Down in a Valley

Mere hours ago I was encouraged and happy. Right now, I have been slammed down to the bottom of a valley. It was quick and gave me major whiplash but it's nothing I can't recover from.

Here's the problem: Life was fine and dandy and then work called. You know that heart sinking feeling when you see them on the caller i.d.? It's brutal. The thought flashed through my mind, don't answer it. In hindsight, it was probably the L-rd trying to keep me from trouble. Well, not real trouble, just the great regret that comes from signing on for shifts at my current CNA job.

Needless to say, I answered the phone anyhow. My manager asked if I wanted to work tomorrow (Friday) but I told her I had class. Then she asked if I could work Saturday. That's a big fat NO. She remembered right away and took it back but not before asking me to work next Friday. Man alive! This lady does not quit. I'm thinkin' someone quit recently or got fired because there are a whole lot of shifts open that were not there a few days ago.

Would you know that my nursing class decided to plan a party for the same night? I learned about it just after I accepted that stinkin' shift. They are fixin' to go to a nice dinner and then go ice skating. I've wanted to go ice skating for years!

So, instead of having fun with my class to celebrate passing our first semester of nursing school, I will be covering someone else's shift at a job that makes my stomach hurt and gives me a headache just thinking about it. My body is filled with dread. I think I may be developing ulcers.

Question is: Should I go ahead and call back saying that I already had plans that I did not realize when she called me the first time? Truly, I did have plans, they just changed from Thursday night to Friday night unexpectedly. However, do I really want to go out spendin' a bunch of my money, spending time with people that I only barely like? It'll be better than working until 11 p.m. with resident's who are sun-downing and a partner who will bestow a great deal of stress upon me for either not hardly working or for working too fast and not giving me a chance to put my residents to bed.

What do I do?

Friday Night Adventure

I'm the kind of girl who does hardly anything besides work and school. Part of this is due to the fact that I procrastinate throughout the week so I must get caught up on Friday and Sunday, leaving Saturday for Sabbath rest, of course.

Anyway, today (well, yesterday by now) I had quite the adventure.

1) My washing machine broke a few days ago so I put in a work order a while ago. After about a week of having my washing machine out of commission, we were brought a brand new one today from the apartment complex. The maintenance guys brought it up a whole flight of narrow stairs and hooked it right up. Beautiful!

2) About an hour after the maintenance guys left, I called them because my pipes froze. Folks, it's so cold here right now and we are getting so much snow that class was cancelled for me today and some kids have gotten at least 2 snow days this week! Anyway, the poor guys came back to my apartment and cut holes in the drywall that cover the pipes so they could get heat to the pipes. They finally thawed and that little fact made me so happy. No burst pipes and now my water is running properly again!

3) Went out to dinner and we talked for 4 hours. That's a long time for us, but it was therapeutic. We were able to talk about things that w experienced together last year but never really discussed and I think we made some headway in our current problems. During the dinner I missed two calls, one from my mom and another from my brother. My mom simply called to talk to me about my Facebook post about #1 and 2. Why? I don't know but I love that she's concerned about us. My brother called and texted me to say that he could not start his car so he got a ride home.

4) Went home to take an online quiz. Studied for about 3 hours and got a 76.67%. Surprisingly, I was pleased with this because it is passing. Then, off to get my brother's car working.

5) Folks, it was so cold that night (in the double digit negatives), I had to use the ice scraper on the INSIDE of my car! NOT COOL!!! Anyway, I drove my brother to the university campus where his car was parked and we fiddled with it for about 20 minutes before he decided we needed jumper cables. Neither of us had them so we drove to the closest gas station which was about 15 minutes away. They didn't sell any so the attendant let us borrow his! How generous, he lent his jumper cables to a teen boy about a half hour past midnight. Then we drove back to campus, messed with it again for about 45 minutes with no success and decided to try a different tactic. One last trip to the gas station to return the cables and we drove back again to campus.

Conversation on the way back to campus:

Him: So, you have a choice as to how we do this thing. I can make the tow strap short or long. It's up to you.

Me: What does it matter?

Him: If it's short, then I won't hit you so hard when you brake and my brakes don't work. If it's longer, then there is less of a chance that I will hit you because I will have more time to brake but when I do hit you, it'll be significantly harder...

Me:... DON'T YOU BREAK MY CAR!

Him: Don't worry, that's why you have a spare tire on the back of your car.

6) Tow strap in place, flashers on, and my brother steering his car and me driving mine, we head back to our apartment. The beauty of speaker phone on our cell phones amazes me. With several inches of snow on all the roads, snow still falling, my brother's car's power steering not working and minimal breaks (plus no working e-brake) we made our way home. The drive began at 1:10 a.m. and we went a whopping 5 miles an hour nearly all the way home because we took the back-roads. On the final leg of the journey, however, we were cruising at 15 mph on the main road! Home at 1:45 or so, we pushed his car into a parking spot and headed upstairs.

Off to bed. This post has not done my day justice but I'm exhausted and it's nearly 4 a.m. Praise the L-rd, He kept us safe on our towing adventure!

Beautiful Shabbat

Y'all, I actually rested today! I read Torah portion in bed, then stayed in bed all day long. That's over exaggerated, I left bed to use the bathroom and to get food or water, but besides that I stayed in bed. I got to nap and watch some movies and shows and it was just beautiful to be able to not worry about anything.

I also got my grade back from my last anatomy lab test... drumroll... G-d gave me a 94%!!! If only I would have studied harder for my other lab tests, then I wouldn't be looking at getting a B in anatomy, but I was foolish. Anyway, praise the L-rd for giving me my first A on an anatomy lab test this semester. That good grade gave me motivation to get started studying for chem (after sunset of course) which is why I am up at 11:30 writing this post instead of sleeping like I ought to do.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful for Shabbat, this beautiful day of rest G-d has given us because He knows life gets busy and He wants us to make time for Him and time for rest. I am still not keeping Shabbat like I should, but I will get there. I got to take a nap! Yesterday I also packed a lot of my room and now it's really empty, but it felt good to get something productive done without having to continue studying. G-d gave me an excellent grade on my last anatomy lab test and I was totally expecting a low B or C!

Apartment Hunting

This is a difficult job because it is so time consuming. While it is exciting, it is also a tedious and exhausting process, but hopefully we will find a great apartment and get to move in this summer! It's kind of frustrating though because really nice places pop up in my search and I can't wait until I can afford a nicer place, but that will not be for a very, very long time. Probably like 8 years... Thank you loans and student debt!

I am so excited though. I will get to have a shotgun of my very own in my room and I will be a big girl living without parental ties. Right now I have everything that I can't use at school at home with my parents, but after this summer, that will no longer be the case. Too bad I can't just live with them because I would have good food and no rent or bills to pay, but that just won't work right now. Maybe I can live with them while I am completing my Midwife courses!

Anyway, Shabbat Shalom! I hope y'all have a good day of rest and I hope you actually get to rest and thank G-d for this beautiful day.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's Shabbat! I get to rest and relax and do a whole lot of nothing after my very busy, stressful week.

Checkin' In

Wow, it has been awhile since my last post! Spring break is going really well. I have not done much but watch movies and Netflix, but I'm kinda diggin' that. Yesterday was Passover so the night before that my family and I had a sedar. Passover is a really powerful time because it causes you to re-examine your life and your actions. Also, I broke Shabbat yesterday :( Passover and the last day (at least those two days) are supposed to be Sabbath's to the L-rd, but I broke it and I hate that I broke it. All I did was go to Ikea with my friends because we had been planning it for awhile and I did not even realize we had planned to go on Pesach (Hebrew word for Passover).

Today I get to go see my kids! Now, they aren't my real kids. I'm only 18 - almost 19, but that's beside the point - and there are 4 of them. I'm pretty sure it is impossible for me to have had 4 kids... Just sayin'. Anyway, they are kids that I used to babysit and I love them so much. I just love kids. Any child that has ever come through my nursery or that I have babysit pretty much turns into my kid because they make my heart happy, even when throwing tantrums and being ornery. I really miss church nursery because that was my niche when I didn't have friends to turn to. It was my sense of accomplishment because I was/am very good at dealing with the youngins, primarily newborn to 3 years old. Adults used to ask for my advice when they were volunteering in the nursery at our last church because it was brand new and I had been with the kids from the very beginning. I was almost put as a teacher but I was only 16 and needed to be at least 18, so they had me train the teachers and aides instead. Man, too bad that couldn't be my job! Just working in a nursery...

Daily Thanksgiving: I get to see my kids!!! Also, I got to hang out with my friends yesterday and I am so very thankful that Pesach was over break and I did not have to go to classes or work.

The Return of Cynicism

Y'all, I don't know if it is a mineral imbalance, or a hormonal imbalance, or just general mental problems but my cynicism is returning with a vengeance! For a few months I have been more hopeful than normal, I have tolerated romantic movies and country music fairly well, but not any longer. Maybe it is because I quit watching and listening to all of those things cold-turkey, or maybe my depression is returning. So many things could be causing this, but it is quite unfortunate and quite annoying that I cannot control my own thinking.

For those of you that do not know what cynicism (because I did not know until a few weeks ago, even though several people have told me I am cynical), here is the definition according to www.thefreedictionary.com: " An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others."

What caused me to be this way in the first place? I am not sure. Maybe it was all of the people whom I trusted as friends that turned out to not be my friend. It could be from me learning that I cannot trust people for anything, no matter the circumstance. Perhaps I am just paranoid, though it seems there should be a cause... I am just not sure. So, in the meantime, I am working on it. Does anyone else struggle with general distrust of EVERYONE? Do you have any tips for me?

Moving on: I went to an RA meeting/group observance thing today. It was kind of strange because they split us up into big groups of 16 or so, then observe us as we work together in a group to accomplish tasks. This requires a significant amount of ability to be heard and to speak up. Haha, I do not necessarily have these qualities. I do have good ideas, I am just not so good at knowing when others will stop talking so I can share them because I was taught to not talk over people because it is rude. L-rd willing, my proper manners will not get in the way of an RA job. But, again, that depends on whether G-d wants me to be an RA or not.

Daily Thanksgiving: The RA meeting thing ended 3 hours early, just like I had prayed for it to end! It's crazy the ways G-d answers prayers! Absolutely amazing. I got to spend time with my friends just being able to do nothing but talk and watch silly YouTube videos. I love Shabbat. Than reminds me... Shabbat Shalom!

Lazy Day

Shabbat Shalom! Well, it's the end of Shabbat, but doesn't hurt to say it.

Today was beautiful. It feels like spring even though we just had a blizzard a few days ago and they are calling for another one tonight. It doesn't look like it will snow, and I sure hope it doesn't because I have work at 6:30 tomorrow morning. Even with the beautiful weather, I stayed in my dorm room and relaxed all day. Read the Torah, Haftarah and Brit Haddasha portions this morning, then relaxed. I cannot imagine life without Sabbath anymore. It is truly a day when I am able to renew my strength for the coming week. For those of you who do not have a true day of rest, seriously consider taking it up. It was commanded as a day to restore and rejuvenate us, why not obey G-d and benefit from the blessing of Shabbat?

Update on my friend: He may be upset with me now, or I may be over-thinking everything. Nothing happened, we were just texting and I sent something that was improperly worded, but when I apologized, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about... I don't know what's going on. But it has made me think and rethink my plans for marriage and dating. These plans are super conservative and old-fashioned. I want my future boyfriend to ask my dad before he takes me on a date or even asks me out. He also must be friend first. I want to wait to have our first kiss at our wedding. I do not want to ever date anyone that is not serious about G-d. My future boyfriend/husband truly has to be in love with G-d before he can even think about me. I want him to go to G-d for everything, and be more in love with Ad-nai than he is with me. I do not want to start dating until junior year at the earliest and I don't plan to get married until I am graduated from college. These conditions/desires are just the tip of the iceberg. they may seem unrealistic and absurd, but these are things I believe have been pressed upon my heard by Ha-Shem (look up the meaning of this name for G-d, it's really cool!). These are ways to insure the purity and safety of my heart. They are also to ensure that the man I end up dating and possibly marrying, is the one that G-d has chosen for me.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's short and sweet today... I am thankful for Shabbat and G-d's protection over every part of me, especially my heart.

Two Tests, One Week

Shabbat Shalom! I know it is the end of Shabbat (Sabbath), but I have not gotten to say that to anyone this Shabbat and that is one of my favorite things to do. I seriously look forward to that all week, that's how exciting my life is. Any-who...

In college, it just so happens that every class has a test has to be taken within the same week as every other test, that's just how it works. So I had two tests this week, both for A&P with only 2-4 hours to study for each one. This is because I got notification of my room change Monday and you only get 48 hours to move everything. G-d kept me from failing them completely though. I got a B on the lecture exam and a C on the lab practical, which really bums me out. Next week, I get to take 2 more tests! (That was sarcasm, it doesn't translate through writing very well.) At least they are for classes I understand, psych and chem. Well, I think I understand them, until I get my test and grades back.

In brighter news, I went to a Rotic party. Ya, sounds weird right? It was so fun! They named it Rotic because it is romantic without the "man". Only girls were invited, many of us single, and all of us got to be goofy and girly together. We decorated cupcakes and watched a movie. So, even though I despise Valentine's Day (it would take too long to explain here), I had a blast at this VD themed party with amazing girls. We even passed out Valentine's like we were back in grade school!

Daily Thanksgiving: Today I am thankful for Shabbat. I love that I relax, don't work, don't study, don't buy stuff. I just sleep and take it easy. This is such an amazing change from the craziness of the entire week that I don't know how I ever lived without observing it. I am also thankful for the amazing friends G-d has put into my life. Finally I am meeting people that share many of my same quirks. I have never met so may genuinely kind people before. This is so refreshing after the problems with my roommates and other girls in the past. These girls get me! They crochet, knit, watch the same redneck t.v. shows I do, they were raised in the same way I was and they have lived lives so much like mine it's kinda scary. I am also very thankful for you. Yes, you. I do not know who you are, but you have been put on earth for a reason and you have stumbled across this blog for a reason.