then, Pharmacology... I had to take a test in that class that got me a 76%. Finally, one last Patho quiz: 63%. I know, why did I have to take 2 Patho quizzes in one week? I have no clue! But in addition to those two "fun" quizzes, I also had an exam today. Man, this lady loves piling on all the quizzes and exams onto a weeks calendar, doesn't she? Good news about the exam, G-d gave me an 81% (higher than the class average, finally!) after only studying for about 8 hours. I was so nervous but G-d gave me an amazing grade, considering my sleep deprivation and lack of preparation, and He brought my total class grade from a D to a 79%! Hey, that's almost a B, folks, which turns out to be a really good grade from this teacher because she is tough and Patho is rough!
Today, on a totally unrelated note, I keep running into my friends from the past. I ran into one of my closest guy friends from last year. We've kept in touch so it wasn't weird to see him, it was actually nice to be able to have something be "normal" again. Then I was sitting outside when a guy from a party I went to freshman year of high school saw me and came to say hey. I didn't really know him, but we had Psych last semester. He's really nice, a pre-med student, and he lives in the town my uncle lives in (where my dad grew up). Him and the friend he was with (who I met for the first time today) both volunteer with my uncle for the volunteer fire department. It's weird when people know my family and I get referred to as, "so-and-so's niece/daughter/granddaughter/etc." Don't you feel strange when people introduce you or remember you as someone's sister/brother, daughter/son, grandkid, etc? Then, I saw one of my other guy friends from last year. We sat and talked for awhile, but I really need to work on my conversation skills. What do people ever talk about? What is the point of small talk? It seems like such a waste of time and energy...
Anyone else having meltdowns/psychotic breaks/crying fits?
Recap of last week: Patho pop quiz: 50%. BHA pop quiz: 0% (because I was late to class) then I retook it to receive a whopping 20%. Pharm Math and Foundations of Nursing went off without a hitch. Then, Pharmacology... I had to take a test in that class that got me a 76%. Finally, one last Patho quiz: 63%. I know, why did I have to take 2 Patho quizzes in one week? I have no clue! But in addition to those two "fun" quizzes, I also had an exam today. Man, this lady loves piling on all the quizzes and exams onto a weeks calendar, doesn't she? Good news about the exam, G-d gave me an 81% (higher than the class average, finally!) after only studying for about 8 hours. I was so nervous but G-d gave me an amazing grade, considering my sleep deprivation and lack of preparation, and He brought my total class grade from a D to a 79%! Hey, that's almost a B, folks, which turns out to be a really good grade from this teacher because she is tough and Patho is rough!
Today, on a totally unrelated note, I keep running into my friends from the past. I ran into one of my closest guy friends from last year. We've kept in touch so it wasn't weird to see him, it was actually nice to be able to have something be "normal" again. Then I was sitting outside when a guy from a party I went to freshman year of high school saw me and came to say hey. I didn't really know him, but we had Psych last semester. He's really nice, a pre-med student, and he lives in the town my uncle lives in (where my dad grew up). Him and the friend he was with (who I met for the first time today) both volunteer with my uncle for the volunteer fire department. It's weird when people know my family and I get referred to as, "so-and-so's niece/daughter/granddaughter/etc." Don't you feel strange when people introduce you or remember you as someone's sister/brother, daughter/son, grandkid, etc? Then, I saw one of my other guy friends from last year. We sat and talked for awhile, but I really need to work on my conversation skills. What do people ever talk about? What is the point of small talk? It seems like such a waste of time and energy...
Anyone else having meltdowns/psychotic breaks/crying fits?
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
C'est la vie...
I woke up and the day started like a normal day for me. Got ready and was fixin' to head out the door with my brother when he realized he couldn't find his wallet. We looked around for a bit but still could not find it so we decided I should drive. At this point, we are approximately 5-10 minutes behind schedule. I drop him off and as I am driving to my part of campus, I get pulled over.
"Ma'am, do you know what the campus speed limit is?"
"No, sir, I do not"
"It's 15 and you were going 25 when I clocked you. License, registration, and proof of insurance please."
Awesome! My first speeding ticket, I'm already late, and now I can't even find the car's registration because my brother is a pack rat and puts everything in weird places. It's only 9:30 and my day already sucks!
"Ma'am, I'll let you off with a warning because we haven't had to pull you over before but just know that for going 10 mph over the speed limit, your ticket would have been $100"
"I'm so sorry officer, thank you very much"
I walk into class 15 minutes late to find that there was an unannounced quiz. I go up to talk to the teacher who just says "sorry." I got back to my seat and wait for lecture to begin while trying to hold back the tears. With me, it has to be really bad for me to start tearing up in class, but I never cry if I can help it. Fortunately, I didn't cry. All through class, my brother had been texting me. I had turned my phone on silent so I didn't hear anything at all. I check my phone over our short break and 5 new texts and a phone call all from my brother. I wanted to explain what had happened so that he would realize that his problem of having to wait 2 hours was not as bad as all of my angering tragedies, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed calm, texted him to wait until my class was over and then I would take him home. He replied snottily and I felt like going off on him, but I remained calm still.
Class is over, so I head outside. I find my brother in the backseat because he had a bad day too. His bad day merely consisted of getting a 70% on a quiz, having to walk down to my part of campus, and then sitting in a hot car even though he definitely could have gone inside to where it is air conditioned. Guys, I STILL didn't go off on him! I calmly explained my morning: being late, getting pulled over, and getting a 0 on a quiz I didn't know we had because he would not just leave when I asked him to.
After lunch, I needed to pick up a penlight for my next class which is BHA lab. I left the house underestimating how long it would take to secure such an item. By this time I was 5 minutes late and I didn't have the parking pass that my brother and I share because I forgot it! So, I go to metered parking but I don't have any quarters. I drive around 3-4 times looking for a parking spot in the neighborhood close to the school and finally find one. A brisk walk up a large hill with flip-flops and I make it to lab sweating, out of breath, and 15 minutes late. Oy vey! I almost just didn't even go because I was so angry and frantic.
My professor for lab just happens to be the professor I have for the lecture I went to earlier in the day. She came over to me, and my heart started pumping so hard and fast. She leaned over and whispered, "You can come into my office tomorrow and retake that quiz." Let me tell you, those were such sweet words along with the cop just letting me off with a warning. I wasn't even worried about the quiz anymore, I didn't care at that point because it was already definitive for me, I missed the quiz and I'll just take a zero. I was also sure that I was going to get a ticket today. Instead, G-d had different plans for me with both of those. He gave the cop and my professor grace for me and allowed my day to be awful, but completely within His control. It was definitely a lesson in time management, anger, forgiveness, grace, and trust.
I would really like to go to bed now because I'm exhausted from having such a stressful day, but I have a million things due tomorrow so I had better get to work. C'est la vie, non? (FYI: "non" is how you spell and say "no" in French, it is pronounced just like our "no")
"Ma'am, do you know what the campus speed limit is?"
"No, sir, I do not"
"It's 15 and you were going 25 when I clocked you. License, registration, and proof of insurance please."
Awesome! My first speeding ticket, I'm already late, and now I can't even find the car's registration because my brother is a pack rat and puts everything in weird places. It's only 9:30 and my day already sucks!
"Ma'am, I'll let you off with a warning because we haven't had to pull you over before but just know that for going 10 mph over the speed limit, your ticket would have been $100"
"I'm so sorry officer, thank you very much"
I walk into class 15 minutes late to find that there was an unannounced quiz. I go up to talk to the teacher who just says "sorry." I got back to my seat and wait for lecture to begin while trying to hold back the tears. With me, it has to be really bad for me to start tearing up in class, but I never cry if I can help it. Fortunately, I didn't cry. All through class, my brother had been texting me. I had turned my phone on silent so I didn't hear anything at all. I check my phone over our short break and 5 new texts and a phone call all from my brother. I wanted to explain what had happened so that he would realize that his problem of having to wait 2 hours was not as bad as all of my angering tragedies, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed calm, texted him to wait until my class was over and then I would take him home. He replied snottily and I felt like going off on him, but I remained calm still.
Class is over, so I head outside. I find my brother in the backseat because he had a bad day too. His bad day merely consisted of getting a 70% on a quiz, having to walk down to my part of campus, and then sitting in a hot car even though he definitely could have gone inside to where it is air conditioned. Guys, I STILL didn't go off on him! I calmly explained my morning: being late, getting pulled over, and getting a 0 on a quiz I didn't know we had because he would not just leave when I asked him to.
After lunch, I needed to pick up a penlight for my next class which is BHA lab. I left the house underestimating how long it would take to secure such an item. By this time I was 5 minutes late and I didn't have the parking pass that my brother and I share because I forgot it! So, I go to metered parking but I don't have any quarters. I drive around 3-4 times looking for a parking spot in the neighborhood close to the school and finally find one. A brisk walk up a large hill with flip-flops and I make it to lab sweating, out of breath, and 15 minutes late. Oy vey! I almost just didn't even go because I was so angry and frantic.
My professor for lab just happens to be the professor I have for the lecture I went to earlier in the day. She came over to me, and my heart started pumping so hard and fast. She leaned over and whispered, "You can come into my office tomorrow and retake that quiz." Let me tell you, those were such sweet words along with the cop just letting me off with a warning. I wasn't even worried about the quiz anymore, I didn't care at that point because it was already definitive for me, I missed the quiz and I'll just take a zero. I was also sure that I was going to get a ticket today. Instead, G-d had different plans for me with both of those. He gave the cop and my professor grace for me and allowed my day to be awful, but completely within His control. It was definitely a lesson in time management, anger, forgiveness, grace, and trust.
I would really like to go to bed now because I'm exhausted from having such a stressful day, but I have a million things due tomorrow so I had better get to work. C'est la vie, non? (FYI: "non" is how you spell and say "no" in French, it is pronounced just like our "no")
Friday, August 2, 2013
Sippin' Sweet Tea
Just sittin' here sippin' some home-made sweet tea wishing the sugar hadn't settled to the bottom (I'm drinking the last bit of it and boy howdie! It is far too sweet for me.) I took my lab practical and final chapter exam Wednesday and I take my comprehensive final today.
Chapter Exam: 72% after adjustments
Lab Practical: 88% (I'm really pleased with this score because I was sure I hadn't done very well)
Comprehensive Final: I will update you later
I am having huge troubles studying though! 1) I have never taken a true comprehensive final before. My teacher says she gives the same final every semester to see how she is doing with teaching, but I heard it is ridiculously hard. Like, harder than her other tests. Plus, I heard this from some of the smartest people in our class who had to take it early because they have lives this summer. 2) I calculated the minimum score I need to pass the class. It's a 0. So, if I wanted to pass with a C and not worry about it anymore, then I could just skip this silly test. 3) I calculated what I need to pass with a B. That's only 30/120 points. This was probably a really bad thing to do because I have not been studying well all day. Knowing that an A is impossible and passing is a sure-thing, I have given up my fight with this class. I just don't care. That's not totally true. I do care, but I'm one of those people that will give up trying so hard for something if the outcome is so certain (as is the case here). I kinda wish I wasn't like this, but I wish that I would have done a million things differently this summer instead so that my A could have been earned, even if I did have to fight really hard for it. At least then I would know that I did my best. I think that's what bugs me about not getting A's. It's the fact that there is a score reminding me that I did not live up to my expectations or goals, especially when I only had this one class to take!
C'est la vie, eh?
On the bright side, my mom is here at our apartment and she brought... my Punkin! (Yes, I know I technically spelled that wrong, but that's how I pronounce it). It's my dog. The sweet, miracle of a dog G-d blessed me with in the 6th grade who embodies the entirety of a 6-8 page journal prayer. I still have the prayer too. She is my baby and I have missed her so much! When I come home, or when she gets to see me after being apart for a long time, she is so happy that she does this little wriggle thing and starts whining. The whining is super weird for her because she never whines or barks, unless there is an intruder or some kind of danger or when she sees me, I guess.
Work went really well yesterday. I worked with my favorite CNA and my favorite LPN last night. Both of them are trying to set me up with the LPN's brother. Good news there: he's not moving here anymore. He is on the army reserve and could not get transferred to this state from his home state so now I don't really have to worry about this fictional relationship suddenly coming to life. They are still quite convinced we'll find each other in some romantic, serendipitous way and he'll bring me home to meet his family where I will find the LPN welcoming me to the family with open arms. Me: ya, that's not gonna happen. But, I kept up with the girl who works that floor every night and I even had harder people. Well, normally they are harder, but everyone was completely exhausted last night. Normally, some people will stay up until 10 or 11 p.m. Everyone was in bed by 8:30... It was beautiful!
More to come tonight if I can remember. Daily Thanksgiving will likely be done then too. Hey, are y'all trying the thanksgiving thing? You know, everyday you find something new to be thankful to G-d for, even silly stuff like no traffic jam or sleepy residents. It can change your life and prevent the psychology thing of one wrong thing making you think of everything else that went bad that day. Just try it, it's good stuff.
Off to take a shower, get ready for my comprehensive final and then... NO MORE MICROBIOLOGY!!! Plus, shopping with my mom. Yay!
Chapter Exam: 72% after adjustments
Lab Practical: 88% (I'm really pleased with this score because I was sure I hadn't done very well)
Comprehensive Final: I will update you later
I am having huge troubles studying though! 1) I have never taken a true comprehensive final before. My teacher says she gives the same final every semester to see how she is doing with teaching, but I heard it is ridiculously hard. Like, harder than her other tests. Plus, I heard this from some of the smartest people in our class who had to take it early because they have lives this summer. 2) I calculated the minimum score I need to pass the class. It's a 0. So, if I wanted to pass with a C and not worry about it anymore, then I could just skip this silly test. 3) I calculated what I need to pass with a B. That's only 30/120 points. This was probably a really bad thing to do because I have not been studying well all day. Knowing that an A is impossible and passing is a sure-thing, I have given up my fight with this class. I just don't care. That's not totally true. I do care, but I'm one of those people that will give up trying so hard for something if the outcome is so certain (as is the case here). I kinda wish I wasn't like this, but I wish that I would have done a million things differently this summer instead so that my A could have been earned, even if I did have to fight really hard for it. At least then I would know that I did my best. I think that's what bugs me about not getting A's. It's the fact that there is a score reminding me that I did not live up to my expectations or goals, especially when I only had this one class to take!
C'est la vie, eh?
On the bright side, my mom is here at our apartment and she brought... my Punkin! (Yes, I know I technically spelled that wrong, but that's how I pronounce it). It's my dog. The sweet, miracle of a dog G-d blessed me with in the 6th grade who embodies the entirety of a 6-8 page journal prayer. I still have the prayer too. She is my baby and I have missed her so much! When I come home, or when she gets to see me after being apart for a long time, she is so happy that she does this little wriggle thing and starts whining. The whining is super weird for her because she never whines or barks, unless there is an intruder or some kind of danger or when she sees me, I guess.
Work went really well yesterday. I worked with my favorite CNA and my favorite LPN last night. Both of them are trying to set me up with the LPN's brother. Good news there: he's not moving here anymore. He is on the army reserve and could not get transferred to this state from his home state so now I don't really have to worry about this fictional relationship suddenly coming to life. They are still quite convinced we'll find each other in some romantic, serendipitous way and he'll bring me home to meet his family where I will find the LPN welcoming me to the family with open arms. Me: ya, that's not gonna happen. But, I kept up with the girl who works that floor every night and I even had harder people. Well, normally they are harder, but everyone was completely exhausted last night. Normally, some people will stay up until 10 or 11 p.m. Everyone was in bed by 8:30... It was beautiful!
More to come tonight if I can remember. Daily Thanksgiving will likely be done then too. Hey, are y'all trying the thanksgiving thing? You know, everyday you find something new to be thankful to G-d for, even silly stuff like no traffic jam or sleepy residents. It can change your life and prevent the psychology thing of one wrong thing making you think of everything else that went bad that day. Just try it, it's good stuff.
Off to take a shower, get ready for my comprehensive final and then... NO MORE MICROBIOLOGY!!! Plus, shopping with my mom. Yay!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Surprise Homecoming
Today I got a great surprise, my brother officially moved into our apartment! He had all of his stuff down here, but he still had his old job an hour and a half away so he was staying with out parents. He was recently able to transfer his job to a branch down here and he came down today! I wasn't expecting him for a few days.
I am so glad that he is home now though because I have been so lonely. Plus, I really love my brother, like a ridiculous amount. Sure, we fight sometimes, but we are best buds a lot of the time. We went to the grocery store tonight, at 11 p.m., and we had a great time. I caught him up on my current boy situation and he laughed at me... But it was great and at the end of the day, he really wants me to be happy and, for some reason, he really wants me to have a boyfriend. He actually took it pretty hard that I didn't start dating my country boy, but c'est la vie, non? (Non is how you spell no in French. I learned that in French class and it's one of the only things I actually still remember 4 years later.)
I forgot to tell him about my coworkers trying to set me up with my friend's brother but I have a feeling that if I tell him he will just try to actually work with them to make it happen.
Folks, I'm getting so beat. I haven't really had a vacation at all this summer and likely won't get time off until I am completely finished with school, retired from work, and finally taken home to see the L-rd. Unfortunately, life is ridiculously busy and it seems as though I'm letting life slip away. It also seems like I am growing farther and farther away from G-d. I'm going to try to find a church, for real this time, but it's so hard to find a new church. Especially when I don't really want to be going to church, I want to find a good Messianic congregation but I've visited those and have not liked what I've seen. Maybe I'm just too picky. My brother says I am too picky about food, boys, people, and everything else in my life, so I bet it's true.
You know, I made a list of what I want in a boyfriend/husband. Now, my lists aren't just random lists that I jot down, I make a lot of them. A lot of time and effort goes into thinking about them and praying about them. I made a list of what I wanted in my roommates for college, it was simple. I wanted all of them to at least be under the "Christian" umbrella and I wanted at least one of them to be "Messianic." Guess what happened? I got what I prayed for! One girl considered herself "Messianic" because she did some of the Jewish holidays (though I don't technically count her as such), and all of them were at least some type of Christian. It did not work out between us, but I think it could have been much worse if I had been rooming with people who drank, slept with boys, partied, etc. I thank the L-rd that He put me with the girls He did because I learned so much and He answered my prayers.
I also made a list/journal prayer about a dog. My parents had finally decided I could have a dog and I was so excited (and slightly worried because we had a dog before for 3 weeks but the dog wasn't a good fit, so I didn't want to have to give up another dog the same way). So, I prayed about it very specifically and wrote everything I wanted in the dog. Next day we went to the pound and G-d gave us the perfect dog. She is everything I asked for and more. The list was very specific but G-d provided us a dog that fit it to a T! We framed the prayer and we still have the dog 7 years later.
Funny thing is, I have prayed about boys before too. Sometimes I start to crave the attention of a boy (I'm just being honest here. It feels good to have a guy think your cute, smart, funny, and datable.) So, I have prayed that a boy start to like me who has certain qualities. Soon after, a boy starts to like me who just so happens to have those qualities. Up to now it's great for awhile, then I begin to see why it would not work out. Thank the L-rd that I have not dated anyone yet because my life could have been a totally different story if I had dated all the boys I thought I wanted to date. It seems as though He is showing me that I think I know what I want, but in reality I need to be patient and just let Him bring the right man into my life on G-d's own schedule. Let me tell you, it's not easy. I have the longest grocery list of what I want in a boyfriend/husband, but only G-d knows what I will be happy with and when/if I will meet this man. I hope I get married and I really hope that I meed my future husband soon because I am getting so antsy. However, it seems like when we try to speed G-d's schedule up to fit our own selfish plans, we just make the waiting worse than it has to be. For now, I will pray while I'm waiting. I will work on my relationship with the L-rd and allow Him to work on me being content single. When I try to find someone who is "my other half" or has a personality that fills for all of my personality flaws, I just get so badly crushed because I am relying on someone else to complete me. That is not how dating and marriage work! I have to be complete on my own so that I can share a life with someone else, L-rd willing that I will have a husband in the future.
I'm off to be complete on my own and work on my relationship with G-d before I cultivate a new relationship with anyone else.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful that G-d listens to me when I pray. The Creator of the Universe listened to and answered my prayers about a dog. How incredible is that? He listens to us all and answers all prayers, but I am constantly amazed when He does, especially for the little things that are so trivial. I am thankful that my brother is home with me and that my summer class is beginning to wind down. I get to work the night shift tomorrow with my favorite CNA and possibly my favorite LPN. Hopefully they won't try to keep talking me into dating her (LPN) brother... G-d had protected my heart from so many bad relationships that could have happened but didn't. He has kept me ignorant when I needed to be, wise for other occasions, and always very stubborn when boys try to talk me into things that would be no good for me. I am a truly blessed girl.
Blessings and good night y'all! It's 1 a.m. and I'm very tired but still have to get up early tomorrow so I can cook pancakes for my brother, who is my best friend (here on earth, G-d holds the overall title).
I am so glad that he is home now though because I have been so lonely. Plus, I really love my brother, like a ridiculous amount. Sure, we fight sometimes, but we are best buds a lot of the time. We went to the grocery store tonight, at 11 p.m., and we had a great time. I caught him up on my current boy situation and he laughed at me... But it was great and at the end of the day, he really wants me to be happy and, for some reason, he really wants me to have a boyfriend. He actually took it pretty hard that I didn't start dating my country boy, but c'est la vie, non? (Non is how you spell no in French. I learned that in French class and it's one of the only things I actually still remember 4 years later.)
I forgot to tell him about my coworkers trying to set me up with my friend's brother but I have a feeling that if I tell him he will just try to actually work with them to make it happen.
Folks, I'm getting so beat. I haven't really had a vacation at all this summer and likely won't get time off until I am completely finished with school, retired from work, and finally taken home to see the L-rd. Unfortunately, life is ridiculously busy and it seems as though I'm letting life slip away. It also seems like I am growing farther and farther away from G-d. I'm going to try to find a church, for real this time, but it's so hard to find a new church. Especially when I don't really want to be going to church, I want to find a good Messianic congregation but I've visited those and have not liked what I've seen. Maybe I'm just too picky. My brother says I am too picky about food, boys, people, and everything else in my life, so I bet it's true.
You know, I made a list of what I want in a boyfriend/husband. Now, my lists aren't just random lists that I jot down, I make a lot of them. A lot of time and effort goes into thinking about them and praying about them. I made a list of what I wanted in my roommates for college, it was simple. I wanted all of them to at least be under the "Christian" umbrella and I wanted at least one of them to be "Messianic." Guess what happened? I got what I prayed for! One girl considered herself "Messianic" because she did some of the Jewish holidays (though I don't technically count her as such), and all of them were at least some type of Christian. It did not work out between us, but I think it could have been much worse if I had been rooming with people who drank, slept with boys, partied, etc. I thank the L-rd that He put me with the girls He did because I learned so much and He answered my prayers.
I also made a list/journal prayer about a dog. My parents had finally decided I could have a dog and I was so excited (and slightly worried because we had a dog before for 3 weeks but the dog wasn't a good fit, so I didn't want to have to give up another dog the same way). So, I prayed about it very specifically and wrote everything I wanted in the dog. Next day we went to the pound and G-d gave us the perfect dog. She is everything I asked for and more. The list was very specific but G-d provided us a dog that fit it to a T! We framed the prayer and we still have the dog 7 years later.
Funny thing is, I have prayed about boys before too. Sometimes I start to crave the attention of a boy (I'm just being honest here. It feels good to have a guy think your cute, smart, funny, and datable.) So, I have prayed that a boy start to like me who has certain qualities. Soon after, a boy starts to like me who just so happens to have those qualities. Up to now it's great for awhile, then I begin to see why it would not work out. Thank the L-rd that I have not dated anyone yet because my life could have been a totally different story if I had dated all the boys I thought I wanted to date. It seems as though He is showing me that I think I know what I want, but in reality I need to be patient and just let Him bring the right man into my life on G-d's own schedule. Let me tell you, it's not easy. I have the longest grocery list of what I want in a boyfriend/husband, but only G-d knows what I will be happy with and when/if I will meet this man. I hope I get married and I really hope that I meed my future husband soon because I am getting so antsy. However, it seems like when we try to speed G-d's schedule up to fit our own selfish plans, we just make the waiting worse than it has to be. For now, I will pray while I'm waiting. I will work on my relationship with the L-rd and allow Him to work on me being content single. When I try to find someone who is "my other half" or has a personality that fills for all of my personality flaws, I just get so badly crushed because I am relying on someone else to complete me. That is not how dating and marriage work! I have to be complete on my own so that I can share a life with someone else, L-rd willing that I will have a husband in the future.
I'm off to be complete on my own and work on my relationship with G-d before I cultivate a new relationship with anyone else.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful that G-d listens to me when I pray. The Creator of the Universe listened to and answered my prayers about a dog. How incredible is that? He listens to us all and answers all prayers, but I am constantly amazed when He does, especially for the little things that are so trivial. I am thankful that my brother is home with me and that my summer class is beginning to wind down. I get to work the night shift tomorrow with my favorite CNA and possibly my favorite LPN. Hopefully they won't try to keep talking me into dating her (LPN) brother... G-d had protected my heart from so many bad relationships that could have happened but didn't. He has kept me ignorant when I needed to be, wise for other occasions, and always very stubborn when boys try to talk me into things that would be no good for me. I am a truly blessed girl.
Blessings and good night y'all! It's 1 a.m. and I'm very tired but still have to get up early tomorrow so I can cook pancakes for my brother, who is my best friend (here on earth, G-d holds the overall title).
Monday, February 25, 2013
Short Tangent
Do you guys mind if I have a minor meltdown here online?
I am going insane with all my friends getting married and having babies. My best friend (the one that asked me out in middle school) got married our senior year of high school (last year). Plus, his wife just had a baby a month or so ago. They were married for a little over a year, so everything was squared away there, but still! One of my friends got married this summer. Another friend got married today. Not to mention, so many others who are having babies (married or not) or getting married here shortly. Is this phenomenon weird for anyone else? As soon as high school is over (sometimes before high school is done), everyone has the urge to get hitched. What's up with that? Marriage is cool and all, I just need a little warning is all. I learned about my best friends marriage, and baby, through his sisters posts on Facebook, which plumb breaks my heart. One friend texted me when she got engaged, so I had some warning for her. But the friend that got married today didn't tell anyone anything. She just up and posted she was married on FB and announced they would have a ceremony come spring.
I am starting to be able to better deal with my friends getting married while I do not have a boyfriend yet or any plans to get married. This used to be a very touchy and sore subject for me. But I just need a little heads up. A bit of notice is all. Perhaps a little notice would allow me some time to digest the information and go through my processing cycle (which just happens to be a lot like the grief cycle as of yet). Just a little bit of time to hear the news, be sad, then slightly angry, then depressed, then I can move on to accept it... eventually. These cycles usually last a few months though. G-d is really working on me with this sadness about marriage thing. After my friend got married this summer, I have not had another bout with this ugly mess of me during the "marriage cycle". But it still stings. I know it stems from self-pity, which is really a slap in G-d's face, and He is allowing me to grow tremendously. This growth doesn't make it go away completely though and I want to be real with you guys because maybe someone out there experiences this kind of stuff too. I don't know if anyone does or not though, so I post it just in-case.
Regardless, I am grateful I have never had a boyfriend because I think all of this would be a lot harder on me if I had one (either currently or at some time in the past). All of this news about my best friend would have been much harder to swallow because it would have been my ex-boyfriend instead of a boy I merely hung out with a ton for about three years. Never-the-less, it still breaks my heart I couldn't find out from him. It sucks I can't meet his wife and his new baby boy, but c'est la vie.
Sorry about the length, my short tangent morphed into a full-fledged rant! That seems to happen a lot with me, huh? Well, I really appreciate you reading, or just allowing me to vent (even if you don't read it).
I am going insane with all my friends getting married and having babies. My best friend (the one that asked me out in middle school) got married our senior year of high school (last year). Plus, his wife just had a baby a month or so ago. They were married for a little over a year, so everything was squared away there, but still! One of my friends got married this summer. Another friend got married today. Not to mention, so many others who are having babies (married or not) or getting married here shortly. Is this phenomenon weird for anyone else? As soon as high school is over (sometimes before high school is done), everyone has the urge to get hitched. What's up with that? Marriage is cool and all, I just need a little warning is all. I learned about my best friends marriage, and baby, through his sisters posts on Facebook, which plumb breaks my heart. One friend texted me when she got engaged, so I had some warning for her. But the friend that got married today didn't tell anyone anything. She just up and posted she was married on FB and announced they would have a ceremony come spring.
I am starting to be able to better deal with my friends getting married while I do not have a boyfriend yet or any plans to get married. This used to be a very touchy and sore subject for me. But I just need a little heads up. A bit of notice is all. Perhaps a little notice would allow me some time to digest the information and go through my processing cycle (which just happens to be a lot like the grief cycle as of yet). Just a little bit of time to hear the news, be sad, then slightly angry, then depressed, then I can move on to accept it... eventually. These cycles usually last a few months though. G-d is really working on me with this sadness about marriage thing. After my friend got married this summer, I have not had another bout with this ugly mess of me during the "marriage cycle". But it still stings. I know it stems from self-pity, which is really a slap in G-d's face, and He is allowing me to grow tremendously. This growth doesn't make it go away completely though and I want to be real with you guys because maybe someone out there experiences this kind of stuff too. I don't know if anyone does or not though, so I post it just in-case.
Regardless, I am grateful I have never had a boyfriend because I think all of this would be a lot harder on me if I had one (either currently or at some time in the past). All of this news about my best friend would have been much harder to swallow because it would have been my ex-boyfriend instead of a boy I merely hung out with a ton for about three years. Never-the-less, it still breaks my heart I couldn't find out from him. It sucks I can't meet his wife and his new baby boy, but c'est la vie.
Sorry about the length, my short tangent morphed into a full-fledged rant! That seems to happen a lot with me, huh? Well, I really appreciate you reading, or just allowing me to vent (even if you don't read it).
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