Meaning of Life

Millions of people have dedicated their lives to figuring out the purpose and meaning of life.

Writings are found in scriptures, and it is arguably the point of most, if not all religions.

Here I sit, after watching the movie Gifted, and I am contemplating the meaning of life. What the hell.

I've been in existential crisis mode for years. Maybe it is my developmental stage. Maybe I'm destined for greatness. Maybe, just maybe, I'm having the same wonderings that everybody else has because that's just what humans do. We all think that our lives should have meaning.

Some of us find meaning in making loads of friends and having tons of connections. Some of us have incredible brain power and focus on academia, solving the problems of the world, or inventing things. Some of us believe that bringing children into the world, loving them, and raising them to be "good people" or the best they can be is the point in life. Some of us chase monetary gains, travel experiences, time with friends and family, or other means to make our days full and busy and something that will strengthen the heart.



Bear with me for a moment, but what if there is more?

There has to be more to life than marrying someone, procreating, having happy days, chasing dreams, studying your life away, enjoying sunsets, and believing in some sort of deity or spiritual power.

There has to be more than waking up, eating, going on about your day doing whatever makes you happy or whatever is "necessary" for sustaining the life you believe you need to have, and then sleeping.

There has to be more than meeting your basic survival needs, maybe adding in some fun and relationships, and then calling it good for the entirety of your thousands of days on earth.

There has got to be something bigger behind us "making a life for ourselves" while on this earth, and potentially having your name or "legacy" remembered for a few generations. Somewhere along the line, whether a few days or thousands of years after you die, you will be forgotten.



So, then, what's the point? What's the point in going into millions of dollars of debt to continue on in your schooling? What's the point in losing time with family and friends so that you can go study? What is the point in trying to solve problems of the world, because you won't be able to solve all of the problems of the world. Plus, for each problem you solve, there are probably hundreds of others that come up.

What's the point in me missing time with friends and family to work? It doesn't matter that I love my job and my friends are also at work. The point is that I am "sacrificing" time of my life, a lot of time for that matter, to serve others who will no sooner forget my name than 3.85 seconds after I sign off for the day with them and the next shift comes in to take over.

But, then, what's the point in spending time with friends and family? They'll die, and betray you, and hurt your feelings, and cost you money, and be a weight on your shoulders. Yes, they are fun, provide love, and allow you to occupy your time doing desirable activities (hopefully). But, what's the reasoning behind it?

Why do we spend most of our lives with people we barely know, providing services that don't benefit us more than bringing in a paycheck, in order to spend money traveling, eating, on family, and to provide a roof over our heads and maybe even a bed to sleep on. Who cares? By the time you die, will that job really have meant a whole lot? It keeps you away from your family and friends, requires training and brain power, causes stress, forces you to interact with people who may/may not cause mental/physical/emotional harm to you.

Doesn't this seem counter-intuitive? Doesn't it all come out in the wash as being futile?

Why bring kids into the world? By your actions, another life is added to the count on earth. By doing this, you sign up another being to a life that is not guaranteed anything but turmoil, pain, sharp learning curves, ridicule, tears, and suffering. Great, there are times of laughter and joy. But, we're human. Being a Bible-believer, I believe it when G-d said we are going to spend our whole lives toiling. And for what?

Yeah, kids are great. If I believe that last bit about the Bible, I also have to believe that G-d told us to "be fruitful and multiply". To which I get to add ALL of the passages about life being painful, stupid, futile, lacking in meaning, and I come to the conclusion that none of it makes sense. Why sign another human being up for the pains and challenges of life that WE refuse to deal with on a daily basis?! Those poor little beings don't even have a choice in the matter! I didn't have a choice in the matter of being place here, with the difficulties of life, and yet here I am. I'm not mad at anyone that I'm here, I just don't find it particularly logical for me to bring a life into the world when I cannot rationalize being here, myself. (Which is probably for the best seeing as I would, at the very least, need to go find a sperm donor, cook the little soul for several months, and then go through the laboring to get the little life out of me... via torture that is largely self-inflicted.)



You can argue that our meaning in life is to be a good person, for G-d to mold us into whatever He wants us to be. Blah, blah, BLAH. Yada yada. *insert Charlie Brown's teacher in the middle of an 8 hour rant here*

I don't care.



None of this makes any sense to me. The older I get, the more research I do, the more I study scriptures and listen to people (from all backgrounds, not just seminary grads), and the more I have time to think and experience things, the more I believe that most of what I've been taught in church is bullshit.

In my experience, church is a place that you go to make friends. Yeah, you get taught some things and sing a few songs, but it's largely just a meet-up group with the common theme of religion. You can have faith if you want it, or you don't have to. You can make friends if you want, but you don't need to. There will be cliques, popular teachings, big things that are swept under the rug, drama, lies, dysfunction, abuse, and terrible damage inflicted on many.

There are lots of rules, but if you don't follow the rules you can just keep those a secret and ask forgiveness later (if you want). Sometimes there is even food. Read the book, don't read the book. Study on your own, or trust what the people talking at you say. None of it really matters because at the end of the hour and a half meeting, most of us are simply wiping drool from the corners of our mouths while rubbing sleep from our eyes or frantically scribbling down our to-do list that was bombarding our brains through the sermon. Others of us are being elbowed to bring us back from the 3 hour long day dream we just got lost in. (And yes, if you did the math, the time I allotted in this make-believe sermon was only 1.5 hours... Doesn't add up, does it? Exactly my point.)

You can feed me lines that we are humans leading humans by the leading of G-d and some other bunch of nonsense about how important church is, but I'll just get my eye roll exercises in for the week. Start spouting off the shitty cliches we learn in church about meaning, existence, purpose, forgiveness, and whatever else they've bombarded us with, and I will let you watch me walk away.



There has to be more than this. What is it?

I don't doubt that G-d is there, in control... somewhere. I believe the Bible and pray (sometimes). Maybe a lot of this stems from a struggle of faith right now. Perhaps the model of church that is causing such cynicism is something that I should be fighting against. Maybe I just despise the church that I've been going to for the past couple of weeks and I need to find a new one. Maybe I'm just hopeless in life and spirituality is one of the higher tiers of Maslow's hierarchy and it's not my foremost goal at the moment.

Who knows?! I just know that life largely sucks at the moment. It has for months now. I'm over it.

But I don't want to take meds.

Down the Tunnel It Goes

I had my first session of EMDR this last week. It has helped tremendously, so far! I have not yet had to terrible of nightmares and I've been able to remain in the moment better than I had been in the past couple of weeks. I'm really hoping that this continues to be a good form of therapy for me.

Just in case you guys are at all curious about it, I wanted to share a little bit about what my experience was like.

So first thing that happened when I went in was that the therapist asks what I want to work on. I went in with a very specific plan to work on exbest friend's stuff because it has been causing me a great deal of distress for a long time now.

She gave me the little buzzing paddles and asked me to pick the intensity and speed that I wanted to use for the memory. I set it accordingly and she had me describe the memory. She says I can tell her as little or as much as I want. She kept asking questions, as counselors/therapists do, but I didn't go into as much detail as I had to using exposure therapy (you have to use as much detail as possible).

We started with e getting comfortable and holding the paddles. We started with letting my mind go to the memory. She checked in with me to have me describe what I was feeling and going through. We went another cycle and the memory and feelings got more intense. She checked in again. This cycle lasted several times, then she had me sit with the memory and the physical feelings and the thoughts that came up. After a few cycles of that (memory + buzzing, then a check-in), the memory started to reveal several things to me.

Personally, this process brought up the ways I tried to fight and then showed me the 7+ ways I was triggered that reverted my brain into trauma mode and sent it back to it's original conditioning. While this likely does not make much sense without going through the process, it was incredibly freeing to be able to go back into a memory that my brain was constantly reliving for months and to be able to process it with such clarity.

Then, as I started to process the triggers, and what I had done to prevent the cursed even from occurring in the first place, the oddest thing happened in my brain and I saw it as clear as a movie: the memory faded and started going down a tunnel. It was partially filed in said tunnel, but not like my normal filing where I put it away to try to process it later with my counselor. No, this time it was filed as something I had survived and what I had done right and why I couldn't stop it.

Now, this memory is much less disturbing and my brain has released it from continually coming up and causing nightmares, flashbacks, and the subsequent dissociation/depression. I've been able to wake up without sleeping 14+ hours, be on time, get ready without losing track of time, and I've been engaged and happy instead of a constant flat affect and no energy. All of these things are my signs of dissociation and depression.

I'm not saying that this process was not difficult. I cried. I cried like big, burning tears from a place of deep hurt and betrayal. However, it was far less distressing than continually having your brain try to process a memory and failing because you are stuck between short and long term memory, and you can't find the reason/logic/emotion between anything. My brain was ridiculously overwhelmed and this allowed me to process it effectively.

Guys, I'm very grateful for my counselor recommending this type of therapy. I had come a long way in counseling, but there are things that set us back on our road to recovery. Sometimes these roadblocks refuse to move and our brains cannot go "there" to knock the block down because it is too distressing. At this point in my recovery, I was able to go through the EMDR process and receive relief and help. When the counselor at my college (who was 1] untrained in trauma help and 2] unpracticed in EMDR) tried to use this therapy, I was too far in the trauma brain and had not processed anything at all. By starting in therapy/counseling first, getting to a place of healing, then trying this intensive therapy, I was able to finally have coping skills in place and be able to understand my recovery process much better.

I'll keep you guys posted on if it continues to be helpful or if I start getting some of the terrible side effects. So far, however, I'm hanging in there.

Princesses and Superheros

I recently discovered the world of Marvel movies. They are full of adventure, superpowers, flirting, showing off, and humor. Of course guys (and gals) like these movies! The characters, especially the superheroes, are witty, confident, and seem to always show up at the right time with the ability to save the day. Then, in the end, they get the really cool girl that they've been flirting with for a good majority of the movie. Sometimes they meet this girl and begin to "fight", showing that she is independent and strong. But, she eventually sees his  side and begins to follow his lead.

Contrast that to Disney princess movies that are now being made with live action technology where these princesses are portraying the stories many already know: Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White, and all the rest. The princess plays this strong, independent lady who is being oppressed by the world around her. She overcomes many obstacles, shows herself to be strong and lovely. Then she is transformed into this person that everyone wants to know and she ends up with the guy of her dreams who adores her with all he is and he treats her like the princess/queen she is.

Now, look at these types of movies next to the data that has been collected and analyzed by Shaunti Feldhahn (For Women Only/For Men Only), Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs (Love and Respect), Chad Eastham (Guys Are Waffles, Girls Are Spaghetti/Guys Like Girls Who...), and countless others. I don't know about you, but I see the common pattern pointed out in the books being played out in the movies. Guys watch movies about guys who are strong, leaders, respected, fighting against the evil in the world (and winning). Inevitably, there is a girl there who adores him and respects his role in everything. Looking, then, at princess and romance movies, we see strong girls who are adored by guys for her independence and strength. She finds a source of stability, protection, and love. She proves herself throughout the movie and he, the prince, falls madly in love with her, treats her with respect and absolute adoration, and they proceed to live happily ever after.

Friends, these probably aren't huge revelations to you, but the connect between movie audiences and Disney/Marvel was a new one for me. I watch the cartoon Disney movies because they are usually "wholesome", not trigger happy movies, and they have fund songs. I discovered Marvel movies because we talked about Thor at church last week and I've seen little things about Groot. I wanted to see why everyone adored him so much. So, in the spirit of research, I got part way through Thor before the scary lava guy made me too nervous. So I tried Guardians of the Galaxy and in the second one, little Groot is dancing all around as everyone of his friends is fighting for their lives! I laid in bed, falling asleep, but laughed because some days I feel like the fighters and some days I feel like little, baby Groot with chaos all around and I'm just in my own world, dancing to the happy music.

I think these connections are important, especially when talking about marriage. Obviously, that is why Shaunti, Dr. Eggerichs (and his wife and daughter! [she worked on Love and Respect (Now) and she's hilarious!]), Chad, and so many other talk about these things in relation to marriage/dating. These wonderful people use data, based on thousands of surveys, to help women and men understand each other and how to relate to the opposite sex better. Directors and authors (even fiction) have been focusing on these differences for centuries, but I am so grateful for the people who have worked so hard to bring us the data along with whys and how to help us relate to each other. I've learned so much.

If you guys get a chance, visit the websites of the authors above and read their books. I think it'll bring some light to the mysteries between genders.

In Seasons of Silence

It's been a real struggle for me to know whether I'm hearing the voice of G-d. I find it next to impossible to distinguish when the voice is mine or His.

I feel like I can hear Him at times, loud and clear. While other times He is a bit more faint, like a whisper's whisper. Then, still other times, it seems as though He peaces out and goes radio silent for weeks, or months! I often have themes, through the week, and sometimes that seems as though it's His planning. But other times, it seems as though these themes have nothing to do with Him, or they disappear all together.

Maybe I read too much into nothing. Maybe I'm so impatient that He is talking, but takes breaks. Maybe I'm not in the Word enough, not praying enough, not listening to Him enough. Maybe I'm crazy and none of this is right.

I Googled (I know, ridiculous) "how to know you're hearing G-d's voice. It brought up results with lists. You know the kinds of lists that say: "5 steps to know it's G-d" or "8 ways to prove it was Him talking to you" or whatever else. They're along those lines as: "7 simple steps to get your crush to fall in love with you" or "18.34 steps to make sure they're 'the one'".

The information in these lists were mostly correct, but so very basic. Make sure the voice is saying things that line up with scripture, ask your G-dly mentors if what was said sounds solid, etc. etc. etc.



I think the problem here is that I'm looking for some breakthrough from Google. I'm searching for some type of validation and awe-inspiring revelation from an internet browser that also provides people with search results for porn, drug deals, prostitution, gambling, clothing sales, and tech advice. In my defense, I tried going to the One who is supposed to provide the answers but if I can't hear His voice then how am I supposed to get an answer?

I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I'm not doing. There was such a "breakthrough" and then nothing. Maybe I'm just trying to do too much on my own accord. Maybe I'm supposed to struggle for awhile. Maybe I've fallen out of G-d's will. Maybe I'm my own worst enemy or maybe, just maybe, I'm truly alone in this season.

Leadership

Whatever job you have, movies you watch, organization you belong to, or family you are in, there is a leader. Sometimes it's you. Sometimes the leader is someone else. Sometimes you share the responsibility or you lead while being under another person's guidance.

You get the point.

Today I started thinking about some stuff. I know, sketchy situation, but it happened.

I was Googling conferences and retreats to go to, when I started thinking about the various conferences and retreats I've been to.

There is a leader who has the idea. They enlist the help of others to help get this idea off the ground. Those people then begin to pick subjects, dates, locations, and the millions of other details that go into such an event. The speakers start to carefully choose the subject matter and words they want to use, and work it over and over until it's "just right".

All of this to say that I feel woefully unprepared to be a leader. I don't feel like I can be a leader for a bible study (the one that I am presently doing). Nor do I feel that I could lead at a church, or at work, or anywhere else. I feel unprepared and subpar.

The thing that I have learned about leaders is that they have often walked some rough roads and learned some really difficult lessons. This isn't always the case, but occurs often. Good leaders need to be able to listen to and respect those they are called to lead. This helps them to be effective and *usually* respected. Leaders typically have some type of wonderful lessons that they teach others, whether on purpose or inadvertently.

We look to leaders to know what to do. To burden the responsibility of decision making so that we can carry out orders without bad outcomes being our fault. We want reassurance or gentle guidance to help us in our quest to fulfill our goals. We want someone to give us tasks to complete in order to help us feel like we have purpose and meaning in what we are doing.

We want someone to have the idea, to carry out a great deal of legwork, and then to present to us an idea that is interesting to us, so that we can partake of the benefits. I do it. I want someone to research the things I am interested in, put it in a pleasing format, and then provide me with the invitation to decide whether I want to hear the info or not. (i.e. Invitations to conferences, with speakers talking on subjects they have studied for years that have piqued my interest. But I want the choice to say no.)



The problem here, and the reason I am writing this post is because I feel people keep shoving me into "leadership" kinds of positions. Sometimes I shove myself into said position. Sometimes there is just a huge push from others. Then, however, I get into said position and flounder. At which pint I get told that it was not the right time. It was too soon. It was wrong.

I know it's not good to simply do things because someone else is telling me to do it, but sometimes we are supposed to follow another person's guidance in order to start something.

I get frustrated because there are times when it seems G-d is calling me to do something. Without telling anyone else about this, I get a friend or family member who encourages me to do this something. So, I do it but it was wrong.

Then I'm left feeling like a fool. I want to climb in a hole, cry myself to sleep, and proceed to not have to wake up. Yeah, this is a bit dramatic for the minute-ness of the situation and I can see that. I also know that I'm not actually going to crawl in a hole and die. For some stupid reason, I keep waking up. Day after day, week after week, month after month. For YEARS. It hasn't stopped me in the last 24+ years. Sometimes I sleep the day away, but there are moments of being awake in there.

The shame of failures does not keep me from going on about my day. It doesn't keep me from talking to the family and friends who shame me, unnecessarily. It doesn't cause me to miss work, or to hide out in bed (unless I don't have anything scheduled that particular day.)



I am, by no means, a leader. I have no desire for the responsibility and I am woefully unprepared.

Somebody please remind me of this when I think to try some type of leadership role in the future. Be the one to save me from humiliation. Somebody be the one to snap me back to my senses and keep me from the pits of self-inflicted troubles. Good gosh, I'm a fool.

EMDR

When I went through my first traumatic instance with ex-boyfriend, I went to my college and attempted to get counseling. The counselors there are not familiar with trauma, they counsel students more through depression, anxiety, problems with school, and other such "student" problems.

One of the counselors was trained in EMDR... I think... She told me she was not super familiar and that she would need to reference the manual frequently to help me through the process. We didn't talk about anything that would have normally been covered in counseling, we just jumped right in to EMDR processes. I couldn't even hold it together to find my safe place without crying hysterically. Okay, not hysterically, but I couldn't breathe enough to talk using more than 1 syllable words at a time.

Fast-forward to my last counseling session: It was my third week in a row where I cried and dissociated. So, at the end, she suggested I try EMDR because I have been shutting down a lot lately and after all of the progress I had made, I was starting to rapidly backslide to where I was on week 2 or 3.

So my homework for the week was to just think about calling someone about EMDR. Well, I went to work after that counseling session, Googled all about the EMDR process: what to expect, what it would be like, what the goal is, etc. I proceeded to email my sweet little counselor right away at like 0300 that I would give it a shot. She woke up, sent me a list of names, and I made an appointment when I woke up at 3 p.m.

I'm still really nervous for what I'm going to have to go through, what I'm going to uncover, and what I will have to re-live, but I'm hoping it goes well and helps me. I've heard that nightmares are common and that it is common to need to process what happened in the session for the remainder of the night or even for the next couple of days.

I had my first session yesterday and it went well. We did a "practice" round with a "lightly distressing" memory so I could see how the process worked. I chose traffic, and our practice session made me surprisingly less anxious about the prospect of sitting in traffic. Granted, it's not a traumatic memory, but I hope that it will work similarly for the bad stuff. I've heard from several people who have had parents or friends go through this process that it has helped them.

I'll keep y'all posted.

To Rest in the L-rd

Resting in the L-rd is such a personal thing. Nobody can tell you how to do it. It is necessary for growth, self-care, and improvement of oneself.

There are times in life where there is so much to do, that resting, let alone resting in the L-rd, gets shoved to the back burner. Then, there are times in life where that's all you have.

Personally, I feel I am in a season of rest. For a couple of months now, I have been trying to start a Bible study, attempting to volunteer, and find other ways to make myself busy. In the midst of it, I had a whisper that I'm supposed to just be. That I'm supposed to relax and take in a season of peace.

When I didn't know what that meant and continued to apply for other volunteer processes, G-d continued to suggest it to me in different ways. He kept my email inbox largely silent in regards to the Bible study and volunteer opportunities. He then allowed my mom to suggest that I need to enjoy a season of rest, and a couple of weeks later she reiterated it and told me she is taking a season of rest as well. Continue on to this week where I was lamenting my lack of social and volunteer opportunities to my counselor, and she reiterated the idea of a season of rest.

I don't know how to rest in the L-rd. I don't know what that looks like, probably because I never really have... minus maybe little retreats I've been on with my youth groups. I don't know how to be still and take in alone time with the Good L-rd. I get frustrated when I am told to sit and be quiet, feeling I have no purpose in the time I am still and waiting. I like having a mission, a purpose, a task to complete. A short time ago, G-d gave me instructions to share my story. I feel He proceeded to show me more ways that I could be of service to use my story to help others. I feel like He's given me a life mission, like He's given me a calling and a purpose and a goal to work towards.

Then, in the same breath, He tells me to wait and be still.

How do you do that?!? How do you get a picture of what you are supposed to do, and then get told to sit back and not do it. Don't work towards this picture you've been given. Don't start gathering research and don't start talking to people. Instead, just be. Just relax. Just breathe. Listen to the whisper that is so quiet I cannot hear it.

What am I supposed to do with that?

How does He expect me to get a mission, a battle plan, ideas of how to proceed, and then do nothing?

And how do I then get the mission to "rest in the L-rd" but do it without instructions as to how to rest in Him?

A Calling to What?

My recurring theme this past couple of weeks is that I'm called for something more. What is this something more? I have no clue.

Several times now, in many different contexts, and with people that do not know each other, comes the remembrance of Moses. People keep saying that Moses was called. He brought along Aaron (I can't spell Aaron without thinking of the "Substitute Teacher" video on YouTube.)

Anyway, these several people remind me that Moses was called out of nowhere. He was convinced he was not worthy of such a calling. He was convinced that he was ill-equipped and unsuitable to be able to carry out what G-d called him to do. There is also a possibility that he had some sort of problems speaking. It's always stuck out to me that he was given Aaron, because the scriptures say he had a speech impediment. Whether this was constant for him, or something that was aggravated by the stress of going in front of Pharaoh and mass amounts of people, I do not know. All I do know is that the Bible specifically mentions this "problem" he faced.

Here I am, not having had the privilege of speaking to G-d through a burning bush, but having countless people tell me that I am on the cusp of G-d doing something special through me. Even people I've never talked to or really ever met! I feel like G-d has me on the edge of something, but it's not clear to me yet what this new thing is.

I've been applying to volunteer at nearly every church and organization I can find in my nearby area. Nobody is emailing me back... at all... I can't even find a 20's/young singles group to attend because everyone is done for the summer. *facepalm*

Someday it'll make sense. Someday, everything will click into place and I'll get a better idea of what I'm supposed to be doing. Someday, I will be able to laugh at the impatience that I'm experiencing and go through on a semi-regular basis.

This season of waiting, praying, and wondering is not new. G-d suggests I do something, I begin praying for it and working towards what I think may be open doors... many of those doors do not open. Then, when I least expect it, a door opens and everything falls into place.

I do believe I have exhausted just about every obvious door and most of the "creatively found" doors... I'm not certain how much more I can try to apply to before something sticks and works out...

I'll keep y'all posted.

Ends to New Beginnings

This week was the end of group therapy and my bible study. It's been rough. I've really enjoyed the friendships that have come to be in both groups, the growth that I've shown, and having places to be to get me out of the house. Those few things can really help improve a person's outlook on life and well-being!

I'm fixin' to tell my sweet little counselor that she was right... right about finding community, right about people being out there that are willing to support me, and right about being able to share and not scaring everyone away. She has been such a blessing.

As is normal with the final bits of anything, there is time to remember how far you've come and what has happened. We share thanks for the people that we've met and the things we've learned. There is an exchanging of phone numbers, encouragement, and a "I hope to see you soon" or "email/text me when you get news about..."

And, as G-d tends to do in my life, there is a theme.

It dawned on me partly in the car today, and I began weeping... in traffic... with my dog sniffing out the window and warm spring air blowing in. Then, as I sat down to begin processing all of the things that have happened this week (by typing them here) G-d flat out told me because I wasn't fully getting it.

Then He keeps bringing up more examples as I continue to write!

So here it is: the theme for this week is sex. What it costs, how it's abused, how it's affected me, and how it has shaped the course of history.

You guys know, because I talk about it in most every post, but I have a history of sexual abuse. Not once, not twice, but countless times. And not at the hands of just one, nor two, but at least three guys. It was a realization that hit me hard this week.

In group, we were encouraged to talk abut something on our last day of group that we would regret not saying while we were in group. I couldn't think of anything. And, since my personal counselor is also the leader of the group, she encouraged me again in my personal session and even prompted me on what I could and should consider talking about. I spent all of 2 weeks pondering what it is that I should share, with nothing to say for myself until the day of group. I wrote it down on 3 pages of my journal and walked in.

Group was nearly over when my counselor asked if I had anything to say. I warned them that I was just going to read it, because I needed to say these things but they are hard for me to say (I left out that I often "shut down" *read dissociate* when I begin thinking/talking about these things).

I wept.

I cried as I read.

I couldn't see the pages so I had to lift my journal up in front of my face so that the tears weren't blocking all of the writing.

And I said it. I said the things that I have had such a hard time saying. I spoke the words, "... I have suffered through countless acts of sexual and other abuse. I have never once gotten to choose to have sex or not have sex, these things were forced upon me. I battle daily with my dreams, desires, and my broken sense of the world.

"However, I can see my healing. I have been made clean, and pure, and have been dressed in white. I've seen it!

"Somehow, these evil things will be used for good. I don't know how, but it'll happen."

Of course, I share a little bit more, but those are things that I have had such a hard time being able to say. I couldn't even admit them to myself a couple of months ago and now I've said them out loud.

Then, another girl in our group shared and she cried through her part of sharing. I cried right along with her. It was so difficult to not just reach over and hug her tight! But, knowing how I deal with things, I don't want to be touched when explaining how somebody else has used touch to so seriously damage me. I asked her, when it was all done, if I could hug her and she accepted. My heart breaks that she has experienced the things that she has. I have gone through many of the same things, but it hurts even more hearing that someone else has had to endure that crap.



I told you guys the theme for the week was sex... Well, even in bible study, the video at the end of the study was of the Q&A portion of the conference that the study was based on. Again, for those who have forgotten or who didn't know, I was doing the study Anointed Transformed Redeemed about David. We can't talk about David without talking about Bathsheba, right? But that was such a small part of the study and it was weeks ago!

This week, in the bonus video, it was the filmed portion of the conference that was the Q&A (I already told you guys that). However, this is important because somebody asked something about marriage or how to minister to husbands or something... and Kay Arthur, Priscilla Shirer, and Beth Moore (not so much Beth), began this whole thing about sex!

In a room full of married women, at church, this was a time of great amounts of laughter for them! For me, surely the only single girl under the age of 30 who has not had a great relationship with the subject of sex, this was a serious struggle. Kay touched on singleness and the relationship you should have with sex: she said we should not be having it. Well, duh, and I'm not. It was just a moment where being left out converged with a moment of being triggered and disappointed and all of that happened at church.

*deep breaths*

Through several things, I have been convicted of something that I have not come to terms with, and a huge reason why I'm probably having a hard time this week: sex and I do not have a good relationship. I'm not saying that if we did, that I would be partaking before marriage. But it has been used as such a strong force of evil and destruction in my life that I don't look forward to it. I don't hope for it, I don't look forward to my wedding night or to being married. I don't look forward to "making" kids or to birthing them because it is all a reminder of sex.

I learned this week that many victims/survivors have such a bad relationship with sex because of the abuse, that some of the self harm can be in the form of touching themselves. Trying to find pleasure from how the body reacts and the way that their body probably reacted in the face of abuse. One thing I haven't confessed before is that I have struggled with this myself.

After my first assault, rape, weekend of horror, I was convinced that my body was broken. He was touching me, doing these things that he knew would get a response from my body because he had had sex with other girlfriends in the past. Me, having never done any of that before and having not wanted to do it then, did not react. There was no pleasure, no excitement, no enjoyment. So, I concluded that my body was broken and that I was one of the few people that suffer from not being able to find any pleasure from sex and from being touched.

So, I tried to "recreate" the things that should bring about a sensation that people had described as fun, or pleasurable, or even a need. My body kind of reacted, but I was filled with so much shame and despair and sadness.

Even with this misery, it became a compulsion. I wanted to cut. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to feel something.

I didn't cut. I did hurt myself. And the only thing I ever truly felt was hatred, disgust, shame, despair, regret, and ridiculous darkness.

I stopped shortly after attempting this act.

Then came exfiance. After his initial rape, I couldn't get away. There were so many assaults. So much manipulation. So many excuses, bullshit stories, bible verses he used to tell me I belonged to him and that my body was no longer my own. Blah, blah, blah. He introduced me (read *forced me*) to do things I had never imagined. Things that truly revulsed me and I actually begin cutting and self harming and things that made me want to die.

After that, touching myself became a way that I could control things. I got no pleasure from what he did. Sure, my body would react, but I did not like it. So my brain, making its new pathways, associated those reactions with not being a good thing. In fact, it was associated with pain and depression and all terrible things!

By controlling it myself, when he was not with me, I felt like my body wasn't actually broken, like someday it might be okay... aaaaaaannnd it increased my shame and despair ten-fold.

Fast-forward to this week: Things that I did not expect, but that definitely needed to happen, in fact happened. This topic was brought up and somebody that I have admired and loved learning from/with shared about her struggles with this. Then, to her, I whispered "me too."

It was something that needed to happen. That I was terrified of anyone else finding out about. And now, I have to face it. I have to fight this. I have to work through it and learn to deal with these things. Then, I have hope for healing.

I've been studying the ladies of the bible, primarily the Tamar's, Rahab, Bathsheba, and various others (especially those with abuse, sexual misconduct, and those who were broken [all of us]). I'm finding encouragement and hope, but it's also allowing G-d to expose many of my deep, dark secret places. It hurts, but I hope that someday it'll be worth the pain of debriding (I think I spelled that wrong...)

Christian Lingo

If you know of anyone who goes to church, I'm sure you are familiar with the Christian Lingo. Church-goers say things about "forgiveness", "redemption", "mercy", "grace", a "broken past", "difficult seasons", etc, etc, etc.

Now, G-d does do all of these things! However, it's a pet peeve of mine, when I go to church or a bible study, and these are the only words out of the person's mouth but they don't go into any of the nitty gritty stuff. They don't tell you what G-d brought them through, or forgave them from, or how He showed them mercy and grace. 

Is the Bible not made up of hundreds of stories? G-d doesn't just say "forgiven, mercy, redeemed, forgiven, blah, blah, blah," over and over again. He gives us examples! He gives us stories! He lets us see what thing happened, how He worked, and what the results were.

In this way, He helps give us examples of how life worked out for others and He talks on most life issues.

Recently, I went to a bible study where our guest speaker talked for 45 minutes without saying a thing. She repeated "love" and "redeemed" and "broken past" and the other few words in the list above over and over for 45 minutes. We periodically listened to a podcast that had more of the same and listened to a couple songs that, you guessed it, repeated the same words.

I left frustrated.

In the car, at 9:30 p.m., I called my mom for a debriefing on the way home because I was confused. In the process of my drive home, she and I hashed it all and I realized that I had heard nothing. Nothing of this teachers life, no stories, no meat and potatoes, no information whatsoever. It was like going to a mall and getting suckers into one of those kiosks in the middle where the salesperson will talk to you with the same 6 words over and over for 45 minutes and you feel like you've lost weeks of your life. There was no learning, no help, no encouragement because there was no substance.

Growing up, I experienced this many times. I think it's a large reason why people stop going to church, stop going to Bible studies, and stop trying to learn about the L-rd. Yes, it's hard to fight past the crap to be able to get to actual information that can be any type of help and can bring excitement to the learner. However, if you work to get to the interesting stuff, and keep fighting for learning worth while things, it is so worth it! There is such blessing to be discovered!

And, for those of you that fight to get to the meat and potatoes of the Word and of G-d's teachings, share that learning with others!!! We don't have to leave the teaching to pastors, t.v. teachers, and random preachers. Anyone who is willing to learn can be willing to share with others. Obviously, make sure that you are sharing truths only, but you could be responsible for helping keep another person from letting their faith fade because they don't have the energy to wade through the crap.

Keep on my friends.

I'll keep you posted with what it is that I'm learning. So far I've filled up almost 1/3 of a notebook in less than a week. So far I'm studying women in the bible and it is shocking how many of them experienced abuse, trauma, suffering, and other heartaches. It's shocking to me that these types of stories are not shared!!! Especially in a time when the #metoo movement is so prevalent and girls/women/everyone are looking for support and love through their journey to healing after trauma.

Overwhelmed

As you have read over the past several months, I have been feeling this call for me to begin sharing my story. I feel like I am meant to share bits of my story, in order to hopefully either prevent others from walking the same road I've walked, or to help others who are healing by walking along side them and being able to connect with them in that way. There are countless other ways that stories can be used, like showing G-d's great power and redemption and love for us... etc.

During this time, after G-d whispered that He wanted me to begin to share, I began "researching" what it meant to share a story... personal story... Trying to get a handle on what it would mean to share my story. After weeks of torturing myself and over-thinking things (I mean, I never do that... Ha, that's a joke, I'm a pro over-thinker!), I kinda just coasted and stopped my intensive search for understanding on this matter. When I began to forget about this mission G-d gave me, that's when He began bringing the answers to me instead of me going to find them!

Side note: it is important to seek answers. When G-d gives you a mission, ask Him how He wants you to fulfill it! It seems so simple, right? He wants you to do something, of course He'll know how you need to go about doing things to accomplish the task at hand. Now, while this is true, He won't always show/tell you what/how to do things right away. There may be days, weeks, months, or even years of waiting. The seasons of waiting are important, wonderful, and incredibly difficult oftentimes. This is where the true growth comes from. If G-d just gave you the end result without the suffering (my word, not His) in the middle, then where would we have chances to increase our faith and trust? When would we get a chance to hear Him in the whisper or watch Him part the Red Sea? If there is no time or chance for Him to work in our lives, how will we learn to recognize His hand at work? It's all about the process, not just about the goal and end. In the waiting, continue to seek Him, to ask Him about what it is you're supposed to be doing, and LISTEN! You have to remain active and don't just expect a miracle without putting in some sort of leg work and showing a little bit of faith.

For me, with my story, it was in the least expected ways that He began to weave the theme of "story" throughout my life for several weeks. In the bible study I was in, suddenly the whole bible study began discussing the importance of sharing your story and what it can show about G-d and how it can help others. I began another bible study with some ladies and the book was solely stories of some amazing women that have walked difficult roads (Surprised by the Healer by Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery). The bible study focused on our stories. I did not continue on with the study, but I appreciate where they are coming from and trying to accomplish. My group therapy is all about our stories! We have stories within our bigger picture story and us being able to connect within all of these layers. I was getting bombarded with these things from all angles for weeks and weeks!!!


Through all of this, I have been incredibly blessed by some stories, and incredibly taken aback by others. There are times where I can feel so bonded with certain people over the bits of their story that they share. Whereas other stories can build up walls and cause friction between friends. It's a fine line learning to share enough in vulnerability and sharing as a means of a verbal dumping (*aka: verbal diarrhea*). On the one had, vulnerability shows a place of growth, the beginning of healing, and an earnest desire for the person to move forward from that dark place. In the verbal dumping, the person cannot stop sharing. They tend to share far too many details, cannot and will not accept encouragement of gentle counseling related to the stories they share. This type of sharing is best done with a counselor because it is a form of processing where your mind and heart are still trying to simply remember the details and the person sharing is not really able to move forward from that place yet. Sharing in this was does not benefit the sharer nor the person listening because there is no lesson to be learned (on the surface), there is no help to be rendered, and there is not a desire or willingness to move on from simply remembering what has happened.

While sharing, even in this verbal dumping phase (can also occur via writing, L-rd knows y'all have read my verbal dumpings several times!), is important on the road to healing, it is a dangerous place to be. This place is an area that can continue to cause further hurt to the sharer because of a lack of boundaries. Lack of boundaries to know who to share these things with and who to keep these things from. There is a danger in sharing with others because the other person can become severely impacted by what they learn! These things can cause a sort of secondary trauma to the listener, if the listener is not legitimately and professionally trained. Due to the disparities of why things are dangerous to different parties involved, huge walls can be built. The listener will begin to back away, clam up, and have a difficult time being around the sharer. The sharer, sensing this, can begin to internalize this imposed isolation as being their fault and they may believe they deserve to be isolated because of the things they've experienced (I'm not speaking from experience or anything...). This can begin a terrible cycle of self sabotage and isolation when community can be so very healing.

However, like I said before, it's all a process. Without the trial and error of sharing ith the wrong people, how are you going to be able to test boundaries and learn what is okay to share, when is the right time, and who deserves to hear certain aspects of your story (and go slowly with the sharing!!!). There is beauty in the process, and great things to be gained from the suffering of going through it. Don't cause suffering trying to bring about the process of healing and learning these things. I assure you, the process will take place all without you forcing anything. But go about it prayerfully, and while listening to the L-rd. You guys know, that's a process unto itself.



While I was processing all of these things about story sharing, learning safe was to share and what it looks like to verbally dump, and beginning to understand why we need healing to be a process, I had an interesting theme come up.

I just so happened to be on the receiving end of my friend's story. I was attempting to lovingly counsel her in a strictly friendly way, using my tiny little bit of nursing counseling skills with my ability to comfort. However, despite whatever I said, or did to encourage her, or how I responded, none of it was to any use. She didn't accept comfort. She didn't want to be encouraged to change her life. She did not want any counsel, G-dly or otherwise. She didn't want anything but a listening ear, and I think that was even optional. What she needed, was to simply talk. This was a classic example of a verbal dump. My offered help was shot down, and none too lightly. She asked for advice and input, but would promptly refuse it.

Throughout all of this encouragement, counseling, listening, and attempt to help her solve the problems she asked for advice for, she kept saying she keeps asking for a miracle. She says things like: if only G-d would perform a miracle (and she gave specific examples of what she wanted the miracle[s] to be), then her life would be better. If only things happened the way she required, without her changing her life choices or lifestyle at all, then she would be able to believe in G-d and her life would be able to be turned around. She wants community, but doesn't want to wake up a little early to go to church, or take time to go to a bible study, or do anything to go an find people to add to her social circle. She wants to be married to a wonderful man, who is pure and kind and patient and gracious, but she does not want to give up the dating culture she has cultivated for herself. She wants a marriage, convinced that marriage will solve all of her problems and make her happier than she ever imagined, but she refuses to make steps to make herself marry-able, upstanding, desirable for a man who would be willing to settle down, and she refuses to make any lifestyle changes whatsoever.

As frustrating as this sounds, do we not all do it? If only G-d kept me from sexual abuse, terrible boyfriends, and gave me the husband/life I wanted when I wanted it, then my life would be better. If only He would bring a miracle about, then I would be able to change my heart and my life will follow. If only this had happened, then life could get better and I would be happy and there would be no further problems in my life.

Lies!

We all know G-d could perform a miracle and drop a guy into your lap and this guy could treat you like a queen. He could be pure and kind and gracious and forgiving and absolutely wonderful beyond belief! However, if you have not worked with the L-rd to fix your life, then don't expect it to be solved because home-boy is now in the picture. If you have unhealthy coping skills that are causing major problems in your life (i.e. drinking to deal with stress and bad days, smoking, sleeping with guys to feel better when you're feeling down, etc.), these things will only pop back up when you face those problems when within the marriage. Don't think those problems won't come back to bite you and when that happens, you will be highly likely to be tempted by your previous "coping skills". When tempted, if it has not been addressed and worked through (even if only partially) before the miracle marriage takes place, then there is a very slim chance that the habit will just have been broken by a marriage. And, when such a "coping skill" is reverted back to within a marriage, how wil that effect your spouse? If you cope with feeling bad about yourself by sleeping with the next guy that you think is cute and that feeds you some lines about how adorable you are, how will that (sex with another guy) effect your spouse and your marriage? This problem will come up again and just being married will not fix it nor will it automatically cause you to depend on your spouse for full validation for that problem.

Do you guys see what I'm saying?

Now, this is all fine and dandy, but I felt like G-d was saying something more about this. I still demand miracles sometimes. How dumb am I? I can't demand G-d to do anything! He'll just laugh at me and do whatever it is that He wanted to do anyway. All in a loving way, of course.

Upon further prayer and much thought, especially when in the shower and driving, it occurred to me that most miracles occurred after some sort of step of faith. Ruth followed Naomi to Naomi's home country before she (Ruth) was given opportunities to get to know Boaz before they married. The Israelites walked to the Red Sea and just kept walking into it as G-d worked to part the waters. Likewise, those carrying the Ark of the Covenant walked into the river (Jordan River?) as G-d stopped up the river and allowed His people to cross over into Canaan. Esther went to the king, without a summoning by him, in a step of faith to protect her people from Haman, when she knew good and well that she could be walking to her death. How many countless other miracles requires some sort of step of faith?!? I could go on for days!!! Of course, there are always exceptions and situations where this is not seen, but it seems to be a pattern that some sort of faith needs to be shown so that faith can be stretched and grown!



I believe that me being here is a miracle. There are too many instances in my story where I could have died at the hands of others, or by circumstances I inflicted upon myself. L-rd knows I tried hard enough, several times, to simply be rid of the world. I could be stuck in anger and denial at what has happened to me, but G-d has shown me grace beyond measures and more love than ever imaginable. Because of this, He has allowed my story to continue on towards healing, instead of Hm allowing me to be stuck in the trauma. He brought me from dumping, to sharing and walking with others. That certainly does not happen for everyone. I want to continue to see the miracles He works in my life and I cannot wait to see all that He redeems in my story, so I will continue to walk in faith. Right now, this means potentially beginning a bible study and organizing women to come and walk alongside each other. I see miracles every day, and my faith grows with each of these instances.

I am blessed beyond measure.



With much love, continue on towards your miracles my friends,
BA

I Want to Learn to Not Dread

A couple of weeks ago, I went into work 2 hours early to cover for a friend that needed to leave early. While there, there wasn't much going on, so I got to spend some time with some of the day shift labor nurses and one of our doctors. The subject of marriage came up because one of our little day shifters had just gotten set up (that day!) with an IT guy at the hospital because he came up to fix a computer on our unit. We got to talking about how it would be "okay" for this girl to marry the guy by November (her dream wedding month and a mere 7-8 months in the future) because she would have the rest of her life to get to know him. She was concerned with not knowing him well enough before marrying him. I was helping the rest of the pack encourage her in this matter, and I mentioned that she would be "stuck with him" the rest of her life so it would be fine! The doctor, who just so happens to be the one I have the most contention with on the unit, then point blank asked if I was married. I responded that I am not, and he told me that that is the problem with our culture today, we don't see it as getting to be with a particular person. Instead, we see it as being stuck with a person.

Of course, I use words that I don't mean. Usually it is for comedic affect or to diminish the seriousness of the situation. That is was I was doing, but this guy already doesn't like me so he used it as a time to take a bit of a jab at me.

Honestly, I want to begin to not dread things so much. But, for as long as I can remember, I have learned to dread things so that I don't get my hopes up to merely be let down. It's a pattern I can pick out in most of my early memories and it has continued on into my adulthood. I feel like that's part of why I stuck it out with those stupid boys for so long, I was hoping that thing would get better, but I was mostly resigning myself to the fact that if I just stuck it out, I could survive. I didn't get my hopes up about grad school very much, and wasn't as hurt as I could have been when I got rejected. But maybe that kept me from fighting the way I could have for a spot in the program. Who knows?

After exboyfriend, I gave up my hopes that I would have a solid, healthy relationship. I stopped hoping for a good, let alone great, marriage. And I resigned myself to a life alone. After exfiance, I was sure that my life was meant to be carried out alone. Once I started having hope again, along came frickin ex-best friend to break all of my boundaries and I was set back several milestones, again.

With each of these traumatic instances and their fallout, I get farther and farther away from even being able to hope. Along with this, I begin to dread relationships more and more. Now, I not only avoiding hope, I am absolutely terrified of what a relationship would be like, how he will take the news of my story, how life would continue on, if the relationship would continue on. I freeze when I think of what marriage would be like. When I contemplate how my abuse will effect our marriage, our kids, our time together. I wonder if marriage will be unbearable and if I will simply be a thorn in his side because of how I've learned to handle things and the baggage I bring to the marriage. I downright tremble with legitimate fear when I think of what our marriage bed will hold. What horrors I will be pulled back to, the pain I will cause him as my story continues to mar this type of intimacy between us. I wonder if these painful experiences (for both of us) will be things that we will be able to work through, or if I will regress horribly again and it will end up with all of us damaged beyond belief.

To say that I am in a place of dreading relationships is a great understatement to my current season in life.

I desperately want to find excitement when I think of what a relationship would be like. I want to imagine joy and friendship and other good things when I think of marriage. And I wish I could look forward to what a honeymoon and marriage bed inevitably brings.

I wish I could figure out how to love my body better, my whole body and my whole self. Don't think I haven't tried for most of my life. It starts to get better, then goes through extreme rough patches regularly. Now, I have a ridiculously tall, thick, iron-clad wall around my heart. I can feel it. I see it. It's next to tangible. Plus, my mind won't let me associate anything good with sexuality. Not with flirting (which I recently figured out with major help from my sweet counselor), not with dressing cute to where a guy might think I'm cute, and not with kissing or thinking about anything further with a husband. Apparently it's called avoidance... if you want to get technical. For me, however, there's a literal block and unimaginable fear associated with such things. How am I supposed to love my whole self if there are parts of me that I would't touch with a 1000 mile pole? And if I can't love my whole self, how is anyone else supposed to?



One thing I allowed myself to not dread this month/week/year, though, is my birthday. I told a couple of friends at work and they planned a whole little birthday surprise for me. We had sundae's and a cake (even though I wasn't supposed to eat cake because of the Feast of Unleavened Bread). They sang to me, told patients about me, and made me feel special all week. Then, my mom drove from Home Town to College Town (an hour to an hour and a half each way) to personally deliver a bouquet of flowers to my floor. She spruced up a beautiful bouquet of mixed flowers with an extra dozen roses, for a very specific 2 dozen that she was very adamant about. I couldn't figure out why I needed so many roses, until I got a moment to think about it. She got me 2 dozen roses because I turned 24 this year!!! Duh! Thing is, she drove all that way, was super creative by adding roses, and dropped them off without calling me to the front desk because she wanted to surprise me. Then, silly lady, she left before I could give her a hug! She didn't wait or anything!!! I called her as soon as I got out of my patients room and was presented with them from our unit secretary, and I thanked her profusely as tears streamed down my face. I don't believe I've ever felt so special as I did for my birthday this year. I felt so loved at work, my family and extended family all texted me, and a dear friend from work got me a card and went out to dinner with me before work. I allowed my friends and family to celebrate with me and it was a wonderful experience! I feel, still, so cherished.

What that tells me is that I'm learning to slowly start to open up. You know this, I'm sure. I'm the one that is the slow one to realize it. I'm able to share parts of my story instead of avoiding it completely. I'm beginning to find friends and find enjoyment instead of fear when I am with them. And I'm sure, someday, maybe marriage could be something that G-d could use as a source of joy and grace and perhaps even a little enjoyment. I pray G-d heals me in this area. I pray that I am not always so fearful, so terrified of relationships. I hope that someday I can be a success story for the L-rd. But, for right now, I'm in another heavy season, and it'll be awhile before we know how this story ends.

I'll keep you guys in the loop ;)

With love,
BA

"This Was Supposed to Happen"

Ever since my first instance of sexual abuse, I have begun to take "encouragement" from people differently. I have struggled with things they intend as being caring, and often become angry. While I try to listen and accept what they are saying with grace, there is often misinformation and ignorance behind these words.

One of the worst offenses for me comes with the phrases:

"G-d meant for this to happen."

"He only gives certain things to people that He knows can handle it."

"This was meant to be a way to help shape you for further life purposes."

{fill in from your experiences}




While I agree that G-d can bring forth beauty from ashes and healing from unimaginable pain, I truly do not believe that He causes things like trauma to happen.

Often, I have heard from pastors, rabbis, teachers, and mentors that G-d does not cause bad things to happen. Yet, in the very next week's sermon, they teach about how G-d causes things to happen so that you might be taught lessons and these just so happen to occur as hard times, traumatic instances, and sins.

These two separate teachings sound like contradictions to me.

He might allow them to happen, but He does not cause them to happen. G-d cannot cause sin to occur, nor does He tempt us. He does not cause traumatic instances, death, or destruction to occur. It's not who He is! G-d is wholly good, ALL of the time. Isn't that what we are taught from the same stage that is instructing us that we screwed up to allow devastation befall us?

With this argument that G-d does not cause bad things, my mind is drawn to the story of Job. G-d did not cause Job's children to die. Nor did G-d cause Job's servants and livestock to perish. G-d did not steal away Job''s wealth, happiness, health, or destroy his life. What we see in this story is something that continues to shock me and cause turmoil, because G-d essentially allowed Satan to have full control over the circumstances befalling Job. Then factor in that this occurs in what seems to be a BET of Job's faithfulness. However, G-d did not cause a single thing to happen to Job, only Satan did that. G-d allowed it all to happen, within very precise boundaries that He gave Satan.

I don't know about you, but it bothers me to my core that G-d does not completely protect us. However, He does only allow things to happen to us that He knows we can bear. Still, HE DOES NOT CAUSE US HARM!!!

Am I getting my point across?

This is why, when people tell me that G-d only gives us what we can handle, and He meant for us to go through certain traumas, it is incredibly offensive to me. In these times, the words coming out of their mouths are telling me that G-d chose my abuser, gave him the idea to sexually assault and rape me, and that all of this was in His (G-d's) plan for my life.

THAT'S TOTAL CRAP!

It is not the picture we are given in the Bible. It is not the teachings that are given from the mouth of G-d. And I completely understand why people walk away from G-d after traumatic life happenings, if these are the only things they are taught about G-d!

I understand that people do not say these "encouraging" things out of malice, or hatred, or from a place of trying to harm others. However, it is still not G-dly encouragement nor is it truth. I get that my personal offense is taken, basically, due to an issue with semantics and the way these leaders and teachers use their words. Not all survivors are able to process the sermons in this way, though, and so they simply hear that their abuse was their fault according to religion and religious leaders. How can anyone come into the healing and peace of G-d if they believe G-d caused them this anguish and that He and His people hold the survivor at fault for what has happened?




Recently I watched a video of a pastor telling people not to ask "Why me L-rd?" He recounts a sermon he had taught about brokenness, trials, and life struggles. He encourages his flock to not ask G-d "why me" when going through seasons of difficulty because G-d chose them for that difficulty. That He uses these things to teach people how to be people that G-d needs them to be. While I appreciate the heart and meaning behind this message, I think we often get trauma mixed up with seasons of teaching and the trials that are meant to teach us things. No wonder there is so much shame in the body of believers! This teachings tells survivors of horrendous evils that it was their fault that a particular thing happened because: they weren't strong enough, G-d wanted something bad to happen to them, they weren't good enough, their life is destined to be a life of pain, and they deserved the things that happened to them. Along side them (teachers, pastors, etc), and often reinforcing the teaching of these things, are people who have not necessarily been through such traumas.

Sometimes G-d does want to teach us things, but sometimes Satan plants an idea in somebody's mind and they carry out an evil act against another. The key here is to not get the 2 mixed up, and to allow people to come forward freely to talk about their pains, seasons of struggling, traumatic experiences, what they've survived, and what they are going through.

The other thing that really bugged me about this particular pastor's teaching, is that he is essentially cutting off a major form of intimacy and communication with our creator. When looking at the story of Job, Daniel, David, the disciples, Naomi, Ruth, Esther, and countless others, we see them questioning the circumstances and teachings in their lives. QUESTIONING DOES NOT NECESSARILY NEGATE FAITH!

We all wonder why things happen. We wonder why G-d allows certain things to take place and we question the meaning of our lives. When we are able to bring our questions about life and life events to the One who is overseeing all that happens, even in our deepest most intimate places, we are able to hope for answers.

We will not always get answers, and we aren't always supposed to. But sometimes, G-d gives us an answer, an explanation, or He allows us to see how His hand is playing a part in our life. For me, I am beginning to see how my ability to empathize with others has grown exponentially because of what I've experienced. I am learning that what I say matters and the patterns I see in my life have value to others that are on journeys to healing, as I still am. I am learning how to better walk beside people near me in their lives and struggles and to offer encouragement and friendly "counseling" (more of a listening ear). My heart has softened to the pain of others. I have moved from a place of sympathy to a place of empathy to a place of wanting to ease other's burdens, if by merely being a presence while they walk a very difficult path.

Personally, I still wrestle with G-d and ask Him why I was allowed to be abused, assaulted, raped, and cast aside. I ask Him why I was taught about life in the ways that I was, as a child. I question why I was allowed to be so traumatized, when I simply lived life according to the rules I was taught in church and what I believed He had taught me thus far. Why He didn't intervene in any of the countless times I was taken advantage of, held down, coerced, manipulated, and otherwise hurt. I also inquire as to why He didn't allow these guys to be persecuted when I went to the police. Why the judge decided exfiance wasn't dangerous enough to get a restraining order against to keep me safer and on the spectrum of being able to have police backup should he breech my boundaries (which he has many times since).

I don't think I will ever get answers for these things. However, I have not been punished for asking them. G-d allowed me to wrestle with Him, to yell and fight and punch and get it all out. Then He held me in His arms and allowed me to have peace. He gave me peace. He brought me close to His heart. After all of my fighting was through, even my fighting against Him, He drew near to me. In this place, I was given peace for the first time in years. It's a process though, I couldn't have been given peace without having been able to fight and yell and scream and wrestle with Him. It wouldn't have been the same, I wouldn't have the same understanding.


He doesn't cause bad things to happen to us and He doesn't require that we always follow with blind faith without asking questions. Just look to the Bible. Sometimes people were asked to follow "strange" instructions while being given no answers, but they asked questions. They didn't lose faith, but we are questioning in nature, that's how G-d created us. So, I think He can handle the inquiries we make of Him.

Meanings of Words

Growing up, most people get vocabulary lessons, word lists where you have to learn spellings nd definitions. Am I right? Am I the only one that ever got these?

Throughout childhood, you can learn words, the spellings (hopefully, but praise the L-rd for autocorrect and google!), and you can learn the dictionary's definitions of words.

As I've grown, and matured, and started continued living life, I have begun to understand the meanings of more and more words.

Examples:

• grief
• weeping
• pain
• suffering
• anguish
• abuse
• torment
• anxiety
• depression
• regret
• flashbacks
• poor relationships
• trauma

These are just a few examples. Now, more recent definitions of words I've just now come to understand include:

• forgiveness
• grace
• mercy
• redemption
• faithfulness
• compassion
• rejoice
• wisdom

Worship songs have come to mean different things to me now. Songs that used to be okayish and fun to sing are beginning to cause me to weep, and be still, and nearly fall to my knees with understanding (it's hard to fall to your knees when driving... just sayin'). I'm beginning to personalize and accept the redemption G-d is bringing forth with my story. I will struggle, I will wrestle, and I will fall backwards as I attempt to move forward in my healing. It's all normal. It's a part of being a human and growing and learning how to love the Good L-rd along with learning to love who He made you to be. 

I sure hope that my love and excitement for the L-rd continues to grow. I hope that someday, my story can be of help and that maybe I can bring encouragement. My hope is that I can understand and experience the love and excitement that David, Moses, Abraham, Ruth, Sarah, and so many others have experienced. I want to love the L-rd and search after Him the way Peter, Paul, Matthew, John have shown us to do. I want passion and enthusiasm. I want to know and experience love, marriage, community, connection with people, and multitudes of other wonderful words. I want to know healing and freedom and peace. 

I want to keep learning. 

My vocabulary lessons are not over.

My Session of Healing Prayer

As mentioned, my counselor lead me through a session of Healing Prayer. At first, it was really difficult. I felt my mind go blank and I couldn't go anywhere.

Eventually, though, G-d brought me to my NICU in Small Town. The NICU where I find such comfort, such joy, such realization of my dream to care for babies coming true. I absolutely loved this NICU when I was there and I miss it so much!

Anyway, I was there, standing at the entrance to one of the NICU bays. I didn't go in, there was no baby there, but I was comfortable.

Then He then brought me to a dark place. There were no walls, it wasn't pitch black, and I was not scared. I was just there sitting with my eyes closed, still not scared. When my vision came back a little, I could see myself sitting there, in Yeshua's lap as a little child, and he was simply rocking me. My eyes were closed, I was comfortable. His eyes were closed, and His face was so serene and peaceful.

I remembered my time spent in the nursery at church, with the little 1-2 years olds, and little 3 year olds that experienced so much separation anxiety. I remember helping to start with a church startup. I worked the childcare, of course, as my whole life had prepared me for. I worked with the nursery of children up to 1 year old, and then the next class of children going up to about 3 years old. With each week, I learned the children's personalities, and how to help them the best. I remember this one little boy who rarely stayed in the class, because he would cry so hard that we would have to call his mom back most weeks within 10-15 minutes of him being dropped off. Week after week, I tried my best to pull out all of my tricks to comfort him, and then some. I wrote little sheets to help other volunteers know what tricks worked best with each child. Thinking back, I was writing up careplans at the age of 16, before I ever knew what a careplan was. Now it just seems to make sense to me, having been through nursing school and working as a nurse for the last couple of years.

This particular little boy finally settled down one day, in my arms. I sat with him, on my lap, with my hand bringing his head to my chest. I "shhhhhhh" over and over, while my hand supported the area around his sweet little ear. Eventually, he calmed down. I released my grip and he brought my hand back to the side of his face, to resume the comforting pressure.

When I saw myself sitting in Yeshua's lap, He was supporting my little face against His chest in this fashion. Finally, after being the comforter for so many babies, children, friends, and others, I was finally being comforted by The Comforter. I was supported, protected, cherished, and a source of joy for the One who loves me, made me, and has walked with me my whole life.

Shortly after, I saw myself with Him in an open field. I was a child, in a white dress, dancing and enjoying my time in a field of little white flowers. I spent time dancing around with Him and other time laying in the soft grass enjoying the warmth and peace of His presence. Everything was bright and beautiful and clean. I was white and pure and innocent. I was loved and secure in my knowledge that I am loved. I was joyful and able to enjoy time being carefree without a care in the world.

I thanked Him for my time with Him, for Him showing up to be with me, and for what He's shown me. I thanked Him for all of the healing He brought about in such a short period of time and for the joy He's reinstated in my life so quickly.

I still tear up at the memories of the White Robe and what He did for me in the Healing Prayer session. I had never experienced visions before, and I truly believe that is what I experienced in these moments.

My Vision of a White Robe

In thinking about what I've written lately, I realized that I mentioned my vision of the White Robe but I never told you guys the story!!! Well, this simply cannot be!

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've been attending a Bible study. In this Bible study, we were going through Beth Moore's new study The Quest.

Y'all, this study is INTENSE! From the first week, I felt like I was physically wrestling with G-d. I sobbed for the first several weeks, struggled with much of the study, and yet continued on in the pages. At the Bible study class, I would cry during the videos, in a room full of about a hundred other women (and I don't like to cry in front of others). And then in small group, the weeping continued.

I was having such a difficult time! Many of the women were going through the study with no problems. They interpreted the questions far differently than I did. While the women were wearing smiles and having an "aaaaaaaaaahhh!" *angels singing* experience, I was roundabout ready to burn the book and take up my torch and pitchfork. I couldn't figure out why some people read these black and white questions so differently than I did. While some were asking "where were you G-d?" in a nice, calm, voice. I was demanding "WHERE WERE YOU G-D???!!!???"

In the second or third week, we were going through prayer requests, and I requested that the group pray for my healing. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted healing from. I felt this voice tell me to ask the women in my group to pray for healing. Well, with nothing to lose, and the encouragement of my counselor to find community and consider vulnerability, I asked them to pray for healing for me. They didn't pry much about healing from what, sensing that I didn't want to share, but they prayed for me. I don't know if they continued on through the next couple of weeks, and they didn't ask if healing had occurred when I showed up to bible study two weeks later. Nobody bridged the subject until I brought it up weeks and weeks later.

A couple of days later I was at church worshipping. I sat on the opposite side of the sanctuary than I normally sit. I had my eyes closed and wasn't singing because I didn't know the song. However, I recall it had something to do with forgiveness and being clothed in white. Since I wasn't singing, I took to pouring out my heart to G-d, interjecting the song into my prayers. Suddenly, I was prostrated... rather, in the fetal position, dressed in dark gray/black rags, and in the dark. Yeshua (Jesus) walked over to me and helped me up. then, in His hands, he held a pure white robe. He handed this to me and suddenly I was dressed in white. I was no longer dragged down by the shame, pain, and heaviness that has burdened my being for years. I was lighter. I was clean. I was forgiven.

I am forgiven.

Days later, I was working on my Bible study again, and it discussed one of the most important verses/scenes in the Bible to me since becoming Messianic. This portion of the Bible is where G-d comes to Peter in a vision in Acts 10, starting at verse 9. Peter was traveling (somewhere, I don't know where) and he was hungry. I imagine him being faint and probably either hangry, or so hungry that he's way past being hangry. Anyway, G-d shows him this vision of a blanket filled with tons of unkosher, unclean animals. Along with that, G-d tells Peter to "get up, kill, and eat". Peter almost loses it! He says "absolutely not!" (paraphrased). G-d tells Peter not to call anything unclean that which He has made clean (paraphrased from Acts 10:15 NIV). This conversation happens 3 times before the vision ends.

When learning Messianic traditions and views, this verse is used often. Some people use it to say that Gentiles and non-Jews are to be accepted and welcomed freely into the Jewish/Messianic faith. Others take it a little more literally and take it to mean that it's okay to eat bacon, lobster, and whatever other "un-kosher" foods they wish to eat. Others reference it when debating the need to circumcise males or not. For me, when G-d brought this verse back to my attention, it was a very real proclamation that I am clean, forgiven, accepted, and loved by the only One that can see my whole past and my whole heart and still proclaim true judgement over my life.

He calls me clean.

After the vision of my White Robe, I cried. I sobbed in the middle of worship. Those sitting next to me might have looked my way, but I didn't notice. They did give me weird glances when we all had to get to the weird meet-and-greet part of service that seems to be so common in churches between worship and the sermon. But I didn't even care because the junk that has plagued my life for most of my life has been forgiven and taken upon the L-rd. He took my burdens and replaced my heavy yolk with His own light one.

I've come to understand suffering. I know there is much more suffering in the world, much worse than mine. However, I understand feeling dirty, unacceptable, and unloveable. From struggles and troubles I've had my whole life, to the shame and guilt I experienced after all of my sexual abuse and best friend's incidence with me. In mere moments, a simple vision with Yeshua, He took it all away. I struggle with memories now, but it is nothing like living in the thick of suffering that I have been living in for so long. I literally feel lighter and not so run-down.

A week or two later, my counselor and I did a session of Healing Prayer. That too was intense. But that is a story for another post.

Much love,
BA

I Thought Life Would Look Different

I turn 24 in approximately 10 days.

You guys know, I don't like birthdays. I'm not a huge fan of the extra attention, looking back on yet another year that has come and gone, nor remembering how much I had planned to do before getting to this point.

When I was younger, I had hoped to at least be married by now. But, I'm solidly single. I've been single for several years now, and no prospects of that changing any time in the near future.

I had hoped to be in Small Town; learning more, training new staff, and working up the career ladder there.

I had hoped to be accepted into graduate school and working towards furthering my education.

Naively, I had also hoped to have started having kids by now. I want to be a young mom, but I watch those years go and go and go.

I know, I'll only be 24. Someday I will look back and remember how foolish I was for wanting to pile on all of the adult responsibilities at the same time, but I'm feeling impatient. I'm thinking of the ways that a marriage would benefit me for housing, companionship, and general support in the simplicities of life.

Then again, I begin thinking of how difficult relationships are... You have to share in a marriage. Share a kitchen, a bathroom, a house, a bed, and your life with another person. This other person was raised differently than you. Sure, you may love them, but everything that they have come from is different than what you came from. Different family dynamics, different expectations, different bedtime routines, different views on life, different food/cooking preferences, and different ideas of how marriage is supposed to work.

As if that weren't enough, you have to share your day with them. Share thoughts, feelings, and emotions and try to continue to connect with them... every day.

And, if that all doesn't have your feathers ruffled, you're supposed to share your body with them as well?



I know, I know. Here's yet ANOTHER stinking post about how stupid trauma has effected my life and how I am sad about what it's done. I should be able to just get over it eventually, right? Didn't that time that I should have been over it come and go? Shouldn't I be moving on? Finding joy? Starting life over and hoping for the best?

Well, kind of. I guess I'm still mourning. I'm mourning the loss of what was stolen from me. I'm mourning for the dreams that I killed and buried all those years ago. I'm mourning the years of life stolen from me, as I have been climbing my way out of a deep, deep pit I was forced into. I'm mourning the life that cannot be, the goals that cannot be fulfilled, and the plans that I had.

G-d has different plans, better plans than I could ever imagine. He's got plans that will hopefully make a beautiful tapestry out of the tangled ends that I have come to. He's got plans that are so far beyond my comprehension, that I will never understand them.

However, I'm allowing myself to mourn this anniversary of life.

3 years ago, I came to this season with excitement, but low expectations, for my 21st birthday. I decided to celebrate my birthday that year and tell some people. I decided to allow people to make a big deal about me. 3 weeks later, my life came to a screeching halt. I had innocence forcefully torn from me. I was held down and my pleading was ignored. Unthinkable things were done to me and it put my life on pause. For 3 years, I have been stuck in survival mode. I am beginning to break free and start to live again. However, I have lost 3 years of my life, completely. Sure, I graduated, worked, and G-d brought me through. But I didn't live.

In 7 days marks the 4th anniversary of Country Boy's death by suicide. It, in itself, was highly traumatizing for me. Upon that loss, the trauma has continued to pile on. That loss started the Complex in the Complex PTSD. He was 19. Didn't even make it until he was 20. He didn't wait until he was 21. He carried a lot of grief and pain with him. It crushed him. I still remember the pain in his eyes. The hope he had that someone else understood his grief when we started talking about death on that little date at the Starbucks in Target. I made up some crap story, but deep inside, I wanted to tell him of my struggles with suicidal thoughts too. It never occurred to me that other people struggled with it too! I didn't want to bring him down on our mini date! I didn't want to burden him with more grief and worry than he already had.



You see, I shouldn't be older than 19, in my head. I "functioned" from 19 to 21, but L-rd knows I wasn't living. My life slowed down with the death of Country Boy. At the moment of my first assault with exboyfriend, my life came to a standstill. Time with exfiance was spent fighting to breath another day, and continued to stand still.

So now, I get to my 24th birthday feeling like a failure. Where has my life gone?

New Steps

Tonight I went to a friend's house. This sweet girl is a girl I work with. She is incredibly kind and friendly and everybody loves her.

I spent the night, just talking with her. Not talking of things of much consequence, and another friend from work stopped by, but I left feeling slightly more filled. I wonder how she does that. She knows she is able to build people up in the things she does and says, and I don't understand how it is that she is able to do such a thing, while being conscious of it, and still remaining humble. I like it. I'm a little jealous that it's not something that I really do, but I'm glad that she is able to do that for others.

I'm still working on figuring out the gifts G-d's given me. It might be closer to a mentoring role than me being charismatic and friends with everyone...

In related/unrelated news, this week in counseling I didn't cry. I normally do, to the point of it being concerning how much I cry. So, to walk out with a smile on my face, and to do more giggling than sniffing, was a great day.

My sweet counselor said some things that really made me start thinking. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to start mentoring middle school and high school aged girls. I also keep mentioning to her when I feel the L-rd is nudging me to share my story, or teach a bible study, or step back from a different bible study... and she prayerfully encourages me and we process what I think I'm being led to do, against what might be me trying to regress or avoid. She's wonderful and I am so grateful to have someone that is able to know my back story, who has faith to be able to guide me in things of faith, and all the while she is teaching me how to process life and G-d for when I might not be in counseling with her anymore.

So, I told her I felt like I wanted to mentor teens/young adults. Through the course of the conversation, she mentioned that she's thought about having me teach the Sexual Trauma Support Group (that I am presently in) with her, in the future. Now, I don't know if it will be a thing that ever actually works out, but I don't think that she's lying about that thought crossing her mind. My whole life I have believed that I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute. However, in the few times that I find myself contributing, people around me come back later (usually after knowing me for a few years) and they mention how quiet and reserved I am, but how deep and insightful my words tend to be.

I'm starting to believe them.

Who knows? Maybe one day I will teach a bible study. Maybe one day I will teach a kid's class, a middle/high school sermon, or perhaps even nursing students (eventually?). Perhaps, someday, I might have something worth saying to teach people. For right now, I am just working on walking beside them and sharing little snippets from my short 23 (almost 24) years on this earth.

Bible Studies

Bible studies are supposed to be feel-good experiences, right? Times in life where you can go, connect with believers in your church/congregations, and learn about G-d. Am I right in this? Or are these just thoughts coming from left field?

Maybe I'm just one of the few that have found bible studies that have caused me to question many things that have held fast as "truths" in my life. I've been a part of a couple of studies now, that have shaken me thoroughly. All for good, but it's been a rough ride, nonetheless.

I've wrestled with G-d. I've sobbed uncontrollably. I've begun to hope for a fresh start and a newness in my walk. Most of all, I've discovered that many of the "truths" I've learned throughout my life have been nothing more than deep seated lies that I, unfortunately, clung to because it was all I had.

Bible study #1: The Quest: An Excursion Toward Intimacy with God - by Beth Moore

Bible study #2: Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed: A Study of David - by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore, and Kay Arthur

Bible study #3: Surprised by the Healer: Embracing Hope for Your Broken Story - by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery

First off, I'm still in the middle of bible study #2 and just started #3 last week (I got the book today). All I can say is oh. my. goodness.

Y'all, I read Surprised by the Healer all today! It's composed of 9 women's stories of sexual brokenness, of one type or another, and I could not read it fast enough. I plumb gobbled it up! It took me all of about 5.5 hours to complete, with bathroom and Facebook breaks (because these stories are all intense), and I completed it all in an evening. Granted, there is a bible study with questions that is at the end of the book, that I haven't started on, but I read all of the stories through.

The Quest had me wrestling, sobbing, yelling, angry, and fighting to come closer to G-d. He broke down walls, let me have my tantrums, but He didn't let me stay there in the anger. My ladies at bible study prayed for healing for me after the second or third week of me going to my counselor overwhelmed, and He started healing me in more tangible ways. The ladies didn't know what I needed healing from. They initially didn't know how He had healed me when I came back thanking them for praying. Last week, for the first time, I shared a bit more of my story with them and He extended even more healing to me through that. This bible study is the exact bible study I needed at this time in my life. It wouldn't have helped any earlier, and L-rd knows I needed to not wait any longer. It is the beginning of a season of true healing and grace for me, and it is still difficult, but the lines of communication are no longer muffled between the Good L-rd and I (muffled because of walls I put up, obviously He doesn't put up walls!)

Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed is a study I am still working through. G-d is allowing me to take a deeper look at the life of David, and the mistakes he made, while also seeing why he was called "a man after G-d's own heart". As mentioned in the study, "not all devastation begins with sin" (slight paraphrase because the "quote" was solely based on my limited memory). G-d brings us through pain and tribulation that is sometimes a result of sin, but sometimes it's simply a result of other people choosing evil and you just so happen to be the one that gets hurt. L-rd knows I've sinned a lot in my life, but sometimes, not every bad thing that happens to me is my fault. I didn't deserve the assaults, the rape, the abuse, the problems. I didn't ask for them and I certainly didn't make anyone hurt me the way that they did. Unfortunately, I was unable to make better choices to prevent these things from happening, but I was also not well equipped, and so I'm struggling to show myself grace for fighting with my limited defense choices.



Folks, these bible studies have allowed G-d to awaken a deep desire to know Him that has been hidden away for years. Surprised by the Healer mentions that pain can be a good thing. Pain can allow you to come to the end of yourself, to let you understand brokenness so that you can actually understand healing and love. Pain can knock you out of your rut, your routine "religious/Christian/perfect/faith-filled" life into a life of true faith, true intimacy with G-d, and true devotion. Only when you have experienced pain can you truly understand why it is that you need G-d and how He provides for you. Intimacy is something I so crave; from friends, relationships, family, G-d. I don't like the surface-level questions and answers. When I ask how you are, I want to know how you are. I want to know your struggles, your joys, your real-life miracles. I want to be able to see how G-d is working in your life, and how you have been able to overcome the unthinkable. I want to have in-depth discussions of what G-d is speaking to you about, what He is showing you in the Word, and how you are applying that to your life. I want to be able to walk beside you in life and be able to glean wisdom from your life, and you can maybe glean some wisdom from mine. I want the kind of intimacy where G-d comes and sits at the coffee table with us, and infuses our time with the highest of highs, because He is walking with us and letting us learn through our lows.

I'm so sick of talking about clothes, the weather, if I'm dating anyone right now, and how my family is.

I want to know people.

I want people to know me.

I just want to know that the struggles I've faced were not faced in vain and alone. I want to know that come kind of good can come from the pain I've experienced. I want to know that my story has either prevented someone else from experiencing the same things I have, or that my story is able to bring comfort and healing to someone who has already walked through something similar.

I want to know that this is not all for nothing. That something good can come from this mess.

I want to know that I will not die, keeping secrets buried with me, that could have helped someone. Anyone. Even if it's a single person, in the entirety of time, at least it was of benefit to them.

I need to know that there is something more to all of this suffering. And my story is not even close to being the worst I've read or heard from others!!!



How can I be used to help in healing others? I haven't experienced the worst of pains, but the pain I have is the worst I've survived. How am I supposed to be able to speak life into others? How can my life be used to bring any comfort or support to someone else? How can G-d use a little baby nurse to do His work?

I feel absolutely inadequate to do much of anything. I don't even know how to keep friends for any length of time because I push them away or I attracted the types of people that only hang out with me while I am beneficial to them. How is that supposed to be any help if relationships aren't my strong suit? Don't even get me started on dating or marriage!!!

I want G-d to use my story, my life. I just can't imagine how He'll do it.


And yet, I feel called to something bigger.