Panic Ensues

He texted me again.

It showed up today. He says his friend got killed last night and I'm the only one that understands him.

I am stuck between wondering if it happened and thinking that he's just full of shit like he's been this whole time.

Regardless, it's not my problem. Maybe if you want support and friends to be able to talk to about stuff like this, then maybe don't be a complete and total asshole. I mean, that's just a suggestion, but what do I know?

He had told me several times throughout the relationship that a friend had died. Good gracious, at that pace there should be nobody alive anywhere on Earth at this point!

Maybe he really does have friends dying all of the time. Mostly, I think he's trying to get me to be sympathetic and fall back into his poisonous tentacles.

His number is still blocked so the text didn't come through until I went searching for it.

My heart is still filled with panic. My stomach was instantly queasy. My hands are sweaty and I feel flushed all over. This is the sympathetic nervous response kicking in. I am in panic. I know I shouldn't be, but sometimes anxiety comes with no rational explanation for it's presence.

Deep breaths. Continue on about my day. Load my gun...

Flattered and Confused

A lot happened at the karaoke place yesterday. I told you about our conversation between Roomie, Millie, and I, but other things happened too!

I got dressed up, I'm feeling a little chubby because my jeans are tighter and I've gained about 10-15 pounds in the past couple of months. At least I'm eating. Still, I was feeling good in my cute outfit and I did my make-up really well.

When we were there, guys kept looking at me. I didn't think much of it because they are probably staring at the friends I am with or someone near me.

At one point, a guy near me started talking to me and asked if I would sing a duet with him because I looked like Sandra D. from Grease.

Haha, I look nothing like Sandra D. She has blonde hair, blue eyes, and is very petite. Meanwhile, I have dark brown hair, grey to brown eyes, I'm 5'8", and I am not petite at all! Maybe this kid was high? I respectfully declined, he kept asking and I told him no then walked away with my friends.

About 15 minutes later, my friends and I went back near where they were and we found the only open seats available. I got up to use the bathroom and he and his friends were on my way to the bathroom. So, when I stood up, he had been talking to his friends. He proceeded to stand up straighter, then rotate while pointing at me and continuing to talk with his friends. He was talking about me to them! Why? I don't know.

He asked me again, "Please! Sing a duet with me!?"

Again, I told him "No, thank you" and proceeded to the bathroom. I don't know if he talked to me when I passed him again because I had tunnel vision and was simply working on getting back to my friends.

Though I was frustrated with being asked, I was also very flattered that he would go out on a limb to talk to me because I was looking cute that night. I am glad I didn't stay and talk with him or give him my number because I am not wanting to ever do that again. However, it was a confidence booster.

Am I Back In Middle School?

Last night a couple of my friends and I went to a karaoke place. There were lots of college students and I've been planning events for weeks but nobody ever ends up actually going with me so all of the activities end up getting cancelled at the last minute because everyone back out. Well, okay guys. Whatever.

Just remember, Jersey bitched at me for hours about feeling like she always tried to organize fun activities and then she feels like everyone backs out. Guess who went to most of her activities except for 2-3. That's right... IT WAS ME!!! Also guess who tends to back out of events that I planned about 20 before or after she was already supposed to be meeting me/us somewhere. That's right... HER!!! Y'all are such good guessers!

Regardless, we had people who tried to guilt us into paying for them, but we didn't take the bait. Others had dates and other plans. That's totally okay and I'm glad that they are having fun. We made plans last minute because nobody goes to anything when I try to plan for the future so why put energy into planning? Anyway, out of about a dozen people invited, it ended up still being Roomie and Millie (from a post a few months ago). We had a blast! Well, I did and I think they had fun because we laughed for most of the night.

Over the course of the night, we started comparing notes about some strange events that have been occurring with a few of our friends. It turns out that I'm not the only one having the troubles I am having with the people I am frustrated with. I'm not as crazy as I thought I was!!!

Lots of exclamation points in this post, guys. These things are exciting for me.

Anyway, Roomie, knows the story of my fight with Jersey because she helped me with wording of texts when Jersey was "confronting" me about my "short" responses. She suggested that I ask Jersey to coffee to work things out in person instead of 1) ignoring it (as I tend to do often) or 2) try to work it out over emails or texts because there is such a high chance of having miscommunications and we cannot hear the inflections in each others voices.

I thought about this coffee idea because I am sick of class being uncomfortable and feeling like I am in middle school. However, after thinking it over and talking to Counselor about it, I've come to the conclusion that it would likely not help the situation. Jersey is a person who turns stories to make her seem like the victim. Then, she tells everyone she knows, so that she can get sympathy and hopefully get validated in her frustrations. Yes, I could have handled this whole situation differently. No, I am not upset that I stood up for myself. I'm not even upset I lost a "friend". I am upset, however, that class is uncomfortable and Beauty feels like she is stuck in the middle. I am losing Beauty because Jersey takes every moment of free time Beauty has because she is the only lifeline of a friend that Jersey has at this point.

Long story short, I am not going to go to coffee or reach out to Jersey. I was encouraged to be the "bigger person" but I don't feel like any of these things are going to enhance my quality of life at all.

Jersey has recently had problems with another one of our friends. Now, this friend is one I've had problems with for awhile because I am the first one she calls when she needs help, but I am the last one she talks to if I can do nothing for her. Let's name her... Lady. Now, Lady has been giving many of us snarky comments for awhile. It is difficult to determine if these comments are meant as sarcastic jokes or if she is really trying to be a bitch. Or, maybe she's not trying to be a bitch but it's just happening because nobody calls her out on anything. I don't know, whatever.

Jersey and Lady are in clinicals together and Lady got upset with Jersey because they were waiting in line for supplies and it wasn't moving fast enough. Jersey was behind another student with Lady at the end of the 3 person line. Lady started getting upset that the line was not moving fast enough. Jersey told her that it wouldn't take long and that it'll be okay. Apparently, Lady got more agitated and the two of them ended up exchanging words because Lady wanted to go home and was impatient with anyone standing in the way of that. Why did she need to be home? I have no idea.

Jersey ended up going to Millie at the end of the day and complaining that she was having the same problem with Lady as she was having with me. Millie told her that they were nothing alike because Millie knows the story behind Jersey and I.

Reason #9375 why I know that Jersey believes nothing is her fault and she is the victim of all of life's happenings. It doesn't matter if she goes off on someone first. If someone stands up for themselves against her, then it's an unwarranted attack on her and she deserves none of it.

I didn't go off on Jersey, I simply told her she hurt my feelings, she needs to go talk to Beauty if she is having problems with her instead of taking them out on me, and that I needed space to heal because she really hurt me. That is obviously an unwarranted attack on her and I had no right nor any trigger that could have possibly caused this "attack".

So, as I was sitting with Millie and Roomie last night talking about the shit that keeps happening in our group, and I suddenly felt lighter. I am not the only one having problems. Both of them and Jersey are having problems with Lady. Most people have problems with Jersey and that is why she has no friends and is clinging to Beauty. And I am not the only one who sees these problems!!! Praise the L-rd!



A few nights ago Millie, Lady, and Korie (another one of our friends who is very sweet), were all at my house studying for our test. Roomie has not seen the girls in months because she is in med/surg 4 while we are in Peds/OB, so we are on opposite semesters. That is why we planned to study at our apartment so that all of the girls could see Roomie and Roomie could help us study because she already had the classes we are taking.

Just as I had gotten home and I was waiting for everyone else to show up, I get a text from Lady saying her tire was flat. I called her and asked if she had anyone to help her with it. She said no and that she texted me because I was the only person she knew that knows how to change a flat. She was on campus and I'm certain she could have found someone to help her, but I was tired and my logical reasoning did not want to function. Therefore, I hopped in my car and made the 20 minute drive back to campus to help her. She called me about 5 minutes after I had left my apartment (for the 3rd time that day) and asked where I was. She knows full-well that I live 20 minutes away because she asked how long I thought I would be when I asked if she needed help!

I showed up and her tire wasn't even really flat. To make matters even better, as I got there it started snowing, the sun was gone, and I was grumpy. So, I checked to make sure she had at least some air and she did. I told her to just drive to a gas station and fill it up.

As I was getting back in my car after "discussing" the problem for about 15 minutes because she didn't believe that I didn't need to change her tire, two guys walked by her car, talked to her using her name, and told her she had a flat. For the love of Pete! Her rim was off the ground by a solid 2 inches. It definitely lost air, but it was by no means flat and losing air at the moment. Which means it is not a flat. Also, these guys could have helped her change the stupid thing and they were already on campus!

Whatever. I followed her to the gas station, as she requested, and I taught her how to fill up her tire with air. It was cold, windy, and beginning to snow. I was pissed that I made a useless trip. She continued to argue with me that she didn't have time to go get her tire fixed and she kept questioning if I knew it would be okay. Oh my gosh. If you don't believe what I'm telling you, then don't ask for my help for my advice. It's that simple. You are asking because you don't know the fucking answer. Take my answer or leave it, I don't care. But don't argue with me.

We ended up getting back to my place and everyone else had had to wait for us because they showed up right after I left, but Roomie wasn't home yet to be able to let them in. Everyone was frustrated with me because they had to wait, but they were understanding. I suggested we get something to eat. This was echoed and encouraged by Lady. Everyone, starting with Lady, proceeded to tell me they had no cash but that they would pay for me later. Okay, I can do that. Thinking back, Lady has told me this several times and I have yet to be paid back for a single time she asks for financial help. The other girls typically cover my next meal with them or buy me a drink. Lady does not pay any of us back.

When the rest of the girls had to go, Lady stayed behind for about a half an hour. I thought it was weird, I was still pissed but slightly buzzed from my study drink, and I wanted to go to bed. She kept sticking around, following me, and making small talk. I despise small talk. She ended up asking me a whole bunch of questions to try to get in my business, ending with "what happened between you and exfiance?"

Oh no you didn't! You did not just ask me for personal questions about my past that you have no need to actually know. Everyone knows you are a major gossip mill for the class and you twist stories the second you get a whiff of anything being potentially interesting. Between you and Jersey, we have about 93648549574839375 stories about everyone in the class being started at any one time. Y'all need to stop.

I ended up telling her that we just had a rough break up and that I didn't want to talk about it. She kept trying to pry and I refused to give her anything so she left after about 15 more minutes of trying to pry.

A couple days later, all of us girls were planning to go out. They chose a bar that exfiance loves to go to and I'm sure he goes there frequently just to see if I show up one night. I told them I would go, but if I saw his truck or saw him, that I would leave.

Millie was with Lady and Lady flipped out. She started saying that I was being unreasonable, dramatic, and that I'm ridiculous.

Millie told her that it's totally reasonable for me to warn them about this and that Lady doesn't know my story. Keep in mind, Millie doesn't know my story either, but Millie stands up for me without me even knowing about it. I didn't learn about this little exchange until last night.

Lady continued on that Millie should share my story and Lady said that whe can't help me or understand me if I don't share my story with her.

Millie replied that it was none of their business to know my story and that they need to respect that.

Lady flipped out again!

I am flabbergasted at the strength, kindness, and support that Millie, Beauty, and Roomie show for me that they don't even tell me about. I learned last night that both Millie and Roomie get frustrated when our other friends get frustrated with my weird behaviors since exboyfriend and exfiance. Apparently they've been sticking up for me and telling people off when they start rumors, or begin speaking poorly of me. These girls don't try to pry and they let me come to them with my story and burdens. Then, when I do tell them, THEY KEEP IT A SECRET!!! Because it is not their information to share and they understand how hard it is for me to live with it and also to share it.




So, am I back in middle school or what?

Daily Challenge

I crashed out last night after coming home from clinicals. I was exhausted!

So, I was unable to talk about yesterday's bunch of stuff and tell you my funny story.

Counseling was good. I talked about Jersey and my "difficult" professor. They took up about 10-15 minutes of the session, but I guess it was worth it because I realized some things by discussing it with someone who isn't a friend with Jersey and isn't in class with the professor. Yay! New perspectives!

Counselor says I'm doing well. We're going to start working on rationalizations. She told me that I'm doing really well and working really hard. She likes my college bucket list, Roomie's Thanksgiving List challenge, how I am doing with "friend" struggles, my dealings with the professor, and she told me it's okay to be flip-flopping all the time.

Apparently I go from having rational thoughts to survival mode frequently, and that is because my brain is confused with the PTSD. Survival mode is in the back, in the occipital lobe (from what I remember from anatomy and phys) while logical thought (where I used to live most of the time because I like it) is in the frontal lobe. So, my brain is trying to be normal, but then it decides it doesn't like how I used to be because it's too hard, so then it switches back to survival mode in the back. Meanwhile, I am left with my head spinning, whiplash, and major confusion and frustration at my lack of ability to be who I remember I used to be. C'est la vie, for the time being.

Normally, after counseling, I go to sit at Country Boy's grave. It was so cold yesterday that I stood there for 5 minutes, in my clinical whites because I have clinicals after, and started shivering so I left way early. I told Counselor that I felt it was weird and morbid. She told me it was actually really good because cemeteries are quiet, outside, peaceful, and there are plenty of ways to ground myself with nature, should I feel like I need to. Plus, I get vitamin D with being in the sun. Maybe next week it'll be warm enough to actually be able to sit with him again.

I ended up showing up to the hospital over an hour early. This was a great accident, because one of the other girls from my group was already there. We have a test tomorrow and so we were able to start studying and I learned a lot!!! Maybe I will do okay on this test. I hope so anyway. I just need to be able to stay in my frontal lobe and stop switching back to the occipital lobe for a couple more days so that I can study solidly and remember the information for this class that I need to know for the test and my future career.

Clinicals went well. When we first go there, I asked if I could go change into greens, just so I would be ready if I ended up being able to go to a c-section or something. My instructor said that was okay, so I went with the other girls who were on L&D with me and we went to change. You should know, that I am tall, and I have wide hips. Wide hips are from genetics, and also from a little "extra padding," a.k.a. fat. Plus, I'm 5'8" and mostly legs, with a short (proportionally speaking) torso. When we went in to go get scrubs, the only sizes that were left were extra-small tops and small bottoms along with the 2x and 3x tops and bottoms. Good grief. I spent 10 minutes looking through every pair of bottoms to find a pair that was medium or large. No such findings came about. So, I tried on the 2x and my friends told me no. I tried on the small pants and they were bursting at the seems around my ass and thighs. They also came up about halfway up my calves, WHEN STANDING!

I walked into the pre-conference room with my whole clinical group and I fake-whined to my instructor: "Instructor, I need new pants!!!" They all burst into uncontrollable laughter. Granted, it was hilarious, but regardless of how thick my skin is, some things still hurt. So, when they calmed down a little and my instructor gave me her badge so I could go get scrubs that fit, they burst into laughter as I was walking out. That stung a little bit because I'm self-concious about my butt and thighs. I fit into an x-small top, but my butt needs a medium and my long legs need a large. To have people crack up as I walk out and they can see my butt makes my high anxiety and ability to be easily embarrassed get sent into over-drive. I play a good sport, but that doesn't mean that someone laughing along doesn't get hurt in the end.

So, just the thing I needed on an already difficult day... people laughing. It was funny, I'll give you that. It just made me over-think it for the rest of the day and even still, a day later. Just breathe.

10 Thanksgivings (from yesterday):

1. First test of the week is done and I was able to take it with really smart people (it was a group test).
2. I had great night shift nurses and got to see an ultrasound/fetal echo.
3. Counseling went well.
4. I was able to go to Country Boy's grave site, even if just for a few minutes.
5. I'm finding friends in unlikely situations and places.
6. I started studying and did really well in our version of jeopardy (for the studying).
7. Roomie is helping me on my road to recovery and we are setting goals before they are even assigned for counseling homework!
8. Fake friends are dropping off while solid friends are coming to the surface because the fake friends are wearing them out too.
9. My clinical instructor is absolutely wonderful.
10. I am nearly done with one set of clinicals for the semester and my very last set of clinicals starts in about a week or two.

10 Thanksgivings

Good grief, this is post #4 today, I think. I just have so much in my brain and going on in life that I just can't help it.

Anyway, on the way to school this morning we started talking about how roomie wears a lot of make-up and she keeps forgetting to take it off at night, so she just puts more on in the morning. I challenged her to go 5 days without make-up, but I told her she could have eyeliner and mascara.

Oh man, you would have thought I asked her to sell $10,000,000 worth of drugs in a week! I then told her that if she did that, then she could challenge me to something.

Her challenge was for me to find 5 things each day that I am grateful for. It's kind of related to my self affirmations that are my counseling homework for this week.

I agreed then rattled off 5 things for yesterday.

"That was too easy! You should do 10 each day!" She said.

I replied with, "Fine! Then you have to go 10 days without make-up!"

She agreed because she has no clinicals or class for the next 3 days...

Damn it.

Regardless, I am going to stay good on my promise. So, here are my 10 thanksgiving from today:

1. Our first pediatrics test was a group test and I was put with two very smart people.
2. I finished my homework before my afternoon class because I didn't do it last night.
3. I am so very grateful I have counseling tomorrow.
4. The semester is nearly done and that means school is almost over!
5. My Roomie is spending the night at our apartment tonight. This is good because she's been house-sitting for over a week and it's been lonely and scary here alone.
6. Tomorrow I get the contact information for someone that is going to help me with legal troubles I am having.
7. I was able to "study" today with a few close friends and my Roomie helped us because she already took the course we are currently in.
8. I am grateful for Roomie because she listens to me and helps me when she can.
9. I survived today.
10. I survived my life through 2015 with all of the tragedy and complications of meeting a couple terrible guys.

One to Top Off the Day

Y'all remember Jersey from a few weeks ago? She yelled at me after class and over text for hours because she was mad that I didn't invite her to the mall.

Guess what she's doing?

She is talking to my friends and telling them that I am mad at her for no reason. Hahaha!

So, she told me not to tell anyone what she was telling me. Meanwhile, she is telling everyone half truths about me being angry at her for no reason. Unfortunately for her, my friends know that her story doesn't sound like me. Therefore, they came to me and asked what was going on. I told them the full story. That means things I am not proud of saying AND the general basis of what she said and did. All of a sudden my friends are starting to tell me, "wow, that makes so much more sense! Her story sounds nothing like you!"

No shit!

Believe it or not, I don't act as petty as Jersey says I do. I plan out my reactions carefully so that when someone comes back to me, saying someone else told them I did something mean, I can think back and show them proof that I am not as crazy as the person told them I am.

Too bad for Jersey my friends are actual friends and they are over the middle school shit she is trying to pull.



Please, oh L-rd, don't let anything else happen today. I can't handle one more thing happening today. I am so over it!!!

Professor Troubles

At the beginning of this semester of nursing school, we (students) get schedules for each class. When these schedules are given to us, they are then our life. We have no say in when we are able to then make out lives happen because we are expected to move our life around to fit in with the professor's required schedule. This means cancelling certain life events or dropping the class if the life event is not something you can get out of. It means having to miss other classes on campus just because the nursing schedule is supposed to over-ride our life, regardless of what else is happening.

This year, my nursing school schedule is conflicting majorly with a class that I have that is required in order for me to graduate. Normally, this would be no problem. However, this class has mandatory attendance. If you don't go, you miss A LOT of points. Not cool.

My nursing class is scheduled in the morning while the other class is in the afternoon. I scheduled it this way so that there should be no conflicts. We were not warned that the nursing professor expects us to have the afternoons free after her class because she schedules several things those afternoons. Had I known this, I would have chosen a different class. But, it would be too easy for her to let us know in the scheduling period so that we could avoid making work schedules and school schedules the afternoons she plans stuff for us outside of her allotted times.

This nursing professor has so many bad comments about her from last semesters students (I live with one and talk to many of them) as well as last year's students! They went to the Dean of the nursing school and nothing got done. I am so sick of the nursing school being able to do whatever they want and be as terrible as they want, just because they are all nurses and all feel so victimized by us students. We, as students, do not ask for a lot. All we want is fair treatment and for our lives to not be required to revolve around when the nursing professors want us to come in. There are pre-planned, scheduled times that are expected for lecture and clinicals. The same is across the board for all other majors. If something is scheduled outside of those predetermined times, then it is typically done on an extra-credit basis.

Nursing school, however, is quite convinced that the universe revolves around them and they are too good to stick to the normal schedule. So, professors gladly sign US up before talking to US for things that we should not have to be required to do! We were required to go to a babysitting day for our pediatric class. It counted as clinicals, but we were just free labor and we were given the children that were "too difficult" for anyone else to handle. Clinicals are expected to be free labor, in exchange for a learning experience so that we can grow into the role of being a nurse. I get that. If the babysitting thing is thought to be helpful (it absolutely WAS NOT!), then it should be on one of our scheduled clinical days instead of a Friday night or a Saturday during the day. Simple as that.

Test reviews should be done during class time, if they are to be required. If not done during class time, then the students that are unable to go because maybe they have: jobs, or children, or another class, should be able to have a test review emailed to them so as to make it fair for everyone. Instead, I was told I could either go or miss on the information. I got the info from friends who went to the review, but it's unfair that she is giving information to those who can make it, but refuses to help those who are unable to get out of other life requirements. Not only that, she scheduled my clinical group's skills lab during the test review (and during my other class) so I am missing tons of information because she is being unreasonable and requiring attendance during times that are not her allotted times for school.

This professor is known for failing too many students that it is giving her bad marks with the school. An yet, they keep her on staff because of tenure. How did she get tenure? NOBODY KNOWS!!!

Most of our class is on clinical probation because none of us know what we are supposed to be doing because she doesn't tell us anything. Nor does she put it on the calendar so that we would have any kind of an idea that something should be due.

Well, I emailed her a few times about my scheduling problems with her class. She told me it was my responsibility to get it figured out with my other professor. This means, in no clear language, that she refuses to help me out at all. After getting that email, I emailed her supervisor. The supervisor then forwarded my email back to my professor. When she received it, I then got a scathing email from the professor telling me tht it is my responsibility to get it figured out. Okay, I already knew she was going to say that. I emailed her supervisor originally to ask to meet with the supervisor. Unfortunately, the professor and supervisor are friends. This means my life just got a whole lot more complicated.

In addition to all of that bullshit, she also confronted me in front of our entire class about the whole situation. She told me that she refuses to change the skills lab just for one person. I told her I understand that. She got mad at me for not coming in the day she told me "I guess you could come in today, but we already have 6 people in each group and you would have to talk to the instructors". I got that email 30 minutes before she expected me to show up for the impromptu lab. Ya, okay lady. She then proceeded to tell me I needed to prioritize my classes because I am "getting my bachelors in nursing and the other class should not matter."

Ha! Okay lady. I wonder how the Vice Chancellor and Chancellor of the school are going to like that little comment. Remember, I have witnesses that will go to bat for me and add in a whole slew of other fun things you've put us and previous classes through. Do not underestimate me lady. I have been pushed around by far too many people and you just so happen to be the last one to try to push me down. I am not backing down. I may lay dormant for a few months until I get my brochure. Then you better believe that I am unleashing HELL and going to ALL of your bosses with just how unprofessional you and your supervisor are. You are both unreasonable and it makes it so clear as to why we have such a nursing shortage because people refuse to go through learning under instructors like you. There are also so many nurses who refuse to be instructors because we have all had such shitty ones in the past we are scarred from ever going back to school to be able to teach.

So, don't you dare believe for one second that I will back down. You just flipped my bitch switch so get ready for a ride.

The Blows Keep Comin'

It's strange that the course of events that transpire in one day can take someone from feeling like they are finally doing better in their journey of life, and then a few moments later they can go back to feeling so defeated.

That is me today.

I thought, Great! I'm going to start working on getting legal stuff situated to help me out with these assholes who took everything from me. I am starting to believe my brain about what has actually happened and I know that legally I did what I needed to do. I am beginning to have days where I believe that the actions of these fuckers were not my fault and maybe, someday, eventually, I can possibly be okay. 

Yes, I know that "maybe, someday, eventually, and possibly" are all words that sound like I do not believe that I will be okay. That is because "being okay" is something I don't forsee happening. However, I am hopeful that I will eventually work to get a little bit better than I have been in my deepest pits of despair.

Then, I have a day like today. Nothing seems to be going right and it's only 11 in the morning! My professor is being unreasonable and covering her tracks so that her supervisors do not see any problem with her actions. Meanwhile, she takes it out on me and works on publically embarrassing me and any one of my fellow students who tries to make life fair for the rest of us or even future classes.

I still have homework that I need to complete for my next class, a test on Thursday to study for, and a million other things going on in my life.

It's one of those days where it becomes very easy to fall back into bad habits that I thought I was finally starting to grow out of.

It's one of those days that I question why I am here.

It's a day I wish I could live under a rock and not have to worry about the things that plague my life so heavily.



I've said it before, but I'm so very tired.

Being tired is not a physical state of exhaustion where you can go to sleep in hopes that life will be calmer and more clear when you wake up. It's the kind of tired where all I can seem to manage to do is lay in bed and stare at a blank wall. I don't want to deal with "friends," professors, nursing school, the stresses of what to do after graduation, wondering if I will graduate, or even worrying about eating. I find myself going through motions and not actually being present. My body is in the right place that I am supposed to be, but I no longer have a brain, thoughts, or emotions to accompany my body to it's scheduled activities.

I'm tired.

Counseling Homework: Journal

*****Fowl language present in this post. Proceed with caution***** 

My homework for this week is to journal each night before bed. Last night's theme: anger. Anger at "friends," anger that exfiance tried to contact me just once I start getting free from his evil grasp on my life, and angry that this is my life.

I'm angry. I'm sad. Mostly, I'm numb between the overwhelming rage at seemingly everything in my life and the bouts of sadness that pepper each day.

So, my homework is to journal. I didn't even tell my counselor about my anger issues because one hour is simply not enough time to be able to process everything I need to process. It barely even scratches the surface because I have way too much noise in my head.

I guess we're going to start working on my self-esteem. I shared my needs and wants list with her, and I suppose the common thread through the need list was basic survival stuff. My wants seem to need a foundation of self-esteem before anything else can happen, I guess. So, that is a next step.


I talked with counselor about reporting the guys. When it comes to this, I get very confused. When I told her I didn't want to report them, we discussed what happens if I don't report them: they don't realize they've done wrong or they knew they did wrong and they continue to believe they can get away with it, they could do this to other girls, etc, etc, etc.

So, I did some soul searching and finally find it in my conscience the desire to report these assholes and hope, best case scenario, that they go to prison or get some kind of legal punishment and record for these wrongs. When I mentioned my desire to report them, I let her know I had been reading about the process and other victim's stories online about the reporting process. Now I feel deflated because I don't think I'm strong enough to go through with the re-victimization that the reporting process can cause.

She, having worked with these cases many times before, let me in on what to expect and the prognosis is not good. With the first one, at least I went and got a SANE exam. After the second guy, I wanted to go get an exam so badly, but he talked me into staying with him and he questioned me if I was going to go get one. He has questioned me about getting a SANE exam several times since then and he uses guilt trips and fear to keep me from ever getting them. Between that and the costs associated with them if you aren't going to report (and I wasn't ready to report them at the time so no compensation would have been given), I had no ability to get the exam done. At least 10-12 of the 14 times he claims we "had sex" could have been used for a SANE exam, but his clutch on me was so intense that he even made me feel guilty for hurting his feelings when I went and got the Plan B pill just to cover my tail that way. He said it was terrible for me to be buying that pill because it meant I didn't believe or trust him. No shit Fucker, I don't believe that you "pull out" and that that is an efficient means of pregnancy prevention because you told me you wanted to get me pregnant!!! SEVERAL FUCKING TIMES!!!

I actually think he was mad at me taking the EC (emergency contraception) because it meant he was not in control of me becoming pregnant. He thought he had control of my mind, my emotions, and my body, but I wouldn't give him total control of "us" (essentially him via my uterus) bringing another life into this world as a result of continued abuse. This thought is a brand new epiphany I got while writing this. Ugh, the weight of what he's done gets heavier. As it gets heavier, the more I realize that everything that could be used as proof, he said over the phone or in person and he can refute all of these points. I have no texts or way to prove that he did this, said this, told me this, yelled at me for hours upon hours, and manipulated me in order to try to make me believe all of these things were my idea and not him manipulating me.

He had to have been planning for the eventuality that this would go to court and he wanted no proof that could be used against him. I think he plans this and has a specific method of action so that he can do this over and over again. That has to be what is going on here because he took measures to make sure that only small talk was done over text but yelling, fights, and difficult subjects where I was trying to stand up for myself as he bulldozed me was all done over the phone or in person. He was planning for no evidence so that he could talk his way out of another felony like he's done for all of his other fucking charges. Granted, these are just speculations, but I've racked my brain and this is just now coming to me.

The idea that he planned this and made sure there was no evidence makes so much sense! He's told me tons of stories where he has the "evidence" of a girl saying "yes" to sex with him but when she wakes up in the morning and calls the cops saying he raped her, then he shows the cop a video of her saying "yes" and they tell her that she is just being dramatic! Nobody knows if she was able to consent and was in a sober state-of-mind, and as far as I know the cop doesn't ask her about that. The only thing he ever told me is that about a dozen girls have told him they raped them, and he comes back with a video of her saying it's "okay" if they have sex.

One day we were talking about the day I woke up naked next to him in that shitty motel, not remembering anything that had happened because he had brought me so much alcohol that I blacked out, he told me he should have gotten me on video consenting. He also told me a few days after that that he felt like he had raped me but later denied ever saying this. Then he said that saying he "felt like he raped me" was a joke that he played because that was the day he picked that 4 hour long fight as he drove me to the proposal in the cabin.

Puzzle pieces are starting to fit together and the memories are coming back.

This is going to be hard. I've been able to block out so much of exboyfriend and exfiance for so long, now I have to begin thinking about this stuff so that I can remember what happened in order to be able to report it to police and brainstorm ways to get these fucking assholes behind bars.

Exfiance was laying the ground work to hurt people, and me, since before I ever met him. How many other girls has he done this to? How many more times will he get away with his evil schemes and how many more lives will he ruin?



I was asked why I want to report them now?

There are a lot of answers to this: I wasn't strong enough to see that I had done everything I needed to do in order to try to stop their actions against me (said no, physically trying to push them away, trying to avoid them, attempting to break up with them, trying to bring other people around when they wanted to hang out, etc); I want to get their actions on file even if there isn't enough evidence to convict them at this time; if other girls come forward, I want to know that I helped get those other girls justice, even if reporting them does nothing for me; I'm beginning to understand what happened to me; I'm not reporting them out of vengeance, I'm trying to consider the safety and life quality of the others they may come into contact with, nobody should have to deal with life the way I'm having to deal with it. Yes, it has taken me months, almost a year, to report them. However, it's taken me this long to get out of a numb state-of-mind so that I could start remembering the details and start realizing that what they've done is one of the worst crimes they can do against another living creature.


I've learned that many victims find reporting their abusers even more traumatizing than the actual assaults were originally. That is absolute bullshit. There is also like less than one person convicted of rape out of every 100 rapes reported. Some of those are fake reports of girls trying to get back at their boyfriends, but so many are unable to be prosecuted in any way because rapes come down to he said, she said.

I think this is because victims are in shock for so long, they don't understand what happened to them. By the time they come to and realize that what happened was against the law, it's often too late for a SANE exam, especially if evidence is needed to prove the rape was done by who the victim claims it was. Many people don't even know you need to go get a SANE exam if you are sexually assaulted/raped. I am in nursing school and have worked in hospitals for years and hadn't ever heard of a specific specialty in nursing for sexual assault cases. When I first heard the term "SANE exam" I thought it was a psych consult to see if I was telling the truth or crazy and reporting something that didn't actually happen. Our society is so backwards and uninformed about sexual assault and rape, most victims don't know and have no mental capacity (due to the shock) to be able to know that there are steps they need to take after something so traumatizing.



So, as far as reporting goes, I was asked to think about it for awhile longer. I was advised to wait until I'm stronger and not going through so much school stress. That poses a problem because I want to move away after I graduate and leave the state. How am I going to report these crimes if I'm in a different state?

Why is life so fucking hard?

Why are there not more intense bad words to fully express myself adequately? Maybe there are no words to be able to describe some things people go through because some things are so heinous and some emotions are so powerful and raw that words don't even come close to being sufficient.

I Ignored the Call

He called me tonight. Exfiance called me. He left texts asking me to call him back but I ignored them all and called my brother and then my mom. It's Valentine's Day for goodness sake! Why can he not just leave me alone?!?

Main point is: I ignored the call.

It was hard. Believe it or not, it was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do so far.

My brother didn't answer right away when I called him, but my mom did. She told me to text exfiance and tell him to stop contacting me. During that conversation, Brother called me and I told Brother everything was fine but that exfiance had tried to call me. He offered to come spend the night at my house to protect me, but that he wouldn't be here for a few hours because he needed to go to the gym before he came over. Well, okay, we'll see. I'm fine right now, but I may end up calling him to have him come over.

The cops are on speed dial and only a click away right now though, just in case exfiance tries to come over tonight. He answered my "don't text me anymore because I'll get a restraining order" text with saying that he "couldn't believe I was being like this and he just wanted to tell me something."

Well, then just fucking say it! Tell me over fucking text without me having to ask a billion and five questions! Leave a fucking voicemail and let me know what this "important" information you have for me is! Besides that, leave me the fuck alone!!! Just STOP!!!!! Let me have a little bit of peace.

He doesn't know I'm going to the cops soon. He doesn't know that my story will be a part of a case and his name will be all over it. He doesn't know that maybe, just maybe, this will be the final straw that finally puts him in prison where he cannot get out for awhile. L-rd, let me get into contact with the other girls so that maybe we an have a solid case against him! Please, oh L-rd, let this prayer be heard and answered with miracles.

I was already struggling today. I spent about an hour on the phone with my mom recalling that this is about the time that exboyfriend started controlling me and talked me into kissing him after about a month of trying to guilt me into it. He had recently told me that he had been talking to me and exroommate's cousin about dating both of us but he liked me better so cut ties with her unexpectedly. Sure, that left him with no major problems, but it filled my life with drama because I had become friends with the cousin and it was my roommate's family that he messed up. He ruined so many relationships for me because of talking to both of us, and leading us both on at the same time. Between him and exroommate's mom, they ruined my life. I had no idea the events that transpired about this time last year would lead to the hardest point in my life.

Who knew I would regret waking up each morning because I met him? Because I met her? Who knew I would wish to have amnesia just so I wouldn't be haunted by the ever-present memory of his actions that night and the next day? Who knew I would wish to have been taken from this world years ago so that I could have been able to die pure instead of so messed up that I'm not even hamburger meat anymore?

Who knew it could even get worse? That it could get so much worse that I start to remember the terrible first relationship as something I would rather be in (with exboyfriend), instead of ever living through the second (with exfiance)?

It makes no sense as to why this is my life. I don't understand why these are my burdens to bear and why I am forced to suffer in this death sentence. Let's be real, none of us are getting out alive. But why is this my path in life? What did I do to deserve this? Would it not be more kind to just put me out of my misery and let me die? Why make me continue on and fight this impossible, never-ending fight for life?

He called tonight. I panicked. Despite the panic, I did not answer. However, my mind will not be quieted tonight. Every sound, every creak, everything I hear will be met with my startle response.

This is part of my burden.

This is a part of my pain.

It will not end.

This is my life from now on.

Needs and Wants List

Believe it or not, this list took me a long time to write up. It also brought a lot of tears from some reason. Regardless, here is the list of my needs and wants for my life:

Needs

• Food
• Water
• Sleep
• Shelter
• Safety
• Graduate nursing school
• Some kind of job
• Clothes are good...
• Showers are nice...
• Cars are handy...
• I need to be okay with me, eventually

Wants

• Friends
• Happiness, even just a little bit eventually and every once in awhile
• Really great L&D or NICU job after graduation
• Move somewhere new
• Maybe become a traveling nurse in a couple years
• A quiet mind back
• Nightmares to chill out
• Family that's not batshit crazy
• Report the guys
• Forget all 3 of them, at least the pain they caused me
• Have hope for a future
• Have fun again
• Stop being scared every time someone knocks on the door, trucks, certain parts of town (because of the guys) and just about everything else in my life
• To be "okay"
• Stop having so many "Sad" days
• Stop feeling numb all the time, I want to be happy again
• Stop being so angry all the time
• Not feel so dirty, broken, shameful, unworthy, unlovable, unwanted, undesirable, rejected, and worthless
• Stop feeling crazy
• Stop feeling like I'll turn crazy
• Be able to laugh without feeling empty after

Yes, I know a couple of the wants are not realistic and are things that I cannot control. I get that. These are just the things that I had pop into my head.

Transitional Nursery Day

Today's post is happy. It's about my day in the "transitional nursery" for OB clinicals.

Well, I spent about an hour in the nursery where I watched one baby, did a couple assessments for the nurse because she couldn't leave said baby, and then I sent a UA down to the lab for a tox screen. That was it.

I then got called down to go to a C-section!!! The "baby nurse" that I was following around does not actually go to c-sections, they leave that for the NICU team, but she does attend vaginal deliveries. Since there wasn't really anything going on, my nurse called my instructor and asked if it would be okay if I went to the OR to watch. Yay! It doesn't matter how many births I see, I still love them all and I can't wait to be in a position where I may even be able to be a nurse in that setting.

Watched that, then followed the baby to the PACU where my nurse was chillin' and helped with the assessment, got to teach the dad of the baby how to put sweeties (sugar water) on his finger and let his baby suck it off to relieve the baby's pain as I gave shots! I loved that! He was so excited that she was sucking so strongly and he enjoyed getting to see what it feels like when baby is sucking on mom. Plus, he was able to soothe baby through painful procedures which made him feel like he was contributing to care instead of just a by-stander.

I'm excited about it because I talked to him like a Real Nurse would talk to a dad! I had all the confidence in the world, asked him to go wash his hands and taught him how to stimulate the baby's suck reflex. He asked what the little cup of liquid was and I told him they were sweeties. He asked what that was and I told him it's basically sugar water and it provides pain relief for the baby during painful procedures since babies are so sensitive to sugar. It was a short, clean response that he seemed satisfied with and I answered it nicely and I think that encouraged him to continue to ask questions! There was a new nurse training with my nurse and when she answered questions for him, he seemed like he felt a little bit offended like he was being talked down to.

Now, that might by my biased opinion because she talked down to me regularly, but maybe it wasn't. Learning point for when I'm a nurse though is answer kindly to all questions. I try my best to do that with colleagues, instructors, doctors (even when they're not nice), patients, and all people in all aspects of life (working, clinicals, and real life). I feel like people ask me a lot of questions and if I don't know the answer, I go research it. However, I generally have an idea when I am at the hospital, of what to say. Sometimes I ask my nurse to help answer so I can get better wording, but sometimes that's not even an option. I pray that people will feel comfortable to ask me questions when I am a nurse and I also pray that I have a general idea as to what the answer is.

Shortly after that baby was born and mom came back to the PACU too, my nurse got a call to go to a vaginal delivery! Yay! Another birth! There were actually two that were supposed to be happening back to back. While we were in with one baby and working on assessing that baby, the other baby was born a minute later. Goodness, it's like all three made sure to all come at once. Now that I think about it, that's how it usually happened when I was shadowing the past couple of summers too. Baby's must come in threes, or at least all at the same time just like old people die in threes... It's just a weird phenomenon that seems to happen on a regular basis.

Regardless, I got to see both of those births, help with 3 rounds of shots and eye ointment administration, and help with a baby's first bath. So exciting! Plus, I've seen about 4 full, head-to-toe newborn assessments and they've really helped me become more comfortable with them.

The other girls in my group are upset with the amount of things I've seen compared to them. Honestly, I've seen a lot but I feel like the L-rd is the One orchestrating all of these amazing opportunities to see things that I am really interested in. It seems like He's preparing me to work in this field. I also think He's giving me so many blessed days so that I can start to have happy days again.

I went to counseling yesterday and read to her my huge long laundry list of good things that happened since our last session two weeks ago (because of the snow day) and she told me I seemed so happy. She said she was proud of me for standing up for myself against Jersey, blocking exfiance, and she saw how excited and glad I was about such a fantastic first day at clinicals. G-d blessed me with all of the experiences I needed to be able to learn the life lessons my counselor is encouraging me through like standing up for myself with Jersey and other friends.

We had just talked about that and then G-d gave me the opportunity to fix it. We talked about coloring at counseling and I came home to my roomie giving me an "adult" coloring book as a belated Hanukkah present! We talked about me being more assertive this week and I ended up voicing my opinions, in a nice way, in order to make my needs known. I'm learning the lessons He wants me to learn. Yes, I'm way late on a lot of them, but I feel like He's working on me. Then, when He knows I'm at my wits end with life and I'm way too sad to go on, He gives me amazing days where I can't help but be in awe of how amazing He is for providing me with these experiences.

I hope these other girls in my group will get to see a bunch of great procedures and have a ton of experiences, I truly do because I know I get excited about it and maybe they would enjoy it too! However, I pray that the L-rd continues to bless me with getting to see so many incredible things and I pray He puts me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people in order to continue to have amazing days for the rest of my nursing school career. I pray these things for the rest of my life too!

Oh L-rd, put me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people to be able to live and experience and amazing rest of my life!

My official counseling homework assignments are:

1. Make a list of needs and wants that I have for my life, not caring what anyone else wants or thinks I need.
2. Figure out how to stop only surviving and begin thriving.

The first one, I can do. The list is probably going to be pretty long, but I think that makes a little bit of sense. I'll probably end up sharing it on here just so you guys can see it.

Now, for the second one, I don't even know where to begin or what it means. I know what it kinda means, but it's not like I got step-by-step instructions on how to get from survival mode to begin thriving. My counselor asked me to think of a time I was thriving. Thing is, I don't know that I ever have. Maybe freshman year of college or sophomore year before Country Boy died? Even then, I don't remember "thriving" except when I was maybe 2. Maybe. I don't know, whatever. I'll think about it.


Anyway, y'all have a wonderful day, or week. I keep posting each day or every other day so you'll probably hear from me soon.

Brother to My Rescue

I talked with Mom today about reporting the guys. She couldn't really talk and express her thoughts because Dad was home and he still doesn't know what happened. In fact, he's still mad at me about exfiance.

It breaks my heart that I cannot go to my dad for support with this stuff because he would have a heart attack or stroke, probably both. He would call his brothers, and all of them and all of the buddies he calls would end up in jail with either murder charges or charges for severely beating exboyfriend's and exfiance's asses.

While I understand and appreciate the sentiment, all I want is for him to hug me and tell me he's sorry that it happened to me. I want him to tell me he is there for me and wants to support me. I want to know that he still sees me as his little girl even though I've been dragged through the mud and the muck and am defiled in the worst ways possible. I want him to tell me he believes me and that we will get this whole mess sorted out legally and nobody but the guys that can't keep their dicks to themselves will be ending up in jail and probably, eventually, prison.

That's what I want. But that's not how life works.

So, I told my Mom that I have been seriously considering reporting these guys today. That took a lot of guts on my end and I was hoping she would be supportive. She couldn't even say what was on her mind but she told me it is a bad idea because it will get back around to the uncles, their families, Mema, and then Dad. Therefore, she said, it is better for me to not report it so that Dad and the family don't find out and don't have backlash.

Excuse me for believing that reporting these assholes was going to better the world somehow. Forgive me for finally being able to see beyond not wanting to hurt them in their lives even though my life is completely ruined, I have worse psych problems than before, and I'm hanging on by a fucking thread! Apparently trying to lock these fuckers away so that they don't do this to any other girls is the wrong thing to do an I should deal with this bullshit on my own for the rest of my life, because I'm going to die alone caring for everyone else but me. Pardon me, it was my bad. Social justice cannot be served in the way that would prevent this from happening to others. Legal justice cannot be served to prosecute them at all.

Maybe my life should just fade away so that my family and friends won't have to suffer through the psychological problems of having people doubt my PTSD symptoms, my stories, the bruises he gave me that I used to hide, the cuts that have turned to scars that I continue to hide, and the fact that I don't want to wake up anymore. No, I won't kill myself, but maybe if I moved to another state and changed my name, then nobody there would have to know. I wouldn't be traceable. Then, maybe for the people I leave in this state, their life will be easier and they'll be none the wiser. I'll be a runaway but nobody will bat an eye because life will be about a billion times easier.


With my mind reeling from the phone call with Mom, I called Brother. She mentioned that I should because we had a football game on today (the Super Bowl...) and she suggested that he come over to my place to watch it since he's having problems with his roommate. Heading her advice for this, I called him up, but I figured he was probably at work. Turns out he was. We exchanged the customary small talk but I brought up reporting the guys. He asked if I had been thinking about it, and I told him I have been for a few months now. Really, I've been thinking about reporting them since the them was only a him after the first one. But I've been more seriously considering it in the last few months. He told me I should do it and that he'll support me if that's what I feel like I need to do, or he said he'd continue to support me if I feel like it's okay that they don't get reported.

I broke down and started telling him about the conversation with Mom. For the most part, I try really hard to not cry around him because he doesn't need that kind of stress.

I am an ugly crier. Like uglier that ugly. There is snot, blubbering, and eye leakage EVERYWHERE! Even on the phone, the listening party gets snot and tears on their shirts. I don't know how, but it's a gift I have.

In the process of me telling him that she told me not to report the guys because of dad and the family, he told me that he understands that. I do too. We have spent most of our lives sharing the good with Dad and avoiding the bad because he doesn't take it well. However, he suggested calling Mom, telling her to act like she doesn't know anything, and then me sitting both parents down and telling them together. I feel bad lying, but it seems like the best way. I told him I'm scared Dad is going to blow up the way he did when I wrecked my car and how he blew up when exfiance went up to ask for Dad's blessing. Brother told me that if Dad says anything negative or hurtful or how what happened to me is ruining his life (as he usually argues everything that I do ruins his life) then I just leave. I get in my car and I head to Brother's house. However, that way Dad would be finding out when Mom is finding out (supposedly) and so maybe he will take it better. I still think he's going to have a CVA and an MI (CVA-cardiovascular accident, aka stroke; and MI-myocardial infarction, aka heart attack). He may also call up his brothers and go through the previously mentioned story that lands him and a bunch of guys in jail before the guys that actually hurt me can end up in jail or prison.

I love my dad. Truly I do. I am a daddy's girl to the bone and love spending time with him. I absolutely love my Dad. He has a laundry list of mental illnesses and that makes life difficult. And, for selfish reasons, I absolutely hate that I cannot tell him the things that are going on in my life. I want so desperately to tell him everything. I want to explain why I call exboyfriend and exfiance dicks when I tell stories about them. Dad defends them every time, saying that he "likes the kid" and it's like a fucking knife to the heart. He doesn't know what he doesn't know, but if your daughter calls someone a dick and she does not do that on a regular basis and she is typically very happy and forgiving, maybe there is a problem there.

I hate that I cannot do what I need to do because I have to worry about dad reacting poorly. Oftentimes, his reaction is worse than whatever situation I am going through. For instance, my wrecking my car. I was shaken up, but I survived with no injuries. I was stressed majorly, but able to compose myself to do what I needed to do and call a tow truck, my mom, and get my car fixed. When he answered the phone for my mom, my heart sank. When I got home from my mom picking me up, he yelled at me for a solid 20 minutes because I was ruining his plans and his life. I was being an inconvenience and he made it sound like I got in a wreck on purpose just to fuck with his life. I guarantee you, I did no such thing. It's an accident. Accidents happen. I'm almost certain he's been in a few wrecks himself. I backsassed him and told him to not worry about it because I was going to fix it. I didn't get in the wreck to be an inconvenience and I am an adult and can fix my own mistakes.

He proceeded to ignore me for a few days until I brought up a conversation with him.

When exfiance went up to ask for his blessing, he told exfiance yes. Then called me and told me it was a huge mistake. He yelled at me, over the phone, for a solid 45 minutes on the day of the big date I had planned for exfiance and didn't let me talk at all. He kept talking about how I wasn't mature enough and that he regretted his first marriage from when he was 25 to some crazy lady in town. Whatever, that's not my fault. I wanted to yell back at him but there is no reasoning with him. He told me the same things over and over and over again until he had to go back to work. The essence of which was: I am not mature, I'm an idiot, I'm too young, he hates his life, he regrets his first marriage, he regrets his second marriage, and he regrets having kids.

I ended up saying yes when exfiance asked at the restaurant and I had the ring on my hand for a couple days. I ended up going home a day or two after the date and he refused to look or talk to me because he heard through my mom that I had said yes. I broke up with exfiance a couple days after that and Dad still didn't talk to me for weeks until I started talking to him.

Do you see the pattern? Do you understand why we don't tell him anything? Yes, we should tell him stuff, but we can't because he loses his shit every fucking time. It makes our situation 20x more miserable than if we just suffer through it alone. Then he wonders why we don't tell him anything...

Brother asked if telling them together and leaving if there was a problem sounded do-able. I told him I think it was a better idea than just flat out telling Dad, but I told Brother I don't think I can do it. Planning for it and actually carrying out the plan are two completely different things. I'm having panic attacks just thinking about telling Dad and they get worse as time goes on. However, I get so much more nervous when I am about to do it. I almost crapped my pants just asking my dad if I could go to prom. Telling him I've been ruined? I think I'd pass out from shame and nervousness. Brother ended the conversation by saying that he would go with me to take care of Dad and be my support. He told me before he offered to come with, to ignore Dad and let him (Brother) take care of Dad if he flew off the handle, like he normally does. Brother is the one who got Dad to start talking to me after exfiance asked for Dad's blessing. Brother told him to stop taking it out on me and to trust in the way Dad and Mom raised me. After that, and several weeks of reflection, Dad told me that that helped him "forgive me". *Just remember, everything that happens is my indirect way of making sure that I completely fuck up his life (that was complete and total sarcasm).* So, Brother is going with me, if I ever get the balls to go up and talk to them about everything.

And, where he comes from, domestic violence and rape are not called by those names. The country is old-school and they believe football players can do whatever they want as long at they take their team to state. Husbands can hit their wives because their wife must have done something to piss him off. Children can be physically punished to the point of bruises, broken bones, and other serious problems because they must have fucked up badly enough that they needed that kind of punishment.

Granted, not every person that lives in the country believes this way, but I've heard the mean things they say about a high school girl that reported her boyfriend for raping her a few years ago. They say that she was just mad that he broke up with her. She's just trying to get attention. He didn't do anything wrong, she made up stories to get him put away. And others. There are so many others.

When you hear about domestic violence, child abuse, and rape stories, how many of these occur in the country or in the woods? A lot. It's because not a whole lot of people are around, it's easier to do your own thing without anyone ever figuring anything out. Plus, their mindset is usually very different.

That makes me feel a bit crazy. Am I being over dramatic and making stuff up? How will this effect my uncles, aunts, and cousins? Will I be able to ever go back there? What if I run into a family member or friend of one of the guys? How much worse can my name be drug through the mud? THIS IS NOT A CHALLENGE TO ACTUALLY SEE HOW MUCH WORSE IT CAN GET!!! These are just the wonderings in my brain. This stuff keeps me up at night. I wake up in cold sweats.

I keep waffling between knowing that they need to get locked up to wondering if people will believe me to being terrified of what will happen with my Dad and extended family.

I talk to my counselor about all of this on Tuesday. I can make it until then, I think.

Let's be real for a second...

Something I found horrifying when I started nursing school, was that many nurses end up having substance abuse problems. As a new nursing student they teach you all the harm smoking, drinking, and other drugs can cause to a body. Good heavens, it seems like smoking is a risk factor for damn near every cancer, disease, and ailment known to man. Likewise, alcohol and street drugs (including marijuana, though that is debatably "street" depending on which state you're in...) are also risk factors for so many ailments that the three things cannot even be a test question because the answer would be "all of the above" or you'd have to select all options on a "select all that apply" question.

Learning these, and then hearing that nurses become dependent and/or abuse alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs (street and prescription) was absolutely shaking to my foundation. Keep in mind that I was under the legal drinking age and had not ever been drunk or had a drink for the first year and a half of nursing school and the whole year I spent on prereqs. That's about 2.5 years of college without drinking while those around me drank whether of age or underage.

I was also in a glorious little bubble where the hymns at church speaking of suffering meant that I suffered at the hands of friends ignoring me for a couple of days because they didn't like what I was wearing, or they happened to be PMS-ing that day and had it in them to focus all of their evil menstrual rage in my direction. This happens for males and females alike, don't worry.

As I went through more and more college, and became old enough to be "legal," it became acceptable for me to responsibly consume ethanol (drinking alcohol). You learn pretty quick that it calms down your mind, dancing is more fun (or actually possible with someone as uptight as I am), and life slows down and relaxes for a moment. Is this healthy? I think it is okay in moderation. The danger zone comes into effect when it is your daily routine, you have to drink in order to "wake up" in the morning, or you begin to use alcohol to get through anything you may be going through in life. These are excessive.  Quite frankly, there is a very fine line between okay and absolutely not okay. It is even easier to cross over said line and take it to an unhealthy level.

It is frowned upon for anyone to smoke, let alone doctors/nurses/other healthcare professionals. However, if you talk to those who smoke, nicotine provides and instant period of relaxation. They can be having a mental breakdown or they could have experienced a hugely traumatic event and smoke a cigarette and then they can breathe and calm down for awhile. Do cigarettes have carcinogens, increase you risk of having a stroke, and cause powerful addiction talons to dig themselves into your life and drain the money and life right out of you? Yes, they probably do. However, keep in mind why people begin smoking in the first place. You don't know what life struggles they face and what kind of things have happened in their life collectively to bring them to the place they are now. This is difficult to remember when the 30 year smoker is demanding another nicotine patch after an hour of putting on the first one while they are also asking you (the nurse or health professional) for a cigarette.

Prescription drugs and "street drugs" can be seen similarly. They can provide a high and an escape from reality.

The thing with all of these substances is that they are very dangerous and problematic for those that use the substance. It doesn't matter if it is alcohol, tobacco, prescription drugs, street drugs, or any other type of mind altering substance. These things can be very dangerous and addicting. However, before you judge someone for smoking, drinking, or using, remember you don't know their story.

I have at least a triple threat of alcoholism and substance abuse because: 1) I am the daughter of an alcoholic and have a long, extensive family history of alcoholism, 2) I am going into nursing which is a terribly difficult career and lifestyle choice, and 3) I have been raped, sexually assaulted, and severely abused (mental, physical, sexual, and psychological [pretty much all of them]) for a year with boys and longer with others in my life that I will left unmentioned. I am also the daughter of a smoker with a long, extensive family history of smoking and other substance abuse.

I have the deck stacked against me. My mind never shuts off. Maybe some of you know what this is like, but I pray none of you do know this pain and the daily struggle of fighting through the constant noise in your head to just get out of bed and possibly get food or water each day. Don't even go into needing to be a sister, solid daughter that helps, a student, and the other various roles I've had to fill. I will admit to having the occasional margarita with friends after class, during happy hour. We are stressed, we are looking for opportunities to hang out and decrease some of our tension. This is enough to want to take some time and quiet our brains. Add in anything else (being a parent, having family/friend drama, trauma, abuse, and anything else) and you have exponentially increased the desire to have a drink and calm down.

It can be easy for anyone on this earth to feel stressed enough, at one point or another, to desire a way of release. Each person has a way they find that tension relief. All I ask is that you don't judge when people are under your care that have smoked, have a history of alcohol use, or a problem with using. Yes, these things are self-inflicted and they cause so many of the problems we see in hospitals. It is easy to blame a behavior instead of understanding the reasoning behind a person's behavior. Having been through what I've lived through, I have had my mind opened to being so much more understanding to those who use or have a history of using substances. Hell, some nights, the only thing that will shut my brain up for a solid 5 minutes is having a drink and appetizers with friends that I trust.

Don't get me wrong. I do not condone drinking and driving, smoking, using drugs, or getting prescriptions to fulfill a person's desire for prescription drugs. I am not supporting abusing substances in any way. I'm just saying, you don't know why someone started using. Chances are, they understand how bad their substance is for them, but you don't know what is going on in their life or what is happening in their head. My head is a constant "war zone" of sorts. I can't explain exactly what happens, but I have constant flashbacks of the guys that have hurt me, my friend committing suicide, the voice telling me I am unwanted/unlovable/worthy of death or lifelong solitude, and a myriad of other terrible experiences. In the world, you can use music or physically move to change your surroundings. When the bad things that happened to you are constantly replaying in your mind and dreams, you have no way of controlling the thoughts that bombard you whether you are awake or asleep.

You don't know the abuses, the pain, or the circumstances anyone has had to live you. You don't know. There is no way to actually be able to completely convey what a person has lived through.

My point: Please, just don't judge anyone.

Miraculous First Day of OB!!!

Guys, I had such a fantastic day today!!!

So, our first day was supposed to be yesterday, but there was a second snow day. Needless to say, my much needed counseling session was cancelled and rescheduled next Tuesday... It's going to be rough. I wanted a snow day, but only for Monday. I got so sad when counseling and my first day of OB clinical was cancelled! Oh no!!!

Regardless, when we showed up today, there was a super low census. They were sending nurses home left and right. There was only one woman laboring, less than a handful of women in Mom/Baby, and NICU has a short supply of babies. This is in a hospital known for having the busiest Labor Delivery/Mom Baby/NICU and all other woman related portion of the hospital in our half of the state. They fly and transport people to this hospital from several other states because they are a great hospital. So, to have such a low census and also request for students to be paired with nurses was not ideal at all.

As is typically the case, I was the odd man out. The other students were able to be put in their assigned area for the day. The other girl who was supposed to be with me in Mom/Baby ended up being able to make up her NICU day from yesterday. I wanted that to happen because she really wanted to go there and I've already been there the past couple of summers. Praise the L-rd! Anyway, I was the last one and it took about 20 minutes to even find a baby or patient for me to be able to see.

I ended up getting pulled into a circumcision! Yay! I have wanted to see one for a really long time and we had missed the one earlier today and that bummed me out. Naturally, I prayed about it. L-rd, can I please see a circumcision during my time here in OB clinicals. Then I didn't even give it another thought. Little did I know He was going to answer that prayer today! And not even 30-45 minutes after I had requested that in my heart. Praise you L-rd for answering even the smallest of prayers.

With that baby having to stay in the nursery for a couple hours, I got to also practice my newborn assessment and it was way easier than I expected. Granted, the baby had no abnormals and I had a nurse helping me assess and then chart the whole time. Check that off the list of stuff I am supposed to do for clinicals. Yay! Plus, the NNP that performed the circumcision was so sweet and her and the nurse assisting pulled me right in and explained everything they were doing. They were so incredibly sweet.

As I was sitting there charting the assessment, my instructor came in to check on me and saw there was nothing going on and the baby was fixin' to get discharged. "You want to see a placenta?" She asked. "Hell ya I do!" Of course, I didn't say those exact words, I just said "Ya!" but you know what I mean. So, I got to discover the placenta, look at all of the components of it, touch it (through gloves), and talk about some of the complications that can occur with the placenta. Then, after we talked about it and held it, she asked if I wanted to practice IV's. What kind of a question is that? Of course I do! So, I started two IV's on a placenta. No big deal. Just kidding, it's a HUGE deal!

Then we had dinner, since it's the evening clincal group. After dinner, I had nowhere to go. The baby I had watched got discharged. The unit I was supposed to be on had patients leaving and so they were down to 2-3 patients and didn't want a student. So my instructor set me up with a computer and asked me to research some points that I thought were interesting to share with the rest of the group. After brainstorming, I picked nursing interventions for babies withdrawing from alcohol after being born and nursing interventions related to STI's in pregnancy/L&D. I got through finding the info for withdrawal babies when my intructor busts into the room and says, "Hurry up and come with me! I might have found you a procedure to come and watch. It's not much, but it's better than research."

Well okay! Off we go RUNNING down the hall to get me changed into hospital scrubs so I can go into the OR. We get me all decked out in the funky hair net/hat thing, shoe booties, and greens (scrubs) and I am ushered into the OR.

My instructor was yelling from the door, "Hurry up! Take off your clothes! Throw these on! Let's go, let's go! I hear voices!!!" According to my friend in the same clinical group, it sounded hilarious from outside the locker room because my friend had no idea what was going on, she just heard my instructor telling me to hurry up and strip down. Oh goodness, that made for a funny post-conference.

Anyway, I got all dressed up and made it into the OR and stood there for about 15 minutes waiting for the patient and doc to get there. No big deal, I'm good at standing in corners looking awkward.

A lady came up to me randomly and asked, "So are you the nursing student?" I said I was. Then she started quizzing me on what to do in a certain situation and why. I answered, correctly according to her, but she gave further rationale and what interventions she did. Turns out, that was the doctor! I was floored because she was so nice. But wait, it gets so much better!

As they were prepping the patient, the doctor had me come closer to her, then literally pushed me closer to the patient and told me, "the only way you learn is if you get up real close and watch everything". She said it nice, the words are easy to mistake for not being said nice, though. Of course, I know that getting up closer will help me see, but we are taught to stay in the corner and try to see around the people who are actually trying to do their jobs.

Well, the OB got all geared up in sterile gown and gloves then turned to me and told me to go scrub in! WHAT?!? Am I allowed to do this? She must have been reading my mind because she asked the nurse (who was the patient's nurse and the charge for her section of the women's ward) and the nurse said it was totally fine. Off I go, all sorts of excited, and I scrub in really carefully, making sure I don't cause problems for the patient. I go in and they gown me up in sterile gown and gloves and talk me through everything! All of this to allow me to hold a retractor (this one looked like the bottom half of a speculum that was detached and the OR tech was holding the top portion so that I was able to see everything the doctor was doing). She kept stopping and moving to the side so that I could see the problem she was working on, her stitches, how to make sure the problem was fixed and everything! She talked me through it all and she was just absolutely amazing. I also got to watch as they intubated her and the doctor and anesthesiologist made sure I got to look down the patients throat to be able to see her "windpipes" when they were intubating the patient at the beginning. I had even mentioned that I wanted to become a midwife and the doctor asked, "A certified nurse midwife, right? Because you'd get clocked if you want to be a lay-midwife!"

Me: "Ya, a CNM."

Doc: "Okay, good!"

Haha, if I were to be a lay midwife I could have saved a lot of time and money and have been working for a few years already!

When the surgery finished and the patient was getting wheeled back, the doc encouraged me to follow the nurse and ask questions. I did, but mostly I just helped get the patient hooked up in PACU. The nurse seemed to like the help, maybe. I don't know. I get confused because I can't tell if students are a gigantic pain in their ass and just an extra thing to keep track of during the day, or if they actually like us being with them if we are able to help. Whatever. She and the anesthesiologist seemed pretty impressed that I was able to help hook the patient up, but I don't know why because I still don't know what I'm doing but I offered to hook up leads, hook up the BP cuff, take a temp, and talked with the patient as she came down off her anesthesia. Regardless, it was great.

When I walked back to the nurse's station, I ran into two of my classmate. They, and all of the other nurses, were asking me how it was and what happened and everyone was so excited to hear about what I had gotten to do. How did they hear all of this? I don't know!

From there I went straight to post conference, where I was late because of said surgery, and they stopped post-conference and had me tell them all about it because they had heard some of what happened!

How did they know??? Good heavens, it's like they knew about all of it before I even got to the hospital today!

Anyway, I told the story, keeping the scrubbing in part out in case I wasn't supposed to do that. Then my instructor added it in! I asked if I was in trouble and she said "Absolutely not! That is amazing that the doctor let you do that! Plus, doc so-and-so pulled me aside afterwards and she absolutely loves you!" I'm almost certain my jaw dropped and I got so excited and giddy I don't remember much else of post-conference.

I've been on cloud 9 ever since the circumcision and yet G-d keep blessing me more and more!

I absolutely loved that doctor. I loved the nurses and surgical techs I was able to work with. I am so incredibly grateful for this whole amazing adventure I had today. There were a lot of times, thinking back on today, that I could have been grumpy or upset because I had nowhere to go and no plan for me. Well, G-d had a plan. I did not get sad or upset or grumpy all day and He continued to bless me, time and time again. It's almost like it was a mini-testing season with amazing rewards that were given nearly immediately to me.

Today was the best day I've had in nearly a year or longer! The day after I was so bummed, discouraged, and sobbing (for 20-30 minutes last night), G-d blesses me with such an amazing experience as today was. I'm am blown away and so very humble at this moment.

Recap: circumcision, newborn assessment, placenta, IV's in placenta, dinner (unremarkable), research (slight bummer), and then getting pulled to go into a surgery, then... SCRUBBING IN TO SAID SURGERY!!! 

So incredible and such a blessing filled day. I'm in awe of the way G-d works in my life. I needed a booster and this was exactly what I needed. It shows I was right for fighting to stay in OB this semester, instead of pushing it off until next semester as was suggested in counseling. This is my passion, within my passion of nursing. This is where I feel I belong. This is where my heart is happy and I make sense in this world. I feel G-d made my heart to want to serve women in this season of their life.

Thank you L-rd for your many miracles and behind-the-scenes workings. Praise you L-rd for giving me joy in the midst of this long season of darkness.

Ridiculously Stupid Cycle

Guys, I'm freaking out today. I was doing okay for the first time a couple days ago and now I'm headed back into the sad part of my cycle. I'm freaking out because I'm terrified I have an STD.

I know, I shouldn't be worrying and then refuse to go get tested. Thing is, I didn't want the contact that spreads STDs. It wasn't my choice. I could choose for the guys to have protection. I didn't choose any of it. That makes me angry. If I had a choice in any part of the matter at all, then I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I'm angry because I didn't get a choice. I'm angry because if I do have one, then I feel like my life is over because I don't want a husband to get it, if I have anything, and I damn sure don't want kids to get it. So then marriage and children are out of the picture for me.

That was my nightmare last night. That I had an STD.

I know I should go get tested but I'm terrified that it will be the end of my life and dreams.



I'm hoping I can just get to counseling tomorrow. I look forward to having it twice a week because I'm not doing well going so far out between sessions. I feel better the first few days and then I start sinking again about mid-way through the week once it gets to about Thursday or Friday and then my weekends are shit.

On a positive note, I got a snow day today. I really needed it. I'm just hoping I get to start clinicals tomorrow because it'll be the first day of OB clinicals and I'm on the Mom/Baby floor. Yay!