I am trying to start exercising now that I have time and hardly anything to do... with the exception of the next three days where I'm working every hour that I'm awake and only going home to get a couple winks of sleep and maybe a bite to eat.
Normally, this plan does not bode well for me and nothing happens. This time, however, I'm starting well. Of course, it's hard to keep going until I have a routine and get past the daily soreness that is nearly debilitating. But I have worked out about 3 times in the past 4 days or so. Plus, I workout when I'm studying. I study until I can't handle it and get really unproductive (about 20-30 minutes, like clockwork). Then, I'm so bored that almost anything sounds more fun. So, I do my tricep dips with the coffee table, some pushups, crunches, bicycle crunches, squats, lunges, and some hip flexor/extensor things (as seen performed by Audrey in Pitch Perfect when she learned their group was moving onto Nationals). It's a pretty good, short work-out that still gets me sore enough to actually do something for my muscles.
Today, I tried a new work-out that I found on Pinterest. Oh man, it had me shaking so much! It's good for apartment living because unless you fall, you won't be making a lot/any noise for the people living below you. I bet I'll be really sore. I like that kind of sore. Unfortunately, I have to work tonight at my CNA job and I work a double tomorrow and a shift the following day... NOT good when I'm sore. Oh well, eventually I'll get stronger and smarter to know to not pick up anymore CNA shifts.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
"Proof That Every Country Song Was Exactly The Same In 2013"
This is a post I found on Facebook from a singer/songwriter I follow. I think it's pretty funny because it's pretty accurate and I LOVE country music. The only thing is: they keep showing the same 5 artists and don't venture out to the hundreds of others that are out there, so it will naturally talk about the same things. Plus, life in small towns revolve around girls in tight jeans (I'm not proud of that), alcohol, trucks, calling girls "girl", dirt roads, and rivers/ponds. That is country life in a nutshell + farming. But, it makes there point and it got me laughing!
Check it out here.
It's also on my Pinterest feed.
Check it out here.
It's also on my Pinterest feed.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Ice Skating Celebration
Last night, I got to go out to dinner with a few of my friends from the nursing program. Afterwards, we went ice skating and had an absolute blast! It turns out that I am one of the youngest people in the program. This is quite unfortunate because everyone else was able to have a few drinks with dinner and I was just sittin' there sippin' water... Oh well.
Dinner was fun even though only 6 of our 40+ fellow students showed up. Then by friend's boyfriend showed up. He is super nice and I'm glad that they have fun together, but it reinforces the fact that I am alone. Never had a boyfriend and while I was once okay/happy being single, I'm finding myself wanting one again. It's frustrating.
Ice skating was so much fun! We went to an outdoor rink. It was so much better than an indoor rink because you get to see the stars and all the decorated houses. Besides the cold and the rockier ice, it was significantly more enjoyable than the indoor rink I am accustomed to. That is also largely because of the friends I was with.
Then, all of a sudden, everyone stopped skating. I looked around for the cause and some guy was proposing to his girlfriend on the rink. Amidst the, "aaah's" and "Oh my gosh, that is so cute's," I remained calm. Barely able to keep myself together, but I did. All night, that was all anyone could talk about. I'm happy for them. Truly, I am. It's just hard to watch right now.
How do I get past all of this jealousy and cynicism? There has to be a way, I just need a road map, the pills to make it so, and perhaps the Voice of G-d speaking into my life saying when, where, and how I will meet my future husband. Unfortunately, the first two are unrealistic and G-d doesn't typically give dates and times of future happenings in our lives. Think about how boring that would be!
Update on grades: My B- in Basic Assessment got changed to a B+ when my teacher dropped our quizzes. Then, I checked my final posted grades today and she ended up rounding up my grade so I got an A-!!! So, I got an A, A-, B, and two B-'s. Praise the L-rd!!! G-d answered my prayers about score rounding and so my GPA is significantly higher than I was projecting it at.
Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to no work. I got to go to dinner and ice skating with some of my nursing school friends. G-d not only let me pass my first semester of nursing school, but He brought my grades up as well. I did not fall a single time while ice skating! I am on break and enjoying my new downtime.
Dinner was fun even though only 6 of our 40+ fellow students showed up. Then by friend's boyfriend showed up. He is super nice and I'm glad that they have fun together, but it reinforces the fact that I am alone. Never had a boyfriend and while I was once okay/happy being single, I'm finding myself wanting one again. It's frustrating.
Ice skating was so much fun! We went to an outdoor rink. It was so much better than an indoor rink because you get to see the stars and all the decorated houses. Besides the cold and the rockier ice, it was significantly more enjoyable than the indoor rink I am accustomed to. That is also largely because of the friends I was with.
Then, all of a sudden, everyone stopped skating. I looked around for the cause and some guy was proposing to his girlfriend on the rink. Amidst the, "aaah's" and "Oh my gosh, that is so cute's," I remained calm. Barely able to keep myself together, but I did. All night, that was all anyone could talk about. I'm happy for them. Truly, I am. It's just hard to watch right now.
How do I get past all of this jealousy and cynicism? There has to be a way, I just need a road map, the pills to make it so, and perhaps the Voice of G-d speaking into my life saying when, where, and how I will meet my future husband. Unfortunately, the first two are unrealistic and G-d doesn't typically give dates and times of future happenings in our lives. Think about how boring that would be!
Update on grades: My B- in Basic Assessment got changed to a B+ when my teacher dropped our quizzes. Then, I checked my final posted grades today and she ended up rounding up my grade so I got an A-!!! So, I got an A, A-, B, and two B-'s. Praise the L-rd!!! G-d answered my prayers about score rounding and so my GPA is significantly higher than I was projecting it at.
Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to no work. I got to go to dinner and ice skating with some of my nursing school friends. G-d not only let me pass my first semester of nursing school, but He brought my grades up as well. I did not fall a single time while ice skating! I am on break and enjoying my new downtime.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Phil Fired?!
Everyone knows I love Duck Dynasty, right? Have y'all heard that Phil Robertson has been put on indefinite hiatus from Duck Dynasty on A&E!? Guys, he got "fired" (not really, but kinda) because he stood up for G-d, the Bible, and his beliefs. I, for one, am glad that he did because we are all called to defend the Word and share it with the world. So, I support him because he is sticking up for the L-rd.
To me, it sounds like A&E almost baited him like the Pharisee's and Sadducee's did with Yeshua (Jesus). Now, I am not entirely certain of this because I only had time to read one post about the whole ordeal tonight, but I will continue to look into the matter. However, it seems like they (A&E) asked Phil about his beliefs and about homosexuality. Phil then responded respectfully saying that he does not agree with homosexuality because G-d put in the Bible that it is a sin. WE ALL SIN!!! Pointing that little fact out is not hateful and it is not meant to cause shame or harm to anyone. He went on to explain that he still loves everyone whether homosexual, bisexual, hetero, etc. and he just doesn't agree with their lifestyle. "Love the sinner, hate the sin" is an excellent quote summing the whole thing. For this, Phil was put on indefinite hiatus. Folks, don't think that just because we are 2000 years past ordeals that Yeshua and the disciples went through, that we are immune from persecution from the world. If we are speaking Truth, there is a good chance someone will be offended and they will stir up a world of hurt. Well, they can try. In reality, G-d is in control, He just lets them make a big deal about how upset they are.
There is nothing new under the sun and this will absolutely NOT be the last time someone is "fired" or harassed for their beliefs. Make sure you speak respectfully. Practice what you have to say about all issues in the world today. If you do not have a respectful way to say something, or you do not know enough about a certain issue and how G-d says to handle it in the Bible and through prayer, tell the person/people that you will get back to them. We are not here to offend everyone and hurt everyone's feelings. We are here to love on them but also give them answers according to what the God Book says, should they ask. Don't go looking for trouble. If someone comes to you with a question/dilemma, consult G-d, the Bible, and possibly a rabbi/pastor/elder/etc. Do not blindly answer questions about tough issues. Make sure to do your research thoroughly and not just a glance at Google's top hit. Be ready to defend the name of Yeshua and Ad-nai. Always be ready to give account for the Hope you have in Yeshua and make sure that you can make a stand for G-d when the time comes. My time has come a lot, and there are more coming. It's life. G-d is also wanting to know that you are not lukewarm. He says there is nothing so bad as a lukewarm believer, so make sure you know what side of the fence you're on and then stay on it!
Fellow believers, do not be so naive to think that the occasion will not arise that you will have to defend G-d, your faith, your friends, and anything else of value to you. It will happen. Find encouragement and Shalom in the L-rd and in the Word, but be prepared. I love you, my dear brothers and sisters in the L-rd.
To me, it sounds like A&E almost baited him like the Pharisee's and Sadducee's did with Yeshua (Jesus). Now, I am not entirely certain of this because I only had time to read one post about the whole ordeal tonight, but I will continue to look into the matter. However, it seems like they (A&E) asked Phil about his beliefs and about homosexuality. Phil then responded respectfully saying that he does not agree with homosexuality because G-d put in the Bible that it is a sin. WE ALL SIN!!! Pointing that little fact out is not hateful and it is not meant to cause shame or harm to anyone. He went on to explain that he still loves everyone whether homosexual, bisexual, hetero, etc. and he just doesn't agree with their lifestyle. "Love the sinner, hate the sin" is an excellent quote summing the whole thing. For this, Phil was put on indefinite hiatus. Folks, don't think that just because we are 2000 years past ordeals that Yeshua and the disciples went through, that we are immune from persecution from the world. If we are speaking Truth, there is a good chance someone will be offended and they will stir up a world of hurt. Well, they can try. In reality, G-d is in control, He just lets them make a big deal about how upset they are.
There is nothing new under the sun and this will absolutely NOT be the last time someone is "fired" or harassed for their beliefs. Make sure you speak respectfully. Practice what you have to say about all issues in the world today. If you do not have a respectful way to say something, or you do not know enough about a certain issue and how G-d says to handle it in the Bible and through prayer, tell the person/people that you will get back to them. We are not here to offend everyone and hurt everyone's feelings. We are here to love on them but also give them answers according to what the God Book says, should they ask. Don't go looking for trouble. If someone comes to you with a question/dilemma, consult G-d, the Bible, and possibly a rabbi/pastor/elder/etc. Do not blindly answer questions about tough issues. Make sure to do your research thoroughly and not just a glance at Google's top hit. Be ready to defend the name of Yeshua and Ad-nai. Always be ready to give account for the Hope you have in Yeshua and make sure that you can make a stand for G-d when the time comes. My time has come a lot, and there are more coming. It's life. G-d is also wanting to know that you are not lukewarm. He says there is nothing so bad as a lukewarm believer, so make sure you know what side of the fence you're on and then stay on it!
Fellow believers, do not be so naive to think that the occasion will not arise that you will have to defend G-d, your faith, your friends, and anything else of value to you. It will happen. Find encouragement and Shalom in the L-rd and in the Word, but be prepared. I love you, my dear brothers and sisters in the L-rd.
ALL DONE!!!
Folks, I finished all my finals!!! Better yet, G-d let me pass the first semester of nursing school when I was certain I would fail at least 1-2 of my 5 classes!
The feeling of being done is so beautiful I can't even describe it. But G-d got me through. Oh man, I just can't get over that fact. Now I get to move onto clincals and get into some actual nursing.
My last final today for Foundations I studied for a total of probably 30 minutes because I could get a 0% and still pass. Man, 95% of the questions had an answer of "All of the above" and 4% had matching. Seriously 2 questions actually required me to pick out the answer that was an actual answer besides "All of the above". How crazy is that!?! Granted, I was a bit paranoid at the time and my Scantron was filled with the answer D, but my friends said their was the same way so I think I may get to keep my one A for this semester!
The teacher for that class is also my teacher for Basic Assessment and I may end up getting a solid B instead of a B- for that class because she is dropping the 2 quizzes that were ridiculously hard and that counted for 10% of our grade. Instead, she is making our final grade go from 10% of our total grade to 20%. Moral of that long-winded story is that I may get one less B- than I thought!!!
Yesterday was a good day and it just kept on getting better. Today is even better than yesterday and it continues to get better. I'm scared for tomorrow because this is either a manic episode or G-d is just letting me have a slight break from the craziness that surrounds me on all sides. Either way, I can't tell. Oh well, I think I'm going to enjoy a little down time before I work tomorrow at my IT job and I'll let you guys know how Friday night out with my nursing class goes, if we end up going out. Now, that I got the day back off from work (after they called me in, I ended up emailing my boss and backing out) nobody even knows if this shindig is still going down!
Icing on the cake that was my day, my hair curled enough to look absolutely adorable. Aaaaaaah, this was a good day.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
My Simple Dream
In an effort to be totally real with y'all, so that you know that everyone struggles with silly stuff, I want to confess something to you guys. I keep coming up with situations that seem fun in my head or ideas of the type of guy I want and somehow I turn them into a type of prayer that is really more of my telling G-d a laundry list of things I want. Recently, I have caught myself almost asking, "L-rd, is this too much to ask?" I don't really mean it, but it's gotten into my head somehow. Maybe I picked it up from some of the funny quotes I'm bombarded with everyday or perhaps it was sprinkled through Pinterest. Either way, I'm appalled at myself for ever even thinking to ask G-d this. All thing are possible through Him because He created ALL things. He could give me the things I think I want, but would that be a good idea? Probably not, that's why He hasn't given them to me. Or, maybe He is saving it for sometime in the future. I don't know which because I can't see to the end of my life and all that happens between now and then. Sometimes I wish I could, but it's probably best that I can't.
Lately, I've really been craving a good, down-home, proper, country bonfire. Now, my college tried to hold a "bonfire" to celebrate homecoming week. Nothing about it was right.
The bonfires I'm talkin' 'bout have music up on a flatbed trailer because that's the only right way to do it...
But, if you don't have buddies in a bad, a circle of trucks with their radios cranked on the same station will do...
You gotta have beer (for those 21 and over)...
And you have to have loads of people surrounding the main even, a large pile of fire. Yes, fire can be in a pile, just trust me on this one...
These are just the necessities! You also typically need some fun guys and gals. Some down-to-earth country boys are usually the best fit because they worked hard all day/week and are ready for some fun!
Add in a tractor pulling a little trailer outfitted with some benches of straw/hay and you got yourself the best hangout you could imagine...
There may be some swimmin', and that includes skinny dipping, but I don't roll that way because I just don't. I can't even wear a tank top with my closest gal pals, how am I supposed to take off everything but my birthday suit or skivvy's to go swimming in some leech infested, stagnant water? No thank you! I will go in broad daylight wearing my nun's outfit of a "bathing suit" and that'll do me.
Guns may be brought out before the sun sets all the way and before people are completely plastered just to blow some steam and get some good chemicals (oxytocin, my favorite hormone, among others) pumpin' through everyone's veins...
Most of all, bonfires are just about kickin' back, chillin' and having a good time with your friends after a lot of work and likely a lot of stress. I haven't been to a bonfire, let alone a good bonfire since I was a kid. I couldn't drink at those either, because I was a child (probably 10 and under), but I sure did have a good time anyway! All of us kids, meaning me (the only girl) and all the boys (around 5-10), would run around lighting fire crackers, roasting marshmallows, and doing everything that was frowned upon in "normal" life. Normal life simply means the city life full of suburbs, people everywhere telling me what to do, and nobody having similar views on the way life should be handled. Those weekends were like family reunions and happened nearly every other weekend. Those people are my family especially because we don't talk to my mom's family and we aren't super close with my dad's side either. But we were so close with that huge group of friends that were closer and more connected and committed than our biological family. I miss that.
Another confession is that I have been craving a beer or some type of alcohol all week. I know that it will not necessarily make life more fun. Also, it's not good to "self medicate" with mood altering drugs. Not to mention, I'm only 19 and have never had a drink before, but I'm getting this craving for beer again. The Bible says: "There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God" (Ecclesiastes 2:24). But, I'm also supposed to follow the law because G-d said so. I doubt that I would/will ever get plastered, but I just want some kind of fun in my life! Alcohol never seemed like it would be fun or worth it until this summer at about the same time that boys suddenly became attractive. Dagnabbit! (That is how you spell it. It is a word. Well, where I come from it's a word.) What kind of trauma did I incur that I now want to drink a little bit, go to bonfire parties, have a boyfriend, and actually find boys cute!?!
Haha, I told my friend that I never used to think guys were cute until sometime this summer and she informed me that it happened suddenly to her too... somewhere in middle school... at the beginning of puberty. I'm not convinced that I may be slightly academically developed, thought I'm certainly still working on that, but I am severely developmentally delayed. I'm in college and just now starting to think guys are cute. What is going on?!
Lately, I've really been craving a good, down-home, proper, country bonfire. Now, my college tried to hold a "bonfire" to celebrate homecoming week. Nothing about it was right.
The bonfires I'm talkin' 'bout have music up on a flatbed trailer because that's the only right way to do it...But, if you don't have buddies in a bad, a circle of trucks with their radios cranked on the same station will do...
And you have to have loads of people surrounding the main even, a large pile of fire. Yes, fire can be in a pile, just trust me on this one...
These are just the necessities! You also typically need some fun guys and gals. Some down-to-earth country boys are usually the best fit because they worked hard all day/week and are ready for some fun!
Guns may be brought out before the sun sets all the way and before people are completely plastered just to blow some steam and get some good chemicals (oxytocin, my favorite hormone, among others) pumpin' through everyone's veins...
Most of all, bonfires are just about kickin' back, chillin' and having a good time with your friends after a lot of work and likely a lot of stress. I haven't been to a bonfire, let alone a good bonfire since I was a kid. I couldn't drink at those either, because I was a child (probably 10 and under), but I sure did have a good time anyway! All of us kids, meaning me (the only girl) and all the boys (around 5-10), would run around lighting fire crackers, roasting marshmallows, and doing everything that was frowned upon in "normal" life. Normal life simply means the city life full of suburbs, people everywhere telling me what to do, and nobody having similar views on the way life should be handled. Those weekends were like family reunions and happened nearly every other weekend. Those people are my family especially because we don't talk to my mom's family and we aren't super close with my dad's side either. But we were so close with that huge group of friends that were closer and more connected and committed than our biological family. I miss that.
Another confession is that I have been craving a beer or some type of alcohol all week. I know that it will not necessarily make life more fun. Also, it's not good to "self medicate" with mood altering drugs. Not to mention, I'm only 19 and have never had a drink before, but I'm getting this craving for beer again. The Bible says: "There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God" (Ecclesiastes 2:24). But, I'm also supposed to follow the law because G-d said so. I doubt that I would/will ever get plastered, but I just want some kind of fun in my life! Alcohol never seemed like it would be fun or worth it until this summer at about the same time that boys suddenly became attractive. Dagnabbit! (That is how you spell it. It is a word. Well, where I come from it's a word.) What kind of trauma did I incur that I now want to drink a little bit, go to bonfire parties, have a boyfriend, and actually find boys cute!?!
Haha, I told my friend that I never used to think guys were cute until sometime this summer and she informed me that it happened suddenly to her too... somewhere in middle school... at the beginning of puberty. I'm not convinced that I may be slightly academically developed, thought I'm certainly still working on that, but I am severely developmentally delayed. I'm in college and just now starting to think guys are cute. What is going on?!
Finals Week Is Upon Us
Many of you out there are aware that it is finals week. Whether you are in school currently or not, it's all over my Facebook and I hope I'm not the only one. Due to this dreadful week, I have good news and bad news. Ready?
Bad:
I got a 76% on my pharmacology math final. That is because I did it mostly by hand and I'm sure my math was incorrect. So, I get a B- for that class. Moral of the story: before taking a math exam, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PENCILS AND CALCULATOR IN BACKPACK/BAG!!! They were conveniently situated on my bedside table at home when I arrived at the final. Terrible, terrible day. I hate getting a bad grade when I knew the material but forgot my tools at home. Totally my bad, but it suck all the same.
I was unable to bring my Patho grade up beyond a B-. Again, my bad for slacking the first part of the semester.
Basic assessment class finishes with a B- due to unknown circumstances. Really, I had no idea what was going on in that course and we were not tested on anything that we were taught... I have good news about this class later.
I'm an all around grump for being mere fractions of percentages away from a straight up B but couldn't break through. That's so frustrating!
Good:
While I am disappointed with my Basic Assessment class overall, I did get a 90% on the final and a 99% on my final assessment evaluation! The teacher originally marked me as 100% because I think she likes me for some reason, but I admitted that I forgot one part so she took a point back. Still, I am so very pleased with that grade!!!
I got a B in Pharmacology! A 92% on my final made sure that I not only passed but I got a B instead of a C or that dreaded B-! Praise the L-rd for getting me through that class and giving me a gracious teacher that pretty much gave us a play-by-play study guide so we could rock the final. Plus, she let us use our books on the test before this. G-d certainly had his hand on my in that class because that was my most difficult one.
In my Foundations course, we have a final worth 10% of our overall grade, but even if I don't take it, I can get a solid B. I may not even show up tomorrow. Well, maybe I ought to, just so I know that I worked to try to get at least one A this semester. Sheesh, it's so disappointing to know that I will never be a 4.0 student EVER in my nursing school career, but hey, by the grace of G-d I may just graduate and pass the NCLEX. That, plus a caring heart and maybe a couple other things, will allow me to pursue my dream to become a full-fledged nurse. Mainly, that's what I want. The OCD side of me, though, wanted a 4.0. Unfortunately, that didn't even happen my first semester... Oh well.
Finally, I PASSED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF NURSING SCHOOL!!! Most people say it gets slightly easier after this because we are building on this first semester knowledge. I sure hope so.
Bad:
I got a 76% on my pharmacology math final. That is because I did it mostly by hand and I'm sure my math was incorrect. So, I get a B- for that class. Moral of the story: before taking a math exam, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PENCILS AND CALCULATOR IN BACKPACK/BAG!!! They were conveniently situated on my bedside table at home when I arrived at the final. Terrible, terrible day. I hate getting a bad grade when I knew the material but forgot my tools at home. Totally my bad, but it suck all the same.
I was unable to bring my Patho grade up beyond a B-. Again, my bad for slacking the first part of the semester.
Basic assessment class finishes with a B- due to unknown circumstances. Really, I had no idea what was going on in that course and we were not tested on anything that we were taught... I have good news about this class later.
I'm an all around grump for being mere fractions of percentages away from a straight up B but couldn't break through. That's so frustrating!
Good:
While I am disappointed with my Basic Assessment class overall, I did get a 90% on the final and a 99% on my final assessment evaluation! The teacher originally marked me as 100% because I think she likes me for some reason, but I admitted that I forgot one part so she took a point back. Still, I am so very pleased with that grade!!!
I got a B in Pharmacology! A 92% on my final made sure that I not only passed but I got a B instead of a C or that dreaded B-! Praise the L-rd for getting me through that class and giving me a gracious teacher that pretty much gave us a play-by-play study guide so we could rock the final. Plus, she let us use our books on the test before this. G-d certainly had his hand on my in that class because that was my most difficult one.
In my Foundations course, we have a final worth 10% of our overall grade, but even if I don't take it, I can get a solid B. I may not even show up tomorrow. Well, maybe I ought to, just so I know that I worked to try to get at least one A this semester. Sheesh, it's so disappointing to know that I will never be a 4.0 student EVER in my nursing school career, but hey, by the grace of G-d I may just graduate and pass the NCLEX. That, plus a caring heart and maybe a couple other things, will allow me to pursue my dream to become a full-fledged nurse. Mainly, that's what I want. The OCD side of me, though, wanted a 4.0. Unfortunately, that didn't even happen my first semester... Oh well.
Finally, I PASSED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF NURSING SCHOOL!!! Most people say it gets slightly easier after this because we are building on this first semester knowledge. I sure hope so.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Down in a Valley
Mere hours ago I was encouraged and happy. Right now, I have been slammed down to the bottom of a valley. It was quick and gave me major whiplash but it's nothing I can't recover from.
Here's the problem: Life was fine and dandy and then work called. You know that heart sinking feeling when you see them on the caller i.d.? It's brutal. The thought flashed through my mind, don't answer it. In hindsight, it was probably the L-rd trying to keep me from trouble. Well, not real trouble, just the great regret that comes from signing on for shifts at my current CNA job.
Needless to say, I answered the phone anyhow. My manager asked if I wanted to work tomorrow (Friday) but I told her I had class. Then she asked if I could work Saturday. That's a big fat NO. She remembered right away and took it back but not before asking me to work next Friday. Man alive! This lady does not quit. I'm thinkin' someone quit recently or got fired because there are a whole lot of shifts open that were not there a few days ago.
Would you know that my nursing class decided to plan a party for the same night? I learned about it just after I accepted that stinkin' shift. They are fixin' to go to a nice dinner and then go ice skating. I've wanted to go ice skating for years!
So, instead of having fun with my class to celebrate passing our first semester of nursing school, I will be covering someone else's shift at a job that makes my stomach hurt and gives me a headache just thinking about it. My body is filled with dread. I think I may be developing ulcers.
Question is: Should I go ahead and call back saying that I already had plans that I did not realize when she called me the first time? Truly, I did have plans, they just changed from Thursday night to Friday night unexpectedly. However, do I really want to go out spendin' a bunch of my money, spending time with people that I only barely like? It'll be better than working until 11 p.m. with resident's who are sun-downing and a partner who will bestow a great deal of stress upon me for either not hardly working or for working too fast and not giving me a chance to put my residents to bed.
What do I do?
Here's the problem: Life was fine and dandy and then work called. You know that heart sinking feeling when you see them on the caller i.d.? It's brutal. The thought flashed through my mind, don't answer it. In hindsight, it was probably the L-rd trying to keep me from trouble. Well, not real trouble, just the great regret that comes from signing on for shifts at my current CNA job.
Needless to say, I answered the phone anyhow. My manager asked if I wanted to work tomorrow (Friday) but I told her I had class. Then she asked if I could work Saturday. That's a big fat NO. She remembered right away and took it back but not before asking me to work next Friday. Man alive! This lady does not quit. I'm thinkin' someone quit recently or got fired because there are a whole lot of shifts open that were not there a few days ago.
Would you know that my nursing class decided to plan a party for the same night? I learned about it just after I accepted that stinkin' shift. They are fixin' to go to a nice dinner and then go ice skating. I've wanted to go ice skating for years!
So, instead of having fun with my class to celebrate passing our first semester of nursing school, I will be covering someone else's shift at a job that makes my stomach hurt and gives me a headache just thinking about it. My body is filled with dread. I think I may be developing ulcers.
Question is: Should I go ahead and call back saying that I already had plans that I did not realize when she called me the first time? Truly, I did have plans, they just changed from Thursday night to Friday night unexpectedly. However, do I really want to go out spendin' a bunch of my money, spending time with people that I only barely like? It'll be better than working until 11 p.m. with resident's who are sun-downing and a partner who will bestow a great deal of stress upon me for either not hardly working or for working too fast and not giving me a chance to put my residents to bed.
What do I do?
Bible Study Realization
Folks, I had a major realization today. It happened while sitting in a Panera studying and minding my own business. All of a sudden, a guy's college Bible study group came and sat next to me. They started a typical, simple study. Reading out of the Bible, straight up, and discussing it in their own simple words. At that, it dawned on me, I'm not alone. I'm not the only person striving for purity in my college atmosphere. There are other people. We are hidden in the background until given a chance to share the hope that we have in the L-rd. Rarely does it come up in everyday conversation, but it is comforting knowing that there are more people out there like me!
My brother's friend, who looks like he should be in a death metal band (because he is), goes to church every Sunday. When you talk to him, he is so incredibly innocent and kind. Guys, this is how G-d reaches out to all types of people. He employs us, with all of our vastly unique, to reach every nook and cranny of the human population. How encouraging is that?
Of course, I knew/know that I am not alone, but it gets lonely you know? For so long, I haven't met many people who share faith with me. Then, after I had been yearning for others that are working to talk out their faith, G-d reveals them to me when I least expect it. I did not talk to them, nor do I know who they are. I know that they are working on their relationship with G-d, as I am, and they go to my university. There is a community out there of people my age with similar faith as me, I just have to find it.
Today, I am very thankful that G-d brought me to Panera to be witness to their Bible study and discussion. Stay strong in your faith everyone. Grow in your relationship with The Almighty and ask for His guidance in life. Ask forgiveness from G-d and those you have affected. Finally, love everyone, regardless of what has happened or what they have done.
My brother's friend, who looks like he should be in a death metal band (because he is), goes to church every Sunday. When you talk to him, he is so incredibly innocent and kind. Guys, this is how G-d reaches out to all types of people. He employs us, with all of our vastly unique, to reach every nook and cranny of the human population. How encouraging is that?
Of course, I knew/know that I am not alone, but it gets lonely you know? For so long, I haven't met many people who share faith with me. Then, after I had been yearning for others that are working to talk out their faith, G-d reveals them to me when I least expect it. I did not talk to them, nor do I know who they are. I know that they are working on their relationship with G-d, as I am, and they go to my university. There is a community out there of people my age with similar faith as me, I just have to find it.
Today, I am very thankful that G-d brought me to Panera to be witness to their Bible study and discussion. Stay strong in your faith everyone. Grow in your relationship with The Almighty and ask for His guidance in life. Ask forgiveness from G-d and those you have affected. Finally, love everyone, regardless of what has happened or what they have done.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
"Good Work!"...?
The other day I was scrolling through Facebook, just procrastinating. I happened upon a picture of a guy I used to go to church with (and had a minor 4 year crush on) who had pictures of himself and his new girlfriend. There are so many problems with this, it's just not even funny.
First of all, he was dating a girl who also goes to the church he belongs to. They dated for a few months and were seriously considering marriage. Why? I don't know. A massive reason probably has to do with the fact that they both go to Christian colleges and they have known each other since they were like 3 and now they are approaching 20. All of a sudden, they break up. The church they attend consists of 150 people, on a good day and they push maybe 100 on normal Sundays. Good news is that they are both living at college right now. He is at a seminary college in Florida and she is attending some Christian college in another state so they are apart and their relationship was basically over Facebook, Skype, and the occasional school break when they would come home. Anyway, they broke up.
Remember how I said I had a 4 year crush on the kid until about 4 years ago? It turns out that he had had a crush on me too! Little bugger never hinted at it or made a move, but he told my brother... HE TOLD MY BROTHER!!! and every other person in the whole church! Why on earth would anyone ever do something like that? Everyone knows that rumors spread faster'n wild fire in a church. Also, his dad was the children's pastor. Guess what I got to be for our Christmas play when I was about 10. I was Mary while this guy was Joseph. I should have seen it. How embarrassing! The whole church knew that he liked me and he used his dad to get us married for our big production. Please forgive me, I just realized this whole scheme as I was typing. It never occurred to me in the last 8 years and just hit me like a ton of bricks. So, that happened.
The real reason for this whole spiel? One of the comments on his picture of his new girlfriend was, "Wow dude, good work! She is gorgeous!"
Do I really need to explain? We are not trophies!!! Guys work to see our hearts, but we are not some object to be congratulated over just because we are pretty. That kid that commented does not know if she is smart, kind, gracious, prayerful, generous, funny, or anything besides the fact that she is good looking. When did we, as girls, become just arm candy instead of a valued partner in the journey of life? When did we stop being equal and helpful to guys and turned into an award or something that causes the guy's friends to be jealous?
I need to go, I can feel my blood pressure rising. But girls, have pride in the wonderful heart G-d has put inside you. Develop your relationship with G-d first. Then, find a boy who appreciates that aspect of you and then comes to appreciate your physical beauty, all in due time. Also, make sure you stand up for yourself. If he, or his friends, start to see you as an object as opposed to an equal human being, stand up for yourself!
Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion and I'm getting caught up in my feminist ways.
Ladies, I know you can make your own decisions so take my opinions with a grain of salt. Just make sure you're decisions line up with what the Good Book says and life won't be easy, but it'll be significantly easier than it could be.
Also, Victoria's Secret Fashion Show takes place tonight. That's another novel in itself and I don't have time for that.
Good night y'all.
First of all, he was dating a girl who also goes to the church he belongs to. They dated for a few months and were seriously considering marriage. Why? I don't know. A massive reason probably has to do with the fact that they both go to Christian colleges and they have known each other since they were like 3 and now they are approaching 20. All of a sudden, they break up. The church they attend consists of 150 people, on a good day and they push maybe 100 on normal Sundays. Good news is that they are both living at college right now. He is at a seminary college in Florida and she is attending some Christian college in another state so they are apart and their relationship was basically over Facebook, Skype, and the occasional school break when they would come home. Anyway, they broke up.
Remember how I said I had a 4 year crush on the kid until about 4 years ago? It turns out that he had had a crush on me too! Little bugger never hinted at it or made a move, but he told my brother... HE TOLD MY BROTHER!!! and every other person in the whole church! Why on earth would anyone ever do something like that? Everyone knows that rumors spread faster'n wild fire in a church. Also, his dad was the children's pastor. Guess what I got to be for our Christmas play when I was about 10. I was Mary while this guy was Joseph. I should have seen it. How embarrassing! The whole church knew that he liked me and he used his dad to get us married for our big production. Please forgive me, I just realized this whole scheme as I was typing. It never occurred to me in the last 8 years and just hit me like a ton of bricks. So, that happened.
The real reason for this whole spiel? One of the comments on his picture of his new girlfriend was, "Wow dude, good work! She is gorgeous!"
Do I really need to explain? We are not trophies!!! Guys work to see our hearts, but we are not some object to be congratulated over just because we are pretty. That kid that commented does not know if she is smart, kind, gracious, prayerful, generous, funny, or anything besides the fact that she is good looking. When did we, as girls, become just arm candy instead of a valued partner in the journey of life? When did we stop being equal and helpful to guys and turned into an award or something that causes the guy's friends to be jealous?
I need to go, I can feel my blood pressure rising. But girls, have pride in the wonderful heart G-d has put inside you. Develop your relationship with G-d first. Then, find a boy who appreciates that aspect of you and then comes to appreciate your physical beauty, all in due time. Also, make sure you stand up for yourself. If he, or his friends, start to see you as an object as opposed to an equal human being, stand up for yourself!
Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion and I'm getting caught up in my feminist ways.
Ladies, I know you can make your own decisions so take my opinions with a grain of salt. Just make sure you're decisions line up with what the Good Book says and life won't be easy, but it'll be significantly easier than it could be.
Also, Victoria's Secret Fashion Show takes place tonight. That's another novel in itself and I don't have time for that.
Good night y'all.
Monday, December 9, 2013
IT Job Has Never Been Better
So, are y'all familiar with my sudden realization of guys that happened this summer? Well, if not, I have been living life so simply, not understanding what my girl friends meant when they thoughts guys were cute. For the first 19 years of my life, I was gloriously ignorant of male beauty. *Note, I do not objectify them, I just appreciate their dark eyes and the fact that they seem to be down to earth.* Anyway, I must have hit my head or something this summer because now I'm seeing guys I think are cute EVERYWHERE!
*I just thought this picture was funny. It has hardly anything to do with the following post besides mentioning country boys...*
Folks, this is a huge inconvenience. It gets really bad when I'm at my IT job (which is sitting in the library until a student has a question) when I should be studying, but I start watching these handsome guys walking by and I get absolutely nothing done all day.
So, today at work I must have had 3-5 guys come and ask for my help. Well, they had minor problems and I didn't even have to leave my desk to help them. Regardless, they were stinkin' cute and they were wearing Carhartt, Wranglers, and camo to boot! They were also wearing boots but I figured that went without saying. They smiled at me and talked to me like I knew what I was doing and they said please and thank you. I know these are simple things, but this is getting bad. For some reason, I find myself really attracted to country boys. I'm fairly country myself, but there are more to boys than their dress. However, most guys don't dare roll with the country fashion if they aren't actually country boys. Now, this is becoming a more popular "style" but us girls can see straight through them silly city boys.
I'm kinda stereotyping here, but all the boys I've met from the country tend to be well-mannered, polite, kind, and most are not players (minus Country Boy). I'm sure I'm wrong on some of these accounts, but they are my kind of people. I need some mud on my shoes, red dirt decorating my car, and people who know how to hunt/fish/have a proper bonfire! One last thing: SWEET TEA! I need others who can make it right and who like it. I've found so many people who don't like it and I die a little inside each time they say that.
This is just because I found it cute and wanted pictures in this post:
Moral of story: I think my hormones have finally reached my brain, and I mean that in the least technical sense possible because I know that's not how hormones work. Also, being a girl has become hugely inconvenient because I can no longer just be this independent, single person who just so happens to be a girl, I am now learning about attraction. Ugh, somebody pray for me!
Folks, this is a huge inconvenience. It gets really bad when I'm at my IT job (which is sitting in the library until a student has a question) when I should be studying, but I start watching these handsome guys walking by and I get absolutely nothing done all day.
So, today at work I must have had 3-5 guys come and ask for my help. Well, they had minor problems and I didn't even have to leave my desk to help them. Regardless, they were stinkin' cute and they were wearing Carhartt, Wranglers, and camo to boot! They were also wearing boots but I figured that went without saying. They smiled at me and talked to me like I knew what I was doing and they said please and thank you. I know these are simple things, but this is getting bad. For some reason, I find myself really attracted to country boys. I'm fairly country myself, but there are more to boys than their dress. However, most guys don't dare roll with the country fashion if they aren't actually country boys. Now, this is becoming a more popular "style" but us girls can see straight through them silly city boys.
I'm kinda stereotyping here, but all the boys I've met from the country tend to be well-mannered, polite, kind, and most are not players (minus Country Boy). I'm sure I'm wrong on some of these accounts, but they are my kind of people. I need some mud on my shoes, red dirt decorating my car, and people who know how to hunt/fish/have a proper bonfire! One last thing: SWEET TEA! I need others who can make it right and who like it. I've found so many people who don't like it and I die a little inside each time they say that.
This is just because I found it cute and wanted pictures in this post:
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Friday Night Adventure
I'm the kind of girl who does hardly anything besides work and school. Part of this is due to the fact that I procrastinate throughout the week so I must get caught up on Friday and Sunday, leaving Saturday for Sabbath rest, of course.
Anyway, today (well, yesterday by now) I had quite the adventure.
1) My washing machine broke a few days ago so I put in a work order a while ago. After about a week of having my washing machine out of commission, we were brought a brand new one today from the apartment complex. The maintenance guys brought it up a whole flight of narrow stairs and hooked it right up. Beautiful!
2) About an hour after the maintenance guys left, I called them because my pipes froze. Folks, it's so cold here right now and we are getting so much snow that class was cancelled for me today and some kids have gotten at least 2 snow days this week! Anyway, the poor guys came back to my apartment and cut holes in the drywall that cover the pipes so they could get heat to the pipes. They finally thawed and that little fact made me so happy. No burst pipes and now my water is running properly again!
3) Went out to dinner and we talked for 4 hours. That's a long time for us, but it was therapeutic. We were able to talk about things that w experienced together last year but never really discussed and I think we made some headway in our current problems. During the dinner I missed two calls, one from my mom and another from my brother. My mom simply called to talk to me about my Facebook post about #1 and 2. Why? I don't know but I love that she's concerned about us. My brother called and texted me to say that he could not start his car so he got a ride home.
4) Went home to take an online quiz. Studied for about 3 hours and got a 76.67%. Surprisingly, I was pleased with this because it is passing. Then, off to get my brother's car working.
5) Folks, it was so cold that night (in the double digit negatives), I had to use the ice scraper on the INSIDE of my car! NOT COOL!!! Anyway, I drove my brother to the university campus where his car was parked and we fiddled with it for about 20 minutes before he decided we needed jumper cables. Neither of us had them so we drove to the closest gas station which was about 15 minutes away. They didn't sell any so the attendant let us borrow his! How generous, he lent his jumper cables to a teen boy about a half hour past midnight. Then we drove back to campus, messed with it again for about 45 minutes with no success and decided to try a different tactic. One last trip to the gas station to return the cables and we drove back again to campus.
Conversation on the way back to campus:
Him: So, you have a choice as to how we do this thing. I can make the tow strap short or long. It's up to you.
Me: What does it matter?
Him: If it's short, then I won't hit you so hard when you brake and my brakes don't work. If it's longer, then there is less of a chance that I will hit you because I will have more time to brake but when I do hit you, it'll be significantly harder...
Me:... DON'T YOU BREAK MY CAR!
Him: Don't worry, that's why you have a spare tire on the back of your car.
6) Tow strap in place, flashers on, and my brother steering his car and me driving mine, we head back to our apartment. The beauty of speaker phone on our cell phones amazes me. With several inches of snow on all the roads, snow still falling, my brother's car's power steering not working and minimal breaks (plus no working e-brake) we made our way home. The drive began at 1:10 a.m. and we went a whopping 5 miles an hour nearly all the way home because we took the back-roads. On the final leg of the journey, however, we were cruising at 15 mph on the main road! Home at 1:45 or so, we pushed his car into a parking spot and headed upstairs.
Off to bed. This post has not done my day justice but I'm exhausted and it's nearly 4 a.m. Praise the L-rd, He kept us safe on our towing adventure!
Anyway, today (well, yesterday by now) I had quite the adventure.
1) My washing machine broke a few days ago so I put in a work order a while ago. After about a week of having my washing machine out of commission, we were brought a brand new one today from the apartment complex. The maintenance guys brought it up a whole flight of narrow stairs and hooked it right up. Beautiful!
2) About an hour after the maintenance guys left, I called them because my pipes froze. Folks, it's so cold here right now and we are getting so much snow that class was cancelled for me today and some kids have gotten at least 2 snow days this week! Anyway, the poor guys came back to my apartment and cut holes in the drywall that cover the pipes so they could get heat to the pipes. They finally thawed and that little fact made me so happy. No burst pipes and now my water is running properly again!
3) Went out to dinner and we talked for 4 hours. That's a long time for us, but it was therapeutic. We were able to talk about things that w experienced together last year but never really discussed and I think we made some headway in our current problems. During the dinner I missed two calls, one from my mom and another from my brother. My mom simply called to talk to me about my Facebook post about #1 and 2. Why? I don't know but I love that she's concerned about us. My brother called and texted me to say that he could not start his car so he got a ride home.
4) Went home to take an online quiz. Studied for about 3 hours and got a 76.67%. Surprisingly, I was pleased with this because it is passing. Then, off to get my brother's car working.
5) Folks, it was so cold that night (in the double digit negatives), I had to use the ice scraper on the INSIDE of my car! NOT COOL!!! Anyway, I drove my brother to the university campus where his car was parked and we fiddled with it for about 20 minutes before he decided we needed jumper cables. Neither of us had them so we drove to the closest gas station which was about 15 minutes away. They didn't sell any so the attendant let us borrow his! How generous, he lent his jumper cables to a teen boy about a half hour past midnight. Then we drove back to campus, messed with it again for about 45 minutes with no success and decided to try a different tactic. One last trip to the gas station to return the cables and we drove back again to campus.
Conversation on the way back to campus:
Him: So, you have a choice as to how we do this thing. I can make the tow strap short or long. It's up to you.
Me: What does it matter?
Him: If it's short, then I won't hit you so hard when you brake and my brakes don't work. If it's longer, then there is less of a chance that I will hit you because I will have more time to brake but when I do hit you, it'll be significantly harder...
Me:... DON'T YOU BREAK MY CAR!
Him: Don't worry, that's why you have a spare tire on the back of your car.
6) Tow strap in place, flashers on, and my brother steering his car and me driving mine, we head back to our apartment. The beauty of speaker phone on our cell phones amazes me. With several inches of snow on all the roads, snow still falling, my brother's car's power steering not working and minimal breaks (plus no working e-brake) we made our way home. The drive began at 1:10 a.m. and we went a whopping 5 miles an hour nearly all the way home because we took the back-roads. On the final leg of the journey, however, we were cruising at 15 mph on the main road! Home at 1:45 or so, we pushed his car into a parking spot and headed upstairs.
Off to bed. This post has not done my day justice but I'm exhausted and it's nearly 4 a.m. Praise the L-rd, He kept us safe on our towing adventure!
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
In such a short time
In the short amount of time that I was "home" for Thanksgiving, re-experienced many things I vowed to not revisit anymore. They aren't big things, but still not pleasant.
The first was visiting my church of 10 years, the one I grew up in. It is also the one that "kicked" our family out because we had differing opinions. They actually didn't kick us out, they just put us down and refused to cease making fun of our ideas and findings while they took a man's word on what G-d means instead of talking to Him about it. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I don't take too kindly to people raggin' on me when I can't fight back because I was 10 and all the old ladies were underestimating my ability to make my own decisions. Anyway, my brother was driving us and he decided to stop by the church. It was awkward. Only out old youth pastor was there, at first. For the initial 45 minutes that my brother and I were there, the youth pastor talked only to my brother (unless I interjected). It hurt, however, I did not cry or feel like crying after the visit. Normally I do because I suspected that he and his wife never cared for me and all of my past visits have confirmed this suspicion. I finally feel like I don't have to go back, nor do I want to go back ever again. This is healing and this is moving on with my life. No more focusing on the past and my hurt. I will learn from what has happened, but the bitterness is nearly gone and my experiences are allowing me to branch out to the outsiders that I encounter in my everyday life.
Also, I started reading for fun again! I love books. I read a whole book in a day. I also figured out how to get library books onto my iPad without ever leaving my house. What a beautiful invention! Someday, I hope that they increase the amount of ebooks online to be checked out from my local libraries because when I graduate and have some free time, I will likely go through all of them in a matter of months. Unfortunately, no books looked interesting except for romance novels. I have learned in the past that these make me quite bitter and angry for several months. Now, I should not be upset because G-d has protected my heart on so many occasions from being broken in frivolous relationships that would have clearly been dangerous. On the other hand, I tend to throw myself pity parties during/after reading these types of books because I find myself wanting that sort of attention. I want love and a guy to look at me and think: hey, I love this girl so much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. In reality, I think I want the assurance that there is someone committed to me and we pledge and make a binding contract to stay together. Does this really mean that we will live a long happy life married to only each other and be madly in love until we die in each others arms while sleeping one night because we are extremely old and G-d decides to take us home? (run-on, I know. They get worse as my thoughts begin to spill uninterrupted) Absolutely not. I have seen marriages with a firm foundation based on G-d be broken because of unexpected death or a poor decision to sleep with another person in a moment of inappropriate passion and bad judgement. I have witnessed the pain and total brokenness of families and the faces of distraught children over these matters. Marriages that were seen as the model for the church and were expected to go the distance have crumbled. Lives were shattered and pain is left with the rubble.
Having said all that, is it worth it to even desire marriage? I am a pessimist and an analyst. One of my many motto's is: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. In order to prepare for the worst, I imagine and observe as many bad scenarios as possible so that I can formulate plans of action to avoid or weather the storms that will occur. So, I see the bad that can come from a situation and expect it. I plan for people taking advantage of me (in marriage, friendships, and everywhere). I assume that people get enough of me so that I don't push myself onto people to avoid them becoming burnt out with me. I try to avoid situations that can lead to pain and therefore often just stay at home and refuse human contact. Even still, I have this desire to have a boyfriend. Folks, if you are confused then I apologize, but this even has me at a loss for words. I want something but I don't want it all at the same time. It's like my "heart" and my head are having a war because I know dating is dangerous (logical reasoning from my head) but my heart is wanting to be loved and to feel butterflies and I want to see someone get tongue tied because they find me beautiful and worthy of their love and affection. I want a beau and a husband and children and a family of my own. Yet, the thought of this is terrifying because so much can go wrong.
I started journaling questions that I ask G-d. Recently it's regarding the purpose of marriage, the reason of life, what I am supposed to be doing, and my purpose. Also, why does the Bible mention things like David was handsome and Esther was the most beautiful woman in the land if it also tells us to not see a person's exterior as much as we focus on their actions and what those tell us about their heart? This started because I still have no idea of the purpose of marriage. I asked my friend, who is Catholic, what marriage means to her. She went on and on about how she wants the Cinderella charmed life. I told her that I felt G-d was telling me that there is more and that there is a deeper purpose. She refuted the idea and told me that I over-think everything. While this is true, I don't think I would have this nagging thought that there is something more if there is not something the Ruach Hakodesh (Holy Spirit) is trying to get me to understand. It's such a frustrating feeling but it's also good because I know that He is trying to talk to me and reveal something monumental to me. I'll keep you updated on what He shows me.
Well, enough procrastinating. I have to go start and finish my paper. Major writer's block for academic writings today.
I had a group presentation and it went really well today. We talked about euthanasia... Not a fun subject. My campus also closed down due to weather issues. We were hoping for a snow day all day because the roads were awful. All of a sudden, during other group presentations, someone announces randomly that school was cancelled! (We have a text message system through the school that alerts us of campus closings and everything.) Then they said that the snow day did not start until after our class finished about an hour later. Such disappointment!!! Anyway, I almost had a snow day and nearly got out of my group presentation. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. C'est la vie.
The first was visiting my church of 10 years, the one I grew up in. It is also the one that "kicked" our family out because we had differing opinions. They actually didn't kick us out, they just put us down and refused to cease making fun of our ideas and findings while they took a man's word on what G-d means instead of talking to Him about it. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I don't take too kindly to people raggin' on me when I can't fight back because I was 10 and all the old ladies were underestimating my ability to make my own decisions. Anyway, my brother was driving us and he decided to stop by the church. It was awkward. Only out old youth pastor was there, at first. For the initial 45 minutes that my brother and I were there, the youth pastor talked only to my brother (unless I interjected). It hurt, however, I did not cry or feel like crying after the visit. Normally I do because I suspected that he and his wife never cared for me and all of my past visits have confirmed this suspicion. I finally feel like I don't have to go back, nor do I want to go back ever again. This is healing and this is moving on with my life. No more focusing on the past and my hurt. I will learn from what has happened, but the bitterness is nearly gone and my experiences are allowing me to branch out to the outsiders that I encounter in my everyday life.
Also, I started reading for fun again! I love books. I read a whole book in a day. I also figured out how to get library books onto my iPad without ever leaving my house. What a beautiful invention! Someday, I hope that they increase the amount of ebooks online to be checked out from my local libraries because when I graduate and have some free time, I will likely go through all of them in a matter of months. Unfortunately, no books looked interesting except for romance novels. I have learned in the past that these make me quite bitter and angry for several months. Now, I should not be upset because G-d has protected my heart on so many occasions from being broken in frivolous relationships that would have clearly been dangerous. On the other hand, I tend to throw myself pity parties during/after reading these types of books because I find myself wanting that sort of attention. I want love and a guy to look at me and think: hey, I love this girl so much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. In reality, I think I want the assurance that there is someone committed to me and we pledge and make a binding contract to stay together. Does this really mean that we will live a long happy life married to only each other and be madly in love until we die in each others arms while sleeping one night because we are extremely old and G-d decides to take us home? (run-on, I know. They get worse as my thoughts begin to spill uninterrupted) Absolutely not. I have seen marriages with a firm foundation based on G-d be broken because of unexpected death or a poor decision to sleep with another person in a moment of inappropriate passion and bad judgement. I have witnessed the pain and total brokenness of families and the faces of distraught children over these matters. Marriages that were seen as the model for the church and were expected to go the distance have crumbled. Lives were shattered and pain is left with the rubble.
Having said all that, is it worth it to even desire marriage? I am a pessimist and an analyst. One of my many motto's is: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. In order to prepare for the worst, I imagine and observe as many bad scenarios as possible so that I can formulate plans of action to avoid or weather the storms that will occur. So, I see the bad that can come from a situation and expect it. I plan for people taking advantage of me (in marriage, friendships, and everywhere). I assume that people get enough of me so that I don't push myself onto people to avoid them becoming burnt out with me. I try to avoid situations that can lead to pain and therefore often just stay at home and refuse human contact. Even still, I have this desire to have a boyfriend. Folks, if you are confused then I apologize, but this even has me at a loss for words. I want something but I don't want it all at the same time. It's like my "heart" and my head are having a war because I know dating is dangerous (logical reasoning from my head) but my heart is wanting to be loved and to feel butterflies and I want to see someone get tongue tied because they find me beautiful and worthy of their love and affection. I want a beau and a husband and children and a family of my own. Yet, the thought of this is terrifying because so much can go wrong.
I started journaling questions that I ask G-d. Recently it's regarding the purpose of marriage, the reason of life, what I am supposed to be doing, and my purpose. Also, why does the Bible mention things like David was handsome and Esther was the most beautiful woman in the land if it also tells us to not see a person's exterior as much as we focus on their actions and what those tell us about their heart? This started because I still have no idea of the purpose of marriage. I asked my friend, who is Catholic, what marriage means to her. She went on and on about how she wants the Cinderella charmed life. I told her that I felt G-d was telling me that there is more and that there is a deeper purpose. She refuted the idea and told me that I over-think everything. While this is true, I don't think I would have this nagging thought that there is something more if there is not something the Ruach Hakodesh (Holy Spirit) is trying to get me to understand. It's such a frustrating feeling but it's also good because I know that He is trying to talk to me and reveal something monumental to me. I'll keep you updated on what He shows me.
Well, enough procrastinating. I have to go start and finish my paper. Major writer's block for academic writings today.
I had a group presentation and it went really well today. We talked about euthanasia... Not a fun subject. My campus also closed down due to weather issues. We were hoping for a snow day all day because the roads were awful. All of a sudden, during other group presentations, someone announces randomly that school was cancelled! (We have a text message system through the school that alerts us of campus closings and everything.) Then they said that the snow day did not start until after our class finished about an hour later. Such disappointment!!! Anyway, I almost had a snow day and nearly got out of my group presentation. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. C'est la vie.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Thanksgiving is Coming! And so is Channukah!!!
First of all, I have heard that there is no official spelling of Hanukkah so people go nuts with it. Therefore, I thought this was appropriate. It also made me have a laughing spell on one of my bad days.
Along that line, I found this list
I got off subject there but Hanuka/Chanuka/Hanicka/etc. begins Wednesday night and the first full day is on Thanksgiving! That makes me happy because last year is started during finals week and I didn't get to be with my family, I could not have fire/candles in the dorms, and I was stressed with a bunch of tests.
Also, on Friday, I took my open book Pharm test after being thoroughly frightened about my well-being in that class. Praise the L-rd, I estimate about an 88% plus/minus a few points because there are some questions that my professor still has to grade and there are some she was saying she was going to throw out. L-rd willing, he will give me a high enough grade on our last test so that I can pass the class and get on with my life!
On Friday, I went out with one of my gal friends to a new hunting store in our area. It was fun and I ran into my friend that I stayed with over the summer. Country boy grew up with her and that is why we stayed at his house during the fire. I confessed that he had been texting me and I gave her the background of how I thought he was playing me and another girl. She informed me that he was doing some unsavory things with girls lately. Since she has told me that, I have been racking my brain with various scenarios where I "go off" on him, but I have decided that 1) I'm not strong/brave enough to do that, 2) it would not be respectful, and 3) he would likely yell back at me (over text) while not learning anything or changing anything for the next girl(s). I have, however, decided to trust the Holy Spirit in His warnings to me to not go out with him, not even as friends. I will break this off and find some what to tell him no gently but while still letting him know why. This will be tough.
I'm not really going to shoot him or hurt him in anyway, these just seemed fitting and they give me encouragement.
Well, I better go listen to my patho lecture. Right now I'm slacking and totally zoning out during patho. C'mon folks! (Not you, the college schedule deciders.) It's two days before Thanksgiving break, why do we even have class?!
- Chanuka
- Chanukah
- Chanukkah
- Channukah
- Hanukah
- Hannukah
- Hanukkah
- Hanuka
- Hanukka
- Hanaka
- Haneka
- Hanika
- Khanukkah
I got off subject there but Hanuka/Chanuka/Hanicka/etc. begins Wednesday night and the first full day is on Thanksgiving! That makes me happy because last year is started during finals week and I didn't get to be with my family, I could not have fire/candles in the dorms, and I was stressed with a bunch of tests.
Also, on Friday, I took my open book Pharm test after being thoroughly frightened about my well-being in that class. Praise the L-rd, I estimate about an 88% plus/minus a few points because there are some questions that my professor still has to grade and there are some she was saying she was going to throw out. L-rd willing, he will give me a high enough grade on our last test so that I can pass the class and get on with my life!
On Friday, I went out with one of my gal friends to a new hunting store in our area. It was fun and I ran into my friend that I stayed with over the summer. Country boy grew up with her and that is why we stayed at his house during the fire. I confessed that he had been texting me and I gave her the background of how I thought he was playing me and another girl. She informed me that he was doing some unsavory things with girls lately. Since she has told me that, I have been racking my brain with various scenarios where I "go off" on him, but I have decided that 1) I'm not strong/brave enough to do that, 2) it would not be respectful, and 3) he would likely yell back at me (over text) while not learning anything or changing anything for the next girl(s). I have, however, decided to trust the Holy Spirit in His warnings to me to not go out with him, not even as friends. I will break this off and find some what to tell him no gently but while still letting him know why. This will be tough.I'm not really going to shoot him or hurt him in anyway, these just seemed fitting and they give me encouragement.
Well, I better go listen to my patho lecture. Right now I'm slacking and totally zoning out during patho. C'mon folks! (Not you, the college schedule deciders.) It's two days before Thanksgiving break, why do we even have class?!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
There's No Winning In Nursing School
Between stress, lack of time, constant studying, and teachers who are fresh out of school themselves, there is essentially no winning in nursing school.
I've heard that the first semester is the hardest and I pray that this is true! I studied for a long time for patho and G-d blessed me with an 86%. That's pretty good, but it used to be enough studying to get an A. I studied for about 8 hours for my basic health exam, which our professor did not prepare us for at all because she is still a really new teacher and makes her tests right before we take them (so she has no way of knowing what to teach us), and I got a 73%.
Now, I'll admit, I did not study as hard as I needed to. That's on me. However, I am so tired from all of these teachers experimenting on us and not teaching anything that they test on. Seriously! This particular teacher does not like lectures so she keeps them under 20 minutes (well, she tries). The rest of class is spent doing group projects and having us "teach" our fellow classmates what is in the book. It is NOT working, at all!!! She doesn't put any of the useful information in the power points and she doesn't write the test until a few days before we have to take it. I'm trying to have grace and stick up for her with my fellow frustrated classmates, but I'm getting so overwhelmed and frustrated. Plus, she teaches two classes that I'm taking and we have a comprehensive exam in both. Her exams are notoriously known for taking the most abstract, random information from the books that no one knows because it's based on a total of 3 words, and she tests on that tiny little blurb. It's not even a blurb! It's 3 tiny words that barely make a phrase and that's what she tests on. Even with an open book test, there would be no way to pass these exams.
My friends warned me about this test, they said it was rough. They were right. They also said that, even with the book and notes, the pharm test is ridiculous. I'm so overwhelmed and nervous I can't even function properly. I don't know how I'm going to get through this nonsense just to make it to clinicals. Right now, I am very worried that I will not pass pharm or basic health. These are not supposed to be easy classes, but so many R.N.'s have laughed in my face and told me that these are some of the easiest classes because it's just wrote (is this the correct word?) memorization. Well, both of these classes have brand new teachers who haven't fully gotten their teaching legs yet and I'm not super great at memorization. Guys, what if I get a terrible grade, like anything below an 86%, and I don't get enough on the final so then I don't pass the course? Then what?
"Cast your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
This is my motto...
"Don't fear, because I am with you; don't be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will surely help you; I will hold you with my righteous strong hand." Isaiah 41:10
I know I've heard this one a lot...
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
This is probably one of the most commonly used verses. I get it, don't worry...
Still, even with these verses, I have such a hard time living by them and giving my worry to G-d. How to I just give it up and not worry about stuff? How do you hand it over and let "tomorrow worry about tomorrow?"
Guys, I think I'm having a panic attack.
Can someone explain this to me? Will G-d get me into clinicals with my cohort or will I be held back a semester?
I'm not doing well today. It started off okay but quickly took a turn for the worse. I think I'm going to set up an appointment with the school counseling center tomorrow because this is getting to where I can't control it again.
That brings up a whole new issue. Does going to a psychiatrist/counselor mean that I'm taking my depression/anxiety into my own hands instead of releasing it fully to G-d? Or, is this preparing me and using the resources He has supplied me with? Ahhhh! my attack is getting worse just because now I'm confused. I think I better go try to sleep it off and face tomorrow when I get to tomorrow.
I've heard that the first semester is the hardest and I pray that this is true! I studied for a long time for patho and G-d blessed me with an 86%. That's pretty good, but it used to be enough studying to get an A. I studied for about 8 hours for my basic health exam, which our professor did not prepare us for at all because she is still a really new teacher and makes her tests right before we take them (so she has no way of knowing what to teach us), and I got a 73%.
Now, I'll admit, I did not study as hard as I needed to. That's on me. However, I am so tired from all of these teachers experimenting on us and not teaching anything that they test on. Seriously! This particular teacher does not like lectures so she keeps them under 20 minutes (well, she tries). The rest of class is spent doing group projects and having us "teach" our fellow classmates what is in the book. It is NOT working, at all!!! She doesn't put any of the useful information in the power points and she doesn't write the test until a few days before we have to take it. I'm trying to have grace and stick up for her with my fellow frustrated classmates, but I'm getting so overwhelmed and frustrated. Plus, she teaches two classes that I'm taking and we have a comprehensive exam in both. Her exams are notoriously known for taking the most abstract, random information from the books that no one knows because it's based on a total of 3 words, and she tests on that tiny little blurb. It's not even a blurb! It's 3 tiny words that barely make a phrase and that's what she tests on. Even with an open book test, there would be no way to pass these exams.
My friends warned me about this test, they said it was rough. They were right. They also said that, even with the book and notes, the pharm test is ridiculous. I'm so overwhelmed and nervous I can't even function properly. I don't know how I'm going to get through this nonsense just to make it to clinicals. Right now, I am very worried that I will not pass pharm or basic health. These are not supposed to be easy classes, but so many R.N.'s have laughed in my face and told me that these are some of the easiest classes because it's just wrote (is this the correct word?) memorization. Well, both of these classes have brand new teachers who haven't fully gotten their teaching legs yet and I'm not super great at memorization. Guys, what if I get a terrible grade, like anything below an 86%, and I don't get enough on the final so then I don't pass the course? Then what?
"Cast your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
This is my motto...
"Don't fear, because I am with you; don't be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will surely help you; I will hold you with my righteous strong hand." Isaiah 41:10
I know I've heard this one a lot...
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
This is probably one of the most commonly used verses. I get it, don't worry...
Still, even with these verses, I have such a hard time living by them and giving my worry to G-d. How to I just give it up and not worry about stuff? How do you hand it over and let "tomorrow worry about tomorrow?"
Guys, I think I'm having a panic attack.
Can someone explain this to me? Will G-d get me into clinicals with my cohort or will I be held back a semester?
I'm not doing well today. It started off okay but quickly took a turn for the worse. I think I'm going to set up an appointment with the school counseling center tomorrow because this is getting to where I can't control it again.
That brings up a whole new issue. Does going to a psychiatrist/counselor mean that I'm taking my depression/anxiety into my own hands instead of releasing it fully to G-d? Or, is this preparing me and using the resources He has supplied me with? Ahhhh! my attack is getting worse just because now I'm confused. I think I better go try to sleep it off and face tomorrow when I get to tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Patho Exam Grade
I was hoping for an A...
Drumroll, please...
Seriously, I need a drumroll...
Fine, you don't have to do it. I got an 87% on my last patho test! That's pretty good considering the average was an 80% and the lowest was a 69%.
Now I have a 79.51% total in that class. So frustrating, but I hope to bring it up!
Drumroll, please...
Seriously, I need a drumroll...
Fine, you don't have to do it. I got an 87% on my last patho test! That's pretty good considering the average was an 80% and the lowest was a 69%.
Now I have a 79.51% total in that class. So frustrating, but I hope to bring it up!
Naivety Kills
Guys, I don't know if I spelled "Naivety" right, or if it's even a word. However, I do know that I am naive and I have made some terrible decisions in the past 24 hours, I want to talk to someone about it but I don't know who to talk to and how to express what's going on in my head!!! Oh, this is the most frustrating thing!!!!!!!!!! I can't even use enough exclamation points to convey this overwhelming embarrassment and regret.
No, before you go there, I did not have a one-night-stand. I didn't let anyone take my virginity. I have not gotten a boyfriend who I now regret. None of that stuff.
I did, however, let some guy "flatter" me out of $20. I also agreed to hang out with country boy even though I know that I should probably not do that either.
Let's tackle these stories one at a time.
First Story: I foolishly gave away $20. Why? There were some guys claiming they were in a public speaking class and an assignment they had was to go around the neighborhood to meet their neighbors and help gain support for a book drive for children in the hospital for Christmas. Red flags were poppin' up out of nowhere, folks, and I just ignored them. 1) I don't "do" Christmas anymore. I am firmly opposed to buying gifts for Christmas and I refuse Christmas parties of any kind with my friends, why would I support it now for strangers? 2) They were full of "easy conversation" and I think they tried to flirt with me. They asked what I did and were quite pleased when I told them I was a nursing student. Then, they asked if I had a husband or boyfriend. I denied having either. At this point they re-introduced themselves and offered to make me dinner sometime. Awkward. Plus, they were all up in my space when talking to me and I like to have a solid 5-8 feet distance between me and anyone at any given time. 3) They didn't mention money until the very end. 4) They gave me a total of $126 to donate to the book drive which could be payable by cash or check. I told them I didn't have it so they pressured me to pay a lesser amount. Finally, I settled on $20 because he said another neighbor had given him $21 to get off his porch. The guy at my porch pulled that money out of his pocket! That is a pretty big sign that he was likely keeping it for himself instead of this so-called book drive. Did I realize that at the time? Nope. I sure didn't. This all happened because they knocked like my guy friends do that live in the same complex. Upon looking out the peep-hole, they even looked like them. Newsflash, it wasn't my friends. For all I know, they could have been scoping my apartment to come back and rob me later. I didn't let them in, but you never know.
I am such a fool. Why can I be decently smart when it comes to school but a total doorknob when it comes to people? Why can I not let people in that can care about me but I let strangers get too close to me? My heart just went from feeling better and possibly healed of depression to being very heavy with regret.
Second Story; I agreed to go hang out with country boy. It seemed like a bad idea at the time and the more I think about it the more anxious I get. Should I go and talk to him face-to-face? Would I have the courage to finally be frank with someone in person? Last night we were texting, I was carrying on the conversation, as usual, instead of letting it go flat because his dad died in February and it was his birthday yesterday. I figured I would see how he was doing and let him vent if he wanted to. Bad idea because I don't want to become his therapist. I will listen to people talk about almost anything they want to talk about. When that's all I'm good for, then I don't need to be in their life, I need to refer them to a therapist who gets paid big bucks to be able to help with that stuff. By the end of the 14 message, 5 hour long conversation (because he takes a long time to reply), he asked if we would ever be able to "chill." I said sure. Then he asked when and I told him it probably couldn't be for awhile because Thanksgiving is coming up and my schedule is very different from his. He agreed. I asked what he wanted to do and he said it was up to me. Up to me? You ask me when we can hang out and I have to come up with something to do?! One of my biggest pet peeves ever. With no regard to my common sense, I suggested going to a new hunting store opening up in the area sometime in the future. He agreed to go there with me because he had wanted to go there too. So, no set date to go "hang out" but we have a place. What are we going to do there? We have nothing to talk about. Seriously, nothing because my list of questions that normally hardly gets used is already fully used, analyzed, and re-analyzed. There is nothing left for me to be able to ask him about because we just aren't compatible and we have very different beliefs.
With both of these instances, I want you readers to learn from my foolishness. I think I am falling for these cheap compliments and opportunities to hang out with boys because I want a boyfriend and I am very lonely and severely depressed right now.
If you guys are going through this, or if you know someone who may be depressed, talk with them. You don't have to say you think they have depression. Just hang out with them and encourage them. If people don't seem depressed around you, then they are really good at hiding it and you need to encourage everyone around you because, chances are, there is someone who is struggling to breath and having difficulty getting out of bed because life seems like too much of a struggle.
MOST IMPORTANT thing I can tell you right now is that ignorance is not bliss and naivety is not a joyful state to be in. Both of these come from experience I want others to gain wisdom from my foolishness. DON'T ever fall for gimmicks that require you to pay someone that comes door to door. Girl scouts can get money for cookies at their stands when you get the goods right away and don't have to wait for delivery with the chance that your payment and order will get lost. DON'T give cash to guys walking around trying to sell books for hospital kids. DON'T even answer the door for people you don't know if they aren't from maintenance. Even then, they will have a key. If they don't have a key, then they don't need to be in your house. DON'T answer the door if you aren't expecting anyone. Decent friends call to invite themselves over instead of dropping by completely unannounced. If G-d is hinting that you shouldn't do something or if something just doesn't "feel right," vow before hand, like right now would be great, that you will say NO! I don't care how uncomfortable it makes you feel, I can guarantee that you will feel better later when you think back about the instance and you were saved from getting scammed or raped or taken advantage of in any other way. These things happen and I don't want anyone of you to go through them. When a guy or girl does not seem interested in who you really are, don't hang out with them. If you do, then bring friends that you trust and have them for protection and also to observe the person you are wary about. DON'T hang out with people you are unsure about privately. That is a recipe for disaster. If they aren't comfortable around other people then tough cookies for them because they likely had some unsavory ideas about what was going to happen. Plus, if they like you, they need to like your friends and family otherwise you may be a very unhappy camper if the relationship gets serious enough for marriage.
Daily Thanksgiving: I only lost $20. It could have been much worse. I am grateful for the burn because it will allow me to think critically next time before falling for cheap compliments and insincere interest in me. I am thankful that G-d brought country boy into my life to teach me to set boundaries with someone that I do not have to see on a weekly basis and I won't be losing a major friendship if he stops talking to me because we aren't close and we hardly know each other. G-d is making me stronger. He is stretching me. He is giving me wisdom. He is protecting me as much as possible while still allowing me to make minor mistakes that can be easily fixed or that aren't too bad that my life is altered forever. He is teaching me who to trust, what to trust them with, and when to trust. He is maintaining my purity and innocence while also taking away my naivety and ignorance. That is a delicate line, but you better believe G-d knows how to walk it and how to steer me. While I feel frustrated and betrayed by these guys that came to my door, my depression does not seem to be coming back full-force. G-d is teaching me how to give it to Him and how to calm my anxiety. I know that I cannot do that on my own, I've tried. So, He allowed me to struggle for a few months while trying to handle it myself. Then, He took it away. Now, He is giving me little "tests" or opportunities to choose whether to drown in depression or walk on water through faith in Him. He is also teaching me to not let anxiety paralyze me, but to notice it and begin to realize that I need to work to get away from it.
Praise the L-rd for his loving instruction!
Thank you for reading today's lengthy post, I am feeling relieved of the burden that was present in my heart at the beginning of this. Please take wisdom from my foolishness and share my story, and any you may have, with people around you so that we may all grow wiser and avoid the Adversary's traps.
No, before you go there, I did not have a one-night-stand. I didn't let anyone take my virginity. I have not gotten a boyfriend who I now regret. None of that stuff.
I did, however, let some guy "flatter" me out of $20. I also agreed to hang out with country boy even though I know that I should probably not do that either.
Let's tackle these stories one at a time.
First Story: I foolishly gave away $20. Why? There were some guys claiming they were in a public speaking class and an assignment they had was to go around the neighborhood to meet their neighbors and help gain support for a book drive for children in the hospital for Christmas. Red flags were poppin' up out of nowhere, folks, and I just ignored them. 1) I don't "do" Christmas anymore. I am firmly opposed to buying gifts for Christmas and I refuse Christmas parties of any kind with my friends, why would I support it now for strangers? 2) They were full of "easy conversation" and I think they tried to flirt with me. They asked what I did and were quite pleased when I told them I was a nursing student. Then, they asked if I had a husband or boyfriend. I denied having either. At this point they re-introduced themselves and offered to make me dinner sometime. Awkward. Plus, they were all up in my space when talking to me and I like to have a solid 5-8 feet distance between me and anyone at any given time. 3) They didn't mention money until the very end. 4) They gave me a total of $126 to donate to the book drive which could be payable by cash or check. I told them I didn't have it so they pressured me to pay a lesser amount. Finally, I settled on $20 because he said another neighbor had given him $21 to get off his porch. The guy at my porch pulled that money out of his pocket! That is a pretty big sign that he was likely keeping it for himself instead of this so-called book drive. Did I realize that at the time? Nope. I sure didn't. This all happened because they knocked like my guy friends do that live in the same complex. Upon looking out the peep-hole, they even looked like them. Newsflash, it wasn't my friends. For all I know, they could have been scoping my apartment to come back and rob me later. I didn't let them in, but you never know.
I am such a fool. Why can I be decently smart when it comes to school but a total doorknob when it comes to people? Why can I not let people in that can care about me but I let strangers get too close to me? My heart just went from feeling better and possibly healed of depression to being very heavy with regret.
Second Story; I agreed to go hang out with country boy. It seemed like a bad idea at the time and the more I think about it the more anxious I get. Should I go and talk to him face-to-face? Would I have the courage to finally be frank with someone in person? Last night we were texting, I was carrying on the conversation, as usual, instead of letting it go flat because his dad died in February and it was his birthday yesterday. I figured I would see how he was doing and let him vent if he wanted to. Bad idea because I don't want to become his therapist. I will listen to people talk about almost anything they want to talk about. When that's all I'm good for, then I don't need to be in their life, I need to refer them to a therapist who gets paid big bucks to be able to help with that stuff. By the end of the 14 message, 5 hour long conversation (because he takes a long time to reply), he asked if we would ever be able to "chill." I said sure. Then he asked when and I told him it probably couldn't be for awhile because Thanksgiving is coming up and my schedule is very different from his. He agreed. I asked what he wanted to do and he said it was up to me. Up to me? You ask me when we can hang out and I have to come up with something to do?! One of my biggest pet peeves ever. With no regard to my common sense, I suggested going to a new hunting store opening up in the area sometime in the future. He agreed to go there with me because he had wanted to go there too. So, no set date to go "hang out" but we have a place. What are we going to do there? We have nothing to talk about. Seriously, nothing because my list of questions that normally hardly gets used is already fully used, analyzed, and re-analyzed. There is nothing left for me to be able to ask him about because we just aren't compatible and we have very different beliefs.
With both of these instances, I want you readers to learn from my foolishness. I think I am falling for these cheap compliments and opportunities to hang out with boys because I want a boyfriend and I am very lonely and severely depressed right now.
If you guys are going through this, or if you know someone who may be depressed, talk with them. You don't have to say you think they have depression. Just hang out with them and encourage them. If people don't seem depressed around you, then they are really good at hiding it and you need to encourage everyone around you because, chances are, there is someone who is struggling to breath and having difficulty getting out of bed because life seems like too much of a struggle.
MOST IMPORTANT thing I can tell you right now is that ignorance is not bliss and naivety is not a joyful state to be in. Both of these come from experience I want others to gain wisdom from my foolishness. DON'T ever fall for gimmicks that require you to pay someone that comes door to door. Girl scouts can get money for cookies at their stands when you get the goods right away and don't have to wait for delivery with the chance that your payment and order will get lost. DON'T give cash to guys walking around trying to sell books for hospital kids. DON'T even answer the door for people you don't know if they aren't from maintenance. Even then, they will have a key. If they don't have a key, then they don't need to be in your house. DON'T answer the door if you aren't expecting anyone. Decent friends call to invite themselves over instead of dropping by completely unannounced. If G-d is hinting that you shouldn't do something or if something just doesn't "feel right," vow before hand, like right now would be great, that you will say NO! I don't care how uncomfortable it makes you feel, I can guarantee that you will feel better later when you think back about the instance and you were saved from getting scammed or raped or taken advantage of in any other way. These things happen and I don't want anyone of you to go through them. When a guy or girl does not seem interested in who you really are, don't hang out with them. If you do, then bring friends that you trust and have them for protection and also to observe the person you are wary about. DON'T hang out with people you are unsure about privately. That is a recipe for disaster. If they aren't comfortable around other people then tough cookies for them because they likely had some unsavory ideas about what was going to happen. Plus, if they like you, they need to like your friends and family otherwise you may be a very unhappy camper if the relationship gets serious enough for marriage.
Daily Thanksgiving: I only lost $20. It could have been much worse. I am grateful for the burn because it will allow me to think critically next time before falling for cheap compliments and insincere interest in me. I am thankful that G-d brought country boy into my life to teach me to set boundaries with someone that I do not have to see on a weekly basis and I won't be losing a major friendship if he stops talking to me because we aren't close and we hardly know each other. G-d is making me stronger. He is stretching me. He is giving me wisdom. He is protecting me as much as possible while still allowing me to make minor mistakes that can be easily fixed or that aren't too bad that my life is altered forever. He is teaching me who to trust, what to trust them with, and when to trust. He is maintaining my purity and innocence while also taking away my naivety and ignorance. That is a delicate line, but you better believe G-d knows how to walk it and how to steer me. While I feel frustrated and betrayed by these guys that came to my door, my depression does not seem to be coming back full-force. G-d is teaching me how to give it to Him and how to calm my anxiety. I know that I cannot do that on my own, I've tried. So, He allowed me to struggle for a few months while trying to handle it myself. Then, He took it away. Now, He is giving me little "tests" or opportunities to choose whether to drown in depression or walk on water through faith in Him. He is also teaching me to not let anxiety paralyze me, but to notice it and begin to realize that I need to work to get away from it.
Praise the L-rd for his loving instruction!
Thank you for reading today's lengthy post, I am feeling relieved of the burden that was present in my heart at the beginning of this. Please take wisdom from my foolishness and share my story, and any you may have, with people around you so that we may all grow wiser and avoid the Adversary's traps.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Lost My Motivation...
Let's start off with some good news: My pharmacology teacher, after weeks of saying we would not be able to do it, sent out an email this morning saying that we could use our books on our upcoming test!!! My heart swelled and I am so relieved because I need at least a B, but I'm hoping for an A. Praise the L-rd! He answered my prayer to let us use our books.
Today I texted country boy first because I figured I would see if he would keep the conversation going. Not so much. He has asked me if we can hang out though...
I took my patho test and felt better than I've ever felt about one of these tests before. That also scares me, though, because sometimes that means that I made silly mistakes and didn't do as well as I had hoped. I'll let you guys know how I did when the scores are posted.
Well, I should be studying for my other two tests (of 3) I have this week. I had 5.5 hours today to study. I read Gathering Blue instead. (You should look into reading that book, btw. It is part of a 4 book "series." They don't really go fully together, but they are very interesting. They are written by Lois Lowry and the series starts with The Giver.) Now, I have a few more hours to study yet I'm watching t.v., texting country boy, and now writing this post. Folks, I lost my motivation.
I'm going to go look for it...
Today I texted country boy first because I figured I would see if he would keep the conversation going. Not so much. He has asked me if we can hang out though...
I took my patho test and felt better than I've ever felt about one of these tests before. That also scares me, though, because sometimes that means that I made silly mistakes and didn't do as well as I had hoped. I'll let you guys know how I did when the scores are posted.
Well, I should be studying for my other two tests (of 3) I have this week. I had 5.5 hours today to study. I read Gathering Blue instead. (You should look into reading that book, btw. It is part of a 4 book "series." They don't really go fully together, but they are very interesting. They are written by Lois Lowry and the series starts with The Giver.) Now, I have a few more hours to study yet I'm watching t.v., texting country boy, and now writing this post. Folks, I lost my motivation.
I'm going to go look for it...
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Study Break
Hey guys! I haven't been on here for what seems like a really long time. I have been studying and trying to figure out life. School is going somewhat better, but not by much.
Friday I went in to meet with my pharmacology teacher. That didn't really help at all. I'm so frustrated in that class and I'm so scared I'm not going to pass! I really need for G-d to allow me to remember everything I need to know for the next two tests so that I can get A's on them, or at least B's to pass the class.
In happier news, I got 100% on my pop quiz in Patho and I got a 90% on my other scheduled quiz for that same class. Praise the L-rd! Normally I get D's or F's on both of these types of quizzes, but G-d gave me good grades on these two and it brought my grade up considerably. That was a weight off.
Also, on Friday, I went out to coffee with my mentor. She confessed that she has been struggling with depression and I was able to tell her about my history and current bout with it. Then, in church this weekend, the pastor talked about depression! G-d must have needed me to hear about it or something because He usually has echoing lessons when He really needs me to get it. Well, I think I got it. Also, I feel like I've gotten somewhat "healed" of my current state of depression. It's only been 2.5 days, but I'm lighter and able to think more clearly. We will see when the pressures of life start to increase again, but for now I'm feeling a little better.
Country boy hadn't texted me for about a week and a half and then texted me tonight. Why tonight? I have three tests coming up this week, 1 of which I have to get a B on in order to pass and the other ones I'm feeling better about but still have so much to study! I've decided to not text him back unless he keeps the conversation going because I don't have the time, patience, or energy for this nonsense. Curious about tonight's conversation?
Him: "Hey"
Me: "Hey how's life?"
Him: "Decent, watching the game"
Seriously? Seriously. That's it. That is all that was written and that is likely how it will stay. This is a new boundary for me because normally I will keep asking questions. I will dig for conversation and try to be as polite as possible to keep being able to let us have something to talk about. Not tonight! I am not going to be some person's "texting buddy" if they have nothing to say. I have tried to start the conversation with him many times and he is still disinterested so I'm not doing it any longer. This is so silly for so many reasons. 1) We don't really know each other over texting or in "real" life. 2) We don't have much to talk about. 3) He always seems disinterested and does not contribute to the conversation or the continuation of said conversation. Therefore, I am done. I will give him the short answers he gives me and that will be the end of it. Maybe one day I will have the guts to ask him what we are doing and why. Today, however, it has taken a significant amount of guts and self determination to ignore the text because the conversation hit a dead end.
Tonight I also went out to study with my friends for our patho test tomorrow. After that, I'm even more scared about the patho exam. Normally I do okay just studying on my own and I think I need to go back to that for patho because they over think everything. They are preparing for a test that is way harder than our professor usually gives us and it confused the day lights out of my. So, for patho, I will continue to study alone.
Daily Thanksgiving: Sleep is coming soon. G-d gave me good grades in patho last week. I am learning to set my boundaries and I'm excited to finally practice having my say and standing up for myself. Also, I will be able to stand up for myself in a less threatening manner because I never see country boy, we only text each other. I am motivated to start studying for pharm and have started partially. I have also been studying for patho for about a week and a half as apposed to the normal day or two of cramming and it seems to be paying off. My depression may be subsiding. I received prayer and now have someone I can talk to about it because I didn't know who to talk to before. G-d answered my prayer to have someone to confess my depression to and someone who would understand me and be able to pray with me. That was huge.
Friday I went in to meet with my pharmacology teacher. That didn't really help at all. I'm so frustrated in that class and I'm so scared I'm not going to pass! I really need for G-d to allow me to remember everything I need to know for the next two tests so that I can get A's on them, or at least B's to pass the class.
In happier news, I got 100% on my pop quiz in Patho and I got a 90% on my other scheduled quiz for that same class. Praise the L-rd! Normally I get D's or F's on both of these types of quizzes, but G-d gave me good grades on these two and it brought my grade up considerably. That was a weight off.
Also, on Friday, I went out to coffee with my mentor. She confessed that she has been struggling with depression and I was able to tell her about my history and current bout with it. Then, in church this weekend, the pastor talked about depression! G-d must have needed me to hear about it or something because He usually has echoing lessons when He really needs me to get it. Well, I think I got it. Also, I feel like I've gotten somewhat "healed" of my current state of depression. It's only been 2.5 days, but I'm lighter and able to think more clearly. We will see when the pressures of life start to increase again, but for now I'm feeling a little better.
Country boy hadn't texted me for about a week and a half and then texted me tonight. Why tonight? I have three tests coming up this week, 1 of which I have to get a B on in order to pass and the other ones I'm feeling better about but still have so much to study! I've decided to not text him back unless he keeps the conversation going because I don't have the time, patience, or energy for this nonsense. Curious about tonight's conversation?
Him: "Hey"
Me: "Hey how's life?"
Him: "Decent, watching the game"
Seriously? Seriously. That's it. That is all that was written and that is likely how it will stay. This is a new boundary for me because normally I will keep asking questions. I will dig for conversation and try to be as polite as possible to keep being able to let us have something to talk about. Not tonight! I am not going to be some person's "texting buddy" if they have nothing to say. I have tried to start the conversation with him many times and he is still disinterested so I'm not doing it any longer. This is so silly for so many reasons. 1) We don't really know each other over texting or in "real" life. 2) We don't have much to talk about. 3) He always seems disinterested and does not contribute to the conversation or the continuation of said conversation. Therefore, I am done. I will give him the short answers he gives me and that will be the end of it. Maybe one day I will have the guts to ask him what we are doing and why. Today, however, it has taken a significant amount of guts and self determination to ignore the text because the conversation hit a dead end.
Tonight I also went out to study with my friends for our patho test tomorrow. After that, I'm even more scared about the patho exam. Normally I do okay just studying on my own and I think I need to go back to that for patho because they over think everything. They are preparing for a test that is way harder than our professor usually gives us and it confused the day lights out of my. So, for patho, I will continue to study alone.
Daily Thanksgiving: Sleep is coming soon. G-d gave me good grades in patho last week. I am learning to set my boundaries and I'm excited to finally practice having my say and standing up for myself. Also, I will be able to stand up for myself in a less threatening manner because I never see country boy, we only text each other. I am motivated to start studying for pharm and have started partially. I have also been studying for patho for about a week and a half as apposed to the normal day or two of cramming and it seems to be paying off. My depression may be subsiding. I received prayer and now have someone I can talk to about it because I didn't know who to talk to before. G-d answered my prayer to have someone to confess my depression to and someone who would understand me and be able to pray with me. That was huge.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Jacked Up Trucks and Baseball Hats
Have y'all noticed that some really cute boys drive some really handsome trucks? I mean the really cool, jack up pick-up trucks with massive tires and CB antennas. They are so cool! The cute boys driving these real cool trucks also have some unique, but super attrative outfit choices. I'm talkin' baseball cap (camo or not), Carhartt jackets, muddy boots, Wranglers/Levi's and they typically sport some nice strong arms with beautiful veins.
I have found myself seeing trucks, of any sort, and straining my neck to see who was driving. A lot of the time there are guys who are considerably older than me and likely married. However, sometimes there are some real cuties cruisin' in them lifted trucks. When did this ever start? I should not be risking eye contact with the driver or a possible automobile crash just to attempt to peak at who's behind the wheel!
It's sad guys. I just want to have some cute boy think I'm cute, who loves Yeshua (Jesus) and wants to let me go muddin' with him and his friends and maybe he'll let me drive his truck (in a safe place, like a parking lot). I know, however, that G-d will let me find who I need at the right time. Until then, I need to find a way to get these country boys off my mind...
Let me tell you, studying is not helping AT ALL!!!
I have found myself seeing trucks, of any sort, and straining my neck to see who was driving. A lot of the time there are guys who are considerably older than me and likely married. However, sometimes there are some real cuties cruisin' in them lifted trucks. When did this ever start? I should not be risking eye contact with the driver or a possible automobile crash just to attempt to peak at who's behind the wheel!
It's sad guys. I just want to have some cute boy think I'm cute, who loves Yeshua (Jesus) and wants to let me go muddin' with him and his friends and maybe he'll let me drive his truck (in a safe place, like a parking lot). I know, however, that G-d will let me find who I need at the right time. Until then, I need to find a way to get these country boys off my mind...
Let me tell you, studying is not helping AT ALL!!!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
"Don't you ever say that again."
I had another weird day. I was flustered, couldn't talk, and I was irritated but all for no reason. Then my brother got mad at me (because he's always mad at me now) and I suggested that he go live in the dorms next year. That didn't help the situation at all.
Amidst all of that craziness, I was trying to make myself some "dinner." Well, I made some toast, eggs, and sausage. Anyway, I go to put the egg in the pan to fry and this happens...
The shell made it into the pan while the yolk completely missed. How does that even happen?
I sent that picture to my mom with a caption of: "I'm so bad at life. :(" I meant it as a joke. She didn't take it as such.
Her reply: "I really don't want you to see (I think she meant hear) you say that again. You are given special life and I cherish u."
Then, I was choking back the tears, trying to clean this mess up and I feel kinda guilty now. I know that G-d gave me this life for a reason. He had to do so many miracles and He brought me here against many odds. However, I am screwing it all up! I wanted to be in nursing school soooooo bad, but now I'm nearly flunking two of my classes. At this point, there is a good chance I could get kicked out of nursing school. For real, I'm not just exaggerating here. I am so overwhelmed, so lonely, frustrated, burnt out, and crazed lately I don't know what I'm doing!
I keep wondering if G-d wants me here, but He wouldn't have let me get in if He didn't. Then I realize that I'm blowing this whole nursing school thing because I keep screwing around and not studying when I need to. That is why I'm getting bad grades. Still, I can't keep focused on what I need to do and then I get to panicking again.
I had a minor anxiety attack this afternoon because I'm over stressed. I think I am going to go get checked out for psych problems, but I don't even know what to say. Do I just call up and say, "Hey, I think I'm depressed. Can I get a psych consult?" That seems weird!
I did quite a bit of studying tonight, but it's not even close to being enough. This is just too much! I don't know what I'm doing! My teachers have given up on us and the semester went from bad to worse in a matter of weeks. This is the most hopeless I've felt in years. I'm drowning and have no lifeboat or flotation device anywhere. I can't handle this.
Amidst all of that craziness, I was trying to make myself some "dinner." Well, I made some toast, eggs, and sausage. Anyway, I go to put the egg in the pan to fry and this happens...
I sent that picture to my mom with a caption of: "I'm so bad at life. :(" I meant it as a joke. She didn't take it as such.
Her reply: "I really don't want you to see (I think she meant hear) you say that again. You are given special life and I cherish u."
Then, I was choking back the tears, trying to clean this mess up and I feel kinda guilty now. I know that G-d gave me this life for a reason. He had to do so many miracles and He brought me here against many odds. However, I am screwing it all up! I wanted to be in nursing school soooooo bad, but now I'm nearly flunking two of my classes. At this point, there is a good chance I could get kicked out of nursing school. For real, I'm not just exaggerating here. I am so overwhelmed, so lonely, frustrated, burnt out, and crazed lately I don't know what I'm doing!
I keep wondering if G-d wants me here, but He wouldn't have let me get in if He didn't. Then I realize that I'm blowing this whole nursing school thing because I keep screwing around and not studying when I need to. That is why I'm getting bad grades. Still, I can't keep focused on what I need to do and then I get to panicking again.
I had a minor anxiety attack this afternoon because I'm over stressed. I think I am going to go get checked out for psych problems, but I don't even know what to say. Do I just call up and say, "Hey, I think I'm depressed. Can I get a psych consult?" That seems weird!
I did quite a bit of studying tonight, but it's not even close to being enough. This is just too much! I don't know what I'm doing! My teachers have given up on us and the semester went from bad to worse in a matter of weeks. This is the most hopeless I've felt in years. I'm drowning and have no lifeboat or flotation device anywhere. I can't handle this.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Bad Friend = Good Nursing Student?
Picture Book Post
I added pictures so that you don't have to read all of my stuff if you don't want to. Also, I enjoy pictures so maybe they make this more fun for you guys...
Much love,
BedpanAlley
Do you guys remember how excited I was to get into nursing school?
That has not necessarily changes, but it's so much harder than I ever expected. I find myself wondering if I will ever get decent grades again. I find myself questioning if I will even pass the first semester!
It's a terrible cycle I've gotten into. I go to class, maybe work, then I come home to "study." Unfortunately, my brother does not seem to have as much homework, so he turns on the t.v. I inevidably get into the show he is watching because I do my homework in our living room. Next thing I know, it's 10:42 p.m. and I haven't done a thing all day!
I can't seem to focus even without the t.v. on though. Somehow I can start to work or study, but my mind begins to wander. Several hours into my fantasizing, I am again well past bedtime with little to show for my efforts of sitting down to study.
How do you all find ways to focus? Is this meaning that I'm just lazy? Are there ways for me to beat this procrastination/lack of concentration/studying struggle?
Oy, this is frustrating.
Also, my desire for a boyfriend has come back... It's like shingles! I had a mild case of it before (relating my minor desire for a boyfriend to chickenpox here). Now, with all of this stress and undesirable effects and ridiculousness with school and work, it has erupted into a severe, almost life-threatening, case of the shingles (or a stupidly severe case of wanting a boyfriend).
How do I stop this nonsense? Do I need to get some injection that stops estrogen production? Should I start taking testosterone? Is there a way to trick myself into not wanting this type of relationship?
I learned today in basic health assessment that young adults are in a development phase of intimacy vs. isolation. I don't even know what that means but I am quite isolated but I desperately want people, or at least someone, that I can talk to. I want someone to listen to me and be able to understand my weird thought processes. This craving for someone to be able to look at me, hear my random tangent thoughts, and totally understand my whole thought process would be incredible. It doesn't seem like I'm asking for the world, I just want a friend, possibly a boyfriend, who could see all of my crazy and truly not think I'm crazy. Someone to relate to, listen to, laugh with, go shopping with, go shooting/fishing/mudding with, would be a miracle.
However, if this is why I want a boyfriend, is that wrong? I still don't understand marriage, or dating, or flirting for that matter! How do I expect to be able to even handle a relationship. Plus, I have a really hard time talking about feelings because there is no clear cut way to do it, nor is there any rhyme or reason to it. In the past, every time I've talked about relationships with a potential suitor, I get so scared and I shut down because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I hate hurting feelings.
Also, how do I know that when we start actually going out I won't stop liking him? So far, when I've like guys and they admit to liking me, I stop liking them once they ask me out or admit their feelings for me. Is this because I knew more about who they really are once they start liking me back? Or am I just incapable of liking people who like me? I think I'm broken. Scratch that, I'm human. All humans are broken somehow. I just seem to be a little more 'off' than normal.
What's wrong with me? How do I enjoy being single? I don't know how to be single! That's ironic because I have NEVER, ever, ever, ever, had a boyfriend. EVER!!! Why do I not know how to be single and enjoy it?
HAHAHAHAHAH!!! For me, this is a big ol' lie. For some, perhaps its feasible... I guess. Me? not even a little bit.
Good news: my head feels slightly better from the other day because I found some words for my confusion. Bad news: since talking this out, I now have an exponentially increased amount of thoughts that are not expressible. If I never post again, it's because I spontaneously combusted from school stress and getting lost in my own thoughts that have no words. Therefore they are not even real thoughts, just stuff in my brain.
Folks, if you're reading this. Please help me!!! I'm losing my mind because all aspects of my life are falling apart.
Much love,
BedpanAlley
Do you guys remember how excited I was to get into nursing school?
That has not necessarily changes, but it's so much harder than I ever expected. I find myself wondering if I will ever get decent grades again. I find myself questioning if I will even pass the first semester!
It's a terrible cycle I've gotten into. I go to class, maybe work, then I come home to "study." Unfortunately, my brother does not seem to have as much homework, so he turns on the t.v. I inevidably get into the show he is watching because I do my homework in our living room. Next thing I know, it's 10:42 p.m. and I haven't done a thing all day!
I can't seem to focus even without the t.v. on though. Somehow I can start to work or study, but my mind begins to wander. Several hours into my fantasizing, I am again well past bedtime with little to show for my efforts of sitting down to study.
How do you all find ways to focus? Is this meaning that I'm just lazy? Are there ways for me to beat this procrastination/lack of concentration/studying struggle?
Oy, this is frustrating.
Also, my desire for a boyfriend has come back... It's like shingles! I had a mild case of it before (relating my minor desire for a boyfriend to chickenpox here). Now, with all of this stress and undesirable effects and ridiculousness with school and work, it has erupted into a severe, almost life-threatening, case of the shingles (or a stupidly severe case of wanting a boyfriend).
How do I stop this nonsense? Do I need to get some injection that stops estrogen production? Should I start taking testosterone? Is there a way to trick myself into not wanting this type of relationship?
I learned today in basic health assessment that young adults are in a development phase of intimacy vs. isolation. I don't even know what that means but I am quite isolated but I desperately want people, or at least someone, that I can talk to. I want someone to listen to me and be able to understand my weird thought processes. This craving for someone to be able to look at me, hear my random tangent thoughts, and totally understand my whole thought process would be incredible. It doesn't seem like I'm asking for the world, I just want a friend, possibly a boyfriend, who could see all of my crazy and truly not think I'm crazy. Someone to relate to, listen to, laugh with, go shopping with, go shooting/fishing/mudding with, would be a miracle.
However, if this is why I want a boyfriend, is that wrong? I still don't understand marriage, or dating, or flirting for that matter! How do I expect to be able to even handle a relationship. Plus, I have a really hard time talking about feelings because there is no clear cut way to do it, nor is there any rhyme or reason to it. In the past, every time I've talked about relationships with a potential suitor, I get so scared and I shut down because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I hate hurting feelings.
What's wrong with me? How do I enjoy being single? I don't know how to be single! That's ironic because I have NEVER, ever, ever, ever, had a boyfriend. EVER!!! Why do I not know how to be single and enjoy it?
Good news: my head feels slightly better from the other day because I found some words for my confusion. Bad news: since talking this out, I now have an exponentially increased amount of thoughts that are not expressible. If I never post again, it's because I spontaneously combusted from school stress and getting lost in my own thoughts that have no words. Therefore they are not even real thoughts, just stuff in my brain.
Folks, if you're reading this. Please help me!!! I'm losing my mind because all aspects of my life are falling apart.
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