What to do...

So, since I am working on not gossiping, am I able to talk to you about my friends and family? For instance, when I was talking about the guys that have asked me out, and my friend who may have a "thing" for me. Am I able to talk about that kinda stuff?

I really need some input on this because I do not know what to do. Most likely, you do not know who I am talking about, and I do not use names so it's not like you can go back to whoever I am talking about or start rumors. However, I am still giving you the run-down of my life which includes the juicy little tidbits that happen to me throughout the day. The definition of gossip I got from Google is: "Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true." All of these reports are true, I experienced them firsthand but that does not mean these subjects are okay from G-d's point of view.. I really need to read up on what the Bible says about gossip and pray about it so that I can make a Biblical stand on what I talk about and what I keep to myself. More to come soon...

On a different note, I turned in my Intent to Apply form for nursing school! It's kinda silly you have to turn in a form saying you are planning on applying because they will know when you apply. It also makes sense though so they can get you file set-up and make sure you are doing everything you need to be doing. My school usually has a couple hundred students apply to the nursing program each semester (you can apply in the spring for fall, or fall for spring). The problem is, there are only about 30-40 clinical spots each year. That makes me nervous. Well, it should, but I have this overwhelming peace about it. That doesn't mean I am certain I will get into this program, though I sure do hope I do! I simply have peace because I know that whatever happens, G-d has ultimate control and He will allow what is best for me to happen. Thus, His plans prevail and all the glory will be to His name. The whole system is beautiful really.

Also, I get to go home tomorrow! It's my mom's birthday this weekend and I am going home to make her some dinner, bake some challah (try it, it's good), and relax with my family and my dog. I cannot wait!

*When you try challah, make sure it is a sweet kind and homemade if possibly so that you can add honey and/or sugar to it yourself. The kind they have at Einstein's is mini, and absolutely adorable, but it's not usually sweet. Also, try the cinnamon raisin kind that is typically made for Rosh Hashannah, it is absolutely delicious!*

Test Results

In college, tests usually end up being scheduled all in the same week or two. I don't really know why this is, but it is a pattern I have discovered. Last week and the week before just happened to be my testing weeks. As you may know, I got a C on my A&P Lab test, a B on my A&P Lecture, a B on my Chem test and I finally got my grade back for psych... I got 104% with no extra credit offered!!! It wasn't even a typo, the teacher just decided that 6 questions were not properly worded, so she gave the entire class (of nearly 400, I think) 12 extra points. This was my first A of the semester (even without the extra points) on a test and it felt really good. Somehow, it doesn't seem as though I deserve it because I did not study nearly enough for the test, and the whole thing is multiple choice. But I am so very glad with the results because my other grades were really getting me down. This is a start, not a great one, but it's not nearly as bad as it could have been. Now, just to finish off the week... I have psych left today since I went to Chem this morning. Then I have A&P, English and Chem lab tomorrow. 11.5 weeks remaining in the semester, out of 18 (including spring break and finals week). We are making head-way guys!

My struggle to nicer talk update: I am struggling with this not because I gossip, but because I let others "vent" and gossip to me. I am also not to the point where I have stopped my sarcastic remarks to my friends. Everyone knows it is all fun and games, and most of us use sarcasm, but I don't want to be speaking anything but life to my friends. This may be a really difficult habit to break because we have morphed as a friend group to really shy and timid people, to being super comfortable with each other so we can poke fun at each others faults or shortcomings. While this may be fun, it is not right for me to do as a believer in Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) because we are called to be children of light. In order to do this, we must be respectful and build each other up, speaking life over them, complimenting them, pulling them aside to talk about shortcomings that may affect the person/group, etc. When I started doing daily thanksgivings, it was really hard, I did not normally look for the good in life because I saw so much "going wrong". But once I got into the habit of looking for thanksgivings, I became more positive and happy. This was a crazy transformation because I struggle(d) with depression. Of coarse, I still have seasons of depression, but it is usually because I am not following the L-rd's plans, or I am rebelling in some way. Perhaps speaking life over my friends, and everyone else, will bring some sort of positive effect for them and maybe even for myself. I still need an accountability partner though... Maybe if I am accountable to all of you, it will work even better! Congratulations, you are all now helping me to live a more Messiah-like life! Don't be afraid to tell me when I am not speaking properly about others. Just be honest. Honesty seems even easier when you cannot see me and I cannot see you doesn't it?

I also want to start talking more positively. My friends compared me to the "grumpy cat" that usually has a frown and says some negative (yet funny) comment about most everything that is enjoyable. I know I complain quite a bit, even though it's not nearly as much as I used to. This is unacceptable for me to do. G-d blesses me with so much, how is it that my friends do not see the joy that comes from my relationship with Ad-nai? Obviously, I am living improperly, because my friends should see the love and excitement I have for G-d. I should be known for this joy and love, not for my depression, negative remarks, and sarcasm. I want to be known for being kind, gentle, loving, gracious, thankful, enjoyable, and positive. This has to change and I plan on allowing G-d to work with me on it.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got an amazing grade on my first psych test. I am also thankful I paid off my balance from moving to a more expensive dorm room. G-d took care of both of those because I definitely could have managed extra cash or more than 100% on a test (that does not offer extra credit points). Today, I am feeling so blessed and at peace. I know I am blessed everyday, today is just one of those times I am able to really notice every single blessing and the overwhelming Shalom (peace and many other meanings, you should look it up) encompassing me like a hug. I am also thankful that G-d is pointing out my flaws. He disciplines and works on those He loves, as long as they are willing, right? Maybe I am learning how to listen to His whispers in my life, teaching me to live properly for Him. I sure hope so because I do not like living improperly especially when my friends know I am a believer. I want to make sure my life reflects His beauty in all aspects. I am thankful for His correction.

Short Tangent

Do you guys mind if I have a minor meltdown here online?

I am going insane with all my friends getting married and having babies. My best friend (the one that asked me out in middle school) got married our senior year of high school (last year). Plus, his wife just had a baby a month or so ago. They were married for a little over a year, so everything was squared away there, but still! One of my friends got married this summer. Another friend got married today. Not to mention, so many others who are having babies (married or not) or getting married here shortly. Is this phenomenon weird for anyone else? As soon as high school is over (sometimes before high school is done), everyone has the urge to get hitched. What's up with that? Marriage is cool and all, I just need a little warning is all. I learned about my best friends marriage, and baby, through his sisters posts on Facebook, which plumb breaks my heart. One friend texted me when she got engaged, so I had some warning for her. But the friend that got married today didn't tell anyone anything. She just up and posted she was married on FB and announced they would have a ceremony come spring.

I am starting to be able to better deal with my friends getting married while I do not have a boyfriend yet or any plans to get married. This used to be a very touchy and sore subject for me. But I just need a little heads up. A bit of notice is all. Perhaps a little notice would allow me some time to digest the information and go through my processing cycle (which just happens to be a lot like the grief cycle as of yet). Just a little bit of time to hear the news, be sad, then slightly angry, then depressed, then I can move on to accept it... eventually. These cycles usually last a few months though. G-d is really working on me with this sadness about marriage thing. After my friend got married this summer, I have not had another bout with this ugly mess of me during the "marriage cycle". But it still stings. I know it stems from self-pity, which is really a slap in G-d's face, and He is allowing me to grow tremendously. This growth doesn't make it go away completely though and I want to be real with you guys because maybe someone out there experiences this kind of stuff too. I don't know if anyone does or not though, so I post it just in-case.

Regardless, I am grateful I have never had a boyfriend because I think all of this would be a lot harder on me if I had one (either currently or at some time in the past). All of this news about my best friend would have been much harder to swallow because it would have been my ex-boyfriend instead of a boy I merely hung out with a ton for about three years. Never-the-less, it still breaks my heart I couldn't find out from him. It sucks I can't meet his wife and his new baby boy, but c'est la vie.

Sorry about the length, my short tangent morphed into a full-fledged rant! That seems to happen a lot with me, huh? Well, I really appreciate you reading, or just allowing me to vent (even if you don't read it).

Permission to Speak

Does anyone else have days when you wish you weren't aloud to speak because what you say is just kinda random and out of place? I have that kind of day nearly every day. I think it's because I zone out, or cannot hear someone during the conversation. I then proceed to "add" to the conversation, but end up looking like a fool because what I say is totally off topic and random. Sometimes, I think it would be nice if I had a muzzle and was not allowed to talk without a review board looking over every word I plan to say before a sound is uttered from my lips. By the time the statement is processed, it would still be off topic because the conversation would have moved on by then... I am just a slow thinker, which comes in really unfortunate when I try to be witty or when I am trying to make my argument face-to-face with someone because I think of what to say hours or even days later. When I bring up the conversation again, they look at me like I'm nuts and they probably wonder why they are my friend in the first place. Whatever, I make myself laugh and I know I could have won the argument!

Recently I watched a sermon on YouTube from a Messianic Rabbi. He was talking about gossip, slanderous speech, and other things I am very guilty of (including listening to music that is not of G-d, which came out of no-where but was something G-d was already talking to me about).  Most of these things had to do with the need to control our tongue, it was very interesting and touched my heart profoundly. Isn't it crazy how Ad-nai impressing things upon our hearts, then goes on to reinforce His message in a bunch of seemingly unrelated ways. That's when I know He is talking to me most times, because the same lesson and solution keep coming up in most/all aspects of my life. This controlling my tongue thing is really tough. I have made it a point to try to not slander people, and I have been really working on that for a couple years. But I have learned I still gossip and contribute to the gossiping nature in others, even just by letting them vent. While they are venting, however, there may be some personal attacks or other things said that are not life-promoting words. When this happens, and I do not speak life about the person being gossiped or talked about, it is causing damage to them because of the power in words. This power reaches beyond the emotional hurt someone may feel when the news gets back to them, it really seems to be a way Satan spreads his mischief in this world. So, I need accountability partners. If you comment or email me, I can give you the link to the video I watched, it was really powerful. But I need help. I need to be able to be told when I am talking poorly about others. Even talking about my residents and the CNA's that help train me with anything less of complete respect is wrong of me to do. I should be speaking life about them and over them. We should be speaking life about everyone and if there is no life or good things to be said... then nothing should be said at all. So, is there anyone out there willing to help keep me accountable for my speech?

Daily Thanksgiving: Today got warmer. I had an easy day and I also got to spend time with my friends. Nothing big, but even when we do not see anything "big" happen in our lives, G-d is still working miracles, He just hasn't shown them to us yet. I also got to go to lunch with my nursing mentor, who is also my mentor for youth group/Bible study here on campus. I don't know what to call it, but it is like youth group. I am so thankful for her kindness. It is not easy to be friends with me sometimes, just because I am not great at keeping conversations going (though I really do try) and I need more time alone than the average person, so people think I am antisocial. Friends really do make me happy, I just need smaller, less frequent doses than most other people. But she has really been persistent and G-d is teaching me so much through her, not just about nursing school or my relationship with Him. He is teaching me how to branch out and show who He is in more aspects of my life.

Lazy Day

Shabbat Shalom! Well, it's the end of Shabbat, but doesn't hurt to say it.

Today was beautiful. It feels like spring even though we just had a blizzard a few days ago and they are calling for another one tonight. It doesn't look like it will snow, and I sure hope it doesn't because I have work at 6:30 tomorrow morning. Even with the beautiful weather, I stayed in my dorm room and relaxed all day. Read the Torah, Haftarah and Brit Haddasha portions this morning, then relaxed. I cannot imagine life without Sabbath anymore. It is truly a day when I am able to renew my strength for the coming week. For those of you who do not have a true day of rest, seriously consider taking it up. It was commanded as a day to restore and rejuvenate us, why not obey G-d and benefit from the blessing of Shabbat?

Update on my friend: He may be upset with me now, or I may be over-thinking everything. Nothing happened, we were just texting and I sent something that was improperly worded, but when I apologized, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about... I don't know what's going on. But it has made me think and rethink my plans for marriage and dating. These plans are super conservative and old-fashioned. I want my future boyfriend to ask my dad before he takes me on a date or even asks me out. He also must be friend first. I want to wait to have our first kiss at our wedding. I do not want to ever date anyone that is not serious about G-d. My future boyfriend/husband truly has to be in love with G-d before he can even think about me. I want him to go to G-d for everything, and be more in love with Ad-nai than he is with me. I do not want to start dating until junior year at the earliest and I don't plan to get married until I am graduated from college. These conditions/desires are just the tip of the iceberg. they may seem unrealistic and absurd, but these are things I believe have been pressed upon my heard by Ha-Shem (look up the meaning of this name for G-d, it's really cool!). These are ways to insure the purity and safety of my heart. They are also to ensure that the man I end up dating and possibly marrying, is the one that G-d has chosen for me.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's short and sweet today... I am thankful for Shabbat and G-d's protection over every part of me, especially my heart.

Got Myself a Boyfriend

No, this has nothing to do with my friend that I think is flirting with me (though I don't really know what flirting is). But I got myself a boyfriend... at work. He doesn't know my name, and so he gets really creative every time he calls me over. He often refuses to feed himself, he wants me to feed him. He gets aggravated at the others around us occasionally. I also take him to the bathroom. You guessed it! He's one of the residents.

Somehow, he attaches himself to me each time I work. Which is really good, because I can actually convince him to go to the bathroom when others can't. He cooperates so well with because of this attachment. Maybe I look like someone from his past?

Anyway, I had my second AMAZING day! This time, I didn't have my work mama teaching me, but my day went well because I am finally starting to get this job a little bit. I was able to get 5 people up and to breakfast which is hard because each person has their own personality and everyone seemed to be having an "off" day today. Anyone else notice strange behavior at work today? I know I am still slow, but I am getting much faster than I was. For the first month and a half I was miserable at work, as I am sure you can recall. Work made me want to cry, and I don't cry all that much. It made me wonder if I could be a nurse and I seriously doubted my intentions of becoming a CNA. G-d has since allowed me to have much better days. He even lets patients that are normally uncooperative, and sometimes combative, settle down and help me. It's so amazing, and I have no doubt that G-d is the one calming the residents down.

Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for how ridiculously amazing Ad-nai is. He is always answering my prayers, even the silly, little, random prayers said under my breath. He gives me my hearts desires by first giving me the desire for something, then providing what I desire (my theory). No matter what it is that I am going through, He is always there protecting me and listening to me even when I am having "toddler tantrum" days.

Sweet Eli

I saw this link on Facebook, so I followed it and I am so glad I did. This sweet little boy would have been aborted if the parents would have listened to the doctors, I am so very glad that they didn't. Read the story and watch the video, just have some tissues on hand.

Copy and paste: http://iamforlife.wordpress.com/2013/02/20/my-name-is-eli-i-am-the-0-01/

This story is especially special to me, because my family was told the same things. My mom and dad were unmarried when I was born, but they got married shortly after my birth. When my mom went in for a check up, the doctors found a tumor. They advised her to get an abortion because there was a very small chance I would make it to my second birthday. If I did make it that long, I would have severe mental and physical disabilities because I had Tay-Sachs Disease. To protect my parents from this tragedy of losing their baby, they suggested abortion. My mom refused. It turns out the "tumor" was just my cerebrospinal fluid developing abnormally early. Needless to say, I made it past my second birthday and I am just fine.

Today, I am completely healthy. I have no disabilities and I am planning on celebrating my nineteenth birthday in April. Sweet Eli, may have some cosmetic differences, but he is beautiful. There is no doubt in my mind that G-d planned Eli's life and my life to show that what doctors call impossible is, in fact, possible with G-d. If our parents listened blindly to the doctor's advice, he and I would not be here today. I am so very proud of his parents, and my parents, for having the courage to go on with pregnancy knowing that the doctor's had such a bad prognosis for us. It took a lot of fighting for my mom to convince the doctor's she would not even think about aborting me. Why are doctor's so set on pressuring their patients? Aren't they supposed to present the facts and ways to go about handling situations, then allow their patients to decide?

I am so very thankful for his parents having the strength and courage to go through with their pregnancy, and now they are raising a beautiful baby boy and defying odds. Today, parents like these are what I am so very thankful for.

College Snow Day!!!

I woke up, knowing school was delayed. Then, school texted me saying school is cancelled. This is a good day, the first college snow day of my career!

Last night, I fell asleep listening to a bunch of people having a snow-ball fight down on the turf. A bunch of my friends also went "backwards laundry basket sledding". I didn't necessarily think I would say this, but college is so fun! We get even 3 inches, and people turn into children again. Or, if given bubbles, playdough, coloring books, or any number of children's entertainment items, we go nuts. I love that because I am the same way, but my "friends" used to look at me like I needed some serious help, because I am normally so serious. There are now people who understand me here, I have never really had that (except with adults) and I love it.

Daily Thanksgiving: So far (it's only 8 a.m.), and I have been up for about an hour), I am thankful for snow, and the fact that G-d answered my prayers for a snow day. Also, I am thankful for silly college students that are mature normally, but act like kids the second anything happens that reminds them of childhood.

Major Problems, HELP!

So, y'all know my stories about guys asking me out... over texts so far. These guys always do this stuff and just plumb blindside me! Well, seeing as you guys all know me so well, I need some help. It seems as though another guys is starting to develop a crush on me. Again, it's one of my super close guy friends and I just don't know what to do. I was doing fine, I was finally content being single and I am convinced I do not want a boyfriend until I am at least a junior or senior and no marriage until I graduate. Now, out of the blue, my friend started being sweet to me. Lets just go over what happened tonight:

So he asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him. This is not unusual because we live on campus and a bunch of us often text and plan meals together, so I thought it was just going to be a normal night. Turns out, he only asked me. Then at dinner, he asked what I was doing before he came over and got me, I told him I was working on chemistry. He responded with: "I think we have some chemistry goin' on right here!" It was in a joking voice, but something seems different. Then he came over to my room and hung out for awhile, which doesn't happen often, but is not super strange.

Please tell me I am just reading too much into this. He keeps giving me hugs, which is actually really strange because he knows I hate hugs, but he says he is trying to melt my heart. Oh gosh, I can't do this! He knows my stories about the guys that have asked me out over text and asked me if he asked me out in person what I would say. I told him I didn't know and changed the subject really fast. Guys, I can't lose another friend this way. What is it that I'm doing wrong to ruin all of these friendships because they develop a crush? Maybe I need to get some medicine to stop my pheromones or something.

On the plus side, it seems like we may have a snow day tomorrow... AT COLLEGE!!! It's like a blizzard outside and I have heard forecasts of snow from 3-9 inches, but we are already at 3 inches and it is coming down so thick that I cannot hardly see lights 30-50 yards away, though they would normally be super clear.

Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that G-d has saved my heart and myself from getting too hurt and for keeping me from boyfriend relationships. I am also thankful for the snow. Snow reminds me of the way G-d washes all our sins away and starts again with a fresh slate. When the snow melts, the dirt just drains off with the water and the earth is "cleaner" than it was before with each snow storm. I am also thankful for G-d's provisions and answer to prayers, He will show me what to do. Funny how this is the biggest dilemma I am currently faced with even though I am taking A&P, chem, and psych (3 sciences) and I am trying to get into nursing school. But, Ad-nai is faithful, and so very kind and He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He is my love, He is my husband and the only one I will ever be able to fully rely on.

Minor Celebrations

With school, I get really excited when I do well, and I get slightly upset when I do not do well. So, I usually celebrate little accomplishments, like getting A's and 100% on tests and quizzes. Since I was kinda down on myself for getting a B and a C on my first two A&P Exams of the semester, I would like to share that I got 100% percent on my chem quiz! It's something small, but it's so great to be able to celebrate minor accomplishments when they do occur. So what are your minor accomplishments today? Do you care to share? I would love to celebrate with you!

That is also my thanksgiving today, that I did well on my chem quiz. Also, the fact that I have amazing friends who are supporting me now more than ever since I am in my own room now. I have never found other people so genuinely happy for me now that I am able to be comfortable and happy in my own space. If you have amazing friends out there supporting you, thank them for it. Give them hugs (if that's your thing and if they are cool with it), give them candy, send a thank-you note, do something to tell them how much you appreciate them. Now, if you do not have amazing friends that support you like this, don't worry, just pray about it. That's how G-d brought my friends into my life, and these people understand me, they are my kind of people. But if you go out and look for them, you may not be able to find them. Just pray, and watch how G-d works, He will bring you the right people.

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Wonderful Work Day! Who knew it could be fun?

Oh man, I had the best day yesterday! I was behind, and I am still super green. Plus I always feel so bad for the people that have to work with me because I get so behind, but I got to work with my favorite CNA yesterday! She used to be a biology teacher, but now she is a CNA while she goes back to school for nursing. This lady is a true blessing. She lets me learn on my own and she explains all the tricks and tips she has picked up over the years from working there. Most CNA's just do everything for you when you are new, that is really not good because then you don't get to develop your own rhythm and method for everything. So even though I had a tough day and I got us an hour behind, I learned so much and really enjoyed my day at work. That's a first, normally I go home exhausted and on the verge of breaking down. It gets so bad, I often wonder what I was thinking becoming a CNA and I want to quit even though I have only been there a month. It's a really hard, demanding job, but it is one that is truly satisfying. Plus, I have the best "work mama" (that's what I call this amazing CNA) a new CNA could ask for, she has truly taken me under her wing and is so very gracious to me in this learning experience.

So, my thanksgiving today is that G-d allowed me to meet my new work mama. She makes me not be so homesick, she makes work enjoyable and I just can't say enough about how great she is. I am truly blessed to have such incredible people that G-d puts into my life!

Two Tests, One Week

Shabbat Shalom! I know it is the end of Shabbat (Sabbath), but I have not gotten to say that to anyone this Shabbat and that is one of my favorite things to do. I seriously look forward to that all week, that's how exciting my life is. Any-who...

In college, it just so happens that every class has a test has to be taken within the same week as every other test, that's just how it works. So I had two tests this week, both for A&P with only 2-4 hours to study for each one. This is because I got notification of my room change Monday and you only get 48 hours to move everything. G-d kept me from failing them completely though. I got a B on the lecture exam and a C on the lab practical, which really bums me out. Next week, I get to take 2 more tests! (That was sarcasm, it doesn't translate through writing very well.) At least they are for classes I understand, psych and chem. Well, I think I understand them, until I get my test and grades back.

In brighter news, I went to a Rotic party. Ya, sounds weird right? It was so fun! They named it Rotic because it is romantic without the "man". Only girls were invited, many of us single, and all of us got to be goofy and girly together. We decorated cupcakes and watched a movie. So, even though I despise Valentine's Day (it would take too long to explain here), I had a blast at this VD themed party with amazing girls. We even passed out Valentine's like we were back in grade school!

Daily Thanksgiving: Today I am thankful for Shabbat. I love that I relax, don't work, don't study, don't buy stuff. I just sleep and take it easy. This is such an amazing change from the craziness of the entire week that I don't know how I ever lived without observing it. I am also thankful for the amazing friends G-d has put into my life. Finally I am meeting people that share many of my same quirks. I have never met so may genuinely kind people before. This is so refreshing after the problems with my roommates and other girls in the past. These girls get me! They crochet, knit, watch the same redneck t.v. shows I do, they were raised in the same way I was and they have lived lives so much like mine it's kinda scary. I am also very thankful for you. Yes, you. I do not know who you are, but you have been put on earth for a reason and you have stumbled across this blog for a reason.

The Cherry On Top

I totally forgot to mention the fire drill! You know how confusing a fire drill is to the elderly? Plus, how difficult it is to actually protect the elderly in case of a fire? Extremely difficult. Think about all those school fire drills and how long it took to get everyone to a safe location with people that walk and can run, if need be. Totally different with this group. If there is a fire, the protocol saves only a handful of residents. I never realized how hard this would be. In hospitals and these types of care facilities, it is impossible to save everyone from the fire, so everyone just bunkers down and stays in their room, praying that the fire does not get to them. This brings up so many worries, concerns and fears, but G-d is in control. Should a fire ever happen, I do not know that I would be able to leave anyone behind.

Sorry for the dismal turn this post took, I just care so much about these residents and all my future patients.

AHHHHHHHH!

 Today was NUTS at work. We had a digger, who also fell. First she dug out the solid contents of her disposable undergarments, then decided to have a little art session. Then, she somehow ended up on the floor from her wheelchair. Another lady, also in a wheelchair, would not stand up when she asked to use the bathroom, so she decided to sit on the floor also. The second lady did not fall, and we are not entirely sure if the first patient fell for sure. But it was crazy. Both incidences happened withing ten minutes of each other. Plus, I was the only CNA on the unit because we only have 2 CNA's per unit (max of 16 patients per floor) and I am brand-new. Now, I am not a crier, especially in front of others, but I almost lost it at work. But folks, we have the sweetest RN's and LPN's ever. They have made it so that I can survive work because work turns into a battle field when I get there. I do not know what it is about me, but the residents go wild. It's days like this that I wonder why I am a CNA, I wanted to become an EMT. However, I was trying to be concurrently enrolled in high school and I was too young for EMT classes. But I think these lessons are better learned now that when I become an RN with my BSN. It will be a tough road and I will constantly be learning, but this is the road G-d has allowed me to go down and I will take what He sends my way.

Daily Thanksgiving: Today, we had an awesome meeting at work. We talked about state compliance with safety procedures or something like that, which sounds boring but all we really did was practice using a "Hoyer" life, a "Sit-to-Stand" lift and a gait belt on our supervisors. This brought me back to the fun we had in CNA school doing this stuff to each other. I am thankful for the fun that we had at the meeting, the "ice-breaking" it allowed, and also my amazing supervisors! I have never been so thankful for LPN's and RN's that are so genuinely kind, gracious and understanding of how hard being a CNA is. I have heard stories of how RN's treat their CNA's, but at my facility, they are the kindest people I have ever had the pleasure of working with. Along with the relationships with the patients, these LPN's and RN's make it worth while to come to work. I don't care a lot about the paycheck, just let me watch this amazing nursing staff do what they do best.

*Disclaimer: I have not told the names of the patients or facility and I have slightly fudged on the events that took place to maintain patient confidentiality. No HIPAA rules broken.*

Does anyone else have horror stories from brutal days at work? Does anyone else have stories about amazing nursing staff or coworkers in general? Please share, I would love to hear them!

A Girl's Advice to Guys

Since you do not know me, and I do not know you, I am spilling my thoughts out onto "paper" (the internet) and I am being completely honest here. I do not understand attraction in the sense my peers and most everyone on this earth understands it. When I see a guy my friends thinks is "hot", I am not able to see it. I do not understand this beauty they obviously find in this persons appearance. When I have crushes, it is because I know the guy, have spent loads of time with him and now sense that he would somehow better my life if we were dating. I have never had a boyfriend though, but I am not upset about that. Though I am eighteen and never dated anyone, I do not think I have missed out on anything. For those of you who date, I am not apposed to dating. I just believe that knowing who I am without anyone else is good for me personally, but we are all living very different lives and G-d has different plans for us all.

With that said, the only aspect of beauty I understand is the mental and physiological processes behind being attracted to someone. These processes are fascinating to me! The fact that your pupils dilate, you release pheromones, and your sympathetic nervous system kicks in is all interesting because it is all based on a thought or sight of someone. And that someone you are attracted to often is able to subconsciously be aware that you are attracted to them because of the pheromones they pick up, and their brain recognizes that your pupils are dilated and a whole bunch of other stuff. It is also interesting that someone who is thought to be beautiful commonly has a certain type of facial symmetry that most people are able to understand and think is attractive. Why do I not have this? I am not sure, but I believe G-d has spared me from the problems that surely would have arisen for me from this. I believe He is protecting my heart from constant damage that crushes used to cause for me.

Why have I never dated anyone? It's not as though I have never had offers, I just declined them. There are actually two main stories that I will remember for a very long time. The first is about my best friend in grades six through eight. We did so much together and our siblings were the same age so they hung out a lot too and actually started dating for awhile. One night we were texting late at night, and he asked me if I liked him. First of all, I thought a rumor was going around that I had a crush on him, so I quickly denied that I did. Instead, I told him I like him as a friend and he was my best friend. After a very long break in the conversation, I asked him why he had asked me that. He revealed that he liked me as more than a friend. I didn't respond. That's how I lost my best friend. He stopped talking to me for a few months when I needed him the most because some of the girls at school were not being very nice and I was struggling with life so bad. He just got married a year ago, even though he and his wife were still in high school. They also just had a baby a couple weeks ago but they did it right, "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage." It just sucks because he was one of the people I was closest to, but I had to find out about his marriage and child through Facebook when his sister posted pictures. It breaks my heart to think about him, but I am glad I did not date him because it would have truly broken me.

The other story is similar but quite different. I met this boy at shul (it's like church, but we call it congregation or shul) and he started texting me after we had known each other for a few months. He would text me all the time just asking me about life, so I would return the conversation and ask him about stuff in his life. This went on for a solid month or two. However, when we would see each other on Saturdays at shul, he would hardly talk to me, but he would be always fairly close by, at least within sight of me. One day, he texted me asking if I liked him. Now knowing how this worked from four years prior, I said, "I suppose so". Our conversations got more frequent, which I did not know was possible because it was a 24/7 thing anyway, but he found a way to text me more and with increasingly more uncomfortable texts. They weren't dirty, but just not conversations that I would normally have with girls much less some guy at shul! After another month of texting and the awkward encounters at shul, he asked me again if I liked him because he "hated" my ambiguous answer. Ya, he said that (in a text). Now, if you are a guy out there, DO NOT do this when asking a girl out or about her "feelings". Currently slightly aggravated, but masking the anger, I replied that I did not know. This did not stop this pressure he was putting on me, it just made it worse. After a day or so I finally answered him and told him about my best friend and why I would not and could not answer him. This led to nearly six months of awkwardness in a very small congregation (and our moms had a fight or two along the way, not about us, but it was weird)... At the end of this spell, he asked me to prom! What? We were hardly able to stand being in the same room because I was ashamed of some of the stuff he had said to me and I don't know what his deal was, but he asked me to prom just up and out of the blue. But I went and it was so weird. Just the two of us at dinner, he did not introduce me to any of his friends I just stood there with him as he talked. Then he wouldn't stay with his friends, he kept making sure it was just the two of us dancing, or talking or whatever. But he didn't talk much. Oh goodness, I was not super thrilled. I was glad to go and see what prom was about, but I will never go to anything like that again unless I am with a big group of friends or with my husband. Period.

Note to guys: DO NOT text girls if you are trying to pursue them in a dating relations ship!!! There is a saying, do not text a girls heart. Ya, don't do it. If you want to date a girl, do all the cute stuff we love. Hang out with us, get to know who we are and what we like to do, share about yourself, build a friendship with us and be awkward (don't try to be awkward, just let it happen because it is bound to happen, but we adore you for it!). Think of creative ways to celebrate our birthdays and allow us to show you ourselves with our friends present too. We want friendships with our future husbands and that is the reason for dating right? If, by the time you are our friend, you then begin to share your "feeling" and good intentions, and if you live the way we would like our husband to live, then there is a good chance you will have yourself the start of a beautiful relationship that could last the rest of your life with her. But be present in life, not just on the phone. (Being with us in person also allows for the pheromones to actually work and for you to see our dilated pupils and our blushing! Trust me, it is worth it to see her attracted to you.)

Note to girls: if a guy is carrying on a "clean" conversation with you in text or in person, but you are not comfortable with the content, do not be afraid to change the subject. If he still persists, he may need a clearer message and you should ask him to not talk about you or to you in such a manner. I wish I would have done this because you are not just protecting yourself, you are also allowing him to learn how to treat the next girl he may have a crush on. Help your sisters out and let's learn to respect and teach respect to each other (this goes for guys too).

My goodness, this is a long post, but I think it is important information that I was never taught but I think everyone needs to know these things. So please forgive me for my soapbox speech, but there may be more to come.

My thanksgiving for the day! I am thankful for the new friends I have made since moving out of my previous dorm room. I now have to be more self-reliant and I have to search people out more also because I am all alone in this room. That means no one to go to meals with, unless I text or plan with others. However, I have made some great, true friends that are helping this transition to be much easier. I am so blessed to have gotten a new room and so many friends surrounding me, supporting me and encouraging me through school and this new difficulty of dealing with upset former roommates. G-d has given me new people's company to enjoy, and also new people to impress with Yeshua's (Jesus') love. I am one very blessed girl!

RA Position?

Now that the school year is a little over half way over, there are RA positions open! I think it would be fun to be an RA (Resident Assistant) and it is also a great "scholarship" in a way because I wouldn't have to pay for housing. That means it over a $10,000 job position. Ya, when I realized that my jaw dropped too.

Are any of you RA's? What advice do you have for me? Is the position worth it? Next year I will be in the nursing program, L-rd willing. In addition to that, I will still be a CNA but I will likely keep my PRN position so I can work a max of 2 days a week (8 hr. shifts). Will there be too much on my plate or should I go for it?

Any input is greatly appreciated!

On My Own

Nights one and two in my new room were a success! I "confronted" (really just talked to) my former suite mates about the issues we were having before I moved out. Then at the end of that conversation I told them I was moving out that night. I think they were shocked.  Directly after I told them, I started packing and took a load up to my new room. When I got back, all three of them were standing around talking. It was one of those moments I knew they were talking about what I had just unloaded on them, but I didn't care. I was so stinkin' happy! So I did a couple more loads and one roommate comes over to me as I was packing and asked for the keys to my room. (Now, I am living on campus and had my own separate bedroom in a suite of four people and we shared the bathroom. Therefore I had keys and could lock my room door even when I was gone.) Turns out they don't care I left, they just want the extra bed for when one of the girls' boyfriends come over to spend the night! I think it is rather funny. You know how in movies the parents make great plans for the kid's room once they leave for college? Ya, they started making plans the second I told them I was leaving! They wanted it for storage and a guest bedroom. I am just glad they did not get angry and start yelling at me or crying or something. I don't deal with peers or adults crying very well, unless they are sick, or hurt or something (not just because they are angry and want me to feel bad).

This brings me to my thanksgiving. I am extremely thankful that I can now study without earplugs (my external auditory canals were beginning to become inflamed. Sorry about the sudden anatomy and phys language, I just took the test about ears last night). I am grateful for my own bathroom so I do not have to wake up ridiculously early just to get a shower because they only plan around their schedule. Now I can live on MY own schedule!!! I have peace and quiet, and study time and more room. (Please forgive the possible sentence faux pas that I think is there, but not entirely sure about.) G-d even blessed me with a huge window, a big room and a really nice view. Normally, to get a room all alone like mine, there are not many big windows, and they are usually all taken. But Ad-nai blessed me with my choice of the room and with more than I had even expected. If you are going through struggles or need something, ask G-d for it. Tell Him exactly what you want. If it is in His will for you, you will get it. It may take longer than you thought it would. (For me it seems that whenever I need something, He waits until the last minute for it to become available. But through that, I know it is nothing I did, only what He is doing.) And, as time goes by your desires will better match what His will for you is. I have this thought/theory about how G-d answers prayers. He obviously knows what all will happen throughout time. He also knows everything about us, even what we will pray. I think he plants desires (not every desire, but quite a few of them that are parallel to what His Word says about what is right and such). When we realize or receive this desire, we then start asking Him for what we want/need. Then, He answers the prayers and petitions that we have brought to Him for this thing that we were asking for. As we see prayers answered, our faith grows tremendously. I don't know if this is a true theory, but I believe it is a "G-d thought" and I have seen Him work through this process time and time again throughout my life.

Moving On!

So I got approved for my dorm room change today! That means I can move out of my toxic living environment, into one of peace and solitude (only by choice). My praise today is the fact that I got approved for the room that I wanted, my first choice in fact. Now I just have to inform my roommates of me moving out. Then just get through the next 3.5 years where they will likely be in the nursing program, and therefore ALL of my classes from here on out... Oh, how I will need strength, grace and love in these next years! L-rd willing that I get into the nursing program at this university. I have heard it is one of the top nursing programs in the state and even in the country!

Let's Get Personal

I am a very quiet, private person. I love to listen and when you tell me something it remains confidential, even if what you tell me is just a personal opinion about your future wedding or something. I will keep this information confidential. While I enjoy listening to others talk, I do not talk much myself when I get the chance. I do not tell many people about my past and there are only a handful of people that have even a glimpse of how I used to be. It was bad. So, let's delve into my past shall we?

As I have said before, I grew up in church. I even when to a Christian school through fourth grade. Now, I was never really accepted, anywhere. No big deal, I just had a bunch of people I talked to, but no real friends. The people I did get close to, and they called me their "best friend", often ended up calling me fat or putting me down in various other ways. Let me tell you, I was chunky. But does that give a friend the right to compare her body to my body in the mirror, in front of fellow classmates (girls and boys!) and tell me I am fat? Does that give my so called friends the right to criticize my nose, or my figure in any way? Does that give my fourth grade teacher the right to point out that some people have "weight problems" and that she "has never been overweight in her life"? While I may have been chunky, I was in the healthy weight range for my age according to my doctor. Needless to say, I have had difficulties with people because those that are constant takers tend to latch onto me. They still do, I just know my boundaries now so they don't stick around too long.

So I grew up with all sorts of self esteem, friendship and personal issues. This lead me to be grateful to anyone willing to hang out with me. So I found K and M (I am only using their first initial to keep their privacy.) This was a huge mistake. K did a lot of crazy things. She got pregnant freshman year of high school and got an abortion, did a bunch of pranks, sneaking out at night. Just think of it, and there is a good chance she did it. M was an only child and K's best friend since forever ago. They grew up together. K was the leader and M did whatever K did. Somehow I got mixed up in the middle of this duo, creating an unstable trio. If one person was upset with someone, the trio became a duo and that happened a lot. With K, I started hating church even more than I already had. My mom still required me to go every sunday and wednesday, but I was miserable and she knew it. She just didn't know why. My youth pastor would ask what was wrong and I would say nothing. I began cursing, developing a worse depression and became suicidal.

I took part in a bunch of self-harm. I still have scars from scratching myself. I began taking tons of aspirin, ibuprofen and anything else that I could find in our medicine cabinet. At one point, I would take 40-50 pills right after school. While I was suicidal, I could never convince myself to do anything. G-d was protecting me. He never allowed me to get sick or be hospitalized. The worse thing that would happen is I would sleep for about 14-16 hours every night. From the time I got home until I had to get up for school, I just slept.

After several months of this, my mom sent me to youth camp with my church group. I rededicated my life to Yeshua, though I called Him Jesus at the time. I got baptized for the first time once I got back home that summer.  I was about 13 or 14. Ever since then, I still battle with depression, but it is never as bad as it was that year. I talk more with my parents about my struggles instead of keeping everything bottled up and I am wiser about who I hang out around. I am also wiser about how I let them treat me.

Now that you know some of my awful secrets, let me tell you what I am grateful for today. I am grateful that G-d did not give up on me, because He doesn't give up on us. I am so very thankful that the worst thing He allowed to happen to me through all of the suicide attempts, was I only fell asleep. G-d is merciful and gracious and I am so very thankful He protects me and gives me His Shalom!

Homesick

For all of you that have ever been away from home, I'm sure you know what homesickness is. It's brutal! I just got back to my dorm today from spending the weekend with my family, but I cannot seem to get over this overwhelming sense of sadness that I am not with them. It seems so strange that I used to live at home all of the time, and now I hardly get to be with my family. I am very blessed that my university is only an hour away, but I still miss my family greatly. I would love to sleep at home all the time, have my mom's cooking and still be getting the same education at this college. Unfortunately, that is just not how it works. This raises the question: How am I supposed to grow up and move out? How am I supposed to get married? Leaving my family seems like I am abandoning them or something. They spend so much of their life caring for me, then I just up and leave? That doesn't seem right. I know they did it, and almost everyone in history has had to do that at some point, but I cannot wrap my head around this. It makes my heart hurt and then brings back my depression for a good few days.

Today, I am so very grateful to have such a loving family. One that I cannot separate myself from. My parents both had abusive families, but Ad-nai has blessed me so greatly with such amazing parents and a great brother (even though he is awfully ornery lately). My parents have supported me all my life, always looking out for what's best for me. (I can't even see what I'm typing right now through this blurry mess. I used to not cry very much, but it seems that between the huge amount of stress I encounter on a daily basis, and my homesickness, all I ever do is call my mom on the edge of tears. This brings another problem because I try to pretend I am not crying in order to avoid worrying her, but I think she knows...) G-d has even blessed me with pseudo extended family. My dad's father passed away when I was young (I had only met him a few times.) But G-d always provides someone else to step into that role. We do not talk at all to my mom's parents, but still I have even more pseudo grandparents. This is true for aunt, uncles, cousins and beyond! Plus, the one biological grandparent we do talk to, my Mema (dad's mom), is absolutely amazing! I could go on and on about her. She is a NICU nurse, so very kind, and I am the spittin' image of her (with brown hair, instead of blonde). I believe family is one of the biggest blessings G-d gives to us, whether they are our family by blood or not.

Refused the Flu Shot

So I already posted today, but I keep meaning to write about this... and then I forget.

Anyway, I refused the flu shot. Yes, I do work in healthcare. Yes, I do work at an elderly care facility. I get to wear a lovely mask that reduces my oxygen levels by about fifty percent (probably more like five percent, but still!). Does anyone else stand with me on this issue? I do not believe they should have the right to force me to get a shot. This is my health, my body and my life! I thought the whole point of a flu shot was to protect those who get it, so why then must I get one in order to protect the residents if the residents get their for protection? I do not want to put anyone in danger, especially not myself, but I do not agree with their demands or claims. People, if you agree that they should not be able to require this of us, stand with me! I had a job offer taken back just because I am unable to get the shot. I have had several employees come up to me and ask me why I am wearing a mask. When I tell them I am unable to get the flu shot because of religious reasons, they tell me they wish they could have refused the shot. To tell you the truth, they likely could have. I do not believe G-d wants me to have the vaccine, that is why He created our bodies with the ability to produce antibodies. We are made to become stronger from illnesses in order to fight it off the next time it comes around.

So, if you believe as I do, that we should be able to decide whether we want vaccines (without getting strong armed), please stand with the rest of us that are unable/unwilling to receive this vaccine. Wear the mask, fill out the paperwork and let's start standing up for our health by trusting the Creator and how He designed our bodies. If enough of us (CNA's, nurses, doctors, admin employees, EVERYONE), stood up to unnecessary "requirement", we could get it overturned. Hospitals cannot allow half of their CNA's, nurses, doctors or any number of employees go or be on suspension because there are already such great shortages. Fight with us, do not allow this to become common place. Fight for your beliefs and rights!

Peace

After a couple months last semester, and several weeks this semester of roommate drama, G-d has given me peace. It's this peace that surpasses understanding, just like the verse says. I know these problems are far from over, but He gave me joy in the storm. Even though I cannot yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, He has still provided me with a firm place to stand, happiness and a breath of fresh air. Today, I am grateful for the calming presence of the L-rd in my life. He is my rock, my life and my absolute love. He is all I need. Every time I have heartache, He brings me back to this point of realizing He is all I need. Once I finally realize this, He provides me with this weightless feeling. He envelopes me in love and gives me His shalom.

Ahhh, now that that is off my chest and I have shared my piece of life I am thankful for today, let's talk about nursing school. Technically it is pre-nursing school... but nobody is going to say that every time they talk about their college career. Right now, I am taking intro to organic chem, anatomy and phys 2, english and psych. I love these classes! I adore my english teacher and that makes me like the class. Normally, I despise english because I do not understand it. It is my first language, but I cannot understand what makes writing good. It's fuzzy logic for me. My strong suits have always been science and math. So the fact that I have 3 sciences this semester, makes life a lot easier. So, as of yet, school is enjoyable. I will update next week after my two anatomy tests in one week. And then again the following week after my chem and psych tests are done. Seem like a ton of tests? Ya, it is. But G-d will get me through, He always does!

HESI-A2

Ahhhh! The HESI is starting to be a major topic of conversation for us pre-nursing students. I have heard some people do not start studying until a couple weeks before the test, others start at spring break and still others begin over winter break. I , on the other hand, will likely begin studying just before spring break and go over the information a couple of times. I bought three books and I am thinking of getting a fourth because it looks pretty handy. Have any of you taken the HESI-A2 yet? Are you planning on taking it in the future? What books are the best?

Today, I am thankful for my independence. I have been blessed with a job, I have been blessed with a car and I have been super blessed with parents that have taught me how to take care of everything myself. While it is difficult paying for grown-up life, I am so very glad that I have this opportunity to be able to handle my own bills, live my own life and be "on my own"... in most ways. G-d taught me, through my parents, how to save to buy my own car, computer and a variety of other things. But I learned how to save and handle my own finances. Now, I am working my way through college, racking up a bit of debt, but not nearly as much as I could be. I am grateful for the independence and freedom that this country stands for and for the people who put their lives on the line every day in order to maintain this sense of freedom for us. G-d has surely blessed us all.

Positivity

So, this blog is about nursing school. Inevitably, there will be some complaining, some rantings, ravings and negative comments about life in general. However, we are not called to be negative creatures. G-d wants us to be grateful for the many blessings and acts He does for us. So, I would like to try something new. I am going to try to start naming at least one thing in life that I am grateful for in each post. It is usually random things, but still things I thank G-d for when I am talking with Him. By doing this though, I hope I can help you, the reader, start to notice more of the little miracles or loving acts that G-d puts in your life. In the past, I was super negative and it seems that that comes through in the writing more than I would like it to. That is likely because these negative things are on my heart when they really should not be. Also, when I started doing this a few years ago, I noticed my outlook on life became more positive and now every little blessing is so much more obvious and clear to me.

Today, I am grateful for the many trials I have had to endure. This may seem negative at first, but I assure you I am truly grateful to have learned what I already have learned about myself and others. These lessons make today's trials so much more manageable! Due to these problems and the lessons I have learned, I can now have Shalom, peace, in the midst of this storm. They also show G-d loves me and us so very much. He allows us to go through struggles in order to kick out the bad and evil habits that we form. He is shaping us into who we need to be in order to meet Him. I am so very excited for that day when I can stand before Ad-nai and Yeshua and basque in their presence. This life is not for us. This life is to prepare us for forever, for G-d's presence and also to fulfill G-d's ultimate plans.

He also gave us a beautiful day. For February, when it should be snowing and gloomy, we have short-sleeve weather, sunshine and a gorgeous view of hand-shaped mountains covered in snow. "This is the day that the L-rd has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!"

LPN?

So lately, I have been talking to some of the LPN's at work about getting my certification. I have heard that after my second or third year of nursing school (when I am a sophomore or junior), I may be able to sit for the LPN exam. Has anyone tried this or done anymore research on this subject?

Speaking of work, does anyone know when the "full moon effect" stops acting on residents? Hopefully you read my post a few days ago about my insane day at work. Well, it has not settled down. Thankfully, my first two weeks just happened to be when the residents were all ridiculously calm. But now it seems like everything is going wrong, in the crazy way, and not just at work. I will explain more someday, but right now I do not believe I have the proper mindset to fully explain the situation as unbiasedly as I can (even though I am in the middle of the whole situation). Needless to say, I am hoping to move out into another dorm room. This seems to have happened to a lot of people in dorms across the world. There are just so many personalities and there cannot be too many big, differing personalities in the same vicinity 24/7. I do not even have a big personality, but I still cannot handle this situation.

These are times when I am frustrated at life, but also very glad for Ad-nai. I know that even though this seems like a really bad season for me, but I am able to feel. While I am walking around "blind" (of my life purpose), I am not walking around in autopilot. Even though I hurt most days, I know G-d is working on me. It reminds me of that verse that says something like: A father disciplines the son(s) he loves. I may be getting disciplined or I may just be going through growing pains. Either way, G-d lets me go through enough to grow and become stronger while not letting me break. He is absolutely AMAZING! This is one of those really real moments where after the current struggle is through, the love of G-d is a giddy, new boyfriend/girlfriend type of love and infatuation. This is the type of relationship that gets me excited and unable to contain my joy, even in the midst of such sorrow and pain. So, whether I am to be an LPN or not, He will decide and direct my path. Whether I am to be a nurse, midwife, actual wife, a mother or any variety of life roles, only He will decide and direct my path. I walk this life blind for the most part, but one thing I do know is: My life is for G-d. Whatever I do I need to love G-d with all of my heart, soul, strength and might. Also, in doing so, I need to love my neighbor as myself. This is how we walk out life in this dark, dark world.