Exercised Today!!!

I am trying to start exercising now that I have time and hardly anything to do... with the exception of the next three days where I'm working every hour that I'm awake and only going home to get a couple winks of sleep and maybe a bite to eat.

Normally, this plan does not bode well for me and nothing happens. This time, however, I'm starting well. Of course, it's hard to keep going until I have a routine and get past the daily soreness that is nearly debilitating. But I have worked out about 3 times in the past 4 days or so. Plus, I workout when I'm studying. I study until I can't handle it and get really unproductive (about 20-30 minutes, like clockwork). Then, I'm so bored that almost anything sounds more fun. So, I do my tricep dips with the coffee table, some pushups, crunches, bicycle crunches, squats, lunges, and some hip flexor/extensor things (as seen performed by Audrey in Pitch Perfect when she learned their group was moving onto Nationals). It's a pretty good, short work-out that still gets me sore enough to actually do something for my muscles.

Today, I tried a new work-out that I found on Pinterest. Oh man, it had me shaking so much! It's good for apartment living because unless you fall, you won't be making a lot/any noise for the people living below you. I bet I'll be really sore. I like that kind of sore. Unfortunately, I have to work tonight at my CNA job and I work a double tomorrow and a shift the following day... NOT good when I'm sore. Oh well, eventually I'll get stronger and smarter to know to not pick up anymore CNA shifts.

"Proof That Every Country Song Was Exactly The Same In 2013"

This is a post I found on Facebook from a singer/songwriter I follow. I think it's pretty funny because it's pretty accurate and I LOVE country music. The only thing is: they keep showing the same 5 artists and don't venture out to the hundreds of others that are out there, so it will naturally talk about the same things. Plus, life in small towns revolve around girls in tight jeans (I'm not proud of that), alcohol, trucks, calling girls "girl", dirt roads, and rivers/ponds. That is country life in a nutshell + farming. But, it makes there point and it got me laughing!

Check it out here.

It's also on my Pinterest feed.

Ice Skating Celebration

Last night, I got to go out to dinner with a few of my friends from the nursing program. Afterwards, we went ice skating and had an absolute blast! It turns out that I am one of the youngest people in the program. This is quite unfortunate because everyone else was able to have a few drinks with dinner and I was just sittin' there sippin' water... Oh well.

Dinner was fun even though only 6 of our 40+ fellow students showed up. Then by friend's boyfriend showed up. He is super nice and I'm glad that they have fun together, but it reinforces the fact that I am alone. Never had a boyfriend and while I was once okay/happy being single, I'm finding myself wanting one again. It's frustrating.

Ice skating was so much fun! We went to an outdoor rink. It was so much better than an indoor rink because you get to see the stars and all the decorated houses. Besides the cold and the rockier ice, it was significantly more enjoyable than the indoor rink I am accustomed to. That is also largely because of the friends I was with.

Then, all of a sudden, everyone stopped skating. I looked around for the cause and some guy was proposing to his girlfriend on the rink. Amidst the, "aaah's" and "Oh my gosh, that is so cute's," I remained calm. Barely able to keep myself together, but I did. All night, that was all anyone could talk about. I'm happy for them. Truly, I am. It's just hard to watch right now.

How do I get past all of this jealousy and cynicism? There has to be a way, I just need a road map, the pills to make it so, and perhaps the Voice of G-d speaking into my life saying when, where, and how I will meet my future husband. Unfortunately, the first two are unrealistic and G-d doesn't typically give dates and times of future happenings in our lives. Think about how boring that would be!

Update on grades: My B- in Basic Assessment got changed to a B+ when my teacher dropped our quizzes. Then, I checked my final posted grades today and she ended up rounding up my grade so I got an A-!!! So, I got an A, A-, B, and two B-'s. Praise the L-rd!!! G-d answered my prayers about score rounding and so my GPA is significantly higher than I was projecting it at.

Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to no work. I got to go to dinner and ice skating with some of my nursing school friends. G-d not only let me pass my first semester of nursing school, but He brought my grades up as well. I did not fall a single time while ice skating! I am on break and enjoying my new downtime.

Phil Fired?!

Everyone knows I love Duck Dynasty, right? Have y'all heard that Phil Robertson has been put on indefinite hiatus from Duck Dynasty on A&E!? Guys, he got "fired" (not really, but kinda) because he stood up for G-d, the Bible, and his beliefs. I, for one, am glad that he did because we are all called to defend the Word and share it with the world. So, I support him because he is sticking up for the L-rd.

To me, it sounds like A&E almost baited him like the Pharisee's and Sadducee's did with Yeshua (Jesus). Now, I am not entirely certain of this because I only had time to read one post about the whole ordeal tonight, but I will continue to look into the matter. However, it seems like they (A&E) asked Phil about his beliefs and about homosexuality. Phil then responded respectfully saying that he does not agree with homosexuality because G-d put in the Bible that it is a sin. WE ALL SIN!!! Pointing that little fact out is not hateful and it is not meant to cause shame or harm to anyone. He went on to explain that he still loves everyone whether homosexual, bisexual, hetero, etc. and he just doesn't agree with their lifestyle. "Love the sinner, hate the sin" is an excellent quote summing the whole thing. For this, Phil was put on indefinite hiatus. Folks, don't think that just because we are 2000 years past ordeals that Yeshua and the disciples went through, that we are immune from persecution from the world. If we are speaking Truth, there is a good chance someone will be offended and they will stir up a world of hurt. Well, they can try. In reality, G-d is in control, He just lets them make a big deal about how upset they are.

There is nothing new under the sun and this will absolutely NOT be the last time someone is "fired" or harassed for their beliefs. Make sure you speak respectfully. Practice what you have to say about all issues in the world today. If you do not have a respectful way to say something, or you do not know enough about a certain issue and how G-d says to handle it in the Bible and through prayer, tell the person/people that you will get back to them. We are not here to offend everyone and hurt everyone's feelings. We are here to love on them but also give them answers according to what the God Book says, should they ask. Don't go looking for trouble. If someone comes to you with a question/dilemma, consult G-d, the Bible, and possibly a rabbi/pastor/elder/etc. Do not blindly answer questions about tough issues. Make sure to do your research thoroughly and not just a glance at Google's top hit. Be ready to defend the name of Yeshua and Ad-nai. Always be ready to give account for the Hope you have in Yeshua and make sure that you can make a stand for G-d when the time comes. My time has come a lot, and there are more coming. It's life. G-d is also wanting to know that you are not lukewarm. He says there is nothing so bad as a lukewarm believer, so make sure you know what side of the fence you're on and then stay on it!

Fellow believers, do not be so naive to think that the occasion will not arise that you will have to defend G-d, your faith, your friends, and anything else of value to you. It will happen. Find encouragement and Shalom in the L-rd and in the Word, but be prepared. I love you, my dear brothers and sisters in the L-rd.

ALL DONE!!!

Folks, I finished all my finals!!! Better yet, G-d let me pass the first semester of nursing school when I was certain I would fail at least 1-2 of my 5 classes!

The feeling of being done is so beautiful I can't even describe it. But G-d got me through. Oh man, I just can't get over that fact. Now I get to move onto clincals and get into some actual nursing.

My last final today for Foundations I studied for a total of probably 30 minutes because I could get a 0% and still pass. Man, 95% of the questions had an answer of "All of the above" and 4% had matching. Seriously 2 questions actually required me to pick out the answer that was an actual answer besides "All of the above". How crazy is that!?! Granted, I was a bit paranoid at the time and my Scantron was filled with the answer D, but my friends said their was the same way so I think I may get to keep my one A for this semester!

The teacher for that class is also my teacher for Basic Assessment and I may end up getting a solid B instead of a B- for that class because she is dropping the 2 quizzes that were ridiculously hard and that counted for 10% of our grade. Instead, she is making our final grade go from 10% of our total grade to 20%. Moral of that long-winded story is that I may get one less B- than I thought!!!

Yesterday was a good day and it just kept on getting better. Today is even better than yesterday and it continues to get better. I'm scared for tomorrow because this is either a manic episode or G-d is just letting me have a slight break from the craziness that surrounds me on all sides. Either way, I can't tell. Oh well, I think I'm going to enjoy a little down time before I work tomorrow at my IT job and I'll let you guys know how Friday night out with my nursing class goes, if we end up going out. Now, that I got the day back off from work (after they called me in, I ended up emailing my boss and backing out) nobody even knows if this shindig is still going down!

Icing on the cake that was my day, my hair curled enough to look absolutely adorable. Aaaaaaah, this was a good day.

My Simple Dream

In an effort to be totally real with y'all, so that you know that everyone struggles with silly stuff, I want to confess something to you guys. I keep coming up with situations that seem fun in my head or ideas of the type of guy I want and somehow I turn them into a type of prayer that is really more of my telling G-d a laundry list of things I want. Recently, I have caught myself almost asking, "L-rd, is this too much to ask?" I don't really mean it, but it's gotten into my head somehow. Maybe I picked it up from some of the funny quotes I'm bombarded with everyday or perhaps it was sprinkled through Pinterest. Either way, I'm appalled at myself for ever even thinking to ask G-d this. All thing are possible through Him because He created ALL things. He could give me the things I think I want, but would that be a good idea? Probably not, that's why He hasn't given them to me. Or, maybe He is saving it for sometime in the future. I don't know which because I can't see to the end of my life and all that happens between now and then. Sometimes I wish I could, but it's probably best that I can't.

Lately, I've really been craving a good, down-home, proper, country bonfire. Now, my college tried to hold a "bonfire" to celebrate homecoming week. Nothing about it was right.

The bonfires I'm talkin' 'bout have music up on a flatbed trailer because that's the only right way to do it...

 

But, if you don't have buddies in a bad, a circle of trucks with their radios cranked on the same station will do...

You gotta have beer (for those 21 and over)...








And you have to have loads of people surrounding the main even, a large pile of fire. Yes, fire can be in a pile, just trust me on this one...

These are just the necessities! You also typically need some fun guys and gals. Some down-to-earth country boys are usually the best fit because they worked hard all day/week and are ready for some fun!

Add in a tractor pulling a little trailer outfitted with some benches of straw/hay and you got yourself the best hangout you could imagine...

There may be some swimmin', and that includes skinny dipping, but I don't roll that way because I just don't. I can't even wear a tank top with my closest gal pals, how am I supposed to take off everything but my birthday suit or skivvy's to go swimming in some leech infested, stagnant water? No thank you! I will go in broad daylight wearing my nun's outfit of a "bathing suit" and that'll do me.

Guns may be brought out before the sun sets all the way and before people are completely plastered just to blow some steam and get some good chemicals (oxytocin, my favorite hormone, among others) pumpin' through everyone's veins...

Most of all, bonfires are just about kickin' back, chillin' and having a good time with your friends after a lot of work and likely a lot of stress. I haven't been to a bonfire, let alone a good bonfire since I was a kid. I couldn't drink at those either, because I was a child (probably 10 and under), but I sure did have a good time anyway! All of us kids, meaning me (the only girl) and all the boys (around 5-10), would run around lighting fire crackers, roasting marshmallows, and doing everything that was frowned upon in "normal" life. Normal life simply means the city life full of suburbs, people everywhere telling me what to do, and nobody having similar views on the way life should be handled. Those weekends were like family reunions and happened nearly every other weekend. Those people are my family especially because we don't talk to my mom's family and we aren't super close with my dad's side either. But we were so close with that huge group of friends that were closer and more connected and committed than our biological family. I miss that.




Another confession is that I have been craving a beer or some type of alcohol all week. I know that it will not necessarily make life more fun. Also, it's not good to "self medicate" with mood altering drugs. Not to mention, I'm only 19 and have never had a drink before, but I'm getting this craving for beer again. The Bible says: "There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God" (Ecclesiastes 2:24). But, I'm also supposed to follow the law because G-d said so. I doubt that I would/will ever get plastered, but I just want some kind of fun in my life! Alcohol never seemed like it would be fun or worth it until this summer at about the same time that boys suddenly became attractive. Dagnabbit! (That is how you spell it. It is a word. Well, where I come from it's a word.) What kind of trauma did I incur that I now want to drink a little bit, go to bonfire parties, have a boyfriend, and actually find boys cute!?!

Haha, I told my friend that I never used to think guys were cute until sometime this summer and she informed me that it happened suddenly to her too... somewhere in middle school... at the beginning of puberty. I'm not convinced that I may be slightly academically developed, thought I'm certainly still working on that, but I am severely developmentally delayed. I'm in college and just now starting to think guys are cute. What is going on?!

Finals Week Is Upon Us

Many of you out there are aware that it is finals week. Whether you are in school currently or not, it's all over my Facebook and I hope I'm not the only one. Due to this dreadful week, I have good news and bad news. Ready?

Bad:
I got a 76% on my pharmacology math final. That is because I did it mostly by hand and I'm sure my math was incorrect. So, I get a B- for that class. Moral of the story: before taking a math exam, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PENCILS AND CALCULATOR IN BACKPACK/BAG!!! They were conveniently situated on my bedside table at home when I arrived at the final. Terrible, terrible day. I hate getting a bad grade when I knew the material but forgot my tools at home. Totally my bad, but it suck all the same.

I was unable to bring my Patho grade up beyond a B-. Again, my bad for slacking the first part of the semester.

Basic assessment class finishes with a B- due to unknown circumstances. Really, I had no idea what was going on in that course and we were not tested on anything that we were taught... I have good news about this class later.

I'm an all around grump for being mere fractions of percentages away from a straight up B but couldn't break through. That's so frustrating!

Good:
While I am disappointed with my Basic Assessment class overall, I did get a 90% on the final and a 99% on my final assessment evaluation! The teacher originally marked me as 100% because I think she likes me for some reason, but I admitted that I forgot one part so she took a point back. Still, I am so very pleased with that grade!!!

I got a B in Pharmacology! A 92% on my final made sure that I not only passed but I got a B instead of a C or that dreaded B-! Praise the L-rd for getting me through that class and giving me a gracious teacher that pretty much gave us a play-by-play study guide so we could rock the final. Plus, she let us use our books on the test before this. G-d certainly had his hand on my in that class because that was my most difficult one.

In my Foundations course, we have a final worth 10% of our overall grade, but even if I don't take it, I can get a solid B. I may not even show up tomorrow. Well, maybe I ought to, just so I know that I worked to try to get at least one A this semester. Sheesh, it's so disappointing to know that I will never be a 4.0 student EVER in my nursing school career, but hey, by the grace of G-d I may just graduate and pass the NCLEX. That, plus a caring heart and maybe a couple other things, will allow me to pursue my dream to become a full-fledged nurse. Mainly, that's what I want. The OCD side of me, though, wanted a 4.0. Unfortunately, that didn't even happen my first semester... Oh well.

Finally, I PASSED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF NURSING SCHOOL!!! Most people say it gets slightly easier after this because we are building on this first semester knowledge. I sure hope so.

Down in a Valley

Mere hours ago I was encouraged and happy. Right now, I have been slammed down to the bottom of a valley. It was quick and gave me major whiplash but it's nothing I can't recover from.

Here's the problem: Life was fine and dandy and then work called. You know that heart sinking feeling when you see them on the caller i.d.? It's brutal. The thought flashed through my mind, don't answer it. In hindsight, it was probably the L-rd trying to keep me from trouble. Well, not real trouble, just the great regret that comes from signing on for shifts at my current CNA job.

Needless to say, I answered the phone anyhow. My manager asked if I wanted to work tomorrow (Friday) but I told her I had class. Then she asked if I could work Saturday. That's a big fat NO. She remembered right away and took it back but not before asking me to work next Friday. Man alive! This lady does not quit. I'm thinkin' someone quit recently or got fired because there are a whole lot of shifts open that were not there a few days ago.

Would you know that my nursing class decided to plan a party for the same night? I learned about it just after I accepted that stinkin' shift. They are fixin' to go to a nice dinner and then go ice skating. I've wanted to go ice skating for years!

So, instead of having fun with my class to celebrate passing our first semester of nursing school, I will be covering someone else's shift at a job that makes my stomach hurt and gives me a headache just thinking about it. My body is filled with dread. I think I may be developing ulcers.

Question is: Should I go ahead and call back saying that I already had plans that I did not realize when she called me the first time? Truly, I did have plans, they just changed from Thursday night to Friday night unexpectedly. However, do I really want to go out spendin' a bunch of my money, spending time with people that I only barely like? It'll be better than working until 11 p.m. with resident's who are sun-downing and a partner who will bestow a great deal of stress upon me for either not hardly working or for working too fast and not giving me a chance to put my residents to bed.

What do I do?

Bible Study Realization

Folks, I had a major realization today. It happened while sitting in a Panera studying and minding my own business. All of a sudden, a guy's college Bible study group came and sat next to me. They started a typical, simple study. Reading out of the Bible, straight up, and discussing it in their own simple words. At that, it dawned on me, I'm not alone. I'm not the only person striving for purity in my college atmosphere. There are other people. We are hidden in the background until given a chance to share the hope that we have in the L-rd. Rarely does it come up in everyday conversation, but it is comforting knowing that there are more people out there like me!

My brother's friend, who looks like he should be in a death metal band (because he is), goes to church every Sunday. When you talk to him, he is so incredibly innocent and kind. Guys, this is how G-d reaches out to all types of people. He employs us, with all of our vastly unique, to reach every nook and cranny of the human population. How encouraging is that?

Of course, I knew/know that I am not alone, but it gets lonely you know? For so long, I haven't met many people who share faith with me. Then, after I had been yearning for others that are working to talk out their faith, G-d reveals them to me when I least expect it. I did not talk to them, nor do I know who they are. I know that they are working on their relationship with G-d, as I am, and they go to my university. There is a community out there of people my age with similar faith as me, I just have to find it.

Today, I am very thankful that G-d brought me to Panera to be witness to their Bible study and discussion. Stay strong in your faith everyone. Grow in your relationship with The Almighty and ask for His guidance in life. Ask forgiveness from G-d and those you have affected. Finally, love everyone, regardless of what has happened or what they have done.

"Good Work!"...?

The other day I was scrolling through Facebook, just procrastinating. I happened upon a picture of a guy I used to go to church with (and had a minor 4 year crush on) who had pictures of himself and his new girlfriend. There are so many problems with this, it's just not even funny.

First of all, he was dating a girl who also goes to the church he belongs to. They dated for a few months and were seriously considering marriage. Why? I don't know. A massive reason probably has to do with the fact that they both go to Christian colleges and they have known each other since they were like 3 and now they are approaching 20. All of a sudden, they break up. The church they attend consists of 150 people, on a good day and they push maybe 100 on normal Sundays. Good news is that they are both living at college right now. He is at a seminary college in Florida and she is attending some Christian college in another state so they are apart and their relationship was basically over Facebook, Skype, and the occasional school break when they would come home. Anyway, they broke up.

Remember how I said I had a 4 year crush on the kid until about 4 years ago? It turns out that he had had a crush on me too! Little bugger never hinted at it or made a move, but he told my brother... HE TOLD MY BROTHER!!! and every other person in the whole church! Why on earth would anyone ever do something like that? Everyone knows that rumors spread faster'n wild fire in a church. Also, his dad was the children's pastor. Guess what I got to be for our Christmas play when I was about 10. I was Mary while this guy was Joseph. I should have seen it. How embarrassing! The whole church knew that he liked me and he used his dad to get us married for our big production. Please forgive me, I just realized this whole scheme as I was typing. It never occurred to me in the last 8 years and just hit me like a ton of bricks. So, that happened.

The real reason for this whole spiel? One of the comments on his picture of his new girlfriend was, "Wow dude, good work! She is gorgeous!"

Do I really need to explain? We are not trophies!!! Guys work to see our hearts, but we are not some object to be congratulated over just because we are pretty. That kid that commented does not know if she is smart, kind, gracious, prayerful, generous, funny, or anything besides the fact that she is good looking. When did we, as girls, become just arm candy instead of a valued partner in the journey of life? When did we stop being equal and helpful to guys and turned into an award or something that causes the guy's friends to be jealous?

I need to go, I can feel my blood pressure rising. But girls, have pride in the wonderful heart G-d has put inside you. Develop your relationship with G-d first. Then, find a boy who appreciates that aspect of you and then comes to appreciate your physical beauty, all in due time. Also, make sure you stand up for yourself. If he, or his friends, start to see you as an object as opposed to an equal human being, stand up for yourself!

Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion and I'm getting caught up in my feminist ways.

Ladies, I know you can make your own decisions so take my opinions with a grain of salt. Just make sure you're decisions line up with what the Good Book says and life won't be easy, but it'll be significantly easier than it could be.


Also, Victoria's Secret Fashion Show takes place tonight. That's another novel in itself and I don't have time for that.

Good night y'all.

IT Job Has Never Been Better

So, are y'all familiar with my sudden realization of guys that happened this summer? Well, if not, I have been living life so simply, not understanding what my girl friends meant when they thoughts guys were cute. For the first 19 years of my life, I was gloriously ignorant of male beauty. *Note, I do not objectify them, I just appreciate their dark eyes and the fact that they seem to be down to earth.* Anyway, I must have hit my head or something this summer because now I'm seeing guys I think are cute EVERYWHERE!

*I just thought this picture was funny. It has hardly anything to do with the following post besides mentioning country boys...*

Folks, this is a huge inconvenience. It gets really bad when I'm at my IT job (which is sitting in the library until a student has a question) when I should be studying, but I start watching these handsome guys walking by and I get absolutely nothing done all day.

So, today at work I must have had 3-5 guys come and ask for my help. Well, they had minor problems and I didn't even have to leave my desk to help them. Regardless, they were stinkin' cute and they were wearing Carhartt, Wranglers, and camo to boot! They were also wearing boots but I figured that went without saying. They smiled at me and talked to me like I knew what I was doing and they said please and thank you. I know these are simple things, but this is getting bad. For some reason, I find myself really attracted to country boys. I'm fairly country myself, but there are more to boys than their dress. However, most guys don't dare roll with the country fashion if they aren't actually country boys. Now, this is becoming a more popular "style" but us girls can see straight through them silly city boys.

I'm kinda stereotyping here, but all the boys I've met from the country tend to be well-mannered, polite, kind, and most are not players (minus Country Boy). I'm sure I'm wrong on some of these accounts, but they are my kind of people. I need some mud on my shoes, red dirt decorating my car, and people who know how to hunt/fish/have a proper bonfire! One last thing: SWEET TEA! I need others who can make it right and who like it. I've found so many people who don't like it and I die a little inside each time they say that.

This is just because I found it cute and wanted pictures in this post:

Moral of story: I think my hormones have finally reached my brain, and I mean that in the least technical sense possible because I know that's not how hormones work. Also, being a girl has become hugely inconvenient because I can no longer just be this independent, single person who just so happens to be a girl, I am now learning about attraction. Ugh, somebody pray for me!

Friday Night Adventure

I'm the kind of girl who does hardly anything besides work and school. Part of this is due to the fact that I procrastinate throughout the week so I must get caught up on Friday and Sunday, leaving Saturday for Sabbath rest, of course.

Anyway, today (well, yesterday by now) I had quite the adventure.

1) My washing machine broke a few days ago so I put in a work order a while ago. After about a week of having my washing machine out of commission, we were brought a brand new one today from the apartment complex. The maintenance guys brought it up a whole flight of narrow stairs and hooked it right up. Beautiful!

2) About an hour after the maintenance guys left, I called them because my pipes froze. Folks, it's so cold here right now and we are getting so much snow that class was cancelled for me today and some kids have gotten at least 2 snow days this week! Anyway, the poor guys came back to my apartment and cut holes in the drywall that cover the pipes so they could get heat to the pipes. They finally thawed and that little fact made me so happy. No burst pipes and now my water is running properly again!

3) Went out to dinner and we talked for 4 hours. That's a long time for us, but it was therapeutic. We were able to talk about things that w experienced together last year but never really discussed and I think we made some headway in our current problems. During the dinner I missed two calls, one from my mom and another from my brother. My mom simply called to talk to me about my Facebook post about #1 and 2. Why? I don't know but I love that she's concerned about us. My brother called and texted me to say that he could not start his car so he got a ride home.

4) Went home to take an online quiz. Studied for about 3 hours and got a 76.67%. Surprisingly, I was pleased with this because it is passing. Then, off to get my brother's car working.

5) Folks, it was so cold that night (in the double digit negatives), I had to use the ice scraper on the INSIDE of my car! NOT COOL!!! Anyway, I drove my brother to the university campus where his car was parked and we fiddled with it for about 20 minutes before he decided we needed jumper cables. Neither of us had them so we drove to the closest gas station which was about 15 minutes away. They didn't sell any so the attendant let us borrow his! How generous, he lent his jumper cables to a teen boy about a half hour past midnight. Then we drove back to campus, messed with it again for about 45 minutes with no success and decided to try a different tactic. One last trip to the gas station to return the cables and we drove back again to campus.

Conversation on the way back to campus:

Him: So, you have a choice as to how we do this thing. I can make the tow strap short or long. It's up to you.

Me: What does it matter?

Him: If it's short, then I won't hit you so hard when you brake and my brakes don't work. If it's longer, then there is less of a chance that I will hit you because I will have more time to brake but when I do hit you, it'll be significantly harder...

Me:... DON'T YOU BREAK MY CAR!

Him: Don't worry, that's why you have a spare tire on the back of your car.

6) Tow strap in place, flashers on, and my brother steering his car and me driving mine, we head back to our apartment. The beauty of speaker phone on our cell phones amazes me. With several inches of snow on all the roads, snow still falling, my brother's car's power steering not working and minimal breaks (plus no working e-brake) we made our way home. The drive began at 1:10 a.m. and we went a whopping 5 miles an hour nearly all the way home because we took the back-roads. On the final leg of the journey, however, we were cruising at 15 mph on the main road! Home at 1:45 or so, we pushed his car into a parking spot and headed upstairs.

Off to bed. This post has not done my day justice but I'm exhausted and it's nearly 4 a.m. Praise the L-rd, He kept us safe on our towing adventure!

In such a short time

In the short amount of time that I was "home" for Thanksgiving, re-experienced many things I vowed to not revisit anymore. They aren't big things, but still not pleasant.

The first was visiting my church of 10 years, the one I grew up in. It is also the one that "kicked" our family out because we had differing opinions. They actually didn't kick us out, they just put us down and refused to cease making fun of our ideas and findings while they took a man's word on what G-d means instead of talking to Him about it. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I don't take too kindly to people raggin' on me when I can't fight back because I was 10 and all the old ladies were underestimating my ability to make my own decisions. Anyway, my brother was driving us and he decided to stop by the church. It was awkward. Only out old youth pastor was there, at first. For the initial 45 minutes that my brother and I were there, the youth pastor talked only to my brother (unless I interjected). It hurt, however, I did not cry or feel like crying after the visit. Normally I do because I suspected that he and his wife never cared for me and all of my past visits have confirmed this suspicion. I finally feel like I don't have to go back, nor do I want to go back ever again. This is healing and this is moving on with my life. No more focusing on the past and my hurt. I will learn from what has happened, but the bitterness is nearly gone and my experiences are allowing me to branch out to the outsiders that I encounter in my everyday life.

Also, I started reading for fun again! I love books. I read a whole book in a day. I also figured out how to get library books onto my iPad without ever leaving my house. What a beautiful invention! Someday, I hope that they increase the amount of ebooks online to be checked out from my local libraries because when I graduate and have some free time, I will likely go through all of them in a matter of months. Unfortunately, no books looked interesting except for romance novels. I have learned in the past that these make me quite bitter and angry for several months. Now, I should not be upset because G-d has protected my heart on so many occasions from being broken in frivolous relationships that would have clearly been dangerous. On the other hand, I tend to throw myself pity parties during/after reading these types of books because I find myself wanting that sort of attention. I want love and a guy to look at me and think: hey, I love this girl so much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. In reality, I think I want the assurance that there is someone committed to me and we pledge and make a binding contract to stay together. Does this really mean that we will live a long happy life married to only each other and be madly in love until we die in each others arms while sleeping one night because we are extremely old and G-d decides to take us home? (run-on, I know. They get worse as my thoughts begin to spill uninterrupted) Absolutely not. I have seen marriages with a firm foundation based on G-d be broken because of unexpected death or a poor decision to sleep with another person in a moment of inappropriate passion and bad judgement. I have witnessed the pain and total brokenness of families and the faces of distraught children over these matters. Marriages that were seen as the model for the church and were expected to go the distance have crumbled. Lives were shattered and pain is left with the rubble.

Having said all that, is it worth it to even desire marriage? I am a pessimist and an analyst. One of my many motto's is: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. In order to prepare for the worst, I imagine and observe as many bad scenarios as possible so that I can formulate plans of action to avoid or weather the storms that will occur. So, I see the bad that can come from a situation and expect it. I plan for people taking advantage of me (in marriage, friendships, and everywhere). I assume that people get enough of me so that I don't push myself onto people to avoid them becoming burnt out with me. I try to avoid situations that can lead to pain and therefore often just stay at home and refuse human contact. Even still, I have this desire to have a boyfriend. Folks, if you are confused then I apologize, but this even has me at a loss for words. I want something but I don't want it all at the same time. It's like my "heart" and my head are having a war because I know dating is dangerous (logical reasoning from my head) but my heart is wanting to be loved and to feel butterflies and I want to see someone get tongue tied because they find me beautiful and worthy of their love and affection. I want a beau and a husband and children and a family of my own. Yet, the thought of this is terrifying because so much can go wrong.

I started journaling questions that I ask G-d. Recently it's regarding the purpose of marriage, the reason of life, what I am supposed to be doing, and my purpose. Also, why does the Bible mention things like David was handsome and Esther was the most beautiful woman in the land if it also tells us to not see a person's exterior as much as we focus on their actions and what those tell us about their heart? This started because I still have no idea of the purpose of marriage. I asked my friend, who is Catholic, what marriage means to her. She went on and on about how she wants the Cinderella charmed life. I told her that I felt G-d was telling me that there is more and that there is a deeper purpose. She refuted the idea and told me that I over-think everything. While this is true, I don't think I would have this nagging thought that there is something more if there is not something the Ruach Hakodesh (Holy Spirit) is trying to get me to understand. It's such a frustrating feeling but it's also good because I know that He is trying to talk to me and reveal something monumental to me. I'll keep you updated on what He shows me.

Well, enough procrastinating. I have to go start and finish my paper. Major writer's block for academic writings today.

I had a group presentation and it went really well today. We talked about euthanasia... Not a fun subject. My campus also closed down due to weather issues. We were hoping for a snow day all day because the roads were awful. All of a sudden, during other group presentations, someone announces randomly that school was cancelled! (We have a text message system through the school that alerts us of campus closings and everything.) Then they said that the snow day did not start until after our class finished about an hour later. Such disappointment!!! Anyway, I almost had a snow day and nearly got out of my group presentation. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. C'est la vie.