Y'all, I'm so exhausted. I am ready for school to be over (1.5 weeks of learning left, then 1 week of finals). I am ready to know where I am going to live next year and I would really like to be able to get a job in a hospital soon! Also, I just want the HESI to be over with (unfortunately, I have not begun studying for it yet...) L-rd willing, I will get into nursing school for fall 2013, but I don't know if that's going to happen and it's stressing me out. At least today is my last lab before my very last anatomy practical (lab test) so I am almost done with A&P. Funny thing is, I just realized that as I was typing. Seeing as I dislike this class very much, I thought I would have had a count-down long ago, but it never even crossed my mind. School just needs to be over and I need to be a nurse and/or a midwife already!!!!!!!!
That brings me to another point of interest: Should I continue on with school for midwifery as soon as I graduate with my BSN? Should I work as a nurse for awhile then go back to school? What if I get married? What about children? Where will I be? Will I even get married? Am I even able to reproduce? How am I going to be able to pay for midwifery school and pay off my undergrad debt? Will I become a nurse at all? Will I even live to see 3-5 years from now? What am I doing here?
I don't know. I have no answers to any of these questions and there is a good chance I will not have any answers for awhile, or at least until G-d decides to tell me what's going on. Maybe He never will and I will just be here, living, doing stuff without knowing why I am doing anything at all...
Yes, I'm still in a funk from the last couple of weeks and it's starting to cause pain in my shoulders and I am not sleeping as well anymore (even with magnesium!).
Daily Thanksgiving: I am not in control of my life, G-d is. If I were in control, my life would be awful! But G-d holds my past, present, and future and He knows what He's doing. I am almost finished with school for the Spring 2013 semester. Summer is almost here which means I only have 1 class for a few months and I will be able to work a lot more in order to save up a little bit for an apartment. My past/future roommate (the same person, it's a long story but I've written about it before) and I found quite a few nice apartments. Some places even have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms on our price range! I am almost not a freshman and I am almost 1/4-1/5 of the way done with my undergrad degree (depending if I get into the nursing program in the Fall of 2013 or not). G-d is teaching me, yet again, to not worry and to trust Him.
It just occurred to me that I should be telling you guys about my favorite verses and the Bible stories I am reading! So here is one of my favorite verses, I can't remember if I've shared it with you yet or not.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
He gave me that verse one day when I was sobbing because of my anxiety about the future. Funny how He has the exact right words to give you and He meets you were you are.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Bad Habits
The funny thing about habits is that it is difficult to train yourself in good habits, but bad habits get picked up without our awareness. Did you know you can also teach people habits? Like the habit of how others treat you, or act around you. Sometimes it even the habit of asking/not asking you for things. Of course, these are only just a few little things that can become other peoples habits of interaction with you, but you can totally control how you allow them to treat you in the first place!
Unfortunately, I have allowed my friends to develop bad habits when it comes to being with me. Things that are pet peeves of mine, but also very disrespectful behaviors towards me. These behaviors are difficult to stop and reverse, my goodness! This is all about boundaries too. If you set up your boundaries in the first place, and keep them firm, then your friends will quickly learn to avoid trying to push them aside. If you don't know your boundaries until after a behavior has already started, it can be very difficult to change their actions after they have become accustomed to treating you a certain way. So, since I did not have proper boundaries (because I was unaware I needed boundaries for something, or I was unsure how to enforce boundaries I had already deemed worthy of respecting) and my friends have learned to interact with me without those boundaries, I am in a mess with several of my friends. Some of the interactions are not terrible, and the boundaries are more to keep me from getting hurt by people taking advantage of me or to avoid friends being rude to me without thinking twice about it. However, some are relating to things beyond just myself, and they are reaching into my future with my husband, my children, and the rest of my life. Of course, all boundaries are reaching into areas that I have discussed with G-d and have been set as ways to avoid sin and temptation (whether that be temtation to fight back when someone is making fun of me for no reason to get some laughs, or the temptation to do things outside of marriage that I have determined - with G-d - are not things I am going to do).
So, how do I begin enforcing boundaries now that many of them have been broken? I have no clue and that is causing me a great deal of distress. For now, I will pray about it and hopefully I will be able to get back to you with how to do this and also how it is working...
Daily Thanksgiving: I only have 3 weeks of school left, including finals week. My anxiety about grades has gone down because G-d is helping me to accept that I cannot change the grades that I have already received. Work is getting better and the weather was beautiful today!
Today was just a strange day for me. Did anyone else have a weird day? I couldn't explain it, but I was angry and super cynical and on edge. Maybe it's because I got my chem test back and realized I made really silly mistakes. Perhaps it the fact that Z is so upset about what happened with B this weekend. Or it could be any number of other things on my long, long, LONG list of things that I am stressed out about and trying to give to G-d. I don't know, but I wanted to punch something and not talk to anyone. In fact, I still want to punch something and have no social interaction for a long time, as of now anyway... This has lasted for a few days, but it's just now getting much worse so that it is almost tangible with me.
Unfortunately, I have allowed my friends to develop bad habits when it comes to being with me. Things that are pet peeves of mine, but also very disrespectful behaviors towards me. These behaviors are difficult to stop and reverse, my goodness! This is all about boundaries too. If you set up your boundaries in the first place, and keep them firm, then your friends will quickly learn to avoid trying to push them aside. If you don't know your boundaries until after a behavior has already started, it can be very difficult to change their actions after they have become accustomed to treating you a certain way. So, since I did not have proper boundaries (because I was unaware I needed boundaries for something, or I was unsure how to enforce boundaries I had already deemed worthy of respecting) and my friends have learned to interact with me without those boundaries, I am in a mess with several of my friends. Some of the interactions are not terrible, and the boundaries are more to keep me from getting hurt by people taking advantage of me or to avoid friends being rude to me without thinking twice about it. However, some are relating to things beyond just myself, and they are reaching into my future with my husband, my children, and the rest of my life. Of course, all boundaries are reaching into areas that I have discussed with G-d and have been set as ways to avoid sin and temptation (whether that be temtation to fight back when someone is making fun of me for no reason to get some laughs, or the temptation to do things outside of marriage that I have determined - with G-d - are not things I am going to do).
So, how do I begin enforcing boundaries now that many of them have been broken? I have no clue and that is causing me a great deal of distress. For now, I will pray about it and hopefully I will be able to get back to you with how to do this and also how it is working...
Daily Thanksgiving: I only have 3 weeks of school left, including finals week. My anxiety about grades has gone down because G-d is helping me to accept that I cannot change the grades that I have already received. Work is getting better and the weather was beautiful today!
Today was just a strange day for me. Did anyone else have a weird day? I couldn't explain it, but I was angry and super cynical and on edge. Maybe it's because I got my chem test back and realized I made really silly mistakes. Perhaps it the fact that Z is so upset about what happened with B this weekend. Or it could be any number of other things on my long, long, LONG list of things that I am stressed out about and trying to give to G-d. I don't know, but I wanted to punch something and not talk to anyone. In fact, I still want to punch something and have no social interaction for a long time, as of now anyway... This has lasted for a few days, but it's just now getting much worse so that it is almost tangible with me.
Dating Drama
No, this is not another rant about my current dilemma in the pre-dating phase of my life, this is about a very dear friend of mine. Its about my friends B, P, and Z (P = my guy friend who likes me, B = P's roommate, Z = my close girl friend who is in cahoots with P). Does it feel like algebra again?
Anyway, Z has (had) a crush on B while P had a crush on me. So, P and Z decided to form an alliance and take B and I down. Why? I don't know. Currently I have a theory that there are too many pheromones and hormones going around and since it's spring, people begin to look for mates... This is likely not the case, but that's what I'm sticking with because for girls and guys around the nation, last week sucked in the dating world (at least in my group of friends which includes many more than just these three people).
So, Z had my guy friend (P) ask B if he liked Z or not. Z and P were assuming he had no idea of what was going on, like they assumed I had no idea what was going on. But B had a hunch that she was into him, but he did not "feel" the same way about her. Now my friends heart is broken, but she is taking it like a champ. B probably does not know that Z knows because P told him that Z did not know. For now, everyone is acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I don't know what to do. I think B probably doesn't either. Knowing all that has gone on behind the scenes of Z and B, I wonder who knows about P and I. Also, I wonder what is going on and how big of a mess I'm really in because I am obviously only aware of the tip of this iceberg, like B is only aware of the smallest little bit of his iceberg. I am quite convinced I'm going down like the Titanic... Poor B, I just don't like that he is not aware of everything going on because I don't like not knowing all that is going on. Maybe he doesn't care, but I have a feeling he knows more than anyone else knows because I know more than I am supposed to know about my ordeal.
I'm going to need a therapist after this.
At least I am learning about my vast amount of shortcomings when it comes to being a human that, unfortunately, has to interact with other humans that occasionally develop crushes. If more people knew the science behind attraction, would there be less romantic relationships and therefore less unnecessary heartbreak? This science is fascinating to me because it explains all that I cannot understand about other because I have not really been the type of girl to think a guy is "hot" or anything like that. I have never had a boyfriend, and at this point don't really want one (at least for a few more years) but I may never want one. But the explanations and science behind dating, attraction, kissing, etc. is so fascinating and I know what's going on in P. If he knew, then it probably wouldn't be the same because he may chalk it up to pheromones and hormones like I am...
I need to do more research because research is comforting to me. I'll let you guys know what I find. In the meantime, enjoy some facts about kissing (also part of my reasons to not kiss anyone until I kiss my husband on my wedding day):
Anyway, Z has (had) a crush on B while P had a crush on me. So, P and Z decided to form an alliance and take B and I down. Why? I don't know. Currently I have a theory that there are too many pheromones and hormones going around and since it's spring, people begin to look for mates... This is likely not the case, but that's what I'm sticking with because for girls and guys around the nation, last week sucked in the dating world (at least in my group of friends which includes many more than just these three people).
So, Z had my guy friend (P) ask B if he liked Z or not. Z and P were assuming he had no idea of what was going on, like they assumed I had no idea what was going on. But B had a hunch that she was into him, but he did not "feel" the same way about her. Now my friends heart is broken, but she is taking it like a champ. B probably does not know that Z knows because P told him that Z did not know. For now, everyone is acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I don't know what to do. I think B probably doesn't either. Knowing all that has gone on behind the scenes of Z and B, I wonder who knows about P and I. Also, I wonder what is going on and how big of a mess I'm really in because I am obviously only aware of the tip of this iceberg, like B is only aware of the smallest little bit of his iceberg. I am quite convinced I'm going down like the Titanic... Poor B, I just don't like that he is not aware of everything going on because I don't like not knowing all that is going on. Maybe he doesn't care, but I have a feeling he knows more than anyone else knows because I know more than I am supposed to know about my ordeal.
I'm going to need a therapist after this.
At least I am learning about my vast amount of shortcomings when it comes to being a human that, unfortunately, has to interact with other humans that occasionally develop crushes. If more people knew the science behind attraction, would there be less romantic relationships and therefore less unnecessary heartbreak? This science is fascinating to me because it explains all that I cannot understand about other because I have not really been the type of girl to think a guy is "hot" or anything like that. I have never had a boyfriend, and at this point don't really want one (at least for a few more years) but I may never want one. But the explanations and science behind dating, attraction, kissing, etc. is so fascinating and I know what's going on in P. If he knew, then it probably wouldn't be the same because he may chalk it up to pheromones and hormones like I am...
I need to do more research because research is comforting to me. I'll let you guys know what I find. In the meantime, enjoy some facts about kissing (also part of my reasons to not kiss anyone until I kiss my husband on my wedding day):
- Prostitutes do not kiss their clients because it leads to feelings of attachment
- When you kiss someone, hormones are transferred between the two people (especially testosterone and oxytocin - which you likely know leads to feelings of attachment)
- It uses a bunch of muscles in your face which may keep you looking younger
- Kissing burns calories, but not a huge amount
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Super Simple
I'm staying simple today because I'm exhausted and ready for bed!
So, here are my Daily Thanksgivings: I had an excellent day at work today. My residents are making work more fun, now that I am finally getting slightly faster. Also, G-d is making work much easier for me. Today's weather was absolutely gorgeous! I was able to talk to one of my friends about something that I had been scared to talk about, and it actually went really well and I disguised it as a joke, but they got the message. Praise the L-rd for that!!!
Also, 3 weeks of school left before summer! I know I am using a lot of exclamation points, but it's just a good day. I am so ready to be done with school and I am ready to no longer be a freshman. L-rd willing, I will only have 3 years left until I'm a nurse, but we will see how that goes...
How are y'all doing? Any exciting news? Any advice for the HESI coming up here shortly? Are any of you fixin' to take it this summer too? (Lots of questions I know, but join in the conversation, I would love to hear from you and we can freak out about grades and nursing school together!)
So, here are my Daily Thanksgivings: I had an excellent day at work today. My residents are making work more fun, now that I am finally getting slightly faster. Also, G-d is making work much easier for me. Today's weather was absolutely gorgeous! I was able to talk to one of my friends about something that I had been scared to talk about, and it actually went really well and I disguised it as a joke, but they got the message. Praise the L-rd for that!!!
Also, 3 weeks of school left before summer! I know I am using a lot of exclamation points, but it's just a good day. I am so ready to be done with school and I am ready to no longer be a freshman. L-rd willing, I will only have 3 years left until I'm a nurse, but we will see how that goes...
How are y'all doing? Any exciting news? Any advice for the HESI coming up here shortly? Are any of you fixin' to take it this summer too? (Lots of questions I know, but join in the conversation, I would love to hear from you and we can freak out about grades and nursing school together!)
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Rejuvinated
Shabbat Shalom!
Today I went to shul (congregation), for the first time in a month and it was so good. G-d let the worship team sing some of my all-time favorite songs and I found out that I will be done with school by their Shavuot celebration so I get to dance with the dance team!!! I have missed dancing so much, and I didn't even do it all that much. But for some reason, it gets out in physical form what I want to do when worshiping. I can't really explain it, but oh how I love to dance! Only Davidic dancing, not slow dancing or prom dancing or anything, only the stuff for worship. Do me a favor and look up Davidic dancing or messianic worship dancing, or something about Hebrew dances or anything like that. Truly, if more churches danced the way David did, I think we would be better at expressing ourselves and our love for G-d because it doesn't matter what we look like, so long as we are giving G-d praise with every fiber, cell, atom of our being. Also, every since I saw Prince of Egypt by Dreamworks, I wanted to dance like they danced at that dinner party. Now I do! You have no idea how excited I was when I first went to our congregation and realized I could potentially dance like they danced.
Anyway, it was an excellent Shabbat. G-d made a lot of stuff a whole lot clearer, I am on my way to getting right with Him and I pray that He will handle my life. Lately, I have been trying to figure life out which always gets me into trouble. I need to rely solely on Him, because when I do, He allows everything else to fall into place and He even improves my grades when I focus on Him and not necessarily on school. Foolish me, I had to try to drive the car of my life again. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to fully relinquish all of my life for the rest of my life, without trying to take control of stuff again, because I'm human. By the time He is in full control, I will likely be home with Him. But, for right now, I have Shalom. This peace that I have not felt in such a long time, and joy; both came over me today in worship and it was like a cold drink of water on a scorching hot day. A cool, sweet breeze in the midst of hot, muggy weather. My worries are at rest tonight and my brain is free for the first time in months. Life is never too much for G-d to handle and He performs miracles, some that we don't even see, every day. He is to incredible, gracious, holy, mighty and gentle.
Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to go to shul and dance today. I found out I get to be home for Shavuot (more on what that is to come). G-d provides me with the desires of my heart like dancing, the songs I love, and so much more. He has given me peace and rest from the worries and anxiety I bring on myself. He is so great and merciful and amazing. I had a wonderful day. Also, he brought me home safe and He brought me back to school safely!
Today I went to shul (congregation), for the first time in a month and it was so good. G-d let the worship team sing some of my all-time favorite songs and I found out that I will be done with school by their Shavuot celebration so I get to dance with the dance team!!! I have missed dancing so much, and I didn't even do it all that much. But for some reason, it gets out in physical form what I want to do when worshiping. I can't really explain it, but oh how I love to dance! Only Davidic dancing, not slow dancing or prom dancing or anything, only the stuff for worship. Do me a favor and look up Davidic dancing or messianic worship dancing, or something about Hebrew dances or anything like that. Truly, if more churches danced the way David did, I think we would be better at expressing ourselves and our love for G-d because it doesn't matter what we look like, so long as we are giving G-d praise with every fiber, cell, atom of our being. Also, every since I saw Prince of Egypt by Dreamworks, I wanted to dance like they danced at that dinner party. Now I do! You have no idea how excited I was when I first went to our congregation and realized I could potentially dance like they danced.
Anyway, it was an excellent Shabbat. G-d made a lot of stuff a whole lot clearer, I am on my way to getting right with Him and I pray that He will handle my life. Lately, I have been trying to figure life out which always gets me into trouble. I need to rely solely on Him, because when I do, He allows everything else to fall into place and He even improves my grades when I focus on Him and not necessarily on school. Foolish me, I had to try to drive the car of my life again. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to fully relinquish all of my life for the rest of my life, without trying to take control of stuff again, because I'm human. By the time He is in full control, I will likely be home with Him. But, for right now, I have Shalom. This peace that I have not felt in such a long time, and joy; both came over me today in worship and it was like a cold drink of water on a scorching hot day. A cool, sweet breeze in the midst of hot, muggy weather. My worries are at rest tonight and my brain is free for the first time in months. Life is never too much for G-d to handle and He performs miracles, some that we don't even see, every day. He is to incredible, gracious, holy, mighty and gentle.
Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to go to shul and dance today. I found out I get to be home for Shavuot (more on what that is to come). G-d provides me with the desires of my heart like dancing, the songs I love, and so much more. He has given me peace and rest from the worries and anxiety I bring on myself. He is so great and merciful and amazing. I had a wonderful day. Also, he brought me home safe and He brought me back to school safely!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Quality Time
Hopefully you have heard about "love languages". I find them to be valuable pieces of information that help me get to know and understand people. My love language, according to the quizzes I've taken, is quality time. Today, I got to spend loads of quality time with my mama. I love that woman! I am so blessed to have her. We talked about boys, work, friends, school, and so on. The beauty about talking with her is that she understands extraverted people, while I don't even understand myself. She gives me advice on everything, regardless of what it is. I am so very thankful that G-d gave her wisdom and insight into my life and me. I am an oddball, she knows it, everyone knows it. But she understands my boundaries and is the only person not trying to make my boundaries more like everyone else's. Even my mentors from church tell me that my boundaries are too outlandish and that I should loosen up. My mom, however, understands them and she sticks by my decision to keep them as strict as they are.
So we went to lunch, then we went shopping and talked for a couple hours. Then I went with my brother to go get coffee (even though it's really hot here already) and we drove all over Kingdom Come looking for a bank. I've lived here for almost my whole life and I still get lost! What's wrong with me? Then I forgot my debit card in the drive-up ATM... thankfully the car behind me found it, then stalked me to a parking lot where he returned it. Okay, he didn't really stalk me, I just pulled over to walk into the bank instead of using the ATM, but it was so sweet of him to bring my card back! It was also smart on his part, because he would have only had a few bucks, because I'm nearly broke...
Daily Thanksgiving: I don't have to be around people today. I got to go to lunch with my mama and work some stuff out in my life. I was able to spend time with my brother and we didn't get in a car wreck! I am alive. G-d allowed today's weather to be so beautiful! Also, I got to go on a walk with my dog, who I miss and love so very much. I am also thankful that my platelet donation went so well this morning.
I forgot to mention my platelet donation! It was good. I love donating blood and platelets, mostly because I like watching them use needles, and it's also pretty cool to see your blood and plasma and platelets... I'm just kind of sick that way, I guess. I've done this a few times and normally my lips just get tingly, but this time I looked down, then my eyes went crossed-eyed. I didn't make them do it either! Then, they got stuck like that for about 15-25 seconds!!! It was so freaky, I thought I was going to pass out, or die, or go blind or something. Fortunately I didn't, but I probably should have told someone about it because it happened a few times... I told my mom and she freaked out a little and said I should have informed them about it, but I'm good. I hope I'm okay.
So we went to lunch, then we went shopping and talked for a couple hours. Then I went with my brother to go get coffee (even though it's really hot here already) and we drove all over Kingdom Come looking for a bank. I've lived here for almost my whole life and I still get lost! What's wrong with me? Then I forgot my debit card in the drive-up ATM... thankfully the car behind me found it, then stalked me to a parking lot where he returned it. Okay, he didn't really stalk me, I just pulled over to walk into the bank instead of using the ATM, but it was so sweet of him to bring my card back! It was also smart on his part, because he would have only had a few bucks, because I'm nearly broke...
Daily Thanksgiving: I don't have to be around people today. I got to go to lunch with my mama and work some stuff out in my life. I was able to spend time with my brother and we didn't get in a car wreck! I am alive. G-d allowed today's weather to be so beautiful! Also, I got to go on a walk with my dog, who I miss and love so very much. I am also thankful that my platelet donation went so well this morning.
I forgot to mention my platelet donation! It was good. I love donating blood and platelets, mostly because I like watching them use needles, and it's also pretty cool to see your blood and plasma and platelets... I'm just kind of sick that way, I guess. I've done this a few times and normally my lips just get tingly, but this time I looked down, then my eyes went crossed-eyed. I didn't make them do it either! Then, they got stuck like that for about 15-25 seconds!!! It was so freaky, I thought I was going to pass out, or die, or go blind or something. Fortunately I didn't, but I probably should have told someone about it because it happened a few times... I told my mom and she freaked out a little and said I should have informed them about it, but I'm good. I hope I'm okay.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Good News
Y'all, I have some good news... I got an 86% on my chem test and I did not fail it! Bad news is I will probably only be able to pass the class with a B and not an A, but I didn't fail my test and I will, L-rd willing, pass this class.
I am so ready to be done with school, it's exhausting being stressed out all the time! On the bright side, I was so frustrated with school, life, and my poor life-decisions that I decided to go to the gym. That lead to an hour and a half on the treadmill. Now, I still only walk, I didn't run today or do the elliptical, but I'm getting better every time I go to the gym. I just have to tackle the elliptical and then the stair stepper, then I should be on track to continue working out.
Tomorrow I get to go home to celebrate my parents 19th wedding anniversary. They got married a few weeks after I was born which is why their anniversary is so close to my birthday and also why there is a similarity in the numbers... But they have stayed together for a long time, especially for people who hardly knew each other when they got married. That's the funny thing about life though, you never really know anyone, plus they are always changing anyway so you will never fully know anyone.
Guys, did you watch Duck Dynasty? Tonight's season finale was hilarious! I love that show so much! These guys remind me of my dad's friends, and the parties they used to throw, and me hanging out with their sons, getting into mischief. I was just another one of the guys, but a girl... We had a blast though. Anyway, watch the show and laugh a lot because it releases endorphins or something and cuts down on stress hormones. I feel better from my tough week. Only a little better, but it's better all the same.
Daily Thanksgiving: I got a B on my chem test so I didn't fail it. I got to watch Duck Dynasty. My tests are over, until finals week. I got a few opportunities to house sit this summer, down close the the community college I'm going to for micro so I can save on rent. I made my back-up schedule for next fall. G-d is allowing me to get good grades. While they may not be the A's I'm hoping for, He is still providing for me to get good grades even though I have not been studying like I should have been. I am very thankful to be a child of the One True G-d and He provides for me in ways I could not even imagine.
I am so ready to be done with school, it's exhausting being stressed out all the time! On the bright side, I was so frustrated with school, life, and my poor life-decisions that I decided to go to the gym. That lead to an hour and a half on the treadmill. Now, I still only walk, I didn't run today or do the elliptical, but I'm getting better every time I go to the gym. I just have to tackle the elliptical and then the stair stepper, then I should be on track to continue working out.
Tomorrow I get to go home to celebrate my parents 19th wedding anniversary. They got married a few weeks after I was born which is why their anniversary is so close to my birthday and also why there is a similarity in the numbers... But they have stayed together for a long time, especially for people who hardly knew each other when they got married. That's the funny thing about life though, you never really know anyone, plus they are always changing anyway so you will never fully know anyone.
Guys, did you watch Duck Dynasty? Tonight's season finale was hilarious! I love that show so much! These guys remind me of my dad's friends, and the parties they used to throw, and me hanging out with their sons, getting into mischief. I was just another one of the guys, but a girl... We had a blast though. Anyway, watch the show and laugh a lot because it releases endorphins or something and cuts down on stress hormones. I feel better from my tough week. Only a little better, but it's better all the same.
Daily Thanksgiving: I got a B on my chem test so I didn't fail it. I got to watch Duck Dynasty. My tests are over, until finals week. I got a few opportunities to house sit this summer, down close the the community college I'm going to for micro so I can save on rent. I made my back-up schedule for next fall. G-d is allowing me to get good grades. While they may not be the A's I'm hoping for, He is still providing for me to get good grades even though I have not been studying like I should have been. I am very thankful to be a child of the One True G-d and He provides for me in ways I could not even imagine.
Failed My Test
Okay, I am not completely sure that I totally failed my chem test, but I just took it and I am 98% sure I legitimately failed the test. I did the study guide but half the stuff my teacher asked about wasn't even on the study guide!!! Why? She says everything that will be on the test will be on the study guide, but that's not the case. I miss my old teacher. She gave us huge study packets and actually talked about chemistry in a language I understood. I should have stayed with her. Also, I should have kept my original A&P Lab time because I am not pleased with my current lab instructor, who is also different than last semester. I am just regretting so many life decisions, you have no idea.
I'll keep you guys updated about my test grade, I get it back tonight or tomorrow...
On a brighter subject, I got a 97% on my English paper so that cheered me up, until I took my test. So, I was in a good mood for all of 8 hours (and I was asleep most of those 8 hours).
Why did I have to make such foolish decisions about everything in my life!?!
By the way, I called home last night because I was about to lose it. Then I let it slip that my depression is coming back and my anxiety is getting much worse. Talk about freaking your parents out! I took it back right away and told my mom I was good, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't believe me. That poor woman, and my poor dad are always having to reassure me that life is alright. I feel bad for making them worry, but it just slipped out. I need to learn how to fix my depression and anxiety so that this doesn't keep happening because right now it is so bad, I am actually physically sick. I will likely live, it's nothing big, but I get so frustrated because I cannot figure out how to control this nonsense! Then that just makes matters worse and it's a cycle that keeps getting increasingly more difficult and problematic. Maybe I have bi-polar disorder... Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac...
I'll keep you guys updated about my test grade, I get it back tonight or tomorrow...
On a brighter subject, I got a 97% on my English paper so that cheered me up, until I took my test. So, I was in a good mood for all of 8 hours (and I was asleep most of those 8 hours).
Why did I have to make such foolish decisions about everything in my life!?!
By the way, I called home last night because I was about to lose it. Then I let it slip that my depression is coming back and my anxiety is getting much worse. Talk about freaking your parents out! I took it back right away and told my mom I was good, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't believe me. That poor woman, and my poor dad are always having to reassure me that life is alright. I feel bad for making them worry, but it just slipped out. I need to learn how to fix my depression and anxiety so that this doesn't keep happening because right now it is so bad, I am actually physically sick. I will likely live, it's nothing big, but I get so frustrated because I cannot figure out how to control this nonsense! Then that just makes matters worse and it's a cycle that keeps getting increasingly more difficult and problematic. Maybe I have bi-polar disorder... Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac...
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Short and Sweet
Folks, I'm going to keep this short and sweet and just do my daily thanksgivings in this post.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am alive. I'm passing my classes with at least a B. I got to talk to my parents (and have a little cry, but don't worry about that). G-d's allowing me to have fun and He is also teaching me a lot about others and even more about myself. I am so very thankful for the ability and opportunity to go to college and have it be so close to home. I am the daughter of THE King, THE Creator, and THE One TRUE G-d (all names for the same G-d). He protects me and loves me despite my foolishness and He forgives me for my many shortcomings when I ask for forgiveness. He loves me enough to discipline me and also He loves me enough to let me make mistakes that He fixes in the end. He holds my heart. He holds my past, present, and future and He will never leave me, nor will He forsake me. He is my G-d, my Abba (Father), and I am not worthy of His love or grace or provisions.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am alive. I'm passing my classes with at least a B. I got to talk to my parents (and have a little cry, but don't worry about that). G-d's allowing me to have fun and He is also teaching me a lot about others and even more about myself. I am so very thankful for the ability and opportunity to go to college and have it be so close to home. I am the daughter of THE King, THE Creator, and THE One TRUE G-d (all names for the same G-d). He protects me and loves me despite my foolishness and He forgives me for my many shortcomings when I ask for forgiveness. He loves me enough to discipline me and also He loves me enough to let me make mistakes that He fixes in the end. He holds my heart. He holds my past, present, and future and He will never leave me, nor will He forsake me. He is my G-d, my Abba (Father), and I am not worthy of His love or grace or provisions.
Completely Fed Up
Do y'all ever have those days were you are just fed up with everything? You don't want to work, or go to school, or have friends or even breath...
Ya, I'm having one of those months.
I love my friends. I like my job and I'm very grateful I have employment. I am truly thankful for the opportunity to go to college to further my career and I am also very grateful that G-d allows me to continue breathing. Today, I am just having a tough time. Maybe it's the mid-April snow storm or the fact that I have a billion, potentially life-changing decisions to make. Or it could just be that my brain's chemistry is off, especially today, causing this extreme discombobulation that is accompanying my demeanor. I don't know what it is, but it's bummin' me out! Also, it could likely be attributed to the fact that I got B's on every test I had last week, after I thought I had worked really hard to get better grades, because I was not being self-disciplined enough to stop hanging out with friends... On second thought, it could be that last one that is making me want to give up, not only at school, but at life because honestly, I don't know what I'm doing with my life!
I just want to know what my purpose on this planet is. I know we are here to give G-d glory and to allow His plans to go through, but do I have a bigger purpose? Some people "cure" diseases or save lives. Others make the world a better place by giving orphans a home and providing meals for those who don't have food. Yet others do other stuff that has some significant impact on the world and the general well-being of others. As for me, I don't do anything. I am just a student, quiet and shy. Timid and I used to be decent at school, but that is not necessarily the case any longer. I have friends that get to know me on the surface as I delve deeper into who they are, only to be deserted a few months or years down the road for someone else. I have been a best friend to countless others while I am still very lonely, and without a mate, myself. I am a daughter and sister. I am the oldest grandchild on my dad's side and just one of a bunch on my mom's side. I am a CNA who makes too many mistakes to count, and I'm almost surprised they haven't talked to me or fired me yet for making the other CNA's late all the time in their daily schedules. I was an unnoticeable cashier but now I stick with my life-long dilemma of no one remembering my name, or even my face.
It's times like these when I wonder what is going on? Why are we here? Do I even have a bigger purpose or am I just a space-filler? Does anybody get me or am I just an undetectable island? Will there ever be a friend that gives me what I give to them? I don't need much, just someone to hear me when I can't find anyone. I need someone who will sit with me when I just need to know someone else is there. I need someone to be silly with, but who I can also pour my heart out to as they make sense of the mess within me. I need a wise mentor who is also looking for advice from me.
I need to be needed... understood... accepted... nurtured... loved.
Ya, I'm having one of those months.
I love my friends. I like my job and I'm very grateful I have employment. I am truly thankful for the opportunity to go to college to further my career and I am also very grateful that G-d allows me to continue breathing. Today, I am just having a tough time. Maybe it's the mid-April snow storm or the fact that I have a billion, potentially life-changing decisions to make. Or it could just be that my brain's chemistry is off, especially today, causing this extreme discombobulation that is accompanying my demeanor. I don't know what it is, but it's bummin' me out! Also, it could likely be attributed to the fact that I got B's on every test I had last week, after I thought I had worked really hard to get better grades, because I was not being self-disciplined enough to stop hanging out with friends... On second thought, it could be that last one that is making me want to give up, not only at school, but at life because honestly, I don't know what I'm doing with my life!
I just want to know what my purpose on this planet is. I know we are here to give G-d glory and to allow His plans to go through, but do I have a bigger purpose? Some people "cure" diseases or save lives. Others make the world a better place by giving orphans a home and providing meals for those who don't have food. Yet others do other stuff that has some significant impact on the world and the general well-being of others. As for me, I don't do anything. I am just a student, quiet and shy. Timid and I used to be decent at school, but that is not necessarily the case any longer. I have friends that get to know me on the surface as I delve deeper into who they are, only to be deserted a few months or years down the road for someone else. I have been a best friend to countless others while I am still very lonely, and without a mate, myself. I am a daughter and sister. I am the oldest grandchild on my dad's side and just one of a bunch on my mom's side. I am a CNA who makes too many mistakes to count, and I'm almost surprised they haven't talked to me or fired me yet for making the other CNA's late all the time in their daily schedules. I was an unnoticeable cashier but now I stick with my life-long dilemma of no one remembering my name, or even my face.
It's times like these when I wonder what is going on? Why are we here? Do I even have a bigger purpose or am I just a space-filler? Does anybody get me or am I just an undetectable island? Will there ever be a friend that gives me what I give to them? I don't need much, just someone to hear me when I can't find anyone. I need someone who will sit with me when I just need to know someone else is there. I need someone to be silly with, but who I can also pour my heart out to as they make sense of the mess within me. I need a wise mentor who is also looking for advice from me.
I need to be needed... understood... accepted... nurtured... loved.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sinking Feeling
Hey guys, I got my grades back from all of my tests last week. I got a B on all of them... I am so frustrated with myself! I totally could have studied more and studied harder and for longer, but I didn't. So, I got a B on my anatomy lecture and lab tests, and also a B on my Psych exam. Now I'm just waiting for my English paper to be graded because I turned that in today, with a sinking suspicion that I did not do well. The only good grade I got all last week was a 19/20 on my chem quiz. Yes, I know that B's are not the end of the world, nor are they bad grades, I am simply frustrated with myself because this was my last chance to bring my grades up in Anatomy and in Chem, but I blew it! Well, I haven't taken my chem test yet, that's on Wednesday and I better get to studying for it right now.
I am so stressed out about grades, the HESI, summer classes, school, housing next year and verything else, I think I may just have a panic attack...
These types of days make me wonder how I think I can even get into nursing school. Or, how can I make it as a nurse? I don't know how this is going to happen because I can't even get through the prereques with good grades and sanity, how am I ever supposed to go through nursing school and be an RN? The only way is by complete miracles from G-d because everyone, especially me, knows that I cannot do this!
Moving on to daily thanksgivings... I am thankful that I get to go home this weekend for my parent's 19th wedding anniversary. I am finished with last week and will be able to pick up and move on because I can't change my tests now. I am finished with Monday and I have amazing friends who are supporting me through my ridiculous bouts with anxiety and random spurts of depression. G-d has truly blessed me with incredible, supportive, sweet people to help me through so many struggles, even when they are all in my head (which is the majority of the time). Also, G-d didn't let me fail one test last week. Even though I am not pleased with my grades, He provided me with decent grades and if He wants me to have A's, then I will have A's. If not, then I will be thankful that He allows me to pass my prereques.
I am so stressed out about grades, the HESI, summer classes, school, housing next year and verything else, I think I may just have a panic attack...
These types of days make me wonder how I think I can even get into nursing school. Or, how can I make it as a nurse? I don't know how this is going to happen because I can't even get through the prereques with good grades and sanity, how am I ever supposed to go through nursing school and be an RN? The only way is by complete miracles from G-d because everyone, especially me, knows that I cannot do this!
Moving on to daily thanksgivings... I am thankful that I get to go home this weekend for my parent's 19th wedding anniversary. I am finished with last week and will be able to pick up and move on because I can't change my tests now. I am finished with Monday and I have amazing friends who are supporting me through my ridiculous bouts with anxiety and random spurts of depression. G-d has truly blessed me with incredible, supportive, sweet people to help me through so many struggles, even when they are all in my head (which is the majority of the time). Also, G-d didn't let me fail one test last week. Even though I am not pleased with my grades, He provided me with decent grades and if He wants me to have A's, then I will have A's. If not, then I will be thankful that He allows me to pass my prereques.
Bad Driver, That's Me...
There is a good chance that you have heard that women are terrible drivers. This is not completely true and it is not a complete lie. When my friend and I went apartment shopping, I was the designated driver, and it was not a great experience for her, as I have recently been informed of, in front of a huge group of my friends. I was the butt of nearly 10 minutes worth of jokes, but I just laughed along. They were pretty funny, and somewhat true, but that doesn't mean they didn't hurt just a little and I was embarrassed. Now, I can refuse to drive people, because I'm a bad driver...
Just to give you an idea of how bad, let's review the points she brought up, and a couple she failed to mention:
Also, I have noticed that I do the "..." thing a lot. I really am fond of it and I would put it in a lot more, but I figure I overuse it. How can you not though? It's like one of my favorite things!
Just to give you an idea of how bad, let's review the points she brought up, and a couple she failed to mention:
- I almost ran a stop sign. (I was looking at apartment complexes and just missed the little red sign. Fortunately, she pointed it out and I stopped with no problem.)
- According to her, I ran into a little column that sticks out in random parking spaces in our university's parking garage. (My story: I did not run into it, I tapped it, with my car, because I was not sure how long my car was, but it was a minor tap!)
- She failed to mention that I slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light even though she told me to just go through it.
- Also, I drive a stick shift, and I am not a smooth shifter (she didn't say this).
Also, I have noticed that I do the "..." thing a lot. I really am fond of it and I would put it in a lot more, but I figure I overuse it. How can you not though? It's like one of my favorite things!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Super Great Day
For being a sunday, and having to work, I had a great day! Y'all got me up to 500 views, I had a great CNA teacher/partner today, and I felt like I knew what I was doing. So, today was a good day.
The LPN was so stinkin' sweet. She is always asking if I'm doing alright and if everything is going well. Then the float CNA was kind enough to sit down and start talking to me. My partner was very nice and told me a bunch of tricks to help with the floor I was on and she even thanked me at the end of the night. I know that's not because she was really thankful that I was there, but she was just being polite and kind. After working for four months here with CNA's that have been here close to three decades, I have come to expect rudeness, yelling, and embarrassment. Not today though! Today, I was feeling like I knew what was going on, for the most part, and the LPN and CNA's were so sweet I can't even begin to describe how nice it is. Regardless of how fantastic my day was, I'm still beyond exhausted.
Tonight I get to finish my paper, and turn it in, for English... I love my teacher, but I still HATE writing papers. It's just not my forte and I don't understand what makes good writing. I also don't understand how I get a good grade on one paper and not on others. What makes the writing worth an A?
Daily Thanksgiving: I had a great day at work, I have amazing nursing staff to work with, and I am done with work for the week. Also, I am very glad that I only have a small section of my paper to finish writing instead of half of it. Finally, I got a B on my anatomy practical (I can't remember if I said that in a past post or not) and I got a 19/20 on my take-home chem quiz. Now we just have to wait and see how I did on my other tests...
Praise the L-rd for a good, safe day!!!
The LPN was so stinkin' sweet. She is always asking if I'm doing alright and if everything is going well. Then the float CNA was kind enough to sit down and start talking to me. My partner was very nice and told me a bunch of tricks to help with the floor I was on and she even thanked me at the end of the night. I know that's not because she was really thankful that I was there, but she was just being polite and kind. After working for four months here with CNA's that have been here close to three decades, I have come to expect rudeness, yelling, and embarrassment. Not today though! Today, I was feeling like I knew what was going on, for the most part, and the LPN and CNA's were so sweet I can't even begin to describe how nice it is. Regardless of how fantastic my day was, I'm still beyond exhausted.
Tonight I get to finish my paper, and turn it in, for English... I love my teacher, but I still HATE writing papers. It's just not my forte and I don't understand what makes good writing. I also don't understand how I get a good grade on one paper and not on others. What makes the writing worth an A?
Daily Thanksgiving: I had a great day at work, I have amazing nursing staff to work with, and I am done with work for the week. Also, I am very glad that I only have a small section of my paper to finish writing instead of half of it. Finally, I got a B on my anatomy practical (I can't remember if I said that in a past post or not) and I got a 19/20 on my take-home chem quiz. Now we just have to wait and see how I did on my other tests...
Praise the L-rd for a good, safe day!!!
500 Views!
Folks, we have reached 500 views!!! I get so excited seeing that people have dropped by, and sometimes even read, my posts and to think that my blog has been seen 500 times is crazy. Y'all made my day even better, you don't even know.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Apartment Hunting
This is a difficult job because it is so time consuming. While it is exciting, it is also a tedious and exhausting process, but hopefully we will find a great apartment and get to move in this summer! It's kind of frustrating though because really nice places pop up in my search and I can't wait until I can afford a nicer place, but that will not be for a very, very long time. Probably like 8 years... Thank you loans and student debt!
I am so excited though. I will get to have a shotgun of my very own in my room and I will be a big girl living without parental ties. Right now I have everything that I can't use at school at home with my parents, but after this summer, that will no longer be the case. Too bad I can't just live with them because I would have good food and no rent or bills to pay, but that just won't work right now. Maybe I can live with them while I am completing my Midwife courses!
Anyway, Shabbat Shalom! I hope y'all have a good day of rest and I hope you actually get to rest and thank G-d for this beautiful day.
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Shabbat! I get to rest and relax and do a whole lot of nothing after my very busy, stressful week.
I am so excited though. I will get to have a shotgun of my very own in my room and I will be a big girl living without parental ties. Right now I have everything that I can't use at school at home with my parents, but after this summer, that will no longer be the case. Too bad I can't just live with them because I would have good food and no rent or bills to pay, but that just won't work right now. Maybe I can live with them while I am completing my Midwife courses!
Anyway, Shabbat Shalom! I hope y'all have a good day of rest and I hope you actually get to rest and thank G-d for this beautiful day.
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Shabbat! I get to rest and relax and do a whole lot of nothing after my very busy, stressful week.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Summer
Guys, I cannot wait until summer. My former roommate, also my future roommate, and I went apartment hunting today. We found so many great options! Now, we just have to narrow down our list to a top few for different scenarios (if we can get more people or if it will just be us). Then it's time to call, reserve places, and start saving up for our deposit. This is so scary but so exciting! I will have a place of my own, bills of my own, and a job and a car of my own. The last two I already had, but that whole list is basically what being an adult is about, paying for stuff. Stuff we could live without, but our society tells us we need it to survive in this culture, so, unfortunately, we buy into it. Oh well, it is what it is and I am almost an adolescent adult... That's the next step from baby adult, which I still am. And yes, I am making all of these titles and steps up. It's just part of how I view life. Dude, one of the next big steps is getting hitched... after college of coarse, but still that's so scary to think about. Then kids and so on.
I have to stop freaking myself out and just take one day at a time.
In other news, I got new dresses today. Have you ever been to Plato's Closet? It's like a consignment place but they have the cutest stuff for super cheap. So I bought three dresses and though y'all should know about it because I'm pretty pumped for summer.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d allowed us to see our top apartment picks and they are even better in person. We found even more options in a nicer part of town! I have loads of friends and I am super excited about my roommate(s) next year because I love all of them. My parents are going to let me use some of their furniture that they don't use anymore and it's really nice. I am moving out and while it's scary, I know G-d is providing a way for me to grow and mature and rely on Him. I got new dresses that are modest and they were cheap! That doesn't seem to happen anymore, either one of them. I have Fridays off and also I got to go to chick fil a today. Today was an awesome day. Also, G-d kept me safe while driving because I was side-tracked and people drive nuts!!!
I have to stop freaking myself out and just take one day at a time.
In other news, I got new dresses today. Have you ever been to Plato's Closet? It's like a consignment place but they have the cutest stuff for super cheap. So I bought three dresses and though y'all should know about it because I'm pretty pumped for summer.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d allowed us to see our top apartment picks and they are even better in person. We found even more options in a nicer part of town! I have loads of friends and I am super excited about my roommate(s) next year because I love all of them. My parents are going to let me use some of their furniture that they don't use anymore and it's really nice. I am moving out and while it's scary, I know G-d is providing a way for me to grow and mature and rely on Him. I got new dresses that are modest and they were cheap! That doesn't seem to happen anymore, either one of them. I have Fridays off and also I got to go to chick fil a today. Today was an awesome day. Also, G-d kept me safe while driving because I was side-tracked and people drive nuts!!!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Continuation
I tried to find a word different than update because it seems I use that word ("update") in a lot of my blog titles... so I chose continuation, but it doesn't really make sense...
Anywho, I haven't done a whole lot with my day. I went to English without my completed paper, but my teacher didn't seem to care. Then I had chem lab and I got so embarrassed! So my lab partner and I are always the last people because we are always messing around and talking. Then my lab instructor came over to see if we were doing alright and they started joking around about how funny it would be if I ever cursed anybody out or yelled at them because I have a fairly high-pitched, soft voice. I turned all sorts of red! Then I got redder because I was embarrassed that I was blushing which made the whole situation worse. Whatever, it was pretty funny. Now I am the Hulk with an anger problem in chem lab... Haha, at least we have a good time.
Also, I got to work-out today!!! I ran for a whole 5 minutes and burned about 250 calories by running that little bit and walking. That's not bad. I know it takes a whole lot more calorie burning to actually lose weight, but I just do cardio to burn energy so I can sleep better and do something besides sit in my room. Maybe tomorrow I will conquer the stair stepper, or probably an elliptical first because stairs kill and I need to climb 2600+ stairs to start to train for the stair hike. That's a lot of stairs! But, I have rarely had goals that I actually go through on, but I really want to do this so that I am not the slowest person who keeps their whole group waiting for an hour. It's also good because I used to be the chubby kid in class. I was called fat repeatedly by different groups of kids in different grades and schools. Now, for the first time I am comfortable (kind of) with where I am and I am finally starting to enjoy exercise, not as a weight loss campaign that I get on a month before the pool opens, but as something that makes me feel good. Nobody is pushing me but myself and if I want to run, I run. If I just want to talk, that's all I do. This is a big step for me because I usually resist exercise because I was forced onto diets as an elementary and middle school student because I hated the way I looked. G-d is showing me the beauty in my curves and He is also teaching me to eat healthy to keep this body healthy because it is His body, I just rent it while I'm here on earth.
Daily Thanksgiving: All my tests are done for this week and I am now on the weekend! I got a volunteer opportunity with a faith-based medical clinic and I will get to work, hopefully, as a CNA in a clinical setting! I got to work-out and I ran today. Also, I probably could have run longer than 5 minutes which is big for me because I don't run (normally). G-d is showing me the beauty in this body he created. I have an amazing lab partner and a great chem lab instructor. Regardless of the cold weather that has come in and the bad feelings about my tests, I am having a great week. I have Shalom and joy, true joy that only comes from the Father. Tomorrow I get to go apartment shopping with my old roommate who is going to be my roommate again next year! I get to live with the girl that I got along with when I was in my dorm suite (before I moved out).
Anywho, I haven't done a whole lot with my day. I went to English without my completed paper, but my teacher didn't seem to care. Then I had chem lab and I got so embarrassed! So my lab partner and I are always the last people because we are always messing around and talking. Then my lab instructor came over to see if we were doing alright and they started joking around about how funny it would be if I ever cursed anybody out or yelled at them because I have a fairly high-pitched, soft voice. I turned all sorts of red! Then I got redder because I was embarrassed that I was blushing which made the whole situation worse. Whatever, it was pretty funny. Now I am the Hulk with an anger problem in chem lab... Haha, at least we have a good time.
Also, I got to work-out today!!! I ran for a whole 5 minutes and burned about 250 calories by running that little bit and walking. That's not bad. I know it takes a whole lot more calorie burning to actually lose weight, but I just do cardio to burn energy so I can sleep better and do something besides sit in my room. Maybe tomorrow I will conquer the stair stepper, or probably an elliptical first because stairs kill and I need to climb 2600+ stairs to start to train for the stair hike. That's a lot of stairs! But, I have rarely had goals that I actually go through on, but I really want to do this so that I am not the slowest person who keeps their whole group waiting for an hour. It's also good because I used to be the chubby kid in class. I was called fat repeatedly by different groups of kids in different grades and schools. Now, for the first time I am comfortable (kind of) with where I am and I am finally starting to enjoy exercise, not as a weight loss campaign that I get on a month before the pool opens, but as something that makes me feel good. Nobody is pushing me but myself and if I want to run, I run. If I just want to talk, that's all I do. This is a big step for me because I usually resist exercise because I was forced onto diets as an elementary and middle school student because I hated the way I looked. G-d is showing me the beauty in my curves and He is also teaching me to eat healthy to keep this body healthy because it is His body, I just rent it while I'm here on earth.
Daily Thanksgiving: All my tests are done for this week and I am now on the weekend! I got a volunteer opportunity with a faith-based medical clinic and I will get to work, hopefully, as a CNA in a clinical setting! I got to work-out and I ran today. Also, I probably could have run longer than 5 minutes which is big for me because I don't run (normally). G-d is showing me the beauty in this body he created. I have an amazing lab partner and a great chem lab instructor. Regardless of the cold weather that has come in and the bad feelings about my tests, I am having a great week. I have Shalom and joy, true joy that only comes from the Father. Tomorrow I get to go apartment shopping with my old roommate who is going to be my roommate again next year! I get to live with the girl that I got along with when I was in my dorm suite (before I moved out).
3 Tests Completed
I just finished my final test. It was in anatomy and I'm not so sure I did very well. All three tests are leaving me pessimistic about grades, but that is largely my fault for not studying more in the past few weeks. L-rd willing, I will get decent grades, but that will take a miracle from G-d! Now I get to go to English, with an incomplete paper... It's only peer review and my friends are in that class so they can read it for me, but it's still just frustrating and slightly worrisome not being prepared for class.
In other news, we were talking about clinical psychological disorders in psych, and it turns out I had 11/11 of the symptoms at one point and now I'm down to 7/11 symptoms. I know that this doesn't mean that I definitely had clinical depression, but it makes me feel better that it wasn't just all in my head and I wasn't the only person who has ever experienced it. Also, I have anxiety, but it's only minor anxiety. Both of these things are hereditary in my family so I am sure there will be more battles with both anxiety and depression, but for the time being I'm doin' alright.
I'll check in later tonight after I go to the gym for the first time in a week! It's been two weeks since the stair hike and my friends are going again on Saturday, but it's supposed to be cold and I feel really bad for making them wait for so long at the top. Likely I will go next week by myself, but we will see.
Also, I am going with my potential roommates to go look at apartments tomorrow and I am so beyond stoked!!! It makes my heart happy to think about living on my own... then I think about leaving my parents for the rest of my life and that makes me sad. Then I get anxious about bills and how I am going to afford everything... But, for right now, my heart is happy about the future and I am glad I have someone who asked to live with me so I don't feel like such a huge burden!
In other news, we were talking about clinical psychological disorders in psych, and it turns out I had 11/11 of the symptoms at one point and now I'm down to 7/11 symptoms. I know that this doesn't mean that I definitely had clinical depression, but it makes me feel better that it wasn't just all in my head and I wasn't the only person who has ever experienced it. Also, I have anxiety, but it's only minor anxiety. Both of these things are hereditary in my family so I am sure there will be more battles with both anxiety and depression, but for the time being I'm doin' alright.
I'll check in later tonight after I go to the gym for the first time in a week! It's been two weeks since the stair hike and my friends are going again on Saturday, but it's supposed to be cold and I feel really bad for making them wait for so long at the top. Likely I will go next week by myself, but we will see.
Also, I am going with my potential roommates to go look at apartments tomorrow and I am so beyond stoked!!! It makes my heart happy to think about living on my own... then I think about leaving my parents for the rest of my life and that makes me sad. Then I get anxious about bills and how I am going to afford everything... But, for right now, my heart is happy about the future and I am glad I have someone who asked to live with me so I don't feel like such a huge burden!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
1 Test Left...
I am down to one test, and my paper (but I'm just not going to finish that by tomorrow's peer edit). Today's test was in psych and I really don't think that I did well at all. I'm so scared that I'm going to fail all of my tests because of my procrastination and lack of studying last week and the week before. Oh well, it's my fault and hopefully this will teach me to start studying in advance, even though it would be much more fun to go play outside with my friends. Tomorrow is my last A&P test for the week and it's really freaking me out because I'm so lost in the material. L-rd willing, I will get a good grade on this test, but He is the only One who can get me a good grade because A&P is killing me!
After my test, P (my guy friend) came over to do homework and to keep me focused on studying. He was over for nearly 3 hours and I hardly did anything. Then he went to dinner, which I skipped, and when he came back I had only taken a little nap. But he stayed for another 4 hours and we finished my study questions! The sweet kid took 5 pages of notes for me as I talked out the study questions. Z (my super close girl friend) says he's fallen pretty hard for me, which I don't understand, but he is such a kind-hearted guy. I've never had anyone push me to study as hard as he did and he's always saying that he's rooting for me. This is such a different experience than I thought it would be. I figured that since I'm so awkward and strange, I would always have a hard time being around people, especially if I ever got into a relationship (we are still pre-relationship status...). However, with P, it's so easy to just be me. When I'm sleepy and just want to lay there, he will sit with me. When I had a super hard day, he wants to hear about every little thing that happened (as much as I am allowed to say with HIPPA and all). When I'm happy or sad about something, he is happy or sad with me. I can be goofy, stressed, upset, exstatic or anything and he is right there with me. He shows me grace when I say ridiculous stuff that could have upset him. He respects my boundaries and is often times encouraging me to do the best that I can and work to get better. He shows me patience and kindness in all he does with me and he teaches me so much about his world while still wanting to learn about mine. He despises needles, shots, and blood, but he still listens to me vent about cadavers and medical stuff. He also teaches me about sports and music and random stuff he is into. I also tell him the random little health facts about everything that I think of and he seems interested in those totally random tidbits. Not even my family pretends to like those! I know that we are still in the early stages of a possible relationship, and G-d will have to tell me if P is the one or not, but through this friendship, I am learning that there is hope for me after all.
I could go on and on about my past and what this friendship is growing into, but I will leave that to another post, or other posts, because I need to get back to studying for anatomy!
Daily Thanksgiving: I am very thankful that G-d has allowed me to meet P, Z, and B (the roommate of P). G-d is teaching me so much about relationships through these friends of mine, not just "romantic" relationships (another gross word), but I have learned so much about grace and I have found other people like me. We are all fairly soft-spoken and we have been used by the world because we are all kind and willing to give the shirts off our backs. I am thankful that I have gotten in so much studying and also that I only have one more paper to do. Also, I am thankful for Cloverton's music and also Francesca Battistelli's music for being my soundtrack to study by when P is over.
After my test, P (my guy friend) came over to do homework and to keep me focused on studying. He was over for nearly 3 hours and I hardly did anything. Then he went to dinner, which I skipped, and when he came back I had only taken a little nap. But he stayed for another 4 hours and we finished my study questions! The sweet kid took 5 pages of notes for me as I talked out the study questions. Z (my super close girl friend) says he's fallen pretty hard for me, which I don't understand, but he is such a kind-hearted guy. I've never had anyone push me to study as hard as he did and he's always saying that he's rooting for me. This is such a different experience than I thought it would be. I figured that since I'm so awkward and strange, I would always have a hard time being around people, especially if I ever got into a relationship (we are still pre-relationship status...). However, with P, it's so easy to just be me. When I'm sleepy and just want to lay there, he will sit with me. When I had a super hard day, he wants to hear about every little thing that happened (as much as I am allowed to say with HIPPA and all). When I'm happy or sad about something, he is happy or sad with me. I can be goofy, stressed, upset, exstatic or anything and he is right there with me. He shows me grace when I say ridiculous stuff that could have upset him. He respects my boundaries and is often times encouraging me to do the best that I can and work to get better. He shows me patience and kindness in all he does with me and he teaches me so much about his world while still wanting to learn about mine. He despises needles, shots, and blood, but he still listens to me vent about cadavers and medical stuff. He also teaches me about sports and music and random stuff he is into. I also tell him the random little health facts about everything that I think of and he seems interested in those totally random tidbits. Not even my family pretends to like those! I know that we are still in the early stages of a possible relationship, and G-d will have to tell me if P is the one or not, but through this friendship, I am learning that there is hope for me after all.
I could go on and on about my past and what this friendship is growing into, but I will leave that to another post, or other posts, because I need to get back to studying for anatomy!
Daily Thanksgiving: I am very thankful that G-d has allowed me to meet P, Z, and B (the roommate of P). G-d is teaching me so much about relationships through these friends of mine, not just "romantic" relationships (another gross word), but I have learned so much about grace and I have found other people like me. We are all fairly soft-spoken and we have been used by the world because we are all kind and willing to give the shirts off our backs. I am thankful that I have gotten in so much studying and also that I only have one more paper to do. Also, I am thankful for Cloverton's music and also Francesca Battistelli's music for being my soundtrack to study by when P is over.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
1 Quiz and 1 Test Down...
1 quiz and 1 test down this week... just 2 more tests and a paper to do and then this week is done.
I took my anatomy lab practical today and I'm really not thinking that I did well. Unfortunately, last week when I had that pointless snow day (because we had less than an inch of snow!), I was supposed to have anatomy lab. That lab was supposed to be about the digestive system. Guess what the test was on? Yes, I did go to the lab make-up, but the instructors teach very differently and I didn't study the cadaver the way I should have. Anyway, the cadaver was tagged for like 7 questions on this test! Talk about freaking me out. I guessed on every single one of those question because I didn't learn that material or the cadaver. So, I think I'm going to get a C on this test which seals my fate of not getting an A or an A- in anatomy. I will likely have to settle for a B or maybe even a C in the class. Am I displaying narcicistic anxiety? Yes, I certainly am because I flip out over grades. When I ended up getting an A- in anatomy last semester, I cried. Not just a little tear drop or two. No, I had another full-fledged bout with depression that lasted about two weeks. No joke! It took half of my winter break to get over that "-" being on my transcripts. I never used to be like this, but when I moved out, I didn't know who I was. School had always been something that I didn't have to try at but I was super good at it. Now, I am nothing, nobody. I don't know what I'm doing or how to get where I need to go because I don't know where I'm going.
Regardless, my first test is done and I can breathe slightly easier.
Daily Thanksgiving: I had a fairly uneventful day. One of my two anatomy tests are done and my psych test is tomorrow. I had a take-home quiz this week instead of having to bomb another quiz in chem. Tomorrow is Wednesday which means I am already half-way done with this week (seeing as I only have school Monday thru Thursday). I got to have breakfast with a very close girl friend of mine and we got to gush about boys. I still find it uncomfortable to talk about this kind of stuff, but I think it's helping me wrap my head around what happened. Also, I got to hang out with my guy friend and he helped me study. Now that I think about it, this day was a pretty good one because G-d got me through in one piece and He is allowing me to survive college!
I took my anatomy lab practical today and I'm really not thinking that I did well. Unfortunately, last week when I had that pointless snow day (because we had less than an inch of snow!), I was supposed to have anatomy lab. That lab was supposed to be about the digestive system. Guess what the test was on? Yes, I did go to the lab make-up, but the instructors teach very differently and I didn't study the cadaver the way I should have. Anyway, the cadaver was tagged for like 7 questions on this test! Talk about freaking me out. I guessed on every single one of those question because I didn't learn that material or the cadaver. So, I think I'm going to get a C on this test which seals my fate of not getting an A or an A- in anatomy. I will likely have to settle for a B or maybe even a C in the class. Am I displaying narcicistic anxiety? Yes, I certainly am because I flip out over grades. When I ended up getting an A- in anatomy last semester, I cried. Not just a little tear drop or two. No, I had another full-fledged bout with depression that lasted about two weeks. No joke! It took half of my winter break to get over that "-" being on my transcripts. I never used to be like this, but when I moved out, I didn't know who I was. School had always been something that I didn't have to try at but I was super good at it. Now, I am nothing, nobody. I don't know what I'm doing or how to get where I need to go because I don't know where I'm going.
Regardless, my first test is done and I can breathe slightly easier.
Daily Thanksgiving: I had a fairly uneventful day. One of my two anatomy tests are done and my psych test is tomorrow. I had a take-home quiz this week instead of having to bomb another quiz in chem. Tomorrow is Wednesday which means I am already half-way done with this week (seeing as I only have school Monday thru Thursday). I got to have breakfast with a very close girl friend of mine and we got to gush about boys. I still find it uncomfortable to talk about this kind of stuff, but I think it's helping me wrap my head around what happened. Also, I got to hang out with my guy friend and he helped me study. Now that I think about it, this day was a pretty good one because G-d got me through in one piece and He is allowing me to survive college!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Well, That's Embarassing!
I apologize for yet another post about this pre-relationship thing going on, but it's consuming all of my thinking and I have to let it out and "talk" it out because I have three tests coming up that I cannot focus enough to study for.
So my guy friend told his roommate and my close friend. We are calling the Roommate B and my close girl friend Z. For the sake of easier writing, my guy friend will be P. Are we good? Anyway, so P told B and Z, without my knowledge, about our talk and confessions yesterday. This apparently made for some knowing looks and giggles because I say stupid things. We were talking about just random stuff, like sleeping, and I waited for a few other people to finish up their talking then decided that I should contribute to the conversation. BIG MISTAKE! B and Z exchanged knowing glances and smiled, likely giggling quietly to themselves at my foolish choice of speaking times. How embarrassing! I didn't even mean it the way they took it, but that's the price of talking about "feelings"... I think I better go lie down before I stress myself out too much over all the stupid things I'm fixin' to say. I had also better figure out how to go back to not talking... EVER. I used to never talk, I don't know what happened to me.
Today went well though. I can't pay attention during class, but I actually got to sleep in a little bit today so that was nice. I also studied for another hour and a half with a good friend who is in all of my classes. She is so awesome and chill and I am so glad G-d brought her into my life.
Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't say anything stupider than what I did at breakfast. Also, now I know who to watch what I say around because I guarantee I am going to be at the butt of a huge amount of jokes. It's cool though, I've been at the butt of jokes most of my life... (That wasn't supposed to sound like self-pity or sad, it's just a funny fact about yours truly.) I have studied quite a bit and I know most of the models that will be on my test. After this week, I only have to worry about finals and the HESI, but I will get a slight break before madness descends on my life, a very short break. Guys, Monday is done and G-d allowed me to survive!!! He will get me through this life. Everything threatens to break me, but I know that He will allow me to survive as long as He sees fit, then I get to go home and not worry about being so foolish, awkward and ridiculously bad at being around anything/anyone but rocks. I like rocks, except for when they decide to attack me, which actually happens a lot... Probably because I talk to them too much...
See!?! My brain does not work right now and I have to study!!!!!!!!!!!
So my guy friend told his roommate and my close friend. We are calling the Roommate B and my close girl friend Z. For the sake of easier writing, my guy friend will be P. Are we good? Anyway, so P told B and Z, without my knowledge, about our talk and confessions yesterday. This apparently made for some knowing looks and giggles because I say stupid things. We were talking about just random stuff, like sleeping, and I waited for a few other people to finish up their talking then decided that I should contribute to the conversation. BIG MISTAKE! B and Z exchanged knowing glances and smiled, likely giggling quietly to themselves at my foolish choice of speaking times. How embarrassing! I didn't even mean it the way they took it, but that's the price of talking about "feelings"... I think I better go lie down before I stress myself out too much over all the stupid things I'm fixin' to say. I had also better figure out how to go back to not talking... EVER. I used to never talk, I don't know what happened to me.
Today went well though. I can't pay attention during class, but I actually got to sleep in a little bit today so that was nice. I also studied for another hour and a half with a good friend who is in all of my classes. She is so awesome and chill and I am so glad G-d brought her into my life.
Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't say anything stupider than what I did at breakfast. Also, now I know who to watch what I say around because I guarantee I am going to be at the butt of a huge amount of jokes. It's cool though, I've been at the butt of jokes most of my life... (That wasn't supposed to sound like self-pity or sad, it's just a funny fact about yours truly.) I have studied quite a bit and I know most of the models that will be on my test. After this week, I only have to worry about finals and the HESI, but I will get a slight break before madness descends on my life, a very short break. Guys, Monday is done and G-d allowed me to survive!!! He will get me through this life. Everything threatens to break me, but I know that He will allow me to survive as long as He sees fit, then I get to go home and not worry about being so foolish, awkward and ridiculously bad at being around anything/anyone but rocks. I like rocks, except for when they decide to attack me, which actually happens a lot... Probably because I talk to them too much...
See!?! My brain does not work right now and I have to study!!!!!!!!!!!
The Funny Thing About Friends
You all probably know about my recent discovery/pre-relationship status with my guy friend. Well, he was in cahoots with a very close girl friend of mine and they were planning how and when to tell the people that they like (me and the guys roommate...) Anyway, since she was so close to my guy friend, they shared everything! She knew about him coming to talk to me before I had any clue that it would happen that day. Since they are thick as theives, she informed me today that the told his roommate and possibly others. I don't like knowing that people know something that I didn't know that they knew. (That just confused me too, just take it slow.) It's cool, his roommate is pretty cool and I'm pretty sure that my guy friend had to tell his roommate to bring up who the roommate likes so that my girl friend could be worked into the situation and an assessment of the roomies thoughts could be taken.
Still, if you know what is going on behind the scenes, I don't want to know because then it gets weird. It may only be weird for me, but I'm already super awkward and probably don't need anything else to make it worse.
With that said, I still love her to pieces because she is so stinkin' adorable!
End of Spiel... for now...
Still, if you know what is going on behind the scenes, I don't want to know because then it gets weird. It may only be weird for me, but I'm already super awkward and probably don't need anything else to make it worse.
With that said, I still love her to pieces because she is so stinkin' adorable!
End of Spiel... for now...
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Super Great Day
First of all, my guy friend that I have a thing for, and he has a thing for me (recently verified by himself) got disclosed yesterday. Super scary, but so cute. He looked so nervous you don't even know, but it was adorable! He said he didn't care what happened either way, if I liked him back or not because he knew of my past and how bad it hurts me when guy friends ask me out and then stop talking to me when I don't reciprocate. So he went on to say that nothing would change if I didn't "feel" the same way about him. Then he said that he kinda sorta likes me... a lot. (He said it just like that.) But he was so nervous and anxious and scared. Then, being the awkward person I am, I gave him a hug and changed the subject... I know! He must have been dying inside. Not to worry though, he had the courage to bring it up once, so he just brought it up again later that night. That's when I told him that I'm diggin' him too, but I'm just not ready to date yet. So, we are now in a pre-dating phase that I had no idea existed, but there is so much about people I had no clue about. Science and algebra are my niche, people are way too far outside of my line of understanding. Even science is starting to become more difficult (A&P) and so my world is slipping away!
Today, I had an awesome day at work! I was paired with a CNA that is notorious for being super rude and mean to new girls, but I had no problem with her. I also cut the time I take to give someone a shower in half from 30 mins to 15 mins! I toiletted almost as many people as her and we were two hours ahead so I got to color with my residents while we were waiting for the next group of CNA's to come in. Plus, my LPN was so ridiculously sweet today and the CNA on the adjoining floor kept asking if I was okay and if I needed help. I am starting to make friends! Likely it is out of pity right now, but that's cool because someday I will be able to help new girls get on their feet in this very difficult job atmosphere.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d blessed me with an amazing day at work when I was expecting a really rough day. I was paired with a sweet LPN and the CNA was gracious to me. No more stressing about this relationship with my guy friend, for right now anyway, because he had the courage to come out and ask me about it. He asked me even though he knows I hate talking about "feelings" and mushy, gross, heart stuff (not the anatomy heart, because anatomy and cadavers I can do, ironically enough). We were ahead at work and I get to go sleep. Also, I just got back from a very productive 2.5 hour study session with a good friend of mine, who just happens to have the same schedule as me (except for a lab because I change mine, but I didn't know her when I made my schedule, it's crazy). Anyway, she is a great teacher and we are praying that we do well on our crazy amount of tests and other huge assignments that we have this week. Oh, and she is thinking about moving in with me next year!!! So many good things going on.
My cup runneth over...
My heart is super happy...
Today, I had an awesome day at work! I was paired with a CNA that is notorious for being super rude and mean to new girls, but I had no problem with her. I also cut the time I take to give someone a shower in half from 30 mins to 15 mins! I toiletted almost as many people as her and we were two hours ahead so I got to color with my residents while we were waiting for the next group of CNA's to come in. Plus, my LPN was so ridiculously sweet today and the CNA on the adjoining floor kept asking if I was okay and if I needed help. I am starting to make friends! Likely it is out of pity right now, but that's cool because someday I will be able to help new girls get on their feet in this very difficult job atmosphere.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d blessed me with an amazing day at work when I was expecting a really rough day. I was paired with a sweet LPN and the CNA was gracious to me. No more stressing about this relationship with my guy friend, for right now anyway, because he had the courage to come out and ask me about it. He asked me even though he knows I hate talking about "feelings" and mushy, gross, heart stuff (not the anatomy heart, because anatomy and cadavers I can do, ironically enough). We were ahead at work and I get to go sleep. Also, I just got back from a very productive 2.5 hour study session with a good friend of mine, who just happens to have the same schedule as me (except for a lab because I change mine, but I didn't know her when I made my schedule, it's crazy). Anyway, she is a great teacher and we are praying that we do well on our crazy amount of tests and other huge assignments that we have this week. Oh, and she is thinking about moving in with me next year!!! So many good things going on.
My cup runneth over...
My heart is super happy...
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Feedjit
I love this little app thing! Shout out to you in L.A., California and you in Colorado Springs! Thank you for visiting. Also, hello to you in Russia, Germany, and Malaysia! I am delightfully surprised at the impressive number of views from you in Russia. I have the most views from Russia, then USA, then Germany and last, but still very dear to my heart, is someone in Malaysia. Wow! How is everyone?
Update from Yesterday
Yesterday was fairly uneventful. I studied a bit, procrastinated a lot, stressed over my next week of a million tests, a quiz and a paper. Then I went to eat with my mom and brother. When I got back, I played football with my friends, and even a bunch of friends I haven't hung out with since last semester but I miss them so badly.
By the way, mema didn't end up coming yesterday. She had a tough day at work and was exhausted so she didn't want to drive the 8 hours to get here. I was really bummed, but I want her to be able to rest when she needs it. Also, I need her to be well-rested before she makes that long trip so she doesn't crash. So it was just my mom and my brother who came down to see me. We went out to dinner and had a great time. I so miss my brother. Lately he has been not so nice to me, likely because he is 17 and getting a large dose of testosterone. By the way, I do not approve of this sudden change guys tend to have because they can be nice one day and totally cruel and mean the next... Anyway, he was more like how I remember him being when we were super close, so that was awesome. My mom is just amazing always. I was wanting to talk to her about my problems, but my brother was there, so I ended up calling her once I knew she had made it home from the hour and a half drive to get to me. The L-rd gave her words to say. She knows me so well because G-d knows me so well and I believe she listens to G-d. Her wisdom was so soothing and comforting because when my mentors are telling me to go against my strong boundaries (even though they are women of the same faith as me), my mom understands my boundaries and my ways of protecting my heart. She also knows how bad it hurts to not have those boundaries, which is also why I developed the strange and seemingly silly ones that I did.
Her story: She came from an abusive family. Once she got out, she made her way. She went to beauty school to have a better paying job than some others. She apprenticed for a really long time. Then she started going to school for nursing. The school had originally denied her, but she convinced them to let her in on probation. At this school, prereques were two years and clinicals were two years. She got done with the first two years and got accepted into clinicals (proving she was a good choice by fighting to get in), then she got pregnant with me and had to drop out before she started clinicals. She probably could have gone to school with me being an infant, but she didn't want me to have substandard care and she didn't want to leave me. To this day, she is still a hairdresser. My father and my mom married at the end of the month I was born in and they are still married to this day. But before she had me, she had been through so many dating relationships and some were even abusive because she didn't know she could have boundaries.
Now her story is a part of me. I am finishing nursing school to complete her dreams and to convince her to go back to school with me. Her story saddens me because it seems like it's my fault she could not finish. She wanted to be a nurse so that she could travel the world with missionaries and spread the love of Jesus (she was Christian then, which isn't really different than what we are now, but I just wanted to explain the name choice here...). I know that she can do it. I also know that it was in G-d's plans for life to turn out this way. Also, I know that the thought that this was my fault is from the Adversary (Satan).
So, to avoid any of this for me, I installed boundaries. Carefully thought through and discussed with Abba (means Father), the Creator of myself and everything, ever. These boundaries seem outlandish and too complicated, but G-d can make anything happen and if He has chosen a man for me, then that man will have to be talking to G-d in order to figure out how to get to my heart. Until then (if that should ever happen), G-d holds my heart completely. Even once I am married, G-d will hold my heart and all of my love because He loved me first and He is the only one who will never let me down.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have strengthened my resolve to do what I figured needed to be done. G-d has given me clarity. Through my mom, G-d gave me strong, solid words of wisdom as to how I should handle this mess I have gotten myself into. Yesterday, I got to spend time with my mom and brother, friends I have not seen in a really long time, and also with my friends I hang out with a lot. Guys, I have loads of friends! True friends that care about me, not about what I can do for them. My mema is safe at home. I studied yesterday. I got a couple new shirts... Most of all I have Shalom (peace) in my heart. Also, I have started getting right with G-d. He opened up our communication line that I had packed with things of this world, and He is talking to me loud and clear (metaphorically speaking, I don't really here an audible voice because I would pee my pants...)
By the way, mema didn't end up coming yesterday. She had a tough day at work and was exhausted so she didn't want to drive the 8 hours to get here. I was really bummed, but I want her to be able to rest when she needs it. Also, I need her to be well-rested before she makes that long trip so she doesn't crash. So it was just my mom and my brother who came down to see me. We went out to dinner and had a great time. I so miss my brother. Lately he has been not so nice to me, likely because he is 17 and getting a large dose of testosterone. By the way, I do not approve of this sudden change guys tend to have because they can be nice one day and totally cruel and mean the next... Anyway, he was more like how I remember him being when we were super close, so that was awesome. My mom is just amazing always. I was wanting to talk to her about my problems, but my brother was there, so I ended up calling her once I knew she had made it home from the hour and a half drive to get to me. The L-rd gave her words to say. She knows me so well because G-d knows me so well and I believe she listens to G-d. Her wisdom was so soothing and comforting because when my mentors are telling me to go against my strong boundaries (even though they are women of the same faith as me), my mom understands my boundaries and my ways of protecting my heart. She also knows how bad it hurts to not have those boundaries, which is also why I developed the strange and seemingly silly ones that I did.
Her story: She came from an abusive family. Once she got out, she made her way. She went to beauty school to have a better paying job than some others. She apprenticed for a really long time. Then she started going to school for nursing. The school had originally denied her, but she convinced them to let her in on probation. At this school, prereques were two years and clinicals were two years. She got done with the first two years and got accepted into clinicals (proving she was a good choice by fighting to get in), then she got pregnant with me and had to drop out before she started clinicals. She probably could have gone to school with me being an infant, but she didn't want me to have substandard care and she didn't want to leave me. To this day, she is still a hairdresser. My father and my mom married at the end of the month I was born in and they are still married to this day. But before she had me, she had been through so many dating relationships and some were even abusive because she didn't know she could have boundaries.
Now her story is a part of me. I am finishing nursing school to complete her dreams and to convince her to go back to school with me. Her story saddens me because it seems like it's my fault she could not finish. She wanted to be a nurse so that she could travel the world with missionaries and spread the love of Jesus (she was Christian then, which isn't really different than what we are now, but I just wanted to explain the name choice here...). I know that she can do it. I also know that it was in G-d's plans for life to turn out this way. Also, I know that the thought that this was my fault is from the Adversary (Satan).
So, to avoid any of this for me, I installed boundaries. Carefully thought through and discussed with Abba (means Father), the Creator of myself and everything, ever. These boundaries seem outlandish and too complicated, but G-d can make anything happen and if He has chosen a man for me, then that man will have to be talking to G-d in order to figure out how to get to my heart. Until then (if that should ever happen), G-d holds my heart completely. Even once I am married, G-d will hold my heart and all of my love because He loved me first and He is the only one who will never let me down.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have strengthened my resolve to do what I figured needed to be done. G-d has given me clarity. Through my mom, G-d gave me strong, solid words of wisdom as to how I should handle this mess I have gotten myself into. Yesterday, I got to spend time with my mom and brother, friends I have not seen in a really long time, and also with my friends I hang out with a lot. Guys, I have loads of friends! True friends that care about me, not about what I can do for them. My mema is safe at home. I studied yesterday. I got a couple new shirts... Most of all I have Shalom (peace) in my heart. Also, I have started getting right with G-d. He opened up our communication line that I had packed with things of this world, and He is talking to me loud and clear (metaphorically speaking, I don't really here an audible voice because I would pee my pants...)
400 Views!
My goodness, I had 20 views yesterday and 23 views already today. This put me over the 400 mark! Thanks guys! You make me so happy :)
Friday, April 12, 2013
Another Dilemma... and a Solution
So, for those of you who have read my past posts, you know I was kinda into this guy, who might kinda be into me. If you know this, you likely also know that I was fighting with myself as to what I ought to do about it. Well, I did the wrong thing because it felt good... it doesn't "feel" good anymore. (No, I did not sleep with him, I did not kiss him. My boundaries do include no hugs unless they are side hugs. Also, no laying in the same bed together cuddling. The last two things, the hugs and laying in the same bed, I did allow him to do.) It's not even a big deal, I just have been leading him on in a way by letting him come over a lot. We have spent probably around four hours together every night (except for maybe 2) in the past two weeks since I've gotten back from break. Then, last night I started to get back to being closer with G-d, and everything has changed. I realized that this isn't right when He gave me Proverbs 4:23 to read. I shouldn't be letting this boy push my boundaries, and I should not be leading him on because it will break his heart also leading to my broken heart. Strange how so much pain can come from just having a crush on someone and then calling it off. We aren't even dating and I know this is going to hurt. He has been one of my closest friends since I've started school here and if I have to tell him no, he's probably going to be really sad. And since he is sad, I will be super sad because I hate telling people bad news. It affects me almost more than it affects the person because I don't handle guilt very well.
So, I have come back to the conclusion that I cannot date until junior year, maybe. Still, that depends on if G-d even ever wants me to get married. The boys that have liked me so far are getting closer and closer to the kind of guy that I envisioned for myself, but who's to say that is the type of man G-d wants for me. Or if there even is someone He has picked for me. I don't know what the future holds, all I know is that this newly strengthened resolve is giving me motivation for today and is helping me to get closer to the Creator. Actually, I even have a peace about this whole thing. For week I have been contemplating throwing some boundaries out the window, like dating before junior year. But now, I am a little more sure that I will just have to wait. I trust the L-rd wholly because only He knows what the future holds for any of us. He is my rock, and He has my heart.
That's another thing, I've been thinking about values and how important they are in relationships, especially romantic (I hate that word as much as I hate "feelings") relationships. Lately a few of my friends have had to say no to boys who have been interested in them, simply because they have different values. We are not to be "unequally yoked" with people who do not believe the same as we do. (This does not mean you cannot be friends with them, because how are they to see the Light if they are not exposed to people who have the Light? It simply means we should not date or marry them because they will have very different values and expectations of the relationship.) How can a relationship work if the foundations of the people in the relationship are completely different? For me, my faith is really important. Also, I love G-d above anyone or anything else, EVER. So, to be contemplating a relationship with someone who does not share the same passion for G-d is a very foolish decision.
Needless to say, I am now trying to figure out how to tell him, should the time come that I have to explain everything. Also, I am trying to figure out how to enforce my boundaries... L-rd willing this whole thing will just blow over and fizzle out, but I don't know how likely that is.
I will try to post again tonight after I spend some time with my Mema, mom, and extended family. My Mema is coming into town today and she is a nurse who is so excited I am going into nursing also. I so respect her and look up to her. She is a woman who has been married and divorced twice because the men did not treat her right. Now, she is independent and I aspire to be like her. She is kind, easy going and a fantastic NICU nurse. Hopefully she won't retire until she can teach me how to be a nurse too!
So, I have come back to the conclusion that I cannot date until junior year, maybe. Still, that depends on if G-d even ever wants me to get married. The boys that have liked me so far are getting closer and closer to the kind of guy that I envisioned for myself, but who's to say that is the type of man G-d wants for me. Or if there even is someone He has picked for me. I don't know what the future holds, all I know is that this newly strengthened resolve is giving me motivation for today and is helping me to get closer to the Creator. Actually, I even have a peace about this whole thing. For week I have been contemplating throwing some boundaries out the window, like dating before junior year. But now, I am a little more sure that I will just have to wait. I trust the L-rd wholly because only He knows what the future holds for any of us. He is my rock, and He has my heart.
That's another thing, I've been thinking about values and how important they are in relationships, especially romantic (I hate that word as much as I hate "feelings") relationships. Lately a few of my friends have had to say no to boys who have been interested in them, simply because they have different values. We are not to be "unequally yoked" with people who do not believe the same as we do. (This does not mean you cannot be friends with them, because how are they to see the Light if they are not exposed to people who have the Light? It simply means we should not date or marry them because they will have very different values and expectations of the relationship.) How can a relationship work if the foundations of the people in the relationship are completely different? For me, my faith is really important. Also, I love G-d above anyone or anything else, EVER. So, to be contemplating a relationship with someone who does not share the same passion for G-d is a very foolish decision.
Needless to say, I am now trying to figure out how to tell him, should the time come that I have to explain everything. Also, I am trying to figure out how to enforce my boundaries... L-rd willing this whole thing will just blow over and fizzle out, but I don't know how likely that is.
I will try to post again tonight after I spend some time with my Mema, mom, and extended family. My Mema is coming into town today and she is a nurse who is so excited I am going into nursing also. I so respect her and look up to her. She is a woman who has been married and divorced twice because the men did not treat her right. Now, she is independent and I aspire to be like her. She is kind, easy going and a fantastic NICU nurse. Hopefully she won't retire until she can teach me how to be a nurse too!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Found Another Blog
I find this blog funny and upsetting all at the same time because OB's are making comments that are not so nice. Check out My OB Said What?!? and read what some obstetricians have been saying to patients.
Now, I am so not against OB/GYN's, I think their great! Midwives and nurses and doctors should all get along and I am not hating on anyone. I just think that everyone should talk nicely to each other, regardless of what is going on. And that's all I have to say about that... (Forrest Gump reference)
Now, I am so not against OB/GYN's, I think their great! Midwives and nurses and doctors should all get along and I am not hating on anyone. I just think that everyone should talk nicely to each other, regardless of what is going on. And that's all I have to say about that... (Forrest Gump reference)
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Blog Feed
I just became a member on AtYourCervix's blog and the coolest thing happened! Now her posts appear when I open my blog homepage and I don't even have to check her blog all the time now. I had no idea that was possible but it makes Blogger a little bit more like Facebook with that convenience! So try it out, become a member of a blog, mine or anyone's, and see if you like it. I certainly like that feature and I wish I would have known about it sooner.
No Snow, Snow Day
Today campus was closed for a second snow day this year! Here's the kicker though, we barely have a centimeter of snow! I think they closed school because of the high wind, but it still seems silly to not have terrible amounts of snow but to still call it a snow day. Whatever! I love that I got my homework done in advance and didn't have to go to class. Unfortunately, it means that I have to make up my anatomy lab, but that probably won't be too bad.
Three tests next week, a paper, and a chem quiz. Plus I have an interview for a scholarship tomorrow and a chem lab quiz on Thursday, but it's really more of a test. The following week, I have one more test, and then the last stretch of school before finals! I am so ready to be done with school, I can't hardly believe I'm almost done with my first year of college. It has been crazy, but so fun and definitely worth all the stress, tears, and struggles. L-rd willing, I will still be saying college was worth it when I graduate in about 3 years.
Also, since I didn't get the RA job, I was stressing out about where to live and who I could room with. Yesterday, my friend that I used to be in a dorm suite with asked if I wanted to live with her! I'm super excited because we got along, we know how to live with each other and she is not someone who is constantly up in my business. She pushes me to do better with people, not procrastinate, and also pushes me to be more athletic (but I am finally starting to enjoy it on my own anyway). Hopefully we can find an apartment that we can afford and L-rd willing we will have a good year next year.
On a totally un-related note, I have decided to do the stair hike again this Saturday. Yes, I will think this is a bad decision again when I show up, but I really enjoy the feeling I have when I get to the top and I need to be able to climb it in under an hour. I am bound and determined to be able to climb this thing close to 30 or 45 minutes by the end of summer. That means practicing at the gym and every Saturday I possibly can.
My love life: Who are we kidding, I don't have a love life.
Daily Thanksgiving: I got a snow day! I was super productive with homework, laundry and straightening my dorm room. I now have a roommate for next year and school is almost done for the year. Also, I got into the community college so that I can take microbio over the summer and drop a 17 credit hour semester down to 13!!! Today, I have so much to be thankful for. Everyday we have so much to be thankful for, today I just have a huge list that is coming to mind.
My tip of the day for nursing school: Look at your necessary classes for your degree early on and plan which classes to take during the summer. If your school offers interim classes that give you 3 credit hours for one week of intense schooling, definitely do it! If you can take summer courses and whittle away at your heavier semesters, definitely do it! Anything to take less classes in one semester is best so that you can study more and keep your grades up without going insane. Trust me, you will go insane anyways, but it's all worth it.
Three tests next week, a paper, and a chem quiz. Plus I have an interview for a scholarship tomorrow and a chem lab quiz on Thursday, but it's really more of a test. The following week, I have one more test, and then the last stretch of school before finals! I am so ready to be done with school, I can't hardly believe I'm almost done with my first year of college. It has been crazy, but so fun and definitely worth all the stress, tears, and struggles. L-rd willing, I will still be saying college was worth it when I graduate in about 3 years.
Also, since I didn't get the RA job, I was stressing out about where to live and who I could room with. Yesterday, my friend that I used to be in a dorm suite with asked if I wanted to live with her! I'm super excited because we got along, we know how to live with each other and she is not someone who is constantly up in my business. She pushes me to do better with people, not procrastinate, and also pushes me to be more athletic (but I am finally starting to enjoy it on my own anyway). Hopefully we can find an apartment that we can afford and L-rd willing we will have a good year next year.
On a totally un-related note, I have decided to do the stair hike again this Saturday. Yes, I will think this is a bad decision again when I show up, but I really enjoy the feeling I have when I get to the top and I need to be able to climb it in under an hour. I am bound and determined to be able to climb this thing close to 30 or 45 minutes by the end of summer. That means practicing at the gym and every Saturday I possibly can.
My love life: Who are we kidding, I don't have a love life.
Daily Thanksgiving: I got a snow day! I was super productive with homework, laundry and straightening my dorm room. I now have a roommate for next year and school is almost done for the year. Also, I got into the community college so that I can take microbio over the summer and drop a 17 credit hour semester down to 13!!! Today, I have so much to be thankful for. Everyday we have so much to be thankful for, today I just have a huge list that is coming to mind.
My tip of the day for nursing school: Look at your necessary classes for your degree early on and plan which classes to take during the summer. If your school offers interim classes that give you 3 credit hours for one week of intense schooling, definitely do it! If you can take summer courses and whittle away at your heavier semesters, definitely do it! Anything to take less classes in one semester is best so that you can study more and keep your grades up without going insane. Trust me, you will go insane anyways, but it's all worth it.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Crazy Weekend
First of all, Shabbat Shalom!
I'm shaking up this arrangement from the normal way I write my posts because I have so much to say, so there is a list highlighting what I am talking about and explanations. This is so you don't have to read the whole thing, if you don't want, because I write a lot!
Daily Thanksgivings:
1) I completed the full set of stairs (a ridiculous hike)
2) met an OB/GYN who is going to let me shadow her!
3) have a job
4) made new friends and got to do some "team" bonding
5) my friends and I played hide-and-seek
6) I got to teach my friend how to drive my stick-shift
As a suddenly ambitious and newly social person, I decided to go on a hike today. Mind you, this was not a typical strolling through the woods type of hike. This was nearly a million steps, going up the side of a mountain which is about a mile up. I went in a group of about 7 (including me) and I was the last one up, but I made it! Also, it took me two hours and my friends had to wait at the top for a long time... the one person that made it up the fastest waited an hour for me. But he is a beast! Two of my girlfriends were with him and I have no clue how they managed that. But some people make it up in under 20 minutes! How on earth can anyone do that?! Anyway, I had some awesome guys that stayed behind and waited while I moved at a glacial pace. One guy is a really close friend and the other one was an acquaintance, but this whole ordeal was an excellent team bonding experience. If anyone has a chance to climb a million and three stares, do it. I'm super out of shape and almost turned around half way up the hike, but I had great friends and the good kind of peer pressure to reach the top of this ridiculous flight of stairs.
Now, on Friday, I went to a networking banquet at school for people who are pre-health (pre-med, pre-vet, pre-physical therapy, pre-dentistry, etc.). You probably know that I am a nursing student, and that wasn't technically allowed... but my friend asked me to go with her so we fudged and said I was interested in pre-physicians assistant, seeing as they don't have any category for nursing or Midwifery. Anyway, there were only 1-2 doctors out of the 18 or so guests who are professionals in one of the medical fields mentioned above. One of the doctors was an OB/GYN. She was so nice! She started as a CNA, then got her BSN (RN), then went to med school and is now a doctor. I am so beyond stoked, after talking to her, to become a midwife you have no idea. Some doctors aren't even super cool with midwifes, but she was excited I was going down that road. Even though there were 3-4 other girls talking to her with me, she kept turning the conversation back to me. Guys, she even said she would let me watch a live, vaginal birth and even a c-section!!! I'm not even in clinicals yet and she is going to let me shadow her and watch these things. I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am and how happy I am that I snuck into that banquet. G-d is totally putting people in my path and He is encouraging me in the most surprising and excellent ways.
Tomorrow, I go back to work for the first time in 2 weekends and three weeks. I am super nervous and scared, but I'm praying that it goes well. At least I don't have to wear a mask tomorrow! That's a plus.
For those of you who are in college or have gone to college, you probably know that college students act like little kids again. We (some of us, me included) play outside on almost a daily basis, play silly pool games and we do all sorts of other things that we had probably not done since the second grade. Regardless, we have a blast! Hide-and-seek was so much fun last night, then we played pickle (aka sardines) which is like the opposite of hide-and-seek. But it was a blast playing on campus! We are supposed to be adults but hat is definitely not how we act sometimes. One friend even hid so well that we were all looking for him for nearly an hour. That's crazy! Thankfully we had phones so we were texting him the whole time, but goodness!
After the crazy hike today, I also taught my friend how to drive my stick-shift car. He did so amazingly well. He didn't stall at all except for one time when he was trying to start out in 1st gear on a hill, which is really hard to do when you first start out. I am so proud of him, he did such a great job!!!
So, that was my weekend... How was yours?
I'm shaking up this arrangement from the normal way I write my posts because I have so much to say, so there is a list highlighting what I am talking about and explanations. This is so you don't have to read the whole thing, if you don't want, because I write a lot!
Daily Thanksgivings:
1) I completed the full set of stairs (a ridiculous hike)
2) met an OB/GYN who is going to let me shadow her!
3) have a job
4) made new friends and got to do some "team" bonding
5) my friends and I played hide-and-seek
6) I got to teach my friend how to drive my stick-shift
As a suddenly ambitious and newly social person, I decided to go on a hike today. Mind you, this was not a typical strolling through the woods type of hike. This was nearly a million steps, going up the side of a mountain which is about a mile up. I went in a group of about 7 (including me) and I was the last one up, but I made it! Also, it took me two hours and my friends had to wait at the top for a long time... the one person that made it up the fastest waited an hour for me. But he is a beast! Two of my girlfriends were with him and I have no clue how they managed that. But some people make it up in under 20 minutes! How on earth can anyone do that?! Anyway, I had some awesome guys that stayed behind and waited while I moved at a glacial pace. One guy is a really close friend and the other one was an acquaintance, but this whole ordeal was an excellent team bonding experience. If anyone has a chance to climb a million and three stares, do it. I'm super out of shape and almost turned around half way up the hike, but I had great friends and the good kind of peer pressure to reach the top of this ridiculous flight of stairs.
Now, on Friday, I went to a networking banquet at school for people who are pre-health (pre-med, pre-vet, pre-physical therapy, pre-dentistry, etc.). You probably know that I am a nursing student, and that wasn't technically allowed... but my friend asked me to go with her so we fudged and said I was interested in pre-physicians assistant, seeing as they don't have any category for nursing or Midwifery. Anyway, there were only 1-2 doctors out of the 18 or so guests who are professionals in one of the medical fields mentioned above. One of the doctors was an OB/GYN. She was so nice! She started as a CNA, then got her BSN (RN), then went to med school and is now a doctor. I am so beyond stoked, after talking to her, to become a midwife you have no idea. Some doctors aren't even super cool with midwifes, but she was excited I was going down that road. Even though there were 3-4 other girls talking to her with me, she kept turning the conversation back to me. Guys, she even said she would let me watch a live, vaginal birth and even a c-section!!! I'm not even in clinicals yet and she is going to let me shadow her and watch these things. I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am and how happy I am that I snuck into that banquet. G-d is totally putting people in my path and He is encouraging me in the most surprising and excellent ways.
Tomorrow, I go back to work for the first time in 2 weekends and three weeks. I am super nervous and scared, but I'm praying that it goes well. At least I don't have to wear a mask tomorrow! That's a plus.
For those of you who are in college or have gone to college, you probably know that college students act like little kids again. We (some of us, me included) play outside on almost a daily basis, play silly pool games and we do all sorts of other things that we had probably not done since the second grade. Regardless, we have a blast! Hide-and-seek was so much fun last night, then we played pickle (aka sardines) which is like the opposite of hide-and-seek. But it was a blast playing on campus! We are supposed to be adults but hat is definitely not how we act sometimes. One friend even hid so well that we were all looking for him for nearly an hour. That's crazy! Thankfully we had phones so we were texting him the whole time, but goodness!
After the crazy hike today, I also taught my friend how to drive my stick-shift car. He did so amazingly well. He didn't stall at all except for one time when he was trying to start out in 1st gear on a hill, which is really hard to do when you first start out. I am so proud of him, he did such a great job!!!
So, that was my weekend... How was yours?
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
Yes, this is meant to be a quote from Dory in "Finding Nemo". That movie is so adorable!
Today got even better. I worked out for an hour, which was really just walking on the treadmill, but I at least made it get steeper so I am moving up! Then we spent about an hour at the pool. Oh man, that was such a good idea. This is dangerous because I love working out now. Okay, again, I love the treadmill and cardio "working-out". Maybe I will grow to love working on abs and limbs with time? First, I would have to try those and I do not see that happening for sometime, but the pool kinda supplements what I should be doing on those machines... for me it counts that way.
Now, for you ladies who do not like swim suits for whatever reason (mine is because I am on the chunky side and swim suits are not typically modest AT ALL!), consider buying some swim trunks and a rash guard or a surf shirt. You may not be near the beach, but they are just like t-shirts and you can find cute, inexpensive, modest ones with no trouble. Mine is even a loose fit, when it is dry, so it helps with my uncomfortableness with my slightly chubby shape. Guys swim trunks are also very comfortable. I find that they are more comfortable than girls ones, but you can definitely look into both. Also, wear a swim suit underneath the shirt and the trunks because 1) it is uncomfortable to walk around with nothing under your t-shirt (I'm really sorry to go there, but I think it needed to be confronted head-on), 2) the swim trunks and shirt may begin to float, in which case you will need something underneath to ensure that you truly are maintaining the maximum amount of modesty.
So check it out, I love my swim suit now and I am more comfortable than I have ever been in a swim suit. Plus, it lets me pull off a "skater/surfer" look that suits me just fine!
Today got even better. I worked out for an hour, which was really just walking on the treadmill, but I at least made it get steeper so I am moving up! Then we spent about an hour at the pool. Oh man, that was such a good idea. This is dangerous because I love working out now. Okay, again, I love the treadmill and cardio "working-out". Maybe I will grow to love working on abs and limbs with time? First, I would have to try those and I do not see that happening for sometime, but the pool kinda supplements what I should be doing on those machines... for me it counts that way.
Now, for you ladies who do not like swim suits for whatever reason (mine is because I am on the chunky side and swim suits are not typically modest AT ALL!), consider buying some swim trunks and a rash guard or a surf shirt. You may not be near the beach, but they are just like t-shirts and you can find cute, inexpensive, modest ones with no trouble. Mine is even a loose fit, when it is dry, so it helps with my uncomfortableness with my slightly chubby shape. Guys swim trunks are also very comfortable. I find that they are more comfortable than girls ones, but you can definitely look into both. Also, wear a swim suit underneath the shirt and the trunks because 1) it is uncomfortable to walk around with nothing under your t-shirt (I'm really sorry to go there, but I think it needed to be confronted head-on), 2) the swim trunks and shirt may begin to float, in which case you will need something underneath to ensure that you truly are maintaining the maximum amount of modesty.
So check it out, I love my swim suit now and I am more comfortable than I have ever been in a swim suit. Plus, it lets me pull off a "skater/surfer" look that suits me just fine!
Fantastic!
Guys, today my chem lab partner knew what Messianic meant and even supplied the word!!! You have no idea how excited that made me. Plus, she is pretty much the funniest person I've ever met and we have so much fun in lab together. Today, we made soap and detergent. That may sound boring, but it was so incredible hilarious and fun I can't contain my joy over lab, I really can't.
Then we played baseball and football outside and so all the vitamin D has me on a bit of a high.
Tonight I am going to the gym.
Tomorrow I don't have school!
So, this has pretty much been a fantastic day. I love it!
Also, this guy that I kinda sorta have a thing for is showing that he probably kinda has a thing for me too. Okay, that was really not supposed to sound dirty, so please do not take it as a dirty sentence :)
Daily Thanksgiving: Class went by quickly, I had solid quality time with so many friends lately (each one-on-one), I am making friends, lab was amazingly fun, we played outside, and no school tomorrow.
Then we played baseball and football outside and so all the vitamin D has me on a bit of a high.
Tonight I am going to the gym.
Tomorrow I don't have school!
So, this has pretty much been a fantastic day. I love it!
Also, this guy that I kinda sorta have a thing for is showing that he probably kinda has a thing for me too. Okay, that was really not supposed to sound dirty, so please do not take it as a dirty sentence :)
Daily Thanksgiving: Class went by quickly, I had solid quality time with so many friends lately (each one-on-one), I am making friends, lab was amazingly fun, we played outside, and no school tomorrow.
No More Mask!!!
Another thing I forgot to tell you guys is...
I no longer have to wear a mask because flu season is over!!!!!!!
I cannot tell you how happy I am that I will be able to breath and work and not have my face constantly breaking out because of the silly masks at work. Yes, I would rather wear the mask than to have the flu shot. But we shouldn't even be given the ultimatum of flu shot or unemployment. Honestly, this is overbearing and extremely wrong for all healthcare companies to ban together and require immunizations. The patients don't have to have it, they can spread the flu around. Plus, isn't the vaccine supposed to protect the victim... I mean person who gets the vaccine, from the flu? So if they are protected, why do they have to worry about getting the flu if the vaccine really works? Guys you need to stand with me and fight these mandatory immunizations! If more of us banded together, we could make it illegal for companies to force employees to get shots. We could be the change that is needed. We need to be the ones to change these ridiculous rules and unfair treatment.
I no longer have to wear a mask because flu season is over!!!!!!!
I cannot tell you how happy I am that I will be able to breath and work and not have my face constantly breaking out because of the silly masks at work. Yes, I would rather wear the mask than to have the flu shot. But we shouldn't even be given the ultimatum of flu shot or unemployment. Honestly, this is overbearing and extremely wrong for all healthcare companies to ban together and require immunizations. The patients don't have to have it, they can spread the flu around. Plus, isn't the vaccine supposed to protect the victim... I mean person who gets the vaccine, from the flu? So if they are protected, why do they have to worry about getting the flu if the vaccine really works? Guys you need to stand with me and fight these mandatory immunizations! If more of us banded together, we could make it illegal for companies to force employees to get shots. We could be the change that is needed. We need to be the ones to change these ridiculous rules and unfair treatment.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Uneventful Day
Truly, today was uneventful. I had a quiz in chem that I got a C on, which I am not happy about. Then, psych was funny, but it doesn't seem like it was overly difficult or stressful. Also, I worked out again today! When I "workout" I really just mean I walked on the treadmill for awhile. Today it was 30 minutes and I walked close to 45 minutes Monday. Hopefully these short periods of exercise help or do something good for me.
I have been super distracted lately and not able to keep much focus on anything. I really need to buckle down and start working harder because I already have B's in 2 of my 4 classes and that is so NOT okay. I have A's in the other two so far, but I need to work and keep them A's. These bad grades that I have been getting are so discouraging. I know that I am not working hard enough or smart enough, but once I get into a hole with bad grades, it seems impossible to get out of it to raise my grades again. Thus, starting an ugly cycle of worse and worse grades.
Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was hilarious, chem was kinda easy, I didn't fail my quiz, I hung out a lot with my friends, and I worked out! Though I had some stuff that was weighing heavy on my mind, it seems like today was a good day overall.
By the way, today, I told one of my friends that my birthday was yesterday... the story remains to be continued. We will see if he keeps his promise of not telling anyone about it.
Also, I am starting to think that this dating thing may not be such a difficult thing to do. It's just a lot of talking and hanging out, getting to know each other, right? Maybe some hugs, or kisses (but not for me in my relationships). Perhaps some crisis, meeting the parents and other life events. But for the most part, it seems like a friendship that is more exclusive and it is acceptable to be a pair of people with secrets together and a mutual understanding of what each other think and believe. There is a good chance I am getting this totally wrong, but from my observations, that is a simplistic idea of what dating is. Guys, I really need some input as to what is going on!!!
I have been super distracted lately and not able to keep much focus on anything. I really need to buckle down and start working harder because I already have B's in 2 of my 4 classes and that is so NOT okay. I have A's in the other two so far, but I need to work and keep them A's. These bad grades that I have been getting are so discouraging. I know that I am not working hard enough or smart enough, but once I get into a hole with bad grades, it seems impossible to get out of it to raise my grades again. Thus, starting an ugly cycle of worse and worse grades.
Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was hilarious, chem was kinda easy, I didn't fail my quiz, I hung out a lot with my friends, and I worked out! Though I had some stuff that was weighing heavy on my mind, it seems like today was a good day overall.
By the way, today, I told one of my friends that my birthday was yesterday... the story remains to be continued. We will see if he keeps his promise of not telling anyone about it.
Also, I am starting to think that this dating thing may not be such a difficult thing to do. It's just a lot of talking and hanging out, getting to know each other, right? Maybe some hugs, or kisses (but not for me in my relationships). Perhaps some crisis, meeting the parents and other life events. But for the most part, it seems like a friendship that is more exclusive and it is acceptable to be a pair of people with secrets together and a mutual understanding of what each other think and believe. There is a good chance I am getting this totally wrong, but from my observations, that is a simplistic idea of what dating is. Guys, I really need some input as to what is going on!!!
Update From Yesterday
So, my birthday turned out decent. Nobody knew about it, that I know of, so that was good. Also, my classes weren't terrible, they just dragged on all day. However, yesterday is a success in my book and I am very glad I didn't make a big deal about turning 19. That number bothers me, because I just got used to writing 18 on stuff... Oh well.
The crush I have is still there despite the various ways I have tried to lose these "feelings". Feelings is such a gross word. Anyway, I still have not decided what I am going to do about it and I am still waiting on the L-rd to direct my decision.
School is back in full swing even though my brain is still stuck on break, but I am getting through the week and enjoying the lack of homework I have to complete thanks to my hard effort over break!
Daily Thanksgiving from yesterday: Nobody knew about my birthday (except my family). It rained here. Saturday I may be going on a hike that I am very excited about, which is good because I usually don't get excited about hikes or physical activities at all.
More to come about today later.
How are you doing today?
The crush I have is still there despite the various ways I have tried to lose these "feelings". Feelings is such a gross word. Anyway, I still have not decided what I am going to do about it and I am still waiting on the L-rd to direct my decision.
School is back in full swing even though my brain is still stuck on break, but I am getting through the week and enjoying the lack of homework I have to complete thanks to my hard effort over break!
Daily Thanksgiving from yesterday: Nobody knew about my birthday (except my family). It rained here. Saturday I may be going on a hike that I am very excited about, which is good because I usually don't get excited about hikes or physical activities at all.
More to come about today later.
How are you doing today?
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
My Apologies
I would like to apologize for the following bad news. It seems as though this day may be a tough one to get through, so please bear with me.
1) I didn't get the RA job. This was probably a good thing because G-d would have let me have it if He needed to me to have the job. Likely, it would have been too much on my plate. However, my plans are now shot. I don't know where I'm going to live next year or what to do about paying for school. So that's stressing me out in addition to the second item on my list...
2) Now, don't tell anyone, but it is the anniversary of the evacuation of my mother's uterus. Ya, that's right, it's my birthday. I don't know if I have shared this with you, but I don't like my birthday. The day is fine, I like being born in April, but I don't like the responsibility that the day usually brings. So, I keep it a well-guarded secret. For everyone else who has a birthday today, Happy Birthday. I hope it goes well for you and that you enjoy your day.
3) ... I know there is more, but I can't remember what it is right now, so I will check in later with you guys.
1) I didn't get the RA job. This was probably a good thing because G-d would have let me have it if He needed to me to have the job. Likely, it would have been too much on my plate. However, my plans are now shot. I don't know where I'm going to live next year or what to do about paying for school. So that's stressing me out in addition to the second item on my list...
2) Now, don't tell anyone, but it is the anniversary of the evacuation of my mother's uterus. Ya, that's right, it's my birthday. I don't know if I have shared this with you, but I don't like my birthday. The day is fine, I like being born in April, but I don't like the responsibility that the day usually brings. So, I keep it a well-guarded secret. For everyone else who has a birthday today, Happy Birthday. I hope it goes well for you and that you enjoy your day.
3) ... I know there is more, but I can't remember what it is right now, so I will check in later with you guys.
Monday, April 1, 2013
April 1st = Success
Today, I was suprised that no pranks were pulled on me or my friends (that I knew of). Seeing as we are in college, there was definitely potential to have a disastrous day, but it was uneventful. Maybe that was because it was the first day back to school and everyone was tired from their spring break adventures. Anyway, it was a success because it was a good first day back and no catastrophes!
Off to the gym tonight. I gained 5 pounds from being home for 1 week, count it... 1! That's pretty sad. I didn't even eat junk food, I just ate a bunch of leftovers. Oh well, it will likely come off in a week because I can't eat much at the cafeteria except for fries and salad, so not to worry. Also, I have decided that I want to have a toned body for the summer this year. Most of my life I have been slightly overweight, enough to make me uncomfortable, but I don't want that to be the case anymore so I have to change it. If I make it to my desired fitness level, I will not wear a bikini still, because it is so not modest enough for me, so I will continue to wear my tankini... under guy swim trunks and my surf shirt. Even that barely hides me enough for comfort and the shorts go slightly past my knees and the shirt has sleeves half way down my arms. Seriously, if I could swim in sweatpants and a long-sleeve shirt, and not look super silly and if the material didn't cling to my body when I got out, I totally would!
Moving on, I have no homework. It's the craziest thing but I actually did work over spring break. Shhh, don't tell anyone. But I think I should start working ahead from now on because this is pretty nice, not having to do tons of homework for the classes the next day. Plus, now I have time for the gym.
By the way, Pinterest is dangerous for me. I go through the fitness section and I'm all pickin' out workouts thinking, "Ya, I can do this!". Then, when I have time, I don't do any of them... I wish I was better at working out, but I am working to fix this so that it is not just a wish. Folks, I don't know how to motivate myself. Looking at pictures of skinny, fit people doesn't work, it just makes me sad. Bribing myself doesn't work, I just give up and decide I didn't want the bribe. Same thing when I try to get friends to bribe me... Seeing my swimsuit doesn't motivate me because I just got a bathing suit that works for me, but when I am trying on bathing suits I just get depressed and start crying, leading me into a dark place for the next week or two. I tell ya, it seems so much sends me into a depression. I really do try to control it, and I try to take steps to manage or fix what is making me depressed, but sometimes I just can't hold it off. Does anyone have any advice? Besides sending me to a mental hospital or locking me away... Seriously though, I think, maybe, I should get checked out. Back to my motivation problem. Does anyone have advice for motivation? Any advice at all would really help, with any of my posts because I am pretty sure I come off as being a huge sack of crazy rolled into a 5'7", slightly chubby package.
Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was cancelled, I am done with most of my homework and reading for this week and April Fool's Day didn't involve pranks! This was a good day. And I get to work out, which I am excited for, making the day even better.
Off to the gym tonight. I gained 5 pounds from being home for 1 week, count it... 1! That's pretty sad. I didn't even eat junk food, I just ate a bunch of leftovers. Oh well, it will likely come off in a week because I can't eat much at the cafeteria except for fries and salad, so not to worry. Also, I have decided that I want to have a toned body for the summer this year. Most of my life I have been slightly overweight, enough to make me uncomfortable, but I don't want that to be the case anymore so I have to change it. If I make it to my desired fitness level, I will not wear a bikini still, because it is so not modest enough for me, so I will continue to wear my tankini... under guy swim trunks and my surf shirt. Even that barely hides me enough for comfort and the shorts go slightly past my knees and the shirt has sleeves half way down my arms. Seriously, if I could swim in sweatpants and a long-sleeve shirt, and not look super silly and if the material didn't cling to my body when I got out, I totally would!
Moving on, I have no homework. It's the craziest thing but I actually did work over spring break. Shhh, don't tell anyone. But I think I should start working ahead from now on because this is pretty nice, not having to do tons of homework for the classes the next day. Plus, now I have time for the gym.
By the way, Pinterest is dangerous for me. I go through the fitness section and I'm all pickin' out workouts thinking, "Ya, I can do this!". Then, when I have time, I don't do any of them... I wish I was better at working out, but I am working to fix this so that it is not just a wish. Folks, I don't know how to motivate myself. Looking at pictures of skinny, fit people doesn't work, it just makes me sad. Bribing myself doesn't work, I just give up and decide I didn't want the bribe. Same thing when I try to get friends to bribe me... Seeing my swimsuit doesn't motivate me because I just got a bathing suit that works for me, but when I am trying on bathing suits I just get depressed and start crying, leading me into a dark place for the next week or two. I tell ya, it seems so much sends me into a depression. I really do try to control it, and I try to take steps to manage or fix what is making me depressed, but sometimes I just can't hold it off. Does anyone have any advice? Besides sending me to a mental hospital or locking me away... Seriously though, I think, maybe, I should get checked out. Back to my motivation problem. Does anyone have advice for motivation? Any advice at all would really help, with any of my posts because I am pretty sure I come off as being a huge sack of crazy rolled into a 5'7", slightly chubby package.
Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was cancelled, I am done with most of my homework and reading for this week and April Fool's Day didn't involve pranks! This was a good day. And I get to work out, which I am excited for, making the day even better.
Big News!!!
Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know I made the big leap... I have a boyfriend... Oh golly, I can't do this. That was an April Fool's joke. Not very good, I know, but I had to try it.
Anyway, I got an email from one of my professors saying she would not have class today and I think she means it, but I can't help but think it could just be a prank. So, I will probably not go and see what happens. In the 5th grade, my teacher played a mean prank on our class. We had just gotten done with our standardized testing that we had to do every year, but he pretended like he had forgotten to give us a test. So we were all getting stressed out, wondering how this could have happened. Then he slapped a piece of paper onto the whiteboard with "April Fool's" written across it. We spent the rest of the day (about 3 hours) outside playing kickball with the teachers and other classes from our grade! It was so much fun, I miss kickball.
Everyone be careful today. Beware of the sugar in the salt shaker or salt in the sugar container. Watch for faucets that spray you and other shenanigans today as we make our way cautiosiously through the day of pranks.
On a completely random note (what's new?), I bought Francesca Battistelli's albums on Amazon. 1) Her music is amazing and such a blessing to me. 2) Amazon is so much cheaper to buy music through than iTunes!!! How did I never know this before? One 11 song album was $4 compared to $10 and the music downloads/imports into your iTunes account if it is on your computer. Plus, they have coupon codes and discounts available a lot of the time, you just have to search for them. I am all for saving money and this is a great way to do it when you buy music. Also, take a look at Cloverton. My favorite song of theirs is "Take Me Into the Beautiful" but I bought their albums too and they are amazing!
An update on today will likely come later today, stay tuned...
Anyway, I got an email from one of my professors saying she would not have class today and I think she means it, but I can't help but think it could just be a prank. So, I will probably not go and see what happens. In the 5th grade, my teacher played a mean prank on our class. We had just gotten done with our standardized testing that we had to do every year, but he pretended like he had forgotten to give us a test. So we were all getting stressed out, wondering how this could have happened. Then he slapped a piece of paper onto the whiteboard with "April Fool's" written across it. We spent the rest of the day (about 3 hours) outside playing kickball with the teachers and other classes from our grade! It was so much fun, I miss kickball.
Everyone be careful today. Beware of the sugar in the salt shaker or salt in the sugar container. Watch for faucets that spray you and other shenanigans today as we make our way cautiosiously through the day of pranks.
On a completely random note (what's new?), I bought Francesca Battistelli's albums on Amazon. 1) Her music is amazing and such a blessing to me. 2) Amazon is so much cheaper to buy music through than iTunes!!! How did I never know this before? One 11 song album was $4 compared to $10 and the music downloads/imports into your iTunes account if it is on your computer. Plus, they have coupon codes and discounts available a lot of the time, you just have to search for them. I am all for saving money and this is a great way to do it when you buy music. Also, take a look at Cloverton. My favorite song of theirs is "Take Me Into the Beautiful" but I bought their albums too and they are amazing!
An update on today will likely come later today, stay tuned...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)