"Don't you ever say that again."

I had another weird day. I was flustered, couldn't talk, and I was irritated but all for no reason. Then my brother got mad at me (because he's always mad at me now) and I suggested that he go live in the dorms next year. That didn't help the situation at all.

Amidst all of that craziness, I was trying to make myself some "dinner." Well, I made some toast, eggs, and sausage. Anyway, I go to put the egg in the pan to fry and this happens...

The shell made it into the pan while the yolk completely missed. How does that even happen?

I sent that picture to my mom with a caption of: "I'm so bad at life. :(" I meant it as a joke. She didn't take it as such.

Her reply: "I really don't want you to see (I think she meant hear) you say that again. You are given special life and I cherish u."

Then, I was choking back the tears, trying to clean this mess up and I feel kinda guilty now. I know that G-d gave me this life for a reason. He had to do so many miracles and He brought me here against many odds. However, I am screwing it all up! I wanted to be in nursing school soooooo bad, but now I'm nearly flunking two of my classes. At this point, there is a good chance I could get kicked out of nursing school. For real, I'm not just exaggerating here. I am so overwhelmed, so lonely, frustrated, burnt out, and crazed lately I don't know what I'm doing!

I keep wondering if G-d wants me here, but He wouldn't have let me get in if He didn't. Then I realize that I'm blowing this whole nursing school thing because I keep screwing around and not studying when I need to. That is why I'm getting bad grades. Still, I can't keep focused on what I need to do and then I get to panicking again.

I had a minor anxiety attack this afternoon because I'm over stressed. I think I am going to go get checked out for psych problems, but I don't even know what to say. Do I just call up and say, "Hey, I think I'm depressed. Can I get a psych consult?" That seems weird!

I did quite a bit of studying tonight, but it's not even close to being enough. This is just too much! I don't know what I'm doing! My teachers have given up on us and the semester went from bad to worse in a matter of weeks. This is the most hopeless I've felt in years. I'm drowning and have no lifeboat or flotation device anywhere. I can't handle this.

Labor Day Weekend

Did you do anything fun for the extended weekend? Our university gave us Monday and Tuesday off so we (my brother and I) went home to see our parents. They surprised us with futons! Normally we had been crashing on the couch because we took our beds with us to furnish our apartment. However, they wanted us to be comfortable so they saved up and bought us futons, blankets, pillows, sheets, and everything so that we would be more comfortable. It was so sweet but I feel bad that they keep buying us so much stuff. My parents are always sending us money in the mail, buying us things for the apartment, coming down to buy our groceries, giving us gas money, etc. I know that they care for us and they just want us to not have to stress but I know that they don't really have the money to be able to do that all the time either. Still, they give us what they can even though they raised us not expecting help so we are fine without it. Maybe someday I will understand why they do it. They say that they feel bad that they can't pay for all of our college and bills but I don't think that they should have to. This is what being an adult is about. We have to learn to stand on our two feet, fight for what we believe in, and learn to live within our means so that we can invest in our education/future.



Another one of my friends got married...



Work wasn't so bad but I desperately need a new job. Something that allows me to think like a nurse. Maybe something that doesn't require me to only wipe butts...



I went to church again. That makes 2 weeks in a row!



I have to go study. TTFN (tata for now; Yes, that is from Tigger).

Disappointing End, But Finished Nonetheless

I got a 65% on my micro comprehensive final and received a B in the class overall. I am disappointed with myself, but I'm finished with the class and passed it so that's good.

My visit with my mom was wonderful. She took us out to dinner and having someone else cook whatever you feel like eating is a beautiful treat.

Today, Sunday, is the day I usually work but I took it off to begin studying and reading for my week-long nutrition class. I am slightly more motivated to do well in this class because I don't want any more B's ever again in my college career. A-'s are hard enough to bear, I can't stand anything lower than that. I have discovered that I am more inclined to study before I am stressed out and behind for a class. So, that's what I'm doing today. When I get behind and feel so pressured, I just want to throw in the towel. Therefore, from now on, I am going to try to stay ahead of the game to keep my cortisol levels down, some anxiety at bay, and maybe I will even have some free-time this year! Doubt it, but it could happen.

Off to the grocery store to buy things for Chicken Coconut soup. It sounds weird, I know. But it's not sweet and it's lactose and gluten intolerant friendly. I am slightly lactose intolerant, it makes my face break out and sometimes makes me sick. It's really unfortunate though because I love creamy, milk laden, meals and cheese. So, coconut milk gives me the sense that I am eating what I used to be able to eat and enjoy. I'll post the recipe soon.

Daily Thanksgiving: Micro is complete. I don't have work today. I get to eat Coconut Chicken Soup!

Future Husband

Yesterday I worked a double at work (15 hours) and my favorite evening LPN and my favorite CNA's worked too! All of the residents were really tired too so they all went to bed early. This left me in a position I've never been in before... I was finished with my duties 2 hours early... AS THE FLOAT! That never happens, especially to me. But I put more people to bed than I am required to, I finished all of my work and then some. So, I got to chat with my pals. The LPN is the girl trying to set me up with her brother and she is in cahoots with one of my favorite CNA's that worked last night. They kept asking me silly questions then would freak out when I gave them my answers.

LPN: "Do you like cats?"
Me: "I'm allergic to cats, so not really." (Readers, I don't have anything against them, their are adorable but I can't do anything about allergies so please don't be offended by this answer.)
LPN: "*gasp* He doesn't like cats! What about dogs?"
Me: "I like dogs."
LPN: "What kind? Do you like dobermans?"
Me: "I love dobermans, I was planning on getting one anyway once I get a house with a yard."
LPN: *Goes nuts gasping, smiling, almost having a stroke with excitement*
Me: *Thinks to self: 'She is really getting way over-excited! Her brother will probably not even really "like" me, especially not enough to marry me'*

That conversation carried on for about an hour or so. Her and a couple other CNA's just kept asking questions about me, silly question, and they convinced themselves we would be perfect for each other. I'm not saying that G-d couldn't bring me my husband this way, but let's be honest, it's not necessarily realistic to be planning on marriage from this. Plus, she would want me to be a missionary dater (someone to date someone else in order to help the second person improve their life, find G-d, etc). I will not do that because it would all go away once we break up. Plus, if they changed their life for me instead of for G-d and for themselves, then it's not necessarily real. It would likely be an act that would cause strife, resentment, and a host of other ill-feelings towards the entire situation, G-d, me, and his sister.

This whole ordeal has gotten me to thinking about what I want in a husband and the absolute foremost thing I need is for him to love G-d more than anyone or anything, including more than me or our children or his family. G-d is most important because marriage is only for this life, it doesn't transfer into eternity. G-d created us for eternity, for Himself. If He chooses to bless us with a companion for our life here then so be it. If not, we are still His and our relationship is the only thing that will last for eternity. So, he has to love G-d more than anyone or anything and he has to have this love and connection with Him before I ever meet him. I don't want this passion for G-d to be on my account because I would have no way of knowing if it is all an act for me or not. Truly, I will never really know if it's real because I cannot know his heart for certain, but I trust that the L-rd will reveal the truth before we marry and likely before we start dating.

Daily Thanksgiving: I have friends at work! I keep having to think about dating but G-d is showing me that marriage may be a possibility in my future because I had really been struggling with thoughts that I am unmarryable (I think I just made that word up but you know what I mean). I have the next 3 days off to study, do homework, get caught up and ahead in micro. I have a coffee date with my nursing school mentor/G-d adviser today. I get to volunteer tomorrow night. Work went really well yesterday. I have an apartment! I don't have to drive 2 hours each way everyday. It's rainy today, which I absolutely love. G-d is reassuring me in this journey of life. He is correcting me and leading me.

Beauty of Summer School

Life was good just a few hours ago. Then, I get a call from my friend about our summer microbiology course. It turns out that we were signed up for micro at a campus far from the campus we had signed up for the course at. Long story short, I will have a 45 minute to an hour long drive from the place I am staying at this summer to my summer course instead of a 20 minute drive. We had even physically gone down to the campus we wanted to attend in order to sign up, but we were signed up for another course. We are all human and all make mistakes, but it doesn't make this any less frustrating. Now the campus that we want to be at does not have any seats open and we may not even be able to be on a wait-list. Plus, if I get into this other course, I will miss the first 4 Monday classes and labs because I may be in work, unless G-d can allow my manager to let me have those days off even though I am already scheduled.

What was I thinking trying to take a summer class? This whole ordeal has proved to be nothing but difficulty after difficulty. I was also told to turn in the wrong tax year information and so there is a good chance I will not get financial aid...

Oy vey! Yes, this phrase is usually meant for more traumatic occasions, but I am at my wits end with schooling. What was I thinking even trying to go to college in he first place? They make it so difficult!

In other news, I found out that my rabbi was a biology major before he became a rabbi. He told me this on Shabbat when he was catching up with me about my schooling. It's interesting how people don't talk to you until after you leave for extended periods of time. Then, all of a sudden they feel the need to have these long, in-depth conversations every time you return. I'm not much for social interaction of any kind, but I do little social experiments on my own to pass the time. This was one such observation/study I have begun recently. I'll keep y'all updated.

Beautiful Shabbat

Y'all, I actually rested today! I read Torah portion in bed, then stayed in bed all day long. That's over exaggerated, I left bed to use the bathroom and to get food or water, but besides that I stayed in bed. I got to nap and watch some movies and shows and it was just beautiful to be able to not worry about anything.

I also got my grade back from my last anatomy lab test... drumroll... G-d gave me a 94%!!! If only I would have studied harder for my other lab tests, then I wouldn't be looking at getting a B in anatomy, but I was foolish. Anyway, praise the L-rd for giving me my first A on an anatomy lab test this semester. That good grade gave me motivation to get started studying for chem (after sunset of course) which is why I am up at 11:30 writing this post instead of sleeping like I ought to do.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful for Shabbat, this beautiful day of rest G-d has given us because He knows life gets busy and He wants us to make time for Him and time for rest. I am still not keeping Shabbat like I should, but I will get there. I got to take a nap! Yesterday I also packed a lot of my room and now it's really empty, but it felt good to get something productive done without having to continue studying. G-d gave me an excellent grade on my last anatomy lab test and I was totally expecting a low B or C!

1 Test Left...

I am down to one test, and my paper (but I'm just not going to finish that by tomorrow's peer edit). Today's test was in psych and I really don't think that I did well at all. I'm so scared that I'm going to fail all of my tests because of my procrastination and lack of studying last week and the week before. Oh well, it's my fault and hopefully this will teach me to start studying in advance, even though it would be much more fun to go play outside with my friends. Tomorrow is my last A&P test for the week and it's really freaking me out because I'm so lost in the material. L-rd willing, I will get a good grade on this test, but He is the only One who can get me a good grade because A&P is killing me!

After my test, P (my guy friend) came over to do homework and to keep me focused on studying. He was over for nearly 3 hours and I hardly did anything. Then he went to dinner, which I skipped, and when he came back I had only taken a little nap. But he stayed for another 4 hours and we finished my study questions! The sweet kid took 5 pages of notes for me as I talked out the study questions. Z (my super close girl friend) says he's fallen pretty hard for me, which I don't understand, but he is such a kind-hearted guy. I've never had anyone push me to study as hard as he did and he's always saying that he's rooting for me. This is such a different experience than I thought it would be. I figured that since I'm so awkward and strange, I would always have a hard time being around people, especially if I ever got into a relationship (we are still pre-relationship status...). However, with P, it's so easy to just be me. When I'm sleepy and just want to lay there, he will sit with me. When I had a super hard day, he wants to hear about every little thing that happened (as much as I am allowed to say with HIPPA and all). When I'm happy or sad about something, he is happy or sad with me. I can be goofy, stressed, upset, exstatic or anything and he is right there with me. He shows me grace when I say ridiculous stuff that could have upset him. He respects my boundaries and is often times  encouraging me to do the best that I can and work to get better. He shows me patience and kindness in all he does with me and he teaches me so much about his world while still wanting to learn about mine. He despises needles, shots, and blood, but he still listens to me vent about cadavers and medical stuff. He also teaches me about sports and music and random stuff he is into. I also tell him the random little health facts about everything that I think of and he seems interested in those totally random tidbits. Not even my family pretends to like those! I know that we are still in the early stages of a possible relationship, and G-d will have to tell me if P is the one or not, but through this friendship, I am learning that there is hope for me after all.

I could go on and on about my past and what this friendship is growing into, but I will leave that to another post, or other posts, because I need to get back to studying for anatomy!

Daily Thanksgiving: I am very thankful that G-d has allowed me to meet P, Z, and B (the roommate of P). G-d is teaching me so much about relationships through these friends of mine, not just "romantic" relationships (another gross word), but I have learned so much about grace and I have found other people like me. We are all fairly soft-spoken and we have been used by the world because we are all kind and willing to give the shirts off our backs. I am thankful that I have gotten in so much studying and also that I only have one more paper to do. Also, I am thankful for Cloverton's music and also Francesca Battistelli's music for being my soundtrack to study by when P is over. 

Well, That's Embarassing!

I apologize for yet another post about this pre-relationship thing going on, but it's consuming all of my thinking and I have to let it out and "talk" it out because I have three tests coming up that I cannot focus enough to study for.

So my guy friend told his roommate and my close friend. We are calling the Roommate B and my close girl friend Z. For the sake of easier writing, my guy friend will be P. Are we good? Anyway, so P told B and Z, without my knowledge, about our talk and confessions yesterday. This apparently made for some knowing looks and giggles because I say stupid things. We were talking about just random stuff, like sleeping, and I waited for a few other people to finish up their talking then decided that I should contribute to the conversation. BIG MISTAKE! B and Z exchanged knowing glances and smiled, likely giggling quietly to themselves at my foolish choice of speaking times. How embarrassing! I didn't even mean it the way they took it, but that's the price of talking about "feelings"... I think I better go lie down before I stress myself out too much over all the stupid things I'm fixin' to say. I had also better figure out how to go back to not talking... EVER. I used to never talk, I don't know what happened to me.

Today went well though. I can't pay attention during class, but I actually got to sleep in a little bit today so that was nice. I also studied for another hour and a half with a good friend who is in all of my classes. She is so awesome and chill and I am so glad G-d brought her into my life.

Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't say anything stupider than what I did at breakfast. Also, now I know who to watch what I say around because I guarantee I am going to be at the butt of a huge amount of jokes. It's cool though, I've been at the butt of jokes most of my life... (That wasn't supposed to sound like self-pity or sad, it's just a funny fact about yours truly.) I have studied quite a bit and I know most of the models that will be on my test. After this week, I only have to worry about finals and the HESI, but I will get a slight break before madness descends on my life, a very short break. Guys, Monday is done and G-d allowed me to survive!!! He will get me through this life. Everything threatens to break me, but I know that He will allow me to survive as long as He sees fit, then I get to go home and not worry about being so foolish, awkward and ridiculously bad at being around anything/anyone but rocks. I like rocks, except for when they decide to attack me, which actually happens a lot... Probably because I talk to them too much...

See!?! My brain does not work right now and I have to study!!!!!!!!!!!