In life, there are glorious moments when you put your foot right in you mouth and say something ridiculously foolish. I tend to have those moment several times a day...
This morning on my way to breakfast, I went by to pick up my friend because her dorm room is on the way to the cafeteria. We were talking about another friend, because I was asking for advice, and guess who comes around the corner? Yes, it was the friend we were talking about. The friend I was with just so happened to use the other friends name in a question that can be greatly misconstrued for taking place in a very nasty, gossipy conversation. I assure you, it was not, but I do believe she heard the question and her name because the friend we had mentioned was within ear shot and she was not her usual perky self at breakfast. Why am I so terrible at life? I don't want to bring it up with her on the off-chance that she did not hear anything, but I also do not want it to eat at her.
So, here I am not knowing what to do, yet again.
Folks, this is why I don't talk. Even when I don't talk much and I explain problems to a friend, somehow that information gets out to the world, causing me a lot of problems because I opened my mouth in the first place. I should take a vow of silence, move to the forest and not come into contact with anyone ever again, because I just end up making a fool of myself and hurting everyone.
G-d told us that the things we do in secret will be exposed, right? (Obviously that was paraphrased, but please correct be if I'm wrong.)
Monday, May 6, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Heavy Heart
Have there been a lot of deaths recently for you too? For some reason there have been 3 students that have passed away in the past two weeks at college and several residents from work have passed away. I don't understand this. Plus, my great-grandpa died a few weeks ago as well, but I didn't get to go to the funeral because I wasn't really invited. That's a complicated story though.
Let's just delve into the basics. We don't talk to my mom's side of the family because her mom abused her. When my brother and I were born, my mom tried to take us over to see her parents so that we would know them, but my grandma just ended up yelling at my brother and I when we were about 3 and 4 years old. So, long story short, my mom hasn't actively taken us to see them because it's not worth it to get abused by my grandma. I still love her and I still love my grandpa (her husband). Now, it was her father who passed, and I had only met him a handful of times, so while I'm sad that he passed away without me being able to better get to know him, I have peace because he did not treat my mom right or his wife right (when she was alive). I'm sad that I was not able to show him more of the love of Yeshua. One of the last times I saw him was at my cousins graduation party and he came over and sat at the table I was sitting at. Since it was just him and me at the table, he asked if I knew who he was. I said that I didn't because I did not know his name, but I did know that he was my great-grandpa. This upset him pretty bad and he called over my great-aunt and they both gave me a 15-20 minute lecture about how I am supposed to know who my family is and so on. Even though I was hurt because I had gotten yelled at (I was 12 or 13 at the time), I still love(d) him. Funny thing is though, it's not the kid's responsibility to keep in tough with grandparents and great-grandparents when they are still kids. I couldn't drive to go see him and it was not my responsibility to go on a great quest to find out where he lived or to get his phone number in order to contact him first, I was a child. It's a bummer that he didn't reach out to me, because I like getting to know my family because they are kin and I don't have a whole lot of blood relatives that my family talks to because both of my parents were abused as children. Regardless, G-d puts pseudo family into my life, always. I have the largest family now because of all of my "adopted" aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and siblings. I wouldn't trade the relationships I have with them, or the love that we all share because we chose each other, for anything. I know that G-d has allowed me to be blessed with so many amazing, supportive, down-to-earth people who choose to be in my family instead of feeling stuck with me. Also, they don't manipulate, yell, or otherwise harm me, which is still not something I'm used to and my parents don't abuse my brother or I. Still, I have had many, many, many unhealthy, abusive and manipulative friendships that have seriously scarred me. G-d brings me through every time and He is teaching me who to trust, how to trust and how much to trust certain people with. He is teaching me boundaries and forgiveness, but these are brutal lessons to learn.
Daily Thanksgiving: Work went well today, I got to work with one of my favorite CNA's today and work went by really fast. Two more weeks of school and they are going to fly by because I am too busy to even be able to breathe, let alone pee or eat. G-d heals broken hearts and heals scars. His mercies never end and His love is unfailing. I am not alone, even though I often feel alone.
Let's just delve into the basics. We don't talk to my mom's side of the family because her mom abused her. When my brother and I were born, my mom tried to take us over to see her parents so that we would know them, but my grandma just ended up yelling at my brother and I when we were about 3 and 4 years old. So, long story short, my mom hasn't actively taken us to see them because it's not worth it to get abused by my grandma. I still love her and I still love my grandpa (her husband). Now, it was her father who passed, and I had only met him a handful of times, so while I'm sad that he passed away without me being able to better get to know him, I have peace because he did not treat my mom right or his wife right (when she was alive). I'm sad that I was not able to show him more of the love of Yeshua. One of the last times I saw him was at my cousins graduation party and he came over and sat at the table I was sitting at. Since it was just him and me at the table, he asked if I knew who he was. I said that I didn't because I did not know his name, but I did know that he was my great-grandpa. This upset him pretty bad and he called over my great-aunt and they both gave me a 15-20 minute lecture about how I am supposed to know who my family is and so on. Even though I was hurt because I had gotten yelled at (I was 12 or 13 at the time), I still love(d) him. Funny thing is though, it's not the kid's responsibility to keep in tough with grandparents and great-grandparents when they are still kids. I couldn't drive to go see him and it was not my responsibility to go on a great quest to find out where he lived or to get his phone number in order to contact him first, I was a child. It's a bummer that he didn't reach out to me, because I like getting to know my family because they are kin and I don't have a whole lot of blood relatives that my family talks to because both of my parents were abused as children. Regardless, G-d puts pseudo family into my life, always. I have the largest family now because of all of my "adopted" aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and siblings. I wouldn't trade the relationships I have with them, or the love that we all share because we chose each other, for anything. I know that G-d has allowed me to be blessed with so many amazing, supportive, down-to-earth people who choose to be in my family instead of feeling stuck with me. Also, they don't manipulate, yell, or otherwise harm me, which is still not something I'm used to and my parents don't abuse my brother or I. Still, I have had many, many, many unhealthy, abusive and manipulative friendships that have seriously scarred me. G-d brings me through every time and He is teaching me who to trust, how to trust and how much to trust certain people with. He is teaching me boundaries and forgiveness, but these are brutal lessons to learn.
Daily Thanksgiving: Work went well today, I got to work with one of my favorite CNA's today and work went by really fast. Two more weeks of school and they are going to fly by because I am too busy to even be able to breathe, let alone pee or eat. G-d heals broken hearts and heals scars. His mercies never end and His love is unfailing. I am not alone, even though I often feel alone.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Gettin' Nervous
Guys, it's coming down to the wire for so many things. The HESI is in 4 weeks, finals are the week after next, it's time to find an apartment, and I also need to transfer to a hospital so I can work more. So many things to do, it's just a tad bit overwhelming.
Yes, I finally registered for the HESI. I take it in the beginning of June and L-rd willing I pass the test with a high enough score that I can get accepted into nursing school! I forked over the $90 virtually and I'm a little saddened that I had to pay about 1/3 of my paycheck to taking a test. I guess that just means that I really have to study hard and do well so I don't have to take it again.
Currently, I'm at the library working on not procrastinating so much and I'm starting a bunch of my assignment early! So, the procrastinating is only getting cut slightly because I should probably not be writing right now, but I'm a work in progress...
Our apartment hunting went really well today. We found some great places and they are close to school. It scares me a little bit because 1) I'm moving out of my parents house which is so weird and 2) the places that we can afford all smell strange and have some shady characters. Regardless, we found some better places that are still cheap and one doesn't smell terribly funky, so we are making head-way.
Job applications are yet to be sent in. I have heard that I should be able to transfer to a hospital in the same family of owners, so hopefully that is true and I can start working 12 hour shifts instead of 8 hour shifts or a double. I don't think I can handle working a double, I would probably collapse from exhaustion.
Daily Thanksgiving: Apartment hunting was a success, we are closer to the end of our process. G-d kept us safe from the silly drivers found in our little town, because there are some creative driving styles here. I made it to the library instead of taking a nap, which is a success. I also started my 10 page paper a week early, which is a new concept for me, but I hope that when I finish that I feel good. Hopefully that good feeling can translate into the rest of my life and motivate me to not procrastinate and cut down my stress levels. I was feeling pretty sick earlier, but I think G-d is healing me before I actually get super sick! It's a beautiful day out and I may just be able to play football with my friends later. Also, G-d is decreasing my worry and helping me to get my work done before it's all due the same day. I got to have chick-fil-a for lunch which is probably my favorite fast food place ever because they have really nice staff and delicious food.
Yes, I finally registered for the HESI. I take it in the beginning of June and L-rd willing I pass the test with a high enough score that I can get accepted into nursing school! I forked over the $90 virtually and I'm a little saddened that I had to pay about 1/3 of my paycheck to taking a test. I guess that just means that I really have to study hard and do well so I don't have to take it again.
Currently, I'm at the library working on not procrastinating so much and I'm starting a bunch of my assignment early! So, the procrastinating is only getting cut slightly because I should probably not be writing right now, but I'm a work in progress...
Our apartment hunting went really well today. We found some great places and they are close to school. It scares me a little bit because 1) I'm moving out of my parents house which is so weird and 2) the places that we can afford all smell strange and have some shady characters. Regardless, we found some better places that are still cheap and one doesn't smell terribly funky, so we are making head-way.
Job applications are yet to be sent in. I have heard that I should be able to transfer to a hospital in the same family of owners, so hopefully that is true and I can start working 12 hour shifts instead of 8 hour shifts or a double. I don't think I can handle working a double, I would probably collapse from exhaustion.
Daily Thanksgiving: Apartment hunting was a success, we are closer to the end of our process. G-d kept us safe from the silly drivers found in our little town, because there are some creative driving styles here. I made it to the library instead of taking a nap, which is a success. I also started my 10 page paper a week early, which is a new concept for me, but I hope that when I finish that I feel good. Hopefully that good feeling can translate into the rest of my life and motivate me to not procrastinate and cut down my stress levels. I was feeling pretty sick earlier, but I think G-d is healing me before I actually get super sick! It's a beautiful day out and I may just be able to play football with my friends later. Also, G-d is decreasing my worry and helping me to get my work done before it's all due the same day. I got to have chick-fil-a for lunch which is probably my favorite fast food place ever because they have really nice staff and delicious food.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
I'm Just Curious
So, as you probably know from past posts, I am able to see where people are logging in from. Well, I can see their country. And on the right hand side of my blog, there is a little thing that sometimes shows what state or city people are logging in from. However, for a large majority of people logging on and reading, I have no clue where you come from.
You don't have to tell me, but I would really like to know where y'all are from! Just comment below with a state or province or somethings and let's all get to know each other!
Also, I've noticed that people have a lot of questions regarding my faith because it's not necessarily widely known. Do you have any questions or comments?
You don't have to tell me, but I would really like to know where y'all are from! Just comment below with a state or province or somethings and let's all get to know each other!
Also, I've noticed that people have a lot of questions regarding my faith because it's not necessarily widely known. Do you have any questions or comments?
Presentation Done!
I hate talking in front of people. Public speaking is worse for me than taking a pop quiz, I just hate it. Today, I had to give a ten minute presentation on my paper for English. It went alright, not great, but I wasn't super nervous because G-d calmed my nerves a little bit. But, now it is done which means that besides homework, I only have: 3 finals, 2 lab tests, and a 10-12 page paper standing between me and my week-long summer break!
I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.
In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.
Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.
So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.
Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...
Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.
I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.
In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.
Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.
So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.
Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...
Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Tiny Rant
First of all, tomorrow is the only thing standing between me and the last two weeks of my first year of college!!! It's crazy to think that I'm already here because this year went by in a blur of insanity. But, G-d has brought me through to this point and I am very glad for it. Now, I just need Him to get me through finals and, L-rd willing, bring up my grades.
Rant: Also, today was the first day we could register for the HESI which is good and bad. The good news is that I remembered and there are spots open in the location closest to my house. Bad news is that I am broke and the test was supposed to be $65, now it's $90! I know! What on earth is going on here!?! I don't have that kind of money. I don't really have any money right now because I have to pay car insurance, buy my microbio book, groceries, gas, and a bunch of other stuff. So, I can't even register and hold my spot until I get nearly one hundred dollars into my bank account. Hopefully there will still be a spot open for me on a day that will work with my summer work and school schedule. The end.
I found out a couple days ago that I get one week off for summer break. That's it. Thankfully, G-d orchestrated everything so that my brother's graduation from high school is during that week so I can go and see him walk across the stage and get his diploma. But after that it is school and work all summer, just to take a week-long intensive interim course before legit fall courses begin. If I wasn't taking the interim class, I would have another week long break at the end of micro, but I'm trying to be an achiever (because I'm not an over-achiever by anyone's standards).
The snow is still coming down. It's even getting cold enough outside that the snow is starting to stick on the sidewalks, but it's just slush right now because of the water left from when it was warmer today. Slush is so incredibly hazardous for the accident prone people like me, my goodness! I think I just need to be strapped to the floor in a padded room for the rest of my life to prevent anymore accidents, injuries, or problems. It seems like I can just breathe and cause problems.
Psych was also pretty interesting today. We talked about stress and took a couple self-tests/survey things. I learned that I am a 10/17 on the type A scale (I am kinda type A) and I also scored a fifty-something (out of 70) on the procrastination scale... So, these tests just confirmed that I procrastinate, a LOT. But I didn't know I was a type A person! That kinda got me down in the dumps a little, but whatever, I can change. I plan on changing both things actually so that I don't procrastinate as much, to hopefully lead to better grades, and also so that I am not so uptight and type A. Changing these two things should help with stress, and hopefully anxiety and depression as well. The only way I can change though is if G-d changes me. I've tried doing it by myself and I can't do it, I only make the whole situation worse.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d has brought me to the near end of my first year of college! He has also kept me safe from major injury for most of my life, regardless of slush on the sidewalks or my foolish decisions in entertainment. I get paid this Friday, so hopefully I can pay for the HESI. Psych is awesome and I love my teacher in that class. I actually like all of my teachers. G-d has allowed me to get into micro at a different school, without jumping through too many hoops, and now I'm able to take that over the summer!
Rant: Also, today was the first day we could register for the HESI which is good and bad. The good news is that I remembered and there are spots open in the location closest to my house. Bad news is that I am broke and the test was supposed to be $65, now it's $90! I know! What on earth is going on here!?! I don't have that kind of money. I don't really have any money right now because I have to pay car insurance, buy my microbio book, groceries, gas, and a bunch of other stuff. So, I can't even register and hold my spot until I get nearly one hundred dollars into my bank account. Hopefully there will still be a spot open for me on a day that will work with my summer work and school schedule. The end.
I found out a couple days ago that I get one week off for summer break. That's it. Thankfully, G-d orchestrated everything so that my brother's graduation from high school is during that week so I can go and see him walk across the stage and get his diploma. But after that it is school and work all summer, just to take a week-long intensive interim course before legit fall courses begin. If I wasn't taking the interim class, I would have another week long break at the end of micro, but I'm trying to be an achiever (because I'm not an over-achiever by anyone's standards).
The snow is still coming down. It's even getting cold enough outside that the snow is starting to stick on the sidewalks, but it's just slush right now because of the water left from when it was warmer today. Slush is so incredibly hazardous for the accident prone people like me, my goodness! I think I just need to be strapped to the floor in a padded room for the rest of my life to prevent anymore accidents, injuries, or problems. It seems like I can just breathe and cause problems.
Psych was also pretty interesting today. We talked about stress and took a couple self-tests/survey things. I learned that I am a 10/17 on the type A scale (I am kinda type A) and I also scored a fifty-something (out of 70) on the procrastination scale... So, these tests just confirmed that I procrastinate, a LOT. But I didn't know I was a type A person! That kinda got me down in the dumps a little, but whatever, I can change. I plan on changing both things actually so that I don't procrastinate as much, to hopefully lead to better grades, and also so that I am not so uptight and type A. Changing these two things should help with stress, and hopefully anxiety and depression as well. The only way I can change though is if G-d changes me. I've tried doing it by myself and I can't do it, I only make the whole situation worse.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d has brought me to the near end of my first year of college! He has also kept me safe from major injury for most of my life, regardless of slush on the sidewalks or my foolish decisions in entertainment. I get paid this Friday, so hopefully I can pay for the HESI. Psych is awesome and I love my teacher in that class. I actually like all of my teachers. G-d has allowed me to get into micro at a different school, without jumping through too many hoops, and now I'm able to take that over the summer!
Dear Weather...
Dear weather,
I know you don't control yourself, G-d controls you, but let's just have a tiny little chat. I love snow, don't get me wrong, but it's May... So if we could just go back the the gorgeous weather we had a few days ago, that'd be great! I'm thinkin' some sun, maybe 70-75 degrees (Fahrenheit), and no wind but just the slightest breeze so it doesn't get too hot. Also, if it seems like some kind of precipitation has to happen, let's go for a 4 p.m. rainstorm that lasts a maximum of twenty minutes, then clears up to the sunny, warm summer nights I love so much.
You're a doll!
Sincerely,
BedpanAlley
I know you don't control yourself, G-d controls you, but let's just have a tiny little chat. I love snow, don't get me wrong, but it's May... So if we could just go back the the gorgeous weather we had a few days ago, that'd be great! I'm thinkin' some sun, maybe 70-75 degrees (Fahrenheit), and no wind but just the slightest breeze so it doesn't get too hot. Also, if it seems like some kind of precipitation has to happen, let's go for a 4 p.m. rainstorm that lasts a maximum of twenty minutes, then clears up to the sunny, warm summer nights I love so much.
You're a doll!
Sincerely,
BedpanAlley
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