March of Remembrance

By the way, I wanted to inform everyone of an amazing opportunity to participate in the March of Remembrance. There are marches taking place all over the country and even some international marches as well.

What is it? This is a march remembering the Holocaust and all of the lives lost at that time. It is a time to honor all of those who were killed during that horrific event and also to show support for those who still live to talk about it. Also, it is a vow, in a way, that we will not let another Holocaust happen again. Yes, genocide is still very real and happens every day, but we as believers need to stand up and fight for those being murdered. So check out this website and see if there is a march close enough that you can participate in it!

This march is also very important at this time of year when we remember the Passover story and how G-d always delivers His people from bondage and suffering. While there may be a season that such suffering does take place, He provides a way out in His perfect timing. To G-d be the glory!

Also, this march is for Orthodox Jews, Reform Jews, Messianic believers, Christians and everyone! You do not have to claim a certain religion or belief system to participate, this is a great opportunity to learn about what happened and how to remember and prevent the Holocaust from ever happening again. So come out no matter what you believe and remember with us.

300!!!

Wow, 300 pageviews! That is crazy to think about, but thank you guys very much for reading my rantings and random thoughts. 

Back At School

I can't believe spring break is over already! It seems like I was just packing up my car to head home, now I'm back again with no recollection of what I did last week. That was an exageration, I relaxed and watched t.v. when I was not hanging out with my kids or my friends. No matter how unproductive my break was, I am glad that I was able to relax and veg, hopefully my brain was able to recoup so I can get done with the last 6 weeks of my freshman year.

Yesterday, before I left home, my parents threw me a mini birthday party. How sweet is that! They were bummed that my birthday is during the school week so they got a couple pies and gave me a card with some money in it. I love that it didn't turn into a whole week ordeal or even an entire day dedicated to me. Those things make me uncomfortable because everything is because the "birthday girl" wants to do something. Never have I had to make more decisions than on my birthday. So, to have a tiny little celebration that lasted a maximum of 30 minutes was perfect. Plus, I am having a hard time getting older. I can't even imagine how bummed I will be when I turn 50 if I am having these sad feelings just turning 19.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got here last night so I can miss the Easter traffic. I also got all of my shopping done this morning and I got an excellent parking spot! Over spring break I didn't even have to work which was nice too because I get so stressed out at work. I am also thankful that G-d has preserved me these last 19 years and he brought me back to college safely. 

Anyway, enough about me. How have you been?

Dreamin'

Do y'all ever have dreams you wish would not end because they are so fun or something you really wanted to happen? I hate those dreams because I wake up sad that they are not real life. Ok, that was harsh. I actually really like those dreams and I only have a slight dissappointment that they are not real. But for me, it is like watching a love story. You get so involved in what is happening in the movie (or the dream) and then by the time you get back to real life, it is not nearly as exciting or anything like you would have wanted. I believe that the romantic movies, books, songs and ideals that we are being bombarded with (or at least offered) are resulting in unrealistic expectations and ideas when it comes to dating and marriage. I know, this is like the 50th post I have done about this topic, but it's really frustrating to me. If I could choose, I want to go back in time to the late 1800's. At this time, modesty was a requirement for all, food was home-grown, and boys had to ask your parents before they could even court (date) you at all. In that system, the parents were able to consider the boy's parents, his history, schooling, age and so on. Then the parents of the girl used their fully developed prefrontal cortex in order to make an educated decision as to whether or not to let the girl even try to make a relationship work. I know, there were arranged marriages and not everyone was happy. But, dating was not a thing of the heart, it was thought through, discussed and considered by many viewpoints. Ideally, this method would save a lot of heartache because there is little chance for the girl or boy to date 25 people by the time they are 18.

Perhaps, I should just make myself stop dreaming... Just like I can make myself avoid chick-flicks, romance novels, country music and so forth. I could just make myself stop dreaming and day-dreaming to avoid my own mental role-playing games of what I wish would happen. Of course, this is likely impossible, so off to the drawing board I go in hopes of becoming less cynical and depressed over stuff that has not happened.

Daily Thanksgiving: I get to teach my friend how to drive stick-shift today and I have all day to clean and study! That really is a thanksgiving because I don't have school thrown in the mix. Also, HESI studying is not as bad as I thought it would be, it is just tedious and I don't take the HESI for a few more months but I am getting started early which should help me out a little.

Scholarship

I got a call a couple days ago about a possible scholarship award. They said they had moved my application from one scholarship to another because I fit it better and now I have an interview! It would be such a blessing to get this scholarship because it is really big and I don't know how else I will be able to pay for next year. L-rd willing, I will be able to get this scholarship, plus the RA position.

By the way, I still have no headway on what I am going to do about this guy that may have a thing for me. The more I talk to people, the more unclear I get. When I talk to G-d I don't really seem to be getting the big signs that I am looking for either and I am not quite sure how to listen to His still, quiet voice. I don't know what to do!!! And this is really frustrating that I cannot get a straight answer. Some people know my plans and they say that G-d will let whatever happen happen. Yes, I know G-d will let whatever happens happen, but that does not let me know if I should go ahead in a relationship or not. Other people tell me that it is just part of the "college experience" to date people and it should be fun to have a boyfriend. To me, dating is not a hobby or an experience. Dating, in my opinion, is like a trial for marriage. It should be taken seriously and used to get to know a person before you get hitched because marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should be fun, don't get me wrong, but dating is not just something to do just for the fun of it. So, I am back to square one, not knowing if my plans are truly the ones set up by myself and G-d, or if He is telling me to go ahead and scratch my plans to go for something better. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got all of my plans and requirements and if I stick with them, there is a HUGE chance I will never, ever, ever date anyone. Therefore, I will never be able to get married. This is one of those days where I would love to sit down and have coffee with G-d. Well, tea for me because I get heart palpatations from caffiene or too much sugar... But I just want Him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright and I need Him to tell me what to do. If only I could have coffee with Him, maybe I would have peace and reassurance in what I need to do.

This reminds me, I have not been treating Him right lately. He has not been my top priority, I have been my top priority. That is probably why my depression is coming back, that is likely why I feel helpless, and it is also why I am down in the dumps even though my life seems to be turning around and getting "better". To tell you the truth, I have not been reading the Word every night like I normally do, I have not been going to any churches or congregations at all, I haven't been watching anything online either. I have put Him on the backburner because I figured school is right now and G-d will always be there. While it is true He will always be there, we have the choice of whether to nourish and build the relationship with Him, or to let it dwindle. When we build the relationship with Him, He takes care of our entire life and allows everything to fall into place. However, when we let the relationship dwindle or take push it aside, we push Him out of our life and He lets us "drive" on our own for a little bit. Obviously not completely, because if I were driving completely by myself, I would not be alive anylonger. But He lets us think we are taking the wheel so that we can realize that we are helpless. So, my grades are not doing well, work is extremely difficult, I can't hear Him because there is too much inbetween us (all of it on my side of the me and G-d connection), and the Enemy now has a ton of footholds in my life because I am not surrendered to Ad-nai completely. This is a miserable place to be. Again, it makes me want to go to coffee and apologize and begin to build our relationship back up, but that is not how it works. So, I will begin again, asking for forgiveness and working to put Him first. Now I understand why so many people fall away from the faith when they go to college. It is so easy to let church or congregation slide, to let fun things infiltrate your free time and to avoid things you know as right when the world is offering entertainment and "good" feelings.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very grateful for G-d's forgiveness. His love is overwhelming and even though I know I messed up willingly, He takes me back once I admit that I was in the wrong and work towards getting closer to Him. I am grateful that He allows us to make mistakes because it means that He allows us to have complete free will. Many days I wish He would just tell me what to do, but where would faith come into play? He allows us to fall so that He may build us up for His glory. I am grateful that He has kept me safe and that He has chosen me to live this life. I am also grateful that the biggest problem in my life right now, is figuring out whether or not I should date someone. In reality, this is not a big problem at all, I just overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am also thankful that G-d is working with me on that...

For those of you who pray to the One true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: please pray for favor in my RA position attempt and also for favor for the scholarship. I am asking for favor for the largest scholarship award they allow because I really need that plus the RA position to get headway in paying for next year. Also, please pray for my acceptance into the nursing program and a really good score on the HESI.

Does anyone else have any thanksgivings, prayer requests, or anything to add to my above rants? I would love to know what you think about dating and our/your relationship with G-d! Please private message me or comment below. :)

My Kids

Just an update from what happened yesterday, my kids threw me a birthday party! The kids I "adopted" (mentioned in my last post). My real birthday is in about a week, but they will be back in school, as will I. So, they got me a tiny little cake, they gave me some presents, then we went and painted pottery at Arts On Fire. Let me tell you, that place is so fun! It was a bit of a drive, but so very worth it. When you are there, you pick out a piece of pottery that is already made and fired the first time, you just get to paint it with glaze. Then you have them fire it for you and they call you in about a week to come pick it up. Simple as that. I could see it being an awesome date idea too... Anyway, I have to get my mind focused back on this conversation. So we did all that and what really made my day was the fact that the little boy (age 4) was asking for hugs all day and he said he loves me nearly 5849 times, no joke. Then, the littlest girl (age 2 in April) actually likes me now! She liked me when she was little bitty, then she started associating me with her mom leaving, but she is learning that her mom comes back and that I am alright to hang out with. She kept grabbing my finger and pulling me to play. She smiled at me and played peek-a-boo. Guys, my heart is overflowing with love. These two kids' older sisters (ages 6 and 10) are just so sweet too. I connect so much with the older one because we are so similar in the way that we learn, handle ourselves and others, and the way that we have fun. The younger girl is just so adorable. She is very artistic and really shone during the painting. She even painted me my own picture as part of my birthday present! I don't know how all four children are so kind, gentle and well-behaved, but their mom is doing an amazing job raising them. Someday, I pray that G-d gives me children, and I pray that I know how to raise them to be so responsible, well-rounded and gracious as these kids. I love them as if they were my own, I don't understand how my love for someone could ever grow anymore, but it grows everytime I see them. People also say that romantic love (pardon the weird wording) and the love of my own offspring will be greater, I think it may cause me to burst if there is actually greater love than this. My cup runneth over.

Checkin' In

Wow, it has been awhile since my last post! Spring break is going really well. I have not done much but watch movies and Netflix, but I'm kinda diggin' that. Yesterday was Passover so the night before that my family and I had a sedar. Passover is a really powerful time because it causes you to re-examine your life and your actions. Also, I broke Shabbat yesterday :( Passover and the last day (at least those two days) are supposed to be Sabbath's to the L-rd, but I broke it and I hate that I broke it. All I did was go to Ikea with my friends because we had been planning it for awhile and I did not even realize we had planned to go on Pesach (Hebrew word for Passover).

Today I get to go see my kids! Now, they aren't my real kids. I'm only 18 - almost 19, but that's beside the point - and there are 4 of them. I'm pretty sure it is impossible for me to have had 4 kids... Just sayin'. Anyway, they are kids that I used to babysit and I love them so much. I just love kids. Any child that has ever come through my nursery or that I have babysit pretty much turns into my kid because they make my heart happy, even when throwing tantrums and being ornery. I really miss church nursery because that was my niche when I didn't have friends to turn to. It was my sense of accomplishment because I was/am very good at dealing with the youngins, primarily newborn to 3 years old. Adults used to ask for my advice when they were volunteering in the nursery at our last church because it was brand new and I had been with the kids from the very beginning. I was almost put as a teacher but I was only 16 and needed to be at least 18, so they had me train the teachers and aides instead. Man, too bad that couldn't be my job! Just working in a nursery...

Daily Thanksgiving: I get to see my kids!!! Also, I got to hang out with my friends yesterday and I am so very thankful that Pesach was over break and I did not have to go to classes or work.

RA Interview

I just got done with my RA interview... but I don't think it was the best one they may have sat through. Oh gosh, I don't know. I would love to be an RA for the nursing floor, but I don't know how well/poorly I do in interviews so I don't know how this is going to be.

If I get the job, it is because G-d wanted me to have the job anyway so we shall see what He wants!

My spring break is actually here, I have nothing else I absolutely have to do!

Spring Break!

I should have updated you all yesterday once I got out of lab that I was now on my spring break, but I was hanging out with my friends. So, I am now officially on spring break! To start off the festivities, I stayed up until 1:30 last night watching t.v., but I also did my laundry and hung out with my friend until about 10:30.

I am so excited to go home today, unfortunately I have to stay until at least 2 or so because of my RA interview. I do not like interviews, they make me uncomfortable and stress me out. If I do interviews, I would want it to be at a coffee shop, where we can get a coffee and sit and get to know each other because it seems that people are more themselves when they are not sitting in a chair alone being questioned by a panel of strangers. Anyway, after my interview, I have to wait for my friend to get off work, then we are going to his new house until the traffic subsides a bit. Fridays are awful for traffic from my campus to the city I live in. A typical hour drive turns into a 2-3 hour drive because people won't get out of the fast lane and were not taught how to properly utilize highways. Plus, the highway is mostly a two lane highway (in each direction), when it really needs to be closer to three or four because of the large influx in population. But, it is what it is, and I really enjoy cranking up my radio and jamming out for an 1+ hours.

Not having homework (except for editing and submitting a paper) is so nice! I miss high school because homework had an end to it after just a couple of hours. In college, not so much. No matter how long or how hard you work, there is always more that can be done. Whether it is reading for the next class period, or studying, or writing your papers, or even actual homework, there is never an end.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's spring break and life is nice right now. I loved hanging out with my friend last night and I finally made the move to delete my Facebook account to avoid the awkwardness from my ex-roommates. This is gonna be a good week... once I can get through my interview.

Coffee Date

So I had a "coffee date" with my good friend (who is a girl). At said date, I told her about my guy. She knows the guy, but I didn't tell her who it really is. It is nice to be able to gush about a guy to another girl because she understands me. She also gushed about her crush and we helped each other through. I will tell you, having a crush is really a nuisance. I cannot sleep, I cannot concentrate on my studies, and I cannot focus in class because he is always on my mind. Unfortunately, I am unable to put certain thoughts on hold or push them from my mind.

In other news, I got a 94% on my psych test! Also, spring break is one more day of classes away. Then I have to stay on campus Friday for my RA interview, unfortunately, but it gives me more time to be able to actually relax with my friends. I'm so excited for spring break I can't even tell you!!!

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for coffee dates, amazing friends, Life cereal when the cafeteria food is bad (which is 99.9% of the time), and for my beautiful computer that I get to crank out my English paper on tonight. Ya, the paper is due tomorrow and has to be 6 pages... I have to learn to not procrastinate. Also, I am glad that it is not sunny and nice enough to play outside today because I would likely not write my paper if it was nice enough to play outside.

Life In the Dorms

Living in the dorms is fun, it is interesting, and it is very convenient most of the time. On the flip-side, we get to have health and safety checks. That just means that two RA's come into your room and inspect everything. It proves to be awkward because they look in you bathroom, in your shower, under your bed, behind your nightstand, etc. Plus, they drop in randomly so that you don't have time to stash drugs, alcohol or anything else lawfully illegal or "illegal" according to the university's policies. With all that said, I just had my inspection and it took a whole 30 seconds. Plus I got to meet the other RA on my new floor. So, at the end of the day, it wasn't so bad.

Now I just need another hug...

Twitter

Hey everyone! I made a Twitter. I have a feeling it will be dangerous for me to have such a thing, but I need some kind of outlet for the random stuff I am thinking all day. Follow me @BedpanAlley if you are on Twitter too!!!

My Mind Won't Shut Up!!!

Normally I do not even like to say shut up, to me it is a "four-letter word". In this case, however, I think it is appropriate. I can't sleep well. I take magnesium, which usually helps me fall asleep and sleep peacefully through the night, but my mind won't turn off anymore. Last night, I stayed up until about 11 p.m. (very unusual for me now) working on anatomy (which was getting it done early! Also very unusual). By the time I fell asleep it was close to midnight or later. Then I woke up at about 6 a.m. and could not fall back asleep even though I usually sleep through a couple snooze cycles.

Yesterday in psych we learned about Freud's theories about anxiety and I fit to a "T" in the neurotic anxiety category. I have tried to change by focusing on positives, doing my daily thanksgivings, stopping myself from being sooooooo cynical and I am hanging out with my friends much more. With all of these things I figured my stress would go down and I would stop worrying about every little thing, especially before it happened. Unfortunately, my little experiment did not go as planned. Now I am sleepless, staying up to think about the guy I have developed a thing for, I worry about how awful I am as a CNA and now my poor grades are creeping into my head as well. I also believe my depression is coming back, with reinforcement. Folks, I am not sure what to do...

Let's change the subject though, this Debbie Downer thing is getting me worked up just a little bit. I went out to lunch yesterday with my mentor. She is only a year ahead of me but she gives me faith counseling and nursing school advice. At the end of lunch she asked me if there were any guys in my life which was so weird because she knows I don't understand the whole cute guy, attraction, dating thing. But it was nice to share with someone who was excited for me to be reciprocating "feelings" (I hate that word, it makes me want to cast up my breakfast) for this guy. I told her I wasn't ready to date and didn't plan on dating until junior year. To this she quickly rebuked my need to plan (and worry) about my entire life before I have even gotten anywhere. I think she is right. I cannot plan everything because, ultimately, G-d is in control of all things. I have little to nothing to do with how my life plays out, He already knows what happens and how the story ends. On the other hand, I don't want to date anyone that is not looking for marriage and is not totally in love with G-d first and foremost. Getting my heart broken is something I desperately want to avoid and I figured that by praying that I don't date anyone until my husband comes along, I would avoid the whole breakup mess. Breaking up would just cast me into a deeper depression than I would know how to handle and it breaks friends up. Again my neurotic anxiety is surfacing. Funny how that works, huh?

Daily Thanksgiving: Today I am thankful I got to have lunch with my friend yesterday. I was able to pass my chem test, with just a C, but it was a high C (78%). Next time, I plan to study much more and work towards an A in anatomy and chemistry because I really need to raise my grades. I am thankful for the fact that G-d holds me in His hands and never lets me go. I know that He is with me even in my darkest hour, and I seem to have a lot of those. He has also protected me from so many boys that would have been so very bad for me and he gives me wisdom, and sometimes ignorance, in order to preserve me.

"Bless the L-rd, oh my soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul. I'll worship Your holy name." (It's from a song and seemed fitting.)

Bad Grades!

I got a C on my chem test from this morning... Technically its a 78% and I got 6 points of extra credit but this is so not good. My grades are awful right now, I really have to start studying more and longer because this is depressing. Seriously depressing.

By The Way

Shout out to Germany! I live in the States, but most of my viewers are from Germany, by a big margin. Thank you for all of you that read my posts and wherever you live in the world, welcome. Leave a message saying where you are from and/or where you live now. Let's see where everyone is situated here on this big rock floating out in space.

The Irony

Have you ever had life experiences where all you can think is "that's ironic!"? Most of my life is that way. A while ago a guy I had had a crush on for four or five years started dating a girl that I don't believe liked me much. We were all from the same small little church and it's just weird that of all the people that they could have started dating, they choose each other. Just like it's odd that my best friend, C, from middle school started dating one of my friends after I didn't share in his romantic understanding of our relationship. Now he is married, with a kid, that could have been me... And while I still love him as a very dear friend, I am glad it was not me that he married and I am even more glad he did not break my heart. I also find it slightly ironic that I now live in a town my family has despised all my life because my dad grew up near here. I did not want to come to this town, but now that I am here, it's not so bad. There are plenty of other examples of my life's irony, but I shan't bore you too much today.

In other news, I found an entire section of my university's library devoted to nursing, midwifery, obstetrics and all the stuff I want to do!!! Guys you have no idea how excited I was when I found it. I almost screamed and cried for joy at the sight of those beautiful books explaining the processes of labor and delivery and such like material. Well, not really, but my heart did get happy that my school has this section of books. Now I can go and learn on my own about material way above the actual material I need to know currently.

Spring break is three days away and I have so much I have to do. I have a paper due on thursday, I took my Chem test today and break is going to be spent reading research books for my next paper and studying. Unfortunately, HESI studying will be focused on during my spring break. Then Anatomy, Chem and Psych studying... school never ends. But when I come back there will only be 6 weeks separating me from no longer being a college freshman.

Have any of you heard of/listened to Francesca Battistelli? If you haven't, you should look her up. I love her voice and most of her music is upbeat and about normal, everyday life. It has become my Pandora station of choice during homework, leading to procrastination, but I love her music.

Do you have any fun plans for spring break?

Daily Thanksgiving: I am finished with my chem test, my anatomy tests, my psych test and on Thursday I will be done with my English paper. I am so close to being on spring break I can taste it and I do actually get to spend time with my friends for some of the time. I am so very thankful that I get to go home for spring break because I haven't been home for about a month, which is a very long time for me.

Poll

Hey guys, I also forgot to ask you to be a part of the poll. These questions are just for me, just because I am curious. If none of the answers apply (in this poll or in future polls) you can message me or find an answer that fits the best or is the closest to your real answer.

Thank you for answering the poll! Likely I will have some "fun" questions or even some questions for school assignments up eventually.

Just Another Day In Paradise

Finished out another day of work. Thankfully, today the CNA stayed with me all day and we were behind, but it wasn't terrible. The residents, on the other hand, were off the wall active today. I don't know what's going on, it's not even a full moon yet!!! Guys, it's getting really hard to be at this job. It seems like I fail everyday because I am slow and I don't know what I am doing at all. Well, that's not totally true, I do kinda know what I am doing... sometimes. Anyway, I will count it as a good day despite the scratches, bruises, pain, frustration and disappointment.

On the other hand, I absolutely love the LPN that was working today. She is always so sweet and she saw that we were behind, likely because of me, and so she took all of the vitals we needed done for the day. If only there were something I could do for her, she is always offering me lunch, fixing my mistakes and offering advice and encouragement. This lady is just such a great nurse and LPN, I am so very thankful for her.

4 days left until spring break! My spring break will consist of studying, hanging out with friends and sleeping but it will be a nice break despite the uneventful week. Then I just have a month and a half left of my first year of school. That means... I am nearly a quarter of the way to being a nurse!!! Even though this job makes me feel like I cannot do anything right, I think that I have potential to be a good nurse. I care a lot, maybe too much, which is why I am slow. But I know that G-d can teach me to be an awesome nurse and He will guide my life.

By the way, my birthday is coming up. I won't say when, because I despise birthdays, but it seemed like I needed to tell someone besides just my family. Does anyone else hate birthdays? I don't like getting older, I do not like the attention and I do not like the pressure people put on you to make all the decisions just because you evacuated your mother's uterus that same date a few years earlier. Maybe I am just too negative. Actually, I am pretty sure I am, but I am working on it. Nonetheless, I highly dislike birthdays. It seems everything goes wrong that day. I've called into the principle's office, been yelled at, been forgotten, and tons of other bad things have happened, always on my birthday. So, please forgive me for not being excited about the aging process, I just don't see a need to commemorate the anniversary of another year that I did not live up to my expectations (or anyone else's for that matter).

Daily Thanksgiving: You know, it occurred to me I forgot yesterday's thanksgiving. Well, yesterday I was super thankful for Shabbat, a day of rest. I slept in and relaxed and did nothing all day. Today I am thankful for my LPN, the CNA that worked with me today, the fact that I don't have to work for nearly 3 weeks now, I get spring break in 4 days and for my friends and family. Plus, I love Pandora, it helps me get my mind off things when I need a break. Pandora radio is good stuff.


Just an update about my anatomy tests that I took last week: I got a B on both the lecture exam and the lab practical. I thought I would do better, but hey, G-d gave me good grades for both and I am grateful for that. Next time I will work for A's again and, L-rd willing, I will actually get A's.

Falling Fast

Have you ever had those times when you can't fall asleep because your brain won't shut up? I'm having a season of this, but it's not fully unwelcome. Somehow I even wake up and I'm not super exhausted because I wake up thinking about what I fell asleep thinking about. Which, by the way, is not something... it's someone. All of my efforts to not fall for anyone, not even a crush, until junior year is not working so well. While that sucks, it still makes me happy to think about him and hang out with him. I can't explain it, but I can look into his eyes and be comfortable. He knows most of my faults, he knows my quirks, he knows my past, yet he is comfy. I don't shy away from his help, in fact he is one of the only people I actually ask for help from. His arms hold a peace and he knows how to get me to laugh when I am really down. He doesn't push my boundaries as other guys have when they showed interest in me and that is huge for me. While he does not know I may be having a bad day, he knows how to turn my day around. What is this?

Here I am, gushing like a little girl about a guy. It makes want to gag and dance all at the same time. Feelings are not something I like, but, in the words of The Band Perry, "he is hip to my heart". If this is something more than just a crush, I know we are in the beginning stages, but it seems that this is what people look for. Ideally you are supposed to marry your best friend right? This is so different from my crushes in the past, this is not awkward, it's not going past my boundaries, he does not pressure me or put me down. He jokes with me, makes me want to be kinder and improve myself so I am congruent with G-d's desires for how people should act. I want to be more outgoing and share everything about my day with him. I constantly want to let him know what's going on and hang out with him. This seems like how a true life-long relationship would/should start. Weirder still than all of my fears of relationships is my lack of fear now.

Times like this make me want to know if it is a waste of time to be so focused on a person. I want to know if I will ever get married. I want to meet my husband and start to get to know him. I want to know how G-d has planned my life and what life will be like. I do not want to be spending so much time thinking about boys (which I do not do often) if I am never going to get married because I could be focusing on school or something else. At the same time, I know G-d reveals all things on His time and it is fun to have the surprise of what G-d is bringing into my life. Still, I am frustrated not knowing if I am wasting my time because I cannot focus on anything. I think I may be falling for this boy, just a little...

Turnaround

I'm sorry to start on a negative note, but my day was terrible. For some reason I had the bright idea to work on a Friday along with my normal Sunday shift. Note to self: NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!! First of all, I was on the behavior unit which means there are a bunch of people who do not speak English or they wander or they need a lot of attention. Second, the CNA working with me was having a life crisis and was not there for the majority of the day. Needless to say, one new girl with 15-16 residents - who require a lot more work than two people can handle - was not a good situation. I am totally fine with people needing to be gone to talk or take care of business or whatever, but I need someone else there with me! I was just a bit frazzled.

This story ends well I promise...

Anyway, I come home and was expecting to go play outside. Yes, I am a college student who goes to play outside with her friends (for the third consecutive night in a row). But they were not playing outside, so I texted my friend. Somehow I end up going to a friend's room and asked him for a hug because I had such a bad day. He thinks I'm nuts because I always fight it when he tries to give me a hug because I do not like being touched or close to people. So he gives me a hug (and will not stop talking about it with everyone because it is so out of my character) and I feel better. I actually feel great! We got a big group of friends together and played volleyball outside and I got to chatter on about all the random stuff that popped into my head. This too is uncommon for me, usually I am super quiet. So my day ended well.

I don't know what is happening to me though! I lived in a suite with three other girls and always wanted to be alone. Then, when I moved, I was totally content only seeing my friends for meals, well, just for dinner. Now, all of a sudden, I crave human interaction on a very steady basis. This is driving me nuts because I don't get anything done! I guess I am just going to have to develop a balance between almost living with my friends and getting schoolwork done when I don't have to work. Gosh, this is going to be tough...

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friend's hug, volleyball, a warm day without direct sun contact making playing ball easier, the CNA's that worked with me today, the fact that I have a job (a CNA job), and for my car.

Shabbat Shalom everyone! I even said it at the right time this time!!!

Oh golly, I forgot to tell you I made a new friend at work. He is studying to be a pastor and working in the food service area of the facility. We met at orientation and he is super nice. It's a wonder I make friends with how timid and awkward I am, but G-d provides companionship regardless of how silly I am.

Weird Week

When comparing my week with friends, we discovered that most (if not all) people I talked to had a weird week and no one can explain or understand why it seemed weird. I totally don't understand it at all. Alas, this week is over though! Please forgive me if "alas" is not the proper word there, I am trying to expand my vocabulary and cannot seem to make my new words fit into the proper places, but hey, I am trying.

Have you watched Duck Dynasty? Yes, that was a rather abrupt topic change, but I am exhausted and also made the mistake of drinking two sweet teas from Chick-fil-a. Me, the girl who can hardly handle the sugar in a sucker because it makes me hyper, had TWO sweet teas. All of that sugar is making me crazy! I bet there is caffeine in the tea too to add to my sudden odd hyperness even though I am also very sleepy and ready for bed. Anyway, back to Duck Dynasty, it is hilarious! I love the episode where Willie's daughter starts dating this new boy so the Willie and his dad or his brother take the kid hunting and try to intimidate him. I would love if my dad did that! I think it would be hilarious and it would also test the kid's motive a bit more, but it may also be considered threatening so that may not be so good. But definitely watch the show, it's good to release pent up stress hormones and laugh at these hilarious guys.

I had a great day though! We played football again and made more new friends. Then we went to Chick-fil-a, my favorite fast food place (because I do not eat much fast food) instead of the on campus cafeteria. I did not have any tests today and English went by surprisingly fast which is awesome because I love my teacher, but I get so lost in the discussions our class has that I zone out 74.3% of the time. By then, the teacher is calling on me for input and I look like a fool because I don't understand what's going on. I am a science major. I like math. I LOVE complex problems when there is a definate way to get to the solution. English is not my forte because you have to think outside the box. I don't do "outside the box" because my brain does not function that way. I am very left-brained.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends, this beautiful weather that is sticking around, the weekend, a B on one of my anatomy tests, an awesome chem lab partner, Chick-fil-a, and for football. Even though I had a strange week and took three tests, I had a great time. It's that simple, I am thankful for life.

Oh, and it turns out I did get sunburned yesterday, it just didn't show up until today... I can't remember if I had already written about my sunburn because I am having a really hard time with remembering things today. I was talking with a friend during football and we were comparing our days. I asked her when she went to lunch, which she proceeded to tell me about. About 10 minutes into that conversation, we realized - at the same time - that we had gone to lunch together! I don't know what's up but it is driving me nuts because everyone I talk to is exhausted but antsy to do something, and no one can seem to remember anything today. Plus, everyone has the giggles for no reason. We will just be sitting around laughing because everyone else is laughing but no one knows what we are laughing at. Maybe we were drugged... Doubt it. But what is going on? At least it is providing a bunch of laughs in the meantime so it's not so bad.

Another Milestone

I know these are small milestones, but they make me really happy. Are you ready for it? We reached 200 page views!!! Thank you viewers for taking time to read my blog or even just visit for a short time, I appreciate it.

Oh It's Beautiful!!!

Has spring sprung for anyone else out there? Where I am is gorgeous! It is even gorgeous enough to make a girl like me, who is sooooo not sports inclined, to play football with my friends. In the process of that, I made a whole bunch of friends with random people that decided they would like to come and join our party. Oh man, I had a blast! I can now even throw an adult sized football about 20 feet and catch one from like 50 feet. Dude, my toss even has a good spiral and usually makes it to the person. Plus, I learned how to catch more than 75% of the throws that were coming my way. Ah, nothing better than playing football to celebrate being done with one week of tests. It finally feels like I am in college, I don't know why it has taken so long to sink in.

By the way, I got a B on my anatomy test. Not what I was hoping for, but definately better than what I thought I was going to get so praise the L-rd!

Daily Thanksgiving: I have so much I am thankful for today, and every day, but especially today. Football, good grades on tests (compared to the class average), friends, sunshine, spring, and a million other things that I cannot think of right now because I am super pumped from football and sunshine. I didn't even burn even though we were outside for over 2 hours. Amazing day!

For those of you who can get outside while it is a decent temperature and sunny, definitely do. I heard (and read) that vitamin D helps with depression and I certainly believe that it has helped get me out of my funk that I have been in for a couple months now. That plus the hormones released when you are with people you like to be with and the hormones that are avoided by having all the good hormones for good moods flowing through your body really helps shake off winter. Sunshine is a plus so get some friends and have a blast outside in the sun.

Another random little tid-bit about myself... I have a bunch of songs stuck in my head, but mainly "Cry With You" by Hunter Hayes. I am not sure why it is stuck in my head, because I have not listened to country (or secular) music for about a month now. Well, not consciously on my own Pandora or radio, maybe through friends. But still, we did not listen to any of his music. In fact, we usually listen to the Disney Pandora station because it is clean and makes us happy to think about being children again. Oh, if life were just simpler...

One of Those Days

Today is just one of those weird kind of days. The simplicity theme has been running through my head, I had two anatomy tests, went to a school function (so out of the ordinary for me), and it got weirder but I don't know why it seems weird. My tests were so hard! I was not expecting these types of tests. My teacher is changing it up from what he had been doing all year long, until now, and I think I may have bombed it. My lab anatomy test was not so bad, but I did not know the material enough for the test despite the 6-8 hours I spent studying with my friend and talking through everything. Oh this class may just kill my nursing college career before I even get into the program! The school function was like a Ms. United States or something, but just for our school. I went to support my friend who, unfortunately, got let go after the first round. My friends were saying it was because there were really strong sorority ties with most of the contestants and she is not in a sorority, but I am not sure.

Do you ever have those days were everything just seems a little off? Do you ever have those days were you are like: "Golly, I look so adorable today!"? Or do you have the days where it's a wonder people look at you in the face at all? Well, it is one of the "I can't believe I have friends with the way I dress and look" kind of days for me. It's a wonder guys ever even look at me as more than a friend because I never wear make-up, dress cute, or do anything that typical girls do to get attention from guys. I'm not even looking for guys' attention. Really, I'm not.

That brings me to my next though... Everyone seems to be pairing up. What's up with that? For some reason it seems that by the time the snow stops and spring is around the corner couples start popping up all over the place. A few of my friends have crushes on others and do not plan on telling their crush about it until summer which is very wise and I appreciate them keeping the group drama free for awhile longer. But more of my friends are in budding relationships and I had no idea when they began because they just sprout up over night and I get sooooooooo confused. What is it about spring? This situation is not good for my cynicism at all. It is coming back in full swing like cancer eating away at my life. That may have seemed dramatic, but it doesn't even fully describe the craziness going on in my head and heart right now.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that two of my tests are done. I had a great day, weird, but good. I got to spend a lot of time with my friends and even though my friends did not win the contest, we still had a lot of group bonding over preparation for the competition. Most of all, I am glad this day is done and the L-rd has preserved me for another day. He keeps me safe and steady in the palm of His hand.

Midwifery Movies

So, I mentioned in my last post or a few posts ago (I forget) that I had watched some movies about midwifery. They are actually documentaries and very interesting. I found both of them on Netflix, hopefully they are still there. My favorite one is "The Business of Being Born" and the other is "Born In America". Both of them are great and I think the first is my favorite because I watched it first and tend to be biased towards my "original" discoveries.

*Disclaimer: These movies are inappropriate for children (and even some adults) because they do actually show women in birth... as they are. Yes, this means full-on birthday suits galore.

These movies taught me a lot about the processes of birth and how our perception of birth has evolved. I encourage you to watch them and form your own opinion. These documentaries are great, not only for showing what midwifery is, but also to get the audience (hopefully you) to think about how healthcare has evolved and if it has really evolved for the better.

It's Simple Really

Walking back from chem today, I started thinking to myself about anatomy and how simple it really is, as long as you have someone making the information understandable and relatable. Nearly everything in life is simple, once you break it down. Mountains are just rocks, the ocean is kinda just a HUGE lake, college is school (of coarse). Dating is hanging out with a friend, getting to know them better. It's also like an extended interview to see if you would want to live with that person, attached in a covenant for the rest of your lives. Marriage is simply the before mentioned covenant and an extended sleep-over. Babysitting is playing house... with real live kids. "Liking" someone is the initial stage of dating, obviously. And I'm sure you can come up with more examples that are way better. Life is simple.

When life begins to get complicated is when we insert ourselves, our feelings, our desires and our pasts into the basic plan of life and the related events. As we step into a new phase of life, we often begin to over-think or under-think. We may be unable to let go of our past while others forget about their past and live the same events over and over. Sometimes we are scared of what is up ahead so we take a detour and remain in our same location. Others of us take all the leaps they can and may be better or worse for the wear. It all depends on who you are as a person. Personally speaking, I am an over-thinker, unable to let go of my past who takes the detours to remain in my present state (most of the time) all because of fear. Sometimes I do under-think, take leaps and forget my past so I relive some troubles. Do I regret this? No. No matter what, G-d brings me through the obstacles, the seasons of learning and the foolish mistakes I make. Because of these things, who I am most of the time and who I am when I try spontaneity (btw, it's not a good look on me), G-d uses it all to mold me into who He needs me to be. I am grateful that the past is behind me and that my future is ahead. I am even more thankful that G-d is in my past, He is with me now, and He will be always beside me in the future. Because of Him, my life is relatively simple... until I insert myself into the life events without taking a second glance at what He would like me to do.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful I did not fall asleep during chem today, I nearly did because I went to bed at 1 a.m. only to get up a 8 a.m. This daylight savings time deal is really handy for letting me have a quiet day at work, but when it comes to my motivation after being so sleep deprived, I'm not a fan. I am thankful for my family who called me last night. I love talking to them and it is so nice to be reminded that they are thinking of me as I think of them. Last night, I talked with my dad (because everyone else was asleep by then) and it was so good to hear his voice. I am such a daddy's girl. (The song All-American Girl by Carrie Underwood is quite similar to my life. So is Who I Am by Jessica Andrews.)

Random Sidebar: It's the strangest thing, but my guy friends keep talking about their kids and getting married. I am still at a point in my life where I cannot even comprehend the fact that I no longer live with my parents, but the guys are planning how many kids, what genders they want when, thinking about their wife during pregnancy, etc. I am just dumbfounded by their complete honesty and the level of thought they have put into their future families. I am also astounded by the fact that they would share these things with me. I have had dreams of being pregnant, but they usually come after watching my midwifery documentaries. Man, if only I had that contraction machine so I could watch them go through labor... maybe then they would not be planning to have 6 children without having talked with their future wives first. Gosh, that little rant turned weird quickly...

Daylight Savings Time

The fact that an hour is gained in the fall because of daylight savings time is great! Don't you love that extra hour of sleep you get when part way through the beginning of a school year? The beauty of everyone on time, or even early, and actually awake at Sunday morning church was so delightful. Then, when we forget all about the hour we gained in the fall, it is snatched away from us in the spring. Just as light begins to appear as I am arriving at work (at 6:30 in the morning), someone decides to go and take that beauty away from me to give me another hour of cold, darkness in the morning. There is one upside to this however, whether working in an elderly care facility or in childcare, those you are taking care of will be so sleepy they sleep ALL day!!! Ya, I had a great day because everyone was asleep, or so sleepy they didn't want to do anything but sit and listen to music. Ah, the serenity caused by something that seems to only take sleep away from me. I loved it!

On the school scene: I spend a solid 4-5 hours in the library with my friend studying for anatomy. Guys, I finally think I am beginning to understand this stuff! I am so glad I went to study with her because she actually explained things to me so I could learn, remember and understand the material. Who knew anatomy could be understood? Anyway, I am praying for good grades on these next two tests. That's right, two anatomy tests in one day. Lovely. Then, the day after that, I take a psych test that I will be nowhere near ready for because I am studying for anatomy. Oh well, I believe G-d will provide a way for me to get good grades, or at least the grades He wants for me.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am very thankful for the amazing day at work today. I actually feel like I am beginning to be slightly competent as a CNA. I am also very glad for the daylight savings time drowsiness that kept all of the residents calm today. I am thankful for my friends, my true friends, that I have made. It is crazy that I have been so close to them in space, but never gotten to know them until I moved out on my own. G-d has blessed me incredibly. Also, I am thankful for my new friend who has taught me anatomy for my upcoming tests. While it is still a work in progress, she is helping me to slowly work through the information instead of putting it all aside while I freak out in a corner (yes, I do this). G-d is allowing me to not stress about the things that normally have me worried sick.

Blessed is the L-rd who provides all things as He see's fit.

The Return of Cynicism

Y'all, I don't know if it is a mineral imbalance, or a hormonal imbalance, or just general mental problems but my cynicism is returning with a vengeance! For a few months I have been more hopeful than normal, I have tolerated romantic movies and country music fairly well, but not any longer. Maybe it is because I quit watching and listening to all of those things cold-turkey, or maybe my depression is returning. So many things could be causing this, but it is quite unfortunate and quite annoying that I cannot control my own thinking.

For those of you that do not know what cynicism (because I did not know until a few weeks ago, even though several people have told me I am cynical), here is the definition according to www.thefreedictionary.com: " An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others."

What caused me to be this way in the first place? I am not sure. Maybe it was all of the people whom I trusted as friends that turned out to not be my friend. It could be from me learning that I cannot trust people for anything, no matter the circumstance. Perhaps I am just paranoid, though it seems there should be a cause... I am just not sure. So, in the meantime, I am working on it. Does anyone else struggle with general distrust of EVERYONE? Do you have any tips for me?

Moving on: I went to an RA meeting/group observance thing today. It was kind of strange because they split us up into big groups of 16 or so, then observe us as we work together in a group to accomplish tasks. This requires a significant amount of ability to be heard and to speak up. Haha, I do not necessarily have these qualities. I do have good ideas, I am just not so good at knowing when others will stop talking so I can share them because I was taught to not talk over people because it is rude. L-rd willing, my proper manners will not get in the way of an RA job. But, again, that depends on whether G-d wants me to be an RA or not.

Daily Thanksgiving: The RA meeting thing ended 3 hours early, just like I had prayed for it to end! It's crazy the ways G-d answers prayers! Absolutely amazing. I got to spend time with my friends just being able to do nothing but talk and watch silly YouTube videos. I love Shabbat. Than reminds me... Shabbat Shalom!

Friday, Friday, Gotta Get Down On Friday!

*The title should be said/sung to the tune of the Friday song

No, I'm not a fan of the song, but it popped into my head when I was trying to decide a title for today's post so there it is.

Not much happened today. I didn't have class so I slept in (until 6:30 this morning), got breakfast with my friend which grew into a 6 person party. I studied, hung out, studied, went to EI (stands for extra instruction, some new thing my A&P teacher is trying out). Came back to my dorm and ... wait for it... studied. Yet, in all of the studying, it does not feel like I accomplished much of anything. Does anyone else ever feel that way? It is quite an unfortunate feeling really, but it's my fault. At least I am beginning to work toward studying smarter and not harder.

By the way, my friends just turned me onto a great way to take notes so that you study as you go through the week. If you use legal notepads, then transfer and organize your notes into an actual notebook, you read over them and focus on them more than just putting them into a notebook and forgetting about them. I am sure most of you already knew that trick, but I thought it was nifty and I wish I would have known about it sooner!

On the friend front: I am learning that I do not pay great attention to my friends personal and dating lives outside of the time I already spend with them. One friend has been in a budding relationship for a few weeks and I just found out today. Of course, this goes hand-in-hand with my anti-gossip policy that has been newly established, but it is not gossip if I talk to the actual person to find out what is going on in their lives, is it? That is just being friendly and caring about them as an entire person with their own individual life. Also, my friend that may like me probably won't reveal it for awhile. G-d is answering my prayer for that so I can breathe easy and relax... as far as that is concerned. As far as my other stresses, they are still coming but G-d is teaching me to focus on today and not the future worries of my life and the world.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so grateful for G-d putting great friends into my life that make me laugh constantly. I truly do love them so very much, even though they curse and do stuff just to get me to react, I really enjoy handing out with them. Plus, everyone seems to poke at my buttons because there is a lot of stuff that I react to and I think it's funny anyway. I love that my friends are comfortable enough with me to poke fun at me, and I am able to TRY to poke fun at them. Unfortunately, I am not so good at teasing because I am a slow thinker, but they are good sports and laugh anyway at my many failed attempts. I am thankful for a day to study and the opportunity to finally make it to an EI session for anatomy.

Strange Week

Is anyone else having a bad or - at the very least - strange week? I have been talking to my friends and they all had awful weeks. One friend failed an exam, another one forgot she was supposed to work tonight, and the list goes on. These are not end-of-the-world type events, but they are definitely wreaking  havoc on my friends' emotions and well-being. What is going on here? I have had several days this week were I just wanted to give up and break down all at the same time. Is it just because we have tests coming up and we are all fried from almost a year of school? Does it have to do with the moon or barometer changes? Today, we had gorgeous weather and lots of sunshine. In the time it takes to walk to all of our classes, we should have gotten sufficient vitamin D. Perhaps we have not allowed it to sink in yet. Another possibility of our off week could be the fact that we are all stir crazy and also homesick. With the spring weather coming at us, it seems about time we are completely finished with school and able to be back with our families. Of coarse, we still have two and a half months to go, but hopefully it will go by quickly and smoothly. I need this year to be over soon, but I also need good grades!

Daily Thanksgiving: It occurred to me that I may have forgotten to do my daily thanksgiving a couple days ago, so I will just do a bunch today as usual in hopes of averaging that out. Today, I am thankful for a really smart, and ridiculously funny chem lab partner. I am so very grateful for the new friends I am making and their ability to hold a conversation without me so I can sit back and observe. Dinner was really good, we went to a restaurant on campus and it was such a good choice! I turned in my RA application on time. My mom got her belated birthday card (because I forgot to bring it home last weekend). She said it made her cry, which turns out to be a good thing in this case. The text she sent me telling me about her response to the card, however, made me tear up during anatomy... Hopefully no one was looking at me, but what she said was so kind and something I really needed to hear/read. I am thankful that I do not have class on Friday, nor do I have to work tomorrow. I get an entire day to study! I am grateful for my private room and the peace I now live in all of the time. When I am not experiencing peace, it is because I am allowing my head to get in the way. Do you think that was enough thanksgivings to even any missed days out? I sure hope so.

Also, I would like to challenge you guys, as individuals, to begin thinking of your own daily thanksgivings. Even when I am having a hard day, it helps to not dwell on the negative, but to focus on what went right that day. I would love to read about your thanksgivings no matter how strange or random they are! Feel free to post below, or on any comment really. You could even send it to my email if you would like. Let's share what G-d is doing in our lives and build each other up!

Another Blog

So this is a blog from a CNM (certified nurse-midwife) that is no longer being written, but is still funny just to read when you get a chance. Check out A Midwife's Tale.

Men In Labor

I thought this was funny, seeing as I would like to ultimately be a midwife. I think it's neat that the guys at least tried it. Someday, this would be a great Chanukah present for me if I get my own practice! Somehow, I believe it would help the husbands/significant others of the laboring women to understand what helped them during contractions, that way they would know how to better assist during the woman's labor.

An F!

Guys, I got my first F... EVER! It was on a chem quiz, which will be dropped, but it is still disheartening to discover I got 11/20 on a quiz.

Now, do y'all ever have those days where one bad thing sets off other bad things? Or one bad thing causes a sad/bad day so everything seems to go wrong because you are thinking of everything in a  half-empty kinda way? Ya, this was one of those days. A&P was alright, English was okay (we just got like a million assignments though), then I donated platelets. Those things were all just okay. Then I go to A&P lab, which set off my sadness again. In reality, it is more of a frustration that I have gotten so many bad grades, which leads to a fear of how I will do on my next two A&P tests (both on Tuesday, by the way). I have been told that we make our own grades depending on how hard we work, and I agree with that. It does not keep me from worrying though because I seem to be in a really bad way when it comes to studying lately. Worrying causes me to think about all the verses telling me to not worry, but that does not stop me from freaking out either. After lab I called my mom and nearly lost it. I was crying on my end, which I do not like to do, but I do not think she knew that. Now, I am sitting here on my bed wondering if my latest difficult season is because my depression is coming back for another season. Then I figure I can't be depressed if I know I'm depressed, but I am not sure that is sound logic...

I just need some oxytocin. Just a little hug or something! I have heard smiling releases endorphins so I have been smiling and laughing a lot with my friends, but that just seems to defer the sadness that comes swooping in the moment I am alone. Then I think I am just being negative so I start thinking of my thanksgivings. That tends to help because pretty soon I am asleep. Bringing one more day to a close just causes another to begin again, restarting the cycle again. I don't know what to do. Okay, I just thought about it. I will pray and ask the Creator of me, Ad-nai, to restore my brokenness. I want to tell one of my friends, but this is something I need G-d to do. Perhaps this sad season is because He is drawing me back to Himself by allowing me to know the hurt when He is not the center of my life.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I found a platelet donation place near to campus at the hospital I want to work at. Through today's donation, G-d has provided me with a lot of information about possible employment there. I am thankful for my mom answering my phone calls (I call her a lot!), and for my family's support. I am also very grateful that my brother talked to me on the phone today and was so very kind. Lately, it seemed as though a big rift was beginning to form between us because he does not like me and would not let me "in". Today's phone call was refreshing because I got to experience the brother I remember and not the one who is very, very upset with me.

Eye Contact

I have written twice already today, with this being my third post, but I just keep thinking about stuff. Maybe this is making up for all the days I missed over my extended weekend.

Any-who, I have thinking about eye contact more and more because of interviews, friendships and so on. Why is eye contact so uncomfortable? The other person cannot really see deep into your soul. Emotions are played out on the face and through body language, not just through eyes. Eyes, are simple really, just a cornea, lens, retina and some goo in-between layers. That's it! Not much to eyes.

Why is it, then, that it is foreign to make eye contact for so many? I am first on the list, by the way, of people who despise it. For some reason, eye contact usually makes me blush. Even with my parents, brother, close friends, anyone really. I get squirmy and self conscious. Lately, however, I have become more comfortable with a few people and can actually look into their eyes and perceive an unspoken understanding. Not with very many people, mind you, but there are one or two who I actually find comfort in locking gazes with. The weirdest thing, though, is they actually know more of my story, my full story. I would have thought that with them knowing my shady past, the most intimate details of my life, I would be more self-conscious around them. Therefore, I would likely shy away from their glance. Quite the opposite is happening, however, and I am pleasantly surprised! I do not plan on sharing my story with many others, but just a few close friends can know (plus you guys, but I'm anonymous).

Do you have a theory as to why eye contact is so unnerving? Why is it easier to look into someone's eyes when they know more about you than most of your closest friends?

Blog Suggestions

For me, it is very interesting to be able to read about others' lives. Often on blogs, people share more than they normally would if they were ever to meet you, that is certainly true concerning this blog about my life. But I just wanted to share some blogs I have enjoyed.

1. AtYourCervix
2. RN: Real Newbie, a nurse's blog

These are just two, but this site has lists of other great nursing blogs. Plus, you can use a search engine to find a huge variety of other blogs. I have found some hilarious ones, but I have not kept track of them. There will likely be more to come, probably in the summer when I don't have so much going on. If you have any great blogs, feel free to share!

*Disclaimer: I do not agree with using "bad" words, curse words, G-d's name in vain, etc. Please forgive any such language in these blogs, I do not agree with it and apologize in advance if you are offended by it also. For the most part, the two blogs above do not use much/any inappropriate language. Also, there may be "graphic" imagery. Nothing too bad because there is only so much that can be said, but I also apologize if you do not approve of that type of content. We are nurses, nursing students, or usually in some form of health care related business. This subject matter is just a normal part of life for us, but I understand for many it may not be.

Been Away

I'm sorry I've been away for a few days. I got to go home! My mom's birthday was nice, we didn't do anything. Well, she had to work. She's a hairdresser, so she did my hair and she had a couple other clients. I had planned on cleaning the house for her present, that didn't work. I did make challah though and that was all I could give her. Why is it people get so hard to shop for? Why is it that we feel the need to buy something for every occasion? I want to be living back when Laura Ingalls was alive. Her family made stuff for each other. I do not recall her talking about birthday presents though. But they were working on presents for each other for months before Christmas (though I do not celebrate Christmas any longer), but they put so much thought and time into their gifts. That's how it should be!

Anyhow, my weekend was so nice and relaxing. I slept and thought about a lot and even told my mom about my friend maybe having a thing for me. She said she figured it would happen sooner or later. I love my friends, all of them. If you spend any length of time - even 5 seconds - talking to me, you are my friend and I will jump in front of a bullet for you. There are not many people that I do not like, and even then I would do anything to save your life, it doesn't matter. But I don't understand why my best friends (always guys) end up liking me. Am I coming off too nice? Like in a flirtatious way? I don't know. I don't even know what constitutes flirting. Then, what do I say if he asks me if I like him back? I do, but I'm not ready to date. And I won't be ready to date for a solid couple years, not until junior year at the soonest. Well, now it's closer to another year (wow, that went by quick!). So how do I explain to him that I am not ready without ruining our friendship? I cannot lose him like I lost C and I (see past story about this type of ordeal), it would break my heart and I may lose my other friends. I am praying that he does not ask me at all, but if he does I hope it is after school is over for the summer, that way we can both recover and avoid the awkwardness that is sure to ensue.

Despite my hard-core cynicism about everything, especially dating and marriage, I have opened a Pinterest account. For those of you that do not know what it is, it's a website for sharing creative stuff. Arts, crafts, food, decorating, and a million other things. There is even a wedding idea section. A year ago, I could not even go to my friends wedding because the thought of marriage made me cry... like a little girl... It's that ugly type of crying where you can't breathe because you are hyperventilating and about to die. Ya, that terrible, the world-is-ending, type of cry. Currently, however, I am planning my non-existent wedding. It's proving to be quite enjoyable, but highly unhealthy for me. Thus, leading to another dilemma and emotional hardships. Should I delete my Pinterest profile? Probably. Am I going to? Not yet. Normally, I would have hit rock bottom with my depression by now, but for some reason I have hope. I have hope that I may have a boyfriend in about a year or two. I hope that I may get engaged sometime my senior year or shortly after I graduate college. I am hoping that the plans I have for my non-existent wedding will actually get to be used in a few years. This is really dangerous. My high-on-life is all riding on easily shattered hopes for a future when I believe there is a good chance, a very likely possibility, that I will not live to see these things play out in my life. Perhaps they will happen, just the way I hope they do. Maybe they will happen, but on a different time-scale. Still, in my heart I am saddened by the realization that none of this will happen for me at all. I know it is all dependent on G-D's plans for my life, for He knows best what to do and when. But does that keep me from wondering and hoping my plans are His plans? Does it even save my heart from the impending heart-ache sure to come soon? Unfortunately, these are both answered with huge, resounding no's.

Let's switch gears here and mention daily thanksgivings, shall we? I am thankful I did nothing this weekend. I am thankful that I was able to go home for my mom's birthday. I am also thankful that work went well yesterday. I am still slow, but slowly getting faster. G-d is good. He is merciful. He is kind. He is my Rock and the only way that I can live each day.