Have I mentioned that my brother is moving out?
With this, I get the pleasure of scrambling around looking for a roommate in the next couple of months before he moves out with his buddies because his name is not on the lease, only mine is. We also know how well I did the last time I had to live with strangers. (If you don't, I'll tell you it got UGLY.)
Super.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Facebook Official
My relationship was never Facebook Official. I wanted to spare us both the drama associated with the relationship change status updates that everyone and their mothers get at the announcement of the relationship beginning and end. Plus, I knew in my heart that I was going against G-d's plan and that we probably wouldn't stick together to marriage. However, Best Friend (now also ex-boyfriend) has taken to posting on social media about wounds not healing, time needed to sort through broken hearts, and a million other things leading everyone to believe he was crushed.I feel like the biggest jerk in the world because I get to read this knowing I broke my best friend. So there's that.
Personally, I don't post much to social media because I'm not that interesting, I don't have witty comments, and people need to not be bothering themselves with my business. Yes, I am a huge hypocrite because I post everything on this blog that should be making it into my diary, if I had one. However, you people do not really know who I am or where I come from so this is almost like a diary. Also, this blog was supposed to be about nursing school and I was meaning to give you the scoop on things that I questioned that nobody seemed to write about. Now that I'm in nursing school, all the little tidbits I was curious about have escaped my mind and I don't know what it is that you may/may not need to know. Not to mention, nursing school is rough and I haven't gotten super close to people. Don't get me wrong, I have friends, but I am not really connecting to any of them very strongly. So, I come on here and pretend that y'all are my bestest friends in the whole world and I imagine that you want to hear ever little dumb thought that passes through my head. The good news for you is that you don't have to read it if you don't want to :) That's pretty much a win-win because I think I have a bunch of close pals and you don't have to listen/read if you don't want to!I love all y'all, but hey, I need some more friends...
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Shiftin' Gears
I'm going to start with a confession. Several really, but the main one is that I like to shift really fast in my manual car when I am stressed. For some reason it helps me blow off some steam. I don't go fast enough that I get a "fast driving award" (my uncle's name for a speeding ticket), I just shift faster than all of the automatic cars next to me and I feel like a boss!
So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.
Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.
I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!
Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...
So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.
Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.
I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!
Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...
Baby Fever?
After recently breaking up with my best friend turned boyfriend, I went home for a few days. That was not because of the break-up, but because I was actually technically on spring break but had to work a ridiculous amount.
My 3 days of spring break end today and they were nice but not enough. I got to hang out with my dog and my family threw me an early, mini birthday celebration. I turn 20 this year and I am not particularly pleased about that. I don't quite understand why I don't want to turn 20. Is it that I may miss being a teen? Perhaps I think I haven't done enough with my "pre-adult" life? There are a plethora of other reasons as to why I dread every birthday, but this one in particular is already proving to be rough and it hasn't even occurred yet. Needless to say, I HATE birthdays and wish I could travel to some place with a beach, a younger drinking age, and somewhere where nobody knows me. Instead, I get to go to clinicals after taking a nap due to the time it takes to write those dreadful care plans. It's bound to be a fantastic freaking day.
Well, I've gotten slightly off track with this post... when does that not happen?
This post was supposed to be about the dream I had last night. Now, please keep judging to a minimum. Actually, you can do what you please because I can't control you and shouldn't try to tell you what to do. :)
Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby. My dream skipped the whole pregnancy and started with me being handed a baby. I was instructed to begin nursing it and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. My mom told me to feed it at 1 and 4. Why only twice? I have no clue. None of this dream made sense. Then I was asked if he looked like the dad or like me. I replied that I didn't know who the dad was because I am not in a relationship and I'm not married. Two guys came to mind though. Country Boy and Best Friend (that I just broke things off with in real life.) I also decided to name the sweet little guy. I couldn't decide a first name, but I wanted his middle name to be Peniel (pronounced PEN-yell) and it means "Face or vision of G-d, that G-d sees." Then I started trying to think of Biblical names or a place to find a good name in the Bible (this was all in my dream.) It went on for a bit longer. It was mainly me feeding him and trying to get my dad to hold him even though he kept refusing.
I don't understand this at all. Why am I having dreams about having babies? I have a lot of these dreams. Do I look more into this whole thing or just ignore them as simply being random pieces of my unconscious that leak into my sleeping state that I may/may not remember in the morning? Seriously, what is this!?!
On a similar note, I have been craving interaction with Country Boy. Folks, I need someone to come and slap me out of this nonsense. I break up with one guy because I can see that our values are not matching and because I am not ready to be tied to another human being. I then turn around and start praying for what I think I want in a husband. I tell G-d that I'm not ready but at the same time I desperately want to find who He wants for me, if there is such a person. Why am I so fickle and continue to flip-flop like this? I say that people drive me nuts, but I make myself more crazy than anyone else ever could. If only I could get away from myself and just reset all of this junk that gets started in my head!
My 3 days of spring break end today and they were nice but not enough. I got to hang out with my dog and my family threw me an early, mini birthday celebration. I turn 20 this year and I am not particularly pleased about that. I don't quite understand why I don't want to turn 20. Is it that I may miss being a teen? Perhaps I think I haven't done enough with my "pre-adult" life? There are a plethora of other reasons as to why I dread every birthday, but this one in particular is already proving to be rough and it hasn't even occurred yet. Needless to say, I HATE birthdays and wish I could travel to some place with a beach, a younger drinking age, and somewhere where nobody knows me. Instead, I get to go to clinicals after taking a nap due to the time it takes to write those dreadful care plans. It's bound to be a fantastic freaking day.
Well, I've gotten slightly off track with this post... when does that not happen?
This post was supposed to be about the dream I had last night. Now, please keep judging to a minimum. Actually, you can do what you please because I can't control you and shouldn't try to tell you what to do. :)
Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby. My dream skipped the whole pregnancy and started with me being handed a baby. I was instructed to begin nursing it and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. My mom told me to feed it at 1 and 4. Why only twice? I have no clue. None of this dream made sense. Then I was asked if he looked like the dad or like me. I replied that I didn't know who the dad was because I am not in a relationship and I'm not married. Two guys came to mind though. Country Boy and Best Friend (that I just broke things off with in real life.) I also decided to name the sweet little guy. I couldn't decide a first name, but I wanted his middle name to be Peniel (pronounced PEN-yell) and it means "Face or vision of G-d, that G-d sees." Then I started trying to think of Biblical names or a place to find a good name in the Bible (this was all in my dream.) It went on for a bit longer. It was mainly me feeding him and trying to get my dad to hold him even though he kept refusing.
I don't understand this at all. Why am I having dreams about having babies? I have a lot of these dreams. Do I look more into this whole thing or just ignore them as simply being random pieces of my unconscious that leak into my sleeping state that I may/may not remember in the morning? Seriously, what is this!?!
On a similar note, I have been craving interaction with Country Boy. Folks, I need someone to come and slap me out of this nonsense. I break up with one guy because I can see that our values are not matching and because I am not ready to be tied to another human being. I then turn around and start praying for what I think I want in a husband. I tell G-d that I'm not ready but at the same time I desperately want to find who He wants for me, if there is such a person. Why am I so fickle and continue to flip-flop like this? I say that people drive me nuts, but I make myself more crazy than anyone else ever could. If only I could get away from myself and just reset all of this junk that gets started in my head!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Lots of News, Several Posts
This post is mostly a warning that I have several chapters all scrunched up into a few days' time. So, I am making several posts. Many will be ranting and raving (congruent with most of my writing) and I apologize. Please pick and choose what you want to read because I am quite long winded and have been keeping all of his stuff bottled up for a very long time!
First Patient
If you have someone in your life who has, is going, or will go to nursing school, you have likely heard about care plans. These are the bane of nursing student's existence. It is essentially an 8-12 hour assignment with less than 24 hours to complete it. There is very little you can work on before getting your patient and it requires a lot of research on one particular person which means you have to be at the hospital for a very long time the night before your clinical rotation.
My first care plan was 18 pages. It took me about 12 hours to complete. I finished most of it at 1:30 a.m. the night before clinicals only to wake up at 4:30 that same day in order to be to clinicals on time. Furthermore, just the med list took me 3.5 HOURS!!! There were close to 30 meds and I had half of them on the pre-made med list given to me by an upperclassman. These things SUCK.
By the time I got to clinicals the next morning, my patient had already been discharged...
I got a new patient (that I absolutely adore). This patient had 1, count 'em... 1 drug. That was insulin.
Dude, seriously?!
Whatever. It was great experience, clinicals were amazing. I had a fantastic nurse again and G-d continues to watch out for me and bless me in the most unexpected ways. He teaches me so much all the time and protects me in the greatest ways.
My first care plan was 18 pages. It took me about 12 hours to complete. I finished most of it at 1:30 a.m. the night before clinicals only to wake up at 4:30 that same day in order to be to clinicals on time. Furthermore, just the med list took me 3.5 HOURS!!! There were close to 30 meds and I had half of them on the pre-made med list given to me by an upperclassman. These things SUCK.
By the time I got to clinicals the next morning, my patient had already been discharged...
I got a new patient (that I absolutely adore). This patient had 1, count 'em... 1 drug. That was insulin.
Dude, seriously?!
Whatever. It was great experience, clinicals were amazing. I had a fantastic nurse again and G-d continues to watch out for me and bless me in the most unexpected ways. He teaches me so much all the time and protects me in the greatest ways.
Liar Liar
This Valentine's Day, my best friend presented me with a teddy bear and a rose. He had asked me out in the past (about a year prior) and I told him we would have to wait to reassess upon our graduation from college. I made the foolish decision to throw that rule out the window and we decided to "try this thing out."
Big mistake.
I saw that we wouldn't work as anything more than friends since before he asked me out last year. I ignored that. Our faith is different. I ignored that. Everything that works as opposites for friends but causes huge problems in a deeper relationship, I ignored.
So, about a month and a half after this thing started, I ended it.
The worst feeling for me is the feeling of disappointing someone I love. I love him but not in a romantic way, it's in a way that I can't even explain. I have never seen someone so hurt because of my actions. I knew that breaking up with someone would be hard, but I didn't realize in what capacity. It's rough guys. But at the same time, it is necessary in some instances if the relationship is against G-d's will.
If you are thinking of getting into a relationship, listen to G-d and your gut feelings. If it seems like a bad decision but your friends, family, and mentors talk you into it, ignore them. If someone has to talk you into it then it's likely not right to begin with.
For years everyone around me (and very few of them know each other) has been trying to talk me into getting into a relationship. For some reason, they feel that I would benefit from having a boyfriend. They have told me it would be fun, good experience, complimenting to my personality, etc. They lied.
For me: having a boyfriend was not fun, it was an increased amount of stress, anxiety attacks, and worsened depression; the good experience part was not entirely false, but it was experience of how selfish I am and how to hurt my closest friend; our personalities complimented each other when we were friends, but in a relationship of this magnitude we were toxic to each other.
They lied. I was foolish. Life sucked because I was outside of G-d's instruction. Also, I feel like a freakin' psycho path because I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would after the break up. 1) He was so stinkin' sweet and said he just needed time, but that we would be friends again. 2) I felt bad that I disappointed him, but I also felt free for the first time in a long time. Shouldn't break ups hurt both people equally? Shouldn't I be incapacitated with grief? Shouldn't I have shed some tears for the friend that I broke?
Good news: I learned to not listen to anyone who tells me to go against what I know G-d has put on my heart, not even my mom or G-dly mentors. We never kissed, even though I was considering it. I learned how selfish I am and I now understand why G-d didn't give me a boyfriend every time I asked Him for one (especially the ones I asked Him for.) I am learning to talk about the hard stuff in life that I'm used to brushing under the rug and ignoring until it goes away. I can hear G-d again when I wasn't able to for several months before and during this whole thing happened. I also learned that no matter how strong the friendship, that won't necessarily make a good relationship. However, if you are friends before the relationship it is more likely that you can be friends afterwards. The friendship will probably change, and not likely in the best way, but you will not necessarily have an enemy. They are also more likely to be understanding as to why you broke up.
For now, I am self medicating with children's movies, work, some Chick-fil-a, and a touch of cookie dough. That day keeps playing over and over in my head and I want to talk to my best friend but he's the one I broke. So, isolation is setting in but at the same time I feel relieved that it's over. I'm taking my hurt to G-d and asking G-d to heal my friend who is hurting much worse than I am. I successfully ruined both of our spring breaks and I changed our friendship forever (or at least the foreseeable future.)
My advice is that you don't jump into anything too rashly. Listen to what G-d is telling you and actually do it. Know that not every friendship is conducive to a romantic (YUCK! I regretted this word choice as I was typing it, but it is what it is.)
Big mistake.
I saw that we wouldn't work as anything more than friends since before he asked me out last year. I ignored that. Our faith is different. I ignored that. Everything that works as opposites for friends but causes huge problems in a deeper relationship, I ignored.
So, about a month and a half after this thing started, I ended it.
The worst feeling for me is the feeling of disappointing someone I love. I love him but not in a romantic way, it's in a way that I can't even explain. I have never seen someone so hurt because of my actions. I knew that breaking up with someone would be hard, but I didn't realize in what capacity. It's rough guys. But at the same time, it is necessary in some instances if the relationship is against G-d's will.
If you are thinking of getting into a relationship, listen to G-d and your gut feelings. If it seems like a bad decision but your friends, family, and mentors talk you into it, ignore them. If someone has to talk you into it then it's likely not right to begin with.
For years everyone around me (and very few of them know each other) has been trying to talk me into getting into a relationship. For some reason, they feel that I would benefit from having a boyfriend. They have told me it would be fun, good experience, complimenting to my personality, etc. They lied.
For me: having a boyfriend was not fun, it was an increased amount of stress, anxiety attacks, and worsened depression; the good experience part was not entirely false, but it was experience of how selfish I am and how to hurt my closest friend; our personalities complimented each other when we were friends, but in a relationship of this magnitude we were toxic to each other.
They lied. I was foolish. Life sucked because I was outside of G-d's instruction. Also, I feel like a freakin' psycho path because I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would after the break up. 1) He was so stinkin' sweet and said he just needed time, but that we would be friends again. 2) I felt bad that I disappointed him, but I also felt free for the first time in a long time. Shouldn't break ups hurt both people equally? Shouldn't I be incapacitated with grief? Shouldn't I have shed some tears for the friend that I broke?
Good news: I learned to not listen to anyone who tells me to go against what I know G-d has put on my heart, not even my mom or G-dly mentors. We never kissed, even though I was considering it. I learned how selfish I am and I now understand why G-d didn't give me a boyfriend every time I asked Him for one (especially the ones I asked Him for.) I am learning to talk about the hard stuff in life that I'm used to brushing under the rug and ignoring until it goes away. I can hear G-d again when I wasn't able to for several months before and during this whole thing happened. I also learned that no matter how strong the friendship, that won't necessarily make a good relationship. However, if you are friends before the relationship it is more likely that you can be friends afterwards. The friendship will probably change, and not likely in the best way, but you will not necessarily have an enemy. They are also more likely to be understanding as to why you broke up.
For now, I am self medicating with children's movies, work, some Chick-fil-a, and a touch of cookie dough. That day keeps playing over and over in my head and I want to talk to my best friend but he's the one I broke. So, isolation is setting in but at the same time I feel relieved that it's over. I'm taking my hurt to G-d and asking G-d to heal my friend who is hurting much worse than I am. I successfully ruined both of our spring breaks and I changed our friendship forever (or at least the foreseeable future.)
My advice is that you don't jump into anything too rashly. Listen to what G-d is telling you and actually do it. Know that not every friendship is conducive to a romantic (YUCK! I regretted this word choice as I was typing it, but it is what it is.)
Summer is Approaching!
To finish this whole posting fest off, let's end on some super exciting news!
This summer has the potential to be absolutely amazing.
My Mema is a NICU nurse. Her sister, also a nurse, is the manager or something of one of the NICU's down where my Mema lives. Mema has talked to her sister and she has offered me the opportunity to go down and shadow some of the NICU nurses on the unit to see if that is actually something I want to do when I graduate!!! Oh my goodness, YES! I am so excited for this opportunity I cannot even express it. G-d blesses me in the most wonderful ways it's completely mind boggling. So, I hope to go stay with my Mema for a few weeks and maybe even shadow her a day or two. I would be so honored to be able to follow her and watch her be in her element because nursing is where I feel the most comfortable and where I feel I actually make sense. I know that's super cheesy, but I don't fit in hardly anywhere, unless I'm in the nursing role. That's what G-d has put on my heart and I am blessed to have found where I am most comfortable.
My Mema is also taking us camping this summer! We are going with both of my dad's brothers and their families the way we used to when I was little. I haven't been able to go for the past few years due to work, but I am totally going this year. I love camping and can't wait to go fishing and be in the water with all of the E. coli, fish pee, and other fun stuff seen in the wild. I'm not even being sarcastic, I know it sounds weird, but my mind is constantly stuck on the science stuff...
I'm also down 11 lbs. now and hope to be able to wear shorts and tank tops on this camping trip. I finally have a destination to set my goal for for weight loss. I want to be tan, able to wear a normal bathing suit, and ready for all sorts of fun this summer.
I'm praying that the L-rd blesses me with a hospital job. If not, then I'll just work a few days a week, just enough to pay bills and have some spending money, and then I am going to rest and have fun the rest of my break. For the past several years I have not had the luxury of having a fun summer, but I am bound and determined to have a good time this year.
I want to go tubing down a river, hiking, swimming with the kids I nanny for, maybe on a road trip to the beach, camping (a lot), and anything else that sounds fun at a particular moment. I also need a list of really great books. Do y'all have any suggestions?
This summer has the potential to be absolutely amazing.
My Mema is a NICU nurse. Her sister, also a nurse, is the manager or something of one of the NICU's down where my Mema lives. Mema has talked to her sister and she has offered me the opportunity to go down and shadow some of the NICU nurses on the unit to see if that is actually something I want to do when I graduate!!! Oh my goodness, YES! I am so excited for this opportunity I cannot even express it. G-d blesses me in the most wonderful ways it's completely mind boggling. So, I hope to go stay with my Mema for a few weeks and maybe even shadow her a day or two. I would be so honored to be able to follow her and watch her be in her element because nursing is where I feel the most comfortable and where I feel I actually make sense. I know that's super cheesy, but I don't fit in hardly anywhere, unless I'm in the nursing role. That's what G-d has put on my heart and I am blessed to have found where I am most comfortable.
My Mema is also taking us camping this summer! We are going with both of my dad's brothers and their families the way we used to when I was little. I haven't been able to go for the past few years due to work, but I am totally going this year. I love camping and can't wait to go fishing and be in the water with all of the E. coli, fish pee, and other fun stuff seen in the wild. I'm not even being sarcastic, I know it sounds weird, but my mind is constantly stuck on the science stuff...
I'm also down 11 lbs. now and hope to be able to wear shorts and tank tops on this camping trip. I finally have a destination to set my goal for for weight loss. I want to be tan, able to wear a normal bathing suit, and ready for all sorts of fun this summer.
I'm praying that the L-rd blesses me with a hospital job. If not, then I'll just work a few days a week, just enough to pay bills and have some spending money, and then I am going to rest and have fun the rest of my break. For the past several years I have not had the luxury of having a fun summer, but I am bound and determined to have a good time this year.
I want to go tubing down a river, hiking, swimming with the kids I nanny for, maybe on a road trip to the beach, camping (a lot), and anything else that sounds fun at a particular moment. I also need a list of really great books. Do y'all have any suggestions?
Saturday, March 15, 2014
9 lbs lost!
Since beginning my weight loss journey a few months ago I have lost 9 pounds so far. I should be much closer to my goal, but I hit a few hard weeks that set me back. However, I am bound and determined to be able to look good while fishing on the bijou this summer with the family from Louisiana so I WILL get there. I don't think I've ever worked so hard at weight loss in my life and I'm not even doing much besides watching my calories, and going to the gym 2-4 times a week (mainly for cardio but I'm beginning to start some toning exercises too!) I just want to be healthy and feel a bit more confidant that people aren't watching me jiggle as I walk...
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
G-d has a sense of humor!
Have y'all discovered this yet? From people stripped down buck naked in the Bible to the things He allows to happen in your life so that you look up to Him, He has a sense of humor.
This post is about a verse He laid on my heart tonight. I don't know how He speaks to you, but He usually gives me the "address" of a verse in the Word to go read. Sometimes it's just a verse and sometimes it is the whole book, just depends. Regardless of what is going on, these verses always hit right on what I am going through whether it be joyous, angering, or what-have-you. Tonight, however, He gave me a single verse.
A little background: Since deciding to "date" my best friend (a guy) from last year, I have been in rough shape. My anxiety has increased several times over. I'm having panic attacks all the time. My brain is unable to focus. I keep thinking of worse case scenarios where I can't win no matter how hard I think about finding a solution. All of this is because I don't want to break his heart. I've known from the beginning (because G-d told be at the start) that we would not be able to work out together. It's simple logistics. He's one political party and I am the complete opposite. He's okay being in the city and I despise it. He is all gum drops and rainbows while I am extremely pessimistic and cynical... on a good day. He LOVES all the mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey nonsense that makes my skin crawl. Last, but certainly not least, he lives for Christmas while I spend all year figuring out how to survive it without having a major throw-down with every cashier wishing me a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" Now, everyone tells me "opposites attract". So what? That doesn't mean they should stay together. In our case, our complete polar opposites works really good for a friendship. It does not work as anything beyond that.
So why did I decide to jump into this train wreck? Good question. I listened to the World instead of to what G-d told me about 5-7 years ago. He told me to wait. He told me that it was possible to marry the first boy I ever really date without kissing him until our wedding day and the marriage could be blessed. He told me the boundaries to keep and He has been giving me hints of what I need in a man that would eventually become my husband. Then I listened to that, while still having my human doubts about everything that sounds too good to be true. I listened for several years while also praying that I would be able to meet my future husband that particular year. This year was no different.
But then I listened to the World. My friends were all rooting for us, but I believe that is because they are living vicariously through us. My mom thought it would be a good idea to get some experience with a boyfriend. My mentor (who is a believer and supports my Messianic beliefs) believed I needed to experience all college has to offer, including the "fun" of being attached to another person. My best friend (the guy) thought that it would be fun and exciting. Granted, he is extremely biased because he is on the receiving end of this deal. No matter who I talked to, or how much I explained my reasoning's for refraining from dating, everyone in the World that I talked to told me to jump in and roll with it. Even the pastor at my church started talking about "walking in faith".
Guess what? EVERYONE OF THE WORLD LIED!!! It'll be fun they said. It'll be a good experience, they said. It won't hurt, they said. It's exciting, they said. Bologna! I don't know that I have ever been so anxious or fallen back into my depression so fast as I did when I agreed to this. No joke and I'm not exaggerating. This whole thing makes me feel like I'm seriously broken in the head because everyone around me is excited for this whole thing to go down and I am dreading every waking moment. Then, when I'm asleep, I have bad dreams about it. Movies and TV shows say that it is so great to be in a relationship. Blah, blah, blah. So far, this is less than ideal.
Despite all of this, I believe that G-d can allow me to be excited one day for the man that I am supposed to marry. Maybe at that time, I will no longer be broken and G-d can show me a deeper version of the love He has for us by allowing me to experience dating and marriage on His time and not on mine.
To get back to the verse, though, He gave me one that I couldn't help but laugh at. I was already in bed with all the lights off, reading the Word while I start to fall asleep. However, upon reading this verse, I couldn't help but wake myself back up so that I could talk about and share it with y'all. He gave it to me after I had been pleading with Him to allow my best friend to decide to break up with me on his own. That's when the Ruach HaKodesh (Hebrew for Holy Spirit) reminded me that G-d allows us to screw up so that He can teach us some lessons in the midst of being frustrated and punishing ourselves for being foolish. It was impressed upon me to be thankful for the lessons and listen for what G-d wants to tell me. So, I thanked Him repeatedly and waited for a verse.
Moments later I received the verse Proverbs 5:13. It says: "I ignored what my teachers said, I didn't listen to my instructors." In my case, I listened to my teachers and instructors of this world instead of listening to the Teacher and my only Instructor. Just because people go to church and you trust them doesn't mean that they know what G-d has in store for you. They have no real way of knowing that unless G-d shows or tells them. Chances are, they are giving you advice from their own experiences and learning but you need to run that all past G-d before acting on their instruction. To make it even easier, don't sample from several people before you find an answer you like. I did that and got no answers that I liked or that I agreed with, but I followed them anyway and now I am paying for it. Just pray and ask G-d about everything. He will answer you but sometimes you have to be patient. Also remember to Praise G-d in the storm and not just when things are hunky dory.
This post is about a verse He laid on my heart tonight. I don't know how He speaks to you, but He usually gives me the "address" of a verse in the Word to go read. Sometimes it's just a verse and sometimes it is the whole book, just depends. Regardless of what is going on, these verses always hit right on what I am going through whether it be joyous, angering, or what-have-you. Tonight, however, He gave me a single verse.
A little background: Since deciding to "date" my best friend (a guy) from last year, I have been in rough shape. My anxiety has increased several times over. I'm having panic attacks all the time. My brain is unable to focus. I keep thinking of worse case scenarios where I can't win no matter how hard I think about finding a solution. All of this is because I don't want to break his heart. I've known from the beginning (because G-d told be at the start) that we would not be able to work out together. It's simple logistics. He's one political party and I am the complete opposite. He's okay being in the city and I despise it. He is all gum drops and rainbows while I am extremely pessimistic and cynical... on a good day. He LOVES all the mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey nonsense that makes my skin crawl. Last, but certainly not least, he lives for Christmas while I spend all year figuring out how to survive it without having a major throw-down with every cashier wishing me a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" Now, everyone tells me "opposites attract". So what? That doesn't mean they should stay together. In our case, our complete polar opposites works really good for a friendship. It does not work as anything beyond that.
So why did I decide to jump into this train wreck? Good question. I listened to the World instead of to what G-d told me about 5-7 years ago. He told me to wait. He told me that it was possible to marry the first boy I ever really date without kissing him until our wedding day and the marriage could be blessed. He told me the boundaries to keep and He has been giving me hints of what I need in a man that would eventually become my husband. Then I listened to that, while still having my human doubts about everything that sounds too good to be true. I listened for several years while also praying that I would be able to meet my future husband that particular year. This year was no different.
But then I listened to the World. My friends were all rooting for us, but I believe that is because they are living vicariously through us. My mom thought it would be a good idea to get some experience with a boyfriend. My mentor (who is a believer and supports my Messianic beliefs) believed I needed to experience all college has to offer, including the "fun" of being attached to another person. My best friend (the guy) thought that it would be fun and exciting. Granted, he is extremely biased because he is on the receiving end of this deal. No matter who I talked to, or how much I explained my reasoning's for refraining from dating, everyone in the World that I talked to told me to jump in and roll with it. Even the pastor at my church started talking about "walking in faith".
Guess what? EVERYONE OF THE WORLD LIED!!! It'll be fun they said. It'll be a good experience, they said. It won't hurt, they said. It's exciting, they said. Bologna! I don't know that I have ever been so anxious or fallen back into my depression so fast as I did when I agreed to this. No joke and I'm not exaggerating. This whole thing makes me feel like I'm seriously broken in the head because everyone around me is excited for this whole thing to go down and I am dreading every waking moment. Then, when I'm asleep, I have bad dreams about it. Movies and TV shows say that it is so great to be in a relationship. Blah, blah, blah. So far, this is less than ideal.
Despite all of this, I believe that G-d can allow me to be excited one day for the man that I am supposed to marry. Maybe at that time, I will no longer be broken and G-d can show me a deeper version of the love He has for us by allowing me to experience dating and marriage on His time and not on mine.
To get back to the verse, though, He gave me one that I couldn't help but laugh at. I was already in bed with all the lights off, reading the Word while I start to fall asleep. However, upon reading this verse, I couldn't help but wake myself back up so that I could talk about and share it with y'all. He gave it to me after I had been pleading with Him to allow my best friend to decide to break up with me on his own. That's when the Ruach HaKodesh (Hebrew for Holy Spirit) reminded me that G-d allows us to screw up so that He can teach us some lessons in the midst of being frustrated and punishing ourselves for being foolish. It was impressed upon me to be thankful for the lessons and listen for what G-d wants to tell me. So, I thanked Him repeatedly and waited for a verse.
Moments later I received the verse Proverbs 5:13. It says: "I ignored what my teachers said, I didn't listen to my instructors." In my case, I listened to my teachers and instructors of this world instead of listening to the Teacher and my only Instructor. Just because people go to church and you trust them doesn't mean that they know what G-d has in store for you. They have no real way of knowing that unless G-d shows or tells them. Chances are, they are giving you advice from their own experiences and learning but you need to run that all past G-d before acting on their instruction. To make it even easier, don't sample from several people before you find an answer you like. I did that and got no answers that I liked or that I agreed with, but I followed them anyway and now I am paying for it. Just pray and ask G-d about everything. He will answer you but sometimes you have to be patient. Also remember to Praise G-d in the storm and not just when things are hunky dory.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Daylight Savings Time = Spring Forward
I highly dislike the Spring Forward of Daylight Savings. Why are we still doing this time change every year? Oy! I have so much to do today and now an hour less time to do it in. Good news, however, is that it is beautiful outside so I went and tanned while watching my teacher's online lecture. I am bound and determined to be 1) tanned this summer, 2) able to wear a two, count 'em TWO, piece bathing suit instead of my current 4 piecer, and 3) I want to go to a bunch of parties, find new friends, and have a good time for the first time since I was about 12 and we had a bunch of kids living on my cul-de-sac.
I want to go hunting, fishing, tubing (down a river and maybe behind a boat), 4-wheeling, riding horses, possibly practice giving IM's on a friend's critters, and a whole bunch of things that do not have anything to do with school (minus the shots) and hardly any work. I have a feeling I'll be pulling a bunch of doubles, like 4 in a row, so that I can be at the pool for a solid 2 weeks in between working sets. Maybe I could even get a PRN job at a hospital so that I wouldn't even have to do these silly doubles. It's all dependent G-d's planning and timing, but I pray He has a fun, relaxing summer in store for me.
Guys, I've been bad on my weight loss plans. I lost 8 lbs. at one point, then I gained back a couple pounds. I am back down to losing 8 from my heaviest (about 2 months ago). So, that's exciting. However, I want to lose about 15-20 more pounds so that I can wear a modest tankini and get a tan. I also want to wear shorts and a tank top while climbing the Stairs Hike (also so that I can get tan while hiking). This year, I hope to finish that thing in under 30 minutes. We'll see how that goes, but I've been working on increasing my lung capacity through cardio and I'm fixin' to start weight machines so that I can have strong, toned arms and legs. Maybe I'll finally work off the rest of my baby weight (not from having a kid but still just my chub from being a kid) at the age of 19 (almost 20). I'm on SparkPeople though, if you would like to friend me and we can encourage each other and whatnot! My username is: BedpanAlley in case you are interested.
Oh my gosh! I almost forgot about line dancing!!! I'm doing it this summer. There has to be a bar or honky tonk somewhere in this state. I got my boots, found a friend to accompany me, and I know some of the moves, I just need to lose a little weight and find a place to go.
Spring gets me all sorts of excited. I hope summer is actually as fun as I'm dreaming it will be...
Do y'all have summer plans yet? I would love some more ideas!
Daily Thanksgiving: I'm sort of productive today. I have finished a project a week ahead of time twice now! That's huge for me because I am a Procrastinator with a capitol P. I have begun to lose weight and know that I have what it takes. Also, I really enjoy cardio. I could walk on the treadmill or elliptical all day (well, sorta) so now I just have to figure out how to stay motivated on those silly weight machines. My weekend was fantastic and today is gorgeous.
I'll tell you about the first college party I've ever been to tomorrow...
I want to go hunting, fishing, tubing (down a river and maybe behind a boat), 4-wheeling, riding horses, possibly practice giving IM's on a friend's critters, and a whole bunch of things that do not have anything to do with school (minus the shots) and hardly any work. I have a feeling I'll be pulling a bunch of doubles, like 4 in a row, so that I can be at the pool for a solid 2 weeks in between working sets. Maybe I could even get a PRN job at a hospital so that I wouldn't even have to do these silly doubles. It's all dependent G-d's planning and timing, but I pray He has a fun, relaxing summer in store for me.
Guys, I've been bad on my weight loss plans. I lost 8 lbs. at one point, then I gained back a couple pounds. I am back down to losing 8 from my heaviest (about 2 months ago). So, that's exciting. However, I want to lose about 15-20 more pounds so that I can wear a modest tankini and get a tan. I also want to wear shorts and a tank top while climbing the Stairs Hike (also so that I can get tan while hiking). This year, I hope to finish that thing in under 30 minutes. We'll see how that goes, but I've been working on increasing my lung capacity through cardio and I'm fixin' to start weight machines so that I can have strong, toned arms and legs. Maybe I'll finally work off the rest of my baby weight (not from having a kid but still just my chub from being a kid) at the age of 19 (almost 20). I'm on SparkPeople though, if you would like to friend me and we can encourage each other and whatnot! My username is: BedpanAlley in case you are interested.
Oh my gosh! I almost forgot about line dancing!!! I'm doing it this summer. There has to be a bar or honky tonk somewhere in this state. I got my boots, found a friend to accompany me, and I know some of the moves, I just need to lose a little weight and find a place to go.
Spring gets me all sorts of excited. I hope summer is actually as fun as I'm dreaming it will be...
Do y'all have summer plans yet? I would love some more ideas!
Daily Thanksgiving: I'm sort of productive today. I have finished a project a week ahead of time twice now! That's huge for me because I am a Procrastinator with a capitol P. I have begun to lose weight and know that I have what it takes. Also, I really enjoy cardio. I could walk on the treadmill or elliptical all day (well, sorta) so now I just have to figure out how to stay motivated on those silly weight machines. My weekend was fantastic and today is gorgeous.
I'll tell you about the first college party I've ever been to tomorrow...
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Needles and Oranges
Today I got to spend all day practicing giving shots on an orange! Oh man, I was so ridiculously excited for today's lab I don't think I've ever been so stoked to go to school. We all practiced so much that when we injected fluid into one part of the orange, another hole from a previous injection would start to squirt out! Now I just love needles even more. It's weird, I know because I've been told it's a strange obsession by several people over the course of my life (especially in this last week or so). But I can't help it. I'm find being poked and I'm getting comfortable poking other people. In fact, I donate platelets just to watch the needle go in my arm and
<- Platelets
What makes anyone think breaking glass with your hands would be a good idea? Especially when the glass contains medications that may/may not be dangerous to bare skin? C'mon folks, let's use our brains here...
Hospital mindset:
So, that was my day. How was yours?
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d's grace is abounding and He doesn't get impatient with me regardless of how many times I mess up my life. He is currently teaching me long-term forgiveness and how to talk through tough life decision with Him before turning to those around me. Believe it or not, I'm actually learning how to do it! Talk to Him without talking to the people around me, that is. It's hard because I used to rely on Him for everything because I didn't trust anyone else, not even my parents. He taught me how to trust people a bit more and then I trusted them too much instead of continuing to rely on Him. Life is all about finding an equilibrium and following what G-d tells you to do. When you do, regardless of how hard it is in the moment, your life can only improve instead of stalling and beginning to reverse or go down a bad road. Praise the L-rd for instructing us because He loves us.
Verse of the week/month for me is Proverbs 3:11-12 "My son, don't despise Ad-nai's discipline or resent his reproof; for Ad-nai corrects those he loves like a father who delights in his son." (Complete Jewish Bible)
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Need a Shrink?
Amongst all of the "fun" classes of nursing school, I have the mandatory privilege of taking health promotion. At first I didn't think I would like the class. Actually, I was convinced it was going to be worse that getting every single one of my teeth pulled without any anesthesia. Turns out that even classes that are supposed to put me to sleep can be made fun with the right teacher. Praise the L-rd I have the right teacher! She's adorable.
So, she decided to have our class hold our own health screening day. I was actually excited about this because I would get to choose the screening instead of finding local screenings and then signing up to possibly help with those. I LOVE screenings! I can't explain it, but it's a great deal of fun to talk to tons of people and do medical stuff because I feel smart and special.
We also got to choose our own group. If that doesn't tell you how great this teacher is, then I don't know what will convince you.
Anyway, our group decided to screen for anxiety. I have a feeling it was slightly because I have mentioned how anxious I get when sitting next to the same friends that were in my group. The other reason they chose that (I was not included in the decision making process because I went and got food or something) is likely because they found a super simple, short little survey online so we really didn't even have to do much.
Take the Anxiety Screening quiz here. (Just make sure to do it in another tab so that you can have your score and the results up while reading the rest of this post.)
Before the screening day at school, I did not take the test. By the time we did everything we needed to and we all cycled through the other stations at the event, my friends dared me to take it.
Guys, I got a 42. At that point they all laughed with/at me, I can't remember. Good news, however, I think they finally believe that I really am an anxious person. My score suggested that I seek help because I am most likely diagnosable with some sort of anxiety related issue, and very likely more than one such ailment. Super.
Now, I have to share the set-up of our screening tables because I thought it was pretty funny because they all pertain to me and my friends found out my results from these different things and I think they are slightly scared for me. They shouldn't be, not really anyway.
So, we were the first table. We were screening for anxiety. Next in line was a test for suicide risk and preventative measures. (Remember that I have unsuccessfully attempted suicide. Thus this blog was created and I am still breathing. Praise the L-rd!) Next in line was alcoholism (I'm not an alcoholic! That was the one that really had nothing to do with me.) Then was depression. Out of 5 classifications of screening results, I was borderline between the most severe and the next step down. My friends kinda flipped out about this one because they never suspected me to be depressed I guess. Then was risky behavior. I was in the "Superb" range because I don't EVER do anything that is more risky than walking because with me, even that can prove fatal or extremely dangerous. Finally, there was blood pressure screening. By the time I was through the rest of the stations, I was so stressed that my BP was about 20 points higher than I normally am. It was still within normal limits, but that's still a big jump for me.
That brings us to the title of today's post... I'm thinking of going to see a therapist. Maybe not a shrink, but someone that may be able to help me in this craziness.
What did y'all score? You don't have to share. If any of you guys scored similarly to me, private message me or comment on this post and we can help each other through. I typically want to hibernate when I'm depressed and anxious, but maybe it would be beneficial to discuss causes and symptoms?
Daily Thanksgiving: I am extremely grateful for G-d's grace despite my increasing foolishness and continued rebellion. School is going well and clinicals are super fun (so far)! I get to learn how to pass meds and... wait for it... I GET TO LEARN HOW TO GIVE SHOTS!!!!!!!! I don't know that I've ever been so excited for school as I am for this coming Fundamentals lab. Guys, I still can't even believe that He got me into nursing school and He allowed me to survive the first semester of nursing school. He is bringing me to the meat and potatoes.
Well, y'all have a good night/day. I'm fixin' to head to bed so it's sweet dreams for me!
So, she decided to have our class hold our own health screening day. I was actually excited about this because I would get to choose the screening instead of finding local screenings and then signing up to possibly help with those. I LOVE screenings! I can't explain it, but it's a great deal of fun to talk to tons of people and do medical stuff because I feel smart and special.
We also got to choose our own group. If that doesn't tell you how great this teacher is, then I don't know what will convince you.
Anyway, our group decided to screen for anxiety. I have a feeling it was slightly because I have mentioned how anxious I get when sitting next to the same friends that were in my group. The other reason they chose that (I was not included in the decision making process because I went and got food or something) is likely because they found a super simple, short little survey online so we really didn't even have to do much.
Take the Anxiety Screening quiz here. (Just make sure to do it in another tab so that you can have your score and the results up while reading the rest of this post.)
Before the screening day at school, I did not take the test. By the time we did everything we needed to and we all cycled through the other stations at the event, my friends dared me to take it.
Guys, I got a 42. At that point they all laughed with/at me, I can't remember. Good news, however, I think they finally believe that I really am an anxious person. My score suggested that I seek help because I am most likely diagnosable with some sort of anxiety related issue, and very likely more than one such ailment. Super.
Now, I have to share the set-up of our screening tables because I thought it was pretty funny because they all pertain to me and my friends found out my results from these different things and I think they are slightly scared for me. They shouldn't be, not really anyway.
So, we were the first table. We were screening for anxiety. Next in line was a test for suicide risk and preventative measures. (Remember that I have unsuccessfully attempted suicide. Thus this blog was created and I am still breathing. Praise the L-rd!) Next in line was alcoholism (I'm not an alcoholic! That was the one that really had nothing to do with me.) Then was depression. Out of 5 classifications of screening results, I was borderline between the most severe and the next step down. My friends kinda flipped out about this one because they never suspected me to be depressed I guess. Then was risky behavior. I was in the "Superb" range because I don't EVER do anything that is more risky than walking because with me, even that can prove fatal or extremely dangerous. Finally, there was blood pressure screening. By the time I was through the rest of the stations, I was so stressed that my BP was about 20 points higher than I normally am. It was still within normal limits, but that's still a big jump for me.
That brings us to the title of today's post... I'm thinking of going to see a therapist. Maybe not a shrink, but someone that may be able to help me in this craziness.
What did y'all score? You don't have to share. If any of you guys scored similarly to me, private message me or comment on this post and we can help each other through. I typically want to hibernate when I'm depressed and anxious, but maybe it would be beneficial to discuss causes and symptoms?
Daily Thanksgiving: I am extremely grateful for G-d's grace despite my increasing foolishness and continued rebellion. School is going well and clinicals are super fun (so far)! I get to learn how to pass meds and... wait for it... I GET TO LEARN HOW TO GIVE SHOTS!!!!!!!! I don't know that I've ever been so excited for school as I am for this coming Fundamentals lab. Guys, I still can't even believe that He got me into nursing school and He allowed me to survive the first semester of nursing school. He is bringing me to the meat and potatoes.
Well, y'all have a good night/day. I'm fixin' to head to bed so it's sweet dreams for me!
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