Try Not To Cry

For my final post of the night (hopefully), I wanted to share one last video. This beautiful video is about one couple's marriage and about their love for each other. It made me sob because marriage today does not seem to happen like this anymore, or at least we don't hear about it. This is how I imagine G-d's love for us is on some level (though His love is so vast no one can ever understand it). This is what I desire for my marriage to be like and I pray that if G-d has prepared a husband for me, that we are able to love like these two loved each other.

Have tissues handy. Do not watch after fresh application of make-up. Make sure that you didn't have any other human interactions planned for the day. Hold on tight because this video is so sweet and simple, but very deep at the same time.

Are you ready?

Watch it here.

This video has blessed me and it has been an answer to my prayers asking G-d what the meaning of marriage is.

Who You Are: A Message To All Women

The title of this post is the title of a video that has been plastered all over my Facebook feed. It is a video about who G-d says you are in His Word. On days when you don't know who you are or when you don't feel like enough, watch this video. Actually, watch it now. Then bookmark it. Then save the link on your desktop so that you can remember to watch it when you think you can't possibly make it and when those lies are popping into your head saying that you aren't pretty/smart/funny/etc.

Trust me on this and listen to what G-d says about you.

Seriously, watch it.

MTV's "Scrubbing In"

I have not personally seen this show because I do not have cable. However, several people are saying that it is highly offensive to nurses and it is perpetuating a negative stereotype of the profession. So, I advise watching the show whether it is on t.v. or on the internet somehow in order to make your own about the show. If you find that it is offensive to nurses, please, sign this petition to get the show cancelled. If not, then don't worry about it. :)

I believe in taking a stand for what you believe in but I also believe that everyone should make their own informed decisions. I also believe that nurses deserve respect because they do so much that is behind the scenes, nobody can possibly understand all that they do for their patients.

Pretty Friends

Do any of you have really, really, really pretty friends? It seems like I've always had gorgeous friends, and I'm all like, "I'm maybe a 3-4 in a scale of 10..."

I know that G-d makes us all beautiful and that true beauty comes from the inside. Yada, yada, yada (that's Jewish!)

1 Peter 3:3-4  "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Psalm 139:14 "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

1 Peter 3:4 "But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

etc...

Still, I am constantly finding these gorgeous friends that could, and probably should, be models and these verses don't seem to help me. They also usually have really cute boyfriends. Currently, I have a super pretty friend who decided to be the nurse from the "Time Square Kiss" for Halloween and her boyfriend dressed as the sailor guy from that photo. They are so cute in their picture it's enough to make you sick, really. They are so stinkin' adorable! If I weren't trying to be anonymous, I would post their picture (with her permission, of course.) So, here is a picture of the actual "Time Square Kiss".

 Yes, they were more adorable than this photo and yes, they took a picture just like this one.

Does anyone else ever have friends that are just ridiculously beautiful, and hilarious, and generally out of your "friend league"? It seems like all of my friends are and it makes me slightly uncomfortable because I show up to class like...

...and that's on a good day (minus the dog, of course)!

I have just discovered the beauty of putting pictures in my posts and I really like the "..." thing.

Daily Thanksgiving: We didn't find any heart murmurs or abnormal heart sounds in me today, so that was good. I discovered that I can put pictures into my posts! The day is over. I have friends.

Mean Joke

Last night, I was sitting on the couch, minding my own business and studying. All of a sudden, my mouse started moving strangely. I would move it, then it would jump from where I needed it. Checking to see that I wasn't touching the mouse area anywhere else, I started to get flushed in the face and freaked out a little bit. I thought there was a demon in my computer (seeing as it's so close to Halloween).

It turns out my brother just figured out how to hack my computer...

I nearly had a heart attack. Also, every time I hear or say heart attack, I think myocardial infarction (which is another name for heart attack) and half the time I say that instead of heart attack. It's really an issue because I'm starting to say all of the medical terms for simple diseases and conditions and nobody outside of my nursing school friends understand me anymore.

I had a soy mocha with a double shot of espresso and then downed a cranberry Red bull and my thoughts are going really fast. This, too, is an issue. Hopefully it will help me study for my pharm test that I have this week.

Call-offs

Today we had a no-call, no show. Guess who it was! Ya, it was the girl that was supposed to be my partner. Praise the L-rd that the night shift girl had all pts up, except for 4-5 that I helped get up. I also got to work with one of the nicest, fastest girls that we have, so that made the day better.

For all of you, whether you are in the medical field or not, do you have people that insist on treating you like you have no clue of what's going on? I understand when people are giving me advice, tips, and letting me know what I missed. However, there are always nurses that talk to me like I have no idea what's going on and it makes me a little upset. It makes me think that I'm incompetent or something, because they correct my every move and jump in to take care of my residents even though I could have totally handled it. I am also quite tired of people calling off because they tend to not be sick, they just didn't want to come in or they forgot. I know, sometimes people really do mess up and forget to come in, or the schedule is messed up, or they get sick. I get that. But last night we had 4 call off's. Folks, our facility has a maximum of 10 cna's at any one given time during the day or evening shift so to have 4 call-offs is crazy because we are missing half of our staff.

So, before you call in "sick" to work, 1) make sure that you're really sick, contagious, and darn near incapable of any level of functioning due to some bacterial or viral invader. 2) if you aren't really sick, make sure that your unwillingness to come in isn't going to cause any undue stress on your fellow employees because the truth will come out and it will spread among us faster than wildfire. I don't know how info spreads so fast when none of the cna's really work with each other, but there is a ridiculous amount of knowledge/rumors spread through minimal contact between the employees. 3) don't be suprised when you have a terrible day because someone decides to call off and leave you alone with 16 residents that require 24/7 attention. It's brutal and a very cruel punishment.

That's all the venting I have about work. I put in my "2 months" unofficial notice and applied to over 10 jobs with the nearby hospitals. The more I go to my current CNA job, the less I am able to tolerate all of the residents, the families, and the nurses yelling at me constantly. Nobody seems to realize that they can do the simple things they ask me to do. Nor do they realize that I am one person, who is bottom of the food chain, and I am responsible for 16 other people at any given time. I don't get paid enough for the abuse inflicted upon me by residents, let alone the families and management.

Halloween is quickly approaching. With it comes the couples costumes, scary shows, horror films, and evil looking decorations and masks. I don't tolerate this season well, especially now that I am an adult. I thought it would have gotten easier with time, but no...

Daily Thanksgiving: Work is done for today and I only have one more shift next week before two weeks off. I am actually studying... a week before my pharm test instead of the day before or the day of! I'm praying that G-d let's the info get soaked into my brain so that I can get an A because I'm putting a lot of work into studying this time (besides the little break I'm taking to write this.) Today without country music was easier. I have my days, but today was a better day breaking that addiction. I get to go to bed soon and I don't have to be a CNA tomorrow!

Good night y'all. Ttyl. I hope you sleep well and I hope life is going well. If not, praise G-d and learn from it. If it is, praise G-d and enjoy the peace because, let's face it, peace hardly lasts for long in this life. :)

Not much happenin'

I bought Pitch Perfect. If you haven't seen it, definitely consider watching it because I find it hilarious! Especially the really quiet girl because she always says the funniest things. My favorite is when she says, "I set fires to feel joy," to a boy and he says, "that's adorable!" I love that part because I like fire and everyone always looks at me weird when I say that. I like controlled fires and not destructive fire so candles and bonfires.

Unfortunately, there is a love story tied into the main storyline... The guy is pretty darn cute and the girl that he is diggin' is really pretty and she looks just like one of my friends. In fact, she likes music and works in the radio station just like my friend! It's wild.

Last night my parents called to talk to my brother and I. For some reason, I found myself confessing to my mom that I need more friends, hopefully people that are more like me yet not in the nursing program. Before that confession, I didn't even really realize that I needed more friends. However, I was home, on a Friday night, by 7:45 p.m. Guys, I'm doing college wrong because I don't even get invited out and I have no one to invite out so that we can do things together. My mom told me to go join a club or two. 1) I'm pretty lame for being a sophomore and having to ask my mom how to make friends... 2) I don't have the time between two jobs, time that I try to study, and class times. 3) I don't really have any skills, talents, or real hobbies that have been turned into clubs. So, that's cool. Any ideas?

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go to church today and we had baptisms! I work tomorrow and next week Sunday and then I have the chance to not sign up for more shifts so I can take a break from that job because I dread going into work now. My friend suggested a new way to study for pharm that may very well help me! I really hope that it helps me because I do not want to flunk out of nursing school, nor do I want to have to take this class again because that would be highly unfortunate. My hair is curly! It's always been kinda curly, but it's a weird curl. Recently, I found Herbal Essence's curling moose and gel. Ya, it works. I love my curly hair and I've gotten so many compliments. I finally purchased Pitch Perfect. I'm able to hear from G-d again.  I was walking away from Him, which is probably what was causing much of my depression, because He has always been my go-to. Over the past few months, I've become more dependent on myself instead of relying on Him and so I lost His voice (usually consisting of Him bringing up topics in my life and giving me scriptures that allow me to "see" what He wants me to know from Him.) So, I've recently gotten His voice back, slowly but surely. I keep getting verses that are concerning, but L-rd willing, He will reveal what He means so that I'm not here freaking out. I'm really hoping that it isn't bad like it seems like they are...

Meanwhile, boys are becoming more attractive and I'm becoming increasingly concerned. Girls, I don't know how you handle this because I'm getting more and more distracted and I find myself daydreaming and glimpsing at cute guys all day. Is it because I'm surrounded by girls constantly? Is it because my brain is finally maturing to the level that everyone else my age is already at?

Guys, I have been studying you for sometime. Recently, this question popped into my head: What makes you like a girl in the first place? It seems like many guys go after girls that are pretty and typically at their "level" of attractiveness. After they find a pretty girl, then they start to pursue her and get to know her. Sometimes they go after friends but that seems to happen after they have been rejected by several other girls that they have unsuccessfully tried to pursue. Can any guys out there explain some of this to me? If you are willing to enlighten me on this matter, you can private message/email me and I would so appreciate it!

An "Off" Kind of Day

You ever have those days where something or everything is just "off?" I seem to have those days more and more, but today is getting to me.

I called my mom to talk to her, but couldn't find the words to talk to her about what is on my mind because it's just something there but not really describable. I have this desire to talk to her but I don't know about what. Then I get sad and start crying for no reason. 2 seconds later I'm frustrated over nothing. Eventually I get productive. Typically, sleep comes next. Then my day is done and it's time to start a new one.

I know I talk a lot about this kinda stuff, but I'm still just processing thoughts and I get more into words when I can type. It just so happens that I don't trust people enough to keep all the typed things on my computer, so I put it on the World Wide Web for everyone to view... Doesn't make sense.

I dropped another $13 at Village Inn at breakfast with my classmates. It was nice, then it turned into a gossiping/bashing fest. Unfortunately, I didn't have the guts to stand up for anyone. That needs to change. Even though I didn't take part in the bashing/gossiping, it's just as bad for me to bear witness to it and not stop it.

So that happened.

Then I spent $45 on music, for no reason. It is worship music, because I'm breaking my habit of country music and it's not going well. Still, I don't have the money to be spending like this!

Got a 71% on my patho exam from Monday. Passing is 74%. Sorta self explanatory, huh?

Frustrations of Rooming with Your Brother

This year, while at college, my brother and I decided to live in an apartment together. Wise idea? It seemed like it at the time, but it's turning out to be more difficult than I expected. We are constantly "stepping on each other's toes" because he is trying to figure out how to be an adult living on his own (away from parents) while I am further maturing from my year alone last year. Needless to say, he thinks I'm bossy and I find him to be showing signs of a VERY immature prefrontal cortex. He thinks he needs a motorcycle, he assumes that I don't need to be picked up at a certain time, he makes me late for class, he wouldn't listen to me about getting a schedule that is more condusive to my schedule because we are sharing a parking pass, and he is quite certain that he is right about everything and calls me condescending a lot. Yes, I have days where I think I'm right all the time, but it's because I am right. ;) If I'm wrong then I admit to it.

What brought this rage on today? I got to wait outside for him for over an hour even though I only have an hour to go home, eat a little something, then come back to school for BHA lab after grabbing my equipment and changing. What did he decide to do today? Go to the mall. He works there, so he went to go talk to his manager, but it's 20 minutes away (when there is no traffic). He texted me, during class, asking when I get out. I told him 12.

At 12:07, I get a text asking, "So you're going to the library to study right?" Where did he ever get that from?! I never told him that and he admitted  that I never told him that. I told him I needed to be picked up and he said he would be right there.

At 12:31 he texts me saying that he is just now leaving. Ya, I thought he already had. Remaining calm, I text him "ok." 12:56 he pulls up. I jump in and he says a quick, insincere sorry, and we rush off towards home.

1:07 I get into class. I'm late but today the instructor wasn't in lab because we were doing our midterms so she was in the sim lab with students. I was livid and flustered all during lab because of that nonsense. I didn't yell at him, though I wanted to. He asked if I was mad because I'm hardly ever stone-cold quiet, especially when I'm mad, but I just said, "Let's talk about it after I get home from class." That scared him. He said that made him nervous and it made the whole situation worse, I'm assuming it made him just feel worse because it didn't make him angry. Goal accomplished with that!

I think doing this quiet thing when I'm mad is going to be my new thing. I don't smile at jokes, I use short and bland responses, and I make the other person wait several hours for me to "cool off" before we discuss what happened and how to fix it. Sometimes it's just nice to scare someone so that they think twice before doing stupid things again. Yep, this will be my new thing.

Also, I got 100% on my midterm for BHA! Unfortunately, it only goes into the gradebook as a pass/fail... But it's nice to finally get a good grade (my first and likely last) in nursing school. I was so happy I almost hugged my professor. She probably would have been alright with that, but we stuck with a high-five instead. I think I'll frame it and possibly post a pic later.

While I was in the sim lab doing my midterm, my classmates took a hilarious photo of one of them giving birth!!! Gosh, I'm so sad I missed it because 1) it's hilarious, 2) I want a picture in my whites because I think they are adorable, 3) I just want to have fun but I always seem to miss it! Oh well, maybe another time?

Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't yell at my brother and I discovered a more effective way to scare him and get my point across. I got to wear my whites! I got 100% on something in nursing school. I made it through another day which is all I can hope for anymore. I got to go to the mall with my friend.

In other news, I don't think the St. John's Wort is helping or working. My overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, helplessness, and desire to quit everything and climb into a hole are slightly better, but it's still a battle every day. Maybe I'm getting burnt out? I don't know.

I went to the mall with my friend over the weekend to get our make-up done and to spend some time with her. It was nice to finally be able to talk to someone and tell them this new thing with me actually finding guys attractive and to be able to vent about how inconvenient it is. That didn't seem to help because then we just started talking about dream dates, what we think we need/want in guys, and how our past crushes didn't fit that. Also, I talked her through a friend break up. This is a bit of a long story, but this girl friend is the one who I was super close with last year. She and I were really close with the two guy friends (one of them liked me and she was crushing on the other one pretty hard.) So, she and the guy that liked me would talk about me and the guy she liked. Does this make sense so far? Anyway, the guys decided that they didn't want to hang out with her anymore recently, because they are being silly. So, she was trying to get to the bottom of it. They were being frightfully rude and hurtful, and the two guys "friend broke-up" with my girl friend. I am still friends with all three. Still, friend drama stresses me out like nobody's business!!!

I decided retail therapy would help me so I went and dropped $100 at Target getting things I "needed" and then buyer's remorse hit me like a semi when I walked in my door. Typical me. I need a stress outlet because I keep making foolish decisions and I'm constantly overwhelmed...

C'est la vie, non?

Middle-of-Semester Blahs

What a drag the middle of the semester is. Between midterms, projects, and tired teachers, I'm fried. Plus we are having super cold weather here and the sun seems to be always hiding whether I get up before sunrise or go to bed far after it sets. I need some vitamin D!

An interesting thing happened today. Keep in mind that I fight the flu vaccine like nobody's business, except for this year and the next two years due to clinicals. I still want to fight it but I'm not willing to get kicked out of nursing school. So, they have me up against a rock and a hard place and I'm letting them bully me. I'm disappointing myself. Anywho, the manager of my CNA job sent us an article that stated that vaccines are bad and should not be taken because of the aluminum and mercury in them!!! *facepalm* This is the same lady that gets all up in my grill for refusing vaccines on religious grounds. I read this email while at my library IT job and I almost started screaming and punching walls. I texted my mom about it and later called her because this is nonsense. People, if you are in management and you are enforcing something as controversial as flu shots, use some common sense and don't send out an article saying that they are bad. Duh! Man alive, I'm still rialed up about it. That may or may not have been exacerbated by the double espresso mocha coffee I had earlier and the Red Bull I just downed... Doesn't matter though. Yes, I know I get to be a bit much when I get frustrated but I hate when people try to shove something on you and then take it back or provide you with reasons why you shouldn't have done it. Generally I just dislike people telling me what to do if they aren't G-d Himself.

I suppose I'm a bit of a hothead and I need to just calm down and respect those in charge like the Bible says to do. We aren't supposed to roll over and just take what the leaders say though! We can fight and ask them why they want us to do stuff. My goodness, I am just having a hard time coping with this one. I'll post the article later...

What would you do, or what do you do, when your managers/leaders do stuff like this? Do you just suck it up and not think much about it? Do you ask them why they released an article like that for us to read if it contradicts what thy say to us? Do you get angry? Does it even matter?

I'm a fighter. When someone is pushing something on me I won't just take it. I want to know why, how, when, and anything else about it before I accept the change. Even then I am resistant to it. Maybe that's just because I like for things to stay the same all the time. Perhaps it's because I've been burnt far too many times to count by people that were supposed to have my best interest in mind and by people I thought I could trust.

That was my day... How was yours?

Daily Thanksgiving: The teacher that most of the people in my class doesn't like 1) is kind to me, 2) knows my name, 3) has extended grace to me several times. I'm not a teachers pet, but I do talk to her and explain my situation. I like that she knows my name because no teachers ever seem to remember my name, not even when I was in high school. It's likely because I typically don't talk much to teachers or in class, so I'm okay with them not knowing me. However, it's nice to be heard and known sometimes. I am also making loads of friends in the nursing program and I'm starting to remember names!

Want to view my Pinterest life?

I am on Pinterest, as most of you know, and now you can see my fantasy life! I have posts about nursing school, funny memes, different ideas for my wedding, date ideas, and a few other things that have sparked my interest. Take a look if you're into browsing other people's lives, I give you permission to Pinterest stalk me. :)

No Rest for the Weary

Class this morning went well. Nothing really new. I called my brother to come pick me up but his car died so I walked a mile... in flip flops... in snow flurries. I should have worn proper foot wear but I was late and wasn't expecting my extra little trek, nor was I expecting SNOW this early in the month! Got home, changed for lab and ate a little lunch. Go to lab, practice my assessment midterm. I don't think I did great even though my teacher said I did "perfect." She's nice, I like her. Mannequins, not so much, especially when they talk and I cannot find either radial pulse or the blood pressure sounds. I promise I know how to take blood pressure! Get home, drink a large cup of coffee with delicious creamer, eat some early dinner, and get to studying for the test due tonight. While my computer was turning on, I decided to lay down and wrap up in a blanket because I've been frozen since I got up this morning. 2 hours later I wake up slightly disoriented. Apparently my brother came in while I was asleep and had a conversation with me where I was slightly grouchy with him for turning on the lights. I remember about 5 seconds of said conversation, but it seemed like a dream. This is an issue. I normally don't sleep walk unless I'm beyond exhausted or extremely stressed out. I am both at this point in time so that explains it. Good thing I didn't sleep walk, I was just sleep talking.

Today was a struggle, but my mood is continually improving. Hopefully this St. John's Wort is working and it's not just a placebo effect that's going to drop off suddenly leaving me in a bigger mess than before. Maybe this boyfriend thing is being perpetuated by my self medication with this herb? Interesting. I doubt it, but I've noticed that when I get less stressed about life and school, I tend to start wanting a boyfriend because I have the notion that I can handle another major time-sucker in my life at the moment. That's probably a bad idea, huh?

I'll keep y'all updated on my status with this SJW supplement. So far I don't seem to have any adverse effects besides the whole boy conundrum.

Daily Thanksgiving: Life sucks and then it's over. Someday nursing school will be done and life will commence! Until that day, G-d is making me stronger even if it doesn't feel like it.

Pinterest Struggles...

It has consumed my time. It has made me dream of my future while also allowing me to show others what I fantasize it will be like. It has also stirred this desire for a beau. Old story with me, I know and I'm sorry.

Does anyone else get like this? I have no prospects, nor do I really know any eligible bachelors, let alone ones that have the same morals and boundaries as me, but I still find myself hoping that G-d will bring me someone... yesterday (aka right now; I never understood that saying until a few years ago but my mom had been using it since I was a little kid!).

I don't understand what's wrong with me! I used to be okay being independent, single, and focused on school. I didn't understand the attraction to boys and I was fine looking and acting like a boy. Now I walk down the halls, minding my own business, and there are cute boys everywhere. Maybe I'm just now hitting puberty? Perhaps G-d really will bring me someone. Maybe I'm just going nuts and should see a professional to get some meds. I don't know. Regardless, this nonsense has got to stop because I am having a rough time focusing on school. It's not really the fault of the general population of males, I guess it's my own fault for finally "seeing" them.

Pinterest has got some cute date ideas though! Also, I fit the country girl description to a T, except for the fact that my country born/raised father raised me up in the city. He still raised me a country girl, but I haven't had the pleasure of knowing everyone in town and being able to go to bonfires with my own friends. Don't get me wrong, I've been to plenty! But my dad is usually the one to start the bonfire party so I was supervised the whole time.

Oy, this is an issue. Life would be so much simpler if: I could just stay a tomboy, focus on school, remain satisfied single, not procrastinate, I had never found Pinterest, and if I could just not "see" silly boys as the handsome guys G-d made you to be...


Side note to guys: Y'all drive us nuts! You can lift 15x more than us girls. Your metabolisms are generally a LOT faster than ours so you can eat just about anything you want. Muscles look way better on you than they do on us. Baseball caps look amazing on you, especially when you're rocking Wranglers or Levi's and some slightly muddy cowboy boots. For some reason you guys know how to fix darn near everything from the washer to the car to the sprinkler system. Your faces look so darn cute with a bit of grease on it. Your sleepy voice, when it's especially deep and a bit scratchy is adorable. When your hair is mussed up it still looks good and I love how when a tall, broad shouldered boy makes me feel small and petite when I'm standin' next to him. Guys, I have heard a lot about how you like the little things us girls do, but the little things you do make us pretty doggone happy too. So, boys, don't underestimate how much we like you and all your male-ness. Let us girls jump in and have some fun too, though. Some of us like fixin' trucks, going muddin', lightin' stuff on fire (it makes my heart happy, but not when it's destructive/bad... just bonfires and stuff), fishin', and shootin'. Also, if you teach us how to watch/play football, you may just have a new football fan to scream at the t.v. with because, let's face it, us girls look pretty darn good in one of your over-sized jerseys.


I better go do my homework and get down on my knees to pray that G-d snap me out of this! It's like the Scotty McCreery song, "The Trouble With Girls," but I am starting to feel the same way about boys... It really seems like my friends already went through this stage in 5th or 6th grade. Here I am, almost 20, just now beginning this inconvenient journey.

Daily Thanksgiving: Today was long, but it was a fairly good day. Perhaps the St. John's Wort is working or maybe it's just a placebo effect. I'm not overly happy, but I'm not down in the dumps. Every day not spent at the bottom makes me think that I can survive and G-d will bring me through because I know He is the only one that can, and He will. I get to go to sleep! Also, I did my hair and my makeup and wore my favorite outfit. My friend said I looked pretty and that made me feel pretty good. I like compliments :)

Better Ending

I had two tests this week: Pharmacology and my Pharm Math midterm.

Pharm: 70% Not great but G-d gave me a better score than I was expecting. I need to bring my average up though to an average above 74% for all tests otherwise I fail the class.

Pharm Math: 82%. This is terrible! It was all easy math and some simple conversion. I labeled my answers when they weren't pre-labeled and I showed all my work. I don't know how I got a B- but I probably just made a bunch of dumb mistakes. Nursing school always catches me off-guard.


I went home to see my parents this weekend. It was really nice to eat a Shabbat dinner with them and we talked for hours! It's amazing how much changes in a month and a half when I am not there to hear about it every night.

I emailed my bosses at my current nursing home job about possibly transferring to the hospital as a CNA. I just got an amazing recommendation letter from one of them and it made me feel really good. Hopefully G-d provides me with a new job that pays better and at a place where I can learn more about actual nursing instead of just the CNA side of it. We'll see.

Pinterest has currently caught most of my attention. Presently I am planning for all sorts of fun things like my perfect dates, cute outfits and make-up for said dates, adorable hairstyles, and my wedding. This is not a good idea. Between Pinterest and country music, I can tell that I am going to bottom out really bad soon. I even started watching love stories because I hope that it will be me. This is completely irrational because love stories are totally made up and that kind of stuff doesn't happen to girls like me. Still, I am finding it difficult to stay away from these things so that I can focus on school and real life. I just want a cowboy boyfriend that has all 573 characteristics that I have written down to love me, and start dating me right now, and then marry me after we're both finished with college. Is that too much to ask? I'm pretty sure my plan is not G-d's plan, but I keep asking Him for it anyway... His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways are higher than my ways. He has a plan for my life which may or may not include a beau or husband, but my sinful heart is desiring a boy. How foolish is that?! Is it just me or do others of you have these kind of silly desires that don't seem to match what G-d wants for you but you can't let go of them? If you can let go of them, how do you?

I need some seriously professional help.

Good news: My Mocha latte is kicking in and I hope to get some homework/studying done today!

Bad news: The guy made it wrong because I asked for it to be made with soy but he used whole milk... I'm lactose intolerant... Boy, I wish my body made the right enzymes so that I can eat the Italian and French food that I'm always craving. My grandparents are Cajun, Italian, French, and a few other things, but most of our bloodlines come from places that use a lot of dairy products. My family is all pretty much okay with everything, except for me. I can't seem to eat anything anymore. h well, it's a good motivator to eat salads, plain chicken, and generally healthy food. Throw in some Chick-fil-a every once in a while and I am set.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go home. I got to see my puppy and my parents. My mother is a fantastic Italian cook and we got so much good food! G-d got us back to our apartment safely despite the crazy drivers, ridiculous amount of construction, and general crazy driving skills I possess. I'm learning how to do my make-up (normally I wear 0 make-up or just cover up when my face is breaking out) and I feel a little bit pretty even though beauty "comes from the inside". I believe that it does, but it's so cliche and sometimes it's good to feel pretty on the outside too. My grades are somewhat decent. I have a clean room! (This makes my brother happier than it makes me, but it's good to have a happy roommate.)
 
Off to do some school work. Have a good rest of your weekend!

Pharmacology Frustrations

Pharmacology is destroying me!  I know that it is a lot of work, but I don't think I can rise to the occasion and survive in this class. I am pretty sure I just got a D on my last test. How am I supposed to memorize every MOA, dosage, side effect, implication, teaching point, drug category, and everything else about every single drug ever created and currently used?

I get into this dangerous mindset of frustration with my teacher because this is her first year teaching and last year's teacher was amazing. Last year, students could use notes and books to do their quizzes and tests. The teacher taught so that the students understood what they needed to know and I have heard that lectures were full of interesting stories to help students remember the drugs.

This year, we get out after an hour (the class is scheduled for three) because our teacher just reads the power points. We are taking quizzes every week that most people report to be failing. Then, her tests seem to come out of nowhere because she is taking the questions from the test banks that come with the book. Maybe it's just because I'm not great at memorizing and I get frustrated when I get bad grades. I know that bad grades are my fault because I should have studied more. Still, I very much dislike that I hear all these great things about pharm last year from my friends who had last year's teacher and now I have to have a teacher who doesn't know what she's doing and so she is asking so much of us that really seems unreasonable.

New teachers are frustrating for me. I had a new A&P teacher last year who said one thing and did another. This year, my Pharm teacher does the same thing. Neither one knows what they are doing when they are teaching the class. Also, one of my teachers that teaches 2 other classes was new last year and is still trying things out. She too says one thing in class and does something entirely different. It doesn't seem like I'm getting the quality education that I am paying for and it doesn't seem like I'm learning the way I need to be learning. New teachers required the students to teach them how to teach us. This is so frustrating because the teachers feel like they know what they are doing because they got the Master's or Doctorate Degree. That's not how it works.

For those of you who are nurses out there or who are going through nursing school, how do you study for pharmacology? What did your teacher do that helped/hindered your learning? How do I survive this class?

Sorry for the meltdown rant. I don't know how I am ever going to get through this semester because this is ridiculous! It also seems like this whole post negates what I said about talking nice about people. I'm a hypocrite... I considered not posting this, but it's real and I don't want to seem "holier than thou" because I do get frustrated with people. I get irrationally angry and I vent.

Today is not one of my good days. It didn't start well and it's getting worse due to my bad grade on the test and the fact that I have to go to Pharm today. Days like this make me wish that 1) I could be a nurse already, 2) I would have been able to go through this program last year or preferably the year before, 3) I had a boyfriend, and 4) that I was smarter and better at studying. My stomach hurts from all the worrying and I keep bursting out in tears for no reason. The life has been sucked out of me and hopelessness is now a constant state of mind. I don't know what to do and I just want to shut down.

"They're starting to build their own eco-systems..."

This, as said by my brother, amused me far more than it should have. He was asking me to do the dishes because we are out of all dishes because neither of us have done them at all this week. This is way gross, I know, but I'm a college student and don't have a whole lot of time.

I did clean my room today, though! I also finished unpacking my room because I haven't completely unpacked since I moved in here over the summer. Unpacking is huge for me because since we lost our house when I was in high school, I never trust that that won't happen again. Plus, I have moved almost every year since then and it is a huge inconvenience to pack and unpack an umpteen number of times as I move from house to house with my parents and also move back and forth from college. So, long story short, I am settling in even though I may only live here for another 8 months or so. I guess we'll see where the L-rd wants us next year!

I have a confession, though, I didn't clean my room just to clean. I cleaned it to avoid studying for my pharmacology test tomorrow. Super bad decision. I have studied for the test, however, for several hours over the past few days. Hopefully I don't fail it. I really need help learning how to study and I also need to teach myself motivation so I can start studying weeks ahead so that I can actually learn my material instead of guessing on every question. If only I could figure out how to do this...

Started on St. John's Wort today. I am self-medicating to see if I can avoid going to the doctor for my depression symptoms. My brother has been informed to watch for worsening symptoms in me, but I doubt it will begin to kick in for a few weeks.

I had a Redbull and sweet tea. It explains a lot about this post, I know.

Another bad decision: I have been listening to country music for the past few days. Also, I keep playing with make-up when I come home. I am trying to decide if I should wear it tomorrow, but I probably won't.

Do you ever feel like being surrounded by tons of friends and having everyone do something fun with you? I'm having one of those days. By tomorrow I should be back to my normal self, trying to avoid any contact with anyone.

Pinterest has suddenly caught my attention. I find myself planning outfits, dates, and my wedding. I don't have any prospect of getting a boyfriend anytime soon, but my poor decision to listen to country music has got me thinking about what type of bf I want, what we should do on dates, and how I want to look on said dates. I need to stop this nonsense before it gets me in more trouble with myself!

Daily Thanksgiving: I made it to work today. I cleaned my room. My day went by quickly. I got Chick-fil-a and sweet tea. I am getting better at doing my make-up. I got some hopefully helpful herbs to help with my current sad and helpless state. I get to go home (real home) to see my mama, daddy, and my dog! I have studied over the past few days so I'm not super stressed about my coming pharm test, but I'm still nervous because this class is nuts!

Good night y'all.

New Personal Record!!!

Woke up @ 7:04 a.m. because I set my alarms wrong...

Work is supposed to be @ 7:20, requiring me to leave by 7:10...

Dressed and in the car by 7:09 a.m. and clocked in at 7:24! (the clock is about 5 minutes fast, which my boss knows)

I'm sure I would have slept until about 10 if G-d wouldn't have woken me up and given me the adrenaline rush to get ready so quick.

Praise the L-rd for watching out for me in all areas of my life!!!

Gross Obsession

I was put into a group with 7 other of my fellow nursing students to do a case study. We finished the project in 5 minutes (of the 30+ minutes allotted) and spent the rest of the time watching a chest tube insertion, thoracentesis, stitches, and the like on YouTube. I no longer feel like such an oddball for watching these disgusting but totally fascinating procedures!!! There are other weird people like me that can watch all the different types of fluid extracted from the lungs and be able to eat in the process. I can watch the strangest, most graphic procedures and think nothing of it. It's just how I'm wired. Anyway, I made friends by bonding over crazy cool procedures that most people can't handle.

If you can watch invasive videos and keep your lunch down (you don't even have to snack while watching the video!) I recommend you search for a thoracentesis procedure because it is so cool!

*Disclaimer: I don't take any responsibility for any lost meals, nightmares, or gagging. Viewing this video is at your own discretion. It can be considered gross and very graphic. Do not watch if you are squeamish about blood and other bodily fluids.*

You may have to go to YouTube to see it better, but man, it is worth it! I linked it here in case you can't see it well in the embedded video. Enjoy!

One of those days...

Woke up early this morning to try to study before my test @8. That didn't happen but I'm feeling okay about the test (which likely is a bad sign). The test was the midterm for pharmacological math. I turned it in and walked out the door. 3 steps out I realized I had forgotten to put my name on it! I spun around and caught the door before it even shut. Looking back, I shouldn't have just started to look through the stack of tests... He politely grabbed them from me and said, "once you leave you can't look at your test." I replied (in what I think was probably a whiny whisper, but I hope I didn't sound like I was whining,) "I just forgot to put my name on my test!" He looked through the stack and found the test with no name and let me put my name on it. I bet he will likely take of points but I'm glad I didn't get a zero.

Ugh! I'm in college, how can I still forget to put my name on tests?!

On the bright side, I'm half way done with my pharm class and we are ahead by at least a week so I won't have this final during all of my other finals! Also, I'm taking all my other midterms in the next 2 weeks which means I am almost half way done!!!  (...with my first semester of nursing school...)

I hope everyone's day goes well and I pray that mine gets a bit better.

Knowing vs. Believing

You can totally know something without believing it.

You are made in G-d's image which makes you beautiful, interesting, intricate, and absolutely amazing. This should be common knowledge, but somehow we all lose sight of it. Not only do we forget, but we don't believe it as our reflections stare back at us in the mirror.

We are created as intelligent beings. Somehow we get so caught up in comparing ourselves with those around us, we stop believing that we were made smart, intelligent, and capable of thought. I don't care what disease doctors diagnose you or someone you know with, G-d has given all of us the ability of thought and intelligence.

We are here for a reason. G-d has made us all for a purpose. I don't know mine, but we should be living as though we have a purpose, because we do. We need to be asking G-d what we are supposed to be doing instead of floating through life with no direction. Yes, sometimes life may not be clear and we are supposed to go through uncertain times, it builds faith or something. However, we should be on our knees asking the L-rd what He wants us to be doing.

So, I am here to tell you that you are beautiful, smart, intelligent, interesting, intricate, and you have purpose. We are created in G-d's image, with abilities to carry out thought processes, and all for a reason. You are a daughter or son of THE King.

Instead of listening to the lies that the Enemy tells you, remember these simple truths. As lies begin to pop into your head, speak life over yourself instead of accepting defeat. Eventually, we will be able to go from simply knowing these simple truths to firmly believing them. As our beliefs about who we are and what we are here for, we can begin to fight back against the Adversary. So believe it, you are unique and very important. The Creator of the Universe loves you and cherishes you.



Also, please do me a favor. Begin complimenting the people around you. Constantly be looking for things you like that other people are wearing, doing, or anything around you that you like. Then, this is super important, tell the people! Telling someone that you like their hair, makeup, clothes, note taking, studying tips, ability to explain difficult material, teaching, or work habits (you get it), will help you to make their day. When they get happy with you because of that, you suddenly have new friends and they have a new friend! Plus, you are speaking Life over them. You are helping them to realize that they are beautiful, intelligent, and they have purpose.

Additional challenge: If you are someone who is used to gossiping about others, I challenge you to think of 5 nice things to say about them BEFORE you say anything about them. Then, say those things about them to others. In order for this to work, you have to make sure that the nice things are truly nice with no trace of gossip or negativity. No backhanded compliments (i.e. He's not as good-looking as his brother, bless his heart; or She's pretty but she's not smart enough for that. You catch my drift?). Also, make sure that they are true and you believe them. Saying, "Oh I like your shirt" but you don't actually believe it isn't going to do any good because 1)you're lying, 2) people can tell. This is hard to start doing, but after just a few days, you will be an expert and you will have made a bunch of people's days. Just try it! :)

Silly Online Medical Advice...

My "good day" has ended, somewhat. I'm still better than I had been, but I'm having problems again. I think I need to go talk to a doctor to either get treatment or to have them tell me that I'm fine and there is nothing wrong with me.

I'm still very hesitant, so I decided to take an online test to see what I have. Yes, this was a very bad decision. After taking several tests, I may have... IBS, chronic severe depressive disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety, general anxiety, and, my favorite, bipolar disorder. Keep in mind, these are only the possible diagnoses I remember, there were a total of close to 10!

I need to see a doctor. I never see doctors. My problem with healthcare, and whatever is ailing me, is beginning to flare up due to this silliness...

And no, the irony that I don't trust healthcare, yet I want to be a nurse, is not lost on me.



I left class today (after about an hour of the whole two and a half hours) due to my nervousness. My fear of being embarrassed, having my stomach growl, eating in an unclean manner on front of others, and meeting new people is turning me into a hermit. Feeling like I can't handle life so I seriously consider not getting out of bed (no joking, I've actually done this) is causing friendships to suffer. Always feeling out of place and worthless is eating me alive. The thing I hate most about all of this is that I know these thoughts are highly irrational and many of them are lies from the Adversary. Does this make it easier to control these problems? Not for me. I have tried praying with authority and telling Satan and his demons to leave me alone, then quote a Bible verse or two. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, maybe I don't have enough faith, or maybe there is something else wrong with me. I don't know,but it doesnt seem to work because the thoughtscome back, or never stop, and i get overwhelmed. So, I have decided to go to the doctor and ask for help. Hopefully I can get referred for just therapy and no drugs because I don't like the idea of being medicated and hooked on drugs. (We just learned about psych meds in pharmacology amd they are incredibally addicting because they screw with your brain chemistry, which may be permanent.) Not cool, man.

A Better Day

I've been going to the same church for about a month and a half now. I am really starting to enjoy it too. Still, I haven't plugged in and I don't really know anyone because 1) I'm shy, 2) I don't know how to make friends... 3) it's a large church. Last night they made an alter call for anyone who needed prayer. G-d laid it on my heart and I went up. He even showed me who to go to.

I went up and my problems just spilled out of my mouth as tears started streaming down my face. The lady I had been shown prayed with me and even invited me out for brunch this morning. G-d is really using this woman to help me tremendously. She has spoken over my life and G-d has reassured my heart. I know I will still have "bad days," but my current stretch of struggling has subsided. She has also given me some more resources and has given me ideas for new young adult groups both on campus and at the church. She also knows one of the teachers at my nursing school and she is going to get me in touch with her in case I need prayer at school or just to have someone else that I can get help with for nursing school. Furthermore, (I'm not a fan of that word, but it fit...) she told me how to get started in childcare at the church!!! Oh my goodness I miss my babies. I think I'm addicted to the oxytocin, but is that really a bad thing?

So, I feel much better. It's only been a day, so time will tell, but I have a devotional book and a new friend with daughters my age.

My brother introduced coffee with hazelnut creamer to me. Ya, that's a problem.

Off to work. I'll let you know how it goes. I am planning on talking to my manager about transferring or quitting today. It's a new development that occurred just this week at my meeting with my nursing school mentor (the other nursing student that is a year ahead of me in the program.) She told me that I seemed miserable and depressed at my CNA job. I knew that I disliked my job and that it stressed me out to no end, but I hadn't considered quitting until I talked to my mom. G-d has allowed for me to get extra loans so that I can financially be secure if I quit. So, I discussed it with my mom and my dad and I know that I can't take much more of this nonsense at work, so I think I'm just going to quit. Then, I'll have more time to study, my cortisol (stress hormone) levels will hopefully decrease, and maybe I can even get better grades. I really want to get A's this semester, but that's going to take a miracle, even with my decreased work load.


BTW, I drank two cups of coffee with that delicious creamer and it's making me need to pee every 5 minutes. Those 2 cups were a bad idea because this is super inconvenient... Forgive me for the TMI but my brother is gone and I and hopped up on coffee with no one to talk to. (I know that doesn't make the most sense grammatically, but my brain is kinda going nuts right now.)

Understanding Marriage

This is one of the best articles I have read explaining marriage. Actually, I found a bunch on this one particular website. Plus, it numbered and bolded the reasons for marriage in one of the articles! I love this because not only does it make it easier for me to skim, it also helps you (should you choose to read these) to skim and not read entire articles! I figured this would likely help you guys because I am long-winded and I really want all of the info to be shared without you, my friends, to have to read entire textbooks worth of writing spread across several sites. (Wow, that was kinda a run-on... Sorry!)

Read these articles if you would like more info on the point of marriage. I put them in order of most relevant to my previous points to stuff that I thought was just interesting or other good points...

1) What's the point of marriage?
2) 5 Reasons Marriage Cynics Are Wrong (surprisingly, I am not cynical about any of these 5 things...)
3) What It Really Means to Say 'I Do'
4) 3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married
5) You Never Marry the Right Person (I know this one sounds disheartening, just trust me and try reading it)






Also, on a completely unrelated note, my mom called. We talked for a little over 1 hour and 39 minutes. I am in a considerably better mood and I didn't even explain my recent struggles. G-d truly blessed me with a strong, hilarious, and totally understanding mom. I love her and I love my dad. I am a daddy's girl, in the best sense, meaning I love working on cars, hangin' with the boys, and setting stuff on fire. I also enjoy throwing footballs, baseballs, and learning about cars/sports/anything anyone is willing to teach me. I'm so very grateful for my parents and their very different personalities.

Misunderstood

Do you ever feel that you are misunderstood? Perhaps you are an RN or a CNA and try to explain your frustrations about work with someone who does not work in medicine. Maybe you are a girl trying to explain your irrational bad day (when nothing is really going wrong but it still feels bad) to your boyfriend, guy friend, parents, etc. Maybe you are a guy trying to explain cars/sports/video games/etc. to your girlfriend, sister, parents, etc. (I am sorry for the stereotypes, normally I steer clear of them but they are personal experiences that just happen to be popping into my head at this moment.) Whatever the reason, my bet is that most people are misunderstood at some point or another.

Recently I went to lunch with my mentor who is in the same nursing program, but a year ahead of me. She likes to set up meeting every couple of weeks to ensure that I am not completely drowning, if she can help it, and also to encourage me to go to church. I have been going to church, so that's good, I guess. I tried explaining the rest of my life and school to her, because I am trying to be open and honest with people, and she totally didn't get me at all. This confirmed my fear that I am, in fact, too strange to be helped. It reinforced my policy that I keep problems to myself and pretend that nothing is wrong even when it is written clearly across my face. Well, I come on here and explain myself, but I don't know you guys and you don't really know me and I hope that somewhere, my awkward stories and bad writing can help somebody. If no, then at least I got my thoughts recorded and can kinda put them behind me.

Yesterday, while waiting after my IT job for my brother to get out of class, I found a book in the library. It talked about nurses and doctors coping with the death of their pt's. All of the nurses and doctors in the book worked in pediatrics, typically in oncology, PICU, or NICU. They all explained what happened during the first death that they experienced, how they coped, and what they do differently now. Most of them talked about having to be close friends with other doctors and nurses on their unit because nobody in other units or in the outside world understand what it is like to help a child through their death or to perform post mortem care on an infant. They can't even vent or explain their day to anyone who is not a healthcare provider because nobody gets it. So, should I learn to explicitly lean on G-d and learn to talk everything out with Him to prevent putting anyone around me through the confusion and pain that goes on with nursing? I plan on having friends, I always make friends at work, but will they get sick of me crying every time a baby dies? Will they get tired of me having to ask for help?

I already fear that I'm a burden to those around me. I feel like I'm the charity case because many of my friends are really pretty, super smart, and have loads of friends, so they don't really need me. I don't even complain to them about stuff because I don't want to dump anything else on them! I try to not ask for help or favors very much. I strive to pull my own weight, or to even give as much as I can and carry some of their burden. So I end up wanting to have the company of people, but when I get around them I get nervous and stressed. Ultimately, I end up shutting down, not talking, and leaving after only a short time. But the whole time, I still want human interaction. I don't understand this and I have been trying to fight through it, but I haven't found anything that works in the past few years that it's been occurring.

I don't feel like I belong. I don't belong at any church (past or present), at home, in my apartment,  at school, at my job, anywhere. I have never felt like I belong. I can have friends but we hardly get super close. Even when we do, they leave after a few years and we never talk again. I go home to my parent's house and it doesn't seem like I belong because my stuff isn't there. Then again, I come home to my apartment and it just feels like my things are intruding on someone else's turf because this is just temporary. For several years nursing felt like my niche, but the longer I'm in the nursing program, the more I feel like an outsider that won't make it through this boot camp. My first long term church was one I attended for 10 years with my family. Through that whole time, I didn't feel I belonged. It was a small church and everyone knew everyone, but I never connected with many people. My pastor's wife let me work in the nursery and the kids clung to me. Outside of that, I never really had anyone to be with. The next church was larger and I had tons of people who made it a point to come say hi because I watched their kids or we helped to start the church together, but still, no real connections (except for the lady I still babysit for and the other lady that goes to my mom for haircuts.) My Messianic congregation has a line out the door of people wanting to talk to me, but I can't figure out why. My current church has only been "mine" for about a month so still no one there... yet(?).

My love language is quality time. Maybe I'm setting my standards too high for friendship. Perhaps I should be looking for more superficial friendships as opposed to ones that seem grounded and deep. Maybe I just don't let people get close or maybe they don't want to get close. I don't know.

The end.

Do I whine too much?

After a short, but ridiculously stressful day, I came home to study. I am worked up over stress at school and after lunch with a friend, I am frustrated with life. My brother (whom I live with) asked me what was wrong so I rattled off my "problems." At the end I realized that I do a whole lot of complaining. I mention this and he agreed. I don't understand the difference between venting, whining, and complaining. For most of my problems, I have solutions and work to make the situation better. More increasingly, however, is the number of problems I encounter with no solution, I just have to suck it up and deal with it. How do I stop complaining/whining/stressing about things that I cannot change and that really don't matter? Should I learn to cope with them myself or is it actually helping me to talk it out with people? I don't know what to do. So, do you guys think I whine too much? Be honest, I'm stronger than I seem on here. Actually, this is the one place where I am almost completely honest about the inner-workings of myself (except when HIPAA needs to be protected/enforced... not really sure how to word that... I am HIPAA compliant).

State of Confusion

Do you ever have those days where nothing really happens, but it still "feels" like it was a bad day? I can't really explain it more than that, but it's been happening more and more frequently lately. Am I just being pessimistic? Should I just suck it up and get over it or is there something more to this?

Otterbox Case Advice Needed!

Do any of you have an Otterbox case for any electronic devices? I was given one by a family friend, but I am looking into getting the stronger version for my iPad. They are so expensive! My goodness! I just want a pink one, camo or just the bright pink, it doesn't matter, but I don't know if I can fork over $90 for a case... On the one hand, they are very good at protecting electronic equipment. On the other hand, they break my budget for the next 4 months.

So, I am turning to you. Yes, all of you out there on the World Wide Web. Are Otterbox covers worth it? Do you know anywhere where I can find one cheaper (preferably some form of pink)? Do I need to start selling my kidneys, parts of my liver, and maybe some plasma just to scrape together the funds for this thing or are there better ways to spend my money?

Also, I am looking into getting an iPod touch for clinicals because we are required to have some app thing with a drug guide and a bunch of other stuff. Therefore, I will likely get an Otterbox case for that because I have a feeling that it will be put through a lot of not so great circumstances. Plus, the cases for iPods are significantly cheaper. But maybe I can just use my iPad with the Otterbox cover? I don't know. Any input?

Thank you all!

Foolish Choice

I got invited out tonight! Ya, I was kinda excited and skeptical too. It was just an invitation for my brother and I to go out to dinner at a local wing place so I figured it would be alright. Little did I know that there were other people coming too. They were all nice and friendly, but I am too stinkin' awkward around groups larger than 2. Really, I'm too awkward around anyone but myself... Anyway, I wasn't uncomfortable, but I said probably 10 words the whole night. Fortunately, other people find stuff to talk about all the time so I didn't have to worry about it too bad. I just don't know why I put myself in these situation. The others were also drinking and cursing. They only had a beer, maybe a beer an a half per person. As far as I could tell, they were of age but I don't really know. Drinking doesn't make me uncomfortable, per se, I just never know what to do. Has anyone else noticed that when in college, waiters/waitresses assume you are of age if you have some type of university paraphernalia with you? They typically i.d. before you get alcohol, but it's kinda weird to say that you are not old enough yet. Maybe that's just me.

Folks, I need to get funny and I need to work on my people skills. I promise I'm fine when it's at work. I could find the most random things to say when I'm working to make customers/patients more comfortable. When I am out in the real world, however, I become mute and really observant.

At dinner, it seemed like one of the guys kept looking at me. I'm just making this up right?

Then, as I was driving off, two of the guys that were at dinner were following me on their motorcycles. We stopped at a red light and I get a little nervous/over excited when people I know are behind me. Anyway, I blasted around the left turn and since I was going too fast, I underestimated how sharp the left turn was. I didn't hit anyone, but I veered into the lane of the person turning left beside me. Now I feel foolish because I suck at driving. I'm a girl, though, so can I just blame my poor driving abilities on the extra X chromosome?  Most girls aren't bad drivers though...

Ugh, people drive me crazy and it's mainly my fault.

In other news, I learned how to use an opthalmascope and an otoscope. I got to look into people's eyeballs and ears today! It's more exciting than it sound, but not really.

Someone give me advise on how to stop being weird around people! I wish I were more charismatic and way less foolish, but I'm not. Instead of learning how to be around people, I was busy becoming wise. Was this a mistake?