I listened to the World...

Let's take just a moment to realize all that the L-rd does for us and all that He leads us through. He has led me through countless months of depression, episodes of anxiety, stressful exam weeks, bad grades, doubt, illness/injuries, bad friendships, and so much more that I can't even recall at this point. Not to mention, He is constantly working in ways that we may never be able to see. He protects us, lets us make little mistakes and then fixes them or teaches us to live with the consequences. He blesses us with circumstances to learn from, faith building opportunities, and even times when the blessings aren't in disguise. Oh how I long for some more "see-able" blessings, but I know they are there even when I am so self-involved I am unable to notice them all around.

Now, let's talk advice. I'm not going to shell any out. Let's just discuss where we get our advice from. I would like to tell myself that I listen to G-d for advice. In reality, I call my parents to ask them. I then take their input and compare it to what my friends say. Then, I weigh my options and take that back to my parents. This, of course, must be discussed with the social circle again and maybe even on Facebook. By the end of the decision making spiral, I'm past the point to make the decision and no conclusion has been decided upon.

Guess what happens when I actually do make a decision using this method. You're probably right, it turns out VERY BADLY!!! Actually, it can often result in catastrophic issues. Well, y'all know I exaggerate slightly, right? I do. This catastrophic occurrence may be fixable, but it is darn near impossible to fix without G-d taking over my whole mess. His grace and love have fixed my life more times than I can even imagine.

Why do I do this? I know that my life will be in all sorts of shambles when I use this decision making process, but I cannot convince myself to just take it to Him to begin with.

I keep listening to the World lately. That's why I bring this up. My World even includes my mom, trusted family friends, mentors, and other people I considered wise and trusted. However, it is not their fault that my life is currently more than I can handle. Yes, they gave me foolish advice but G-d had told me years ago what I needed to do. I made the dumbest decision and went against that. Now my bad decisions are causing me multiple panic attacks a day (I had 5 in one 3 hour class), I am stressed to the max, my focus is non-existent (which is really like being in the negatives because it didn't exist before), and I'm angry all the time. Most of this anger is at myself for being such a foolish girl and the rest of it is pure sinful anger at nothing at all. I'm quickly spiraling into a worse and worse situation.

Regardless of this mess I'm still digging myself into, G-d gives me moments of peace when I choose to go to Him for protection, grace, calm, relief and Shalom. He knows I screwed up. He also knows how this whole thing will end and how to get me through it. His love abounds and it is completely unfathomable. My mind is blown at how Great, Awesome, Wonderful, Loving, Merciful, Gracious, Incredible, and *insert more/better adjectives for G-d here* Ad-nai truly is. In the midst of my terrible store, I am filled with love and calm. This is especially amazing because I don't even feel this calm and peaceful when I'm not going through "Life's Storms" (or the storms I create for myself).

Praise the L-rd for His forgiveness and patience! Praise the L-rd simply because He is who He is despite who we are.

Trying Something New...

If you've followed me for any length of time, you probably know that I am neurotic and really weird when it comes to dating. I wasn't planning on dating until later into my college career but my plans have changed.

I got a boyfriend today. Wow, that is weird to say.

It's my best friend from last year. He asked me out before and I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. However, I'm taking a leap of faith and giving into my heart for once. It may blow up in my face and then I'll be right back on here venting about how stupid I was for ever trying something like this. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two. In fact, I've already learned a bunch of stuff. I learned how to start a hard conversation and how to direct the conversation. That's huge for me because if something makes me uncomfortable (and it's not required for work or something) then I avoid it at all costs. Hard talks are one of those things because I don't want people to know the deep innards of me. That is all mine. It's even hard to go to G-d with that stuff, but He taught me how to do that.

I don't really know what G-d wanted for me with this. I don't know if He was giving me a go-ahead or if He wanted me to be strong and resist. It seems like I can't hear Him lately. I think that's because I'm listening to music constantly and unintentionally ignoring Him. Why is it so hard to focus on listening and talking to Him? I know that He is still there with me regardless of what happens, unless I remove myself from His presence and instruction, however, I also know that I haven't been working so hard to stay close with Him. This lukewarm thing is really not good because I don't know His voice anymore. I haven't heard it in months. What if me dating this boy was actually a really bad idea and I screwed up a ton of stuff? I know G-d can fix it if need be, but I don't want to go through unnecessary heart-ache and pain because that's just silly. I also know that I'm freaking out and that's making me over-think everything right now.

I prayed for faith building and to be able to hear Him last week in church. That is like praying for patience... Asking for those things is sketchy because G-d gives you a billion ways to develop that particular trait instead of just giving you the trait. Needless to say, my week has been rough and I don't know if this whole boyfriend thing is part of that or not. Scary!!!

I'm headed to church. Goodnight y'all and Shabbat Shalom!

Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you that I'm going out to lunch with him and his mom tomorrow. I'm super nervous. I've met her before and we get along just fine but I'm really awkward and weird.

I have a Valentine

For my whole life, my family has been my Valentine. That was, until about 3 years ago when we stopped celebrating the day. So today was literally just another day for me. Never did I expect to have a Valentine.

Well, I'm sure you can guess that I did in fact get something today. Last night my best friend texted me asking if I would go with him to pick up some concert tickets. No big deal, it's normal for us to haul each other around town doing errands and such. So, I went along with it. I had a tiny idea that he may try to do something, but we didn't even talk about it being Valentine's Day, we just hung out.

We went and got tickets then drove to the other side of town to get my anxiety candies (literally candies, not pills). Then, we decided to continue the adventure and visit Bass Pro. The day was pretty normal, just the pair of us hangin' out, teasing each other, and just chillin'.

When he parked to drop me off, he had me open the glove box. I thought it was odd but I did it, not thinking anything else. Inside was a little stuffed bear. He then presented me with a single red rose and told me I was his "everything". He knows I'm not dating yet, but that was the sweetest thing I've ever gotten.

So that was my day... How was yours? I was expecting a much more cynical post today so feel free to share angry, sad, cynical, happy, anything.

Found a New Blog

So, I think y'all should check this blog out. Yes, it is mostly on dating, but has a lot of great advice and makes some interesting points. So far I like this post the best and definitely recommend reading it. This is about the difference between "Girls" and "Women". Now, there is also one on the differences between "Boys" and "Men" so check that one out too.

Let me know what you think!

I'll hopefully be back on in the near future to talk about the funeral I went to tonight but for now I must go finish my epidemiology paper on C. diff. Yum.

Serious Struggles = Breakdown on Phone with Mother

Guys I was having a rough 24 hours yesterday. Actually, it all happened in about 18 hours, but whatever.

About a week and a half ago (on a Friday) I get a call to say that I don't have to work Sunday. They call me back the following Friday to say, "Hey, you have to come in now." Nobody asked if I had plans or studying or anything else going on since they gave me the day off. So, naturally, I steamed about it for a few days and went in anyway. Work was fine but I was the only float for all 4 courts so I was bounced around pretty heavily all night. Then, I got to go home. By the time I walked into my apartment door it was 10 p.m. and I had loads of homework to do.

Now, let me remind you that the facility recently changed their key policy from allowing every employee to have their own set of keys, to now requiring you to check keys out because they took them away from us. Why? A power trip by a whole set of new managers. As part of this policy, if you forget to check your keys back in and put them in the box, you have to drive all the way back to work to return to them before you get written up.

Guess what I found in my pocket as I was taking off my shoes at home? You guessed it you smart person! I found my keys. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I think I probably would have punch a hole in the wall because I was livid. Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. I was mad at myself for being so stupid for not returning my keys and I was even angrier at the facility and manager who thought this stupid policy would be a good idea.

So, a 30 minuted drive there and back later, I had cooled off slightly. G-d, in His infinite love and kindness, allowed me to hit all green lights even when other cars were waiting at intersections and nobody was traveling the way I was. He allowed me to be irrationally angry at a situation that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things and even helped me to cool down. He also kept me from the millions of cops that I saw because I was speeding a bit due to the rage boiling over inside of me. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by how G-d's worked in my life than I was that night.

After about 3 hours of homework, I woke up asleep at my computer. 5 hours later, I'm being woken up by about 12 alarms distributed throughout my room to ensure that I do, in fact, wake up and don't sleep through them. Went to class, no big deal.

Then, at my IT job, everything that could go wrong did. I rode on the elevator to the wrong floor while trying to take a computer to a teacher. That computer didn't work so I called my partner but accidentally ended up calling my boss. I ran upstairs, grabbed another one, took the stupid elevator again and went to the wrong floor, AGAIN! At some point I had to reimage a computer. Each time, it takes 30 minutes, and I had to do it twice because I thought I did it wrong. After talking to my partner, he confirmed it. (It turns out that computer was just broken too, so that made me feel a little bit better, but it was a whole day after that incident.)

So, after all of that nonesense, I went home and called my mom instead of going to the gym. We talked about my dating policies because I have recently been reconsidering my kissing thing but I don't know if that's just because I'm listening to country music or if it's because G-d is testing me or maybe He didn't even encourage me to make that policy. I don't know. So, we talked about her experiences and I asked questions I never thought I would ask ever, let alone to my mom... At some point I broke down and she encouraged me to have a boyfriend "just because they're fun and it would help you to understand more social cues." Seriously, that's what she said. We all know I'm not developed past a 5th grade social status, but I don't know that jumping into a random relationship would help that any.

The reason that came up though, is because I had breakfast with my best friend. This best friend is the same one that asked me out last year. I hadn't seen him in several months and when I did it was weird because he and my other friend were unpleased with each other so then I felt like I was running interference. But my crush that had been so difficult to get over suddenly hit me like a train at dinner. It was so weird. Plus, the waitress thought we were dating so she only gave us one ticket and he paid for me and that was really weird for me. So I brought all that to my mom and that made me start crying because I don't know what's happening. When I don't know what's happening in my own head/heart, I freak out and seriously question all of my life decisions.

Lately, G-d keeps showing me blog posts and random articles through Facebook, or some really unexpected places, about dating through a G-dly person's perspective. One such article can be found here. I strongly suggest that you read it because I thought I was some independent, strong-willed girl that didn't listen to Hollywood's fairy tales and the silliness that Disney movies try to feed us about "love". Turns out that I'm influenced heavily and it is not allowing me to hear G-d's voice about what He wants for me as a person that can potentially date. For now, I'm throwing out all of my past rules and I'm starting from scratch with what I pray is G-d's voice, ONLY. I guess we'll see where that leads because I'm totally in the dark. Also, it's making me freak out a bit more, but it's not as unsettling because I know G-d is in control and I'm not holding on for dear life. It's a faith exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I went to the gym a lot last week and got down to 5 pound lost total so far. This week, however, is not fairing so well with the exercising establishment because I'm plumb exhausted and a bit lazy this week. Hopefully I will find some motivation to go to the gym again. I'm getting better at distance running for longer times and also faster running. It makes me feel to much better to go do something that makes me sweat and gets my anxiousness out in a more productive way that causing me heart palpitations and mild panic attacks.

I think that's all I have for now. I should probably go study...

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d totally understands me even in my irrational anger. He is changing me for the better and stretching me in ways I didn't think were possible. I've lost 5 pounds and feel a bit better about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to run a whole mile in under 8 minute.

First Clinical Lab - With Pictures!

Sorry, not real pictures from clinicals because that would likely be illegal...



Guys I got so caught up in my life troubles to tell you about the first day of clinicals lab!!! It was even better than I thought despite having 158374953945749 layers of clothes to put on at 6 in the morning.

Yes, my "whites" (our scrubs uniform for clinicals) consists of compression tight, compression socks to the knees, Dansko shoes (my mom spoils me and I love them!), tan undies, white see-through pants (reason for the other layers beneath),  tan bra, white/tan undershirt, white see-through scrub top, and, finally, a navy blue sweater. Goodness! Did you catch all that? I can hardly move, much less breath in this disastrous outfit, but it's required so I can roll with it 1-2 days a week. For future reference, remember that I am highly clumsy and typically wear mostly black with dark blue jeans for a reason. I grew up with a dad constantly working on cars and I have become accustomed to getting my hands dirty. Car grease is my favorite thing to have on my hands, no joke. So, wearing ALL white freaks me out to no end. Anyway, let's get on with this story!


So lab started at 0730 sharp. We went into the Simulation lab to meet our clinical instructor who I'm super excited to have teaching us. He informed us that our first ever clinical semester will be spent on the renal floor. Doesn't seem like a big deal right? That's what I thought. After further explaining our unfortunate placement, I learned that in the short time my instructor was at the hospital orienting on the floor he had several codes and I guess the patients and nurses don't take too kindly to nursing students... or anyone for that matter. Super. I don't know what G-d is going to teach me, but I have a feeling it will be profound because I internalize people yelling at me and insulting me to the point of severe, severe depression or even near suicide. I'm not exaggerating, it's happened before (getting that bad, not suicide). I know that this is something that I really need to not do and I plan on visiting the counseling center on campus regularly because this is going to be a rough few months.

Then, we had the pleasure of trying out a simulation. There were two of us students in the room with the talking, barfing, crazy manikin so it wasn't so bad, but I was completely unprepared. We had to pretend to call the doctor and had to put out a million fires with the super demanding manikin and it was just insane! What am I getting myself into? I thought I could do this but I'm starting to have doubts...

After that awful experience, we had wound lab. So much fun! We learned how to make a sterile field (which is simpler and harder than I expected, all at the same time). Then we drained a few wound drainage systems and practiced a sterile dressing change with pudding as purulent drainage. Yum. They have now successfully ruined at least two flavors of pudding for the majority of the class because of these labs. It's just the fun of nursing school.

Well, that's all that happened. Now you might have some kind of idea of what to expect! Let me know if any of y'all have questions because I would be delighted to answer any/all questions that I possibly can.

Boys are silly.

You absolutely need to read this post. Guys are just too funny!

(Kinda Still New) ER Nurse Insanity: The Traveling Years: Conversations in triage

Boxers, a Chihuahua, and nearly a Birthday Suit

Oh man, I'm having such a weird week. First, I was working at my IT job earlier this week and saw this little critter run across my peripheral vision field. It turns out that someone brought their Chihuahua to school. I wasn't expecting that and got a little freaked out until I got to pet the little cutie. He was an ALS dog (not entirely certain but I think that means some kind of a service dog?) Then, a mere 5 minutes later, I found a pair of boxers in the hallway. They hadn't been there when I came in and I'm not sure how they got there but I figure somebody was likely having a bad day without them. Today I was at the campus gym, just minding my business, when the kid on the treadmill in front of my de-pantsed himself. I was certain that he had stripped down to his skin. Turns out that he just had really short shorts on. But goodness, I need a warning or something! He actually should do that in the bathroom instead of in public because I nearly freaked out. I don't want to see his Birthday Suit!

These are just a few of the oddball things that have recently occured, if I weren't so exhausted I'd probably remember more to share with you.

Tune in tomorrow to here about my first day of clinical lab! (Not clinicals, but I dressed in my whites and we are starting to learn nurse stuff!!!

Daily Thanksgiving: Although my week has been weird, it's been great. I've been able to laugh a lot off (that hasn't happened in several months) and I think I may be out of my depression valley for awhile. It's nice to come up and get some fresh air.