I apologize to you all for being out of touch for so long. I am currently living with some friends in the country and I do not have access to internet until I come into town for class, which is only two nights a week.
So far, microbiology is a blast... I've only been through one class session and one lab though. Does it get tougher? My professor seems really smart and fairly, which is an excellent combination for me! I have already made friends in my class and in lab! It's crazy to think back to when I started college and my heart would race and I would get so anxious just seeing my school. Now, I am making pals in the first few minutes of being in class. Figuring out an entirely new, and very different campus, is very difficult though, let me tell you. I only got lost 4 times in the first 20 minutes of being here and I still don't know where to park. Fortunately, I had gotten to campus 3 hours before my class and wasn't late to lecture or lab.
I was talking with one of the ladies that I'm staying with though, and she asked why I didn't have a boyfriend. I explained it to her and she totally understood because her daughter has the same issue: we are focused exclusively on school right now. So, it was the first time that I had been reaffirmed-and not judged-for choosing to not be tethered to another human at this point in my life. What a breath of fresh air. Why do we even have to get married anyway? I know that it is all for reproducing, but is that the whole point of life? Surely this can't be it. It seems strange that life would simply occur just for people to get married, have children, and carry on human life. I know that we are here to give G-d glory, but I am still struggling with the purpose of everything. If we are just here to procreate, why go to school? School is only here to increase knowledge in order to give you a better chance of getting a job. You get a job to make money. You make money to support yourself and offspring (if you have them). So, what's the point of it all? Life is so simple, but in the midst of all this simplicity, everything gets so very complicated.
More to come later.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have wonderful friends to stay with. I enjoy my class and I am actually looking forward to all of the curriculum. The HESI is on Tuesday and so I am almost done stressing about getting into nursing school (for just a little bit).
Friday, May 31, 2013
Thoughtful Thursday! “What Is There To Discuss…?”
Thoughtful Thursday! “What Is There To Discuss…?”
Someday, this will be me. I want to enforce what the mother desires for her birth, not force her into some unnecessary procedures or medicines just to keep life easier on me.
Someday, this will be me. I want to enforce what the mother desires for her birth, not force her into some unnecessary procedures or medicines just to keep life easier on me.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Graduation
I am one proud sister. My brother graduated from high school! He is so tall he was towering over all of his classmates and we found him in the sea of everyone draped in the same gowns hundreds of yards away.
We are so very blessed to both be out of high school. Seeing as my brother and I are only 17 months apart, we have always done things fairly close together. Fortunately, that makes it possible for us to be fairly close pals... much of the time. Of course, we do get into a lot of fights, but those are beginning to stop! I had such a fantastic week with my brother. We played Frisbee, went to the park, went to the movies and did all sorts of stuff! Plus, when it was just us at home, we just joked around and talked.
L-rd willing, he will get into my university. Then, L-rd willing, we will be able to find an apartment to live in together and be able to afford life. Right now, I am freaking out because I have no concrete plans for next year. Funny thing though, is that G-d keeps letting my life be up in the air. Whether it is not knowing if I am going to be in nursing school, to not knowing where I will be working, I don't know what is going on! Not to mention who I will be living with or where we will be. Life seems to be falling apart. But, this happens a lot with me, and I think it may be because G-d is trying to break my worrying habits and the fact that I try to control everything and plan ahead for everything. He is teaching me to rely on Him. For some reason, I fail to completely rely on Him for my whole life. He gets me through some really tough situation, then I go back to trying to control the future. Folks, life doesn't work that way.
Still, through these struggles and lessons, G-d bestows wisdom on those willing to learn. Something occurred to me today: I would rather have the pain of wisdom than the ease of ignorance. That phrase popped into my head today during shul. I think it was a G-d thought.
The reason I say wisdom is pain, is because to get wisdom, you have to go through tough things in life. You have to experience rough patches or you have to learn from watching others go through difficult situations. I believe Solomon talked about how difficult it is to have wisdom because you understand the sad, angering, ridiculous things that happen in this life and sometimes why they happened. For me, wisdom is very important, but it is also frustrating for me because I replay what could have happened. At the same time, this is encouraging because I have helped so many people around me through their troubles. Not only do they survive the ordeal, but they succeed and they learn through the experience. To me, I would rather have the pains of wisdom than the ease and comfort of not knowing at all. Do you have any input on this? To me, ignorance is not bliss. It may seem like bliss at one point, but eventually reality catches up with everyone and slaps them in the face. So, why not just learn as much as possible in the first place and gain as much knowledge and wisdom as possible.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d does not give up on me, or on any of us. He gives us wisdom and allows us to learn from our mistakes. He is also so very patient and gracious. My brother graduated and applied to my college. I have an amazing brother and we are beginning to get along. He is probably my closest friend and the only person I am closer to on earth is my mom. G-d has blessed me with a cute dog, a great brother, loving mom and dad and many, many friends.
We are so very blessed to both be out of high school. Seeing as my brother and I are only 17 months apart, we have always done things fairly close together. Fortunately, that makes it possible for us to be fairly close pals... much of the time. Of course, we do get into a lot of fights, but those are beginning to stop! I had such a fantastic week with my brother. We played Frisbee, went to the park, went to the movies and did all sorts of stuff! Plus, when it was just us at home, we just joked around and talked.
L-rd willing, he will get into my university. Then, L-rd willing, we will be able to find an apartment to live in together and be able to afford life. Right now, I am freaking out because I have no concrete plans for next year. Funny thing though, is that G-d keeps letting my life be up in the air. Whether it is not knowing if I am going to be in nursing school, to not knowing where I will be working, I don't know what is going on! Not to mention who I will be living with or where we will be. Life seems to be falling apart. But, this happens a lot with me, and I think it may be because G-d is trying to break my worrying habits and the fact that I try to control everything and plan ahead for everything. He is teaching me to rely on Him. For some reason, I fail to completely rely on Him for my whole life. He gets me through some really tough situation, then I go back to trying to control the future. Folks, life doesn't work that way.
Still, through these struggles and lessons, G-d bestows wisdom on those willing to learn. Something occurred to me today: I would rather have the pain of wisdom than the ease of ignorance. That phrase popped into my head today during shul. I think it was a G-d thought.
The reason I say wisdom is pain, is because to get wisdom, you have to go through tough things in life. You have to experience rough patches or you have to learn from watching others go through difficult situations. I believe Solomon talked about how difficult it is to have wisdom because you understand the sad, angering, ridiculous things that happen in this life and sometimes why they happened. For me, wisdom is very important, but it is also frustrating for me because I replay what could have happened. At the same time, this is encouraging because I have helped so many people around me through their troubles. Not only do they survive the ordeal, but they succeed and they learn through the experience. To me, I would rather have the pains of wisdom than the ease and comfort of not knowing at all. Do you have any input on this? To me, ignorance is not bliss. It may seem like bliss at one point, but eventually reality catches up with everyone and slaps them in the face. So, why not just learn as much as possible in the first place and gain as much knowledge and wisdom as possible.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d does not give up on me, or on any of us. He gives us wisdom and allows us to learn from our mistakes. He is also so very patient and gracious. My brother graduated and applied to my college. I have an amazing brother and we are beginning to get along. He is probably my closest friend and the only person I am closer to on earth is my mom. G-d has blessed me with a cute dog, a great brother, loving mom and dad and many, many friends.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Beauty of Summer School
Life was good just a few hours ago. Then, I get a call from my friend about our summer microbiology course. It turns out that we were signed up for micro at a campus far from the campus we had signed up for the course at. Long story short, I will have a 45 minute to an hour long drive from the place I am staying at this summer to my summer course instead of a 20 minute drive. We had even physically gone down to the campus we wanted to attend in order to sign up, but we were signed up for another course. We are all human and all make mistakes, but it doesn't make this any less frustrating. Now the campus that we want to be at does not have any seats open and we may not even be able to be on a wait-list. Plus, if I get into this other course, I will miss the first 4 Monday classes and labs because I may be in work, unless G-d can allow my manager to let me have those days off even though I am already scheduled.
What was I thinking trying to take a summer class? This whole ordeal has proved to be nothing but difficulty after difficulty. I was also told to turn in the wrong tax year information and so there is a good chance I will not get financial aid...
Oy vey! Yes, this phrase is usually meant for more traumatic occasions, but I am at my wits end with schooling. What was I thinking even trying to go to college in he first place? They make it so difficult!
In other news, I found out that my rabbi was a biology major before he became a rabbi. He told me this on Shabbat when he was catching up with me about my schooling. It's interesting how people don't talk to you until after you leave for extended periods of time. Then, all of a sudden they feel the need to have these long, in-depth conversations every time you return. I'm not much for social interaction of any kind, but I do little social experiments on my own to pass the time. This was one such observation/study I have begun recently. I'll keep y'all updated.
What was I thinking trying to take a summer class? This whole ordeal has proved to be nothing but difficulty after difficulty. I was also told to turn in the wrong tax year information and so there is a good chance I will not get financial aid...
Oy vey! Yes, this phrase is usually meant for more traumatic occasions, but I am at my wits end with schooling. What was I thinking even trying to go to college in he first place? They make it so difficult!
In other news, I found out that my rabbi was a biology major before he became a rabbi. He told me this on Shabbat when he was catching up with me about my schooling. It's interesting how people don't talk to you until after you leave for extended periods of time. Then, all of a sudden they feel the need to have these long, in-depth conversations every time you return. I'm not much for social interaction of any kind, but I do little social experiments on my own to pass the time. This was one such observation/study I have begun recently. I'll keep y'all updated.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Been Away
Wow, I logged in this morning and there were viewers from all around the world in my little stats column. I want to say there were about 5-6 other countries besides the US which is just amazing to me! Plus, we've surpassed 900 pageviews which makes me so happy!!!
What's up Washington and Utah! How are y'all doing? Russia, Malaysia, Germany, Argentina, Brazil, Venezuela and America, it's nice to see you checking in! How is everyone doing?
Sorry I've not been posting anything lately. It turns out that I am extremely busy when I come home from college and I just plain forget to keep y'all in the loop. I plan on changing that and this post will likely be very long...
First of all, I would like to add something to my advice the the older me:
13) Set and enforce boundaries. They need to be put in place in order to make sure you stay safe and do not get walked on. Other peoples feelings are important, but you cannot control how they feel or react to your boundaries and you must be aware of that. Make sure that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries to protect yourself and your sanity, then enforce them in a loving way.
Next, I have some good news. (Sorry about the elementary school writing today-the first, next, etc-I'm just keeping all my information spread out in case you need to take a few sittings to read this ever-growing post.) The good news is that I got an 86% on my anatomy final, which I thought would secure a solid B in the class. G-d had other plans, however. He got my an A-! Last semester I was distraught at the idea that I would not get a 4.0 gpa because I got an A- in this same class last semester too. This semester though, I am so very happy that my gpa is not going to drop further! I was sure I was also going to get a B+ or A- in chem, but the L-rd got me an A in chem. Praise the L-rd! He is getting me amazing grades even though I didn't think I would get them and it was all Him because I did not work as hard as I should have this semester.
Also, my guy friend and I talked a little bit. I am so glad that he brings the feelings and stuff up, because I really am not good at talking about feelings. It was a good talk. We discussed what has been going on and where we are headed. He said he would treat me right if we ever begin dating and I completely believe him. I mentioned my boundaries and he is totally respectful of them. I also mentioned it could be 3-7 years (huge span I know) before I could begin to even conceive of myself getting in a relationship, he respected that too and said he would wait. After feeling like I have just been used by all the guys that have shown interest in me in the past, it is so strange to know that he cherishes me. He does not speak inappropriately to me, he listens to me and is honest with me when I ask for advice. Though I have not dated anyone-and I am very glad I have not!-the qualities he possesses will be qualities that girls need to look for. He holds open doors, lets me speak my mind, and he tries to learn about me. Even my beliefs about G-d, the Bible, and the Holy Days/holidays I celebrate; he is trying to learn about it all! I pray that I do not break his heart, because we do not know if we will even work out at the end of my schooling of 3-7 years, but I have told him that he can date others and we will reassess when I am finished, if need be. For now, we are in a pleasant zone between friends and dating. I don't know how long this will be pleasant for us. Perhaps there will be major shifting sometime down the road and we will decide we are not right for each other far before my schooling is completed. Currently, however, I am satisfied and comfortable knowing that he knows my desires for dating, some of my boundaries, and my timescale. He is so very respectful, I am having a hard time believing our talk went so well, mainly because I tend to royally screw things up.
Finally, I want to tell you about my brother. All this year he has been perplexing to me. I would walk in the door after being gone at school for a month and he would tell me to go home (he meant back to school). He did not like me or be very nice to me and we would fight so much. Then, about a week or two ago, he texted me letting me know he was applying to my college. This was surprising because he had already applied to the community college near our parents home and he was planning on staying at home with them to finish up his prereques for school. Now, he is applying to my school and asking to move in with me when I get an apartment. Since I have gotten home this last week, we have been hanging out and talking about how we would furnish the apartment, if he gets into my university. We went to lunch yesterday and we talked like old friends. This relationship with my brother is what I missed to very much this last year. I had given it to G-d and accepted that my brother may never speak to me again. Then G-d turned my brother's heart back to accepting me. We have not had a fight since I have been home (which is rare for us to go this long), and he is kind to me without expecting me to do anything for him in return. For this, my heart is so very joyful.
Daily Thanksgivings: I was able to go to shul on Saturday for Shavuot (more on this holiday later). I got an A- in anatomy!!! I am finished with school. My brother graduates high school on friday, he's getting so big... My brother is being very kind and treating me like a comrad, instead of an enemy. My guy friend initiated another feelings talk and it went very well. I am home. The pain I received from the email I received from my former roommate is subsiding substantially. I have likely lost her friendship, which I understand because I was unable to warn her earlier, but all of this is for the best and G-d is calming my heart. He is taking my burden of worry, stress, guilt and unrighteous anger from me.
Praise the L-rd! My cup runneth over.
1 Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxieties upon Him because He cares for you."
This verse seems to be my life verse. Despite the many anxieties I have (and many are made up in my head), He takes them all and calms my heart. He alone can do this. He alone takes my depression and protects me (often from myself when the depression gets really bad). He soothes me when sleep will not come and I cry in my room because I feel alone or stressed. He is always with me, even when I feel completely isolated from the billions of other people on this giant rock. He even fashioned me, this giant rock, and the universe. He knows my every weakness, yet He loves me. He knows my past, He is with me in my present, and He has gone before me into my future. He loves me when no one else seems to be able to. He protects me from the dangers of this world. He provides for my every need and teaches me how to live, trust, and love. He is everything I need, yet He plants desires in my heart, then fulfills them!
What's up Washington and Utah! How are y'all doing? Russia, Malaysia, Germany, Argentina, Brazil, Venezuela and America, it's nice to see you checking in! How is everyone doing?
Sorry I've not been posting anything lately. It turns out that I am extremely busy when I come home from college and I just plain forget to keep y'all in the loop. I plan on changing that and this post will likely be very long...
First of all, I would like to add something to my advice the the older me:
13) Set and enforce boundaries. They need to be put in place in order to make sure you stay safe and do not get walked on. Other peoples feelings are important, but you cannot control how they feel or react to your boundaries and you must be aware of that. Make sure that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries to protect yourself and your sanity, then enforce them in a loving way.
Next, I have some good news. (Sorry about the elementary school writing today-the first, next, etc-I'm just keeping all my information spread out in case you need to take a few sittings to read this ever-growing post.) The good news is that I got an 86% on my anatomy final, which I thought would secure a solid B in the class. G-d had other plans, however. He got my an A-! Last semester I was distraught at the idea that I would not get a 4.0 gpa because I got an A- in this same class last semester too. This semester though, I am so very happy that my gpa is not going to drop further! I was sure I was also going to get a B+ or A- in chem, but the L-rd got me an A in chem. Praise the L-rd! He is getting me amazing grades even though I didn't think I would get them and it was all Him because I did not work as hard as I should have this semester.
Also, my guy friend and I talked a little bit. I am so glad that he brings the feelings and stuff up, because I really am not good at talking about feelings. It was a good talk. We discussed what has been going on and where we are headed. He said he would treat me right if we ever begin dating and I completely believe him. I mentioned my boundaries and he is totally respectful of them. I also mentioned it could be 3-7 years (huge span I know) before I could begin to even conceive of myself getting in a relationship, he respected that too and said he would wait. After feeling like I have just been used by all the guys that have shown interest in me in the past, it is so strange to know that he cherishes me. He does not speak inappropriately to me, he listens to me and is honest with me when I ask for advice. Though I have not dated anyone-and I am very glad I have not!-the qualities he possesses will be qualities that girls need to look for. He holds open doors, lets me speak my mind, and he tries to learn about me. Even my beliefs about G-d, the Bible, and the Holy Days/holidays I celebrate; he is trying to learn about it all! I pray that I do not break his heart, because we do not know if we will even work out at the end of my schooling of 3-7 years, but I have told him that he can date others and we will reassess when I am finished, if need be. For now, we are in a pleasant zone between friends and dating. I don't know how long this will be pleasant for us. Perhaps there will be major shifting sometime down the road and we will decide we are not right for each other far before my schooling is completed. Currently, however, I am satisfied and comfortable knowing that he knows my desires for dating, some of my boundaries, and my timescale. He is so very respectful, I am having a hard time believing our talk went so well, mainly because I tend to royally screw things up.
Finally, I want to tell you about my brother. All this year he has been perplexing to me. I would walk in the door after being gone at school for a month and he would tell me to go home (he meant back to school). He did not like me or be very nice to me and we would fight so much. Then, about a week or two ago, he texted me letting me know he was applying to my college. This was surprising because he had already applied to the community college near our parents home and he was planning on staying at home with them to finish up his prereques for school. Now, he is applying to my school and asking to move in with me when I get an apartment. Since I have gotten home this last week, we have been hanging out and talking about how we would furnish the apartment, if he gets into my university. We went to lunch yesterday and we talked like old friends. This relationship with my brother is what I missed to very much this last year. I had given it to G-d and accepted that my brother may never speak to me again. Then G-d turned my brother's heart back to accepting me. We have not had a fight since I have been home (which is rare for us to go this long), and he is kind to me without expecting me to do anything for him in return. For this, my heart is so very joyful.
Daily Thanksgivings: I was able to go to shul on Saturday for Shavuot (more on this holiday later). I got an A- in anatomy!!! I am finished with school. My brother graduates high school on friday, he's getting so big... My brother is being very kind and treating me like a comrad, instead of an enemy. My guy friend initiated another feelings talk and it went very well. I am home. The pain I received from the email I received from my former roommate is subsiding substantially. I have likely lost her friendship, which I understand because I was unable to warn her earlier, but all of this is for the best and G-d is calming my heart. He is taking my burden of worry, stress, guilt and unrighteous anger from me.
Praise the L-rd! My cup runneth over.
1 Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxieties upon Him because He cares for you."
This verse seems to be my life verse. Despite the many anxieties I have (and many are made up in my head), He takes them all and calms my heart. He alone can do this. He alone takes my depression and protects me (often from myself when the depression gets really bad). He soothes me when sleep will not come and I cry in my room because I feel alone or stressed. He is always with me, even when I feel completely isolated from the billions of other people on this giant rock. He even fashioned me, this giant rock, and the universe. He knows my every weakness, yet He loves me. He knows my past, He is with me in my present, and He has gone before me into my future. He loves me when no one else seems to be able to. He protects me from the dangers of this world. He provides for my every need and teaches me how to live, trust, and love. He is everything I need, yet He plants desires in my heart, then fulfills them!
Friday, May 17, 2013
Boundaries
Recently, I got yelled at over email because I told my former roommate (that I was going to room with next year too) that I could not live with her. I know that I did not handle the whole situation the way I was supposed to, but I had planned to talk to her in person. I asked her to let me know when she was leaving so that I could talk to her before we both left school for the summer, but she didn't so I had to email her. This was probably actually a blessing because I don't think I could have handled it very well. So, that was a blessing that she did not let me know when she was leaving. However, the email I received made me cry.
Fortunately, G-d showed me all the true colors of my former roommate before I signed a lease to stay with her for another year. She revealed how she really feels about me and I am pretty sure I was going to be used instead of in a partnership. Plus, it turns out that she had been the one spreading rumors that caused the problems last semester for me with my other roommates which has now blown up. However, G-d has brought me more friends than I ever expected. All of the people that they stopped talking to now talk to me and we have a huge group of friends.
Through all of this, I kept having this thought of, "what's wrong with me that I keep finding people that use me and people that hate me?" The last year I have been pestered by this awful thought but it is not true, it if from the Adversary. If people are going to be unhappy with the way that I set my boundaries and the fact that I will no longer bend over backwards for people that disrespect me time and time again, then they will have to talk with G-d about it. She had continually put me down and talked about me poorly behind my back. The last stick of straw that broke my back was the fact that my other former roommates did something right in front of her and she didn't stick up for me. If we are going to live together and trust each other essentially with our lives, we need to stick up for each other and defend each other. Long story short, my tears today are now stopped and I have a strengthened resolve to stick up for myself because I can't depend on anyone to stick up for me if I don't do it for myself.
So, for everyone that reads my rantings and ravings about life and nursing school, please set boundaries for yourself. Teach people how to treat you and don't back down. Talk with G-d to see what boundaries you need to set up for yourself and ask Him to teach you how to enforce them in a loving and kind way. My boundaries are set by me and G-d and if they are challenged by other people, I will talk to G-d and see if I need to be changed. I will talk with my mentors and my parents to figure out what I need to change or if I even need to change. You should also find mentors that love you enough to tell you the truth with what they believe is best for you, based on sound, Biblically sound advice.
Fortunately, G-d showed me all the true colors of my former roommate before I signed a lease to stay with her for another year. She revealed how she really feels about me and I am pretty sure I was going to be used instead of in a partnership. Plus, it turns out that she had been the one spreading rumors that caused the problems last semester for me with my other roommates which has now blown up. However, G-d has brought me more friends than I ever expected. All of the people that they stopped talking to now talk to me and we have a huge group of friends.
Through all of this, I kept having this thought of, "what's wrong with me that I keep finding people that use me and people that hate me?" The last year I have been pestered by this awful thought but it is not true, it if from the Adversary. If people are going to be unhappy with the way that I set my boundaries and the fact that I will no longer bend over backwards for people that disrespect me time and time again, then they will have to talk with G-d about it. She had continually put me down and talked about me poorly behind my back. The last stick of straw that broke my back was the fact that my other former roommates did something right in front of her and she didn't stick up for me. If we are going to live together and trust each other essentially with our lives, we need to stick up for each other and defend each other. Long story short, my tears today are now stopped and I have a strengthened resolve to stick up for myself because I can't depend on anyone to stick up for me if I don't do it for myself.
So, for everyone that reads my rantings and ravings about life and nursing school, please set boundaries for yourself. Teach people how to treat you and don't back down. Talk with G-d to see what boundaries you need to set up for yourself and ask Him to teach you how to enforce them in a loving and kind way. My boundaries are set by me and G-d and if they are challenged by other people, I will talk to G-d and see if I need to be changed. I will talk with my mentors and my parents to figure out what I need to change or if I even need to change. You should also find mentors that love you enough to tell you the truth with what they believe is best for you, based on sound, Biblically sound advice.
Finals are Finally Finished!
Yes, I was trying to use alliteration. I am that nerdy that I like to do silly stuff like that, and I'm cheesy.
Anyway, I took my last final exam of freshman year and I am officially finished with my first year of college!!! Y'all, I thought I would be happier, but it's really bitter sweet. This is the last night in my dorm room. I will likely never live this close to my friends every again and I will not be eating all my meals with them and seeing them all day, every day. While I am happy to be out of school for the summer (one whole week for me), I am also very sad that this year has come to an end. It was really exciting and I had a lot of fun. I also learned a ton in my classes and even more about people. It also seems that I have learned a lot about myself too. I am stronger than I ever thought. I am able to rely on G-d even though I make terrible mistakes. Also, I am capable of making friends.
That last one was a huge deal for me because I have lived my whole life wondering what is wrong with me and why people will not hang out with me. It turns out that I am nice to everyone and the people that really jump on nice people are people that may not be so nice themselves. So, while I am a little bit nuts and may not be a great friend, I am not the only problem in the majority of the failed friendships I have been a part of in the past. Confrontation, forgiveness, courage, and independence (from people, but dependence on G-d) are huge lessons that I began to learn this year. Of course I am not anywhere near through learning these yet, but I have a pretty good start on them.
Another huge one is that I can be liked by a boy. I have been "liked" just like I have been "friends" with people. In reality, it just means that I am being used and walked on. While I am very grateful for the experiences and lessons I have learned from these people, I am even more glad that G-d showed me that I can be cared for too. This is a big deal for me. It seems like all my life I care for everyone around me so deeply, but I never see that caring reciprocated. In this recent case, I'm liked back and someone likes the way I smile and laugh. He likes me for me and respects my boundaries... once I get around to discussing those with him (which I also did tonight). I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Someday, I can be cherished by a man. Perhaps I will be married to a guy someday, that loves G-d more than he loves me. And he will love me more than he loves the things of this world. But, our marriage will be based on G-d, first and foremost. This is possible, despite the many shortcomings I find in myself and the various doubts the Adversary tries to sneak into my brain.
Daily Thanksgivings: G-d gives me the words I need to explain what He has impressed upon my heart. He protects me and guides me through the various problems and struggles I have in this life. I am cherished by the Creator of the Universe and someday He will teach a man how to cherish me too. Freshman year has come to an end and I have made so many friends and learned so very much. Finals are over!!!
Anyway, I took my last final exam of freshman year and I am officially finished with my first year of college!!! Y'all, I thought I would be happier, but it's really bitter sweet. This is the last night in my dorm room. I will likely never live this close to my friends every again and I will not be eating all my meals with them and seeing them all day, every day. While I am happy to be out of school for the summer (one whole week for me), I am also very sad that this year has come to an end. It was really exciting and I had a lot of fun. I also learned a ton in my classes and even more about people. It also seems that I have learned a lot about myself too. I am stronger than I ever thought. I am able to rely on G-d even though I make terrible mistakes. Also, I am capable of making friends.
That last one was a huge deal for me because I have lived my whole life wondering what is wrong with me and why people will not hang out with me. It turns out that I am nice to everyone and the people that really jump on nice people are people that may not be so nice themselves. So, while I am a little bit nuts and may not be a great friend, I am not the only problem in the majority of the failed friendships I have been a part of in the past. Confrontation, forgiveness, courage, and independence (from people, but dependence on G-d) are huge lessons that I began to learn this year. Of course I am not anywhere near through learning these yet, but I have a pretty good start on them.
Another huge one is that I can be liked by a boy. I have been "liked" just like I have been "friends" with people. In reality, it just means that I am being used and walked on. While I am very grateful for the experiences and lessons I have learned from these people, I am even more glad that G-d showed me that I can be cared for too. This is a big deal for me. It seems like all my life I care for everyone around me so deeply, but I never see that caring reciprocated. In this recent case, I'm liked back and someone likes the way I smile and laugh. He likes me for me and respects my boundaries... once I get around to discussing those with him (which I also did tonight). I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Someday, I can be cherished by a man. Perhaps I will be married to a guy someday, that loves G-d more than he loves me. And he will love me more than he loves the things of this world. But, our marriage will be based on G-d, first and foremost. This is possible, despite the many shortcomings I find in myself and the various doubts the Adversary tries to sneak into my brain.
Daily Thanksgivings: G-d gives me the words I need to explain what He has impressed upon my heart. He protects me and guides me through the various problems and struggles I have in this life. I am cherished by the Creator of the Universe and someday He will teach a man how to cherish me too. Freshman year has come to an end and I have made so many friends and learned so very much. Finals are over!!!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Advice to the Older Me
I got an idea from another blog I read and I have decided to write advice to the older me. This advice focuses on my dreams right now and why I want to be a nurse so badly.
- Mom and Mema: Remember, you are not doing this entirely for yourself, you are walking in the shoes of your family. You are completing what your mom was unable to complete to share your joy with her when you graduate.
- Babies! Whether you become a NICU nurse or L&D nurse upon graduation, remember the sweet babies you will get to care for and share the beginning of their lives with.
- The stress you feel over getting a B is unnecessary. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not even close. You passed all of your courses freshman year when so many thought you wouldn't.
- It is okay to cry. One of the hardest things to admit, but it reduces stress hormones. We both know you have an over-abundance of stress, so just shed a few tears and move on.
- Continue to learn from your mistakes and keep taking advice-wise advice, of course.
- Always be working on remaining humble. When you do something wrong, ask how to make it better next time. Then make it better the next time.
- Remember, you started out as a CNA. You were a really slow CNA. Keep chesed for all of the CNA's, EMT's, new nurses, doctors, patients, and everyone else in the world.
- If someone doesn't treat you right: 1) Assume they could be having a bad day and continue to be kind. Do not talk about others behind their backs, but you can compliment others whether to their face or to others around them. 2) If they continue to not treat you right, STILL BE NICE! However, you can tell them that you will not help them or ask them to stop talking disrespectfully. DO NOT talk about them behind their backs. If others are, defend them, regardless of what that person did to you.
- Don't become anti-social. I know you have tendencies to do so, but get a dog and some friends!
- Read the Bible everyday. Learn to care from how Ad-nai and Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) first cared for us. Wash your disciples feet (metaphorically, but can be literally too!).
- Breathe. Relax when you can. Enjoy life. Don't stress about stuff you can't fix. When you can fix something, work the problem out in your head and take care of it.
- Remember, G-d's plan for your life is infinitely better than your plan for your life. Just trust Him and stop giving the reigns, then taking them back right away!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Loooooong Day
Today was devoted to studying for my anatomy final. I do think I'm starting to understand the material a little bit better, and now I am wishing I would have studied the way I did today for my last three tests... Hopefully, this makes it so that I can take educated guesses on the question I don't know about, so that I can get a good grade. L-rd willing I will get a good grade because I know I can't do it on my own. G-d kept me focused for a really long time today. Every once in a while I would watch YouTube videos, or check my 17 emails (not really, I have 1 personal one, 2 for two different schools and one for work) and my phone. Besides those breaks, I kept my phone on silent and, for the most part, stayed studying! That never happens with me, so I know it was a G-d thing.
I am so ready to be done though. It seems like the days leading up to test are the worst because you don't know what it's going to be like. Then you get to the test and it's totally not as hard as you expected. Even when you don't know the material, typically you know that you covered it in class at some point. However, there are those tests where the teacher was using the wrong book to write the test because they are asking questions about Shakespeare when you studied for a geology test because the test is in geology... That didn't really happen to me, but I think it would be funny, after the initial shock of how ridiculous it is subsided.
I still feel like a complete failure at friendship. This is probably going to be a constant thing or the rest of my life though, so I'll just get used to it. I will work on being a better friend, but no matter what I do I always come up short. That's where G-d meets us though, so I know I'm not alone and I'm not out of reach. Why do I constantly find myself in a struggle with friends? Problems always have to do with me though because if they do something that would normally offend someone, I ignore it. Unless, of course, they are offending another one of my friends, then I kindly step in and ask them to not speak poorly of my other friend. But for any other circumstance that would hurt someone, I overlook it or don't even notice it. So, the problem in my friendships is me. I keep doing stuff to hurt people or to make them sad at me. Yes, I said sad at me, not mad.
Folks, I really need to find the problem with me because I don't like hurting and offending other people. The more I have thought about my friendships and relationships of any kind, the more I notice that I keep people at arm's length and then I go off and find a corner to live in. With my roommates, I didn't talk to them when I was offended. Then they got offended and stopped talking to me. So, what do I do? I go and get my very own dorm room where I don't live with anyone else. What happens when guys begin to show interest? I talk to them for awhile, then I pull away. Eventually, I pull away so much that I end up under a rock. I should just stay under my rock and not talk to people because that gets me into trouble...
Do you have any advice? Any stories? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d kept me focused and I was quite productive today. Also, I think I'm starting to understand the material for my last final on Thursday. 1 more test and then I am no longer a freshman!!! I packed most of my stuff and it all fits into 4 tubs so far. I should only have a microwave, fridge, those tubs and a duffel bag to leave college with. Things are beginning to get better with my old roommates. I am not uncomfortable around them and they waived at me through the window! I think that's a good thing. We also got rain today which I love. One of my favorite experiences is afternoon rainstorms after a hot, sunny, summer day. To me, it is such a beautiful feeling, I can't really explain it.
I am so ready to be done though. It seems like the days leading up to test are the worst because you don't know what it's going to be like. Then you get to the test and it's totally not as hard as you expected. Even when you don't know the material, typically you know that you covered it in class at some point. However, there are those tests where the teacher was using the wrong book to write the test because they are asking questions about Shakespeare when you studied for a geology test because the test is in geology... That didn't really happen to me, but I think it would be funny, after the initial shock of how ridiculous it is subsided.
I still feel like a complete failure at friendship. This is probably going to be a constant thing or the rest of my life though, so I'll just get used to it. I will work on being a better friend, but no matter what I do I always come up short. That's where G-d meets us though, so I know I'm not alone and I'm not out of reach. Why do I constantly find myself in a struggle with friends? Problems always have to do with me though because if they do something that would normally offend someone, I ignore it. Unless, of course, they are offending another one of my friends, then I kindly step in and ask them to not speak poorly of my other friend. But for any other circumstance that would hurt someone, I overlook it or don't even notice it. So, the problem in my friendships is me. I keep doing stuff to hurt people or to make them sad at me. Yes, I said sad at me, not mad.
Folks, I really need to find the problem with me because I don't like hurting and offending other people. The more I have thought about my friendships and relationships of any kind, the more I notice that I keep people at arm's length and then I go off and find a corner to live in. With my roommates, I didn't talk to them when I was offended. Then they got offended and stopped talking to me. So, what do I do? I go and get my very own dorm room where I don't live with anyone else. What happens when guys begin to show interest? I talk to them for awhile, then I pull away. Eventually, I pull away so much that I end up under a rock. I should just stay under my rock and not talk to people because that gets me into trouble...
Do you have any advice? Any stories? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d kept me focused and I was quite productive today. Also, I think I'm starting to understand the material for my last final on Thursday. 1 more test and then I am no longer a freshman!!! I packed most of my stuff and it all fits into 4 tubs so far. I should only have a microwave, fridge, those tubs and a duffel bag to leave college with. Things are beginning to get better with my old roommates. I am not uncomfortable around them and they waived at me through the window! I think that's a good thing. We also got rain today which I love. One of my favorite experiences is afternoon rainstorms after a hot, sunny, summer day. To me, it is such a beautiful feeling, I can't really explain it.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “…The Biggest Risk In Waiting Another Week Is A Slightly Bigger Baby.”
Thoughtful Thursday! “…The Biggest Risk In Waiting Another Week Is A Slightly Bigger Baby.”
That's it, just a bigger kid. Sometimes, there are other, more hazardous health risks, but for the most part, just let labor happen when it's going to happen. Many women pass their due date by a few days and that's normal and healthy. Why do we feel the need to continually mess with our bodies so that everything happens on our time?
That's it, just a bigger kid. Sometimes, there are other, more hazardous health risks, but for the most part, just let labor happen when it's going to happen. Many women pass their due date by a few days and that's normal and healthy. Why do we feel the need to continually mess with our bodies so that everything happens on our time?
Worst Friend Ever
Folks, I'm talking about me. In the last week, I have made a friend cry and ruined another friendship. I don't know why I suck at life, but I do. I'm terrible with people! What was I thinking making friends and talking? Dumbest decision I've had in a long time, and maybe ever in my life. Man alive! What is wrong with me? I never used to make people cry, never. And friends have been mad at me before, but this one hurts more than it did before. So far they are both still talking to me, but I still failed them.
I have a confession, I wanted to learn how to speak my mind so that people don't keep walking all over me, but if this is what results, I don't want any part of it! It's not even like I have a thick skin either, but I didn't think I was mean. Now, I'm thinking I am so very mean and I'm seriously considering why people even befriend me in the first place.
Then, I start thinking about why I befriend others. I make friends because I know what it is to be uncomfortable on the sidelines watching everyone else socialize and have fun. So, I rope other people in a help them to make connections until they don't need me anymore. Then, the connections that we had slowly fade into nothing more than a smile in the halls. Fortunately for me, I am now comfortable on the sidelines with no one else to sit with or talk to, but if there is someone, I will interact with them.
Subsequently, I started thinking about my friends. I do have friends, and they are often very kind to hang out with me because I am crazy. Y'all know, you read my thoughts in this blog. Anyway, I have never really felt connected to anyone. Even when I have a bunch of friends, and loads of stuff to do with them, I always feel lonely. So, what's wrong with me? We weren't made to be of the world, we are merely in it to fulfill G-d's plans, but I feel all alone when surrounded by seas of people. Even when I let someone know my secrets and my deeper, crazier thoughts, I never really feel connected or close to anyone. Now, the bonds I used to have with my parents and brother are even dwindling. Is it just part of growing up? If it is, then why have I always been so lonely, all my life. I know G-d is always with me, but I've been screwing up with Him and I haven't been working on that relationship and everything is falling apart!!!
So, my conclusion is: I suck at life.
I have a confession, I wanted to learn how to speak my mind so that people don't keep walking all over me, but if this is what results, I don't want any part of it! It's not even like I have a thick skin either, but I didn't think I was mean. Now, I'm thinking I am so very mean and I'm seriously considering why people even befriend me in the first place.
Then, I start thinking about why I befriend others. I make friends because I know what it is to be uncomfortable on the sidelines watching everyone else socialize and have fun. So, I rope other people in a help them to make connections until they don't need me anymore. Then, the connections that we had slowly fade into nothing more than a smile in the halls. Fortunately for me, I am now comfortable on the sidelines with no one else to sit with or talk to, but if there is someone, I will interact with them.
Subsequently, I started thinking about my friends. I do have friends, and they are often very kind to hang out with me because I am crazy. Y'all know, you read my thoughts in this blog. Anyway, I have never really felt connected to anyone. Even when I have a bunch of friends, and loads of stuff to do with them, I always feel lonely. So, what's wrong with me? We weren't made to be of the world, we are merely in it to fulfill G-d's plans, but I feel all alone when surrounded by seas of people. Even when I let someone know my secrets and my deeper, crazier thoughts, I never really feel connected or close to anyone. Now, the bonds I used to have with my parents and brother are even dwindling. Is it just part of growing up? If it is, then why have I always been so lonely, all my life. I know G-d is always with me, but I've been screwing up with Him and I haven't been working on that relationship and everything is falling apart!!!
So, my conclusion is: I suck at life.
Monday, May 13, 2013
800 Pageviews!
Thanks guys for 800!!! Shout out to the UK; Germany; Denver, Colorado; Los Angeles California; Colorado Springs, Colorado; and my biggest viewing country... RUSSIA! I hope everyone is doing well. I appreciate you guys logging in an reading, really I do.
Love,
BedpanAlley
P.S.
Feel free to comment and talk with me. I would love to get to know y'all!
P.P.S.
I'll probably stop announcing every 100 views once it reaches 1,000. But it still makes me really happy to see y'all making the number grow so fast.
Love,
BedpanAlley
P.S.
Feel free to comment and talk with me. I would love to get to know y'all!
P.P.S.
I'll probably stop announcing every 100 views once it reaches 1,000. But it still makes me really happy to see y'all making the number grow so fast.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “I’m Not Comfortable Prescribing You Something That Might Jeopardize Your Milk Supply.”
Thoughtful Thursday! “I’m Not Comfortable Prescribing You Something That Might Jeopardize Your Milk Supply.”
This doctor needs to teach the other doctors! I love when doctors stand up for what they believe is right and are keeping mom's and baby's best interests in mind. I know that most doctors do, and I do not dislike doctors or anything, but it seems like everyone is starting to give in more and more to outside pressures. Then they do things despite what is actually best for mom and baby or anyone else. I also love that this doc is seeming to be pro-breastfeeding. You would be surprised how many aren't liking breastfeeding anymore. Why? It's natural and it's virtually free for the mom. Plus, it is best for the baby! In cases where the mom cannot nurse, formula is totally understandable, and formula every once in a while is fine. But for the most part, moms should have the total freedom to try breastfeeding if they want to and not be bullied by L&D nurses/lactation consultants/doctors/midwifes/etc.
This doctor needs to teach the other doctors! I love when doctors stand up for what they believe is right and are keeping mom's and baby's best interests in mind. I know that most doctors do, and I do not dislike doctors or anything, but it seems like everyone is starting to give in more and more to outside pressures. Then they do things despite what is actually best for mom and baby or anyone else. I also love that this doc is seeming to be pro-breastfeeding. You would be surprised how many aren't liking breastfeeding anymore. Why? It's natural and it's virtually free for the mom. Plus, it is best for the baby! In cases where the mom cannot nurse, formula is totally understandable, and formula every once in a while is fine. But for the most part, moms should have the total freedom to try breastfeeding if they want to and not be bullied by L&D nurses/lactation consultants/doctors/midwifes/etc.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “…Just Listen To Your Body & Push When You Feel Like Pushing…”
Thoughtful Thursday! “…Just Listen To Your Body & Push When You Feel Like Pushing…”
Love that the mama gets to have control of the birth and isn't being screamed at to birth her kid by a certain time. The fact that the mother is relaxed (as much as possible) and not pressured will actually likely speed up her time pushing instead of stressing her and the baby.
Love that the mama gets to have control of the birth and isn't being screamed at to birth her kid by a certain time. The fact that the mother is relaxed (as much as possible) and not pressured will actually likely speed up her time pushing instead of stressing her and the baby.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “…We Can Just Go Off Your Body’s Signals.”
Thoughtful Thursday! “…We Can Just Go Off Your Body’s Signals.”
I love it when the midwife lets the mom be in control. If the mom doesn't want those silly cervix exams every hour or half hour or whatever, then she shouldn't have to have them. Women had been birthing for centuries without that exam and now that we have it, it is used way too often and is quite unnecessary. Even for first time moms, when something actually changes, they will know. Until then, I think they should be able to go free and be left alone as much as possible so they can concentrate and relax as much as possible. But who am I? I am not even a nurse yet.
I love it when the midwife lets the mom be in control. If the mom doesn't want those silly cervix exams every hour or half hour or whatever, then she shouldn't have to have them. Women had been birthing for centuries without that exam and now that we have it, it is used way too often and is quite unnecessary. Even for first time moms, when something actually changes, they will know. Until then, I think they should be able to go free and be left alone as much as possible so they can concentrate and relax as much as possible. But who am I? I am not even a nurse yet.
Finals Day #1: Complete!
I am finished with my finals for today and I think chem went well, but I'm not so sure about psych. I really think I bombed psych.
In other news, I drank a Red bull after my last final, on an empty stomach, and now I feel kinda funny. I normally don't handle caffeine well anyway (I get heart palpitations the next day, and I get shaky), and now I am getting shaky and really hot. I can't tell if I'm hot because it's 80 degrees out or the sudden caffeine spike. I should have eaten something when I drank it... I don't even know why I drank it, but I'm hoping it helps me to focus.
So, since I have gotten back from my last final for today, and I had a few hours to kill, I made a beautiful chart depicting my class schedule for next year. It has two parts! One for if I don't get into the nursing program the first try, and another in the blessed event that I do get into nursing school for Fall 2013.
Either way, I will have less classes (because the are longer) than I do this semester. It is a slightly easier schedule too since I am taking microbio over the summer!
Daily Thanksgiving: I am finished with 2 of my 3 finals! I think the chem final went well! It's really nice out and I got to wear a dress to class for the first time (and likely last) this semester!!! I love dresses.
I'm off to go play catch with my friends. Today, we are playing with a baseball, which means I will have lots of bruises from trying to catch with my left hand...
In other news, I drank a Red bull after my last final, on an empty stomach, and now I feel kinda funny. I normally don't handle caffeine well anyway (I get heart palpitations the next day, and I get shaky), and now I am getting shaky and really hot. I can't tell if I'm hot because it's 80 degrees out or the sudden caffeine spike. I should have eaten something when I drank it... I don't even know why I drank it, but I'm hoping it helps me to focus.
So, since I have gotten back from my last final for today, and I had a few hours to kill, I made a beautiful chart depicting my class schedule for next year. It has two parts! One for if I don't get into the nursing program the first try, and another in the blessed event that I do get into nursing school for Fall 2013.
Either way, I will have less classes (because the are longer) than I do this semester. It is a slightly easier schedule too since I am taking microbio over the summer!
Daily Thanksgiving: I am finished with 2 of my 3 finals! I think the chem final went well! It's really nice out and I got to wear a dress to class for the first time (and likely last) this semester!!! I love dresses.
I'm off to go play catch with my friends. Today, we are playing with a baseball, which means I will have lots of bruises from trying to catch with my left hand...
Finals Day #1
Today is my first day of finals. I take 2 of 3 today and I'm kinda freakin' out. I only have chemistry and psych, but I need an A on this chemistry test in order to hope for an actual A in chemistry instead of a A- or a B+... Those pesky "-" signs really bring down your GPA! I was surprised how much weight that little guy has last semester. Now, I'm looking at getting a B in Anatomy which will lower it even more.
Kids, this is what happens when you don't focus and slack off in anatomy your first year of college. Don't do what I did. Have fun, but focus on school, especially you nursing students out there. If you do that, you will be fine and have a good time anyways because you won't be so stressed about getting your grades back up from being in a pit.
Kids, this is what happens when you don't focus and slack off in anatomy your first year of college. Don't do what I did. Have fun, but focus on school, especially you nursing students out there. If you do that, you will be fine and have a good time anyways because you won't be so stressed about getting your grades back up from being in a pit.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “It’s Your Baby; You Can Do Whatever You Want!”
Thoughtful Thursday! “It’s Your Baby; You Can Do Whatever You Want!”
What ever happened to more midwives and doctors letting the mom be in control? I love that the midwife is so supportive and doesn't try to scare the mom into doing anything or out of anything. This is, after all, birth. Birth is simply the start of a family. Since this is kind of a big deal (how you start your family), shouldn't the mom and dad have more say in what goes on? I'm sorry, I've given this little soapbox lecture several times, but I am so very passionate about giving the mom and dad what they want when it doesn't harm the child or mother in anyway, just to make them happy.
What ever happened to more midwives and doctors letting the mom be in control? I love that the midwife is so supportive and doesn't try to scare the mom into doing anything or out of anything. This is, after all, birth. Birth is simply the start of a family. Since this is kind of a big deal (how you start your family), shouldn't the mom and dad have more say in what goes on? I'm sorry, I've given this little soapbox lecture several times, but I am so very passionate about giving the mom and dad what they want when it doesn't harm the child or mother in anyway, just to make them happy.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “You Don’t Need To Thank Me…”
Thoughtful Thursday! “You Don’t Need To Thank Me…”
It's true, patients make our jobs the best. I love my residents and I already love my patients that I haven't even met yet. Also, diggin' the fact that the CNM gave the mom all the credit. Truly, birth is all about the mom, no one else can push when the baby is ready to be born, only the mom. Of course, now there are C-sections and other things the doctor/midwife can do to assist or take over delivery, but we over-use those devices and procedures. In reality, the mom should be rooted for because every mom is a champion for all that they do for the children (biological or adopted, naturally birthed or through another method; none of it matters because moms are amazing).
I totally forgot it was Mother's Day today, by the way, until about half-way through righting this post. So, for all you mothers out there (current, soon-to-be, or future mothers), happy Mother's Day!
It's true, patients make our jobs the best. I love my residents and I already love my patients that I haven't even met yet. Also, diggin' the fact that the CNM gave the mom all the credit. Truly, birth is all about the mom, no one else can push when the baby is ready to be born, only the mom. Of course, now there are C-sections and other things the doctor/midwife can do to assist or take over delivery, but we over-use those devices and procedures. In reality, the mom should be rooted for because every mom is a champion for all that they do for the children (biological or adopted, naturally birthed or through another method; none of it matters because moms are amazing).
I totally forgot it was Mother's Day today, by the way, until about half-way through righting this post. So, for all you mothers out there (current, soon-to-be, or future mothers), happy Mother's Day!
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “…It’s Your Decision.”
Thoughtful Thursday! “…It’s Your Decision.”
YES!!! A low-no pressure doctor and no dead baby card. This doctor is doing it right!
YES!!! A low-no pressure doctor and no dead baby card. This doctor is doing it right!
Semi-successful Day
All I've done today is study, from 10 a.m. on. Of course, I had minor breaks to eat, stretch, take a nap... and various other things that may have caught my attention at one point or another. But, for the most part, I studied. I really need a high A on my chem test and I can go as low as a C on my psych test tomorrow, but I would like to get higher of course. Unfortunately, it's a beautiful day outside and I am wasting it sitting in my room, relearning all the material needed for finals. Hopefully this will be enough studying, but currently, I'm not so sure that it will be.
It's days like this when I wish I could just clean and pack my dorm room instead. I'd rather be doing almost anything but studying because it's soooooo boring! L-rd willing, this week will go by quickly and successfully and I will get good grades. Then, I can go home and enjoy a week with no classes, no work, and the celebration of my baby brother's graduation from high school. I can't believe I missed most of his senior year because I was busy with my freshman year of college and lived an hour away from him. It's just so weird that we are both almost full-fledged adults (he doesn't turn 18 until the end of August). Thinking on it won't let it be untrue though, so I might as well just suck it up and accept that we can no longer be children, now we have to navigate life on our own. But, I'm pretty excited that he's thinking of coming down to my university for school and he might even get an apartment with me!
Daily Thanksgiving: Today is almost done, which means tomorrow's tests are almost done. That all means that summer is nearly here! I am thankful for the amount of studying that G-d has allowed me to complete today, because I have actually been very productive considering my normal study habits. Also, I am grateful that G-d put in my head to take off from work today, because I would have had much less studying actually completed by now. Instead, I was able to go slow, take my time, relax, and truly learn the material (or so I hope).
It's days like this when I wish I could just clean and pack my dorm room instead. I'd rather be doing almost anything but studying because it's soooooo boring! L-rd willing, this week will go by quickly and successfully and I will get good grades. Then, I can go home and enjoy a week with no classes, no work, and the celebration of my baby brother's graduation from high school. I can't believe I missed most of his senior year because I was busy with my freshman year of college and lived an hour away from him. It's just so weird that we are both almost full-fledged adults (he doesn't turn 18 until the end of August). Thinking on it won't let it be untrue though, so I might as well just suck it up and accept that we can no longer be children, now we have to navigate life on our own. But, I'm pretty excited that he's thinking of coming down to my university for school and he might even get an apartment with me!
Daily Thanksgiving: Today is almost done, which means tomorrow's tests are almost done. That all means that summer is nearly here! I am thankful for the amount of studying that G-d has allowed me to complete today, because I have actually been very productive considering my normal study habits. Also, I am grateful that G-d put in my head to take off from work today, because I would have had much less studying actually completed by now. Instead, I was able to go slow, take my time, relax, and truly learn the material (or so I hope).
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “I’ve Seen Lots & Lots Of Women Labor & To Me You Look Like You’re Doing Wonderfully…”
Thoughtful Thursday! “I’ve Seen Lots & Lots Of Women Labor & To Me You Look Like You’re Doing Wonderfully…”
It seems like lots of women wonder if they are laboring properly, just sayin'. I bet I'm going to be one of those ladies... But I love the encouragement and reassurance these women are recieving.
It seems like lots of women wonder if they are laboring properly, just sayin'. I bet I'm going to be one of those ladies... But I love the encouragement and reassurance these women are recieving.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “I Don’t Have An Agenda, I Just Wanted You To Make An Informed Choice…”
Thoughtful Thursday! “I Don’t Have An Agenda, I Just Wanted You To Make An Informed Choice…”
This is the best type of encouragement, to let the mother go off and find everything she can about any decision she is presented with.
This is the best type of encouragement, to let the mother go off and find everything she can about any decision she is presented with.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “So You Want To Birth Vaginally? Of Course We Can Try.”
Thoughtful Thursday! “So You Want To Birth Vaginally? Of Course We Can Try.”
I LOVE when CNMs allow for breech births! It's been done billions of times before but somewhere along the line, someone decided they were not a good idea and began opting for cutting people open instead. That is frustrating for me because we lost a hugely important piece of information as healthcare professionals! We need to know how to allow for breech births because natural is so important. Too often we change everything with medicine or technology, when life could be so much better and simpler by living naturally. I understand that sometimes the advanced medicine that we have can save lives, and in that case use it! But for most cases, it is used unnecessarily and can cause more problems than it prevents or fixes. Like anything, too much of a good thing can be bad.
I LOVE when CNMs allow for breech births! It's been done billions of times before but somewhere along the line, someone decided they were not a good idea and began opting for cutting people open instead. That is frustrating for me because we lost a hugely important piece of information as healthcare professionals! We need to know how to allow for breech births because natural is so important. Too often we change everything with medicine or technology, when life could be so much better and simpler by living naturally. I understand that sometimes the advanced medicine that we have can save lives, and in that case use it! But for most cases, it is used unnecessarily and can cause more problems than it prevents or fixes. Like anything, too much of a good thing can be bad.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Beautiful Shabbat
Y'all, I actually rested today! I read Torah portion in bed, then stayed in bed all day long. That's over exaggerated, I left bed to use the bathroom and to get food or water, but besides that I stayed in bed. I got to nap and watch some movies and shows and it was just beautiful to be able to not worry about anything.
I also got my grade back from my last anatomy lab test... drumroll... G-d gave me a 94%!!! If only I would have studied harder for my other lab tests, then I wouldn't be looking at getting a B in anatomy, but I was foolish. Anyway, praise the L-rd for giving me my first A on an anatomy lab test this semester. That good grade gave me motivation to get started studying for chem (after sunset of course) which is why I am up at 11:30 writing this post instead of sleeping like I ought to do.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful for Shabbat, this beautiful day of rest G-d has given us because He knows life gets busy and He wants us to make time for Him and time for rest. I am still not keeping Shabbat like I should, but I will get there. I got to take a nap! Yesterday I also packed a lot of my room and now it's really empty, but it felt good to get something productive done without having to continue studying. G-d gave me an excellent grade on my last anatomy lab test and I was totally expecting a low B or C!
I also got my grade back from my last anatomy lab test... drumroll... G-d gave me a 94%!!! If only I would have studied harder for my other lab tests, then I wouldn't be looking at getting a B in anatomy, but I was foolish. Anyway, praise the L-rd for giving me my first A on an anatomy lab test this semester. That good grade gave me motivation to get started studying for chem (after sunset of course) which is why I am up at 11:30 writing this post instead of sleeping like I ought to do.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful for Shabbat, this beautiful day of rest G-d has given us because He knows life gets busy and He wants us to make time for Him and time for rest. I am still not keeping Shabbat like I should, but I will get there. I got to take a nap! Yesterday I also packed a lot of my room and now it's really empty, but it felt good to get something productive done without having to continue studying. G-d gave me an excellent grade on my last anatomy lab test and I was totally expecting a low B or C!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Day of Study
Today was supposed to be my day to study, but it wasn't very successful. I only completed my paper which took about 6 hours even though I only needed to write two paragraphs. But that's my fault, I kept messing around. Oh well.
Shabbat Shalom! This is my final Sabbath that I have to spend at school and that makes me so very happy. I am very thankful for this day of rest especially in finals week. Unfortunately, I am often confused as to what I should do when I have loads of schoolwork that I need to complete but am supposed to rest on the Sabbath.
Tonight at school they are having this silly run where you donate the clothes - all but your underwear - and then go for a run with hundreds of other students... IN YOUR UNDERWEAR! This is obviously not something I am going to take part in because my guy swim trunks and short sleeve surf shirt is not even modest enough for me, let alone nothing but my skivvies! I hope all the students have fun. But just started raining... Golly, it's probably sick that I think it's hilarious for us to get rain just as everyone is getting undressed together, but I do find it entertaining that they are now nearly naked and about to get soaked. It's not even a warm rain, it's actually getting chilly out.
Daily Thanksgiving: I turned in my last English paper early, which is so out of character for me. It is now Shabbat and I have a day of rest before crunch time hits me like a train for finals. I don't have to work on Sunday so I can actually study for my chem and psych finals that take place on Monday. Also, I am very thankful that G-d gave me two days between my first two finals and my anatomy final. Plus, the anatomy final will have some reproductive questions on it and I love the reproductive system!!! I am almost done with freshman year and it feels so good. I can't believe I only have tests and then I am done. It seems like I was just moving in, then I was just changing rooms and then here I am packing up to leave. I have matured though and G-d has taught me a lot in this short amount of time. Now I wish I would have started blogging at the beginning of my schooling journey instead of half way into my first year, but it is what it is and as I think of stories I will share, because there are lots of lessons to be learned from this silly - sometimes foolish - girl.
Shabbat Shalom! This is my final Sabbath that I have to spend at school and that makes me so very happy. I am very thankful for this day of rest especially in finals week. Unfortunately, I am often confused as to what I should do when I have loads of schoolwork that I need to complete but am supposed to rest on the Sabbath.
Tonight at school they are having this silly run where you donate the clothes - all but your underwear - and then go for a run with hundreds of other students... IN YOUR UNDERWEAR! This is obviously not something I am going to take part in because my guy swim trunks and short sleeve surf shirt is not even modest enough for me, let alone nothing but my skivvies! I hope all the students have fun. But just started raining... Golly, it's probably sick that I think it's hilarious for us to get rain just as everyone is getting undressed together, but I do find it entertaining that they are now nearly naked and about to get soaked. It's not even a warm rain, it's actually getting chilly out.
Daily Thanksgiving: I turned in my last English paper early, which is so out of character for me. It is now Shabbat and I have a day of rest before crunch time hits me like a train for finals. I don't have to work on Sunday so I can actually study for my chem and psych finals that take place on Monday. Also, I am very thankful that G-d gave me two days between my first two finals and my anatomy final. Plus, the anatomy final will have some reproductive questions on it and I love the reproductive system!!! I am almost done with freshman year and it feels so good. I can't believe I only have tests and then I am done. It seems like I was just moving in, then I was just changing rooms and then here I am packing up to leave. I have matured though and G-d has taught me a lot in this short amount of time. Now I wish I would have started blogging at the beginning of my schooling journey instead of half way into my first year, but it is what it is and as I think of stories I will share, because there are lots of lessons to be learned from this silly - sometimes foolish - girl.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “You Are My Role Model.”
Thoughtful Thursday! “You Are My Role Model.”
You know me, I love the encouragement! I hope someday I can be pregnant and be able to tell my patients this. (Yes, today is one of the days where I am not completely skeptical of the whole marriage/reproduction process for myself. Normally I'm cool if others want to get marriage and have youngins, but I typically get super weird when I consider it for myself. Today was a good day though so I'm thinking more optimistically... just for today.)
You know me, I love the encouragement! I hope someday I can be pregnant and be able to tell my patients this. (Yes, today is one of the days where I am not completely skeptical of the whole marriage/reproduction process for myself. Normally I'm cool if others want to get marriage and have youngins, but I typically get super weird when I consider it for myself. Today was a good day though so I'm thinking more optimistically... just for today.)
Return of My Cynicism
I just researched "cynic" just to see if I was spelling it right, but I found this definition on Google: "Cynicism, in its original form, refers to the beliefs of an ancient
school of Greek philosophers known as the Cynics. Their philosophy was
that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with
Nature."
Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):
Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.
Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?
Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?
Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):
- Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
- Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.
Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.
Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?
Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “…You Are A Pregnancy Rock Star…”
Thoughtful Thursday! “…You Are A Pregnancy Rock Star…”
Doctors/Midwives/Nurses/everyone needs to be more supportive and encouraging like this CNM. A lot of times soon-to-be mothers may call a doctor from something that is totally normal, but she didn't know about it. I would rather answer a million of those calls and catch at least one potential problem than turn mothers away or make them feel like they are bothering me with questions. I pray that G-d gives me encouraging words and a kind heart (with loads of patience) for the mamas I will be taking care of some day. Questions are a good thing because you never know when something could be going wrong.
Doctors/Midwives/Nurses/everyone needs to be more supportive and encouraging like this CNM. A lot of times soon-to-be mothers may call a doctor from something that is totally normal, but she didn't know about it. I would rather answer a million of those calls and catch at least one potential problem than turn mothers away or make them feel like they are bothering me with questions. I pray that G-d gives me encouraging words and a kind heart (with loads of patience) for the mamas I will be taking care of some day. Questions are a good thing because you never know when something could be going wrong.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “…You Just Did Something Amazing For You And Your Baby…”
Thoughtful Thursday! “…You Just Did Something Amazing For You And Your Baby…”
Love the encouragement and "atta girl" for natural labor and delivery!!!
Love the encouragement and "atta girl" for natural labor and delivery!!!
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “That’s Not A Problem…”
Thoughtful Thursday! “That’s Not A Problem…”
Diggin' the support and the fact that this CNM actually cares to follow the mother's wishes. That doesn't happen often.
Diggin' the support and the fact that this CNM actually cares to follow the mother's wishes. That doesn't happen often.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Freshman Year Is Nearly Complete!
With all of my classes completed, now I just have to turn in my English paper and take my three finals and then I am free!!! Of course, the freedom only lasts for a week and I won't really be completely free because I have to study for the HESI... but I won't have any actual school for a little bit which is so very nice. Praise the L-rd!
Today I went and volunteered at a free medical clinic as a CNA and I absolutely loved it. I had such a good time. My main job is to call a patient back, get their vitals, history, medications, and what they are in the office for. Then I let the doctor know that the patient is there and that's it. The rest of the time we stand around talking and doing other stuff. Tonight I learned about a month long EMT course and a two week long course (only 2 classes a week) after that to become certified for IV's. Seeing as I wanted to be an EMT first instead of becoming a CNA, I am so excited about this possibility, but I don't have time nor money for the class... So, we will see if it's something G-d wants me to do or not. The frustrating thing about finding this kind of information is that I wanted to be an EMT first, but then got my CNA. So now I am at a crossroads because I am already licensed and I paid for one class, which was nearly $1000! Now, I find a class that I was originally interested in, so do I shell out another $1000 to get that license as well? Did I just waste $1000 getting a now useless license? Now I probably can't even get reimbursed for the CNA course because the administrators did not get my paperwork done in time and nobody is letting me know what's going on with anything. But that is also partly my fault for not pestering them more so that I could actually be made a priority in order to get what I needed. So very frustrating!
Daily Thanksgiving: I'm done with classes. I got to volunteer. My paper was peer reviewed and found to be "excellent" (paraphrasing) by the girl who read it. Opportunities are being presented for lots of stuff in my life, I just have to wait on G-d to tell me if I should act on it or not.
Today I went and volunteered at a free medical clinic as a CNA and I absolutely loved it. I had such a good time. My main job is to call a patient back, get their vitals, history, medications, and what they are in the office for. Then I let the doctor know that the patient is there and that's it. The rest of the time we stand around talking and doing other stuff. Tonight I learned about a month long EMT course and a two week long course (only 2 classes a week) after that to become certified for IV's. Seeing as I wanted to be an EMT first instead of becoming a CNA, I am so excited about this possibility, but I don't have time nor money for the class... So, we will see if it's something G-d wants me to do or not. The frustrating thing about finding this kind of information is that I wanted to be an EMT first, but then got my CNA. So now I am at a crossroads because I am already licensed and I paid for one class, which was nearly $1000! Now, I find a class that I was originally interested in, so do I shell out another $1000 to get that license as well? Did I just waste $1000 getting a now useless license? Now I probably can't even get reimbursed for the CNA course because the administrators did not get my paperwork done in time and nobody is letting me know what's going on with anything. But that is also partly my fault for not pestering them more so that I could actually be made a priority in order to get what I needed. So very frustrating!
Daily Thanksgiving: I'm done with classes. I got to volunteer. My paper was peer reviewed and found to be "excellent" (paraphrasing) by the girl who read it. Opportunities are being presented for lots of stuff in my life, I just have to wait on G-d to tell me if I should act on it or not.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “You Can Push While Hanging From A Chandelier…”
Thoughtful Thursday! “You Can Push While Hanging From A Chandelier…”
Likely you know my spiel about this from yesterday. I love this example though!!!
Likely you know my spiel about this from yesterday. I love this example though!!!
Y'all Made My Day!
Wow, 700 views!!! Thank you guys for reading, it makes me happy to know someone is out there.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Fun Facts
Just a warning, this next post talks about sex, artificial and natural insemination and some other random things that may be considered offensive. Forgive me for the images that may be brought to mind and also for bringing up this subject. Seeing as I am hoping to be a midwife, these things do not bother me and I am actually quite fascinated with reproduction and babies and everything, but I understand that it may not be deemed appropriate, especially for a woman of faith (such as myself). Unfortunately, I cannot discuss such matters with my friends because they will all leave me for being even weirder than they had originally discovered...
So, I am writing a paper about the views of college students on marriage and yada, yada, yada. Anyway, I was encouraged to do some research about counter arguments to my claim, one of the counter arguments being that infertility treatments are often expensive and time-consuming and stressful. You know the whole thing, I'm sure. Anyway, I was looking into the costs of in-vitro and artificial insemination and I ran across an article explaining how to do artificial insemination at home... on your own. Of course, this is joked about in movies when women say they will just use a baster, but it never occurred to me that women actually do that at home. If you're at home, wouldn't natural insemination be easier than trying to collect everything and then put the "seed" into a cup and then into a needle-less syringe and everything else? I suppose it makes sense to no do it the natural way though because then that would involve all the hormones that bond you to someone else through sex, even if you don't kiss, because that's just how G-d designed it. Kinda funny how the girl who refuses to kiss anyone until she is married is wondering why people aren't just shacking up if they are trying to have a kid. I know, I am full of ideas and thoughts that make no sense and I promise, the constant incongruities drive me nuts too.
Just something to think about.
So, I am writing a paper about the views of college students on marriage and yada, yada, yada. Anyway, I was encouraged to do some research about counter arguments to my claim, one of the counter arguments being that infertility treatments are often expensive and time-consuming and stressful. You know the whole thing, I'm sure. Anyway, I was looking into the costs of in-vitro and artificial insemination and I ran across an article explaining how to do artificial insemination at home... on your own. Of course, this is joked about in movies when women say they will just use a baster, but it never occurred to me that women actually do that at home. If you're at home, wouldn't natural insemination be easier than trying to collect everything and then put the "seed" into a cup and then into a needle-less syringe and everything else? I suppose it makes sense to no do it the natural way though because then that would involve all the hormones that bond you to someone else through sex, even if you don't kiss, because that's just how G-d designed it. Kinda funny how the girl who refuses to kiss anyone until she is married is wondering why people aren't just shacking up if they are trying to have a kid. I know, I am full of ideas and thoughts that make no sense and I promise, the constant incongruities drive me nuts too.
Just something to think about.
Countdown Continuation
I now only have:
Anatomy: 1 lecture and my final
Chemistry: extra credit project and the final
Psych: my final
English: 1 lecture and the final paper
Then I am done. Getting done with the last day of lecture has never been so sweet and I am only half-way done. Tomorrow I have Anatomy, English and then chem lab (which I am actually sad to not be going to anymore) and then time to study for finals! Also, I whipped out 3 1/2 more pages on my English paper this morning before the meeting with my professor and even though I don't know what I am supposed to be writing about, she said it was good. That is a total G-d thing because I am so beyond lost with this paper. She also gave me great advice on how to tweak and continue which is awesome because I had come to the end of what I should write about and didn't know what I was going to say next. I am going to miss my English professor, my psych professor and my chem lab instructor. G-d has blessed me with all good teachers, but they just happen to be my favorites. That's one thing that is unfortunate about schooling of any kind, you are with these teachers/professors and students for several months (sometimes the majority of a year) and then you take a test and never see them again. It's really quite unfortunate because G-d always gives me amazing teachers that really care about their students and the material they are teaching, which shows and is way important.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have been fairly productive today. I am half way through my list of final lectures (only 3 more to go out of 6) and I am slightly optimistic about this summer and my final grades. I am very blessed and G-d is the only one I can thank for that.
Anatomy: 1 lecture and my final
Chemistry: extra credit project and the final
Psych: my final
English: 1 lecture and the final paper
Then I am done. Getting done with the last day of lecture has never been so sweet and I am only half-way done. Tomorrow I have Anatomy, English and then chem lab (which I am actually sad to not be going to anymore) and then time to study for finals! Also, I whipped out 3 1/2 more pages on my English paper this morning before the meeting with my professor and even though I don't know what I am supposed to be writing about, she said it was good. That is a total G-d thing because I am so beyond lost with this paper. She also gave me great advice on how to tweak and continue which is awesome because I had come to the end of what I should write about and didn't know what I was going to say next. I am going to miss my English professor, my psych professor and my chem lab instructor. G-d has blessed me with all good teachers, but they just happen to be my favorites. That's one thing that is unfortunate about schooling of any kind, you are with these teachers/professors and students for several months (sometimes the majority of a year) and then you take a test and never see them again. It's really quite unfortunate because G-d always gives me amazing teachers that really care about their students and the material they are teaching, which shows and is way important.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have been fairly productive today. I am half way through my list of final lectures (only 3 more to go out of 6) and I am slightly optimistic about this summer and my final grades. I am very blessed and G-d is the only one I can thank for that.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “Well, That Works Too!”
Thoughtful Thursday! “Well, That Works Too!”
This will be me. Regardless of whether I can allow all my mothers-to-be calling me at 2 a.m. or not, I will be the one in a funky position so that the mother is as comfortable as possible when she delivers her baby.
This will be me. Regardless of whether I can allow all my mothers-to-be calling me at 2 a.m. or not, I will be the one in a funky position so that the mother is as comfortable as possible when she delivers her baby.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Silly Mom
I just talked to my mom on the phone and mentioned that I think I am mentally unstable and she should get used to the fact that I may not be able to produce offspring for her... She laughed for a solid 5 minutes before being able to talk again.
She says I'm not mentally unstable and that I'm emotionally not mature enough, but she doesn't know the craziness that is in my head all the time! My brain does not even have normal functioning anymore. It's a miracle I can still even breathe on my own and feed myself.
By the way, I just Googled emotionally and mentally unstable, I fit most of the symptoms of emotional instability which means I may have a borderline personality disorder. Good news is that I already knew that. Bad news is that I am a hypochondriac that keeps getting the symptoms confirmed by silly websites online. I should be cut off from the internet because this is not a good situation for me...
On the brightest side, I made my mom laugh. I love making people laugh because it doesn't happen often. Also, I like to know that my mom is not worried about me too much that she can laugh when I bring new ridiculous problem to her.
Back to my paper. I have written a page and a half in a little over 3 hours and 10 pages are due tomorrow. Too bad my teacher can't just count all the posts I've written since sitting down to write said paper.
She says I'm not mentally unstable and that I'm emotionally not mature enough, but she doesn't know the craziness that is in my head all the time! My brain does not even have normal functioning anymore. It's a miracle I can still even breathe on my own and feed myself.
By the way, I just Googled emotionally and mentally unstable, I fit most of the symptoms of emotional instability which means I may have a borderline personality disorder. Good news is that I already knew that. Bad news is that I am a hypochondriac that keeps getting the symptoms confirmed by silly websites online. I should be cut off from the internet because this is not a good situation for me...
On the brightest side, I made my mom laugh. I love making people laugh because it doesn't happen often. Also, I like to know that my mom is not worried about me too much that she can laugh when I bring new ridiculous problem to her.
Back to my paper. I have written a page and a half in a little over 3 hours and 10 pages are due tomorrow. Too bad my teacher can't just count all the posts I've written since sitting down to write said paper.
Repost: Thoughtful Thursday! “I Really Care About You…”
Thoughtful Thursday! “I Really Care About You…”
This is the kind of midwife I want to be. It will be difficult, and I likely will have an even more difficult time being like this once I have kids, but this CNM is inspiring!
This is the kind of midwife I want to be. It will be difficult, and I likely will have an even more difficult time being like this once I have kids, but this CNM is inspiring!
Sweet Relief Is Coming!
I have some great news... I just took my last anatomy lab practical of my life (L-rd willing)!!! I have been studying for this test for such a long time and even though I didn't know all that I would have liked to know, I am pretty sure I passed the test with at least a C. I'm still praying for an A, thinking I got a B, but it could be a C, I don't know. It's that awful time right after a test where I think I did alright which means that I probably bombed it completely, which I just absolutely hate because I get so confused with not knowing how I did. Oh well, it's over now!!! And the countdown begins:
Anatomy: 1 lecture, 1 homework assignment, and my final
Chemistry: 1 lecture, 1 homework assignment, extra credit project, and the final
Psych: 1 lecture, and my final
English: 1 lecture, a meeting with my professor, and the final paper
Then, I get to be on summer break!!!... for a week. But, I am excited for microbiology and I really need to be done with the HESI to get that off my mind too.
Daily Thanksgiving: I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (I don't know if it's daylight or a train barreling towards me but we will soon find out). Summer is a week and a half away. I have a place to stay near school for the summer. I can count down the assignments I have to complete before finals on one hand. I am finished with anatomy lab!!! That, my friends, is a beautiful feeling because I was told it was going to be too hard to take anatomy and chemistry in my first year of college, but G-d brought me through. Even if I only pass the course with a B, He still allowed me to pass by more than the skin on my teeth (meaning I had a buffer with a B as apposed to a C or D).
Anatomy: 1 lecture, 1 homework assignment, and my final
Chemistry: 1 lecture, 1 homework assignment, extra credit project, and the final
Psych: 1 lecture, and my final
English: 1 lecture, a meeting with my professor, and the final paper
Then, I get to be on summer break!!!... for a week. But, I am excited for microbiology and I really need to be done with the HESI to get that off my mind too.
Daily Thanksgiving: I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (I don't know if it's daylight or a train barreling towards me but we will soon find out). Summer is a week and a half away. I have a place to stay near school for the summer. I can count down the assignments I have to complete before finals on one hand. I am finished with anatomy lab!!! That, my friends, is a beautiful feeling because I was told it was going to be too hard to take anatomy and chemistry in my first year of college, but G-d brought me through. Even if I only pass the course with a B, He still allowed me to pass by more than the skin on my teeth (meaning I had a buffer with a B as apposed to a C or D).
Monday, May 6, 2013
Drudgery of Studying
In my ambitious quest to stop my problem with procrastinating, I have somehow managed to still fall behind. Now I have 7 pages of my paper due tomorrow (I've written about 3/4 of a page...) and I have my last anatomy lab test tomorrow but I am not nearly ready to take it! Besides that I'm having to balance my social life with my school work and I am getting really frustrated because no one else seems to care that I need to focus on school alone. Does it seem to happen that everyone wants to talk to you, or visit you, or need something from you as soon as you get into your zone of studying? I almost wish I didn't have a cell phone, computer, or a social life because managing all of these things plus school is making me slightly angry. I know, I could just shut it all off, but what if my mom calls me and needs something? My phone is my only means of communication besides the computer. I guess that means I'm cutting out all my friends. I do better being a loner anyway, that way I don't have to check in, orchestrate meals or events, and I don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings because it's just me, myself, and I. Yep, that's what I have to do, I have to go back to being a loner.
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through my last Monday of legitimate classes of my college Freshman career! I have friends, which may be slightly inconvenient for oddballs like me, but I suppose it's good so that I don't end up talking to myself under a bridge somewhere (more on that story later). I got to the library and got a group study room for myself so that I could draw stuff for the test I have tomorrow and I am beginning to understand some of the material. 3 more days of learning related material then just three finals. Next year, I have a much easier course load even though they will be more challenging. I am very thankful that G-d allowed someone to make dry erase markers, they are so nifty and helpful for anatomy! If you take anatomy, buy yourself some dry erase markers and find yourself a whiteboard, then go nuts with drawings and color-coding and graphs, etc. Then, take pictures of them, make those pictures into a power point and you have yourself a fantastic study guide because you had to figure out how to simplify it to draw it and you learn all the ins and outs of the thing you draw! Also, my depression and anxiety have not been so bad the past few days even though I am very stressed out. G-d got me through the day. He is my Rock and my Abba (Father), I don't really trust anyone but Him because He has never let me down and He has shown me His mercies today (for the millionth time, but for some reason I always forget the amazing things He does).
Okay, so for that story about me living under a bridge... During lab last week, my lab partner and I were more unfocused than normal and so we made up a story with my other friend about us quitting school and living under a bridge in Florida because we have decided school is silly and too stressful to become nurses. We are all in the nursing program by the way (technically pre-nursing until I take the HESI and hopefully get accepted into clinicals, L-rd willing!). So, we are quitting nursing school, hitch-hiking to Florida and finding a bridge to live under. There, we will scrounge for food and, in case of a hurricane, hitch-hike back to a land-locked state until the hurricane ceases. Anybody in?
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through my last Monday of legitimate classes of my college Freshman career! I have friends, which may be slightly inconvenient for oddballs like me, but I suppose it's good so that I don't end up talking to myself under a bridge somewhere (more on that story later). I got to the library and got a group study room for myself so that I could draw stuff for the test I have tomorrow and I am beginning to understand some of the material. 3 more days of learning related material then just three finals. Next year, I have a much easier course load even though they will be more challenging. I am very thankful that G-d allowed someone to make dry erase markers, they are so nifty and helpful for anatomy! If you take anatomy, buy yourself some dry erase markers and find yourself a whiteboard, then go nuts with drawings and color-coding and graphs, etc. Then, take pictures of them, make those pictures into a power point and you have yourself a fantastic study guide because you had to figure out how to simplify it to draw it and you learn all the ins and outs of the thing you draw! Also, my depression and anxiety have not been so bad the past few days even though I am very stressed out. G-d got me through the day. He is my Rock and my Abba (Father), I don't really trust anyone but Him because He has never let me down and He has shown me His mercies today (for the millionth time, but for some reason I always forget the amazing things He does).
Okay, so for that story about me living under a bridge... During lab last week, my lab partner and I were more unfocused than normal and so we made up a story with my other friend about us quitting school and living under a bridge in Florida because we have decided school is silly and too stressful to become nurses. We are all in the nursing program by the way (technically pre-nursing until I take the HESI and hopefully get accepted into clinicals, L-rd willing!). So, we are quitting nursing school, hitch-hiking to Florida and finding a bridge to live under. There, we will scrounge for food and, in case of a hurricane, hitch-hike back to a land-locked state until the hurricane ceases. Anybody in?
Awkward Encounter
In life, there are glorious moments when you put your foot right in you mouth and say something ridiculously foolish. I tend to have those moment several times a day...
This morning on my way to breakfast, I went by to pick up my friend because her dorm room is on the way to the cafeteria. We were talking about another friend, because I was asking for advice, and guess who comes around the corner? Yes, it was the friend we were talking about. The friend I was with just so happened to use the other friends name in a question that can be greatly misconstrued for taking place in a very nasty, gossipy conversation. I assure you, it was not, but I do believe she heard the question and her name because the friend we had mentioned was within ear shot and she was not her usual perky self at breakfast. Why am I so terrible at life? I don't want to bring it up with her on the off-chance that she did not hear anything, but I also do not want it to eat at her.
So, here I am not knowing what to do, yet again.
Folks, this is why I don't talk. Even when I don't talk much and I explain problems to a friend, somehow that information gets out to the world, causing me a lot of problems because I opened my mouth in the first place. I should take a vow of silence, move to the forest and not come into contact with anyone ever again, because I just end up making a fool of myself and hurting everyone.
G-d told us that the things we do in secret will be exposed, right? (Obviously that was paraphrased, but please correct be if I'm wrong.)
This morning on my way to breakfast, I went by to pick up my friend because her dorm room is on the way to the cafeteria. We were talking about another friend, because I was asking for advice, and guess who comes around the corner? Yes, it was the friend we were talking about. The friend I was with just so happened to use the other friends name in a question that can be greatly misconstrued for taking place in a very nasty, gossipy conversation. I assure you, it was not, but I do believe she heard the question and her name because the friend we had mentioned was within ear shot and she was not her usual perky self at breakfast. Why am I so terrible at life? I don't want to bring it up with her on the off-chance that she did not hear anything, but I also do not want it to eat at her.
So, here I am not knowing what to do, yet again.
Folks, this is why I don't talk. Even when I don't talk much and I explain problems to a friend, somehow that information gets out to the world, causing me a lot of problems because I opened my mouth in the first place. I should take a vow of silence, move to the forest and not come into contact with anyone ever again, because I just end up making a fool of myself and hurting everyone.
G-d told us that the things we do in secret will be exposed, right? (Obviously that was paraphrased, but please correct be if I'm wrong.)
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Heavy Heart
Have there been a lot of deaths recently for you too? For some reason there have been 3 students that have passed away in the past two weeks at college and several residents from work have passed away. I don't understand this. Plus, my great-grandpa died a few weeks ago as well, but I didn't get to go to the funeral because I wasn't really invited. That's a complicated story though.
Let's just delve into the basics. We don't talk to my mom's side of the family because her mom abused her. When my brother and I were born, my mom tried to take us over to see her parents so that we would know them, but my grandma just ended up yelling at my brother and I when we were about 3 and 4 years old. So, long story short, my mom hasn't actively taken us to see them because it's not worth it to get abused by my grandma. I still love her and I still love my grandpa (her husband). Now, it was her father who passed, and I had only met him a handful of times, so while I'm sad that he passed away without me being able to better get to know him, I have peace because he did not treat my mom right or his wife right (when she was alive). I'm sad that I was not able to show him more of the love of Yeshua. One of the last times I saw him was at my cousins graduation party and he came over and sat at the table I was sitting at. Since it was just him and me at the table, he asked if I knew who he was. I said that I didn't because I did not know his name, but I did know that he was my great-grandpa. This upset him pretty bad and he called over my great-aunt and they both gave me a 15-20 minute lecture about how I am supposed to know who my family is and so on. Even though I was hurt because I had gotten yelled at (I was 12 or 13 at the time), I still love(d) him. Funny thing is though, it's not the kid's responsibility to keep in tough with grandparents and great-grandparents when they are still kids. I couldn't drive to go see him and it was not my responsibility to go on a great quest to find out where he lived or to get his phone number in order to contact him first, I was a child. It's a bummer that he didn't reach out to me, because I like getting to know my family because they are kin and I don't have a whole lot of blood relatives that my family talks to because both of my parents were abused as children. Regardless, G-d puts pseudo family into my life, always. I have the largest family now because of all of my "adopted" aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and siblings. I wouldn't trade the relationships I have with them, or the love that we all share because we chose each other, for anything. I know that G-d has allowed me to be blessed with so many amazing, supportive, down-to-earth people who choose to be in my family instead of feeling stuck with me. Also, they don't manipulate, yell, or otherwise harm me, which is still not something I'm used to and my parents don't abuse my brother or I. Still, I have had many, many, many unhealthy, abusive and manipulative friendships that have seriously scarred me. G-d brings me through every time and He is teaching me who to trust, how to trust and how much to trust certain people with. He is teaching me boundaries and forgiveness, but these are brutal lessons to learn.
Daily Thanksgiving: Work went well today, I got to work with one of my favorite CNA's today and work went by really fast. Two more weeks of school and they are going to fly by because I am too busy to even be able to breathe, let alone pee or eat. G-d heals broken hearts and heals scars. His mercies never end and His love is unfailing. I am not alone, even though I often feel alone.
Let's just delve into the basics. We don't talk to my mom's side of the family because her mom abused her. When my brother and I were born, my mom tried to take us over to see her parents so that we would know them, but my grandma just ended up yelling at my brother and I when we were about 3 and 4 years old. So, long story short, my mom hasn't actively taken us to see them because it's not worth it to get abused by my grandma. I still love her and I still love my grandpa (her husband). Now, it was her father who passed, and I had only met him a handful of times, so while I'm sad that he passed away without me being able to better get to know him, I have peace because he did not treat my mom right or his wife right (when she was alive). I'm sad that I was not able to show him more of the love of Yeshua. One of the last times I saw him was at my cousins graduation party and he came over and sat at the table I was sitting at. Since it was just him and me at the table, he asked if I knew who he was. I said that I didn't because I did not know his name, but I did know that he was my great-grandpa. This upset him pretty bad and he called over my great-aunt and they both gave me a 15-20 minute lecture about how I am supposed to know who my family is and so on. Even though I was hurt because I had gotten yelled at (I was 12 or 13 at the time), I still love(d) him. Funny thing is though, it's not the kid's responsibility to keep in tough with grandparents and great-grandparents when they are still kids. I couldn't drive to go see him and it was not my responsibility to go on a great quest to find out where he lived or to get his phone number in order to contact him first, I was a child. It's a bummer that he didn't reach out to me, because I like getting to know my family because they are kin and I don't have a whole lot of blood relatives that my family talks to because both of my parents were abused as children. Regardless, G-d puts pseudo family into my life, always. I have the largest family now because of all of my "adopted" aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and siblings. I wouldn't trade the relationships I have with them, or the love that we all share because we chose each other, for anything. I know that G-d has allowed me to be blessed with so many amazing, supportive, down-to-earth people who choose to be in my family instead of feeling stuck with me. Also, they don't manipulate, yell, or otherwise harm me, which is still not something I'm used to and my parents don't abuse my brother or I. Still, I have had many, many, many unhealthy, abusive and manipulative friendships that have seriously scarred me. G-d brings me through every time and He is teaching me who to trust, how to trust and how much to trust certain people with. He is teaching me boundaries and forgiveness, but these are brutal lessons to learn.
Daily Thanksgiving: Work went well today, I got to work with one of my favorite CNA's today and work went by really fast. Two more weeks of school and they are going to fly by because I am too busy to even be able to breathe, let alone pee or eat. G-d heals broken hearts and heals scars. His mercies never end and His love is unfailing. I am not alone, even though I often feel alone.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Gettin' Nervous
Guys, it's coming down to the wire for so many things. The HESI is in 4 weeks, finals are the week after next, it's time to find an apartment, and I also need to transfer to a hospital so I can work more. So many things to do, it's just a tad bit overwhelming.
Yes, I finally registered for the HESI. I take it in the beginning of June and L-rd willing I pass the test with a high enough score that I can get accepted into nursing school! I forked over the $90 virtually and I'm a little saddened that I had to pay about 1/3 of my paycheck to taking a test. I guess that just means that I really have to study hard and do well so I don't have to take it again.
Currently, I'm at the library working on not procrastinating so much and I'm starting a bunch of my assignment early! So, the procrastinating is only getting cut slightly because I should probably not be writing right now, but I'm a work in progress...
Our apartment hunting went really well today. We found some great places and they are close to school. It scares me a little bit because 1) I'm moving out of my parents house which is so weird and 2) the places that we can afford all smell strange and have some shady characters. Regardless, we found some better places that are still cheap and one doesn't smell terribly funky, so we are making head-way.
Job applications are yet to be sent in. I have heard that I should be able to transfer to a hospital in the same family of owners, so hopefully that is true and I can start working 12 hour shifts instead of 8 hour shifts or a double. I don't think I can handle working a double, I would probably collapse from exhaustion.
Daily Thanksgiving: Apartment hunting was a success, we are closer to the end of our process. G-d kept us safe from the silly drivers found in our little town, because there are some creative driving styles here. I made it to the library instead of taking a nap, which is a success. I also started my 10 page paper a week early, which is a new concept for me, but I hope that when I finish that I feel good. Hopefully that good feeling can translate into the rest of my life and motivate me to not procrastinate and cut down my stress levels. I was feeling pretty sick earlier, but I think G-d is healing me before I actually get super sick! It's a beautiful day out and I may just be able to play football with my friends later. Also, G-d is decreasing my worry and helping me to get my work done before it's all due the same day. I got to have chick-fil-a for lunch which is probably my favorite fast food place ever because they have really nice staff and delicious food.
Yes, I finally registered for the HESI. I take it in the beginning of June and L-rd willing I pass the test with a high enough score that I can get accepted into nursing school! I forked over the $90 virtually and I'm a little saddened that I had to pay about 1/3 of my paycheck to taking a test. I guess that just means that I really have to study hard and do well so I don't have to take it again.
Currently, I'm at the library working on not procrastinating so much and I'm starting a bunch of my assignment early! So, the procrastinating is only getting cut slightly because I should probably not be writing right now, but I'm a work in progress...
Our apartment hunting went really well today. We found some great places and they are close to school. It scares me a little bit because 1) I'm moving out of my parents house which is so weird and 2) the places that we can afford all smell strange and have some shady characters. Regardless, we found some better places that are still cheap and one doesn't smell terribly funky, so we are making head-way.
Job applications are yet to be sent in. I have heard that I should be able to transfer to a hospital in the same family of owners, so hopefully that is true and I can start working 12 hour shifts instead of 8 hour shifts or a double. I don't think I can handle working a double, I would probably collapse from exhaustion.
Daily Thanksgiving: Apartment hunting was a success, we are closer to the end of our process. G-d kept us safe from the silly drivers found in our little town, because there are some creative driving styles here. I made it to the library instead of taking a nap, which is a success. I also started my 10 page paper a week early, which is a new concept for me, but I hope that when I finish that I feel good. Hopefully that good feeling can translate into the rest of my life and motivate me to not procrastinate and cut down my stress levels. I was feeling pretty sick earlier, but I think G-d is healing me before I actually get super sick! It's a beautiful day out and I may just be able to play football with my friends later. Also, G-d is decreasing my worry and helping me to get my work done before it's all due the same day. I got to have chick-fil-a for lunch which is probably my favorite fast food place ever because they have really nice staff and delicious food.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
I'm Just Curious
So, as you probably know from past posts, I am able to see where people are logging in from. Well, I can see their country. And on the right hand side of my blog, there is a little thing that sometimes shows what state or city people are logging in from. However, for a large majority of people logging on and reading, I have no clue where you come from.
You don't have to tell me, but I would really like to know where y'all are from! Just comment below with a state or province or somethings and let's all get to know each other!
Also, I've noticed that people have a lot of questions regarding my faith because it's not necessarily widely known. Do you have any questions or comments?
You don't have to tell me, but I would really like to know where y'all are from! Just comment below with a state or province or somethings and let's all get to know each other!
Also, I've noticed that people have a lot of questions regarding my faith because it's not necessarily widely known. Do you have any questions or comments?
Presentation Done!
I hate talking in front of people. Public speaking is worse for me than taking a pop quiz, I just hate it. Today, I had to give a ten minute presentation on my paper for English. It went alright, not great, but I wasn't super nervous because G-d calmed my nerves a little bit. But, now it is done which means that besides homework, I only have: 3 finals, 2 lab tests, and a 10-12 page paper standing between me and my week-long summer break!
I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.
In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.
Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.
So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.
Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...
Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.
I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.
In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.
Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.
So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.
Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...
Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Tiny Rant
First of all, tomorrow is the only thing standing between me and the last two weeks of my first year of college!!! It's crazy to think that I'm already here because this year went by in a blur of insanity. But, G-d has brought me through to this point and I am very glad for it. Now, I just need Him to get me through finals and, L-rd willing, bring up my grades.
Rant: Also, today was the first day we could register for the HESI which is good and bad. The good news is that I remembered and there are spots open in the location closest to my house. Bad news is that I am broke and the test was supposed to be $65, now it's $90! I know! What on earth is going on here!?! I don't have that kind of money. I don't really have any money right now because I have to pay car insurance, buy my microbio book, groceries, gas, and a bunch of other stuff. So, I can't even register and hold my spot until I get nearly one hundred dollars into my bank account. Hopefully there will still be a spot open for me on a day that will work with my summer work and school schedule. The end.
I found out a couple days ago that I get one week off for summer break. That's it. Thankfully, G-d orchestrated everything so that my brother's graduation from high school is during that week so I can go and see him walk across the stage and get his diploma. But after that it is school and work all summer, just to take a week-long intensive interim course before legit fall courses begin. If I wasn't taking the interim class, I would have another week long break at the end of micro, but I'm trying to be an achiever (because I'm not an over-achiever by anyone's standards).
The snow is still coming down. It's even getting cold enough outside that the snow is starting to stick on the sidewalks, but it's just slush right now because of the water left from when it was warmer today. Slush is so incredibly hazardous for the accident prone people like me, my goodness! I think I just need to be strapped to the floor in a padded room for the rest of my life to prevent anymore accidents, injuries, or problems. It seems like I can just breathe and cause problems.
Psych was also pretty interesting today. We talked about stress and took a couple self-tests/survey things. I learned that I am a 10/17 on the type A scale (I am kinda type A) and I also scored a fifty-something (out of 70) on the procrastination scale... So, these tests just confirmed that I procrastinate, a LOT. But I didn't know I was a type A person! That kinda got me down in the dumps a little, but whatever, I can change. I plan on changing both things actually so that I don't procrastinate as much, to hopefully lead to better grades, and also so that I am not so uptight and type A. Changing these two things should help with stress, and hopefully anxiety and depression as well. The only way I can change though is if G-d changes me. I've tried doing it by myself and I can't do it, I only make the whole situation worse.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d has brought me to the near end of my first year of college! He has also kept me safe from major injury for most of my life, regardless of slush on the sidewalks or my foolish decisions in entertainment. I get paid this Friday, so hopefully I can pay for the HESI. Psych is awesome and I love my teacher in that class. I actually like all of my teachers. G-d has allowed me to get into micro at a different school, without jumping through too many hoops, and now I'm able to take that over the summer!
Rant: Also, today was the first day we could register for the HESI which is good and bad. The good news is that I remembered and there are spots open in the location closest to my house. Bad news is that I am broke and the test was supposed to be $65, now it's $90! I know! What on earth is going on here!?! I don't have that kind of money. I don't really have any money right now because I have to pay car insurance, buy my microbio book, groceries, gas, and a bunch of other stuff. So, I can't even register and hold my spot until I get nearly one hundred dollars into my bank account. Hopefully there will still be a spot open for me on a day that will work with my summer work and school schedule. The end.
I found out a couple days ago that I get one week off for summer break. That's it. Thankfully, G-d orchestrated everything so that my brother's graduation from high school is during that week so I can go and see him walk across the stage and get his diploma. But after that it is school and work all summer, just to take a week-long intensive interim course before legit fall courses begin. If I wasn't taking the interim class, I would have another week long break at the end of micro, but I'm trying to be an achiever (because I'm not an over-achiever by anyone's standards).
The snow is still coming down. It's even getting cold enough outside that the snow is starting to stick on the sidewalks, but it's just slush right now because of the water left from when it was warmer today. Slush is so incredibly hazardous for the accident prone people like me, my goodness! I think I just need to be strapped to the floor in a padded room for the rest of my life to prevent anymore accidents, injuries, or problems. It seems like I can just breathe and cause problems.
Psych was also pretty interesting today. We talked about stress and took a couple self-tests/survey things. I learned that I am a 10/17 on the type A scale (I am kinda type A) and I also scored a fifty-something (out of 70) on the procrastination scale... So, these tests just confirmed that I procrastinate, a LOT. But I didn't know I was a type A person! That kinda got me down in the dumps a little, but whatever, I can change. I plan on changing both things actually so that I don't procrastinate as much, to hopefully lead to better grades, and also so that I am not so uptight and type A. Changing these two things should help with stress, and hopefully anxiety and depression as well. The only way I can change though is if G-d changes me. I've tried doing it by myself and I can't do it, I only make the whole situation worse.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d has brought me to the near end of my first year of college! He has also kept me safe from major injury for most of my life, regardless of slush on the sidewalks or my foolish decisions in entertainment. I get paid this Friday, so hopefully I can pay for the HESI. Psych is awesome and I love my teacher in that class. I actually like all of my teachers. G-d has allowed me to get into micro at a different school, without jumping through too many hoops, and now I'm able to take that over the summer!
Dear Weather...
Dear weather,
I know you don't control yourself, G-d controls you, but let's just have a tiny little chat. I love snow, don't get me wrong, but it's May... So if we could just go back the the gorgeous weather we had a few days ago, that'd be great! I'm thinkin' some sun, maybe 70-75 degrees (Fahrenheit), and no wind but just the slightest breeze so it doesn't get too hot. Also, if it seems like some kind of precipitation has to happen, let's go for a 4 p.m. rainstorm that lasts a maximum of twenty minutes, then clears up to the sunny, warm summer nights I love so much.
You're a doll!
Sincerely,
BedpanAlley
I know you don't control yourself, G-d controls you, but let's just have a tiny little chat. I love snow, don't get me wrong, but it's May... So if we could just go back the the gorgeous weather we had a few days ago, that'd be great! I'm thinkin' some sun, maybe 70-75 degrees (Fahrenheit), and no wind but just the slightest breeze so it doesn't get too hot. Also, if it seems like some kind of precipitation has to happen, let's go for a 4 p.m. rainstorm that lasts a maximum of twenty minutes, then clears up to the sunny, warm summer nights I love so much.
You're a doll!
Sincerely,
BedpanAlley
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