Last night I wrote about how exfiance hadn't texted me in a couple days and I was thinking maybe he finally got the message. Well, when I woke up this morning (at 0600 because of puppy jumping on my bed and waking me up after I had gone to bed around 0200) I realized that when I went to dinner with Best Friend a couple nights ago, he blocked exfiance's number in my phone.
He did it because when I talk about exfiance, Best Friend gets angry. He's mad that I'm hurt and he asked if he could have prevented it better by talking to me more in the past few years or doing something else. It was the "what-if" game that I'm so good at playing in my own head, but when other's play it I let them know they are ridiculous and time machines don't exist. His eyes got misty when I would talk about exboyfriend and exfiance or when he thought about what happened.
Anyway, dinner with Best Friend was really good. We ate and then went to get ice cream across the street and visited a candy shop next door to the ice cream. I just don't understand how, after everything, we are still so easy together and talk about everything. He's got a girlfriend and I'm legit happy for him. We still care so much about each other but we don't try to make anything happen because we're fine just being friends. I asked him how his girlfriend was okay with our dinner night because the guys I dated would have been texting me the whole time wondering who I was with, where, when I would be back. They would want me to text me when I left, when I got home, and every 30 seconds to let them know an exact play-by-play of my activities and the actions of those around me. She was completely cool with it.
We even talked about why we split. We both agreed that it was for the better and he didn't try to make me feel bad. We made jokes and discussed the ins and outs of why we weren't right, but he still wishes that he could have saved me back then or that he could fix the current situation. It's a solid friendship and we pick up where we left off even after several years of being apart. He's a huge blessing.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Friday, January 29, 2016
A Little Bit Stronger
This is a song title by Sara Evans about her journey towards getting to the downhill point of a break up. She is finally getting out of bed and getting ready so that she can go get on with her "normal" life. Well, this kind of describes me, but I am getting stronger. Thank you Nurse Dee for pointing it out to me in the comment I got to read today!
So do you guys remember how I had a friend go off on me after class last week in person and over text because I'm a bad friend? Well, she asked me to hang out this weekend. I was giving her short answers because I didn't want to talk, especially not to particular people at that moment. Well, she called me out for being short with her and asked if I was okay and if we were "okay". I think she presently regrets asking that...
I proceeded to ask her if she has gone to Beauty about what I was lectured on because she kept saying she was bothered by Beauty and I. So, why would she not go to Beauty and instead take it out on me? I explained that I understand where she was coming from, but that I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down because I'm going through really personal stuff right now. I told her that I try my best to put aside my own problems to be able to "be there" for friends when they are lonely, hurt, happy, or whatever else may come up, but that I need to focus on me right now. Work is also something that I had to plan in the equation and so even though she makes plans, that doesn't mean I can always shift everything around in order to hang out with people. My side was not heard or solicited and I felt completely attacked when I hadn't been deserving of that because I work really hard to be a good friend but I was getting picked on for missing one or two events she planned.
I got 5 novel length texts in response explaining to me why I was the target of this explosion. There was a "sorry, but..." which means that the apology is not legitimately an apology. She is saying sorry because she thinks that's what I want to hear, but she isn't really sorry for what she did. She's sorry that I called her out on being so rude to someone who is not really surviving right now. She's sorry I'm upset and don't want to hang out with her for awhile or maybe ever. She's sorry that she is stressed now because I'm not going to continue to back down to her the way I have for her and many of my other friends in the past. I'm over it.
I told her I forgive her, but that I need some time because I'm really hurt. I don't say "it's okay" when others apologize because what she did wasn't okay. However, I feel like telling her that I "forgive her but that I'm still hurt and need time for me" shows her that I'm not holding a grudge, what she did wasn't okay, and I now need to heal from the damage she caused.
I explained that Beauty invited me to the mall because she knew I was having a hard day and probably needed to vent and process things out loud with someone while also having a distraction available if need be. I told her I didn't want to talk about my troubles (because she is usually one to try to dig for the scoop) and that she also knows more than most people in my life (by accident... but she doesn't know it was an accident).
She concluded by telling me she doesn't believe I actually forgave her.
Well, okay. I really did forgive her. That's why I'm happier and lighter right now. I'm not stressing because this shit is on her now. I spoke my peace. I let her know she hurt me and that what she did was absolutely not okay, especially to someone in my current shoes, even though she only knows about exboyfriend and has no idea what exfiance did to me. She does know, however, fiance and I broke up. Even if a friend was going through just a simple break up, you give them SPACE!!!
C'MON PEOPLE! This is a common sense thing. Why do people think that common courtesy goes out the window when it comes to ME going through things?
Is it because I don't act all down and depressed when I'm with friends? Am I not being dramatic enough? Do they expect me to talk about everything and tell the whole world the deeply painful and incredibly intimate details of my completely broken life? What the fuck do these people want from me?
I deal with things privately and put on a face, as best I can, when I go out in public. That was how I was raised and it suits me well because I don't like people in my business. My friends may see that I'm slightly less enthusiastic and more reserved, but they don't understand me at all. They don't know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and that my focus and counseling homework right now is just to drink water and make sure I eat every day. In fact, they don't know I'm in counseling. Not knowing the details of my life is not their fault, I choose to keep these things to myself. It makes life easier for me, believe it or not.
Regardless, you just don't treat people the way I have been treated, despite whether they are going through anything difficult in life or not. Really, that is the basis of my frustration. Even though this friend doesn't know my full story, she does know that exboyfriend messed me up really bad and she knows he raped me. So, yelling at me for hours and hours is inexcusable. Plus, she told me she went off on me even though she's frustrated with Beauty. Again, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! Take up your frustrations with her or figure out some other way to deal with your own shit. You don't dump it on your friend who is moments from death at every turn she takes in life.
Yes, I forgave her, but I don't have to keep her close just because I forgave her. Forgiveness sets me free (the person who was hurt) way more than it sets the offender (the friend) free.
I forgave exboyfriend. That doesn't mean you will ever see me hang out with him, but I am free from the burden on holding a grudge against him because I am letting that go so that G-d can deal with him however He sees fit. I forgave exfiance. That doesn't mean I am going to get back together with him. I forgave Country Boy. He's dead so that was also mostly for me. I forgave Roommate from last year from her and her family attacking me. I forgave my freshman year dorm roommates. I forgive lots of people. However, you will not see me with many of these people because they are toxic leeches on the tapestry of my life. Recently, my tapestry seems to be imploding and spontaneously combusting, but you still won't see them coming along in my story any longer.
This friend has met the end of her role in my story. I will still be nice to her, but I'm over bending over backwards to make sure she is happy with her social life when my physical body is riding the line between shutting down and creeping along.
Yet, the end of the story of the aforementioned people brings in a new freshness, excitement, joy, and freedom in my life. I feel like my story is beginning a new chapter. Between "telling" this friend off and telling exfiance to back off and leave me alone for the final time (hopefully) today. I'm all about trying to create boundaries. I've also sternly discussed my struggle with my brother and dad not making me priority in any way in their lives while I'm expected to drop everything for them and also listen to their incredibly long lectures about how I suck. All of these people have something in common: they all dump on me for what they get frustrated with in their relationships with other people in their life. They all take it out on me. Guess what! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! That, my friends, is glorious. Explaining this to my friend, Dad, Brother, and exfiance is just the first baby step towards better, stronger, actually existing boundaries in my life.
I started reading Boudaries, by the way.
I'm so excited to tell my Counselor on Tuesday about everything that I've been doing this week! My homework was to drink more water, continue to eat, and take it easy because of my lack of sleep. We discussed how frustrated I got when my friend went off on me. I discussed what I had wanted to say and she asked why I didn't tell her those things. Well, it wasn't even my homework but I told her those things!!! It was completely with the help of my new Roomie. She proofread my texts to make sure I was being as objective as possible and also to make sure I was being clear enough and not beating around the bush. Yay New Roomie!
YAY ME!!!!! I have been eating better, drinking way more water, sleeping slightly better... kinda... sometimes... and I told people when they hurt me (which was a bonus).
So do you guys remember how I had a friend go off on me after class last week in person and over text because I'm a bad friend? Well, she asked me to hang out this weekend. I was giving her short answers because I didn't want to talk, especially not to particular people at that moment. Well, she called me out for being short with her and asked if I was okay and if we were "okay". I think she presently regrets asking that...
I proceeded to ask her if she has gone to Beauty about what I was lectured on because she kept saying she was bothered by Beauty and I. So, why would she not go to Beauty and instead take it out on me? I explained that I understand where she was coming from, but that I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down because I'm going through really personal stuff right now. I told her that I try my best to put aside my own problems to be able to "be there" for friends when they are lonely, hurt, happy, or whatever else may come up, but that I need to focus on me right now. Work is also something that I had to plan in the equation and so even though she makes plans, that doesn't mean I can always shift everything around in order to hang out with people. My side was not heard or solicited and I felt completely attacked when I hadn't been deserving of that because I work really hard to be a good friend but I was getting picked on for missing one or two events she planned.
I got 5 novel length texts in response explaining to me why I was the target of this explosion. There was a "sorry, but..." which means that the apology is not legitimately an apology. She is saying sorry because she thinks that's what I want to hear, but she isn't really sorry for what she did. She's sorry that I called her out on being so rude to someone who is not really surviving right now. She's sorry I'm upset and don't want to hang out with her for awhile or maybe ever. She's sorry that she is stressed now because I'm not going to continue to back down to her the way I have for her and many of my other friends in the past. I'm over it.
I told her I forgive her, but that I need some time because I'm really hurt. I don't say "it's okay" when others apologize because what she did wasn't okay. However, I feel like telling her that I "forgive her but that I'm still hurt and need time for me" shows her that I'm not holding a grudge, what she did wasn't okay, and I now need to heal from the damage she caused.
I explained that Beauty invited me to the mall because she knew I was having a hard day and probably needed to vent and process things out loud with someone while also having a distraction available if need be. I told her I didn't want to talk about my troubles (because she is usually one to try to dig for the scoop) and that she also knows more than most people in my life (by accident... but she doesn't know it was an accident).
She concluded by telling me she doesn't believe I actually forgave her.
Well, okay. I really did forgive her. That's why I'm happier and lighter right now. I'm not stressing because this shit is on her now. I spoke my peace. I let her know she hurt me and that what she did was absolutely not okay, especially to someone in my current shoes, even though she only knows about exboyfriend and has no idea what exfiance did to me. She does know, however, fiance and I broke up. Even if a friend was going through just a simple break up, you give them SPACE!!!
C'MON PEOPLE! This is a common sense thing. Why do people think that common courtesy goes out the window when it comes to ME going through things?
Is it because I don't act all down and depressed when I'm with friends? Am I not being dramatic enough? Do they expect me to talk about everything and tell the whole world the deeply painful and incredibly intimate details of my completely broken life? What the fuck do these people want from me?
I deal with things privately and put on a face, as best I can, when I go out in public. That was how I was raised and it suits me well because I don't like people in my business. My friends may see that I'm slightly less enthusiastic and more reserved, but they don't understand me at all. They don't know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and that my focus and counseling homework right now is just to drink water and make sure I eat every day. In fact, they don't know I'm in counseling. Not knowing the details of my life is not their fault, I choose to keep these things to myself. It makes life easier for me, believe it or not.
Regardless, you just don't treat people the way I have been treated, despite whether they are going through anything difficult in life or not. Really, that is the basis of my frustration. Even though this friend doesn't know my full story, she does know that exboyfriend messed me up really bad and she knows he raped me. So, yelling at me for hours and hours is inexcusable. Plus, she told me she went off on me even though she's frustrated with Beauty. Again, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! Take up your frustrations with her or figure out some other way to deal with your own shit. You don't dump it on your friend who is moments from death at every turn she takes in life.
Yes, I forgave her, but I don't have to keep her close just because I forgave her. Forgiveness sets me free (the person who was hurt) way more than it sets the offender (the friend) free.
I forgave exboyfriend. That doesn't mean you will ever see me hang out with him, but I am free from the burden on holding a grudge against him because I am letting that go so that G-d can deal with him however He sees fit. I forgave exfiance. That doesn't mean I am going to get back together with him. I forgave Country Boy. He's dead so that was also mostly for me. I forgave Roommate from last year from her and her family attacking me. I forgave my freshman year dorm roommates. I forgive lots of people. However, you will not see me with many of these people because they are toxic leeches on the tapestry of my life. Recently, my tapestry seems to be imploding and spontaneously combusting, but you still won't see them coming along in my story any longer.
This friend has met the end of her role in my story. I will still be nice to her, but I'm over bending over backwards to make sure she is happy with her social life when my physical body is riding the line between shutting down and creeping along.
Yet, the end of the story of the aforementioned people brings in a new freshness, excitement, joy, and freedom in my life. I feel like my story is beginning a new chapter. Between "telling" this friend off and telling exfiance to back off and leave me alone for the final time (hopefully) today. I'm all about trying to create boundaries. I've also sternly discussed my struggle with my brother and dad not making me priority in any way in their lives while I'm expected to drop everything for them and also listen to their incredibly long lectures about how I suck. All of these people have something in common: they all dump on me for what they get frustrated with in their relationships with other people in their life. They all take it out on me. Guess what! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! That, my friends, is glorious. Explaining this to my friend, Dad, Brother, and exfiance is just the first baby step towards better, stronger, actually existing boundaries in my life.
I started reading Boudaries, by the way.
I'm so excited to tell my Counselor on Tuesday about everything that I've been doing this week! My homework was to drink more water, continue to eat, and take it easy because of my lack of sleep. We discussed how frustrated I got when my friend went off on me. I discussed what I had wanted to say and she asked why I didn't tell her those things. Well, it wasn't even my homework but I told her those things!!! It was completely with the help of my new Roomie. She proofread my texts to make sure I was being as objective as possible and also to make sure I was being clear enough and not beating around the bush. Yay New Roomie!
YAY ME!!!!! I have been eating better, drinking way more water, sleeping slightly better... kinda... sometimes... and I told people when they hurt me (which was a bonus).
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Selfish by Choice
School started last week but these first two weeks are all sorts of janky. My typical schedule for classes and life will not begin until next Monday but I'm totally okay with that.
I had counseling again yesterday. She told me I'm not strong enough to go over the really hard stuff yet, so we started working on coping strategies... That's solid. I kept losing my mind between last week's session and yesterday but it turns out that the coping techniques I was accidentally using through the week are actually legit coping techniques that are taught in counseling. Walking/sitting outside, warm/cold water, etc. I begin coloring at my next session.
I told my counselor how hard my first OB class was with the birthing videos. I had also nearly started crying during my skills lab for OB because we had to do vaginal exams to check dilation and that is apparently a HUGE trigger for me, along with damn near everything else. With this in mind, I was advised to take a semester off. I told her that is not an option because I want to be done with nursing school and I want to graduate with my friends. Once she realized that I am not going to budge on this, we made a plan for me to start going twice a weeks (in a couple weeks because she is crazy busy with her life too!). Then, we'll spend a lot of time working on coping methods so that I can get through OB and then begin to work on my tough stuff before I graduate and move and she graduates.
I guess we'll see where that gets us.
Exfiance texts me after my sessions asking what we talked about in my session. I normally keep it pretty under wraps when I was with my last counselor and then also with my new one. Yesterday, I was just not having his bullshit at all. He asked what we talked about and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He told me he hates when I keep stuff from him. Well, Fucker, you lost that privalage when you decided to lie to me all the time, disregard my refusal for you to use my body however the hell you felt like using it, and I took it away when I broke up with you. Alright? So no, you do not get to make me feel guilty if you think I might be keeping stuff from you. I am because we are no longer together and you kept everything from me! Don't give me this shit.
So, after not talking with him yesterday, he texted me today to ask if I would "finally tell him why I was mad yesterday." I wasn't mad yesterday, I just didn't want to talk about it with him because it's not of his fucking business. It never should have been because I have trauma that is only my business that he doesn't need to know about. He can support me working through it without forcing me to tell him every damn detail. I told him something along those lines and reminded him of all the lies and information he kept from me and all of the double standards he kept for what I was supposed to do/tell him as opposed to what he did/told me. He didn't like that but I'm learning to stand up for myself. It's starting with him and my family then I will work on my friends. I'm sick of taking shit and I'm so over worrying about everyone else when NOBODY concerns themselves with what I may need/want/etc.
Therefore, I'm working on being intentionally selfish for a season.
I had counseling again yesterday. She told me I'm not strong enough to go over the really hard stuff yet, so we started working on coping strategies... That's solid. I kept losing my mind between last week's session and yesterday but it turns out that the coping techniques I was accidentally using through the week are actually legit coping techniques that are taught in counseling. Walking/sitting outside, warm/cold water, etc. I begin coloring at my next session.
I told my counselor how hard my first OB class was with the birthing videos. I had also nearly started crying during my skills lab for OB because we had to do vaginal exams to check dilation and that is apparently a HUGE trigger for me, along with damn near everything else. With this in mind, I was advised to take a semester off. I told her that is not an option because I want to be done with nursing school and I want to graduate with my friends. Once she realized that I am not going to budge on this, we made a plan for me to start going twice a weeks (in a couple weeks because she is crazy busy with her life too!). Then, we'll spend a lot of time working on coping methods so that I can get through OB and then begin to work on my tough stuff before I graduate and move and she graduates.
I guess we'll see where that gets us.
Exfiance texts me after my sessions asking what we talked about in my session. I normally keep it pretty under wraps when I was with my last counselor and then also with my new one. Yesterday, I was just not having his bullshit at all. He asked what we talked about and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He told me he hates when I keep stuff from him. Well, Fucker, you lost that privalage when you decided to lie to me all the time, disregard my refusal for you to use my body however the hell you felt like using it, and I took it away when I broke up with you. Alright? So no, you do not get to make me feel guilty if you think I might be keeping stuff from you. I am because we are no longer together and you kept everything from me! Don't give me this shit.
So, after not talking with him yesterday, he texted me today to ask if I would "finally tell him why I was mad yesterday." I wasn't mad yesterday, I just didn't want to talk about it with him because it's not of his fucking business. It never should have been because I have trauma that is only my business that he doesn't need to know about. He can support me working through it without forcing me to tell him every damn detail. I told him something along those lines and reminded him of all the lies and information he kept from me and all of the double standards he kept for what I was supposed to do/tell him as opposed to what he did/told me. He didn't like that but I'm learning to stand up for myself. It's starting with him and my family then I will work on my friends. I'm sick of taking shit and I'm so over worrying about everyone else when NOBODY concerns themselves with what I may need/want/etc.
Therefore, I'm working on being intentionally selfish for a season.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Acceptance
Turns out Country Boy was cremated, but then buried. So, when I went right after his death in 2014, I could have visited him. However, they told me he had just gotten cremated and that they were sorry. Whatever, not a huge deal. Exfiance called again because I told him he didn't have a grave. Turns out he does. His ashes were buried near his dad's and the rest of his family that had passed away already.
When I called to see where he was, the lady told me to come into the office when I arrived and she would give me a map. So I went in and got the map. I wondered around in the area he was supposed to be for nearly 20 minutes and couldn't find him. So, I sat at an unmarked plot wondering if he had a headstone because they hadn't gotten one for his dad for about a year after he died because the wife just couldn't handle making it that official. After sitting for another 15 minutes and feeling stupid because my mind was wondering and wondering how they buried couples... I decided I should leave. As I was walking back to my car, I looked down and finally found his headstone.
It wasn't where I was told to go, the map kinda lied. As soon as I saw it my stomach dropped and tears flooded my eyes. I sat at his grave for over an hour thinking about him, his dad, his mom and sister who were now left with no guys from their family. I yelled at him for leaving me and not taking me with him. I told him we could have gone together if he would have taken me for a car ride. I apologized to him for being mean and I apologized because I believe I may have said the last thing that caused him to go over the edge and finally go through with it.
I was supposed to have hung out with him a couple days before he died but I cancelled because my other friends cancelled on me and I was "going out" with Best Friend at the time but didn't want to tell Country Boy. So, when CB asked if I wanted to hang out since I was cancelled on, I said "no thanks". That was it. That was the last time I talked to him and he died a few days later. I know he was struggling with his dad being gone and he seemed to have severe depression. He had moved out of his mom's house because of too many memories of his dad. He moved out to where my uncle and Exboyfriend live (also where exfiance lives, coincidentally enough) with his aunt and uncle because he loved the country. Well, that was it.
I had wanted to text him those few days and I had urges to, but I never did because he usually ignored my texts when I texted first. I don't know if he didn't want to talk to me, he was trying to make it seem like he was busy, or if he really was busy. I spent so many months waiting for him to text me. He would contact me, talk with me for a couple days, then go completely radio silent for several weeks. That was hard for me to live with. I was sick of getting my hopes up and checking my phone every 5 seconds because I was waiting for him to talk to me again. However, I should have texted him those days. I was waiting for his birthday. I found out a week after my 20th birthday and a few days before his that he died. Nobody told me, I just found his obituary online.
I told exfiance (Jacob) that he was not allowed to tell me that being sad that CB died was selfish. I'm allowed to be angry and sad and cry because I am grieving still. It's been almost two years and I still think about him almost every day. I still see him in the faces of a lot of actors and people I run into on a daily basis. I see his truck occasionally and I remember him when I do some of the stuff he used to like to do. Jacob finally told me okay that I'm allowed to cry and I guess he didn't realize I blamed myself (I didn't need his permission but he needs to not tell people how to feel!). I talked with him last night and told him the story at the beginning of this post. I thought I had told him all this but he said he didn't know before that I blamed myself. After that he understood why I'm angry and sad and cry so much. He said I should be understanding about why the kid killed himself, but I told him that I'm going to feel how I feel. I understand he was going through rough stuff and had depression before but it was getting worse now that his dad had died unexpectedly, but I'm sure there was much more going on. I'm not apologizing for that anymore and I'm not pushing it away so that I can be strong for other people. Now it's my time to sort out my head because there is too much all mixed up in there right now.
The hour I spent at CB's grave was good. It was healing. I felt stuff that I haven't felt in a long time and I was able to cry. I don't know why, but I've been needing to very for a long time but the tears won't come. I feel so numb and just there but not present. It's weird to me to want to cry and also weird that I cannot. Yesterday I did. I yelled and apologized and just sat in remembrance. I also said sorry for not coming sooner. Someone left a cigarette on his grave. It was unlit so I know it was on purpose. I know he wouldn't want flowers so a cigarette made a lot of sense. He wasn't even 20 yet. I have a feeling I'll probably go there a lot in the next few months when I need a place to think. I used to drive up into the woods and think of him often, but it somehow feels better to imagine him being there and able to hear me.
I had this thought about a song I haven't heard since I was a child. Since I was so little, I knew it was a sad song but I never understood it. At the grave I just had "Whiskey Lullaby" playing over and over in my head. Why is it helping me feel better? I have no clue. I have played it nearly a hundred times since the visit and it helps me more and more each time.
I don't know why I keep getting songs popping up in my head. I don't know if the L-rd is putting them there or if my brain is making connections or spazzing out or what. But these songs are helping me little by little.
When I called to see where he was, the lady told me to come into the office when I arrived and she would give me a map. So I went in and got the map. I wondered around in the area he was supposed to be for nearly 20 minutes and couldn't find him. So, I sat at an unmarked plot wondering if he had a headstone because they hadn't gotten one for his dad for about a year after he died because the wife just couldn't handle making it that official. After sitting for another 15 minutes and feeling stupid because my mind was wondering and wondering how they buried couples... I decided I should leave. As I was walking back to my car, I looked down and finally found his headstone.
It wasn't where I was told to go, the map kinda lied. As soon as I saw it my stomach dropped and tears flooded my eyes. I sat at his grave for over an hour thinking about him, his dad, his mom and sister who were now left with no guys from their family. I yelled at him for leaving me and not taking me with him. I told him we could have gone together if he would have taken me for a car ride. I apologized to him for being mean and I apologized because I believe I may have said the last thing that caused him to go over the edge and finally go through with it.
I was supposed to have hung out with him a couple days before he died but I cancelled because my other friends cancelled on me and I was "going out" with Best Friend at the time but didn't want to tell Country Boy. So, when CB asked if I wanted to hang out since I was cancelled on, I said "no thanks". That was it. That was the last time I talked to him and he died a few days later. I know he was struggling with his dad being gone and he seemed to have severe depression. He had moved out of his mom's house because of too many memories of his dad. He moved out to where my uncle and Exboyfriend live (also where exfiance lives, coincidentally enough) with his aunt and uncle because he loved the country. Well, that was it.
I had wanted to text him those few days and I had urges to, but I never did because he usually ignored my texts when I texted first. I don't know if he didn't want to talk to me, he was trying to make it seem like he was busy, or if he really was busy. I spent so many months waiting for him to text me. He would contact me, talk with me for a couple days, then go completely radio silent for several weeks. That was hard for me to live with. I was sick of getting my hopes up and checking my phone every 5 seconds because I was waiting for him to talk to me again. However, I should have texted him those days. I was waiting for his birthday. I found out a week after my 20th birthday and a few days before his that he died. Nobody told me, I just found his obituary online.
I told exfiance (Jacob) that he was not allowed to tell me that being sad that CB died was selfish. I'm allowed to be angry and sad and cry because I am grieving still. It's been almost two years and I still think about him almost every day. I still see him in the faces of a lot of actors and people I run into on a daily basis. I see his truck occasionally and I remember him when I do some of the stuff he used to like to do. Jacob finally told me okay that I'm allowed to cry and I guess he didn't realize I blamed myself (I didn't need his permission but he needs to not tell people how to feel!). I talked with him last night and told him the story at the beginning of this post. I thought I had told him all this but he said he didn't know before that I blamed myself. After that he understood why I'm angry and sad and cry so much. He said I should be understanding about why the kid killed himself, but I told him that I'm going to feel how I feel. I understand he was going through rough stuff and had depression before but it was getting worse now that his dad had died unexpectedly, but I'm sure there was much more going on. I'm not apologizing for that anymore and I'm not pushing it away so that I can be strong for other people. Now it's my time to sort out my head because there is too much all mixed up in there right now.
The hour I spent at CB's grave was good. It was healing. I felt stuff that I haven't felt in a long time and I was able to cry. I don't know why, but I've been needing to very for a long time but the tears won't come. I feel so numb and just there but not present. It's weird to me to want to cry and also weird that I cannot. Yesterday I did. I yelled and apologized and just sat in remembrance. I also said sorry for not coming sooner. Someone left a cigarette on his grave. It was unlit so I know it was on purpose. I know he wouldn't want flowers so a cigarette made a lot of sense. He wasn't even 20 yet. I have a feeling I'll probably go there a lot in the next few months when I need a place to think. I used to drive up into the woods and think of him often, but it somehow feels better to imagine him being there and able to hear me.
I had this thought about a song I haven't heard since I was a child. Since I was so little, I knew it was a sad song but I never understood it. At the grave I just had "Whiskey Lullaby" playing over and over in my head. Why is it helping me feel better? I have no clue. I have played it nearly a hundred times since the visit and it helps me more and more each time.
"Whiskey Lullaby"
She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night
[1st Chorus]
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
(Sing lullaby)
The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night
[2nd Chorus]
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night
[1st Chorus]
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
(Sing lullaby)
The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night
[2nd Chorus]
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby
I don't know why I keep getting songs popping up in my head. I don't know if the L-rd is putting them there or if my brain is making connections or spazzing out or what. But these songs are helping me little by little.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Rebound
As you guys know, exfiance and I still talk. Since that's kind of a long name, let's call him Jacob (no, that's not his actual name). Yesterday, he went to counseling because we had a bet, he lost it, and his forfeit was to go to counseling. I believe he needed to go when he was a child but he just never did. He had trauma growing up, similar to what happened to me but also vastly different. Regardless, trauma needs counseling most of the time and he certainly does.
I guess he and his counselor talked about me and why the two of us broke up. Jacob ended up calling me last night and telling me that he believes I was never really "in love" with him because he was just a rebound and distraction from my first rape. It has occurred to me that he may have been a rebound, but I had feelings for him. However, when he continually lied to me, that's when the love dwindled away because I had been loving him for the lies, not for him actually showing me his past scars. I think he may have started as a rebound, but I developed true love for him. Having him tell me he didn't think I ever loved him hurt. It hurt a lot.
While we were going out, there were times that he would compare me to his dead wife. He would say she was pretty, but I think you're prettier. Or he would tell me what she did to calm him down or what she did that he liked. Little things they developed like a counting game with squeezing each other's hands just to let the other one know they were there and thinking about them regardless of whether they were driving, fighting, whatever. At one point, he told me he loved me probably more than his wife. I didn't think much of it and I highly doubted it, but it stuck in my mind. Last night, he told me he didn't love me nearly as much as he had loved his wife. He covered it up by saying they grew up together, knew each other for way longer, and went through much more together than he and I had. Okay, this makes sense, I guess but it hurt to hear it. I mean, who says that? I would suspect he would love her more, but you don't say that to someone! Especially someone who is barely surviving and doesn't feel loved by anyone right now, especially friends or guys.
We keep talking and venting about our counseling sessions. I don't know why, but we do. In fact, we're having deeper conversations than we did when we were dating. It's really frustrating, actually. Anywho, he asked how I have been doing. I told him the following story:
Yesterday, I started my OB class and I have been excited about this class since I started college! I absolutely love watching births and seeing pregnant women and babies and everything that has to do with moms and babies. We started watching a birth in class (a video) and my eyes started tearing up. These weren't happy tears at a baby being born, these were tears of pain because the woman had her feet in stirrups and it reminded me of my SANE exam.
The next birth video was in a birthing center and my eyes teared up again and they almost spilled over. The video ended and I watched the wall for most of it because I was on the verge of sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I was hyperventilating, my heart was pounding, I was sad that I don't believe I will ever have babies, and I'm disappointed I was having so many troubles in a class that I have so been looking forward to forever! I want to be a midwife for goodness sake!!!
Whew, so that video ended and I kinda kept my composure. Lecture continued and we watched a third video towards the end. This was a water birth at home. About a minute into the video, my eye were filled with tears, I was having all the symptoms that I had in the second video and the tears started spilling. I jumped from my seat (which was in the back right next to the door, thank the L-rd) and I nearly ran to the bathroom. I got in there and there were other people. I washed my hands to make it seem like I was okay, but I absolutely wasn't. Then, all of a sudden, Beauty comes walking out of a stall. I dried my hands, looked up and said "hey! it's you!" The concern on her face was evident, she asked if I was okay. I said I was fine, booked it out of that bathroom and speed walked to the bathroom in the back of the building. Oh my goodness, I lost it! I was in a stall, sitting on the toilet, trying to keep my sobs as silent as possible and cried for about 5 minutes. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking, I was losing my mind and it was terrifying! I waited for the other girls to leave, emmerged from my sanctuary and washed my hands, splashed cold water on my face a few times, and composed myself enough to go back to class. I zoned out for the rest of class just so that my body could sit there to keep my friends from wondering if I was okay.
On the phone with Jacob (exfiance) later that night, I explained all of this to him. He was kinda sweet about it and the most important thing is he listens to my rambling about my lack of coping with life right now. He asked me a few questions and we got to a point where I was explaining that I haven't been sleeping more than a couple hours each night because I can't fall asleep and I keep having flashbacks about him, exboyfriend and Country Boy. We discussed Country Boy's suicide and Jacob told me that I shouldn't be sad about him committing suicide. He said that me being sad and crying about it is selfish. I know it's selfish, but at the same time I need to be able to cope with what happened because it affected me terribly. You don't tell people not to cry or be sad if something happened in their life or they had a friend/family member die! You just don't do that!!! I ended up getting really mad, but Jacob just kept talking and I kept crying.
He ended by reverting to saying that I never loved him. He said he's not mad because he knows I have been in "survival mode" (according to my counselor because of the severe PTSD). He says he's proud of me for getting good grades and continuing with school even though my brain isn't functioning properly and barely surviving right now. He told me he thinks I'm a "badass bitch" because I keep on going even though most people would be staying in bed all the time and they would have given up a long time ago. He's proud of me for not killing myself and for not cutting in a few weeks. He says he's proud of me for getting help and for dealing with all of the troubles in my life without telling people about them.
I think that's one of the hardest things to do. If you have a broken leg or some reason to get surgery, people understand you taking time to recover and build yourself back up. They usually respect your privacy and the fact you need space. They are also more likely to want to help you with food, cleaning, groceries, etc because they know you may need help. The thing with rape is, you can't tell everyone. Well, you could, but it's likely to cause you more problems than it is to help you at all. I have chosen to tell a couple friends for support, but the vast majority of the people in my life (most of my friends, bosses, professors/instructors, patients, extended family, and even my dad) have no idea what's wrong with me. They see that I'm changing, withdrawing, sad, grumpy, and all around not being myself, but they don't know why. So, they tell me to suck it up and then get angry when they are not top priority on my list. But what am I supposed to do? I was burned out with all of the needy people in my life before any of this bad stuff happened. What am I supposed to do now that it is all I can do to wake up in the morning and consider getting out of bed?
We went on to talk about one of Jacob's friends from back in the day passing away this week. He tarted talking about a bunch of other friends that had died through his life, including his "father figure" who he really looked up to. Turns out, the father figure guy had a nephew that had committed suicide about the same time Country Boy did. They both also had the same name. We realized this all for the first time last night. Jacob had helped his father figure get the kid down from his noose once he was found. So Jacob asked for a picture of Country Boy to see if it was the same kid. He was freaking out last night saying it was so creepy and weirding him out that my friend that died might have been the same guy that he helped get down after the other kid's suicide. After I sent him the picture today, he said they weren't the same kid. It's a little bit of a relief.
Jacob also found out that Country Boy ended up being buried. About a month after he had died, I went to the place where his funeral was held (after clinical that day and I was in my whites), but they told me he had been cremated. Well, turns out Jacob called the funeral home and he was told Country Boy had been buried there. Okay, looks like I'm going there to see his grave tomorrow.
Jacob and I closed the conversation with him saying he'd pray that I would be able to sleep at a decent time last night. He called back like 2 minutes later saying: "Hey, I know this is going to sound weird, these aren't my words and I don't know what I'm saying, but do you remember the guy that you told me about? You know, the one that Satan made a bet with G-d that the guy wouldn't stay good, so G-d allowed him to be tested by Satan just to see if he would stay good?"
Me: "Job?"
Him: "Yeah! Well, while I was praying, I got this feeling that you are that guy. You are being tested. Now, this is going to sound really weird and I don't understand the words, but you are supposed to stand fast with your religion. Don't give up and keep doing what you're doing"
Me: "Okay, I'll try to keep my faith."
That was it. He doesn't talk like that ever. He's been reading a devotional book he got from me based off of the Love Dare book, but it's the year-long one. It still has challenges each week, but it also has a lesson and verse for each day. I'm surprised he's still doing it. I'm even more surprised he's gone to counseling and says he's going to keep going. We'll see. I don't foresee us getting back together, ever. I feel like the L-rd told me that he will change, but I won't see the fruits of this (my) labor but the story ends well for him. I hope it ends well for me too, but I guess we'll see.
Well, y'all keep on keepin' on. Stick with the faith and know that the L-rd is working, even if you feel like your whole life is going up in smoke. G-d is working on a billion things for every one thing He lets you have a glimpse of. I believe that's true for me too. Blessings guys.
P.S.
His prayer, along with mine, actually worked. Maybe it was psychological, but I think the L-rd helped me a lot. I fell asleep within about 10 minutes of hanging up from the second phone call.
I guess he and his counselor talked about me and why the two of us broke up. Jacob ended up calling me last night and telling me that he believes I was never really "in love" with him because he was just a rebound and distraction from my first rape. It has occurred to me that he may have been a rebound, but I had feelings for him. However, when he continually lied to me, that's when the love dwindled away because I had been loving him for the lies, not for him actually showing me his past scars. I think he may have started as a rebound, but I developed true love for him. Having him tell me he didn't think I ever loved him hurt. It hurt a lot.
While we were going out, there were times that he would compare me to his dead wife. He would say she was pretty, but I think you're prettier. Or he would tell me what she did to calm him down or what she did that he liked. Little things they developed like a counting game with squeezing each other's hands just to let the other one know they were there and thinking about them regardless of whether they were driving, fighting, whatever. At one point, he told me he loved me probably more than his wife. I didn't think much of it and I highly doubted it, but it stuck in my mind. Last night, he told me he didn't love me nearly as much as he had loved his wife. He covered it up by saying they grew up together, knew each other for way longer, and went through much more together than he and I had. Okay, this makes sense, I guess but it hurt to hear it. I mean, who says that? I would suspect he would love her more, but you don't say that to someone! Especially someone who is barely surviving and doesn't feel loved by anyone right now, especially friends or guys.
We keep talking and venting about our counseling sessions. I don't know why, but we do. In fact, we're having deeper conversations than we did when we were dating. It's really frustrating, actually. Anywho, he asked how I have been doing. I told him the following story:
Yesterday, I started my OB class and I have been excited about this class since I started college! I absolutely love watching births and seeing pregnant women and babies and everything that has to do with moms and babies. We started watching a birth in class (a video) and my eyes started tearing up. These weren't happy tears at a baby being born, these were tears of pain because the woman had her feet in stirrups and it reminded me of my SANE exam.
The next birth video was in a birthing center and my eyes teared up again and they almost spilled over. The video ended and I watched the wall for most of it because I was on the verge of sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I was hyperventilating, my heart was pounding, I was sad that I don't believe I will ever have babies, and I'm disappointed I was having so many troubles in a class that I have so been looking forward to forever! I want to be a midwife for goodness sake!!!
Whew, so that video ended and I kinda kept my composure. Lecture continued and we watched a third video towards the end. This was a water birth at home. About a minute into the video, my eye were filled with tears, I was having all the symptoms that I had in the second video and the tears started spilling. I jumped from my seat (which was in the back right next to the door, thank the L-rd) and I nearly ran to the bathroom. I got in there and there were other people. I washed my hands to make it seem like I was okay, but I absolutely wasn't. Then, all of a sudden, Beauty comes walking out of a stall. I dried my hands, looked up and said "hey! it's you!" The concern on her face was evident, she asked if I was okay. I said I was fine, booked it out of that bathroom and speed walked to the bathroom in the back of the building. Oh my goodness, I lost it! I was in a stall, sitting on the toilet, trying to keep my sobs as silent as possible and cried for about 5 minutes. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking, I was losing my mind and it was terrifying! I waited for the other girls to leave, emmerged from my sanctuary and washed my hands, splashed cold water on my face a few times, and composed myself enough to go back to class. I zoned out for the rest of class just so that my body could sit there to keep my friends from wondering if I was okay.
On the phone with Jacob (exfiance) later that night, I explained all of this to him. He was kinda sweet about it and the most important thing is he listens to my rambling about my lack of coping with life right now. He asked me a few questions and we got to a point where I was explaining that I haven't been sleeping more than a couple hours each night because I can't fall asleep and I keep having flashbacks about him, exboyfriend and Country Boy. We discussed Country Boy's suicide and Jacob told me that I shouldn't be sad about him committing suicide. He said that me being sad and crying about it is selfish. I know it's selfish, but at the same time I need to be able to cope with what happened because it affected me terribly. You don't tell people not to cry or be sad if something happened in their life or they had a friend/family member die! You just don't do that!!! I ended up getting really mad, but Jacob just kept talking and I kept crying.
He ended by reverting to saying that I never loved him. He said he's not mad because he knows I have been in "survival mode" (according to my counselor because of the severe PTSD). He says he's proud of me for getting good grades and continuing with school even though my brain isn't functioning properly and barely surviving right now. He told me he thinks I'm a "badass bitch" because I keep on going even though most people would be staying in bed all the time and they would have given up a long time ago. He's proud of me for not killing myself and for not cutting in a few weeks. He says he's proud of me for getting help and for dealing with all of the troubles in my life without telling people about them.
I think that's one of the hardest things to do. If you have a broken leg or some reason to get surgery, people understand you taking time to recover and build yourself back up. They usually respect your privacy and the fact you need space. They are also more likely to want to help you with food, cleaning, groceries, etc because they know you may need help. The thing with rape is, you can't tell everyone. Well, you could, but it's likely to cause you more problems than it is to help you at all. I have chosen to tell a couple friends for support, but the vast majority of the people in my life (most of my friends, bosses, professors/instructors, patients, extended family, and even my dad) have no idea what's wrong with me. They see that I'm changing, withdrawing, sad, grumpy, and all around not being myself, but they don't know why. So, they tell me to suck it up and then get angry when they are not top priority on my list. But what am I supposed to do? I was burned out with all of the needy people in my life before any of this bad stuff happened. What am I supposed to do now that it is all I can do to wake up in the morning and consider getting out of bed?
We went on to talk about one of Jacob's friends from back in the day passing away this week. He tarted talking about a bunch of other friends that had died through his life, including his "father figure" who he really looked up to. Turns out, the father figure guy had a nephew that had committed suicide about the same time Country Boy did. They both also had the same name. We realized this all for the first time last night. Jacob had helped his father figure get the kid down from his noose once he was found. So Jacob asked for a picture of Country Boy to see if it was the same kid. He was freaking out last night saying it was so creepy and weirding him out that my friend that died might have been the same guy that he helped get down after the other kid's suicide. After I sent him the picture today, he said they weren't the same kid. It's a little bit of a relief.
Jacob also found out that Country Boy ended up being buried. About a month after he had died, I went to the place where his funeral was held (after clinical that day and I was in my whites), but they told me he had been cremated. Well, turns out Jacob called the funeral home and he was told Country Boy had been buried there. Okay, looks like I'm going there to see his grave tomorrow.
Jacob and I closed the conversation with him saying he'd pray that I would be able to sleep at a decent time last night. He called back like 2 minutes later saying: "Hey, I know this is going to sound weird, these aren't my words and I don't know what I'm saying, but do you remember the guy that you told me about? You know, the one that Satan made a bet with G-d that the guy wouldn't stay good, so G-d allowed him to be tested by Satan just to see if he would stay good?"
Me: "Job?"
Him: "Yeah! Well, while I was praying, I got this feeling that you are that guy. You are being tested. Now, this is going to sound really weird and I don't understand the words, but you are supposed to stand fast with your religion. Don't give up and keep doing what you're doing"
Me: "Okay, I'll try to keep my faith."
That was it. He doesn't talk like that ever. He's been reading a devotional book he got from me based off of the Love Dare book, but it's the year-long one. It still has challenges each week, but it also has a lesson and verse for each day. I'm surprised he's still doing it. I'm even more surprised he's gone to counseling and says he's going to keep going. We'll see. I don't foresee us getting back together, ever. I feel like the L-rd told me that he will change, but I won't see the fruits of this (my) labor but the story ends well for him. I hope it ends well for me too, but I guess we'll see.
Well, y'all keep on keepin' on. Stick with the faith and know that the L-rd is working, even if you feel like your whole life is going up in smoke. G-d is working on a billion things for every one thing He lets you have a glimpse of. I believe that's true for me too. Blessings guys.
P.S.
His prayer, along with mine, actually worked. Maybe it was psychological, but I think the L-rd helped me a lot. I fell asleep within about 10 minutes of hanging up from the second phone call.
Shameful Secrets
I regret to inform you guys that I like a Justin Bieber song... I swear, I listen to country and christian most times but I was hanging out at my Brother's job and he put on a song called "Love Yourself". I fell in love with the song because it's a decent message and reminded me of the break up with exfiance. I asked Brother who it was by and he dropped the news like the world was ending because he knew I would be upset by it. Regardless, it's a pretty solid song and I've listened to it about 900 times today.
I was helping Roomie cook supper and started playing it. When I play it then I feel the need to sing or hum along. I thought I was really being quiet but she said I have a good singing voice and it made me so happy! She teaches piano, knows how to sing on key (which I absolutely do not) and she learned guitar but doesn't like it because it hurts her fingers. I happen to like calluses on my fingers and so I'm still aspiring to learn piano and guitar and then maybe convince myself to get some singing lessons with someone... someday?... maybe...
I am happy today. It's been a really long time since I've been just okay and today I got the feeling back. I was supposed to be doing homework but my friend is a foster mom for a 10 week-old black lab puppy so I may have dropped by her house to assist in the foster parenting of the little guy. Oh my goodness, oxytocin overload! And it is absolutely wonderful. Oh, the friend is Big Red.
Big Red is really good at keeping her boundaries (which are very different from mine). She is great at speaking her mind, communicating, and also knowing how to say things so that they are clear but not really hard for the other person to accept. So, I had her ready the messages between the friend that was being not nice to me. Actually, let's name her because I keep talking about her. Ummm, let's call her Jersey.
Okay, so, Jersey is the friend who "yelled" at me in person and over text after the first day of class because Beauty and I went to the mall. I told you guys about the whole falling out/me finally standing up for myself thing that went down yesterday. As it goes with most drama in girl circles, as I am finding out recently, drama between two friends quickly gets discussed with all members of the group by al parties involved directly. From there, the outlying friends that get a take on the drama from the parties involved then attempt to play middle-man to decrease drama and attempt to save friendships. So, Beauty is trying to get Jersey to calm down and she is trying to tell me that Jersey is upset because I didn't tell her that yelling at me is okay when she "apologized". Side note, it's not an apology if you say "sorry, but..." I thought that would be common sense, but apologies aren't really something that people do anymore. I do, but I belong in the 1800's.
Anyway, Big Red read all of the messages to and from Jersey and I. I told her to be honest if I was being unreasonable, mean, a bitch, etc. I trust Big Red to be straight with me because she always is. She doesn't beat around the bush or candy coat it. She also has no problem calling people out when they are being weird or mean or anything.
After reading everything, she told me that I was okay and I worded my side tastefully, reasonably, and kindly. She told me Jersey is over-reacting and she supports my decision to cut Jersey from my immediate friend group. I'll still be nice to her and sit near her in class. Hell, I'll even invite her to stuff when I invite all of our friends. However, I will no longer be making a huge effort to make it to her events, nor will I be sharing any type of personal information with her anymore. You also better believe I'm deleting her off of Facebook once I graduate and move away. She is someone who gets a kick out of Facebook stalking others and I am not okay with that. I don't really share anything on there anyway, but she has a knack of reading into what is posted or liked and then she makes up stories that she believes as fact and she begins rumors and troubles...
So, I am happy today.
Exfiance hasn't messaged me today. He hasn't spoken to me since yesterday morning, in fact. Maybe he finally got the message that we're not getting back together and I'm sick of playing his games? The other part of me is scared he would commit suicide just to get back at me. I'm terrified that I would have to live with his blood on my head. I'm almost certain I couldn't handle another suicide being my fault.
That does honestly terrify me. However, I'm still happy today. I'm making boundaries, enforcing them, and liberating myself.
...but then there's Bieber and I am not coping with liking his song very well... it'll be okay guys, this is just a phase and it's just one song. Right? I hope!!!
I was helping Roomie cook supper and started playing it. When I play it then I feel the need to sing or hum along. I thought I was really being quiet but she said I have a good singing voice and it made me so happy! She teaches piano, knows how to sing on key (which I absolutely do not) and she learned guitar but doesn't like it because it hurts her fingers. I happen to like calluses on my fingers and so I'm still aspiring to learn piano and guitar and then maybe convince myself to get some singing lessons with someone... someday?... maybe...
I am happy today. It's been a really long time since I've been just okay and today I got the feeling back. I was supposed to be doing homework but my friend is a foster mom for a 10 week-old black lab puppy so I may have dropped by her house to assist in the foster parenting of the little guy. Oh my goodness, oxytocin overload! And it is absolutely wonderful. Oh, the friend is Big Red.
Big Red is really good at keeping her boundaries (which are very different from mine). She is great at speaking her mind, communicating, and also knowing how to say things so that they are clear but not really hard for the other person to accept. So, I had her ready the messages between the friend that was being not nice to me. Actually, let's name her because I keep talking about her. Ummm, let's call her Jersey.
Okay, so, Jersey is the friend who "yelled" at me in person and over text after the first day of class because Beauty and I went to the mall. I told you guys about the whole falling out/me finally standing up for myself thing that went down yesterday. As it goes with most drama in girl circles, as I am finding out recently, drama between two friends quickly gets discussed with all members of the group by al parties involved directly. From there, the outlying friends that get a take on the drama from the parties involved then attempt to play middle-man to decrease drama and attempt to save friendships. So, Beauty is trying to get Jersey to calm down and she is trying to tell me that Jersey is upset because I didn't tell her that yelling at me is okay when she "apologized". Side note, it's not an apology if you say "sorry, but..." I thought that would be common sense, but apologies aren't really something that people do anymore. I do, but I belong in the 1800's.
Anyway, Big Red read all of the messages to and from Jersey and I. I told her to be honest if I was being unreasonable, mean, a bitch, etc. I trust Big Red to be straight with me because she always is. She doesn't beat around the bush or candy coat it. She also has no problem calling people out when they are being weird or mean or anything.
After reading everything, she told me that I was okay and I worded my side tastefully, reasonably, and kindly. She told me Jersey is over-reacting and she supports my decision to cut Jersey from my immediate friend group. I'll still be nice to her and sit near her in class. Hell, I'll even invite her to stuff when I invite all of our friends. However, I will no longer be making a huge effort to make it to her events, nor will I be sharing any type of personal information with her anymore. You also better believe I'm deleting her off of Facebook once I graduate and move away. She is someone who gets a kick out of Facebook stalking others and I am not okay with that. I don't really share anything on there anyway, but she has a knack of reading into what is posted or liked and then she makes up stories that she believes as fact and she begins rumors and troubles...
So, I am happy today.
Exfiance hasn't messaged me today. He hasn't spoken to me since yesterday morning, in fact. Maybe he finally got the message that we're not getting back together and I'm sick of playing his games? The other part of me is scared he would commit suicide just to get back at me. I'm terrified that I would have to live with his blood on my head. I'm almost certain I couldn't handle another suicide being my fault.
That does honestly terrify me. However, I'm still happy today. I'm making boundaries, enforcing them, and liberating myself.
...but then there's Bieber and I am not coping with liking his song very well... it'll be okay guys, this is just a phase and it's just one song. Right? I hope!!!
"Love Yourself"
(Justin Bieber)
For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh girl for goodness sake
You think I'm crying, oh my oh, well I ain't
And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
But when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
And tried to make me forget where I came from
And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
For all the times that you've made me feel small
I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all
Had never felt so low when I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh girl for goodness sake
You think I'm crying, oh my oh, well I ain't
And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
But when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
And tried to make me forget where I came from
And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
For all the times that you've made me feel small
I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all
Had never felt so low when I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
All Complaints
Guys, it feels like I just complain on here a lot. I'm terribly sorry. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to even think about reading all of my posts that talk about pretty much the same thing each time.
With that said, I need to vent terribly.
Today, I got "yelled" at by a friend because she feels she is neglected. I went to the mall with Beauty after counseling yesterday because I needed to be around someone who knew my whole story. Well, some of it. This friend, we'll call her Jersey, heard about it and became extremely jealous. She started making snide comments to me after class, in a very passive aggressive turning straight up aggressive manner after class today.
Jersey knows the part of the story where I broke up with Exboyfriend because he raped me. She doesn't understand how bad it was, but I spilled it to her one day when I had been drinking at her house. In fact, Exfiance was there. Haha, that's kinda funny in a twisted way that doesn't make sense if I think about it in any kid of a logical sense.
Anyway, she is angry at Beauty and I because she feels like she plans everything and when Beauty or I plan anything she thinks she's not invited. Thing is, I don't do much. I go to Jersey's parties or get togethers when I can because I want to support her. Beauty and I don't plan things, we just spontaneously get together if one of us is having a bad day, we're bored, or we need help. That's it.
Jersey yelled at me after class for about 10 minutes. I tried to explain myself and she wasn't having any of it. Then she continued to yell at me over about 8 texts. I kept wanting to write pages and pages worth of stuff to explain myself to her, but I decided sweet responses would be better. No. Nothing will be better for her. I said sorry, even though it's not my fault and I invite her to whatever happens to occur in my life. She yelled at me for not being able to go to her birthday and then again for not going to the second attempt at her birthday. I don't know what I did or had going on, but maybe I'm just a flake. I don't know! I don't even know when the hell her birthday is!
I can tell you I'm sick of taking shit from others. You're mad that friends aren't hanging out with you all the time? Okay, then go fucking fix it! Go find new friends! Ask your friends out! Do something about it! I am not taking this bullshit anymore. It takes everything within me to wake up and get out of bed, especially to go to class or eat; I'm not super concerned with ensuring that all of my friends have a fulfilled social life. That's not my fucking job.
She doesn't give a shit that other people have things going on in their life. She doesn't care that my main goal right now is just to survive and not take the bottle of pills that tempts me each night, or take the razor to my skin to calm my mind down for 5 second. She doesn't understand what it's like to not sleep for weeks because of the insomnia and nightmares. She doesn't get what it's like to avoid over half of the city that I live in and take extra long routes to get places, just so that I can prevent panic attacks and severe flashbacks. SHE DOESN'T FUCKING GET IT! NOR DOES SHE CARE. Why is this? It's because she's mad she doesn't get to hang out with us all of the time.
Before class started, she invited me to her house to watch football (American football) this weekend. I told her I would think about it but why the hell would I go after she just went off on me for shit that's not my fault? Honestly, what was she thinking? I invite her to things when I do them. I understand feeling burnt out because you feel like you're the one doing all the planning. Hell, I felt like that when we first met. I made all sorts of plans the first two and a half years of nursing school. She even flaked on a lot of them by backing out last minute. Now, for the past year, she feels like she's the only one making plans. She's the only one with a house, but it's a 30 minute drive for anyone to be able to get there. There's always drama and still I go whenever I can to support her. Do the plans I made get brought up? Does she understand I'm one of 2-3 people that actually goes to her stuff? Does she consider that other people have their lives imploding in around them? No. No to all of these points.
I'm over it. I swear, if she tries to start yelling at me again I will have it out with her. She needs to understand I don't have time to be dealing with crap from anyone else, but I seem to be the one everyone chooses to dump on. I'm sick of taking shit from Brother, Dad, Mom, exroommate and her mother, exboyfriend, exfiance, and the billion other people that seem to see the "kick me" sign on my ass that I am apparently blind to. You fuck with me? You're gonna get the horns because I am absolutely tired of everyone assuming they can treat me this way. She may be the first one I go off on but you better believe this is just the beginning. I'm so over it.
With that said, I need to vent terribly.
Today, I got "yelled" at by a friend because she feels she is neglected. I went to the mall with Beauty after counseling yesterday because I needed to be around someone who knew my whole story. Well, some of it. This friend, we'll call her Jersey, heard about it and became extremely jealous. She started making snide comments to me after class, in a very passive aggressive turning straight up aggressive manner after class today.
Jersey knows the part of the story where I broke up with Exboyfriend because he raped me. She doesn't understand how bad it was, but I spilled it to her one day when I had been drinking at her house. In fact, Exfiance was there. Haha, that's kinda funny in a twisted way that doesn't make sense if I think about it in any kid of a logical sense.
Anyway, she is angry at Beauty and I because she feels like she plans everything and when Beauty or I plan anything she thinks she's not invited. Thing is, I don't do much. I go to Jersey's parties or get togethers when I can because I want to support her. Beauty and I don't plan things, we just spontaneously get together if one of us is having a bad day, we're bored, or we need help. That's it.
Jersey yelled at me after class for about 10 minutes. I tried to explain myself and she wasn't having any of it. Then she continued to yell at me over about 8 texts. I kept wanting to write pages and pages worth of stuff to explain myself to her, but I decided sweet responses would be better. No. Nothing will be better for her. I said sorry, even though it's not my fault and I invite her to whatever happens to occur in my life. She yelled at me for not being able to go to her birthday and then again for not going to the second attempt at her birthday. I don't know what I did or had going on, but maybe I'm just a flake. I don't know! I don't even know when the hell her birthday is!
I can tell you I'm sick of taking shit from others. You're mad that friends aren't hanging out with you all the time? Okay, then go fucking fix it! Go find new friends! Ask your friends out! Do something about it! I am not taking this bullshit anymore. It takes everything within me to wake up and get out of bed, especially to go to class or eat; I'm not super concerned with ensuring that all of my friends have a fulfilled social life. That's not my fucking job.
She doesn't give a shit that other people have things going on in their life. She doesn't care that my main goal right now is just to survive and not take the bottle of pills that tempts me each night, or take the razor to my skin to calm my mind down for 5 second. She doesn't understand what it's like to not sleep for weeks because of the insomnia and nightmares. She doesn't get what it's like to avoid over half of the city that I live in and take extra long routes to get places, just so that I can prevent panic attacks and severe flashbacks. SHE DOESN'T FUCKING GET IT! NOR DOES SHE CARE. Why is this? It's because she's mad she doesn't get to hang out with us all of the time.
Before class started, she invited me to her house to watch football (American football) this weekend. I told her I would think about it but why the hell would I go after she just went off on me for shit that's not my fault? Honestly, what was she thinking? I invite her to things when I do them. I understand feeling burnt out because you feel like you're the one doing all the planning. Hell, I felt like that when we first met. I made all sorts of plans the first two and a half years of nursing school. She even flaked on a lot of them by backing out last minute. Now, for the past year, she feels like she's the only one making plans. She's the only one with a house, but it's a 30 minute drive for anyone to be able to get there. There's always drama and still I go whenever I can to support her. Do the plans I made get brought up? Does she understand I'm one of 2-3 people that actually goes to her stuff? Does she consider that other people have their lives imploding in around them? No. No to all of these points.
I'm over it. I swear, if she tries to start yelling at me again I will have it out with her. She needs to understand I don't have time to be dealing with crap from anyone else, but I seem to be the one everyone chooses to dump on. I'm sick of taking shit from Brother, Dad, Mom, exroommate and her mother, exboyfriend, exfiance, and the billion other people that seem to see the "kick me" sign on my ass that I am apparently blind to. You fuck with me? You're gonna get the horns because I am absolutely tired of everyone assuming they can treat me this way. She may be the first one I go off on but you better believe this is just the beginning. I'm so over it.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Hopeful Beginnings
Counseling began today. I went in for paperwork and we went right into a session. Praise the L-rd! It was killing me that three session and a screening interview at the other place got me no where. I even told my new counselor that I was frustrated with the other lady for not really getting anywhere. I get the need to build rapport and ease some people in but I am ready to get down and dirty and get help. This kind of a thing doesn't need slow progress into it. I needs a quick acting, intense help to get people past their trauma into a functioning mindset again.
Well, I was officially diagnosed with severe PTSD today. It makes me sad, but it also makes me feel less crazy because nobody believed me when it was self-diagnosed. Now it's believable because my counselor gave me the title? Maybe if she finally diagnoses me with my anxiety disorders, depression and/or bipolar II, then people will believe me about those ones too. Goodness, I have the book psychiatrists, counselors, etc. use to diagnose stuff. I'm not making shit up.
Anyway, counseling went well. After she glanced (and I mean glanced) at my paperwork, she asked straight away: "So, what's your story?" I went through it all and she started connecting dots nobody else really ever has. I am so blessed to have been able to be assigned to her. Thank you L-rd! I talked about Country Boy, EXboyfriend, EXfiance, and all of my fears that I put in my post "Forgiveness?" She noticed that spring is likely to be a tough time for me; Country boy died, I broke up with Exboyfriend and met Exfiance all in the spring months, just a year apart. She warned me that this spring would likely be rough because I'll probably start remembering dates or the rapes, and deaths, and everything else that went to hell in a hand-basket within a couple month's time. I had already suspected that because this past March was tough a whole week before and after the anniversary of his death and then also the week before and after his birthday. These all coincide so from mid-March to mid-April I'm a complete mess. Now that will extend from mid-March to mid-May and it will all come back again in July. Great.
She basically told me I've been living in survival mode since the first rape (over 9 months). My only homework was to make sure I was eating, and eating things that actually count and provide fuel for my body so that I could start to work on the mental healing.
So, I really like her. I spent most of the hour crying and she finished saying: "You seem like such a sweet girl. Someone who tries to see the best in everyone and also someone who takes everyone else's baggage. That's a heavy load. You also seem to blame yourself for a lot of things that aren't in your control and they aren't your fault." Between her saying these things and her asking for my story, I felt so comforted and understood after this session. I didn't feel this way after talking with the first psychologist/psychiatrist person I saw. I'm so grateful to be able to be with this new lady.
Thank you L-rd for providing this woman, right when I needed her, right in the nick of time.
Exfiance knew I was going to counseling and he called right when it was over. We started talking about if he was excited or nervous for his session in a few days. He said he'd probably tell the therapist to "fuck off" and then leave. I told him it's dumb to even go if he wasn't going to put any effort forth. He said he was only going to "fix us".
OH MY GOSH!!!
How many times do I have to tell him I'm not getting back together with him? I told him I didn't want to get back together with him. He questioned if I was doing the right thing. I said yes. He said he was trying to do the right thing for us. I told him that he was trying to do the right thing for him and that him trying to get me back was not in my best interest but his. Haha, that pissed him off and he told me he was going to hang up. I said okay! Bye! Hahaha, I don't want to say I win but I definitely did. I'm so over his shit and he thinks I'm dumb enough to go back with him! Sorry, but no. You need to leave me alone you fucker.
Again, I'm sorry for the bad language right after praising the L-rd for His provisions. I'm working out anger... and a lot of other stuff.
Regardless, the pervasive song that keeps popping into my head is "Held" by Natalie Grant. I haven't heard it in years but it keeps popping into my head at random times. Praise the L-rd for this too!
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held.
Well, I was officially diagnosed with severe PTSD today. It makes me sad, but it also makes me feel less crazy because nobody believed me when it was self-diagnosed. Now it's believable because my counselor gave me the title? Maybe if she finally diagnoses me with my anxiety disorders, depression and/or bipolar II, then people will believe me about those ones too. Goodness, I have the book psychiatrists, counselors, etc. use to diagnose stuff. I'm not making shit up.
Anyway, counseling went well. After she glanced (and I mean glanced) at my paperwork, she asked straight away: "So, what's your story?" I went through it all and she started connecting dots nobody else really ever has. I am so blessed to have been able to be assigned to her. Thank you L-rd! I talked about Country Boy, EXboyfriend, EXfiance, and all of my fears that I put in my post "Forgiveness?" She noticed that spring is likely to be a tough time for me; Country boy died, I broke up with Exboyfriend and met Exfiance all in the spring months, just a year apart. She warned me that this spring would likely be rough because I'll probably start remembering dates or the rapes, and deaths, and everything else that went to hell in a hand-basket within a couple month's time. I had already suspected that because this past March was tough a whole week before and after the anniversary of his death and then also the week before and after his birthday. These all coincide so from mid-March to mid-April I'm a complete mess. Now that will extend from mid-March to mid-May and it will all come back again in July. Great.
She basically told me I've been living in survival mode since the first rape (over 9 months). My only homework was to make sure I was eating, and eating things that actually count and provide fuel for my body so that I could start to work on the mental healing.
So, I really like her. I spent most of the hour crying and she finished saying: "You seem like such a sweet girl. Someone who tries to see the best in everyone and also someone who takes everyone else's baggage. That's a heavy load. You also seem to blame yourself for a lot of things that aren't in your control and they aren't your fault." Between her saying these things and her asking for my story, I felt so comforted and understood after this session. I didn't feel this way after talking with the first psychologist/psychiatrist person I saw. I'm so grateful to be able to be with this new lady.
Thank you L-rd for providing this woman, right when I needed her, right in the nick of time.
Exfiance knew I was going to counseling and he called right when it was over. We started talking about if he was excited or nervous for his session in a few days. He said he'd probably tell the therapist to "fuck off" and then leave. I told him it's dumb to even go if he wasn't going to put any effort forth. He said he was only going to "fix us".
OH MY GOSH!!!
How many times do I have to tell him I'm not getting back together with him? I told him I didn't want to get back together with him. He questioned if I was doing the right thing. I said yes. He said he was trying to do the right thing for us. I told him that he was trying to do the right thing for him and that him trying to get me back was not in my best interest but his. Haha, that pissed him off and he told me he was going to hang up. I said okay! Bye! Hahaha, I don't want to say I win but I definitely did. I'm so over his shit and he thinks I'm dumb enough to go back with him! Sorry, but no. You need to leave me alone you fucker.
Again, I'm sorry for the bad language right after praising the L-rd for His provisions. I'm working out anger... and a lot of other stuff.
Regardless, the pervasive song that keeps popping into my head is "Held" by Natalie Grant. I haven't heard it in years but it keeps popping into my head at random times. Praise the L-rd for this too!
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Bipolar Rollercoaster of a Breakup
For those of you that have been following, this break-up has been really tough on me, but there are good things about it.
Today I went to visit Brother at work. He works at a hookah shop and lots of people go through there in a day, but I probably wouldn't date any of them because nearly 98% probably smoke weed. Anyway, I got a compliment on my hair from one guy. Another guy came in to look around and ended up staying for about an hour talking with my brother and I. Brother said he was into me because he was trying to tell me all of his good qualities by working it "subtly" into conversation. I noticed that he was blushing, super smiley and giggly, and when he left he introduced himself to my brother an I with handshakes (I mean, who does that in college?) and after hearing my name he repeated it. He was so stinkin' cute but I won't ever pursue it because he's got a lot of red flags popping up already for him from my end. Another co-worker mentioned that Brother's manager wants to date me and all of the coworkers he works with make a point to ask when we will start dating. Plus, Brother's roommate has had a crush on me since we met two and a half years ago.
Again, I will not be allowing any of these guys to start relationships with me but it makes me feel so pretty and desirable by complete strangers. It's a confidence booster that I needed after two guys who didn't tell me I looked good after spending 3 hours to do my hair and make-up and get new clothes to look good for them. Well guys, turns out I'm kinda a catch!
When guys learn I like to shoot guns, fish, camp (real camping in tents, not "glamping" in an RV), riding horses, fixing cars, welding, cows, etc. they typically think I'm a bad-ass! The guys I dated did not. Being a church girl is typically an exciting thing. Being an almost baby nurse is typically an exciting and admirable thing. Also, it turns out I'm a frickin' fantastic girlfriend! I'll also be a great mom. The guys I dated didn't care about any of this, but most other guys I meet think this is all super exciting stuff!
Maybe G-d is just showing me that these two guys weren't the end-all-be-all for me. Maybe He's showing me that I'm desirable and there may be a guy who falls in love with everything that I am because some people think I'm great. Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty great. Yes, I have a lot of faults and a lot of shortcomings, but I have a lot of positive attributes too.
Thank you L-rd for today being a huge confidence booster. Please protect me from now on and bring a great guy into my life. (More on the kind of guy I think I might want later, or maybe never because the list is way too long).
Oh, roommate and puppy came back today. I have been so lonely this whole month and a half of Winter Break but they're back! I'm sad break is over and I'm starting my last semester of nursing school, but I love school and I love peds/ob. I'm hoping that this semester isn't as terrible as everyone says it is. Here's to praying that I get to enjoy my last semester of nursing school instead of barely surviving with life so that school doesn't even matter (which is how 2015 turned out). Please, oh L-rd, let 2016 be better than 2015 ended up for me!!!
If this post doesn't show the ups and downs of life and bipolar disorder after the last post, I don't know what will.
- I'm feeling stronger than I have in over a year, and probably stronger than I ever have been.
- I'm finally getting counseling (tomorrow) without anyone around to make fun of me for going. In fact, exfiance and I had a bet that he just lost and he gets to start counseling on Thursday. He was the one making fun of me for going before and now he has no place to talk.
- I'm learning to speak my mind instead of protect other people's feelings.
- I'm feeling free for the first time in a very long time. This makes me happy, some days.
- The main thing that is making me happy since this break-up is... SO MANY GUYS ARE FLIRTING WITH ME!
Today I went to visit Brother at work. He works at a hookah shop and lots of people go through there in a day, but I probably wouldn't date any of them because nearly 98% probably smoke weed. Anyway, I got a compliment on my hair from one guy. Another guy came in to look around and ended up staying for about an hour talking with my brother and I. Brother said he was into me because he was trying to tell me all of his good qualities by working it "subtly" into conversation. I noticed that he was blushing, super smiley and giggly, and when he left he introduced himself to my brother an I with handshakes (I mean, who does that in college?) and after hearing my name he repeated it. He was so stinkin' cute but I won't ever pursue it because he's got a lot of red flags popping up already for him from my end. Another co-worker mentioned that Brother's manager wants to date me and all of the coworkers he works with make a point to ask when we will start dating. Plus, Brother's roommate has had a crush on me since we met two and a half years ago.
Again, I will not be allowing any of these guys to start relationships with me but it makes me feel so pretty and desirable by complete strangers. It's a confidence booster that I needed after two guys who didn't tell me I looked good after spending 3 hours to do my hair and make-up and get new clothes to look good for them. Well guys, turns out I'm kinda a catch!
When guys learn I like to shoot guns, fish, camp (real camping in tents, not "glamping" in an RV), riding horses, fixing cars, welding, cows, etc. they typically think I'm a bad-ass! The guys I dated did not. Being a church girl is typically an exciting thing. Being an almost baby nurse is typically an exciting and admirable thing. Also, it turns out I'm a frickin' fantastic girlfriend! I'll also be a great mom. The guys I dated didn't care about any of this, but most other guys I meet think this is all super exciting stuff!
Maybe G-d is just showing me that these two guys weren't the end-all-be-all for me. Maybe He's showing me that I'm desirable and there may be a guy who falls in love with everything that I am because some people think I'm great. Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty great. Yes, I have a lot of faults and a lot of shortcomings, but I have a lot of positive attributes too.
Thank you L-rd for today being a huge confidence booster. Please protect me from now on and bring a great guy into my life. (More on the kind of guy I think I might want later, or maybe never because the list is way too long).
Oh, roommate and puppy came back today. I have been so lonely this whole month and a half of Winter Break but they're back! I'm sad break is over and I'm starting my last semester of nursing school, but I love school and I love peds/ob. I'm hoping that this semester isn't as terrible as everyone says it is. Here's to praying that I get to enjoy my last semester of nursing school instead of barely surviving with life so that school doesn't even matter (which is how 2015 turned out). Please, oh L-rd, let 2016 be better than 2015 ended up for me!!!
If this post doesn't show the ups and downs of life and bipolar disorder after the last post, I don't know what will.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Forgiveness?
I have found, in the past few years, it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself.
I keep waking up with panic attacks because I feel like I have failed my future husband, G-d, and myself. I feel unlovable and ruined. The nightmares and flashbacks are becoming too much for me. I keep playing what has happened in the past year, over and over again in my head. I could have fought harder. I could have prevented so many problems by breaking up with these boys when I had originally wanted to, if only I had had the guts and the strength to do it. I am quite convinced that I have made too many mistakes to be able to have any kind of a future like the one that I wanted so badly.
I wanted a sweet guy, who waited for marriage before having sex. I don't deserve that anymore because I allowed my body to be used by guys other than my husband. I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I blew that on a guy who was 5 years older than me because I was feeling pressured and didn't stand up for myself the way I needed to. Granted, I have learned a lot, but at a steep price.
I have lost the little sanity I was born with, and I feel as though I've been trampled.
I keep going back and forth between wondering if what happened to me was my fault, or if I did all I needed to and was able to at the time, to protect myself and my purity.
I am downright disgusted with myself and the way I have turned out.
Counseling starts Tuesday but I'm scared that I won't be able to work out all that I need to in the time I have a counselor. Maybe light will be shed and it will show me that all of these things were my fault. Maybe it will prove to me that believing these guys had any control over their actions was futile and I deserve to be locked away.
My nausea is back full force and I've almost lost my stomach a few times today. I can't escape my life, especially in my dreams. I keep breaking down and sobbing because I feel as though I have no hope left in a future, let alone a happy future. Flashbacks are constant and no longer just intermittent. Nightmares are guaranteed every night once I finally fall asleep around 3-4 a.m. from exhaustion. But I was with panic attacks around 9-10 a.m.
My head hurts from the whiplash I give myself by believing everything was my fault and then knowing that I had no control over these guys. They had their talons in deep and made me believe I made them enter my body. That's what they've told me. I was told it was my fault because I didn't say "no" seriously enough. It doesn't matter that I repeatedly said it and tried to push them away.
I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep normally again. If I ever do get married, will sex even be enjoyable? Or will it be a source of too much pain that I push my husband away and avoid it all together?
Should I even hope that I find a husband? If I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. Especially if I were the guy that I wanted before I was ruined and I found a girl like how I am presently.
I am unworthy, broken, dirty, impure, unlovable, and completely damaged goods. Maybe this is the Adversary saying mean things to me, but it's believable.
Some days, I want to know what a jury would say. Would they say that I am making stories up so that I can hopefully clear my concience? Or would they understand that I am telling the truth and see that I never wanted any of this? Would they see the hours of being yelled at over the phone for not being willing to "try" sex because I was waiting for marriage, only to be fed drinks all night until I was unable to walk and puking? Would they say it was my fault because I wasn't smarter that night and I kept drinking? Would they believe him when he says I started it? Would they believe me that I had told him a million times I never wanted to, but then woke up next to him, completely naked, next to him in a hotel? Would they believe it was my fault? Is it my fault?
The dozens of times he came onto me after that and I said flat out "no" several times, but he still "went in", do those count in my favor or his? Were those my fault too? Does pushing him away but not being strong enough to actually be able to get him off of me count for him or me? Why does he believe all of these are my fault because he was "thinking with his penis"? Are they my fault?
Why was I allowed to be able to meet him? Why would the L-rd allow this to happen again? More than that, I don't believe it was G-d's fault, I believe I made so many foolish choices that this is all on me. I believe He cares for me and tries to protect me, but where was He all those nights? Was He watching when I tried my best to keep my pants on as these guys ripped them off? Or did He turn His head? I believe I was set apart for Him, but if I was, why was I not protected? Am I that bad that I was banished to be able to be used by any guy that just had a hankering to get his rocks off? Why is this supposed to be my fate? Why was I not allowed to die when I wanted to in the 8th grade? If I had been allowed to, I wouldn't have had to live through this. What did I do that this is justifiable punishment for my sins?
WHY ME??? What did I do?
I keep waking up with panic attacks because I feel like I have failed my future husband, G-d, and myself. I feel unlovable and ruined. The nightmares and flashbacks are becoming too much for me. I keep playing what has happened in the past year, over and over again in my head. I could have fought harder. I could have prevented so many problems by breaking up with these boys when I had originally wanted to, if only I had had the guts and the strength to do it. I am quite convinced that I have made too many mistakes to be able to have any kind of a future like the one that I wanted so badly.
I wanted a sweet guy, who waited for marriage before having sex. I don't deserve that anymore because I allowed my body to be used by guys other than my husband. I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I blew that on a guy who was 5 years older than me because I was feeling pressured and didn't stand up for myself the way I needed to. Granted, I have learned a lot, but at a steep price.
I have lost the little sanity I was born with, and I feel as though I've been trampled.
I keep going back and forth between wondering if what happened to me was my fault, or if I did all I needed to and was able to at the time, to protect myself and my purity.
I am downright disgusted with myself and the way I have turned out.
Counseling starts Tuesday but I'm scared that I won't be able to work out all that I need to in the time I have a counselor. Maybe light will be shed and it will show me that all of these things were my fault. Maybe it will prove to me that believing these guys had any control over their actions was futile and I deserve to be locked away.
My nausea is back full force and I've almost lost my stomach a few times today. I can't escape my life, especially in my dreams. I keep breaking down and sobbing because I feel as though I have no hope left in a future, let alone a happy future. Flashbacks are constant and no longer just intermittent. Nightmares are guaranteed every night once I finally fall asleep around 3-4 a.m. from exhaustion. But I was with panic attacks around 9-10 a.m.
My head hurts from the whiplash I give myself by believing everything was my fault and then knowing that I had no control over these guys. They had their talons in deep and made me believe I made them enter my body. That's what they've told me. I was told it was my fault because I didn't say "no" seriously enough. It doesn't matter that I repeatedly said it and tried to push them away.
I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep normally again. If I ever do get married, will sex even be enjoyable? Or will it be a source of too much pain that I push my husband away and avoid it all together?
Should I even hope that I find a husband? If I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. Especially if I were the guy that I wanted before I was ruined and I found a girl like how I am presently.
I am unworthy, broken, dirty, impure, unlovable, and completely damaged goods. Maybe this is the Adversary saying mean things to me, but it's believable.
Some days, I want to know what a jury would say. Would they say that I am making stories up so that I can hopefully clear my concience? Or would they understand that I am telling the truth and see that I never wanted any of this? Would they see the hours of being yelled at over the phone for not being willing to "try" sex because I was waiting for marriage, only to be fed drinks all night until I was unable to walk and puking? Would they say it was my fault because I wasn't smarter that night and I kept drinking? Would they believe him when he says I started it? Would they believe me that I had told him a million times I never wanted to, but then woke up next to him, completely naked, next to him in a hotel? Would they believe it was my fault? Is it my fault?
The dozens of times he came onto me after that and I said flat out "no" several times, but he still "went in", do those count in my favor or his? Were those my fault too? Does pushing him away but not being strong enough to actually be able to get him off of me count for him or me? Why does he believe all of these are my fault because he was "thinking with his penis"? Are they my fault?
Why was I allowed to be able to meet him? Why would the L-rd allow this to happen again? More than that, I don't believe it was G-d's fault, I believe I made so many foolish choices that this is all on me. I believe He cares for me and tries to protect me, but where was He all those nights? Was He watching when I tried my best to keep my pants on as these guys ripped them off? Or did He turn His head? I believe I was set apart for Him, but if I was, why was I not protected? Am I that bad that I was banished to be able to be used by any guy that just had a hankering to get his rocks off? Why is this supposed to be my fate? Why was I not allowed to die when I wanted to in the 8th grade? If I had been allowed to, I wouldn't have had to live through this. What did I do that this is justifiable punishment for my sins?
WHY ME??? What did I do?
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Loneliness Ensues
Exfiance and I had been talking since the breakup a few weeks ago. I ended that last night. Well, I called him to see if he would go to some places that brought back a lot of flashbacks. Desensitization therapy, kinda. He said he would so I met him at the first place. He didn't want to go in right away, he wanted to talk for awhile. So, I got in his truck an we talked. It's been the same thing over and over since the breakup. He says he misses me and wants to fix us. I tell him it's too late. He says it's not. Blah, blah, blah. We have this conversation almost every day.
Last night, we went to two of my hundreds of bad places and spent nearly 4 hours in his truck talking and maybe 10 minutes in one store. Then we started talking in front of the other one but never went in. He finally yelled at me. I was waiting for it because he has yelled at me for everything we've ever "discussed" in the course of our relationship. He says it's my dad's fault that we broke up and that I broke up with him out of no where. On my end, I agree that my dad not approving the engagement was what finally tipped me over the edge, but that's not what put the final nail in the coffin. I have been explaining to exfiance that he needed to treat me better, put down his phone when I'm out with him, talk to me, open up about stuff, tell me the truth about stuff, stop lying to me, stop putting me down every chance he gets, stop making fun of me to his friends (WHILE I'M THERE!), and just being a decent person to me in general. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! I have given him so many chances. He kept telling me he would change and try to be good to me but that was just to get me to be back in a relationship with him. Then he would go right back to being mean to me.
I finally told him that last night. I don't know where the strength came from, but after two places and him yelling at me for about 4 hours and continually trying to kiss me, I had had enough. I flat out told him that I was done. I told him that I had been trying to be friends with him, but he was always pushing the relationship. He didn't respect me enough to stop trying to kiss me when we were no longer going out, he wouldn't stop grabbing my butt, he wouldn't stop doing the things that angered me in the relationship even though he says he's changed and he's totally different now. Bullshit. He started selling himself to me saying "let's just try it for a month, or to the end of this month, or for 3 days. Give me 3 days and I'll show you I'm different. Give me 24 hours, or 12 hours!" He just kept talking and talking the way he does when he is selling (hussling) people in the mall at the kiosk he now works at.
I told him that I tried the friend thing, but maybe we should just stop talking cold turkey. He started using his same manipulative tactics that I now recognize from the other times I've tried to leave. This time, however, I saw through it all. I see that he wants me but he doesn't see my value. He wants to put me in a box and he wants me to do whatever he wants. He thinks I'll cower and let him control me.
He drove off pissed off beyond belief last night. His go-to emotion has always been anger and it used to make me feel bad. Now, I say what I mean. No more beating around the bush, saying stuff "nice" so that he won't blow up. Nope, I laid it all out, very few words, and I let him be angry with me. I showed no emotion and had none to really show anyway. I felt so strong and freed at the end of that when he was driving away and I was getting in my car. I apologized for calling him into town for such a stupid reason, and I told him that we were no more. I had given him some books that I used when I was trying to get our relationship to work and I asked for them all back. He kept one saying it would be an excuse to come and see me again. He can have it because it was probably $3 and I'll just get another one if I even think I want to read it again.
I'm done.
I've learned a lot though! I've seen firsthand accounts of a manipulative relationship. I've learned that if my family doesn't like him then that's a red flag. However, they liked exboyfriend and we all know how that ended. If someone has a lot of dramatic stories, that is a red flag. When someone wants to isolate you and tells you to tell your friends and family to fuck off if they don't like the relationship, that's a huge problem. Unfortunately, I've learned that not everyone is as truthful as I try to be. Many people do bad things and rationalize it to themselves that the other person made them do it. That's not healthy. I've learned that I am stronger than I believed I was. I don't deserve manipulative relationships. I don't deserve being forced into a physical relationship and guys worth while won't force physical stuff on you. They will wait and respect what you want. I've also learned that many friendships aren't as deep as I thought they were. Many people can't handle the stuff I have to live through because of my poor choices. I have learned that when I cannot handle things, I need to be able to go to a trusted person so that they can provide outside advice on the situation. If it is bad from their point of view, then maybe I'm not being crazy and something is actually wrong. I've also learned that I am able to handle this stuff on my own, with the help of the L-rd because people cannot handle my baggage.
Do you guys remember best friend from when I first started blogging? We had a crush on each other and I was nervous about him asking me out. We went out for about 3 weeks, where I completely avoided him that whole time, and then I broke up with him. He started texting me a couple months ago. Lately, I told him what had happened with exboyfriend and exfiance. He is being so sweet and supportive, like a friend should. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to take him from her, but I forgot how much I missed him. He gives me hope that there is a decent guy out there for me. He was always respectful of my boundaries and always just wanted to talk and get to know me deeper. He didn't rush the physical stuff. He was my friend first for several years before he tried to get anywhere else with me. Even then, he was my friend first and boyfriend second. I miss him so terribly but I am so glad the the L-rd has brought him back as my friend. I pray that I find a guy like him again. Those guys usually get married really quick, though, because girls come and snatch them up really quick.
Oh well, here's to hoping the L-rd has someone with a lot of grace, kindness, goodness, respect, love, forgiveness, and understanding. Someone who can handle all my crazy and love me for my heart.
Why did I not wait for a guy like that? Why did I settle twice and land myself in a ditch?
Last night, we went to two of my hundreds of bad places and spent nearly 4 hours in his truck talking and maybe 10 minutes in one store. Then we started talking in front of the other one but never went in. He finally yelled at me. I was waiting for it because he has yelled at me for everything we've ever "discussed" in the course of our relationship. He says it's my dad's fault that we broke up and that I broke up with him out of no where. On my end, I agree that my dad not approving the engagement was what finally tipped me over the edge, but that's not what put the final nail in the coffin. I have been explaining to exfiance that he needed to treat me better, put down his phone when I'm out with him, talk to me, open up about stuff, tell me the truth about stuff, stop lying to me, stop putting me down every chance he gets, stop making fun of me to his friends (WHILE I'M THERE!), and just being a decent person to me in general. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! I have given him so many chances. He kept telling me he would change and try to be good to me but that was just to get me to be back in a relationship with him. Then he would go right back to being mean to me.
I finally told him that last night. I don't know where the strength came from, but after two places and him yelling at me for about 4 hours and continually trying to kiss me, I had had enough. I flat out told him that I was done. I told him that I had been trying to be friends with him, but he was always pushing the relationship. He didn't respect me enough to stop trying to kiss me when we were no longer going out, he wouldn't stop grabbing my butt, he wouldn't stop doing the things that angered me in the relationship even though he says he's changed and he's totally different now. Bullshit. He started selling himself to me saying "let's just try it for a month, or to the end of this month, or for 3 days. Give me 3 days and I'll show you I'm different. Give me 24 hours, or 12 hours!" He just kept talking and talking the way he does when he is selling (hussling) people in the mall at the kiosk he now works at.
I told him that I tried the friend thing, but maybe we should just stop talking cold turkey. He started using his same manipulative tactics that I now recognize from the other times I've tried to leave. This time, however, I saw through it all. I see that he wants me but he doesn't see my value. He wants to put me in a box and he wants me to do whatever he wants. He thinks I'll cower and let him control me.
He drove off pissed off beyond belief last night. His go-to emotion has always been anger and it used to make me feel bad. Now, I say what I mean. No more beating around the bush, saying stuff "nice" so that he won't blow up. Nope, I laid it all out, very few words, and I let him be angry with me. I showed no emotion and had none to really show anyway. I felt so strong and freed at the end of that when he was driving away and I was getting in my car. I apologized for calling him into town for such a stupid reason, and I told him that we were no more. I had given him some books that I used when I was trying to get our relationship to work and I asked for them all back. He kept one saying it would be an excuse to come and see me again. He can have it because it was probably $3 and I'll just get another one if I even think I want to read it again.
I'm done.
I've learned a lot though! I've seen firsthand accounts of a manipulative relationship. I've learned that if my family doesn't like him then that's a red flag. However, they liked exboyfriend and we all know how that ended. If someone has a lot of dramatic stories, that is a red flag. When someone wants to isolate you and tells you to tell your friends and family to fuck off if they don't like the relationship, that's a huge problem. Unfortunately, I've learned that not everyone is as truthful as I try to be. Many people do bad things and rationalize it to themselves that the other person made them do it. That's not healthy. I've learned that I am stronger than I believed I was. I don't deserve manipulative relationships. I don't deserve being forced into a physical relationship and guys worth while won't force physical stuff on you. They will wait and respect what you want. I've also learned that many friendships aren't as deep as I thought they were. Many people can't handle the stuff I have to live through because of my poor choices. I have learned that when I cannot handle things, I need to be able to go to a trusted person so that they can provide outside advice on the situation. If it is bad from their point of view, then maybe I'm not being crazy and something is actually wrong. I've also learned that I am able to handle this stuff on my own, with the help of the L-rd because people cannot handle my baggage.
Do you guys remember best friend from when I first started blogging? We had a crush on each other and I was nervous about him asking me out. We went out for about 3 weeks, where I completely avoided him that whole time, and then I broke up with him. He started texting me a couple months ago. Lately, I told him what had happened with exboyfriend and exfiance. He is being so sweet and supportive, like a friend should. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to take him from her, but I forgot how much I missed him. He gives me hope that there is a decent guy out there for me. He was always respectful of my boundaries and always just wanted to talk and get to know me deeper. He didn't rush the physical stuff. He was my friend first for several years before he tried to get anywhere else with me. Even then, he was my friend first and boyfriend second. I miss him so terribly but I am so glad the the L-rd has brought him back as my friend. I pray that I find a guy like him again. Those guys usually get married really quick, though, because girls come and snatch them up really quick.
Oh well, here's to hoping the L-rd has someone with a lot of grace, kindness, goodness, respect, love, forgiveness, and understanding. Someone who can handle all my crazy and love me for my heart.
Why did I not wait for a guy like that? Why did I settle twice and land myself in a ditch?
Friday, January 15, 2016
New Year, New Me
A lot of people start the new year saying this. It's usually bullshit. The new changes (like exercising more, taking people for granted less, etc, etc) typically don't last long. There will be a couple weeks of solid effort because the person goes back to their normal habits. That's okay. We're all here and we are who we are. So, it's good to start new years off with good intentions, even if those good intentions don't last until February or whatever your second month of the year happens to be.
Since the beginning of this year, I have been fighting to remain alone. EXfiance keeps texting and calling (only calls occasionally) asking me how "we" can "fix" us. I tell him time and time again that "we" do not get to get "fixed" anymore. I tried fixing us when we were still a thing and he didn't think that was important because he didn't think I would actually walk away. Well, buddy, too bad for you that I'm stronger than you thought I was.
He told me he's gonna go get counseling because I've been pestering him about getting counseling for a long time now. We'll see if he actually goes consistently, or if this is another lie. Regardless, I'm not getting back together with him. I'm sick of getting dragged through mud, tar, broken glass, gravel, and a whole host of bacteria just to be left on the side of the road naked and mostly dead (metaphorically).
My job ended on Christmas. My relationship ended a couple days before that. 2016 was a year to start clean. I'm not doing typical New Year's resolutions, I'm just working to help myself right now.
I started exercising with Bikini Body Mommy again, but only lasted two days.
I have gained 10-15 lbs since the break-up.
However, on a very positive note, I got an appointment to start counseling again. This time I am going through an organization that specializes in domestic abuse (I don't think this applies to me) and rape (this part does apply to me). I talked with my counselor today and she told me the first day involves paperwork for about 30 minutes and then we go right into a session. I'm hoping it doesn't take three sessions of babbling to get me to a point where we are actually working on anything.
I find myself wishing the L-rd would punish these guys for what they did. Damn, if that means it was my fault then punish me. But if it wasn't me, then I want them to understand that what they did was wrong. I don't believe in karma or in seeking revenge. The Bible, however, says that G-d deals justly and gives good to those who are good and bad to those who are bad. I've gotten a lot of bad being with the not-so-good guys in my life. Things are starting to get better but it's taking a lot of time.
Mostly, I want to know that not pressing charges was an okay thing to do. I need to know that if I happened to get up in front of a jury and they heard my side and the guys' sides, that the jury would let me know that it wasn't my fault. I also want apologies.
I want them, the guys, to tell me that they're sorry for what happened. Not sorry that I broke up with them or got mad. No, sorry that I have to deal with the nightmares, panic attacks, pieces of my family that they left behind, the knowledge that I will never get to go to my marriage bed pure. Most of all, I want them to understand how hard it is to live with the fact that these fuckers couldn't keep their dicks to themselves and caused this much damage to the point where I don't want to live anymore. I want them to understand that. It's not just an "oops my penis entered your body, my bad" kind of a situation. This is a, "you couldn't control yourself or see past your own desires at one point in time and now I want to die" kind of a situation. I want them to understand that what may seem like a little mistake to them is something that causes so much pain in others. I bear the brunt of it, but now my mom, brother, and a few friends have to share in the knowledge that a very sweet girl was stupid enough to have this done to her twice.
I know that multiple rapes are not very scarce. I am not saying other girls are stupid for getting raped twice. I'm saying that I feel stupid for allowing it to happen twice to me because I could have prevented it.
I want to know that the L-rd has better things in store and that He says that I'm clean. I want my memories of these two guys erased and the pain to be no more. I want to not have to live this life anymore.
I'm so very tired.
If you guys remember, I met Exboyfriend last year on New Year's Day right around 2 a.m. at a New Year's Eve dance. Funny to think that so much shit has happened to one person in a year. Other people go through more, but it's just something I watch from the sidelines. It's something else entirely to go through this personally.
So, for all of you starting new years out there, I know I'm a little late but I hope you guys have a good 2016. I pray that you guys have healthy years, full of love and laughter. I want you guys to find joy in your every day life and have some fun with those you love. Make time for friends and family. If you don't feel good, take a few days to rest and get yourself better. Keep up on you so that the rest of us can enjoy time with you when you're feeling better. Many of you have struggled with health issues, personal problems, and a whole host of troubles this last year; I'm right there with you. Don't think I don't remember you guys and your sufferings too (if you told them to me or wrote them in your blogs), I'm just reliving my troubles again. Sorry about that.
Blessings guys.
Since the beginning of this year, I have been fighting to remain alone. EXfiance keeps texting and calling (only calls occasionally) asking me how "we" can "fix" us. I tell him time and time again that "we" do not get to get "fixed" anymore. I tried fixing us when we were still a thing and he didn't think that was important because he didn't think I would actually walk away. Well, buddy, too bad for you that I'm stronger than you thought I was.
He told me he's gonna go get counseling because I've been pestering him about getting counseling for a long time now. We'll see if he actually goes consistently, or if this is another lie. Regardless, I'm not getting back together with him. I'm sick of getting dragged through mud, tar, broken glass, gravel, and a whole host of bacteria just to be left on the side of the road naked and mostly dead (metaphorically).
My job ended on Christmas. My relationship ended a couple days before that. 2016 was a year to start clean. I'm not doing typical New Year's resolutions, I'm just working to help myself right now.
I started exercising with Bikini Body Mommy again, but only lasted two days.
I have gained 10-15 lbs since the break-up.
However, on a very positive note, I got an appointment to start counseling again. This time I am going through an organization that specializes in domestic abuse (I don't think this applies to me) and rape (this part does apply to me). I talked with my counselor today and she told me the first day involves paperwork for about 30 minutes and then we go right into a session. I'm hoping it doesn't take three sessions of babbling to get me to a point where we are actually working on anything.
I find myself wishing the L-rd would punish these guys for what they did. Damn, if that means it was my fault then punish me. But if it wasn't me, then I want them to understand that what they did was wrong. I don't believe in karma or in seeking revenge. The Bible, however, says that G-d deals justly and gives good to those who are good and bad to those who are bad. I've gotten a lot of bad being with the not-so-good guys in my life. Things are starting to get better but it's taking a lot of time.
Mostly, I want to know that not pressing charges was an okay thing to do. I need to know that if I happened to get up in front of a jury and they heard my side and the guys' sides, that the jury would let me know that it wasn't my fault. I also want apologies.
I want them, the guys, to tell me that they're sorry for what happened. Not sorry that I broke up with them or got mad. No, sorry that I have to deal with the nightmares, panic attacks, pieces of my family that they left behind, the knowledge that I will never get to go to my marriage bed pure. Most of all, I want them to understand how hard it is to live with the fact that these fuckers couldn't keep their dicks to themselves and caused this much damage to the point where I don't want to live anymore. I want them to understand that. It's not just an "oops my penis entered your body, my bad" kind of a situation. This is a, "you couldn't control yourself or see past your own desires at one point in time and now I want to die" kind of a situation. I want them to understand that what may seem like a little mistake to them is something that causes so much pain in others. I bear the brunt of it, but now my mom, brother, and a few friends have to share in the knowledge that a very sweet girl was stupid enough to have this done to her twice.
I know that multiple rapes are not very scarce. I am not saying other girls are stupid for getting raped twice. I'm saying that I feel stupid for allowing it to happen twice to me because I could have prevented it.
I want to know that the L-rd has better things in store and that He says that I'm clean. I want my memories of these two guys erased and the pain to be no more. I want to not have to live this life anymore.
I'm so very tired.
If you guys remember, I met Exboyfriend last year on New Year's Day right around 2 a.m. at a New Year's Eve dance. Funny to think that so much shit has happened to one person in a year. Other people go through more, but it's just something I watch from the sidelines. It's something else entirely to go through this personally.
So, for all of you starting new years out there, I know I'm a little late but I hope you guys have a good 2016. I pray that you guys have healthy years, full of love and laughter. I want you guys to find joy in your every day life and have some fun with those you love. Make time for friends and family. If you don't feel good, take a few days to rest and get yourself better. Keep up on you so that the rest of us can enjoy time with you when you're feeling better. Many of you have struggled with health issues, personal problems, and a whole host of troubles this last year; I'm right there with you. Don't think I don't remember you guys and your sufferings too (if you told them to me or wrote them in your blogs), I'm just reliving my troubles again. Sorry about that.
Blessings guys.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Life Lessons Learned
I was reading my devotions and praying the other night, when the L-rd gave me an epiphany: closed doors, missed chances, failed relationships, opportunities that go awry, and all the other things that don't go our way in life are actually the L-rd guiding us. Through these things, He also shows us how bad a situation could be so that we learn from that, then He typically gives us what He had planned for us all along. By letting us see the bad before giving us good, He lets us understand why we need to be grateful for all that happens to us.
Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my brother until I had finished 4th grade and he had finished 3rd in a very small, 2-bedroom apartment. My mom used to pray with us on the way to school each day and ask the L-rd that He would keep our family from becoming complacent and taking our blessings for granted. We lived in an apartment while both of my parents worked several jobs so that they could send us to a Christian school and pay our tuition. We ended up moving into a house where my brother and I got our own rooms and then we had to go to a public school. That made me appreciate the house much more and being blessed to be able to go to a Christian school for several years. Thank you L-rd for these things!
At the beginning of this last summer, my old roommate told me she didn't want to live with me, but gave me no explanation and didn't talk to me while I was in another state with Mema. So, I scrambled, looking for an apartment on short notice. I was used to paying about $700-$750 a month for my rent and bills. I texted my current roommate and she offered to let me live with her and she told me she was freaking out about finding someone but that I texted and asked about it at the exact perfect time. After praying about wanting to pay about $500, she asked how much I was willing to pay. I told her about $700 was typical for me so I could do the $700. She came back and said she could only afford $500 and her parents were okay with both of us paying that little while they picked up the rest of the bills! Oh my gosh! So, even though I had a huge falling out with ex-roommate and her family, the L-rd blessed me and showed me that they are not company that I should have been keeping anyway. This falling out happened just after I broke up with EXboyfriend because he had raped me... so it's way better this way. That is only visible in hindsight though, I was devastated at the time!
I had a NICU job opportunity as a CNA awhile ago and my initial plans didn't match up with their needs so they passed on me, but then my plans changed to something that would have totally worked out for them. However, it was too late by that point. Shortly after that, I got my job as a CNA in the float pool. G-d allowed me to see real-life what we were learning about in class each time I went to work and allowed me to get better grades and a better understanding by these hands-on experiences. I also got to meet so many nurses on each floor and I feel like the most popular person when I show up to work because I have so many people stopping me and saying high to me at school, clinicals, and at work because of this job. I love it!
My relationships ending have shown me that I am worth much more than what I typically settle for with people. I pray that the L-rd has someone for me who is sweet, patient, forgiving, able to be a voice of reason for me, and able to handle my many hypomanic and depressive cycles... That's the true test. He needs to be accepted by my family and friends and not push my boundaries like every guy has tried to before.
Here's to hoping for and expecting the L-rd to work absolutely incredible miracles in my life after I ran myself deep into the ground with too many mistakes to count and too much brokenness to measure. Here's to thanking the L-rd for Divine Interventions in my life, even when things seem to be going well, because He can see past people's fake facades and their attempts at manipulating me. Praise the L-rd for keeping me!
What are you grateful for? What things in your life have not ended up how you wanted/expected, only for the L-rd to show you something so much better? What are you asking Him for today? More importantly, what are you thanking Him for?
Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my brother until I had finished 4th grade and he had finished 3rd in a very small, 2-bedroom apartment. My mom used to pray with us on the way to school each day and ask the L-rd that He would keep our family from becoming complacent and taking our blessings for granted. We lived in an apartment while both of my parents worked several jobs so that they could send us to a Christian school and pay our tuition. We ended up moving into a house where my brother and I got our own rooms and then we had to go to a public school. That made me appreciate the house much more and being blessed to be able to go to a Christian school for several years. Thank you L-rd for these things!
At the beginning of this last summer, my old roommate told me she didn't want to live with me, but gave me no explanation and didn't talk to me while I was in another state with Mema. So, I scrambled, looking for an apartment on short notice. I was used to paying about $700-$750 a month for my rent and bills. I texted my current roommate and she offered to let me live with her and she told me she was freaking out about finding someone but that I texted and asked about it at the exact perfect time. After praying about wanting to pay about $500, she asked how much I was willing to pay. I told her about $700 was typical for me so I could do the $700. She came back and said she could only afford $500 and her parents were okay with both of us paying that little while they picked up the rest of the bills! Oh my gosh! So, even though I had a huge falling out with ex-roommate and her family, the L-rd blessed me and showed me that they are not company that I should have been keeping anyway. This falling out happened just after I broke up with EXboyfriend because he had raped me... so it's way better this way. That is only visible in hindsight though, I was devastated at the time!
I had a NICU job opportunity as a CNA awhile ago and my initial plans didn't match up with their needs so they passed on me, but then my plans changed to something that would have totally worked out for them. However, it was too late by that point. Shortly after that, I got my job as a CNA in the float pool. G-d allowed me to see real-life what we were learning about in class each time I went to work and allowed me to get better grades and a better understanding by these hands-on experiences. I also got to meet so many nurses on each floor and I feel like the most popular person when I show up to work because I have so many people stopping me and saying high to me at school, clinicals, and at work because of this job. I love it!
My relationships ending have shown me that I am worth much more than what I typically settle for with people. I pray that the L-rd has someone for me who is sweet, patient, forgiving, able to be a voice of reason for me, and able to handle my many hypomanic and depressive cycles... That's the true test. He needs to be accepted by my family and friends and not push my boundaries like every guy has tried to before.
Here's to hoping for and expecting the L-rd to work absolutely incredible miracles in my life after I ran myself deep into the ground with too many mistakes to count and too much brokenness to measure. Here's to thanking the L-rd for Divine Interventions in my life, even when things seem to be going well, because He can see past people's fake facades and their attempts at manipulating me. Praise the L-rd for keeping me!
What are you grateful for? What things in your life have not ended up how you wanted/expected, only for the L-rd to show you something so much better? What are you asking Him for today? More importantly, what are you thanking Him for?
Worst Part About Break-ups
Seeing as this is the second official break-up I've had from a guy, kinda my third (if you count the kid I "dated" for three weeks by avoiding him the entire time). However, the worst parts about a break-up for me are 1) missing the guy's family, 2) having so much left unsaid and so many questions unanswered, 3) missing the guy's company, and 4) being angry about what they did/didn't do. Now, they are all fairly equal in my brain, but I go through cycles where each one seems more prominent at any given time.
1) I miss their families terribly. Trial-run's mom loved me. Country Boy's mom (even though we didn't date) loved me. Exboyfriend's whole entire immediate and extended family loved me. Exfiance's mom absolutely adored me and even took me shopping. Unfortunately for me, I loved all of these people too! Breaking up with the guy automatically breaks me off from being loved by their families, but I almost miss their families more than I miss the guy because I felt so wanted and accepted into another person's life. Their families thought I was good for the guys and their families typically hadn't liked other girls they had brought home and so they were somehow surprised that they liked me when I was brought around. I miss that and the relationships I had developed with the family members. I loved that when the guy and I were fake arguing in front of them, the family members usually took my side. Haha, they were all jokes, but some of the fake arguments had roots in discussions where I had supported my side and the guy didn't understand until his family took my side.
2) This is the worst. Since Country Boy died, I obviously have so much left unsaid to him.
When I broke up with Exboyfriend, I only told him that what he did was not okay. I wish I could have told him that what he did was rape and that he absolutely needs to not do that to anyone else. I wish I could let him know how badly I'm messed up because of that, but I don't want to mess him up or make him feel guilty. I'm scared that could lead to another suicide like Country Boy.
With Exfiance, I have been terrible. I have been yelling at him over text and questioning everything. He told me the other day that he was sick and tired of me questioning what he's told me. I apologized for taking my anger out on him and being a bitch. It's not like I was harassing him, but he would text me and that would always end up with me picking a fight because I'm ridiculously angry at him for lying to me and hurting me for so long. I'm mad at myself for believing and defending him.
The other night, when I was up at 0200 the night before my class because I can't sleep lately, I wrote a text and decided not to send it because I didn't want to hurt him more than I have. I don't believe in revenge or hurting people just because they hurt me. However, since I couldn't tell him, I figured I would put it here so that I get it out. So, here it is: "I hate that I no longer get to be around your mom or your family in *other state* because I absolutely loved them. I hate that I have to get over the fact that the future I built in my head with you was all bullshit and will never happen. It makes me angry that I can't stop myself from wanting to talk to you, even though our relationship was based on lies and it wasn't ever really a healthy relationship by an means. I hate that my siled treatment doesn't last more than a few hours or a day with you. I hate that I haven't been able to sleep in days, even though I need to so that I can maybe escapre the constant noise and self-doubt in my head. I'm so angry at you and I hate that you made me cry. But, sometimes I hate that I can't cry because I'm out of tears and my heart moved on a long time ago. I hate that I'm so angry and that as soon as I had started feeling better from him (exboyfriend) and started trusting you, you found me and now I'm even worse than I was before. I hate yelling at you but I feel like I need to tell you these things. I hate having flashbacks of you, and him (exbf), and Country Boy every single stupid day. Several times an hour, in fact. I hate that I feel like there's nothing else for me to live for because I am completely convinced that I will never be happy, or be able to escape what has happened, for the rest of my life."
I know, I sound like such a bitch! That's why I didn't send it. This would have caused so much pain and damage to him. So, I never sent the text and I never will.
3) I miss their company. I miss all of them. Country Boy died way too early and he made me angry, but that was not reason for him to take his life and I still feel like it was at least partially my fault that he killed himself. Trial-run guy was my best friend for most of freshman year and a good chunk of sophomore year, but we don't talk much anymore and I miss his friendship and the way he would laugh at what I thought was funny, even if they were icky nursing stories or stiff he didn't understand. I miss exboyfriend for his calm demeanor and the way he showed me off to his friends and he was so proud to dance with me. I also miss the small-town life I got with him. I miss exfiance for the way we texted and called each other frequently. I would tell all of them about my day and what I was excited or upset about. I miss that sharing and having someone to talk to. I miss looking forward to hanging out with any of them and feeling special when we had a date planned. If only the best of each of them could be synthesized into one guy, I think we could work. That's unrealistic though.
4) Despite the good, I'm still angry with each of them. I'm angry with them for expecting sex from me. I hate that it was so easy for them to push me aside when they didn't "feel" like being with me or they found something more fun to do on a day we had plans. I'm angry at Country Boy for killing himself. I'm angry at my actual two boyfriends for abusing and assaulting me. I hate that they all made me love them for different reasons and then pushed me away slowly but surely and then they blame me for the break up.
I hate that I miss them. I strongly dislike that this is my history and the life I have to deal with. I hate that regardless of what happens in this life, I know that someone else has it worse. That makes me feel shallow, insignificant, and weak. I despise feeling that I'm not good enough. It breaks my heart daily that I still love all of them, even though I have been terribly hurt. I don't understand why I remain alive and keep waking up each morning. Why are break-ups so incredibly difficult? Why is this the path I walk? I'm terrified that I am the one to blame for all of my problems.
Still, I know the L-rd provides and cares for me.
This is the biggest mystery to me of all.
1) I miss their families terribly. Trial-run's mom loved me. Country Boy's mom (even though we didn't date) loved me. Exboyfriend's whole entire immediate and extended family loved me. Exfiance's mom absolutely adored me and even took me shopping. Unfortunately for me, I loved all of these people too! Breaking up with the guy automatically breaks me off from being loved by their families, but I almost miss their families more than I miss the guy because I felt so wanted and accepted into another person's life. Their families thought I was good for the guys and their families typically hadn't liked other girls they had brought home and so they were somehow surprised that they liked me when I was brought around. I miss that and the relationships I had developed with the family members. I loved that when the guy and I were fake arguing in front of them, the family members usually took my side. Haha, they were all jokes, but some of the fake arguments had roots in discussions where I had supported my side and the guy didn't understand until his family took my side.
2) This is the worst. Since Country Boy died, I obviously have so much left unsaid to him.
When I broke up with Exboyfriend, I only told him that what he did was not okay. I wish I could have told him that what he did was rape and that he absolutely needs to not do that to anyone else. I wish I could let him know how badly I'm messed up because of that, but I don't want to mess him up or make him feel guilty. I'm scared that could lead to another suicide like Country Boy.
With Exfiance, I have been terrible. I have been yelling at him over text and questioning everything. He told me the other day that he was sick and tired of me questioning what he's told me. I apologized for taking my anger out on him and being a bitch. It's not like I was harassing him, but he would text me and that would always end up with me picking a fight because I'm ridiculously angry at him for lying to me and hurting me for so long. I'm mad at myself for believing and defending him.
The other night, when I was up at 0200 the night before my class because I can't sleep lately, I wrote a text and decided not to send it because I didn't want to hurt him more than I have. I don't believe in revenge or hurting people just because they hurt me. However, since I couldn't tell him, I figured I would put it here so that I get it out. So, here it is: "I hate that I no longer get to be around your mom or your family in *other state* because I absolutely loved them. I hate that I have to get over the fact that the future I built in my head with you was all bullshit and will never happen. It makes me angry that I can't stop myself from wanting to talk to you, even though our relationship was based on lies and it wasn't ever really a healthy relationship by an means. I hate that my siled treatment doesn't last more than a few hours or a day with you. I hate that I haven't been able to sleep in days, even though I need to so that I can maybe escapre the constant noise and self-doubt in my head. I'm so angry at you and I hate that you made me cry. But, sometimes I hate that I can't cry because I'm out of tears and my heart moved on a long time ago. I hate that I'm so angry and that as soon as I had started feeling better from him (exboyfriend) and started trusting you, you found me and now I'm even worse than I was before. I hate yelling at you but I feel like I need to tell you these things. I hate having flashbacks of you, and him (exbf), and Country Boy every single stupid day. Several times an hour, in fact. I hate that I feel like there's nothing else for me to live for because I am completely convinced that I will never be happy, or be able to escape what has happened, for the rest of my life."
I know, I sound like such a bitch! That's why I didn't send it. This would have caused so much pain and damage to him. So, I never sent the text and I never will.
3) I miss their company. I miss all of them. Country Boy died way too early and he made me angry, but that was not reason for him to take his life and I still feel like it was at least partially my fault that he killed himself. Trial-run guy was my best friend for most of freshman year and a good chunk of sophomore year, but we don't talk much anymore and I miss his friendship and the way he would laugh at what I thought was funny, even if they were icky nursing stories or stiff he didn't understand. I miss exboyfriend for his calm demeanor and the way he showed me off to his friends and he was so proud to dance with me. I also miss the small-town life I got with him. I miss exfiance for the way we texted and called each other frequently. I would tell all of them about my day and what I was excited or upset about. I miss that sharing and having someone to talk to. I miss looking forward to hanging out with any of them and feeling special when we had a date planned. If only the best of each of them could be synthesized into one guy, I think we could work. That's unrealistic though.
4) Despite the good, I'm still angry with each of them. I'm angry with them for expecting sex from me. I hate that it was so easy for them to push me aside when they didn't "feel" like being with me or they found something more fun to do on a day we had plans. I'm angry at Country Boy for killing himself. I'm angry at my actual two boyfriends for abusing and assaulting me. I hate that they all made me love them for different reasons and then pushed me away slowly but surely and then they blame me for the break up.
I hate that I miss them. I strongly dislike that this is my history and the life I have to deal with. I hate that regardless of what happens in this life, I know that someone else has it worse. That makes me feel shallow, insignificant, and weak. I despise feeling that I'm not good enough. It breaks my heart daily that I still love all of them, even though I have been terribly hurt. I don't understand why I remain alive and keep waking up each morning. Why are break-ups so incredibly difficult? Why is this the path I walk? I'm terrified that I am the one to blame for all of my problems.
Still, I know the L-rd provides and cares for me.
This is the biggest mystery to me of all.
Monday, January 4, 2016
I'm Over It, So It's Over
*****Warning: improper language and graphic stories follow. Proceed with caution!*****
I broke up with fiance... again.
Yes, we did just get "engaged" for the third(?) time, and he just had a birthday. However, when you are over it, you are over it. I, if you haven't guessed, am over it. But wait! It gets better.
For months now I have been probing fiance about different subjects. Some stuff he will give straight answers to, some he will not. In fact, most of his past remains in the dark for me because he won't talk to me about it. He says it brings back bad memories. Well, no shit. For a lot of people, the past brings up bad memories, but the fact that you told me your wife died on date #2 and you refuse more and more to talk about her anymore is worrisome. Plus, I think you're lying about her being dead. I think you just had a tough break up and that was it. I don't believe she is actually dead because your story keeps changing and I found a girl on Facebook with her same fucking name and she is still posting as of New Year's Eve, but she was supposed to have died in 2013. Ya, okay buddy.
I broke up with him the day after his real birthday and a few days after his birthday dinner/public proposal (a.k.a. proposal #3). This also happened to be the day before Exboyfriend's birthday and a few days before Christmas. So, he was having a shitty Christmas week.
Despite having broken up with him then, we talked nearly every day through texting and also calls to each other each night or every other night. I didn't want this, but he keeps going on an on about how he can't live without me. Bullshit.
He ended up spending New Year's Eve with me, then New Year's Day and the night after. 2 nights and about 2.5 days together. We were doing well. He took me out to eat and he actually talked to me instead of being on his phone like he normally had been while we had been dating. He was being sweeter. But as New Year's Eve night went on, he went from not kissing me (as I had requested) and keeping his hands to designated "safe" areas on my body, to kissing me whenever the hell he felt like it and allowing his hands to wander again. In mere fucking hours people!
He keeps telling me he's changed and that he's trying to keep me happy, but it's all bullshit. There's no frickin' way he's actually changing because he reverts back to not respecting me nor my body within minutes of seeing me in person. He tells me it's just because I turn him on and then he's not responsible for his actions. So what? I'm supposed to live with being continually raped and assaulted for the rest of my fucking life? HELL NO! I will not be treated that way.
While he was over, he told me we "had sex 14 times". Funny thing is, I don't recall consenting to those. A few of the times he coerced me and yelled at me until I gave in. The rest of the times he took off my pants, even though I told him no repeatedly, then he played with himself and played with me and then he would get on top saying he wouldn't go in. Then he would proceed to invade me body because he "couldn't control himself". Alright fucker, maybe I can't control my fingers calling the fucking police and getting you arrested. Oops, wouldn't that be a shame?
I've tried to break up with him 4 times now. The first time he yelled at me and asked if that was really what I wanted, especially after he had just handed over $9000 for an engagement ring. The second time was when I asked for a break and he said that means breaking up but then we agreed to not speak for about a month or two and then he broke that within about 6 hours. The next time, we broke up, we still talked and he went out drinking three nights in a row. Typically driving to my place to "talk" after he was black out drunk and definitely not in a safe mental capacity to be driving. Then we got back together on day 3-4 with him promising to be better and work on us. This time, I'm fucking over it.
You know what he told me yesterday? The first ring was fake. I had called him out on it the first time I tried to break up with him. I told him it had CZ stamped on the inside (for cubic zirconium, which is a fake diamond). He told me that the guy at the jewelry store must have lied to him then because he had paid $9000. I asked where he got it from and he told me a jewelry store downtown next to 7-11 (gas station). Curious, I called around asking if anyone had sold to fiance. None of them had. Red flag! However, I ignored it and didn't press the matter further with fiance so as to not piss him off. That ring was then stolen when he was up at work, but he didn't seem too upset about it. He had it in his truck because he was going to get it resized, so he said. He had had my ring for about 4-5 months though, saying the whole time he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Whatever.
When he proposed at his birthday dinner, however, it was with a different ring. This time, he made a point to keep it in a box with the name of the jewelry store's name on it and showed me the online ad for it. Yesterday, after I asked him what the real deal with the different rings were, he finally told me the truth. Apparently he wanted to marry me right away because he supposedly loved me so much then. However, he found a ring for $9000 and couldn't afford it right then. So, he went to fucking Walmart and bought a $200 fake ring in hopes that he could trade it out for a real one once he got the money to afford the one he wanted to get me. He said I "deserve the biggest rock in the world but he didn't have the money at the time and he didn't think I would notice." Well asshole, date someone dumber than me then! Unfortunately for you, I am significantly smarter than I look and I pay attention to details.
I yelled at him for nearly 20 minutes last night telling him that he should have been honest about everything upfront, he should have saved money to buy me a decent ring instead of half-assing it and getting me a fake one while he throws thousands down to buy himself a new truck and all the trimmings to make it look cool. I also yelled at him for manipulating me with that fake fucking ring telling me it cost thousands of dollars when it absolutely didn't, then he brought that up when we fought after the first break-up attempt. He manipulated me the entire 8 months and I'm letting him have it now. I'm no longer holding back because I have been shaken and devastated by the way he just walked all over me, ruined me, took advantage of me and used my body however he wanted to. I'm angry that I didn't have the strength to walk away the first time I wanted to because then it would have only been a couple of time of abuse/assault/rape instead of now 14 or more times.
Wow, I'm such an idiot. I knew that something as wrong, but I was bound and determined to give him a chance and try to make it work because I believed the best in him. All that did for me is run me into the ground, get me taken advantage of so many times I can't recall the last 8 months because I have blocked them from memory, and it ruined my plans of any kind of a happy life. Because of him and Exboyfriend, I have no desire to date, get married, or have children because nothing good has ever come from dating for me. Plus, I have seen nothing good come out of marriage in any of the relationships I am around.
I have a theory that the assholes (male or female) of the world have detectors and find the decent, or even wonderful, people of the world and they decide to take over the good people and enslave them in marriage. This burns out many of the good people and make the assholes look and feel like there is little to nothing wrong with them because they found love so they must be a catch. Now, is this true for everyone? Not likely. Am I jaded and cynical and ridiculously pissed off? Absolutely. Right now, life is the hardest it's been for me probably ever.
I had dreams of finding a guy, dating without kissing. Getting married and going into my marriage as a virgin. I had dreams of having children. Being a nurse while also raising children at home. Then proceeding on to a very happy life. All of my plans were destroyed in an instant. Exboyfriend and Exfiance both got kisses from me. Both attempted to steal my virginity and I think they have. I do not want to get married. I definitely don't want children because I'm terrified that what happened to me will happen to them. I see no happiness in the foreseeable future for me. Yes, G-d knows what will happen in my life, but if I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want someone who was so stupid as to fall into getting raped by two guys. Not only that, the first guy raped me twice in a weekend because I was too dumb to leave when I had originally wanted to. Then the second guy raped me too many times to count and I just stayed with him hoping that he actually loved me and we would eventually work it out. I am a complete fucking moron and should not be desired by anyone. I have been ruined and crushed beyond human repair. If the L-rd repairs me, it's going to damn near require an entirely new inner me, a whole new body, and a complete memory wipe.
I'm so over it. I have never been so angry at myself or anyone else in my life. I told him to stop talking to me for at least a month, but I'm fixing to block his number and block him on Facebook so that he won't be able to reach me ever again. If I need to, I'm about ready to get a fucking restraining order if I ever see him show up at my house.
Best thing yet, I have dealt with all of these things on my own for months because my friends and family have been pushed away by him and I was too stupid to see that. So, now I'm completely on my own and so very angry.
In the midst of my anger last night, about 20 minutes after fiance confessed about the stupid ring lies he told me, I heard a whisper in my heart to forgive. I got a few moments of peace after that, but I couldn't sleep last night and my anger has returned fresh this morning and stuck around me all day. I don't know how I'll survive this.
I broke up with fiance... again.
Yes, we did just get "engaged" for the third(?) time, and he just had a birthday. However, when you are over it, you are over it. I, if you haven't guessed, am over it. But wait! It gets better.
For months now I have been probing fiance about different subjects. Some stuff he will give straight answers to, some he will not. In fact, most of his past remains in the dark for me because he won't talk to me about it. He says it brings back bad memories. Well, no shit. For a lot of people, the past brings up bad memories, but the fact that you told me your wife died on date #2 and you refuse more and more to talk about her anymore is worrisome. Plus, I think you're lying about her being dead. I think you just had a tough break up and that was it. I don't believe she is actually dead because your story keeps changing and I found a girl on Facebook with her same fucking name and she is still posting as of New Year's Eve, but she was supposed to have died in 2013. Ya, okay buddy.
I broke up with him the day after his real birthday and a few days after his birthday dinner/public proposal (a.k.a. proposal #3). This also happened to be the day before Exboyfriend's birthday and a few days before Christmas. So, he was having a shitty Christmas week.
Despite having broken up with him then, we talked nearly every day through texting and also calls to each other each night or every other night. I didn't want this, but he keeps going on an on about how he can't live without me. Bullshit.
He ended up spending New Year's Eve with me, then New Year's Day and the night after. 2 nights and about 2.5 days together. We were doing well. He took me out to eat and he actually talked to me instead of being on his phone like he normally had been while we had been dating. He was being sweeter. But as New Year's Eve night went on, he went from not kissing me (as I had requested) and keeping his hands to designated "safe" areas on my body, to kissing me whenever the hell he felt like it and allowing his hands to wander again. In mere fucking hours people!
He keeps telling me he's changed and that he's trying to keep me happy, but it's all bullshit. There's no frickin' way he's actually changing because he reverts back to not respecting me nor my body within minutes of seeing me in person. He tells me it's just because I turn him on and then he's not responsible for his actions. So what? I'm supposed to live with being continually raped and assaulted for the rest of my fucking life? HELL NO! I will not be treated that way.
While he was over, he told me we "had sex 14 times". Funny thing is, I don't recall consenting to those. A few of the times he coerced me and yelled at me until I gave in. The rest of the times he took off my pants, even though I told him no repeatedly, then he played with himself and played with me and then he would get on top saying he wouldn't go in. Then he would proceed to invade me body because he "couldn't control himself". Alright fucker, maybe I can't control my fingers calling the fucking police and getting you arrested. Oops, wouldn't that be a shame?
I've tried to break up with him 4 times now. The first time he yelled at me and asked if that was really what I wanted, especially after he had just handed over $9000 for an engagement ring. The second time was when I asked for a break and he said that means breaking up but then we agreed to not speak for about a month or two and then he broke that within about 6 hours. The next time, we broke up, we still talked and he went out drinking three nights in a row. Typically driving to my place to "talk" after he was black out drunk and definitely not in a safe mental capacity to be driving. Then we got back together on day 3-4 with him promising to be better and work on us. This time, I'm fucking over it.
You know what he told me yesterday? The first ring was fake. I had called him out on it the first time I tried to break up with him. I told him it had CZ stamped on the inside (for cubic zirconium, which is a fake diamond). He told me that the guy at the jewelry store must have lied to him then because he had paid $9000. I asked where he got it from and he told me a jewelry store downtown next to 7-11 (gas station). Curious, I called around asking if anyone had sold to fiance. None of them had. Red flag! However, I ignored it and didn't press the matter further with fiance so as to not piss him off. That ring was then stolen when he was up at work, but he didn't seem too upset about it. He had it in his truck because he was going to get it resized, so he said. He had had my ring for about 4-5 months though, saying the whole time he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Whatever.
When he proposed at his birthday dinner, however, it was with a different ring. This time, he made a point to keep it in a box with the name of the jewelry store's name on it and showed me the online ad for it. Yesterday, after I asked him what the real deal with the different rings were, he finally told me the truth. Apparently he wanted to marry me right away because he supposedly loved me so much then. However, he found a ring for $9000 and couldn't afford it right then. So, he went to fucking Walmart and bought a $200 fake ring in hopes that he could trade it out for a real one once he got the money to afford the one he wanted to get me. He said I "deserve the biggest rock in the world but he didn't have the money at the time and he didn't think I would notice." Well asshole, date someone dumber than me then! Unfortunately for you, I am significantly smarter than I look and I pay attention to details.
I yelled at him for nearly 20 minutes last night telling him that he should have been honest about everything upfront, he should have saved money to buy me a decent ring instead of half-assing it and getting me a fake one while he throws thousands down to buy himself a new truck and all the trimmings to make it look cool. I also yelled at him for manipulating me with that fake fucking ring telling me it cost thousands of dollars when it absolutely didn't, then he brought that up when we fought after the first break-up attempt. He manipulated me the entire 8 months and I'm letting him have it now. I'm no longer holding back because I have been shaken and devastated by the way he just walked all over me, ruined me, took advantage of me and used my body however he wanted to. I'm angry that I didn't have the strength to walk away the first time I wanted to because then it would have only been a couple of time of abuse/assault/rape instead of now 14 or more times.
Wow, I'm such an idiot. I knew that something as wrong, but I was bound and determined to give him a chance and try to make it work because I believed the best in him. All that did for me is run me into the ground, get me taken advantage of so many times I can't recall the last 8 months because I have blocked them from memory, and it ruined my plans of any kind of a happy life. Because of him and Exboyfriend, I have no desire to date, get married, or have children because nothing good has ever come from dating for me. Plus, I have seen nothing good come out of marriage in any of the relationships I am around.
I have a theory that the assholes (male or female) of the world have detectors and find the decent, or even wonderful, people of the world and they decide to take over the good people and enslave them in marriage. This burns out many of the good people and make the assholes look and feel like there is little to nothing wrong with them because they found love so they must be a catch. Now, is this true for everyone? Not likely. Am I jaded and cynical and ridiculously pissed off? Absolutely. Right now, life is the hardest it's been for me probably ever.
I had dreams of finding a guy, dating without kissing. Getting married and going into my marriage as a virgin. I had dreams of having children. Being a nurse while also raising children at home. Then proceeding on to a very happy life. All of my plans were destroyed in an instant. Exboyfriend and Exfiance both got kisses from me. Both attempted to steal my virginity and I think they have. I do not want to get married. I definitely don't want children because I'm terrified that what happened to me will happen to them. I see no happiness in the foreseeable future for me. Yes, G-d knows what will happen in my life, but if I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want someone who was so stupid as to fall into getting raped by two guys. Not only that, the first guy raped me twice in a weekend because I was too dumb to leave when I had originally wanted to. Then the second guy raped me too many times to count and I just stayed with him hoping that he actually loved me and we would eventually work it out. I am a complete fucking moron and should not be desired by anyone. I have been ruined and crushed beyond human repair. If the L-rd repairs me, it's going to damn near require an entirely new inner me, a whole new body, and a complete memory wipe.
I'm so over it. I have never been so angry at myself or anyone else in my life. I told him to stop talking to me for at least a month, but I'm fixing to block his number and block him on Facebook so that he won't be able to reach me ever again. If I need to, I'm about ready to get a fucking restraining order if I ever see him show up at my house.
Best thing yet, I have dealt with all of these things on my own for months because my friends and family have been pushed away by him and I was too stupid to see that. So, now I'm completely on my own and so very angry.
In the midst of my anger last night, about 20 minutes after fiance confessed about the stupid ring lies he told me, I heard a whisper in my heart to forgive. I got a few moments of peace after that, but I couldn't sleep last night and my anger has returned fresh this morning and stuck around me all day. I don't know how I'll survive this.
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