Lies Are Building

I don't know if you guys remember or not, but when fiance asked me to marry him the first time, he didn't ask my dad for permission first. This was one thing I asked him to do because I feel it shows respect to my dad to ask for my hand. Fast-forward about 5-6 months and he finally asked my dad Thursday night.

Now, dad has unmedicated and unofficially diagnosed bipolar disorder (type 2) as evidence by my DSM-V book and the fact that a lot of his side of the family has it. I'm talking most everyone has it. Anyway, fiance called my dad telling him he wanted to meet up to talk. Dad immediately called me and flipped the fuck out! Sorry for the bad language, there is a lot of anger in my heart. Yes, I still believe in the L-rd and I'm sure he's not happy with my language but I digress and I'm terribly sorry for the bad words. Anyway, dad told him he could marry me.

Next day, dad called and started yelling at me again. He went on and on while I sat crying silently on the other end. My mom called during my "talk" with him and I called her back when he was done. Mom was so great about calming me down, telling me to ignore dad and just get ready and be happy for the special night with fiance. I proceeded to yell and vent about my entire family being bat shit crazy for another 45 minutes. I know I'm not supposed to call people that are mentally ill crazy, even if I am too, but they are. I don't call others, well I really try not to call others crazy because I know these are things they can't help. But honestly, my family and I really need to get on some meds and get this shit sorted out because I'm sick of having nobody on my side because they are all so consumed in their feelings and they leave and stop talking to people when they get mad at the dumbest things. Dad could have told fiance his true feelings. Instead, he told fiance yes and yelled at me because he regretted that decision.

That night, I had a birthday dinner planned for the fiance. We went to a nice dinner. I had gone dress shopping with his mom so that I could find a really pretty dress to wear for him. I did my hair and make up and I was looking really good. Fiance talked to the staff at the restaurant and planned for them to come and sing happy birthday to him, but instead of just that, he was planning to ask me again to marry him in public.

I said yes and he gave me a new ring because the other one got stolen.

The past few days have consisted of me going home to my parent's house where my dad proceeded to ignore me and refuse to talk to my mom or I. They are now planning to separate in the spring because dad thinks life would be better without us because apparently my brother and I stress him out too much. Fiance and I are fighting because of what he told dad when he went up to talk with him. Fiance thinks it's bullshit that I told him that my dad has been yelling at my mom and I for the past few days when dad told fiance he could ask me to marry him. I think it's bullshit too but what do I do? Fiance says the only time he wants to dump me is when my family is being a pain in he ass and not wanting us to get married. Right now, I don't even really want to get married. I'm over this nonsense.

To make it better, I asked about his "dead" wife. He won't give me any straight answers about when she died or where she is buried and I'm angry that he gets so defensive when I do ask because I think that means he might be lying. I went through his Facebook the other day because it was his birthday and I was just looking at the birthday wished. Then, posts started getting more interesting. He told me he's only had one girlfriend besides his wife and me. When I was going through his page, he kept talking about other girlfriends, like 3-4 by name and others without naming them directly. The girl he also said was dead has been posting on her Facebook page up until the end of November of this year. He told me she's been dead for at least 2-3 years. So, I plan on asking him where she is buried, when she died, and what her last name was. The pictures of her that he showed me look an awful lot like this other girl that I found that is alive. I sent a message to her without any specifics in it yet, to see if she would even be willing to talk to me about him. So, we will see. I tried to talk to him when he was over at my place last night but he told me he just doesn't like talking about it. However, I do better asking him over the phone for some reason, then I can have a paper with all of my questions on it too to help guide me. Then, if he's lying, I plan on sending the ring back in the mail and never talking to him again. Whether I take legal pursuit for the other bad things he's done to me or not will remain unknown for right now. I plan on talking to his other "girlfriends" to see why they broke up with him and what happened in their relationships to see if we may all need to ban together for legal action.

So, that is how I went from happiness to complete and utter disparity and anger in a matter of minutes.

Wedding of a Friend

A friend of mine got married today to a really sweet girl. He is from my Messianic Congregation and I don't know how he met her, but she's been attending the congregation for awhile now too.

I truly hope they have a great life and I pray that their marriage is blessed.

With all the well wishes, I can't help but grieve the dreams of mine that were dashed. Little did I know my life would change so drastically in a year. It was New Year's Day at about 0100 in the morning that I met exboyfriend. I didn't know he would take my first kiss. I didn't know that my world would be shattered. I didn't know that my dreams of any type of a Happily Ever After would go up in flames just a few short months later.

I truly do try to be happy for my friends who get to live in their happy little fairy tales while I am getting beat to death by the reality of the turn my life took because a guy that I was introduced to along the way refused to keep his hands and other appendages to himself. I thought it was bad watching friends get married when I was single. This is so much worse.

I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I am a very grounded person and I have no illusions that married life will be unicorns and rainbows like many of my friends tend to believe. So, why then was this the path that I have to walk? Why is it that I was given this burden? Why is my dream of a simple life burnt to the ground when all I've ever tried to do is be kind and try to follow the L-rd.

I'm slipping from Him lately. It's hard to see His light at the end of the tunnel when there are so many goblins and trolls along my journey to get to Him.

I miss who I used to be. I wish I would have never met him and I wish my life was the way it was a year ago. If it was, I know I could survive. Right now, it's dicey to know if I'll wake up in the morning or not.

Application for Graduation is IN!!!

Folks, I got an email today explaining how to apply for graduation! Yay! I'm almost done with this hell that is nursing school. Right now I'm excited. Someday soon, I will be sad I didn't do more during college.

So, I am conflicted with how to feel.

Therefore, I'll focus on the happiness. I'm nearly done with nursing school and I am on track to finish college with a degree in just a few months. Praise the L-rd for bringing me through all the days I was certain I should drop out.

ALMOST DONE!

Fiance's Plea

He found the scars.

He asked what they were from, I refused to answer so he told me to leave. As I was leaving, he called me back.

He guessed the whole thing. He understood and he knew before he even asked. He was asking, hoping I wouldn't tell him what he already knew.

He held me and asked questions that I hated to answer. Reasons were always there when it was happening, but when asked I had no words to explain.

I cried. I cried like I haven't in months.

He is angry. He is sad. He is hurt. Most of all, I think he's scared. He, like everyone, thought he would be able to fix me. He told me counseling is stupid and a waste of time, when I was going. Now that I'm not going and he understands how bad I've been struggling, now he is begging me to go back.

Thing is, I already know what the counselor will say. So, why would I go?

After sleeping on it, and wondering about my reasons for hours, they are coming back.

• I hate what has been done to my body at the hands of other people.
• I hate that I have lost all my friends because they dug too deep then high-tailed it out, leaving me alone. So alone.
• There are rumors being spread about me by my own extended family, but none of them will tell me what is going on. The only thing they say is that there are rumors and that I should go ask someone else in the family what they are.
• I cannot stand going to class because of a select few people who trample all over the rest of the class. 
• I start crying at work because I don't think I do well at my job, my patients do not really care if they get better, I'm with them to keep them safe from themselves. Thus, the nurses and rest of the staff avoid the room at all costs.
• I do not see any type of "light at the end of the tunnel" after graduation, or in the rest of my life.
• I used to want to get married, have kids, and start a future. I no longer want to bring other beings into the world and I don't see how anyone will want to marry someone who is no longer pure. Plus, I don't want my kids to go through what I've been through, or worse.
• I don't want to be here anymore.

I Swear, I'm Gonna Drop Kick Somebody

Fiance went back to work a couple weeks ago. Fortunately, instead of traveling a couple states away, he was able to stay in our same state, just drive a couple hours to the new site he was assigned to. Since he is so close, I went up to visit him over the weekend. In talking while I was there, I started crying. I couldn't really explain to him why between sobs, and also because my mind was just drawing a blank. I can't put into words the feelings I get sometimes, I just knew that I was sad and angry and for some reason the tears started pouring while I was there with him. So, he hugged me until the tears stopped, then we went out for lunch.

A couple days after that, once I was back home, he was texting me but I was asleep and my phone was on silent. He texted once, then texted again an hour later. A few hours after that, he asked if I was okay because I wasn't responding.  A short while after that text, I woke up and looked at my phone. 5 texts! Only three were from him, one from roomie, and another from Dad. Anyway, fiance and I started talking and I told him I had just been asleep. However, we started talking about how I was doing, why I was mad and sad (because of ExBF). He asked me to go back to counseling.

When I first started counseling, he told me he thought it was a waste of time. I agreed because after three sessions, I had gotten nowhere in the sexual assault area of my life and I was sick of wasting time and money driving from Hometown down to College town (an hour to an hour and a half of driving). So, I cancelled my appointments and stopped going. Four months later, my flashbacks are not so bad and I'm not having so many nightmares anymore. Despite these things, my depression is the darkest it's ever been.

Before going into the relationship with fiance, I told him I have depression and bipolar. He told me that he doesn't believe in those and that I should just get over being sad. He also asked if I've ever been clinically diagnosed by a doctor, to which I replied I have not. Why do I need to go get a doctor diagnose me when I have the DSM-V book with all symptoms and I know that there is a family history of bipolar and undiagnosed bipolar that is being treated as depression? Logically, I don't feel I need an official diagnosis because that just puts a label on me that I don't want. Then meds will be prescribed to me that I don't want to be on and I will have a whole host of other problems that I do not want or need to deal with.

Now, he is probably the 5th person that has asked me to go back to counseling but nobody listens to me to know why I refuse to go back or to listen to the problems that I have at whatever time they ask. They think that counseling is a "fix" for my "temporary" problem. That's ridiculous. If you've read my earlier posts, you can see that this problem will never go away. Seeing as I had depression before the whole ExBF thing, that just means that my base-line depression is worse than it was before. I'll survive and learn to deal. I'm not going back to counseling, that was bullsh!t.

So, I tell my friends nothing, they are now starting to worry. That's bullsh!t too because they don't want to hear what I have to say but they feel like they need to know what's going on in my life. Oh my gosh people, pick a freakin' side! If you want to know, then deal with what I tell you. You don't have to live with it, I do. You'll survive (not you, my friends). If you tell me you don't want to know what's happening in my life and in my head, then don't frickin' ask! I have no way of winning with anyone because they don't understand that they are asking for contradictions to happen.

If one more person asks me, I'm just going to flat out tell them that the last time they asked what was going on, they tried to tell me what to do and then asked me to stop telling them things. Then they started pulling away and not being around me anymore. So, I stop telling them things, and then they want to start digging in my business again. I'm going to tell them that I can't handle learning to depend on people and then get ditched by them because they can't handle my sh!t. So, I am choosing to deal with it on my own the way I have my whole life. I will tell them that I will listen to their good and bad news, their struggles, and what they are excited about. But I am going to ask them/tell them not to be offended when I don't open up to them because I tried that and it obviously didn't work at all.

And if one more person tells me to go to counseling, sit in a chair, and start babbling on about random crap that pops into my head, I will drop kick them. I know they mean well, but I need to be able to feel like I am making decisions in my own life. They might be bad ones, but I'm learning. I can't do what everyone tells me to do because everyone tells me to do something completely different with my life and none of them have lived in my shoes. I also need to have some illusion that I have some control over what happens to me from now on.

Being sexually assaulted takes away any semblance of maybe having control over what happens to your own body, so I need to not feel out of control anymore. Honestly, everyone tries to take away what little power I have over my life and my healing by telling me what to do because they don't think I can make my own decision. That tells me that they believe it is my fault that I got into the situation I got into. They don't know how I fought, how scared I was, how my brain shut off, and I pretty much blacked out. These are all coping mechanisms and completely normal psychological responses to trauma. Hindsight, I wish I could have changed a lot of things and completely prevented it in the first place. Alas, that is not possible and right now I hate my life because of it. Don't take away my last chance of feeling like I might be able to make it through this without completely shutting down and not leaving my bed for food or water. I'm one step away from not having the strength or energy to take another breath, don't take that away from me.

I love you all (yes you, those who read my incessant babbling). I know you all mean well and want to help me. Mostly, it helps that you read this, or don't. This blog is pretty much my diary. I appreciate that I have somewhere to vent about everything, and anything that is going on in my life.

Not As Crazy As I Believe

I talked to a good buddy of mine. She's in nursing school with me and she knows Roomie (new) really well. I was talking with her, let's call her Millie (I just made up that name). We were talking about plans after graduation and where we wanted to live.

Then we got on the subject of why I was thinking about not moving to Mema's town to work in her hospital anymore. I told her that it seems that every time I live with someone, then it seems to wreck the relationship. Explaining further, I told her that I can come to class and be okay, and maybe even happy because I'm with my friends. Then, I can go about my day and deal with my own nonesense without them seeing that. However, when I live with people, I can't get away from them and they start to see my dark side. They watch the moods, the crazy amounts of sleep I get, my eating habits, and they know about my general moods at all points of the day/week.

This usually ruins my good friendships because nobody can handle me when I'm trying to handle my own stuff. That leads to questions. I can tell them I don't want to talk about it, but then they get upset that I'm not opening up. Other times, or after a long time of building trust, I start to share a molecule of an elephant with them. There are hundreds of elephants (problems) in my backyard (my mind) and I only share a molecule of ONE elephant with them. Nobody seems to be able to handle this little tiny bit and so they shut down, stop talking with me, and I feel like shit for sharing with them because now they have to carry that burden. This adds another elephant to my backyard.

So, I have two options: 1) don't share, continue to handle my own stuff because I know I can, and spare them the pain of dealing with any part of my burden, but deal with them being sad because I won't open up or 2) get close to them, share a bit of my life after awhile, start to trust them and rely on them to be there for me, and lose them when they realize that I'm not someone who can be saved and what I deal with is heavy, so heavy.

There's no winning.

I went through all of this with Millie and she told me she totally understands. She also told me that she doesn't share with Roomie, and also that Roomie has tried to dig into her (Millie's) life before too. I have been told that Beauty is good at digging and has tried to dig into many other people's lives as well. So, I'm not the only one finding these two friends of ours doing these things. Therefore, I'm not as crazy and I believe I am!

Also, we were sitting after clinicals, talking about some of the projects we are doing together as a clinical group. Some of the girls mentioned one of the other members and started venting about her frustration at the way the member tries to change everything we do and tell us all what to do. Now, the ones that were venting about this person are people that I get frustrated for doing the exact same things, but I'm glad that I am not the only one finding this about this particular member of the group. Out of 7 of us, there are 3 moms (all very used to taking control and all fighting for the control of our group all the time), 2 type-A people that assist in giving me headaches, and one other girl who, like me, does not give a flying rip about what we do. The other girl and I are just trying to survive the semester without banging our head against a wall all the time from the frustration we have at constantly being told 17 different things to do by the 3 taking control and the two type-A-er's.

I thought I was going crazy because I figured everyone was all hunky dory with everyone else in our group. Turns out, the same things and people that frustrate me are the same things/people that are irritating others. I'm not as crazy as I believe!

Ultimately, that realization was nice to have today. I'm glad that I'm not the only one thinking all these things and experiencing these stresses.

One of these days, I'll learn my lesson. One day I will learn that no matter how close I get to someone, I cannot tell them what's going on in my head. One day, I will go somewhere new, where I no nobody at all. I will start over and they will know nothing of my past. I will be cheery around them and save my baggage for myself and unload it when I am home alone. One day, I will learn. People can't handle the molecule, or even atom, that they ask to know. They just can't handle it. One day, I will learn this.

For now, I will get used to the loneliness that I had put aside because people wanted to get close. I will learn to deal with my shit on my own, again. I will move on and try to keep fighting another day. It will get easier again. I will be fine.

Mental Illness

Today I read a post/article about having friends and loved ones that struggle with mental illness.

11 Things Those Who Love A Person With Mental Illness Should Know

I actually found it so helpful and true that I sent it to fiance, but I so wished I could send it to all of my friends and family.

I was going through Pinterest one night at work because I was sad and sometimes it helps me to go through the depression posts on Pinterest because it lets me know that what I experience and think isn't isolated to just myself. It also helps me put words to my tendencies and feelings because sometimes it's hard to describe what I'm going through and what is happening in my head to other people.

Through this search, I found that I am not the only one that goes through isolation because their friends start asking what's wrong and they keep digging. This digging then leads to them asking me to stop talking to them about what is happening in my head because they can't handle the fraction of a percent of the darkness I share with them. I'm not alone in this. Apparently, it happens quite frequently.

So, just a note to those of you who have friends and family (everybody): don't ask if you aren't prepared to actually help and continue to hear about the darknesses and struggles in the lives of those around you. I keep having friends who see me struggling and they think they can somehow help me. Guys, I've struggled with this most of my life and I have not come across a person or thing that can help me yet. G-d helps a lot, but life happens and my head gets messed up again. That's just how it works. However, I am sick of friends and family thinking they can save me, but after a little bit, they realize they can't even deal with my struggles and so they leave me or ask me to stop talking to them. This is absolutely devastating to me and to the others that go through this.

1. Don't get close and ask people questions if you are not entirely prepared to be able to stick with them and truly help them. They deal with their darkness just fine without you, they've likely done it for a long time. 
2. Don't ask them questions, give them hope of having support, and then ditch them when you start to hear just a little bit of what they have to deal with. That's cruel.
3. Don't think that they be "fixed" by something you do. 
4. Don't give them unsolicited advice. They know what to do, they know what works best for them. It's not good to tell them (us) what to do because you don't live our life. You have a friend with chronic major depression and you have gone through a slight bout of depression? That doesn't mean you know how to "fix" this for them. Everyone goes through their mental illnesses in unique ways. You can absolutely be there for them and give advice if they ask, but don't tell them what to do.
5. Don't ask them why they don't take meds, go to the doctor, or go to therapy. Professional help is good, but don't tell us what to do, that can make us shut down and when we don't do what you tell us to do, we know you're more likely to ditch us anyway.
6. Don't force them to talk if they don't want to talk. Chances are, they've been burned before so they are wary of opening up to anyone else because they have seen the ugliness that that brings about in your life and theirs. So, i they don't want to talk, then don't force it.
7. Don't dig. This goes along the same lines as the last one. But if they say they are fine and you know it's a lie, just leave it. I know that personally, it is easier to deal with my darkness alone and not fess up to being upset, than it is to say I'm having a bad day and then have to explain it to whoever asked.
8. Don't use them. Don't use them as an excuse. Don't overextend them just because you know they will help, this can make depression and a whole host of other mental illnesses worse for the sufferer. Don't use them as an example. Just don't.
9. Don't tell them to just get over it. No, we cannot just "get over it". If we could, don't you think we would have? Living with mental illness is not something we enjoy, it's way harder for us than it is for you to watch us, I promise.
10. Don't think we don't know it's hard for you. I've watched people struggle with mental illness and it's rough. I understand wanting to help them but not knowing how. I know what it is like to wish that they were back to their normal self, the person that I adore and know. 
11. Don't play the victim. It may be hard for you to hear what we go through, but you don't have to live it and you're only hearing and seeing a tiny bit of what occurs in our heads.
12. Don't take their moods personally. Sad days are going to happen regardless of whether you are there or not. Just accept that we will have bad days that have nothing to do with you even if we are with you all day.
13. Don't call them crazy. That's just mean. We aren't crazy, we are just have brains that don't control their hormones at proper levels so then we have "off" days. We aren't crazy.
14. Don't assume they don't know how to handle their mental illness. Oftentimes, they've dealt with their problems for a long time. Even if they haven't, they will find ways that help them or other ways that may make them worse.
15. Sometimes, just sometimes, it's okay to let them have a bad day. It's okay, it's going to happen. Even if they seem like they've been getting better, bad days will happen again. Occassionally, it's alright to just let them happen. Make sure they are safe, without digging or hurting their feelings, and then ask them if they want company or to talk. Ask them if you can help in someway. If they say no, don't take it personally. If they say yes, be prepared for tough stuff and make sure you stick around and support them how they need.
16. Don't make excuses to stay away from them. Are you finding yourself having a rough time dealing with what they are telling you? Don't just ditch them and don't bullshit your way out of spending time with them. You can be honest with them that what they are experiencing is difficult. Let them know that you cannot imagine going through what they are going through. Then, most importantly, reassure them that you won't leave them, no matter how hard it might be for you. Most importantly, keep the promise that you won't leave them by not leaving them. That doesn't mean stay with them 24/7, but just maintain the friendship and keep talking with them.
17. Don't act weird around us, we're people too. We have feelings and personalities and we are usually fantastic to get to know! We might just have difficulties with brain chemistry or something. Be patient with us and remember who we are on our good days.
18. Be patient. There are days when I don't get out of bed all day except to pee. I actually have had weekends where I sleep for a solid 3-4 days except for peeing. Leave us be and we will come out when we are ready. Sometimes we need to do other stress relieving things. I happen to take drives. I'll drive for hours to clear my head, be alone, and also listen to music. That's okay, let us do that if it helps. Sometimes I walk around stores for hours on end, just wandering. Sometimes playing piano helps or certain types of crafts. Occasionally, just being able to veg out with a children's movie is enough to help me through some of the bad times. Just let it be and we will ask for help or company when we are ready.
19. Know that we value you. We understand that we are hard to be around, hard to be friends with, and difficult to love. We really do, I promise. Stick around because we appreciate you getting to know us in the first place and we would love for you to stick around with us. Hug us (after you ask if you can) if we seem to be having a hard time. We may not always verbalize it, but thank you for being with us through our ups and downs.
20. Take care of yourself too. If we are saying things that stress you out, make sure you get some stress relief for yourself. Please, don't share our stories with others unless we tell you that you can. But make sure to take care of yourself so that the temptation to leave us is not as strong and you don't get burned out from being friends with us. We love you, we worry about you too which is why we usually don't want to share our burdens with you. We know it's a lot and we don't want to dump the heaviness in our hearts and the darkness in our minds onto you.

A lot of these are kind of duplicates but I find it important for people to know. Mental illness can sometimes make us blunt, or difficult, or sensitive, or numb, or any number of combinations of strange traits. Mostly, you help us just by being with us, even when you don't say anything. My friends know I love coloring and watching kid movies when I'm having bad days. So, they break out the coloring books and turn on a kid movie to help me out. Other times, they walk me around the mall and have lunch with me while keeping their side of the conversation going so that I don't have to be the one to talk when my head is in a major fog. Still other times, they let me go home and sleep, then send me funny videos and pictures on Facebook. All of these little things help me know that they see me struggling, but they respect me enough to meet me where I'm at and they let me call the shots with how I cope with the situation at that time. This is so important to me and I appreciate it more than they will ever understand.

It Was Supposed to Get Better

            They said it would go away. They said that, with time, the memory would grow fainter, the nightmares would come way less frequently, and the flashbacks would cease. THEY lied. It’s been 6 months, I still get nightmares, the memory still jumps into my head several times a day, and the flashbacks occur multiple times a day and seem to be getting worse.

Also, talking with a person who was raped over 11 years ago, it doesn’t go away. The nightmares creep back into your nights so your relief from the memories you get bombarded with is no longer able to help you. The sensitivity to dirty jokes, certain movie scenes, and general situational depression turned chronic does not stop. None of these things go away.

A family member of mine was gang raped as a young child. After 4.5 decades, she still has nightmares and problems with it.

This nonsense will never go away.

Why do victims get false hope instilled by the professionals in charge of helping them through it and after it? Now, I don’t think it is on purpose, but it sucks having the hope that we will survive and potentially “get better” when in all reality, we will deal with this for the rest of our lives.

Compassion Fatigue

I absolutely love working in the hospital. It is so great getting to work on so many floors with so many different nurses, CNA's, and other staff members. It makes clinicals so amazing because I already know everyone and I have gotten quite a few job offers of sorts.

After the incident with EXboyfriend, I had been going down the sleep slope of compassion fatigue. I feel like I care for everyone else, and I do so with all that I have in my heart, but nobody cares for me. Everyone demands so much of me but nobody is willing to shoulder any of my burden, they won't even listen about my burden. So, I am getting increasingly more isolated (even from "close" friends and family) and yet everyone is demanding more and more from me.

I get it, everyone has their own problems and everyone needs help. I totally understand. However, why does it seem okay for everyone to just expect everything from me? Often without even asking if I'm willing to do things, they just assume that I will be available because apparently I have no life and no needs of my own.

• I don't have weekend plans so I can drive my 5 different friends who are on 5 completely different flights to the airport that is 2 and a half hours away, on a Friday night and Saturday morning, no less. 
• Sure, I will pay attention in class while you screw around on Pinterest in the back and then give you a play-by-play of exactly what happened in class and every important piece in information you need to know. 
• Sure, I will puppy sit all the puppies and not have any chance at a relaxing weekend or any chance at sleeping in. 
• Sure, I will be forced to make all the decisions for my school group and friend group and then be criticized at every turn because what I finally chose doesn't work for anyone but nobody else has a fucking idea of what they want to do. 

Because I have no life. I'm not allowed to have personal time where I don't have to be fake for anyone so that everyone can live in the illusion that I am okay because they can't handle me not being okay.

I'm not allowed to be selfish for one second. I have to take care of patients who need complete, total care and deal with nurses and CNA's who sometimes don't step foot in the room because the patient needs a sitter so I should be able to completely handle the patient all night long, alone.

I have to keep my shit together, not have any kind of support from anyone, be able to support everyone around me, and slap on a smile so that nobody knows what's going on in my dungeon of a mind.


So, I fight a battle nobody knows about. I have scars nobody has seen and nobody can ever understand. I am completely alone in this world carrying burdens that nobody will help me with. I carry pain with me that nobody can comprehend and I fight for every breath I take. I cry when I'm alone because for the first time in about 6 months, I am finally able to and sometimes I just need to feel something instead of the rage growing inside of me and the numbness from being completely unable to handle any of the immense troubles that weigh down every step I try to take. I am being crushed. I am being consumed absolutely alive by flames while simultaneously drowning and I get no relief anywhere or from anyone.


Oh, so this all led me to quit my job. I have to finish out another two months, or so, but I sent in my resignation letter to my boss last night during my shift. I don't know if I'll be able to be a nurse because I can't even take care of my own basic needs like sleeping or eating properly. How am I supposed to care for anyone else? My heart feels so empty anymore, I don't know if I have the capacity to care for anyone else anymore.

That was my news. Saying that I quit my job was the original purpose of this post but I went a little crazy... I'm sorry guys.

Sleep Disturbances

Let's start off by discussing how precious sleep it so me. First of all, I sleep an absolutely ridiculous amount. This is because of depression, I work nights, and it is my drug of choice when life is getting too hard and I need to escape. Lately, life is very difficult, I worked last night, and depression is probably at an all time high and the longest duration I think I've ever had it in my life. Therefore, I require a lot of sleep.

Oh, an I'm in nursing school. If you are not in nursing school but plan to be, just know that some of your vacations will be spent sleeping because you get NONE during school, especially if you work and go to school and ever want to see any other human being while you are in the program. Get used to living with coffee running as the fluids in your vasculature, blood is now overrated.

Did I mention I worked last night? Before work, I typically sleep from noon until about 5:30 so that I can get sleep before work so I will not be dozing off during my shift. Seeing as I sit in a dark room with a patient I am trying to get to sleep, but I need to not sleep, this nap is crutial to me keeping my job! Yesterday I got to sleep around 2, slept for about an hour before getting woken up. Oh the rage. Words do injustice to the anger coursing through my body after being woken up. I get grumpy anyway when I'm woken up. HOwever, when I am woken up after it was incredibly difficult to fall asleep, and it took another 45 minutes to get me back to sleep in the middle of the day, I was furious. I was woken up so that the dog could come and jump on my bed because roommate does not like her being alone when she leaves. The dog is fine alone, we leave her completely alone for hours and hours during the day when we have stuff to do, she will be fine for a couple of hours while I sleep so that I can work.

Today I had to go run errands before coming home after my shift. I waited at both of the stores I needed to go to because I got to both of them before opening time because I got off at a terrible hour in the morning and nobody should be up that early. I tried for the rest of the day to lay down and take a nap after that, but I just couldn't do it. I finally got to sleep around 4 then the damned dog came in 30 minutes later whining to go out. Exasperation consumed every atom that makes up my being and I woke up to take the dog out. After 15 minutes of her sniffing around, she still hadn't gone to the bathroom at all! Oh my goodness! I was so beyond pissed. I brought her back in and told her to go to her kennel. So pissed!!! It took another 30 minutes to go back to bed (keep in mind I've been up for about 24 hours with no sleep and that makes me incredibly grumpy anyway) but having sleeping problems makes it worse. I get to sleep, stay asleep for about an hour and a half and wake up to roommate asking me to wake up to come pick up a bug she killed in her room. Yeah. I absolutely adore this girl, but the lack of sleep I'm getting is making my depression get exponentially worse by the hour and so my life is getting darker and gloomier by the moment. At this point, I am about to lose my shit because I was woken up from my very short nap to pick up a FUCKING BUG!

Please excuse the bad words, I need a little chesed (grace) because there is a lot of anger in my heart and the lack of sleep is contributing to the addition of more and more grumpiness as each day passes.

These two incidences, plus getting woken up because the dog starts barking and playing around when she gets home and the volume in the apartment raising to extremely high levels, typically once I am down for a much needed nap. In addition, being woken up at 0600 on my fucking days off so the dog can eat a treat on my bed and snuggle for a solid 3 seconds before roommate leaves, I am so beyond past my level of being ticked off. I'm also not supposed to sleep as much as required by my depression because seeing me only come out of my room to pee and eat occasionally, because I am sleeping the rest of the time, makes her worried and I made her cry because of that.

I need sleep! That's all I want. I want to sleep in a bed where the dog doesn't keep peeing in it. I want to sleep in on my days off when the apartment will be silent and I can maybe catch up on sleep without roommate worrying about me because she won't be there during the day. I want to sleep before work and know that I can get a decent nap in before work without getting woken up. I want to be able to sleep after my 12 hour long night shift because I am stressed and exhausted, without getting woken up by barking by an excited dog, barking and whining because the dog is bored and wants to go outside to sniff around, and other things that wake me up unnecessarily because I haven't slept in a very long time. ALL I WANT IS SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so at my whits end with life, it's just not even funny.

Add all of these things to the recurring nightmares and strange, vivid dreams I keep having about exboyfriend, Country Boy, and fiance and my life is getting very little sleep, let alone restful sleep.

Life Insurance

I got to spend some time with boyfriend/fiance this weekend. He went out on Halloween and called me for a ride because he had had a few too many drinks. That's cool, I offered the ride to him because there are a ridiculous amount of cops out to catch people having a little "too much fun" and then choosing to drive. I get it, they're trying to keep the roads safe. Unfortunately, most of the cops I saw had pulled people over for speeding while I saw several drunk drivers with no cops around. Seriously, priorities people! Whatever, it's not my job and I can't tell other people how to do their jobs because I hate people telling me how to do mine.

Anyway, fiance and I were talking and he told me he put me on his life insurance. He told me if he dies, he wants me to buy a nice house, a nice truck, and he wants me to go travel the world with the money. I asked when he put me on his policy and he told me it was a couple weeks ago. A couple weeks ago we were broken up... So I asked if I was put on before or after the break-up, he told me he put me on it during the time we weren't together. Hmmm, that's kind of interesting. He says he was hoping we would get back together so he put me on it anyway. It's sweet, but it's almost like he doesn't believe I was serious. I know that I can walk away and be absolutely fine. I need him to realize that because maybe he will realize that I'm not a puppet and I do have my own needs as a human being.

He's getting better at listening to me, sometimes. Other times we get in fights, but when he gets upset with me, I am actually able to start telling him exactly what is on my mind because I am thinking of replies to him before I see him.

He keeps asking when the wedding is because we had originally planned on getting married in June of 2016. He's not super happy that we will be waiting another year (2017) or two but I need the time to see if we will work out. I can see him trying to fix his life, but I honestly know that it's not going to change unless he finds the L-rd but he is angry with G-d for taking his wife away. I get it. I'm angry that my purity was allowed to be stolen when G-d could have done something, anything, to be able to save me from that. However, I have to trust that there was a reason that it was allowed and I have to have hope that someday, the L-rd will restore my purity and make me whole. I have hope that He will forgive me and allow me to be able to spend eternity with Him. Honestly, the only thing keeping me going right now is a hope that someday, I won't have to remember any of this and that I will make it to eternity and not have to be here anymore. It's a small thing to grasp onto, but it's all I have right now.

I watched The Fault In Our Stars. Poor choice to watch when depressed and already sad (I watched it during my break-up with fiance). Oh my goodness, I cried for the rest of the day. It brought back to mind my funeral plans and what I want to be said about me when I go. All I want is to be remembered for forgiving when everyone around me thinks its crazy. I want to be remembered as being dependable, sweet, kind, patient, and good with old people and children. I want to be remembered as being a friend to those who don't have friends, even when it might be painful for me because at least then they have someone. It would be nice to be remembered, but I have no idea how/if I will be remembered. That's sometimes a little scary, but it is what it is. The reason I thought about all of this is because of the eulogy scene where the guy that is sick decides that he wants to hear the eulogies that he asked his friends to prepare. I want to hear what people would say in my eulogies, but I don't really want eulogies at my funeral and not many people have the chance to be able to attend their funeral before they die.

So, that is where I'm at.

Because, why not?

New roommate is a piano instructor. I've been wanting to learn piano for awhile now so I asked her to teach me after supper tonight. She agreed and so I got my first lesson! Well, I was in piano when I was really little, like 4 or 5 but I quit because I didn't like it and would get frustrated when I had to practice.

Anyway, she's says I'm really good. Granted, she teaches little children... and she's always encouraging and sweet. I don't know how anyone can be so happy all the time but she is. It's probably good for my depression to learn how to be more positive all the time, I don't know.

We're doing better. She was crying last night when I came home, but it turns out that it wasn't my fault this time! Yay!

Anyway, I may or may not have spent $75 on Amazon getting a bunch of country piano books... but that's besides the point.

My hope is that I can play Burning House by Cam or Over You by Miranda Lambert. I love those songs and I want to sing but let's be real, it is probably more likely that I can be decent at playing piano and I may never be able to sing well. Anyway, I'll only sing for me and I think I sound okay sometimes so we'll just roll with that.

So, I am 21 and a half and learning to play piano because why not?

Oh, I got a flu shot today. I'll be documenting my lovely psych problems that are sure to follow here. It happens every year. I thought maybe it was just a one time reaction, but it happened last year too. I usually end up with terrible depression episode for a few days after the stupid shot. Also, my arm frickin' hurts! I can't lift it very high because it's sore from that silly shot. I can't wait until I graduate and can get the religious exemption. Seriously, this is nonsense. Flu shots are last year's strain, not what is being passed around this year. How many times does it actually help save lives? I don't know but the research I've come across is not promising enough to make me change my thoughts on getting this damned thing. Whatever, it's my last year at school and I will gladly suffer through wearing those damned masks just to avoid getting the shot.

Have you noticed the naughty words I keep using? Ya, there's a lot of anger in my heart. It'll go away, I hope. In the mean time, cursing numbs the pain a little bit and allows me to express a little bit of the grumpiness. So, please forgive me for the poor word choice, I'm working through some stuff. You guys also get to hear about that nonsense so I figure you know about that already.

Well, goodnight guys, I'm gonna go try to sleep.

Blessings!

Irony About ER Screenings

I don't know about you, but at the hospitals I do clinicals at (there are three), the ER and most floors have a screening for domestic violence, self-harm, suicide ideation, and depression. The questions are simple:

1. Do you feel safe at home?
2. Do you feel safe in your relationship?
3. Are you depressed or feel down?
4. Do you harm yourself?
5. Do you ever wish that you would die or try to kill yourself?

Little questions like that are considered a screening. Now, they are kinda trick questions. By this, I mean that if you answer any of them wrong, then the proper authorities have to be informed and then your life is about to get a whole lot more stressful. If you say that you harm yourself or have thought about/tried to kill yourself, you now get to be under a 72 hour M1 hold in the hospital with the company of a sitter who watches your every move, every moment of the day (even when you use the bathroom). You then also have that in your chart and on your record. If you say you do not feel safe at home or in your relationship, then you might have the police come in and chat with you or child protective services come do a whole long investigation. Yikes.

I have been thinking a lot about this since having been in the ER as a patient and as a student nurse. We ask these questions, thinking they will be a help in some shape or form, but are they really? How easy is it to answer "no" to these questions when your heart is screaming "yes" (or vice versa, depending on the question) just because you know what will happen or you are scared to admit any of these things to yourself? When I went in, I answered appropriately to all questions to avoid the outcomes that would result upon answering any of them "incorrectly". After the assault, I was majorly depressed, I wished that G-d would allow me to die, and the temptation to begin self-harm again was at an all-time high. However, I knew that saying any of these things in the hospital would result in me actually being admitted to the hospital for a few days so that they can see if you're emotionally and mentally able to be released out into the world. So, what good do these questions really do? I have seen so many nurses go into a room and not ask these questions to the patients because the nurse felt it was unnecessary to do so.

In my last med/surg clinical group, my instructor brought up a good point about getting help for depression and suicide: there aren't really great systems to get help. If you go somewhere and say you're depressed and struggling to not hurt/kill yourself, people will lock you away, then you learn to not seek help for your emotional struggles which will likely lead to suicide. If you go somewhere to talk to a counselor, professor, or whomever else you choose to confide your struggles to, you can explain your symptoms of depression, but leave out that you are struggling to stay alive, but then you cannot receive the help you truly need because you have one of the deepest, darkest secrets that will eat a hole right through you until you either end up dying, or you somehow find hope to survive long enough to get out of the depression.

For me, the depression lasts years. I don't go anywhere for help because counseling didn't work in the past, I know what happens if you say the wrong thing and I'm scared of going through that, friends don't know how to support me when I can't figure out how to be happy, and nobody understands, they think I'm being dramatic and a whiner. So, I live with the knowledge of the things I've done, I wear the scars, and I battle with myself daily. When friends ask what is wrong, they usually persist in the beginning of the friendship to figure out what is happening in my mind, once they find out, they stop asking and I stop telling. This usually causes big rifts and eventually we move on from each other. Yet, I am still saddled with the constant war, fatigue, struggles to remain alive, sleeping for several days straight to escape without dying, distracting myself when I feel so numb that I know hurting myself would at least offer a chance at coming back to reality and feeling something, and I deal with it all by myself because people don't stick around once they get a glimpse of the darkness they tried so hard to uncover.

That's probably one of the hardest things to deal with: losing friends because they don't feel close if you don't tell them every single thing that runs through your brain, but once they figure out what you deal with then they no longer want anything to do with you. I end up feeling used, hurt, sad, angry, more depressed, and I deal with a lot of guilt because they tell me how hard it is to watch me and listen to me go through my depression cycles. I've watched a lot of people cry at my expense because of that and I am about to lose another roommate because of that.

In my defense, I try to keep it a secret and keep it at bay. Pretending to be happy and carefree is not all that hard, but my face doesn't keep secrets at all and so they start digging. It happens every time I get a friend and we start to get close. Going through this just makes me want to stay superficial with everyone I meet because they like me when it's just a "hey, how are you?" kind of friendship. Unfortunately, girls don't really stand around and bullshit like guys do, they want to explore feelings, family life, and other happenings that involve deeper levels of intimacy. And so, the cycle continues and it pushes me deeper and deeper into my pit. I keep more secrets from everybody, and I refuse to trust anyone because everybody lies.

So, that is where I am and what I've been thinking about for several months now. Something needs to be done in this country to fix the "suicide prevention" system that is currently in place because there are an awful lot of suicides and even more suicidal people out there and nobody seems to be getting much help where they feel safe to share what's truly going on in their minds. I want to change things, but I don't even know where to begin. Maybe it could prevent deaths like Country Boy's, maybe he could have had a better chance.

No Replies Necessary

Today I am having a hard day. Today, I need to vent in a place where I will not see the judgement on everyone's face, and where I will not hear the backlash and get lectured on it later. So, please no replies to today's post. I love you all, I respect your wish to help me and not see me hurt, but sometimes it's okay to just let someone deal with stuff alone. Today, this post, these are one of those times.

I broke up with Fiance Wednesday. I wasn't planning it and I wasn't expecting it but I did. We had planned to hang out. We hung out for awhile, and then he needed to go. Towards the end, while he was driving me back to my car, he was lecturing me about stupid stuff. I was getting irritated and I have been struggling with our relationship for several months now. He ended up asking me (for the millionth time) if I was done fighting.

That is usually his way of letting me know he sees that I am frustrated and that I'm having a hard time attempting to stay in the relationship. That day I was done. He asked if I was done fighting and I said yes. He asked if that meant that we were over, I said yes.

We got to my car and spent the next half hour talking, holding hands, hugging, and he kissed me a few times. I cried, like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Then I got in my car, he drove away and I sat there for awhile getting to a place where I could be able to see while driving.

I spent the rest of the day crying and being with friends. I only told my brother, Beauty, and my new Roommate. They seem supportive of me but nobody knows what to say to me. I spent the next day sleeping and crying. We continued to talk a little bit and I got a lot of things off my chest because he kept asking questions so I answered them honestly. He went out drinking both nights and texted me the whole time he was out. Friday he ended up calling me and we talked for awhile. He asked more questions and I answered truthfully still. He went out drinking again then came to my apartment drunk. We talked for two or three hours out in his truck. He begged me to take him back. I told him to ask me when he was sober.

He ended up asking me again the next morning. I told him I don't know. We keep talking, he keeps asking "what's the plan?". I keep responding with I don't know. As of right now, we are trying to work things out, but my heart's not in it, he knows that because I've flat out told him so.

New Roommate has been watching me through all of this. A couple weeks ago we were drinking at home and she started asking questions. Those questions ended up revealing that the relationship I have with him is not the healthiest and she is now scared of him. I get it. I would be reacting the same way if I was watching her go through this, but I feel like I am in control. I see what is going on behind the scenes, that she doesn't see, and I know that he and I have had a really rough ride but I know that I can walk away when I need to. I've done it already, I can do it again.

He's upset that the relationship is not the same that it was before we broke up. I told him that I need time to figure stuff out and trust him again. He didn't do anything like cheat on me, I just found some stuff out, that he admitted to, but didn't want to tell me. I feel slighted and stupid. Shit happens.

In church, we're talking about how G-d takes us through wildernesses and then allows things to happen to us to see how we'll react and to see if we will still trust Him. I don't necessarily think this relationship is a wilderness right now, I know that my current situation is largely caused by my poor choices. However, I am reminded of Job and how he was righteous and G-d saw that he was doing well. G-d then allowed him to be tested to ensure that his heart was pure and true. Well, if I am in a wilderness, I do believe I'm probably failing the tests. I'm probably failing all of the tests. My heart is angry, I'm impatient, I don't want to talk to anyone, I was to isolate myself, and I am picking up some habits that are slightly frowned upon. I'm tired guys. Right now, my life is really hard and I feel like I've messed it up beyond repair. I know that G-d can work miracles and fix everything, I'm just not seeing it right now. That's okay, He does everything in His own timing and I await the day when I get to see how He works a miracle through this incredible mess I've made. Unfortunately, I'm not able to hold my breath that long because I've been waiting months and I'm not seeing it. In fact, it's gotten worse over the past couple of months. So, I wait expectantly hoping for a miracle, but riding out the storm I've found myself in.

I'm angry, I feel completely used up, graceless, unforgiving, frustrated, exhausted, irritated, and I wish that I didn't have to live this life. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I love the L-rd and I hope with all of my heart that this will be over and the L-rd has some kind of purpose for my life. I don't know what the purpose is, I can't even begin to imagine that anything can be made from this disaster. Anything is possible with G-d, He's the only way anything'll work.

Senior Year Kinda Sucks...

All through nursing school I was looking forward to this year, my last year as a nursing student. Turns out, it SUCKS!

On my own personal, very mean note, I do not like the people in my class. At my school, there is a whole cohort (the whole group of people you will graduate with) and then those people are divided into two groups so that one group can be doing med/surg 4 while the other does peds/ob and then we switch. I do not like the people in my group/class and I am going to be with them for the rest of the year while I don't get to see all of my favorite people because they are in peds/ob without me. That happened because I am completing this degree faster than most of them so they have more credits meaning they get to sign up for classes before me. Please forgive this bit of whining but I am at my whits end with the people in my class. Many of them are the ones I avoided on purpose last year and so I took the classes they were not in order to not have to be in class with them. So, it does not help that I show up to class grumpy and leave angry each day simply because of personality clashes.

Now, on top of everything, it turns out that senior year is just about writing a billion papers that are essentially our thesis papers for each class. My current med/surg professor had us fill out a bunch of worksheets and pick out an upwards of 6 articles. She then went through all of them, approved/declined many of the articles, and is having us resubmit them to her for grading. She is overwhelmed with the amount of work she has to do and we are all frustrated because we can't move on with the rest of the assignment until she grades our stuff. However, she doesn't have time to look at our stuff before the paper due date so we have been shot in the foot and forced to do the impossible. So, I have been told that she is worried I will fail the paper because the articles I chose are not acceptable but she is not helping any of us or making it possible for us to have success because we don't have enough time!!! It's the worst, vicious cycle of paper writing I have ever been a part of and I am at about level 87 of stress on a scale of 1 to 10. THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

So, senior year sucks. I am glad we only have a couple more weeks of this crap before we move on to the next class of this semester. It's Community Health which I'm not excited about, at all, but I like the teacher and she is reasonable so I hope it will be tolerable.

The Break

In lieu of LOTS of recent fights with the fiance, I suggested a break. I learned a couple of things today: 1) many of us, including myself, do not believe in breaks (I knew this before but right now, I feel it is appropriate) 2) there are great misunderstandings between genders as to what a "break" in a relationship is.

Do you guys watch Friends? I hope you do, it's a delightful show. Anyway, Ross and Rachel start dating and they start having a lot of problems. Rachel decides she needs a break. To her, this means they simply do not talk for awhile. For Ross, a break means that the relationship is on pause but it is like a break-up so he can now go see/sleep with other people. And so he does... and then Rachel is devastated and hurt and angry. This whole fiasco is simply because of the differences in understanding between genders.

To me, a break is where the relationship is still intact, but the couple is simply not talking to each other for a time so that they can hopefully both do some thinking and reevaluating. To fiance, a break means that we are broken up. I cleared the air and explained what I was actually wanting in addition to calling it a break but he got all sorts of upset and angry because he thought I was breaking up with him (for the third time). Now, I get why he would be hurt, especially with it being the third time, but I feel like I was clear when I told him what I was expecting a break to be and what I needed from this time. After the air was clear and he was understanding that we are simply not talking for a few days/weeks we hung up the phone and that was that.

Not even 5 hours later, and as I was writing this post in rage, he called. The terms of the break was that I would call him when I have thought about my stuff and after I was ready to talk to him whenever that happened to be in the next few weeks. He called and told me he couldn't live without me. It's going to take some time for him to prove that to me because I am tired of not being treated right. However, I move forward with cautious optimism. I pray that our relationship works, but I know that I am strong and self-sufficient and I do not need a man. They are a blessing, and we learn a lot by being tied to another human being in such a way as marriage, but being single has it's blessings too.

Interesting turn of events, I really wasn't expecting any of that. I was literally just about to start on the last paragraph (starting with: "not even 5 hours later"; but it wasn't going to be written to start out that way...) and he called.

Y'all, please pray for me and pray for fiance. We need tender hearts to be able to serve each other and listen to the L-rd. We both need the L-rd, desperately.

Meanwhile, I could desperately use a break from school. I am beyond stressed out, my days are running together, and I have so many assignments due all the time! I ended up dropping my sexual assault class because I was getting nightmares and flashbacks. Needless to say, the Professor and Dean approved the dropping of the course. So, I now have more time!

New Roommate is so absolutely supportive. She listened to me rant and rave and be sad and depressed and angry and everything for about 2-3 hours today. She just sits there and listens and encourages me. She knows everything that has happened, watches me when I can't leave my bed for days on end, and she still has such a tender spot to try to help me through all of this by allowing me to ask her for what I need her to do. Oftentimes, I simply ask her to listen. Sometimes I ask her for advice and she helps to "nurse" me back to being semi-mentally healthy by helping me find ways to stay busy, encouraging me to spend time out of the house doing activities I enjoy, making sure I am eating and she even assessed my self-harm ideation status because she knows I've had a rough past, even though she didn't know how rough until she asked if I had ever had those thoughts. I am almost certain she has no idea I have tried to kill myself on several occasions back in 8th grade. Guys, she is so sweet and tender and I don't want to ruin her with my cynicism and anger at the world and at life. However, I am so beyond grateful for the way G-d has allowed her and I to meet each others needs when we both needed roommates and how we've been able to pour into each others lives with the love and G-dly advice only Believers can give to each other. Now, she is Catholic and I am Messianic Jewish, but we serve the same G-d and believe in the same Messiah. We are called to love each other and that is certainly what I plan to do because I absolutely adore her!

Life of Adventure

When praying about fiance at the beginning of our relationship, the L-rd whispered to my heart we would have adventures, he would give me a life of adventure. This prayer occurred shortly after engagement which was a mere couple of months into our relationship.

This whisper was not a lie. We have had so many ups and downs I wonder most days if I am going crazy or not.

He came home early from work a couple weeks ago on the premise that he thought I was having problems and he wanted to help "fix" us and me. I have repeatedly told him that fixing people is G-d's job and I cannot be fixed in a conversation or two. He disagrees but we've been working through my Country Boy and exboyfriend stuff all summer and I feel like I've made very little progress. Mostly, I just need downtime to heal and start to make my life mine again. I don't feel like I have any control over anything anymore. Granted, how much do any of us control anything that happens to us? Is it not all in G-d's hands? So, I am learning to let go.

Today in church we talked about living a life of adventure. We learned about how the pastor and the church elders/employees feel that G-d is about to move in powerful ways and we are supposed to surrender and let the L-rd have at it. I completely agree, G-d is in control and it is silly for us to try to plan or control anything because everything happens on His time frame, not ours.

If you recall, I had tons of plans for the past two years to go work with Mema in her NICU because I was already offered a job there. She was going to let me pay low rent in exchange for help around the house and we could help each other out with job stuff and whatnot. Those plans went up in smoke this summer. I no longer have any idea of where I will work after graduation, where I will live, what state I will end up in, or even if I will work in the NICU.

If I cannot have kids, I do not want to work with babies (NICU/L&D) because I know I will get burnt out, cynical, and way depressed if I work with babies when I cannot have any. Lately, I have not even wanted to have children or be married because I don't want to drag other children into this world to go through terrible things. I have experienced some rough stuff, but so many other people go through so much more. I cannot bear witness to my children going through such hard life circumstances. I cannot even live through them myself.

I came to this conclusion after watching my mom struggle with my life choices and consequences and happenings the past few months. From her finding out about suicide attempts and self harm at the beginning of the summer, to her watching me go through rape stuff, she is having a hard time with my issues almost worse than I am. I don't want to go through that or watch my kids go through that. So, what do I do to fix such a potential situation? I simply avoid having children. Bam, no issue. If fiance and I do not happen to make it, I'm not saying we will or won't, but I will not try for another relationship. If I stay alone then I don't have to worry about having another person to care for and be concerned about, I will simply have to worry about myself and my work. Yes, it may be a lonely life, but honestly, I've gone through enough for a lifetime or two, I don't need to have anything else happen. I just wanted an easy, simple, pure life. That was stolen in a matter of months and I no longer strive to go for the dreams I had at the beginning of this past April. I just want to be done.

So, I am continually being pulled from listening to the L-rd as He confirms His whispers to me time and time again, to listening to the world/friends/parents/etc when they tell me to cut it off with fiance. How do I know what the L-rd meant by adventure? How do I know when to throw in the towel? I don't know what to do!!!!!

I'm getting burned out at work but I have to go in tonight. I desperately want another job but I don't have time to go through the training involved in getting a different job. What do I do? I'm struggling today, I don't want to do school, or work, or anything but sleep.

It is now Rosh Hashanah! (Jewish New Year!) So, shanah tovah! (Good year, it's like Happy New Year) May you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.

Another thing the L-rd keeps bringing to me is the thought of restoration. I want so badly to be restored and for fiance to be restored. We are both broken and the only way any of us can be fixed is to have the L-rd, the Creator, fix us. That was part of the message in church today too. Surrendering and being restored and allowing ourselves to be continually created by the One who created and continues to create us for His glory. So many days I wish I could go back in time and avoid all of this, but what if this can all be used for beauty? G-d's beauty. I want so badly to have beauty from these ashes, but I don't know how that can ever come about. Between my mistakes and the things that have happened, I don't feel worthy, I feel so dirty and beyond repair. I now understand the grief and cry in so many worship songs where I just didn't before. Songs that talk about us needing to surrender didn't make much sense before, now I get it.

Marriage

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Marriage isn't about finding the "right" person, it's about learning how to love more unconditionally. We're learning to love how Yeshua (Jesus) loves and how Adonai (G-d) loves us. Good job Eric Church for figuring that one out (song titled: "She Loves Me Like Jesus Does"). None of us can be an absolute "right" person because we all sin. Marriage is about learning how to walk along side someone who is selfish, has bad days, can do/say hurtful things, and otherwise do things that the world tells us we have a "right" to not forgive them for. Is that the model set up in the Bible? Not even a little bit. Look at the profit who married a prostitute. She continued to cheat on him, yet, the L-rd told him to stay with her and love her. He was instructed not to sleep with her, I think, but he was supposed to remain with her. Now, I'm not saying that you stay with your spouse if they are cheating on you, abusing you, or otherwise putting your and/or your family in danger. Seek help, talk to the L-rd, and determine what you are supposed to do. However, time and time again the L-rd tells us to forgive. Yeshua told us to forgive 77x7 times (in other words, continue forgiving. So why would we need to do that for strangers and friends and not for spouses? I have seen so many marriages implode because each spouse starts keeping a tally of what the other person did or didn't do and so they feel justified in not serving the other person as the L-rd serves us. Marriage is only temporary, it's only for our short lives while on earth. Being with the Creator is eternal. Our lives, it seems to me, are not about finding a battle partner and procreation for this life, it is about being molded into people who are more like G-d. Look at David. He was a man after G-d's own heart. He messed up royally, but he repented and worked towards allowing the L-rd to right his wrongs and take control of the situation. He worshiped the L-rd and continued to serve and minister to Him (G-d). David also had wives, concubines, and loads of children, but that is not what his life is about. That is not the picture we see in the snapshots that are kept in the Bible/Tanakh for us to study. Marriage, and life, is about extending forgiveness, grace, kindness, and loving your spouse as much as we love ourselves (or more) because that is how G-d loves us. Yes, marriage is about having a partner and continuing on the human race, but there is so much more than companionship and kids. Love is a choice and it can be a powerful choice.

Isaiah 54 paints a picture of the L-rd forgiving Israel after He had divorced her earlier in Isaiah's book of the Bible. This chapter describes Jerusalem as a woman who is currently childless and a widow, but it tells her to prepare to be "bursting at the seams". She is instructed to expand her house and she is promised a house made of saphires and gems. To me, this chapter sounds like a prophecy. It talks about her being protected in the land they are about to go into (so it is a prophecy that was taking place in their near future) but it also talks about things that are mirrored in Revelation and the other scriptures about how Yeshua is going to prepare a place as a bride-groom prepares a house for His bride. The house sounds like the house in Heaven that is described, and it sounds like what I will call a near-far prophecy. It talks about a government that is just and fair as well as all citizens being taught by G-d (as is said about heaven). It was occurring in Israels near future and also the more distant future. Please, read this chapter for yourself.

Anyway, it talks about G-d's promise of peace never being broken and the L-rd having mercy upon her (his people). It is home of the verse that says, "...in that coming day, no weapon turned against you shall succeed..." It also says the Creator will be Israel's Husband. It specifically states, "For a brief moment I abandoned you. But with great compassion I will take you back. In a moment of anger I turned my face a little while, but with everlasting love I will have pity on you, says the L-rd, your Redeemer." verse 7-8.

Does this form of anger or turning away not sound like how guys, and often women, handle disagreements and fights sometimes? I know that in the fights I have had with Brother, Dad, exboyfriend, fiance, and other men (sometimes even with women), the men tend to need to take a moment to walk away. Having been reading many books on male behavior lately to try to understand fiance's point of view so I can better know how to relate and love him, it has been stated again and again that men often need space to think when women often need to be able to talk about issues for hours, often rehashing the same things over and over, until they feel they have thoroughly looked at every nook and cranny of the issues and they feel there is a satisfactory solution to the issue. In the passage above, G-d is taking time to calm down because He loves His people so dearly, but they messed up really badly. It's almost like G-d was showing women that it is okay for men to need space after an argument to process and calm down because that is how He wired them and sometimes that is what He does too. We are made in His image and both genders have different characteristics that mirror His as well. Dealing with arguments seems like it would not be needed to mirror Him, but we obviously do. But G-d uses the metaphor of marriage to show us how deeply He loves us and how greatly He forgives us even after doing horrendous things. His mercies are unfailing. Marriage, much like many things, are simply a tool He uses to give us tangeable ways to see and experience His love more deeply and to understand a fraction of the pains He feels as He watches and supports us through the earthly adventure, desperately desiring us to be back with Him.

Just some thoughts that I had bouncing around my head for weeks now. I told some of these things to my friends over the past couple days and they told me they are worried about how I view marriage. They tell me that marriage is about finding the right person and if I do that, then everything else will just work out. My thought was that divorce rates are high and I think it is because sometimes divorce is understandable, but sometimes people go into the marriage wanting a happily ever after and life isn't necessarily about happily ever after on Earth. Marriage takes work. The Bible says that your own body is not even yours anymore because you were bound with your spouse so women cannot hold out sex all the time because men have that inherent need for it. That is because that is how G-d wired them to be able to feel loved and so that they can have a place that they can let their guards down. Read "for women only." It was very helpful for me. There is one for men ("for men only") and you can get the set ("for couples only"). I bought them on Amazon and it brought up a whole slew of other books that talks about couples and how each spouse should relate to each other from a Biblical or Christian standpoint. There are probably Messianic books too if you are interested.

Don't take my words as stone, this is merely a quick brain dump before I rush off to clinicals because my Messianic devotional ("The Voice of the Lord") reassured me of my theory that I had just gotten discouraged about after telling my friend about it yesterday. She is a believer but did not like this thought, I feel like it was a G-d revelation though. Oh well.

Senior Year of Nursing School

Folks, I have made it to my senior year of nursing school! I figured it would be a rough road but had no idea what kind of bumps I'd experience. Turns out school was the easier part, and it is still nursing boot camp. Seriously, nursing school is hard but so worth it.

This semester I am taking:

• Med/Surg "Capstone" (my fourth [and FINAL!] med/surg rotation)

• Community Health

• Jewish Philosophy

• Epidemic of Sexual Assault (It focuses on forensic nursing. I worry about this one because it is an entire course about rape and sexual assault. I can always drop it and I've always wanted to learn more about forensic nursing so I guess we'll see how the first couple of weeks go. I plan on emailing my professor to let her know that I have a personal history so that she can advise me to continue on or go ahead and drop the course.)

So, four classes. 2 have clinicals, one is on main campus (the nursing school is banished to the end of campus away from the normal people...), and one online class (the sexual assault one). We shall see how I do with 18 credits, my hospital night CNA job, and now a boyfriend/fiance in the mix. At least he works on the oil rigs and is gone for 1.5-2 months at a time and only home for 2 weeks in between those hitches (time he's away working).

I remember joking to my friends saying I would be okay with a boyfriend or husband that was home for a couple days and then gone for a few months. In marriage, that will be very difficult. While I am in school, this is highly advantageous for me because we have 30 minute phone dates each night and sporadic texting throughout the day and I have time to study and do what I need to do for school. Praise the L-rd! We will see how this juggling act goes; it may be a complete disaster or G-d may give me the strength and ability to make it work, we shall see.

Fiance surprised me by coming home early Friday. He has had a really difficult hitch. Cliff notes of the past 5-6 weeks for him include: a fellow employee almost killing my man by leaving him on an oil rig with no protection during a lightning storm, that guy then stole the company truck when he was fired for almost killing my man, there was an explosion and fiance saved two guys' lives by running back towards the fire to grab them, now he is being sued by the government for saving lives because it went against safety protocol. There were other delightful little gems in there too, but those are the major highlights.

Anyway, he found my roommate on Facebook and started trying to plan how he could surprise me when he came home. He told me he would show up at any time over the next few days, this was on Wednesday I think. I was freaking out! My roommate was a few states away until Thursday because she was visiting her boyfriend and I had been living in my same pajamas for a few days and slept nearly 18 hours a day most days. What if he came home and my hair was a mess and I didn't even have time to brush my teeth? Oh no! Once roommate got back (new roommate by the way, not the one from last year), we had a night to decompress from her trip and get our little routine started. I mentioned that he had spilled the beans that he might be surprising me and that he had said he might have Facebooked her. She said he had but that she wasn't going to tell me anything.

He texted me later Thursday night and told me he wouldn't be coming home that weekend like he thought because his boss wanted him to stay, but that he would be back next weekend. He apologized up and down all night (he worked night shift that hitch). I told him I understood and not to worry about it. I was thinking, "No big deal, he'll be back next weekend and I have a week to get school figured out before he comes home. Okay, we will make this work."

Friday, roommate and I woke up. She and I had planned to go to campus to get parking passes and textbooks before the mad rush of students would crowd campus this coming Monday. She also said she wanted to take me to lunch for taking such good care of her dog while she was gone for two weeks visiting her family and boyfriend. That wasn't a problem for me because she only had me pay half the rent for August in return for watching her dog and I took her dog up to my parent's house so that her dog and my dog could play. There is also a dog door which makes taking care of a dog really simple, as opposed to going for walks every 2 hours because we live in an apartment. So really, I got the better end of the deal. Anyway, she suggested a really expensive restaurant that fiance loves but had told me he wouldn't take me to yet because it is so pricey and it needs to wait until a special occasion. So I knew something was fishy there. I told her she already paid me for watching her dog and that going to lunch there was too expensive so I suggested we find another place to go. She insisted that "we have to go there." She is not a pushy person, so that was clue number two. When we were heading out she mentioned that she had a piano lesson (she teaches piano) in the area so it would be perfect for her to go to lunch there so that she wouldn't have to drive all the way back across town to go home. I asked her if I needed to drive separate so that I could go home after lunch and she told me not to worry about it. Clue #3. I decided not to push because I was already putting pieces together. When we got there and nobody else we knew was there, I brought up me needing a ride again. I asked her how I was going to get home? She said she would drive me home (across town). I mentioned that she had said she didn't want to because she had a lesson near the restaurant. She started blushing and told me to stop asking questions and that it would be alright. I win! I figured it out. So, about 15-20 minutes go by while my mind is racing but I try to keep the conversation going with her about how fiance had told me he wasn't coming home and she looked so sad because I was sad. Then I asked about her trip and we decided to go up to the salad bar and get ourselves some food. I got so distracted getting food and talking for the next 10 minutes that he came up behind me and gave me a hug and I had totally forgotten I was hoping he would come! It was a wonderful surprise and a great lunch. Roommate likes him and says he reminds her of her boyfriend.

She's a really sweet girl who found a guy with a good heart but ridiculously rough edges too. We find solace knowing each other's similar guy troubles because we are similar and our guys are similar. Yet, we both love our men, no matter how crazy they make us sometimes because we see the good in them and we see them trying to be sweet and tender for us.

Tonight the L-rd is giving my heart peace. I am anxious about tomorrow, but the troubles that plague my brain about the events that have happened this summer are set aside. He has taken them. Oftentimes He has to take them back from me daily, but it is getting easier to relinquish them each day. Forgiveness is also a daily battle that is getting easier each day. I am to a place where I believe that ExBoyfriend just made a mistake and I didn't fight hard enough to let him know I wasn't happy with what was going on. ExRoommate and I made mistakes that made us both sad and I am very sorry for that. The words that were spoken by the girls freshman year, my brother, ExRoommate's mom, and countless others over the years were just mistakes. It's all about each of us learning. That is what life is, right? Learning to let G-d have control of who we are and allowing Him to teach us how to model ourselves after His heart? I don't know, I don't know what life is. Right now I'm resigned to what it has become and I hope and pray that there is something more meaningful. I yearn for the day when the L-rd will tell me there was a bigger purpose to me going through this last summer and other people being able to be told that their life struggles (which are far greater than my own) have purpose and meaning. Who knows though? Only the Good L-rd knows and so I will keep my hope in Him and start getting my eyes and feet trained back to His path because I got a bit sidetracked and turned around.

My Skeleton Has Scars

Today's post is a really hard one to share. It is not happy, not even a little bit. These are my raw thoughts. My heart has crumbled, it has blown away. Who I was a few months ago is not even able to be revived, she's gone. Instead, the skeleton left behind is in pain, it is broken, and it has no option but to hang on to the grain of hope that someday something will come of this. Someday I pray there is beauty from these ashes because right now I'm not seeing it as a possibility. So here is my post:

Today the urge feels a bit stronger than I am. It started about nine years ago, maybe ten years now. For a while I just gave in. I tried to go with it because I am not strong enough to fight it.  I did what it wanted. Between scars, pills, anger, and the like, I went with each wave.

At some point I stopped. Well, I went to camp. I was forced to go to camp. I despised church camp and the church I went with.  The fights between my mom and I grew as she continued to make me go to church and also the extra activities that came up along the way. Great. Each one physically pained me. I went to church each Sunday and Wednesday for months, fighting back tears of rage and doing my best to avoid talking to anyone. I was pretty good at it too, people stopped trying to talk with me and they let me serve with the children because that was the only place I seemed even slightly happy.

Today the memories and the thoughts are piling up. Three sessions of therapy did nothing. I was classified a “crisis”. Yes, they flat out told me I was a crisis case. Awesome. Counseling didn’t do anything. I spent hours in an office saying whatever happened to pop into my head. I do not like talking. I do not like babbling. Therapy was all about babbling. My counselor called back yesterday to set up another appointment. It didn’t seem like a good use of money so the appointment was declined and she took me off the list.

A month after it happened, I met my current boyfriend when I was out dancing. I was sitting on a stool watching everyone else dance by, jealous that nobody asked me to dance. That wasn’t new to me though, it was just confirmation of the things I’ve been able to accept years ago. He came and asked for a dance. I said ok. We had small talk during the dance like names, occupations, where we are from. It was great. After the song I walked off the floor and he tried to start up a conversation. Actually, he stood there and didn’t say much while I tried to keep up the conversation so I would seem rude. After about 10 minutes I got bored and told him to have a good night and come ask me to dance later, if he wanted to. He said okay and I walked off. I rejoined my friend that I had come there with and we talked for about a half hour. He returned and asked for my number. Being an idiot and super excited a boy asked for my number, I gave it to him. He waited two days to text me. I was convinced he forgot about me, after all, he had forgotten my name when he came back to ask for my number. Red flag.

We’ve been dating three months. We got engaged a month ago. I know, engaged after a couple months of dating, I must be crazy. I am.

How did I get engaged so quickly? I’ve been making poor choices. One such poor choice was going out dancing with my boyfriend and a huge group of my friends. I’ve done it before and managed to stay safe. I know my limit of four drinks and I stick to it. The boyfriend and I had had a fight earlier that day about sex. He wanted it, said he needed it, and I wanted to wait for marriage. We’ve had this fight dozens of times and we never reach a common conclusion. He hears what he wants, I cave because he begs and pleads and whines. That’s how I got into a rough situation a few months ago, same exact formula. I had plans to stay at my brother’s apartment that night. Boyfriend wanted me to stay at a hotel with him but I told him no. He kept bringing me drinks. He knew my limit too. He surpassed it by several drinks. Joke’s on him, I ended up blackout drunk and threw up in his truck, several times. He took me to a hotel, telling my friends that he would take care of me, and he did.

I woke up the next morning naked, next to him. He tells me I started the sex. He had stripped me down to get me showered off, so naturally he stripped down too. Then he says he tried to put me to bed but I climbed on top of him and started having sex with him. That sounds nothing like me and I don’t remember much of the night. I was the crazy prude who didn’t want to kiss anyone until she could kiss her husband on her wedding day when the Rabbi told him to kiss the bride. I was the girl who didn’t want to hold hands until she was engaged. I was the girl who wanted to date for at least a year and then be engaged for at least a year before getting married. My life isn’t supposed to be like this!

We fought about that night. I tried to break up with him. He knew how I felt about sex before marriage. He is twice my size and he was in his right mind. He was the one who had brought me drinks. He knew my past and he had heard my story. He saw tears streaming down my face when I finally verbalized what had happened with the last one. He promised he would take care of me. After my 30 minute break-up speech, he talked me into staying with him. He told me I am amazing. I told him I am used goods and he told me that it wasn’t his fault; I was the one who started it.

I believe him. That makes me question the first one. Maybe I’m just some girl who wants to be the victim so that she doesn’t have to own up to her own mistakes.

At my grandfather’s funeral, I learned that my dad had been married before my mom. I was about six. The next few years revealed that they got married after I was born, because I was born. Neither of them have been happy married; it doesn’t take an adult to see that. They got married because of me. If I had not been born, they wouldn’t have been stuck with each other.

If I had not gone to the small town dance New Year’s Eve, maybe I would have a completely different life right now. Maybe I would be whole, maybe I would be pure, and maybe I would still have a future. The “maybe game” does nothing but give me panic attacks these days. I used to be able to play it and imagine a life with a loving husband, children, animals, land, and a career that I love. All surrounded by my family and his family and all of us get along great and everyone is happy to see each other when we visit.

Today I am resigned. If I marry this man I am engaged to, I pray it is a happy marriage, but I do not want children anymore. If he leaves me, I will be strong enough to make it in life on my own. I will not subject another person to being in a relationship with me. The man that I have prayed for deserves someone that is whole and pure and lovely. The woman I strived to be is dead. So today, I am tired.

I am tired of the mask I wear when people ask me about my first breakup. My family knows the guy and his family well, they all live in a small town together. I ran into his mom when I was doing clinicals at a local hospital and she informed me he told her we broke up because I was planning on going to Texas to work when I graduated. That makes the breakup my fault instead of his because it was easier for him to explain it that way instead of telling his family the truth.

My dad doesn’t know why we broke up. He told my mom that I am just being dramatic. I probably am.

My brother told me that people go through things that are much worse than what I’ve gone through so I need to just get over it. I do.

My mom told me I need to stop being alone with boys because bad things keep happening. She’s probably right because both of these bad situations have been my fault.

My mentor told me I was silly when I told her I wanted to wait for my first kiss until my wedding day. Then she questioned if I was sleeping with my first boyfriend when he raped me. That shows she believes it was my fault, because it probably was.

My friends tell me I need to break up with my current boyfriend/fiancé. They don’t think I can run my own life or make my own decisions.

Boyfriend thinks I don’t give enough to him. He says he changed his whole life for me because he saw me and fell in love. He says I haven’t changed anything for him. I told him he doesn’t have to stay and he says he does because he loves me. This is fight #7364 about me not putting out. He gets mad I am going to have too much time taken up with class, clinicals, homework, and work which will leave me no time with him. However, he thinks I should be spending every night with him, otherwise I’m the one tearing us apart. I probably don’t submit enough, I’ve already slept with him and who needs to be a nurse anyway. I just need to work on time management.

The urge to just slip away and no longer be here is getting stronger. I’m being pulled limb from limb, drowning, burning alive, and suffocating under the weight of this life. Yes, there are so many ways I could make my life easier, for now I feel like the L-rd is telling me to sit still and let things happen as they happen.